0:00:09 > 0:00:11CHEERING
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Easy, now!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Hello, and welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete,
0:00:23 > 0:00:27where, once again, three brave guests offer up their laptops
0:00:27 > 0:00:29for an online pat-down.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31As usual, we've told them that nothing is off-limits,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34but as this is the BBC, we do have standards,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36so the only celebrity arse you'll see tonight...
0:00:36 > 0:00:38is me.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39LAUGHTER
0:00:39 > 0:00:42We've got some fantastic guests for you. Shall we bring them out?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- ALL:- Yes!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48OK. First up, a man who wowed the nation when he won
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Strictly Come Dancing. Yes, yes, a proper champion!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56So, tonight, we're going to find out if his hard drive
0:00:56 > 0:00:58is as clean as his footwork.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Or if he's forgotten to wipe his cha-cha-cha.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Please, welcome Chris Hollins!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Nice to see you.- Is that yours?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Next up, a brilliant comedian and actress
0:01:19 > 0:01:22from the Emmy award-winning Moone Boy,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26who recently returned to Ireland after ten years in London.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Though having seen the contents of her laptop,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I've a feeling she might be going back there sooner than she thinks!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Please, welcome Deirdre O'Kane!
0:01:40 > 0:01:45- You want that?- Good to see you. - How are you?- Good.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And finally, a man who is the perfect combination
0:01:50 > 0:01:53of '90s pop and cheese.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58I know what you're thinking. "Oh, shit, they've booked Peter Andre."
0:01:58 > 0:02:01But don't panic, this man makes real cheese and real music.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06All from his house, his very big house in the country.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Please, welcome Alex James!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- How are you? All right. - Thank you very much.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Thank you very much.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Thanks for these. Welcome to the show.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25So nice to be back in Belfast.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Yes?- It's been far too long. - When was the last time?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I think Blur played in a pub here, actually,
0:02:31 > 0:02:32that's how long ago it was.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Now, Chris.- Yes. - You've been here a couple of times.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I've been here, yeah, on filming Secret Britain
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and also the Strictly tour.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I can't believe he won Strictly, that is so impressive.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46There are a lot of people can't believe I won Strictly Come Dancing!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50I think it helps, like in anything else, when you have a great partner.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52And we perfected, or I perfected,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56that one where you have the beautiful dancer, that one.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You see, in Ireland, we call that forklift dancing.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yes!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02That's what we do, you know.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04There are men, old men and women up and down the country, they do this.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08And the woman's job, she's just the pallet on the front of the forklift.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Her job is just to spin like that. She just does that.- Oh!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13And the man, he just does that.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18That is it.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25So, look, who shall we start with here tonight?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Let's start with Deirdre.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- Yes!- Relief from Chris. - Women and children first, is it?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Now, you love a little bit of online shopping. Don't we all?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Oh, yeah.- Yes. A couple of items have caught my eye.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39First up was this.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46The handmade knitted mermaid tail blanket.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Talk us through what the concept with this is.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Apart from the mermaid?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Do you have a little girl?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- I don't.- Because I have two little girls
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- and I know they're both going to want one.- Yeah?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Well, we just actually happen to have a couple here.- Aw!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- So, we've got one there.- Oh, look! - Chris, if you want to try that on.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Thank you very much. Is it extra small for my legs?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15These are nicer than what I got.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I was quite disappointed with these.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Because I was expecting, whenever I said a mermaid blanket,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I kind of thought that this was going to be covered in scales
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- and be kind of Daryl Hannah. - A bikini top?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29How are you getting on with those combat boots there, Alex?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It's a sort of farmer mermaid.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Now, this is quite cosy, isn't it?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35This is kind of Saturday night in our house every week,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38legless on the sofa, watching X Factor!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I'm here all week! Wa-hey!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43So, this is one of your items.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Quite cosy. It goes very well with another one of your items
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- you've been looking at online. - Oh, God!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56This is the Winerack.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Now, talk us through this.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Well, I was on a job recently and everybody was talking about
0:05:01 > 0:05:05going to Electric Picnic and how you weren't able to smuggle alcohol
0:05:05 > 0:05:08into festivals any more. So, the chat became about this.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11This was the answer - that people were wearing these bras
0:05:11 > 0:05:14and filling them with alcohol, so that during the concert,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16you could have a little drink for yourself!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18And you could smuggle them in, obviously.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23- This is for music festivals? - Yeah.- Not the school run?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25You could adapt it to any situation, I'd say.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28This is something that you haven't bought,
0:05:28 > 0:05:29but you've been considering buying?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Well, I thought I'd just have to have a look at it,
0:05:32 > 0:05:33to see if it was a real thing.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It is such a real thing, we've actually...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39We've made one for you here.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42So, I'll just pop this on here.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So, we just pop that on here.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And have you got alcohol in there?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50There we go. Yeah. We've got one for Chris, if you want to pop that on.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Want me to get yours? - Yes, now that you're up.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Thanks. Thanks very much, Chris.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Oh, that's my one.- That's Alex.- Oh, that's Alex.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Thank you.- I'll go, don't get up!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It's fine, Deirdre, sit where you are!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Sit where you are, you're grand! - Don't mind me.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11So, how this works, we've got a little valve here,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14that you have to just open that.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16That's very, very Strictly!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:25What I love is that we actually have... We've real wine in here!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I love the way that Chris is just straight in there!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- I'm hands-on.- It's fine! - It's so comfortable.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Yeah. That's been my problem all my life
0:06:31 > 0:06:33is that women feel very comfortable with me.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36They don't view me as sexually threatening or anything like that!
