0:00:12 > 0:00:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete,
0:00:22 > 0:00:26where tonight three more brave souls let their laptops confess
0:00:26 > 0:00:28what they've been up to online.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Yes, for the next half-hour I'll be Father Paddy and at the end of
0:00:32 > 0:00:36the show I'll decide who gets absolution and who gets my phone number.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40So, say a prayer for all on board as we welcome tonight's guests.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44First up, one of Britain's brightest comedians who once won Celebrity Mastermind.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48His specialist subject tonight is his own Internet history
0:00:48 > 0:00:51so don't be surprised if he decides to pass on a few questions later.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Please welcome the brilliant Russell Kane.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59CHEERING
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Next up, a fantastic comedian and writer whose family left Iran when
0:01:09 > 0:01:13she was just a kid to escape the political and religious intolerance.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Thank God nothing like that could ever happen here.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Please welcome the fabulous Shappi Khorsandi.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26CHEERING
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Thanks.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Good to see you. - Thank you. Hello there.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh!
0:01:34 > 0:01:39And finally, a man who's become a national treasure ever since he
0:01:39 > 0:01:41told us he can get absolutely anyone to sing.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Although I know a few boys who spent the night in Belfast Police custody
0:01:44 > 0:01:45who would beg to differ.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Please make some noise, but try to be in tune, for Mr Gareth Malone.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50CHEERING
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Hello!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Hey, how are you doing? Are you well?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I'm all right.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03That's fine. Go on.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08I love that Gareth came on and held that almost like a choir book that's
0:02:08 > 0:02:10going to be opened and we're going to have a little sing.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13We'd like to welcome you. Thanks for doing this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14And, of course, welcome to Belfast.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Thank you.- Gareth, of course, you have Irish family.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18I do, yeah.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I did a Who Do You Think You Are last year and discovered that I'm
0:02:22 > 0:02:24a little bit Irish.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27With a name like Malone it's not a massive surprise, is it, really?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29That would be a short episode of Poirot, wouldn't it?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31How much Irish are you?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Oh, at least 35%.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36And whereabouts in Ireland are the family from?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Erm, The south.- The south?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:42The other bit.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Keep it vague. Keep it vague.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Generally the green bit.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47The green bit?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- This is going to go very well. - Shall I go?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I mean, you don't need to go. I'm sure there'll be a couple of people
0:02:54 > 0:02:57in the audience who'll be happy to take you away.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You must have played here a few times, have you?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Oh, man. I mean, on this tour I've been to Northern Ireland twice already.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I've been to Cookstown and Strabane.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12And I'll be coming back to Belfast next year for a lasting gig.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Who booked this tour?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I mean... Cookstown and Strabane.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Strabane was awesome.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20The thing is, what I find is the towns that people take the mick out of most,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24they're always the ones with the most laughter to be released.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28When you're a new comic it is scary playing Northern Ireland,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31because, as an accent, it's one of my favourite accents,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35but for an English person it's hard to read what mood the speaker is in.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Because it always turns out...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"I'm absolutely filled with love and admiration at the moment."
0:03:39 > 0:03:41And you're like, "Please, don't hurt me."
0:03:41 > 0:03:43"I'm currently depressed. I'm currently happy."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45And you're never quite sure where you stand.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48But eventually you get used to it and now I love it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50The Belfast audience are always well up for it.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52OK, we'll start with you, Gareth.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- OK.- You have a very loyal following, shall we say, on Twitter?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But some quite like to overshare.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"I had a sex dream about Gareth Malone last night.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"In my dream he couldn't get it up, poor chap."
0:04:04 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Is this the point...- I'm just thinking about my mum and what
0:04:16 > 0:04:17she's going to say.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I'm glad you got to the end of that sentence quickly!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"And what she's going to say!"
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I thought Dr Freud was going to burst onto the stage then.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Yeah, that's an interesting one.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Yes.- I mean, ridiculous.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Have you seen this tweet?- Yeah, I did notice that one, yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37We also have this one.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"It was pretty emotional, not going to lie."
0:04:46 > 0:04:48At least you're not having sex in that one.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- I know.- Or failing to.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54No. I mean, it's not entirely representative.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I do have some that say, you know, I enjoyed the choir.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Now, Shappi, your tweets are a little bit more reserved.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Are they?- You sent this.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14There it is. And this is the picture.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Oh, that is great. That looks pretty good.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I tell you what, I don't know how long ago...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20That tweet is at least, I think, six weeks old.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21My car is still there.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:27When you park that beautifully, you don't move it.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30How long did it take you to get in and out of that space?
