:00:00. > :00:19.This programme contains adult humour.
:00:20. > :00:30.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to Don't Drop The
:00:31. > :00:35.Baton. Coming to you from the Wild Cabaret and the heart of Glasgow's
:00:36. > :00:41.Merchant City. I'm Mark Nelson. I'm Susan Calman. I want Glasgow to do
:00:42. > :00:47.well because I was born here and brought up here. I still live here.
:00:48. > :00:54.Some say I love this city. Some say, you are 39, move out of your
:00:55. > :00:58.parents' house, Susan! These are the Commonwealth Games, the Friendly
:00:59. > :01:04.Games. But it is hardly going to be a level playing field. India versus
:01:05. > :01:08.the Isle of Man! India has a population of almost 1.3 billion
:01:09. > :01:09.people. The Isle of Man is literally...
:01:10. > :01:14.population of almost 1.3 billion people. The Isle Eight man! I think
:01:15. > :01:20.the biggest story so far has been the Queen's Baton Relay. It has been
:01:21. > :01:23.a huge story. Anyone who is anyone has taken part, celebrities,
:01:24. > :01:28.volunteers, members of the committee. It really means
:01:29. > :01:33.something. If you were asked to be a Baton Gera, you are someone in
:01:34. > :01:39.Scotland! It means that you really are someone important, someone that
:01:40. > :01:44.people respect in the country. -- Baton Deraa. I had a great day and
:01:45. > :01:52.Clackmannan when I carried the Baton. I forget, Mark, where did you
:01:53. > :01:58.do it? Mark? I tried to steal it! In Kilmarnock. There has been an
:01:59. > :02:02.outbreak of norovirus at the Athletes Village. Symptoms have
:02:03. > :02:06.included severe headaches, aching limbs and vomiting. Coincidentally,
:02:07. > :02:10.these are the first Commonwealth Games in history where the Athletes
:02:11. > :02:17.Village has its own bar. LAUGHTER
:02:18. > :02:25.Sorry to break it to you, that is not norovirus, that is a hangover.
:02:26. > :02:30.What is the face we are going to see at the Opening Ceremony, welcoming
:02:31. > :02:32.the world to the Games? You will have seen him before, Daft, spiky
:02:33. > :02:38.hair trying too hard to be Scottish. have seen him before, Daft, spiky
:02:39. > :02:44.Not Clyde the mascot, Rod Stewart. If there is anything that needs ?150
:02:45. > :02:52.million spent on regeneration, it is Rod Stewart. Stop Hill have joined
:02:53. > :02:56.the excitement by showcasing their legendary sense of humour. They have
:02:57. > :03:10.renamed train stations to reflect the Games. We have Cambuslang Jump.
:03:11. > :03:19.Sprintburn. And Ding Ding Wall. I have come up with some of my own.
:03:20. > :03:23.Get out of the athletes Lane. I Kilmarnock leave they wanted to
:03:24. > :03:34.block the Red Road flats. And finally, how white these signs. --
:03:35. > :04:00.these signs are. Hello? My name is Betty. I am a
:04:01. > :04:10.volunteer. Hello, Betty. Please, find a space. Not that!
:04:11. > :04:21.The Commonwealth Games are nearly upon us. And it is going to be a
:04:22. > :04:28.very rich and exciting time for everyone in Glasgow. Everyone, that
:04:29. > :04:34.is, except you. All of you! You are going to have the hardest, most
:04:35. > :04:40.intensive two weeks of your entire lives. Dealing with people who are
:04:41. > :04:51.lost, frustrated, angry and unattractive. Volunteered for pain.
:04:52. > :04:57.Oh, dear. But you will like them, behind a mask of smiles and
:04:58. > :05:07.helpfulness, won't you? ! Yes. Oh, yes, these will be the Friendly
:05:08. > :05:20.Games. Your training begins now. A big smile, get in. Do your big
:05:21. > :05:29.smile, again, smile, smile! Smile! Good you can stop smiling now. Never
:05:30. > :05:43.stop smiling! Yes, have a pleasant day. Again! Again! Hello, and
:05:44. > :05:50.welcome to Glasgow. Again! And here it is, the first round of the 100
:05:51. > :05:54.metres. And once again all of the athletes choosing to wear
:05:55. > :05:57.headphones. So much goes into the preparation of these races.