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- And that's not coming across as creepy at all(!)- No, exactly.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I wish I hadn't started that!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45There's only one problem with this, Deirdre.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Because it's only really women that can benefit from this,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I've actually come up with these.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52These are the...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Now, it's only...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's only a prototype.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01But...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05There we go.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Please, God, let it be red wine that comes out there.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Oh, no!- Aw...
0:07:16 > 0:07:17But quite good for gigs.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Like, this would be quite good if you were...you know...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It's that bass player thing. I love that bass player thing that you do
0:07:26 > 0:07:28where you just... You go up like that and you just kind of...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Yeah. Takes years of practice.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33That's really just an excuse for me just to have a close-up shot
0:07:33 > 0:07:34of this!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41This is quite good. Now, Chris...
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I like the way you're just patting it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48You're thinking, "Oh, yeah!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49"If only, if only..."
0:07:52 > 0:07:56I don't know, I've had two breasts and a scrotum, I think I'm drunk.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I'm quite tipsy so far, I have to say.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Now, Chris, you have been checking out something that would go
0:08:04 > 0:08:06very well with all of this on a night out.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- It's this.- Oh, yeah!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13The silver glitterball helmet.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15When you have done Strictly...
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Yes.- And when you are in a very weak year and you manage to win it,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22anything that has "glitterball" written in it is normally sent
0:08:22 > 0:08:25to you or suggested that you should buy it,
0:08:25 > 0:08:30and I have just got a scooter to commute on and I needed a helmet
0:08:30 > 0:08:33and then suddenly, I looked at the glitterball helmet
0:08:33 > 0:08:36and I thought, "Wow, I'm going to get that."
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And then I suddenly thought, "No, traffic lights."
0:08:38 > 0:08:39We have to stop occasionally
0:08:39 > 0:08:43and you'd look a complete and utter knob.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44I can see what you mean,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46a lot of people would be looking at you, going, "Look at that helmet."
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51This is a real item.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56The location is in the UK, so we decided to...
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Oh, you haven't!- We decided that this is for you.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- LAUGHTER - Oh, my God.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Aw!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's extra, extra large.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Oh! Perfect. - Is that from winning Strictly?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Close that, yeah.- Don't want to stain my mermaid dress!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14No! LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It feels right.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Well, with that bra, I think it looks fabulous.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23So, talk to us about Strictly. I think you did very well.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I think there's two magnificent achievements.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28You won, which I think is a great achievement.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:32 > 0:09:34And you didn't shag your partner.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER I mean...
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Do you know what? And this was the most annoying thing about Strictly
0:09:41 > 0:09:44cos there's always, you know, "Oh, Strictly... Hmm...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"you know." There's always a bit of that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Not a sausage.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Not a rumour, you know.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52There was one classic moment where we'd been dancing five weeks
0:09:52 > 0:09:56and I was thinking, "There's got to be a rumour or two soon.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57"We've done a few sexy dances."
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Nothing. And then one time we were coming out of a taxi,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04it was her birthday and we'd all been invited to her birthday party
0:10:04 > 0:10:06and I thought, "Right, here we go, out the taxi,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"there'll be rumours now as we get out of here, like this."