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Was that a one-shot?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Was that a reverse park? - OK, I'm going to pretend...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Handbrake turn.- ..that there were cars on either side.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40- But there weren't?- Well, I...
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Did you have somebody coming in with those... like at the airport?- No.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It was good. I was all right. I did it, it was fine.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48But now I overthink it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52And yesterday it took me half an hour to park because I got all confused.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53It was really frustrating.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57I live in a really close-knit neighbourhood and for London it's
0:05:57 > 0:06:00really friendly and the neighbours came out to watch me park.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Oh, I hate that. That's the worst. I can't bear being watched.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06At first I thought it was in a supportive way but it was, like,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09to check their cars were all right.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Now, Russell, very busy boy... - Yeah.- ..on the social media.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- Quite a lot of followers. 250,000 fans...- What?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18AUDIENCE: OOH!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23..on Facebook. 750,000 followers on Twitter.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yes, so, talking about Facebook and everything
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I was on a first-class train.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Again, not showing off, but I was.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31And this lady gets on.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I don't know if she's had a bad day or what was going on.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36But every time I got bag down or opened a noisy snack, she was like,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40"Oh, tut! Oh, tut!" Like, just getting really annoyed unnecessarily.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42So, I've just gone on my Facebook.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45It's like digital diarrhoea. You just describe every part of your life.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I've gone, "Miserable old crone opposite me with a librarian's haircut..." -
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I don't know what that meant - "..tutting every time I move."
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"What's your problem?" And then I put #biatch, or something like that.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58And then, anyway, what I didn't know was happening at the same time was
0:06:58 > 0:07:01this woman, as well as having a bad day, had vaguely sort of...
0:07:01 > 0:07:03She's like, "Who is this person opposite me? Is it...?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"I know him off... Is he a telly...? "Is he a presenter?"
0:07:06 > 0:07:07She's put, "Russell Kane"!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10And one of the first things that comes up, of course, is my Facebook page...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:18..which she has clicked and seen update three minutes ago, you know.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"Old crone with a librarian's haircut tutting."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And she's just gone in.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"I'm not an old crone, thank you very much.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"I've had a very bad day because I've been visiting a friend in London
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"who's had some terrible news. I hadn't even noticed you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"And my haircut isn't a librarian's haircut."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38So I was just thinking off the top of my head, trying to make a lie.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I was, like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe you think that's about you.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46"No, I, er..." And this woman's believed me.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48So then I quickly write another one five minutes later.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"Just spilled coffee all over myself," when I hadn't,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53just to make the story look more convincing.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Then she got off in York and I was on my way to Edinburgh.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I just sank into the seat.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I couldn't believe it was over. Then about five minutes later I looked on
0:08:03 > 0:08:06my Facebook wall again and underneath it other people on the carriage
0:08:06 > 0:08:10were like, "Can't believe you got away with that. That was a close one, mate..."
0:08:10 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Now, Shappi, you've spent quite a bit of time on this site.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23This is the Humanist Association.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You are the President of the British Humanist Association.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- I am, yes.- And what do humanists believe?
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Well, humanists don't believe in a higher power.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Because I'm an atheist, when you haven't been raised with religion,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40you're a bit like, "Sorry, everyone."
0:08:40 > 0:08:44You're sort of like left out of a lot of moral discussion and
0:08:44 > 0:08:45philosophical discussion.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49So, it was kind of good to meet other atheists.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53And humanists are an organisation and we campaign for the voice,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55the secular voice to be heard.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Wow. And are you a Catholic humanist or a Protestant humanist?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:05I'm sensing that that's the question that the audience really want to know.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Depends where in the country I am.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11There you go.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I went to register my daughter's birth.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19The form you get with your name and address, the father's name was blank,
0:09:19 > 0:09:24and the temptation to write Farage was almost overwhelming.
0:09:25 > 0:09:31And I noticed in one box in block capitals they had stamped, bam, Islam.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So I said, "This is outrageous," and the receptionist was lovely.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36She goes, "You know you can complain about this?"
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I was like, "Oh, yes, I will. And this will not be a tweet.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"This will be an actual e-mail."
