0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Please welcome your host, Kevin Bridges!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Good evening, everybody. How are we doing?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44CHEERING
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Welcome along to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51In aid of Waverley Care, so give yourselves a massive
0:00:51 > 0:00:56round of applause for coming out and raising money for a good cause.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Good people. Good, good people. Give me a cheer if you're from Edinburgh.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06LOUD CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Good, I like performing in Edinburgh. It's good to come to the Fringe.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Glasgow and Edinburgh are two very different cities.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15That's easily summed up.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26And we'll leave it at that.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Give me a cheer if you're not from Edinburgh. The tourists.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33QUIETER CHEERING
0:01:33 > 0:01:34- Where are we from?- Canada!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Canada. Cool.- Australia!- Australia.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It's turned into an auction.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Any advance on Australia?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Belfast?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Canada, Australia, and then we're going to go for Belfast.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51That's a more exotic choice. Where's the Belfast man?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52MAN SHOUTS
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Are you at the top deck? I thought you were down there.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Sorry. I was in Belfast last month.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01A fantastic thing has opened up in Belfast.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04They've opened up an '80s bar...
0:02:04 > 0:02:08in Belfast. An '80s bar...
0:02:08 > 0:02:12in Belfast. Of all the major cities you don't want to go...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18..and celebrate the '80s.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Belfast is up there. There's people chucking petrol bombs at each other,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26rubbing shit on the walls.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But who cares? Karma Chameleon's on.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35BELFAST ACCENT: I'm a man without conviction.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Welcome to the tourists.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42It's good to see Canada and Australia. Welcome to Edinburgh.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I was at a music festival in Spain this year.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49There was a bit of hostility towards tourists.
0:02:49 > 0:02:55We saw a guy, he had a T-shirt on that said, "Spanish festivals for Spanish people"...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57written in English.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05I'm reading his T-shirt and thinking, "If that is the attitude, you need to cancel some of the bands."
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"You need to cancel Kings Of Leon, The Killers, Rage Against The Machine.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"Good luck with the Ketchup Song."
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Three nights in a field, just going, "I said, ah-hey, ah-hah, ah-hey..."
0:03:19 > 0:03:21"A-hemana-hemana..."
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Hello, front row. How we doing? Young guys at the front. What's your name?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27What's that?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"You're amazing"? Good...
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Are you kind of meow-meow, mephedrone, amazing?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Just happy to be on the telly. What's your name?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Craig.- Where are you from, Craig?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Edinburgh.- Should have seen that coming, to be fair.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46- Are you a student?- No.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- What do you do for a living? - I'm a boxer...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Say that again.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52A boxer's model.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You're a boxer's what?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- A boxer's model.- A boxer's model?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10That's a bit like the game Deal Or No Deal. I could have spoken to anybody.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I just took the 250 box right out of the game.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24You're a boxer's model. Does that mean you get punched in the face for a living?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Pretty much.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Boxer's model... what does that mean?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32You spar...? I don't really know boxing. I'm not a violent guy.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Enlighten me here.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Just poses. - Just pose? Oh, boxer shorts!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I thought you just stood there... "Uh! Uh!"
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You model boxer shorts. That's awesome!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Is that what you thought he meant, as well?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I'm the dickhead here. I do apologise.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59What brand of boxers do you model?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Next.- Next.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Anybody?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Couple of people. Next.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You're looking to see if you recognise the guy.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14"Yeah, I recognise him from last year's Autumn/Winter collection."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Welcome along. Is everybody in the mood for a good night of comedy?
0:05:19 > 0:05:25This is the show to catch. We've about a billion comedians on, doing about ten seconds each.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I'm your host, I'll be on in between the acts.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34The first act is from Dublin. Any Dubliners in the room?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35CHEERING
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Couple of people. People from Edinburgh, Dublin has a thing you'll love.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It has a tram that moves.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Have you seen the tram on Princes Street? It just sits there.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It does nothing.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57But there are still tourists queuing up to get on.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02"What time's departure?" "2012, pal."
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I was on the Dublin tram. It's called the Luas.
0:06:11 > 0:06:17There's a warning sign on the Dublin tram that says, "Pay the fare, or pay the price."
0:06:22 > 0:06:24It's the same thing, isn't it?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28DUBLIN ACCENT: "Did you pay the fare? We paid the price."
0:06:28 > 0:06:32"What price was the fare?" "Oh, it was a fair price."
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to kick off in style, welcoming one
0:06:39 > 0:06:43of the most consistently brilliant live comics at this festival.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Are we in the mood for a good evening of comedy? Let's make some noise.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Let's keep it going. A lot of love in the room.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Welcome to the stage the wonderful Jason Byrne!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Oh, my God, this is posh!
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Look at you all in your good clothes because the telly's here and there's lights on you.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"Better get a suit from Next!"
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Oh, my God. It's brilliant. I love Scottish people.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29And I love the fact there's not any real royalty in this town, so you
0:07:29 > 0:07:34just get people from housing estates to sit in the boxes up there. It's great.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37A couple of builders and the missus over there
0:07:37 > 0:07:41and a couple of electricians in those boxes over there.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43All right!