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And they were like, "Chris! Ola, Ola! Chris!"
0:10:12 > 0:10:14All the paparazzi. And then suddenly they went "Chris, Chris!"
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"Yeah?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:21It is a weird one though cos loads of people go on that show.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25It's almost the thing that if your marriage isn't going great,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28you kind of think, "Aye-aye, bit of Strictly."
0:10:31 > 0:10:32A little catalyst. Yeah, just like...
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- Yeah.- Mmm.- OK, so, look, I'm just going to take this off because...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- Aw.- I know.- Is there a stain in there?- Should we take a last slurp
0:10:40 > 0:10:42if you're taking our wine away?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Anybody fancy these? LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Look, there's not a stain on them.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49There's not a stain on them, they're fine.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52There you go, sir. APPLAUSE
0:10:55 > 0:10:57OK. At least when he's on the radio,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59we don't have to look at that jug-eared tosser -
0:10:59 > 0:11:01is just one of the things the internet says about me.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04But what does it say about our guests?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Let's find out with Things The Internet Says About You.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Let's start with you, Alex.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Please tell me that's true.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21It was quite a long while ago. When I was writing my book,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I thought I'd work out how much money I'd spent on champ...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Well, the... Cos you get booze on your rider when you tour.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Yes.- And I just totted it all up and I was like, "Wow."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35You're saying that you were given a million pounds' worth of booze
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- on your riders?- Probably over, like, 15 years of doing gigs
0:11:38 > 0:11:41most nights, yeah. Like, you know, three bottles of champagne,
0:11:41 > 0:11:42couple of bottles of whisky -
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- you know, what we had in the dressing room.- So talk us through.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47What was on the rider when you guys were turning up?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Lots of beer, lots of wine and then we'd try...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Like, Lego was popular for a while.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55There'd be a big fight about who'd take all the Lego home
0:11:55 > 0:11:57at the end of the tour. But then we got bored of that and then...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Trying to chop it up.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Building big white lines of Lego.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Legocaine.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Legocaine!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14We always had local cheese and that was actually one of the reasons
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I got so into cheese was, like, everywhere we went
0:12:17 > 0:12:19where there was a new word for cheese,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21there was a new thing for cheese,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25so cheese was good, but it's kind of a form of torment, being asked,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- "What do you want?" every day.- Yeah.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30The only things that you really need every day
0:12:30 > 0:12:32is new socks and new pants.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- That's, like, always good to see a new pair of pants, new pair of socks.- Mmm.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- And...- I probably did a million-pound underwear bender.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And on the next tour, there'll be some of those bras
0:12:44 > 0:12:46with the red wine in them.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48OK, Chris,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50let's have a little look at what the internet had to say about you.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Oh, God!
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Well, yeah. That's on my Wikipedia site, my whatever it is.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- That's where we got it.- Do you?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I hate cats. I don't have a cat
0:13:06 > 0:13:08and I didn't realise that anyone can edit it, right?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11And I went down and I saw Chris Hollins works at the BBC
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and he went to this school and that university, whatever.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17And there down there, Personal Life, and it said, "Chris Hollins
0:13:17 > 0:13:18"has just come out of a two-year relationship,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"but he's very happy now living with his photographer boyfriend..."
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:26"..and they have a cat called Tootsie."
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- And I thought...- Here it is.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Here it is. That's...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35And I thought, "Where the hell's that come from?"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38And I know, I think I know who did it.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's a mate of mine, cos that's his sort of humour.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I've never confronted him about it,
0:13:43 > 0:13:44but I think it's one of my university mates.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49So then I took off, "With my boyfriend Carlos" and then...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52What do you mean you took off with your boyfriend Carlos?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- LAUGHTER - He put that glitterball helmet on
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- and they road off into the sunset. - I didn't take off with him,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- but I took it off. - "Come on, baby, let's go!"
0:13:59 > 0:14:01And then a week later it was like,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04"No, it's been confirmed in a recent interview with the Telegraph
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"that he is still with Carlos."
0:14:06 > 0:14:08And I was thinking, "OK, I'll leave that now
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- "cos it was just going to get bigger and bigger."- OK.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11You've all turned to the internet
0:14:11 > 0:14:14to ask the usual mundane everyday questions.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19Deirdre, let's start with what you've been asking the internet.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"How much does a hooker get paid?" LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:26"Does a chicken go off after two days?"