:05:58. > :06:03.Including of course what these athletes listen to. In order to get
:06:04. > :06:15.into their frame of mind for sprinting. Bonjour. Bonjour. Oui
:06:16. > :06:29.Oui. Hello? Sandra, we are going to need
:06:30. > :06:45.more beds. A lot more beds. Who do we want for the Opening
:06:46. > :06:54.Ceremony? Let's think really big, yeah? Jeff Goldblum. Six foot four
:06:55. > :06:59.and a half. Big, as in famous. He was in Jurassic Park. Something to
:07:00. > :07:04.do with the Commonwealth Games. This is the moment when we present
:07:05. > :07:10.Scotland to the rest of the world, so it has got to be our most famous
:07:11. > :07:15.sportsman. Mr Andy Murray. Do you really think we could get him? You
:07:16. > :07:20.have more chance of getting Jeff Goldblum. He hasn't been in anything
:07:21. > :07:30.decent for ages. How much does Andy want? Who is second on the list?
:07:31. > :07:37.Maybe we could get the dinosaurs and bring them back to Glasgow Green. If
:07:38. > :07:42.we can't get Andy, then Judy Murray. Are you coping? She's a beautiful
:07:43. > :07:55.woman, down to earth. What is her feet? Oh, that is more than Andy! --
:07:56. > :08:00.her price. His fee is excellent, he is free whenever you want, day and
:08:01. > :08:05.night. Where is the tennis being played again? Tennis is not in it.
:08:06. > :08:10.There is no connection between tennis, Andy and the Commonwealth
:08:11. > :08:20.Games? We can make our own connection. I like that. Own
:08:21. > :08:27.connection, Andy Murray, he's does running and tennising. And squash.
:08:28. > :08:34.We can't crowbar celebrities into sporting competition into something
:08:35. > :08:47.they have no reason to beat into. His mother has a connection. We
:08:48. > :08:57.reference her as, due to Murray. -- Judo Murray. Judo Murray.
:08:58. > :09:11.Hello. Welcome to Glasgow. If I can be of any help, please don't
:09:12. > :09:15.hesitate to ask. We are fine for now. Glaswegians really are just
:09:16. > :09:19.naturally friendly, aren't they? Yes, sir, and Madame. Thank you, and
:09:20. > :09:42.have a pleasant day. Personally, I don't think there's a
:09:43. > :09:46.better city in the world to embrace the countries of the Commonwealth
:09:47. > :09:51.than this one. We will accept anyone, no matter how weird and
:09:52. > :09:56.strange their accent is. After all, we have accepted John Barrowman as
:09:57. > :10:00.Scottish. We are going all out to impress our visitors. Apparently
:10:01. > :10:04.there is going to be pop-up restaurants. All over the city.
:10:05. > :10:09.Although in some areas of Glasgow, that is just called a food bank.
:10:10. > :10:14.And, of course, tourists will see the sights of Glasgow, like our
:10:15. > :10:20.famous monument in Royal exchange Square. A statue that has a traffic
:10:21. > :10:26.cone on its head! Why? Because it shows we like a laugh and we don't
:10:27. > :10:32.take ourselves too seriously. It is the same reason why we have a season
:10:33. > :10:37.called summer. The city is bursting at the seams with culture. You can't
:10:38. > :10:42.move for culture. You are probably sitting on culture right now. There
:10:43. > :10:48.will be a brilliant excuse for being late for work. Sorry, bass, the bus
:10:49. > :10:53.was delayed by a performance of Wagner's Ring cycle. I did not want
:10:54. > :10:58.to leave halfway through. There was a lot of controversy at the Sochi
:10:59. > :11:03.Winter Olympics over the treatment of LGBT people and we will prove
:11:04. > :11:06.that Glasgow will not judge you on your gender, race, original
:11:07. > :11:10.sexuality. For years, Scots have been celebrating every important
:11:11. > :11:15.occasion with a dans named after a man called Gordon, who is happily
:11:16. > :11:21.out to everyone. It is not all fun and games. There is a corporate side
:11:22. > :11:28.to the event. There are many sponsors you may not be aware of.