0:07:43 > 0:07:48How in the name of God did you get in that box over there?
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Are you working in that box?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Doing a bit of plastering?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56"Oh, better stay. There's a show on.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58"Great! I'll ring the missus."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I'm not having a poo, I'm going to get back up. Sorry.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07I love Scottish people. You're miserable. It's brilliant.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11I was in Australia before I came here. Three and a half months.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Where are the Australians down there? Well done, the Australians.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Always near the front, the Australians, in every show
0:08:18 > 0:08:22in Edinburgh, so they can get near the natural light of the stage.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "I've got to get near the light. Ah, that's nice.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27"Yeahhh."
0:08:27 > 0:08:32The Scottish and Irish, up in the dark, in the damp, in the roof.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"This is all right, I'll stay here.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"I'm not going down the front, it might make me happy."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It's just great, the misery of the Scots.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50Your hearts beats twice a year, it's brilliant! Boof!
0:08:50 > 0:08:51"What the hell was that?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"I'm blue!"
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Even your breakfast is miserable.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00There's nothing happy about breakfast.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04"What do you want for breakfast?" "Porridge!"
0:09:04 > 0:09:09"What do you want with it? Sugar?" "No! Salt! I want to die!"
0:09:09 > 0:09:15People crawling along to work with no energy whatsoever.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22"Oh, my God, somebody help us, for Christ's sake..."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"We need money into this city."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"What can we do?" "I don't know."
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"I know, do the Tattoo."
0:09:32 > 0:09:37"Trick loads of old people and bring them to this thing called the Tattoo."
0:09:37 > 0:09:41They must have rang up Michael Flatley to get the idea off him.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Just loads of people doing the same shit at the same time.
0:09:47 > 0:09:54Nothing more terrifying than those buses arriving to Edinburgh with tons of old people just being poured off.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57It's like a zombie movie as they all head up to the castle.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03"We're here to see the marching soldiers.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07"Where's the marching soldiers?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"My God, I love this city, it's amazing."
0:10:10 > 0:10:14"Can you tell me where the castle is, please?"
0:10:14 > 0:10:19"You mean that thing on the hill up there?!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Unbelievable.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I love the Tattoo because it's such a scam! Isn't it?
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Loads of army people, "Just go this way, just go this way".
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"Quick, they're watching. Change, go this way."
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"This way, quick. Back up, back up, this way, quick."
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"Bring a cannon out."
0:10:40 > 0:10:44"Lights. Fireworks!" "Wow, never seen them before."
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"Yes, I have!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51There's nothing more terrifying for old people.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55What a way to get rid of old people, to send them to the Tattoo.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57That last bit is totally terrifying.
0:10:57 > 0:11:03They're all sitting there with their blankets, all together, then the Tattoo ends.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Boof!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Ahh...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"Oh, my God." "What's wrong?"
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"Mary's dead."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"Quick, take her blanket."
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"And her biscuits."
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry for upsetting your culture.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33But I'm Irish, and that's my job.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'm Jason Byrne. Enjoy the rest of the marathon.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Jason Byrne. Yeah.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Did you enjoy that?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Next up, you'll have seen this guy on Live at the Apollo. He has his own BBC Two show starting soon.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Please show some love in the room, go nuts for Stephen K Amos.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Hello. Hello, Edinburgh. That's what I'm talking about.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17I love your city. Everybody descends on your lovely city
0:12:17 > 0:12:21this month in August and I love our American cousins, they're brilliant.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Two days ago, I'm walking down one of your hilly streets.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Two American tourists walked up to me. I knew they were American because they were wearing bin liners.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, cobbles! Cobbles are everywhere!"
0:12:40 > 0:12:43One of them stopped me and said, "Excuse me, sir.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47"That over there - is that the castle? Is that the castle?"
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I couldn't resist. I said, "No...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"..That's Gotham City."
0:12:56 > 0:13:00They were like, "Oh, my God, you know everything. Who are you?"
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I said, "I am the last King of Scotland."
0:13:11 > 0:13:16I took a couple of days off. I was touring your lovely country of Scotland.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20I went to the Highlands, a place called Aviemore. Do you know Aviemore?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22ALL: Yeah.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24The locals call it the Hollywood of the Highlands.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I can assure you, it is not.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31One light bulb does not Hollywood make.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34There's no diversity there. No richness of people,
0:13:34 > 0:13:39there are no ethnic minorities, no midgets, there are no... women.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Obviously, there are, but you can't always tell the difference.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Ooh!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Oh, shut your face!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I say what I see.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I said to the woman organising the show, "Excuse me, love.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"Are there any black people here?"
0:13:55 > 0:13:57And she went, "Och, aye!"
0:13:57 > 0:14:00"Och, aye!"
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"There's black Tony."
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I was intrigued. I had to meet black Tony.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I found him. He was Spanish.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22That's why I love you Scots. You don't mess about.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25You say it like it is.