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"What should I wear to give birth?"
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"Hand-painted Chinese chess set."
0:14:31 > 0:14:32"How to cook sushi at home."
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Now...- Which one would you like me to talk through?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I think we should probably start with the first one.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Now, I thought your career as an actress was going very well.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Not well enough, as it turns out,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49but, yeah, I took a year out to become...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:53 > 0:14:56..to become a stay-at-home mum for a year
0:14:56 > 0:15:00and I was so demented by the end of it that I considered
0:15:00 > 0:15:02becoming a hooker just to get out in the evenings.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I remember thinking, "The hours would suit me and..."
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I put a lot of thought into it, you know.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13And how much does a hooker get paid?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I don't know, but I remember thinking
0:15:15 > 0:15:17if I made enough money for wine,
0:15:17 > 0:15:18- it'd be worth it. - LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Well, Alex, you were a rock star for ten years.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22How much does a hooker gets paid?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28OK, does a chicken go off after two days?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Look, that's every mother's frigging nightmare right there,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32chicken in the bloody fridge.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33So this is...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35No reaction!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37The dead chicken.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39This isn't just if you buy a chicken.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44- When does it leave?- I tell you what, it was amazing to me,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I couldn't believe how challenging I found that year,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48being a full-time, stay-at-home mum.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I was just astounded by how hard it was
0:15:52 > 0:15:55and I became obsessed with food and the dinners and my head...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57This is how I used to think when I was by myself,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I'd be thinking, "What will we have for the dinner,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"the bedtime snack, the breakfast, the mid-morning snack,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"the lunch, the afternoon snack, the dinner,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06"the hot chocolate, the breakfasts, the lunches, the lunchbox,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"the laundry will never be done, the dinner...
0:16:08 > 0:16:09"Jesus, we're back at the dinner again."
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Then I'd think, "There's chicken in the fridge,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"how long is that there? Two days, maybe it's three.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"Still, if in doubt, throw it out. Oh, no, I'm sure it's fine,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"sure the sell-by dates are only for insurance."
0:16:18 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:24OK, Chris, let's look at what you've been asking the internet.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Oh...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"How to start my scooter."
0:16:29 > 0:16:32"Get padlock out of scooter wheel."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34"How to charge a battery."
0:16:34 > 0:16:38"How can I man up?" LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It's a tragic tale.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43But you're a new dad, aren't you?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Yeah.- I've got a two-and-a-half-year-old boy
0:16:45 > 0:16:48and a one-year-old girl and we've moved out to the country,
0:16:48 > 0:16:53out of London, and I went with a watering can and a broom.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I had... This was my garden, this little bit here in London,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01and now suddenly we've got grass and trees and it's like, "Oh, my God,
0:17:01 > 0:17:02"what am I going to do with this?"
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And my son just knows that I'm an idiot and I'm not practical,
0:17:06 > 0:17:11so he'll come in with a broken car and go, "Daddy, Daddy,
0:17:11 > 0:17:12"where's Mummy?"
0:17:20 > 0:17:21And it's really...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25So I'm trying to man up and my father-in-law is just...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28He's an engineer, so he's horrendously practical,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30so I'm always trying to prove myself to him.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Oh, that's annoying, isn't it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And I bought a scooter, cos I'm independent,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I'm going to nip down to the station and I can...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And he came walking out
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and I thought, "No, I'm going to go before he goes,"
0:17:40 > 0:17:43and I didn't realise that I hadn't undone the padlock.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47So I travelled about two-and-a-half centimetres
0:17:47 > 0:17:49before the padlock got caught up in the spokes,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52which is bad enough when you do it on your own,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54but you do it in front of your father-in-law,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and he just looked at me and he goes, "Idiot."
0:17:57 > 0:18:00The worst bit was I had to go to work and leave it
0:18:00 > 0:18:03with my father-in-law to undo it cos I had tears running down my...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"I can't do it!"
0:18:05 > 0:18:06"Where's Mummy?"
0:18:06 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:13OK, Alex, here are your internet searches.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20"How many balloons do I need to lift a two-year-old off the ground?"