:11:29. > :11:33.One of them is Atos. And there is a certain irony in them is sponsoring
:11:34. > :11:39.the para sports. It will certainly come as a surprise to some athletes
:11:40. > :11:47.when they are on the morning of their event deemed not para enough!
:11:48. > :11:52.These have been touted as Scotland's green games, that is why
:11:53. > :11:56.one of the main sponsors is BP because nothing says green and
:11:57. > :12:00.Scottish more than an multinational oil and gas conglomerate, based in
:12:01. > :12:06.London. They should let individual sponsors event and as part of the
:12:07. > :12:09.package you get to compete in the event. Imagine the joy of seeing
:12:10. > :12:10.John from package you get to compete in the
:12:11. > :12:11.event. Imagine the joy Arbroath in the swimming,
:12:12. > :12:13.package you get to compete in the event. Imagine the joy of in the
:12:14. > :12:17.trunks since his first holiday in Magaluf. Or as part of a surprise
:12:18. > :12:22.birthday present, Christine from Nairn finding out she is running the
:12:23. > :12:28.marathon. Or Kelly from Dumfries realising her hen night will be a
:12:29. > :12:38.night to remember, as she steps into the boxing ring for the very first
:12:39. > :12:46.time! I have got one more idea for a mascot. I think it is my best. OK,
:12:47. > :12:55.let's see it. If there is one thing that says Scotland, it is this. We
:12:56. > :13:10.love it, he is... Is it a scab? Scab? It is a sausage. Tell them
:13:11. > :13:17.your name. Go on, do it. Lorne. Lorne.
:13:18. > :13:24.It is not going to work. It doesn't make sense. As long as we stick to
:13:25. > :13:30.the plan. 30 seconds, the velodrome. The number three bus, the number
:13:31. > :13:39.eight bus, then walk. Ibrox. 18, 22, to Kelvingrove, to Strathclyde
:13:40. > :13:48.country Park. You know this one. It is the shooting, it is the Bulls, it
:13:49. > :13:57.is the triathlon. 18. 15, 16, 22, 42. Remember. No telling anyone. If
:13:58. > :14:04.we are the only ones who know, we will always be there first and get
:14:05. > :14:24.the best seats. Now, eat the map so no one else can find it. Faster!
:14:25. > :14:30.attention please. Before we clean up the streets, we have been given a
:14:31. > :14:32.new directive by our bosses as part of our ongoing effort to make
:14:33. > :14:40.Glasgow more beatable for our visitors. We ask that each employee
:14:41. > :14:44.tries to help eradicate the unsightly pigeon problem. Do you
:14:45. > :14:58.want us to shoot them? Do we get a gun? Not exactly. They have sent as
:14:59. > :15:07.a demonstration model. We each have a target of ten pigeons a day. How
:15:08. > :15:15.the hell are we supposed to do that? It fastens with Velcro.
:15:16. > :15:34.Rejected Commonwealth sports number one. Here you, you wee bustard.
:15:35. > :15:46.Bob. It's took awhile to get it late, but I managed. It is not a
:15:47. > :15:55.torch, it is a bad hand, the Queen's speech is inside that. Put
:15:56. > :16:00.it out. I think may be that bit says hello. The opening ceremony is in
:16:01. > :16:03.half an hour, we need something inspirational to read out.
:16:04. > :16:16.If you are poor, but feeling healthy, you can still be
:16:17. > :16:21.Commonwealth Day. It is getting hot in here, so take of your close.
:16:22. > :16:29.There once was a man from Sri Lanka who everyone thought was a... You
:16:30. > :16:36.can barbecue it, boil it. I will strike down upon the with great
:16:37. > :16:48.vengeance and fury. You will know my name is the law, but do not think it
:16:49. > :16:58.is upon the. That is it, Bob. Those who would attempt to poison and
:16:59. > :17:07.destroy my others. Excuse me, will this bus take me to Tollcross?
:17:08. > :17:25.Tollcross? Dougie, take that for a second. There are lots of buzz as
:17:26. > :17:29.you can take to Tollcross. -- buses. Sandler, just wanting to
:17:30. > :17:35.double-check. The diving board, what side of the pool did we put that on?