0:14:25 > 0:14:31It reminds me of the other people who tend to say what they think, the Australians. Any Australians here?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32I love you people.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37I did a live breakfast radio interview in Adelaide in Australia.
0:14:37 > 0:14:43I have no idea what year it is in Adelaide, for the mullet is alive and well.
0:14:45 > 0:14:52This man, live breakfast radio interview, said, "So, Steve, you come to Australia a bit.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"You must get recognised a lot."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"Tell me, what about at night?"
0:15:01 > 0:15:03To my face!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I'm like, "I didn't know we were going down Racist Road.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"What the hell are you talking about?"
0:15:10 > 0:15:17I don't know about you, Scotland, but at night time, this has never, ever, ever happened to me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Bang!
0:15:21 > 0:15:22"What was that?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:26"Oh, a black person."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Good night. Thank you very much.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Stephen K Amos!
0:15:41 > 0:15:49I'm now going to introduce a man who is this year's hottest ticket at the Fringe, ever since my show sold out.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53He's brilliant. You're going to love this guy. One of my favourite comics,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56one of the most naturally funny men on the circuit.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Give it up for the wonderful John Bishop!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Hello, good evening, how are you? Good. Good. Nice to be here.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Like everybody who's come onto the stage is going to say, we love Edinburgh. And we do.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24I love it particularly at this time of year because you're a welcoming city.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Someone asked me to sum up the Edinburgh Festival the other day.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31It was a Wednesday night, I was doing a radio interview.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I said, "You know how I can sum it up?"
0:16:34 > 0:16:43"I just walked into a pub and there was a man in the corner with a top hat on, drinking a pint of Guinness,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"and no-one punched him in the head."
0:16:47 > 0:16:50What a wonderful thing.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You must be like I am.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57I come here and look at these people and think, "Where do you go for 11 months of the year?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"Where do you possibly fit in?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:06I've been coming to this city, doing the Edinburgh Festival, for six years.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10I even brought my kids. First time was five years ago.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14At that point, they would've been five, seven and nine.
0:17:14 > 0:17:22You probably remember the year, because they only came up for a week and it was sunny for five days.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27You remember that famous sunny week that you had when it was sunny every day?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30There's been a museum built to it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I brought my kids up and I thought, "This is great.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37"I'm exposing them to the benefits of the Edinburgh Festival".
0:17:37 > 0:17:44Then I realised, that's a disaster, because at that point that was their only experience of Scotland.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47That's what they thought Scotland was.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51They thought Scotland was a sunny place full of happy people and jugglers.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55That's a disaster.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00I thought, "One day they'll go on a stag do to Glasgow in February and get their head kicked in".
0:18:03 > 0:18:11But I do like it. I like the fact that you have this festival here, in the capital city of your country.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I love the sense of pride you've got in that.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18The fact that you have a cannon that you fire at one o'clock
0:18:18 > 0:18:23every day, just so the English know you've got a cannon.
0:18:25 > 0:18:31Obviously, you haven't worked out is that if we decide to invade again, we might do it at half two.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38I also love the fact that when you built a parliament building,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41you didn't do it like everyone thought you were going to do it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43You went to Ikea.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:57You got the biggest flat-pack in the world and then you built something horrible.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01But I love the fact that you built something horrible just because you
0:19:01 > 0:19:04were building next door to where the Queen lives. I love that.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09I love that indignation, so that any time the Queen comes and opens her curtains,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12she goes, "Oh, for f... sake, look at that!"
0:19:12 > 0:19:15And you're all going, "Ah!"
0:19:16 > 0:19:21I like that sense of standing up for yourself.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I'm not a big royalist. I'm not a massive fan of the Royal Family.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31I'm from Liverpool. I don't mind people living off the state but I think they take the piss.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I know that tonight is a special night for the benefit of a lot
0:19:37 > 0:19:42of people, so I've got to go because we're all only on for five minutes.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47I know. If there's any girls I've met in the past, you'll know that that's a long time.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52So I'm going to shoot off. But on behalf of everybody
0:19:52 > 0:19:55who's going to benefit out of tonight's gig, thanks for coming.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59God bless and I'll see you some time in the future. Good night. God bless.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08John Bishop!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Next up, a big man with a big heart. One of the UK's top comics.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Give it up for Justin Moorhouse!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Thank you very much. Hello!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Hello. Hello! More of you.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Hello. It's OK, I know what happens at the beginning of every show.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34I get this all the time.
0:20:34 > 0:20:40You're staring at me, working it out, going, "He's from the north of England, yes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43"Yes, he's working class".
0:20:43 > 0:20:49And girls, you're all thinking it. Looking at me and going, "He's brilliant at the sex".
0:20:49 > 0:20:54I am. It's amazing. I don't know if you've tried it with a fat lad. We're brilliant.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Girls, give us a go. If you've never been on a fat lad, give it a go.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Amazing. Best time you'll ever have.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Do you know why? When we get it, we're grateful.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07We try really hard.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Maybe at a wedding, at the end of the night, it's a teary affair.