0:09:40 > 0:09:45And she sat down and patted my hand a bit and then she goes,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"I am very surprised, though,
0:09:47 > 0:09:52"because usually in that box they just write the doctor's name."
0:09:55 > 0:10:01Dr Islam was the man that brought my daughter safely into the world.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Er, so, let's have a little look at your viral videos.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Russell, this one caught your eye.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- What a party that was. - Yeah. There it is.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08First time I saw that I was actually doing something on TV and I watched
0:11:08 > 0:11:11it during some downtime. I had to have all my make-up redone.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I was in absolute pieces.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16It's just the way they start coyly and they keep building towards
0:11:16 > 0:11:18something that looks more like a poo.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20And in the end, hot dogs!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Is this something that you would have in your own house?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Er, I don't know.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I mean, if you've got a Quattro Flush it says something about you, doesn't it?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31It says that you are laying serious cable.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32That's what it says.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36What was quite funny was that we were watching this and I could
0:11:36 > 0:11:39see a few people in the audience, and one or two were going, what is that?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41And there was one or two going...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Yeah, exactly. - "You need that, darling."
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Yes! My favourite of yours, though, was this.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Must be over there.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54It's not a very good game.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57O-o-oh!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01SHE SCREAMS
0:12:04 > 0:12:07TAKE IT OFF!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19So these are virtual reality headsets and this is a grandmother
0:12:19 > 0:12:23from Portadown who has put that on and they've basically taken her on a
0:12:23 > 0:12:25tour of Portadown.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29That's essentially what's happened there.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- On a Friday night.- In daylight. Like this.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Have you been on one of the new ones that have just come out in the last few months?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- No, are they good?- The new generation. Who's been on them?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42It's a lot more realistic than you're expecting.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- I've never done that.- A lot of people, if there's part of the game
0:12:45 > 0:12:48where you have a roller-coaster action, a lot of people get motion sickness.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You totally and utterly believe.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52It used to be quite laggy.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- It's not at all.- And it was like you had mogadon.- No, it is scary.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- The horror ones are terrifying. - Are there games?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I do some Imodium before I go on my one,
0:13:00 > 0:13:01that's how scary it is.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Just to be on the safe side.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's all right because you've got the right toilet.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07The right toilet, I know! Wow, wow, wow!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Is this something that you've tried with your own family?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14My mum's a bit of a technophobe so I've had to teach her how to use...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16She can't even master Skype.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19When Skype connects my mum's always really close to it so just an eye
0:13:19 > 0:13:22is there first. You don't look through it.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25She was looking through the camera. "Russ, are you in there?!"
0:13:25 > 0:13:29So, I don't know what would happen on that. Her brain would probably explode.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32So, what is it? You basically watch any clip on it or are there special clips?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- It's games, there's games... - Oh, it's games?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Just like a regular video game, say like, the Sigourney Weaver Alien franchise.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Normally you'd have been sitting with a little controller and it was
0:13:41 > 0:13:43still scary, but you put the mask on, you put the earphones on,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47and there's another little receiver on the monitor so that when you look
0:13:47 > 0:13:48around, if you look behind you,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51you can look over your shoulder and there will be an alien, like...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53And you're like that... It is really scary.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55What if you have a burglar?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58What if, like, a murderer comes into your house?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59You just wake up and all your stuff's gone.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03"That was a really good session! Where's my stuff? Where's my stuff?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:06And you can buy gloves now and feet,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and inevitably you can guess what's come out recently.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Teenage boys need never be lonely again.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- You can now buy...- No!- Yes.- No! - Yes, you can buy accessories for
0:14:15 > 0:14:17all parts of the body.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20And that's it, liberation from adolescence for teenage boys.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- No, no, no, no, hang on, so...- Do I really need to go further?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25No, no, you do because I'm not sure how this works.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Ironically this one turns you blind and you can't use the rest of the equipment.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Wow. That exists.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37It's just a matter of... If you invent a virtual reality technology
0:14:37 > 0:14:39for men what do you think they're going to bloody do with it?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"I'm going to do some good deeds and build a village in Cambodia."
0:14:42 > 0:14:43No!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47I'm going to go at myself like a sewing machine in a power surge.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54OK, now for the questions that you've been asking your computers in
0:14:54 > 0:14:59- the privacy of your own home.- No! This is the bit I've been dreading.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Let's start with you, Russell. - Mine are quite boring.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04"Baby proofing. Pug/Chihuahua cross.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05"Is it dangerous to eat just fat?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09"Six packs. Do men look better with chest hair?"