:17:36. > :17:47.The deep end or the shallow end? The shallow end. We are really going to
:17:48. > :17:53.have to move it. Where is highly with the entertainment. Tell me we
:17:54. > :17:59.have got the proclaimers. We have, but since somebody spent all the
:18:00. > :18:05.money, we can only afford one. One? We would be a laughing stock. We
:18:06. > :18:13.could have two, but that means no fireworks. He could stand next to a
:18:14. > :18:18.mirror. That is now officially the worst idea this committee has ever
:18:19. > :18:24.had. There is no point putting a positive spin on this. Do we want
:18:25. > :18:30.the one who can sing or the one with the guitar? How will that work? If
:18:31. > :18:36.we get the one who plays the guitar, he could play and the crowd could
:18:37. > :18:57.sing along. Or if we get the singing one that crowd will just have to
:18:58. > :19:07.go... For 20 minutes or something. I said, get the guitar one!
:19:08. > :19:12.Police Scotland have already described the Commonwealth Games
:19:13. > :19:17.like having 15 T in the Parks all at once, although with slightly more
:19:18. > :19:22.people in tracksuit on drugs. The natural question for me and you is
:19:23. > :19:27.how are we going to get around during the games? Normal roads have
:19:28. > :19:32.been turned into designated lanes. They will be used to ferry athletes
:19:33. > :19:38.to the events. You can only use them if you are an athlete, or if you can
:19:39. > :19:44.convince someone you are an athlete. How brilliant would it be if we see
:19:45. > :19:48.people of Glasgow driving to work dressed in a leotard, swearing they
:19:49. > :19:55.are representing Team Scotland in the rhythmic gymnastics. We always
:19:56. > :20:01.have the buses. Saves on traffic, saves on pollution and people get to
:20:02. > :20:05.see more of the city. One problem, the bus drivers, not the most jovial
:20:06. > :20:13.of people anywhere in the world and Scotland is no different. You may
:20:14. > :20:17.find them pleasant if you think the Korean leader looks like a laugh.
:20:18. > :20:25.Even the athletes themselves are being encouraged to use buses. It is
:20:26. > :20:28.not a good idea. I do not want people being disappointed when Usain
:20:29. > :20:39.Bolt turns up late for the 100 metres relay because he did not have
:20:40. > :20:42.enough change. The Underground, the Clockwork Orange, it is the
:20:43. > :20:47.equivalent of the baggage belt at the airport. Have a knack for ten
:20:48. > :20:57.minutes and you will be right back round again. People may laugh at
:20:58. > :21:02.that. But in my opinion we have the best underground system in the
:21:03. > :21:08.entire world. It is a shame none of the stations are near any of the
:21:09. > :21:14.events. Some of you may have noticed the new bikes, the Weegie Wheels.
:21:15. > :21:21.So, for all these thousands of people, how many bikes will there
:21:22. > :21:32.be? 400. I am no mathematician, but that is not enough. 400 catering for
:21:33. > :21:39.a population of over 700,000. That is one bicycle per 1500 people.
:21:40. > :21:44.Unless you and your ?1499 are all part of a cycling display team,
:21:45. > :21:50.there is a good chance you will not get on any of them. I can now see
:21:51. > :21:55.why these will be the most active games, because to get to any event
:21:56. > :22:00.you will have to complete a try after one first. They have made
:22:01. > :22:05.supporting Team Scotland even more of a physical challenge and
:22:06. > :22:12.qualifying to be in Team Scotland. It will all be fine. I am presenting
:22:13. > :22:18.a worst-case scenario. The organisers have a thankless task. No
:22:19. > :22:21.matter how well everything goes, there will always be a miserable
:22:22. > :22:26.Scotsman complaining because it took them three minutes longer to get
:22:27. > :22:31.somewhere because a swimmer from the Solomon Islands stopped to ask them
:22:32. > :22:34.for directions to pole vault train station. And that miserable Scotsman
:22:35. > :22:56.is me. Another personal best. This suit has
:22:57. > :22:58.made the difference. Shaved off three minutes alone with this bad
:22:59. > :23:18.boy. Unbelievable. See you in the showers. It is a
:23:19. > :23:23.shame they have been banned. Where are we act with the opening
:23:24. > :23:30.ceremony? I tell you what would get some amazing publicity. Get the
:23:31. > :23:38.Queen to do one of her skydives off the top of the crane. We need to
:23:39. > :23:43.reflect our past. I envisage a section of important moments in
:23:44. > :23:49.Scottish history. Such as? The spider in King Robert the Bruce. The
:23:50. > :23:53.spider could be this amazing, and electronic, hundred metre wide
:23:54. > :23:59.puppet operated by local schoolchildren. Health and safety.