0:21:11 > 0:21:18You're a bit upset, you're on your own, you look across the dance floor and this is your option.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Don't give it up as a bad job. You've seen us at the buffet table, we have a voracious appetite.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26You know what I'm saying. Take that analogy further.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30We'll start at either end. You know what I'm saying, girls.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Give us a go.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37Under the bedclothes with the lights off, it's like a threesome.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40But without the moral indignation.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I've lost some weight recently.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Two stone. Thanks for your support(!)
0:21:47 > 0:21:49CHEERING
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Don't applaud now, it's patronising.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55In other countries, they'd be whooping and hollering.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57In America, they'd be carrying me out shoulder high...
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Well, not carrying me, showing me the exit door.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04In this country, "I've lost two stone." "And?"
0:22:04 > 0:22:08"What did you do - go for a shit and sneeze at the same time?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"We call that a clear-out, fatty. Get on with it."
0:22:12 > 0:22:19Little things, though. The reason why I had to lose weight, this is the truth. How sad is this?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I was ironing my own shirt before a gig.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Halfway through, I thought, "Am I pressing bedding?"
0:22:24 > 0:22:28You know you're too fat when you've finished ironing your own shirt
0:22:28 > 0:22:32and you have to bring your mate in from next door to help you fold it.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39"Why have you got buttons in the middle of your duvet?" "Shut it. Carry on."
0:22:39 > 0:22:43What's that thing you check to find out how fat you are? What's it called?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Not a BMI - a mirror.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I looked in the mirror. "I'm a mess. I have to do something about it."
0:22:49 > 0:22:56I put my statistics in, it's unbelievable. It turns out I'm morbidly obese.
0:22:56 > 0:23:02Laugh your head off. My kids will be orphans because I'm greedy. Fun times. I'm morbidly obese.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06So, I tell you this, my friends. It's not about losing a couple of stone for me.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I've got a real target in life. I don't want to be morbidly obese.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I want to be... obese.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16It's only when you're this big can you get away with that as a goal in life.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21"What are your hopes and aspirations?" "To be obese!" "Go for it, fatty! Enjoy yourself."
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Thank you for listening. Enjoy the festival. I'm Justin Moorhouse. Good night.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Justin Moorhouse.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I'm going to get cracking on.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Next, a Fringe favourite. He's getting rave reviews for his show this year.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Welcome to the stage, Andrew Lawrence.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Thank you very much. What a lovely audience. Lots of couples.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I like that. I've got a girlfriend now.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04It's not been easy for me.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I don't think I'm the most attractive man in the world.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Looking at my face is like reading in a car.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12For ten minutes, it's all right, then you start to feel a little bit sick.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19I'm quite squinty-eyed. You'll notice this as my set goes on.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I've got contact lenses, and they're not very comfortable.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Contact lenses are like parents. The older they get, the more they irritate you.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Then you lose one and the one that's left behind gives you a constant headache.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I started doing comedy and thought, "I'm on to a good thing here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42"If there is one thing women find attractive in a man, it's a good sense of humour."
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Then I found out that's rubbish.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Ladies, when you say you find a good sense of humour attractive in a man,
0:24:48 > 0:24:53you mean that when you find a man attractive, you'll laugh at any old crap that comes out of his mouth.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58That's one of the lessons life has taught me.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Old cliches about communication.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05They say all good relationships are about communication and listening.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I'm rubbish at listening. My girlfriend says, "You never listen."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I say, "Yes, please, love. Milk and two sugars."
0:25:10 > 0:25:15"You're not listening." Then I say, "To be fair, petal, you do talk a lot.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19"You need someone who can filter all the things coming out
0:25:19 > 0:25:24of your mouth and extrapolate the important information they might be tested on at a later date."
0:25:24 > 0:25:27She walks off without saying anything, I wonder who's lost the
0:25:27 > 0:25:31argument, then when we don't have sex for three weeks, I realise it was me.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It's going very well.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39The problem is, when you go out with someone, after a while you
0:25:39 > 0:25:43feel the burden of development weighing heavily upon your shoulders.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46You think, "It's going well, going out with each other.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51"Why don't we change things irrevocably by moving in together, getting married and having children,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"see if we can't destroy that happiness and ruin our lives?"
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Who's got children? Give me a cheer.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58CHEERING
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Quite a lot of you. Well done, good for you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03But the problem with children, as far as I can see, is they're born,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07they scream, they learn to talk, they start asking questions.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09"What's the sky for?" "Why ask me?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13"Teachers get paid to tell you about these things." "What's the sky for?"
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"It's the roof on the world." "Why's the world need a roof?"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"To stop us all falling out." "What does gravity do?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:21"Keeps us all stuck to the ground." "Why's the world need a roof?"
0:26:21 > 0:26:26"This is a very circular conversation that could end with me putting you up for adoption."
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"Where do babies come from?"
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"Same place you came from." "Where did I come from?"
0:26:31 > 0:26:33"Your mummy's belly." "How did I get inside Mummy's belly?"
0:26:33 > 0:26:36"She ate you." "Why?"