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- These are all genuine. - "Can a fox mate with a dog?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Yeah. Well...
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've got a one-year-old so the babyproofing's pretty straightforward.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I'm just baby proofing the house, so that's fair.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I don't think there's anything embarrassing there.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I have a ten-month-old so I'm in the same boat.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Nine-year-old, same.- My daughter picked up the open bottle of bleach
0:15:27 > 0:15:29at about ten months. That was an exciting moment.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- Why was it open?- I had just left it for a second.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- They tell you off at the hospital. - He was just heading out, and said,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"I'll tell you what, can you just clean the kitchen? I'll be back in ten minutes."
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Pug/Chihuahua cross?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Yeah, because I've got Colin, I love him to pieces, and Janet,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47my other pug, I love them both.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Are there any pug owners in the audience?
0:15:50 > 0:15:51They're a bit prone to, like,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53you let them off the lead over the park and you can't tell them off or
0:15:53 > 0:15:56they have a fit. They have like a nuclear deterrent.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58They go, if you discipline me I'll stick my tongue out, do a jet of wee
0:15:58 > 0:16:01and have an epileptic fit, so just let me do what I want.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03They're impossible to train, pugs, as well.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Yeah.- You'll see people who've got impressive dog breeds,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08like normal dogs, like labradors or setters.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I never find it amazing when those dogs obey because they're born to obey.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14It's like, what can I do next? Bag of treats?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"Keep them, mate, I'm just happy to be working.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"In this environment I'm just happy to be working.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19"What's that? I've got it."
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Right? Whereas with a pug, the most you get with a pug is,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"I'll tell you what, how about as a compromise I'll shit in the porch instead?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:33So I was searching to see what crossbreeds there were that were
0:16:33 > 0:16:36still small, and the Chihuahuas are quite biddable.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It's called a chug, by the way. I now know what that's called. A chug.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41And a fox that mates with a dog.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46I don't know why. I've always had this nerdy interest and obsession
0:16:46 > 0:16:50with crossbreeds. Like, you can mate a lion with a tiger and it's called
0:16:50 > 0:16:51a liger. Have you ever seen a picture of one?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54They're bigger than a lion and a tiger. I just, I don't know why.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56So, what was the answer? Can you?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59You can't because they don't have the correct number of chromosomes
0:16:59 > 0:17:03to match up so there's no such thing as a dox.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04I was gutted.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Gareth, these are your searches.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11"Who is Nicki Minaj?"
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- What is Nicki Minaj?- Why is?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17A dirty stop-out is the answer to that.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"What's the difference between the Kardashians and the Jonas Brothers?"
0:17:20 > 0:17:22What's the difference between them? What do you mean?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Well, not in the sense... I know they're different families
0:17:25 > 0:17:28but I don't know which one is which.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31The Kardashians have massive arses, the Jonas Brothers are.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Oh, I see. Thank you for sorting that one out.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37APPLAUSE
0:17:38 > 0:17:41"Industrial lint roller with lasers."
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I've just got this sort of,
0:17:43 > 0:17:48you know when you buy a new jumper and it's just beautiful and smooth,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and then quickly it's bobbly?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I absolutely abhor bobbles.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Why haven't they got lasers in on this?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- You would laser hair? You would... - Look, I've got them on these socks.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00They're already... The socks are going to have to go.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- I noticed them, actually. - There's a bobble.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07So either I pay somebody to de-bobble all my jumpers, or I get a laser.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10That's the poshest thing I've ever heard in my life.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"Excuse me, Jeeves, would you de-bobble my jumpers, please?"
0:18:14 > 0:18:16That is the most... "Sorry, sir."
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Surely somebody must provide this service.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20No?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Am I alone here?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I don't know. How do we..?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28"When should my baby roll over?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29"When will my baby talk?"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Now, are these genuine questions, or 1950s jazz numbers?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I think that's just typical dad...
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Either my child is a genius or there's something developmentally wrong.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Because, you don't really get any signs, do you?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49They come out and they just go, "Bah!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:52And you're not like... You're looking for signs of intelligence.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Are you like, "That was a C, perfect. Now try a D?"