:24:00. > :24:10.Who would be King Robert the Bruce? Gerard Butler. Somebody Scottish.
:24:11. > :24:19.When Taggart died. The Highland clearances. Think outside the box.
:24:20. > :24:24.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles judo Mari turtles. Judo. Is there any
:24:25. > :24:30.more coffee? It is an amazing achievement, how did you feel in the
:24:31. > :24:35.last few minutes. I thought, keep going. It is tough, you are doing it
:24:36. > :24:42.for your family. Have you got words for the viewers at home. Keep
:24:43. > :24:48.believing. If I can get tickets off the official website, anyone can. I
:24:49. > :24:58.do not know why you are so upset. Calm down and listen. We need to do
:24:59. > :25:04.something and quickly. This is like 1986 never happen. We did it first.
:25:05. > :25:13.Once we unleash this PR campaign, they will be dead in the water.
:25:14. > :25:21.Edinburgh, we've got the diving, a castle and some trams. It is genius.
:25:22. > :25:29.It is like seeing the future. Flash Gordon. They can take the Clockwork
:25:30. > :25:36.Orange and shove it. Let's get these printed up, take them to Glasgow
:25:37. > :25:43.and... Hold your horses. You do not mean we actually have to go to
:25:44. > :25:53.Glasgow? Shall we just go for a little ride on a tram instead? Yes!
:25:54. > :26:10.I love a tram. Rejected Commonwealth 's board number two. Three, two,
:26:11. > :26:16.one, shirt off. Who do we want for the opening ceremony? We could get
:26:17. > :26:24.the dinosaurs and bring them back to Glasgow Green. Do we want the one
:26:25. > :26:33.who can sing or the one with the guitar? The Highland clearances. If
:26:34. > :26:39.at first you don't succeed... There has been a murder, there has been a
:26:40. > :26:48.murder. He is free whenever we want, day and night. Teenage mutant Ninja
:26:49. > :27:01.judo Mari turtles. My name is Lauren, my name is Lauren.
:27:02. > :27:08.Obviously, we do not know who is going to come out on top. We are not
:27:09. > :27:14.FIFA. But we have high hopes for Team Scotland. In a couple of weeks
:27:15. > :27:22.Hannah Miley might have a gold medal in the rowing. She is a swimmer.
:27:23. > :27:28.Rowing is not even in it. What are you looking forward to? Lawn bowls.
:27:29. > :27:34.It will be this game's version of beach volleyball. I love watching
:27:35. > :27:41.long balls, I like saying the word long balls. If you say it enough, it
:27:42. > :27:47.is sexy. What are you looking forward to? Apart from the lawn
:27:48. > :27:52.bowls, I am looking forward to finding out how friendly Glaswegians
:27:53. > :27:56.really are when the norovirus causes the athletes' village to close and
:27:57. > :28:03.we have to find a spare room for a hockey team. Glasgow 2014, sponsored
:28:04. > :28:10.by Imodium. Do you have any predictions? I am hoping someone
:28:11. > :28:15.will forget their kits and be made to raise in their pants.
:28:16. > :28:19.Controversially, the volunteers might go on strike when they realise
:28:20. > :28:26.volunteering means you do not get paid. Whatever happens, good luck to
:28:27. > :28:32.Team Scotland and everyone competing in the Commonwealth Games. And even
:28:33. > :28:36.more luck to everyone trying to get to the games. See you back here in
:28:37. > :28:47.two weeks. Good night. Good night.