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Now, let's stop there.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26That was a few Christmases ago
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and the boys gave me all their lists of all the stuff they wanted,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31you know, like laptop, phone, you know, annoying,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33and then I asked the girls what they wanted,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- and the four-year-old said jelly... - LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- ..which was just so cute.- Aw!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42And the two-year-old just said she wanted to fly
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and... So we all got together like...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47She really, really wanted to fly.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49And I didn't know what we were going to do,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51but then I was looking on an agricultural website
0:18:51 > 0:18:54and I noticed they did massive canisters of helium
0:18:54 > 0:18:56and I thought, "Hmm,"
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and I started looking at balloon websites
0:18:59 > 0:19:04and so for Christmas, we got, like, a massive canister of helium
0:19:04 > 0:19:06and a load of balloons
0:19:06 > 0:19:08and we started blowing them up and we were trying to fly around
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- the big cow shed. - LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- And did you get her up? - No, we couldn't.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Oh.- So you couldn't actually get your two...
0:19:15 > 0:19:17But it was brilliant, it was absolutely brilliant
0:19:17 > 0:19:19just having loads of massive balloons around.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Every Christmas, they say, "Can we...? This year...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:25"Can we fly?""
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Let's have a little look at some of your other searches here.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30"What are the chords for Blur's Country House?"
0:19:30 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Now, are you not one of the four people in the world
0:19:36 > 0:19:38that probably should know this?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Well, it's, you know, we haven't played any of those songs,
0:19:41 > 0:19:46like, we sort of split up in about 2003, got back together in 2009,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48so I hadn't played any of those songs for ages
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and it was really weird how most of them just came back,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54could just do it all, but that one I couldn't get.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59And people say that bands are suffering cos of the internet,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01but it really came in handy, you know.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Leather nun. Now...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10You know how to endear yourself to an Irish audience.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16They were a great mid-'80s indie band.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Were they? - But Googling "Leather Nun"
0:20:19 > 0:20:20obviously does give you options.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- Cheesemakers.- Well, it's always good to see, you know,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30what the competition's up to, I guess, you know,
0:20:30 > 0:20:31who's winning prizes.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Really? So you're taking this seriously?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35You actually Google the opposition?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Yeah, well, just sort of cheese generally, you know?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40What kind of cheese do you make?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Do a nice blue, madam, very nice blue.- Do you?
0:20:43 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:47You know, a sort of really smelly Guernsey milk cheese
0:20:47 > 0:20:51called Goddess and then a couple of goats' milk cheeses.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52We've actually got some here.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- You never have!- Yes, we do.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Yes, we do.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Where are the bras? We need some wine.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- So, talk us through some of this. What have we got?- Well,
0:21:04 > 0:21:05do you like goat's cheese?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Not really.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08I prefer the other.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09I'm not a huge goat's cheese,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- but I love cheese. - These two are goats' milk.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13You know when goat's cheese tastes of goat?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- OK, I'm trying it.- That's why a lot of people don't like...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18You know sometimes you get that really sort of billy-goaty
0:21:18 > 0:21:21kind of tang? It should be sort of quite subtle, really, goat's cheese.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And then all orange cheeses are quite...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Are you having some, Patrick?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Try a bit of that. - That's actually very nice.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29That's all about the texture, it's kind of like salty cream.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33And then this one, the first one we ever made, was absolutely delicious.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I'm like, "Wow, this is easy!"
0:21:35 > 0:21:37This is amazing. Now, the thing I want to ask you is,
0:21:37 > 0:21:38when your first cheese is a hit,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41is it always hard when you come to that difficult second cheese?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45This one nearly drove me...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It took seven years to get the recipe for the blue cheese right.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- That is delicious.- I have to say... - Thank you very much, my darling. - ..they are absolutely delicious,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- they really are.- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Some people use cheese for all kinds of things, not just eating.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Have a look at this.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06- Wow.- This is a life-size cheese sculpture of Barack Obama.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09This was originally black and then Donald Trump won the election.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12And we also have this.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17This is Dita von Cheese.
0:22:18 > 0:22:24Made entirely from cheese by that lady, Prudence State.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28And Prudence State joins us now, live on Skype.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30APPLAUSE
0:22:33 > 0:22:36So, Prudence, when did you realise you had this talent?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I always wanted to be a food artist
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and I actually did my first sculpture when I was two years old.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So, what was that job when you were two years old?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I made a penguin out of a pear.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48So a bit different to what I do now.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51When did you start working with cheese?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53About 15 years ago.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Didn't you do something with a pizza?