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yeah.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Am I alone here?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01OK, yeah. And again. Aah.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04I mean, I was, yes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08I was. And they would go, "Waah"... Ding, ding, ding.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15OK, "If he loves LA so much, why doesn't that wanker just stay over there?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:17is just one of the things the internet says about me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20But what does it say about our guests?
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Let's find out with things the internet says about you.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- Oh, no.- Here we go.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- So, Russell.- Yes.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29We've found this.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Russell Kane found his wife online.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Right. I was almost single.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I was coming out of a relationship, blah, blah, blah.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I've gone on that. It was hard enough doing tour shows that week anyway
0:19:39 > 0:19:42when you're all upset. I went on, beautiful girl in the front row of my show, yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47She was wearing - this beautiful girl, who turned out to be called Lindsey -
0:19:47 > 0:19:50what looked like a fur to me, which I'm not a massive fan of.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It was fake fur but I didn't let that stop me pretending it was real fur
0:19:53 > 0:19:56to the rest of the audience. I took it off her and asked her where's she from.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I was up North and she was like,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"I'm from Manchester," but trying to be like a posh version of Manchester.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03So I was making fun of that. I basically did a routine where I implied
0:20:03 > 0:20:08that she was so posh that when she waxed her body mink fur came off it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I was laying in various positions on stage going,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14"My minky's come clean off," like that, and just being juvenile.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Got to the end of the gig, great show, audience left.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I said to my tour manager, "There's a girl, I've really just felt
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"a connection to in the front row. I was making fun of her.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22"Just see if she's out there."
0:20:22 > 0:20:25A bit naughty, I shouldn't have said it. But she wasn't. She'd gone.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I thought, "I bet I never see that girl again."
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Cut to a week later when the dust has settled a bit more emotionally,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33and I'm on tour, and I just tweeted -
0:20:33 > 0:20:35you could probably find the tweet if you look for it...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I think we actually have it here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I didn't put the venue.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I just tweeted the word "minky".
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- Oh, that's adorable.- A week later...- What a romantic.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- A week later, I get... - LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48..I get a message from a girl saying,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"Is this about my friend, when you made fun of her on stage?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I was like, "Yeah, do you know her?" "Yes, it's this girl." Bang, bang, bang.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Follow, follow, follow. We just went and met and she was there
0:20:58 > 0:21:00and it was the first date and I was really nervous.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02My heart was beating. I knew it was something more than that.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04And she sat down and she was like, "You know what,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"I'm just going to tell you this, just cos you're staying in a hotel in Manchester,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"nothing's going to happen tonight, I'm not that type of girl.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"We can have a drink and that's all that's going to happen.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"I don't know what you normally do with your girls on tour."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I've never forgot that phrase cos when she left in a wheelchair the next morning...
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- LAUGHTER - ..it was really...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It was all that was ringing through my head.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27She did genuinely say that.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28She didn't leave in a wheelchair.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I was very respectful. Nothing like that happened on the first date.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32We had a kiss and that was it.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35So we carried on like this till the August and then I went,
0:21:35 > 0:21:36"Aw, I'm in love, I love you."
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Now we're married and we've got a daughter.- Oh, no way.- Yeah.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:43That's a true story.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45That's lovely.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47OK, Gareth. This was one of yours.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Now, come on, this can't be true.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55That's not true. That is a myth.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I can make a choir.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I could ask you all to sing.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I could improve the sound.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03You can't... If somebody really isn't a great singer,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05you can only move them on so far.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09You can't turn them into Shirley Bassey overnight.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I'm not a miracle worker, is basically what I'm saying.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16It's very hard, cos with stand-up you're silly all the time,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19but singing's serious, like, it's proper emotion.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Yeah.- And to actually stay in the moment and give out proper emotion.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Do you find that frightening?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I can do it for two seconds.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Terrifying.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I really like it and I love it when you find something that's in
0:22:30 > 0:22:33somebody and they didn't know, and you sort of release it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Well, there are lots of people who sometimes find things
0:22:35 > 0:22:37that they don't know.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Like this gentleman.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- HE PLAYS PIANO KEY - Ma.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- HE PLAYS PIANO KEY - Ma.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- HE PLAYS PIANO KEY - Ma.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- HE PLAYS PIANO KEY - Ma.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- HE PLAYS PIANO KEY - Ma.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- HE PLAYS PIANO KEY - Ma.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Brilliant.- Now, is that something that you could work with?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I mean, you could work with it,
0:23:10 > 0:23:11I don't know what results you'd achieve.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- LAUGHTER - Why he decided to put it on YouTube.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I mean, that, I think was a fundamental error, but if you are...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20To be honest with you I think he was just in his toilet at home...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER ..and he'd run out of loo roll.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26It was a, "More! More!"