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"Because you ask too many questions!"
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I don't think I could have children.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I can barely look after myself.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I don't eat properly, don't sleep properly.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Getting home from my gigs at one o'clock in the morning, going to bed at two o'clock in the morning.
0:26:51 > 0:26:568am every morning, the man next door wakes me up, hammering and drilling.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I put up with it for a while, then I got irritated.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03After a couple of weeks, I went round and said, "Excuse me, I'm trying to sleep."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05He said, "Well, I'm trying to hammer and drill."
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I said, "It's a residential area. You shouldn't be hammering and drilling at 8am."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12He said, "How am I supposed to fix my house up?" I said, "Don't.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15"Just accept it for the dump it is, like I've done with mine."
0:27:15 > 0:27:20"What if I want to invite friends for dinner? I don't want them to think I live in a dump."
0:27:20 > 0:27:25"If they judge you because you live in a dump, they're not your real friends, they're just scroungers
0:27:25 > 0:27:29"trying to get a free meal off a gullible chimp who's prepared to cook something for free."
0:27:29 > 0:27:32He said, "I don't care what you think. I want to live in a nice house."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I said, "That's a shallow preoccupation with material things.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40"If you surround yourself with nice things, pristine furnishing, pretend you're happy, you're not happy.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42"There's no love in your life.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46"There's a gaping vacuum in your soul that can only be filled when you renounce material obsessions.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Embrace love, humanity, God, nature
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"and stop drilling! Stop drilling!"
0:27:50 > 0:27:55He said, "If you have a problem, take it up with the council." Switched his drill back on.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Every night after that, I got home at 1am, switched on my vacuum cleaner for an hour to irritate him.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Then he bought a drum kit. Now I've got an accordion.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04It's getting out of hand, but we're having fun.
0:28:04 > 0:28:09Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a delight. Thank you very much.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Give it up for Andrew Laurence!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21CHEERING
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Next up, one of the fastest rising, most exciting female comics in the UK.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Give it up for Andi Osho!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Hello!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Let me hear you make some noise!
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Wicked. Let me just check... all the black people in the house, make some noise!
0:28:44 > 0:28:45SPARSE CHEERING
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Four of us!
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Wicked! All right. It's not a problem, it's not a problem or anything.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Because you seem nice. But sometimes as a black comic, you come out and
0:28:54 > 0:28:57see a sea of white faces staring at you, it feels like an auction.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05But there is love in the room, I can feel it.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07It's lovely being in Edinburgh.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09We've been here, what? For three and a half weeks?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11I love the flyerers, they're fantastic.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14You can see them getting properly jaded by the whole thing.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16This genuinely happened down Drummond Street.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19There's a guy, all he's saying is the name of the show,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22but I shit you not, the name of the show is Let's Have Sex.
0:29:22 > 0:29:27So he's walking up and down Drummond Street saying "Let's have sex", "Let's have sex",
0:29:27 > 0:29:29with no flyer in his hand. "Let's have sex."
0:29:31 > 0:29:35He did have a flyer. I felt bad for him, I took a flyer, I felt bad for him.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38And I can actually recommend having sex with him.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41He was amazing.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44My mum rang me up as well to make sure I was all right.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47You know when your mum doesn't really know what you do?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49She said, "How's the busking going, dear?"
0:29:49 > 0:29:51"They're gigs, Mum. They're gigs."
0:29:51 > 0:29:53It's the only thing we don't agree on, really.
0:29:53 > 0:30:00Apart from that. When I was a kid, pocket money, controversial. Give me a cheer if you got pocket money.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04The thing is, black parents never give their kids money.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06They don't understand why a child wants money.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09I asked my mum for pocket money, she said "What do you need money for?
0:30:09 > 0:30:12"Are you going to buy stocks and shares?"
0:30:12 > 0:30:15"Are you Richard Branson?"
0:30:15 > 0:30:17She couldn't understand why I wanted pocket money.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19So in the end, I negotiated with her.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22"I'll do housework in exchange for pocket money."
0:30:22 > 0:30:26And she said, "So that means you are now my employee?".
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Not what I had in mind. But I thought I was a clever kid, right?
0:30:29 > 0:30:34What I thought I'd do is break the hoover, then she won't ask me to do that stupid shit again.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37So I was properly ramming the hoover into the wall, trying to break the hoover.
0:30:37 > 0:30:42Trying to make it look like an accident and she went, "OK. Stop. Hammer time".
0:30:42 > 0:30:46No, she didn't. Why would she do that? It was early '80s.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48She said, "OK, stop. Collaborate and listen".
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Of course she didn't, that's a ridiculous idea.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55But I do have 47 more of these.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02Trappin'! She said, "OK. Stop, see how you're using that?" I was like, "Yeah?"
0:31:02 > 0:31:06She said, "OK, I'm going to use your head in the same way!"
0:31:06 > 0:31:07She didn't, she didn't...