0:22:56 > 0:22:57- Yeah.- I'm familiar with your work.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- What was it? - LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I've done quite a lot of celebrity faces on pizzas.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Probably done you on various things,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I would have thought, over the years.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I think what Alex is asking you, Prudence, is,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"Do you want to come for Christmas and float using some balloons?"
0:23:13 > 0:23:17As long as I can make a sculpture, then yes.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19How long did it take you to do Dita von Cheese?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Well, with working with cheese,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I don't have months like any other artist.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24You know, if you're working in stone,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27you can work on it for months and months and months.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Cheese, you've got to work pretty rapidly
0:23:28 > 0:23:30so with that, it was about three or four days
0:23:30 > 0:23:32working in a very cold environment.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Do you work with one particular type of cheese?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I'll work with any. A good cheddar's good.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38I have worked with Stilton.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42I've worked with Brie, which is a bit more technical.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Have you any idea how excited Alex James currently is?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Well, thank you very much, Prudence. I think it's time for Alex,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53for Deirdre and for Chris and myself to give this a go.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Bring on the cheese.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Come on!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58APPLAUSE
0:24:03 > 0:24:04OK, Prudence -
0:24:04 > 0:24:06we are by our cheese, we are ready to go.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Can you tell us what we're going to be making this evening?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I challenge you all to recreate my Dita von Cheese.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- DEIRDRE:- What?!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:22We're making Dita von Cheese
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- from cheese?- In two minutes.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27OK, Chris, how we feeling about this?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I was thinking of doing a sheep or a dog.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33That's a bit of a challenge, but we'll do it, we're up to it.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Deirdre?- Sure, we'll give it a lash.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Alex, you just can't wait to get stuck in here.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41You just can't wait!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Your time starts now. TIMER BUZZES
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Oh, it's a crime to muck about with this.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Look, look at those lovely calcium lactate.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Let's see...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57You're going to go like that.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58He's going for the big block.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I'm going for the slightly smaller block.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Then... OK, how are we doing, Prudence?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- There we go.- Oh, my God!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Brilliant. That's that?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17OK, one minute left, everybody. One minute left.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18That's what they're saying.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20God, they are good, these cocktail sticks.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I think at the moment Chris is making something
0:25:25 > 0:25:27very, very different to everybody else.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Here we go.- Oh, no!
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Here, like that, there she is.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Oh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Ten, nine, eight...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Where are the...? Oh, there's the sticks.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43..seven, six, five, four,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- AUDIENCE:- Three, two,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- one... - KLAXON BLARES
0:25:47 > 0:25:50APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Stop, stop, stop! Stop working now!
0:25:53 > 0:25:54OK.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Well, I think it's fair to say, Prudence,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01that we've all gone for a slightly different interpretation...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Whoa!- Wow!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08..of Dita. First up, Chris, let's have a look at your...
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Well, the inspiration was that I want a woman to be a woman,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16so I want her to have a shape.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17So...
0:26:17 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I like a flat-chested woman.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Nice legs, strong arms, but not too big,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37lovely big smile and gorgeous eyes that just stand out.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41OK, Deirdre, what have you got for us?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Not much. It's all fallen apart now.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46There's her little head. That was meant to be her arms
0:26:46 > 0:26:48and her leg was meant to stick up in the air,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- but that's fallen down.- Oh, yeah. - And there were the boobies, look.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Alex?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Mmm. - LAUGHTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- This is fabulous. - This arm was always a worry.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Although there was an obvious choice what to do with those, wasn't there?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- Got the bunny ears.- Yeah.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I think that's a very good effort, very good effort.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Just got one thing missing, Prudence.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:19A little bit of Brie.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I've gone Brie for the head, Babybels for the eyes,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24a little bit of cream cheese for the hair...
0:27:24 > 0:27:29- That's excellent.- And I've finished it off with a little Dairylea.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Would you like to comment, Prudence?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38They're very creative, all of them.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43- Yes.- I'm going to go on the one that's got the most sort of drama,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46so I'm going the one that's got the height and the biggest size breasts,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48so I think it has to be Alex.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51CHEERING
0:27:54 > 0:27:56A big thank you to Prudence! There you go!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:06OK. That is all we've got time for tonight.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Here are your devices.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Thank you so much.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- Thank you.- Give it up one more time for Alex James, Deirdre O'Kane
0:28:13 > 0:28:15and Chris Hollins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:18We'll see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete. Good night!