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- Why did he have a keyboard in there? - If only he had a Quattro Flush to put the keyboard down.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Get rid of it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34It's when you see someone like that...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36So you're saying there's no hope?
0:23:36 > 0:23:37I think...
0:23:37 > 0:23:41He seems like someone who's not sung his entire life and then thought,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"I'll go out and I'll buy myself a keyboard," and on his own, without
0:23:44 > 0:23:48any help, is just pressing the keyboard and hoping for the best and
0:23:48 > 0:23:49- you need help.- Now, Gareth,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53there is something very worrying on the internet, which I think
0:23:53 > 0:23:54may put you out of a job.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Really?- Have a look at this.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Everybody wants to be...
0:23:57 > 0:23:58- A rock star.- To go...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- A little higher.- To harmonise.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Range. - SHE SINGS
0:24:02 > 0:24:07# I once was lost... #
0:24:07 > 0:24:11It would be, like, the best motive for throwing a party.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- Yeah, baby.- I'm doing the robot.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Singtrix is amazeballs.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Can I get some music over here?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I'm about to have a party with this bad boy.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30APPLAUSE
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Now, Gareth, this is the Singtrix.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38We have it here. This is the only one in the country.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43This is a box that plugs into your phone and basically there are 300
0:24:43 > 0:24:47different settings, and we have the microphone here.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50So, we can go from...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Let's see, we have choir.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Good.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# Oh, Danny boy. #
0:24:56 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- That was bad. - No, it was the other guys,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03you were great.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- What do you think? Have a little... - I'd love to. May I? Thank you. - Yeah, course.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14What setting would you like? This one is called I Am A Flea!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19SQUEAKING
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- That's great, I like that one. - APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:31So, this works.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I love it. Give me some more.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35So, we've got a piano.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Whoa! We've got a piano that's just arrived. LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Amazing.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Do you think with this little bit of kit you could possibly make
0:25:43 > 0:25:44a choir out of Russell, Shappi and I?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- Oh, no. - With this, definitely.- Cringe!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Yes?- I think so, yeah.- OK.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Give Gareth a round of applause. APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Cheers.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00So what we'll do, I'll take male to female.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- OK.- Shappi, you can do female to male.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- OK.- And...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- if you take Tinkerbell.- OK. - LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Yeah?- What song are we going to do?
0:26:09 > 0:26:10What have you got there?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18# At first I was afraid
0:26:18 > 0:26:22# I was petrified
0:26:22 > 0:26:28# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# But then I spent so many nights
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# Thinking how you did me wrong
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# I grew strong
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# And I learned how to get a... #
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Tinkerbell!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- # And so you're back... # - LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- # From outer space... # - CLAPPING
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# I should've changed that stupid lock
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# I should've made you leave your key
0:26:57 > 0:27:01# If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
0:27:01 > 0:27:02# Go on now, go
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# Turn out the door
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# Just turn around now
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# Cos you're not welcome any more
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Did you think I'd crumble? #
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Luke, I'm your father.
0:27:16 > 0:27:23LAUGHTER # I would lay down and die
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# Oh, no, not I
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# I will survive
0:27:27 > 0:27:31# As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# I've got all my life to live
0:27:33 > 0:27:34# I've got all my love to give
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# And I'll survive
0:27:37 > 0:27:41# I will survive
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Hey
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Hey. #
0:27:46 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Gareth Malone!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56That didn't help. That didn't help.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Let's hear it for Russell and Shappi.- Thank you.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Very nice work.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I want this.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07It didn't help.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- I still sounded awful.- I know, I still sounded terrible.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I sounded like me singing.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- Shit in, shit out. - LAUGHTER
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Slammed. Badly!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22That is also the strap line for the Quattro Flush.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Well, that is all we've got time for tonight.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30You've been great sports. Here are your devices.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Let's hear it one more time for Russell Kane,
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Shappi Khorsandi and Gareth Malone. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:36 > 0:28:39We will see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete. Goodnight.