0:31:07 > 0:31:10She did. She did.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14To be fair, me and my brothers were properly lazy kids.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16When we did do the housework we thought we were slaves.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20We were singing negro spirituals and everything.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23We were singing, "I been working, I been working.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"I been working ... pick your own cotton!" Very lazy.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31There's a lot of strong discipline as well in a Nigerian household.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35The best example I saw was very recently on a bus.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38There was a woman with her little daughter and her daughter
0:31:38 > 0:31:41was messing around and she wanted her to stop but this is what she said.
0:31:41 > 0:31:47She said to the little girl, about four or five years old, she said, "OK, do you want me to go to jail?"
0:31:48 > 0:31:50And the little girl, to her credit, she went,
0:31:50 > 0:31:52"Yes!"
0:31:52 > 0:31:57So this is what she said, she said, "OK, so when we get home, I'm going to kill you!"
0:31:59 > 0:32:01"Then you won't have to see me again!"
0:32:01 > 0:32:04All the white people on the bus looked like you lot...
0:32:04 > 0:32:07that's some funny shit, but I'm going to report it.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09All the Nigerians on the bus were going, "Very good, that
0:32:09 > 0:32:13"it, that's why this country is going down the toilet".
0:32:13 > 0:32:16I've got this uncle, a real one, not one that touches you up.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22He was trying to explain to me how he's lenient with his son.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25But this is what he said, he said, "Yes, I'm firm with the young man,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28"of course I'm firm with him, but not like Mugabe".
0:32:33 > 0:32:34That's wrong.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38That is wrong. That's like saying about your mate, "Yes, I love to go
0:32:38 > 0:32:44"swimming with my friend, of course I love to go swimming with my friend, but not like Michael Barrymore".
0:32:47 > 0:32:52You've been amazing, enjoy the rest of the show. See ya!
0:33:00 > 0:33:01Andi Osho!
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Now we've got a bit of bit of musical comedy.
0:33:07 > 0:33:13This guy's another fringe favourite, he won the 2008 comedy award, formerly known as the Perrier Award.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Everybody go nuts, you know the score.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Give it up for David O'Doherty.
0:33:27 > 0:33:32All right, people. Good evening, my name is Florence and this is my machine.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34This is a mini keyboard, by the way.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36I am not a giant.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40I'm David O'Doherty, but that won't be the title of my autobiography.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45To sell some more units I'm going to call it "Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Book of Sudoku".
0:33:47 > 0:33:55I'm from Ireland, it's pretty similar to here, I would say the main difference
0:33:55 > 0:34:02would just be on a day-to-day basis Ireland is maybe 65% more mystical, it is a very mystical place to live.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06It's like living in an Enya song.
0:34:06 > 0:34:11It's annoying sometimes how mystical day to day life is in Ireland because it's like, I definitely left
0:34:11 > 0:34:14my keys there, it's like, they turned into an eagle.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19It's the fifth time they've shape-shifted this week.
0:34:21 > 0:34:26Let's try a song. Could you guys create a slightly more mystical lighting state for this.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32World ...
0:34:32 > 0:34:36You can mess with me once, and you'd probably get away with it, mess with
0:34:36 > 0:34:41me twice and the chances are I are still probably won't remember.
0:34:41 > 0:34:46But mess with me numerous times across a concerted period in a
0:34:46 > 0:34:49similar way and think you're going to get away with it?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Well, you're wrong.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54I'm going to lampoon you,
0:34:54 > 0:34:56through a comedy song.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02I'm talking about my beefs!
0:35:02 > 0:35:072010, things I've encountered again and again. My beefs!
0:35:07 > 0:35:112010, excuse me while I unleash a "Ah!"
0:35:11 > 0:35:15People with iPhones, stop trying to show me what your iPhone can do.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18I couldn't give a shit, they've been out for years!
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Yeah!
0:35:20 > 0:35:24But when you realise the truth, there is no app for loneliness!
0:35:29 > 0:35:33I don't need an iPhone. I have an iPod already and if I'm honest there
0:35:33 > 0:35:37have been times when I've pretended my iPod is an iPhone just when I'm
0:35:37 > 0:35:42talking to someone who is incredibly boring I'm like, I am so sorry, I'm going to have to get this. Hello?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Shit, look, it's Prince. Agh!
0:35:48 > 0:35:5523-year-old men from Edinburgh, stop buying pointless accessories for your rubbish cars.
0:35:55 > 0:36:00It's not the Batmobile, it is a 2003 Citroen Saxo.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Blue lights underneath the chassis, that is practical in that it stops
0:36:03 > 0:36:05junkies shooting up in your wheel arches.
0:36:07 > 0:36:12Girls, stop telling me about your dreams. Seriously.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16Just the fateful moment when it begins, I had a dream last night...
0:36:16 > 0:36:19No! Save me from the next two minutes.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"I was on a horse, the horse was flying." I don't care.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27"It was unbelievable!" Of course it's unbelievable, it's a dream!
0:36:27 > 0:36:29What do you want, highly believable dreams?
0:36:29 > 0:36:33"I had a dream, it was like a Mike Leigh film!" Whoah!
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Celebrity news.
0:36:35 > 0:36:40Stop appearing at the end of real news, you diminish real news.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44"And the death toll from the Pakistan flood could rise as high as 40,000."
0:36:44 > 0:36:48"Christina Aguilera's cat has alopecia." No!
0:36:51 > 0:36:58DVD players and laptop computers, play all regions of DVD, if you don't, you're racist.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Come on!
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Finally, people who constantly update what it is they're doing on the internet in the form
0:37:04 > 0:37:09of status updates, from where I'm sitting it seems like there's two main schools of status update.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13The first and most common is make your life sound as awesome as possible.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17"Just had a picnic up a hill".
0:37:17 > 0:37:19"What a perfect day". No!
0:37:19 > 0:37:24I know what you're like, you're bipolar, you cry for half the morning.
0:37:24 > 0:37:31But even more pointless than that is the other one, "About to make an omelette". No!
0:37:31 > 0:37:34What? You are about to undertake the mighty omelette?
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Thank goodness you told me! This could go anyway!
0:37:37 > 0:37:42Somebody alert Cern, alert NASA, you might create a new element.
0:37:42 > 0:37:47Clear a space on the periodic table for "omlettium"!
0:37:47 > 0:37:53Sort it out, world, if you don't, you risk being part of my beefs 2010.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12David O'Doherty!
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Now I'm going to welcome a man who's on his 11th year at
0:38:19 > 0:38:22the Festival, he's won awards, played to packed out venues.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25You'll have seen him on Mock The Week, Never Mind The Buzzcocks,
0:38:25 > 0:38:28put your hands together and welcome to the stage, Mark Watson!
0:38:33 > 0:38:35That's it!
0:38:38 > 0:38:42Hi. Nice intro there but I hope your expectations
0:38:42 > 0:38:45are at a manageable level, you don't people expecting too much.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48You should always expect the worst, that's what my dad taught me.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52Expect a shit life and if you have a fairly shit life, you're reasonably satisfied.
0:38:52 > 0:38:56I remember coming home from school once and my dad said,
0:38:56 > 0:39:00"Would you rather Father Christmas didn't exist, or your mum was dead?"
0:39:01 > 0:39:05I was 10! I said, I'd rather Father Christmas didn't exist...
0:39:05 > 0:39:07"Right", he said, "Good news." There you are,
0:39:07 > 0:39:11softening the blows of life.
0:39:11 > 0:39:16There we are, nice to get your first laugh, always that sense of, will it be shit?
0:39:16 > 0:39:17I'll be fine. I reckon I'll be fine.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20You never know if people will laugh.
0:39:20 > 0:39:25Perhaps they won't understand you, I've got a peculiar accent, a bit Welsh, a bit West Country,
0:39:25 > 0:39:28both accents people find hard to understand, or even imitate.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31A friend of mine said, "I can never do a Welsh accent.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"If I do, it sounds Pakistani".
0:39:34 > 0:39:38I said, you have to try harder to master it, Ahmed.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46Thanks! I didn't expect you to laugh at that.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49You never know, I'm a pessimist.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53I tend to find most accents I'm all right with, not all, some
0:39:53 > 0:39:56are tricky, South African is a peculiar accent to understand.
0:39:56 > 0:40:01All the vowels are the same. A word like "cigarette"
0:40:01 > 0:40:03sounds like "secrets".
0:40:03 > 0:40:07Secrets! Secrets! I was in South Africa and somebody said, "Give me one of your secrets
0:40:07 > 0:40:12"Can I have one of your secrets?" Well, I once masturbated in the British Library.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16Oh, you want a fag!
0:40:16 > 0:40:18True story.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Unfortunately.
0:40:22 > 0:40:27Everything's difficult, you can't just buy butter, you've got to choose between 15 different brands.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Butter, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter,
0:40:29 > 0:40:36Butterlicious, Utterly Butterly, Butter Than The Rest, Fuck Me, This Looks Like Butter But It's Not.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38It's unbelievable! I can't believe it's not butter...
0:40:38 > 0:40:45I don't know about you, it's been on sale for nearly 20 years, I'm starting to conquer my incredulity.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48It might be time to rename it, I'm Prepared To Accept Finally
0:40:48 > 0:40:52This Is Not Butter, (Let's All Just Get On With It And Move On, Shall We)
0:40:52 > 0:40:55I realise that's a long name.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00You've been a very nice audience, which is not to be taken for granted.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02People don't always laugh that much.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05That's the curse of the comedian. The quiet audience member.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07People say, "I enjoyed it, mate.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10"I didn't laugh out loud, I never really laugh out loud."
0:41:10 > 0:41:12Which when you're up here is pretty useless.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15It's like somebody saying, "That was the best sex ever".
0:41:15 > 0:41:17"Really? You were crying for most of it".
0:41:17 > 0:41:21"Yeah, I didn't enjoy it but I admired what you were trying to do".
0:41:23 > 0:41:26You're looking at me thinking, "He's never had sex!"
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Wrong! I've got a wife! Look at that!
0:41:28 > 0:41:31A wedding ring, that doesn't prove it, people wear all kinds of things.
0:41:31 > 0:41:37You see people often with a football shirts with a Rooney on the back, often it's not.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41I've been tricked by that a few times, I can tell you.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45I've quite enjoyed this. Sorry!
0:41:45 > 0:41:49I didn't mean to say it in that tone of surprise, like every gig I've ever done has been shit until now.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52I mean, thank you! Thanks very much! Bye!
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Mark Watson!
0:42:04 > 0:42:09Now a guy I've worked with loads of times on the comedy circuit, a
0:42:09 > 0:42:13personal favourite of mine, well on the way to becoming a household name.
0:42:13 > 0:42:18Please put your hands together for the exceptional Mickey Flanigan.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29- Good evening, everybody. Hello.- Hello!
0:42:29 > 0:42:33Always nice to come to Edinburgh, a nice polite, civilised town.
0:42:33 > 0:42:39I come from London, we've lost it there really. I come from London.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42We lost the plot in London, everyone is so uncivilised.
0:42:42 > 0:42:47I get very angry with people who come on the transport system, thick
0:42:47 > 0:42:53people, slow people, old people, getting in my way when I'm busy.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56I'm a busy man, I'm a Cockney, we're always double busy.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01If you need a bit of proof, I can do the walk if you need it.
0:43:01 > 0:43:07The Cockney has a number of walks, that's your main one, casual, standard, just walking about.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12That's your standard Cockney walk there.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16Then you've your busy, double busy walking about.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Let's have a walk about! Can't hang about!
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Got to sign on, get back to work.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25I'm always double busy, so slow people irritate me.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28I was on the train the other day and got off to go through the barrier
0:43:28 > 0:43:33and this bloke just stopped in front of the barrier, starts looking for his ticket.
0:43:36 > 0:43:39Wasting valuable seconds of my life.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43Call me old-fashioned, I got my ticket out on the train, I'm like that.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46I'm anticipating the barrier,
0:43:46 > 0:43:48they've only been there about 20 years.
0:43:48 > 0:43:50Not this geezer, caught him out.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56So, I'm standing behind him.
0:43:58 > 0:44:04I'm like, "Excuse me, mate. Excuse me! Excuse me!" Nothing.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06Blanked me.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08So I stood back and weighed up my options.
0:44:08 > 0:44:11Don't drop kick him, that's going too far.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13Even for London standards.
0:44:13 > 0:44:16I looked down, he got a dog with him, in't he? Got a dog.
0:44:16 > 0:44:18A Scottie dog.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21With a green coat on.
0:44:21 > 0:44:26On the coat it said, "A hearing dog for the deaf".
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Then it made sense why he blanked me.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33Blind people have a guide dog, deaf people have a hearing dog.
0:44:33 > 0:44:37I bent down and said, "Will you get out of the fucking way?"
0:44:42 > 0:44:45Do we have young people in the audience? I love young people.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49I'm in my 40s now, I've reached the point, I don't know what you're thinking about any more.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51What is this haircut you have now?
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Down and forward.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55Down and forward. From the back.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Bring it on! There you go.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03That's the one for me, let's get out there.
0:45:03 > 0:45:07This was big in the '70s.
0:45:07 > 0:45:11Among middle-aged men who weren't prepared to accept that they were going bald.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14They would go like this,
0:45:14 > 0:45:21go out for the evening like this and you had to stand opposite them and have a sensible conversation.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26They come at you from the side nowadays, teenagers.
0:45:26 > 0:45:28They're all twisted up.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30Twisted up!
0:45:33 > 0:45:37They love chicken, teenagers. Love chicken.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41Wherever there's chicken, you'll see the hooded teenager just hanging about.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44Just hang about by the chicken. Come on!
0:45:44 > 0:45:47Let's hang about by the chicken!
0:45:48 > 0:45:50Sometimes you fancy a bit of chicken.
0:45:50 > 0:45:57But this means you have to negotiate the chicken children.
0:45:57 > 0:46:01The hooded, menacing chicken children.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03And they're coming at you from the side.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08They've got a leg they never wanted in the first place.
0:46:08 > 0:46:10They got this leg they drag along.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Coming at you.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16Coming towards you...
0:46:16 > 0:46:18Like some sort of Thriller video, innnit?
0:46:20 > 0:46:21Guarding the zinger!
0:46:24 > 0:46:26You go in for the chicken.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28"I'm going in".
0:46:28 > 0:46:32And they've got their cap on, their hood up, they're coming at you from the side, the chicken children.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38And all they keep saying is, "What's happening?"
0:46:38 > 0:46:41"What's happening?"
0:46:41 > 0:46:43They're obsessed with that.
0:46:46 > 0:46:51The reason they're so obsessed with what's happening is that they can't see where they're going.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55Come on, man!
0:46:56 > 0:46:59You've been lovely. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
0:47:08 > 0:47:09Micky Flanagan!
0:47:11 > 0:47:14Let me crack on. This guy's a veteran on the comedy circuit.
0:47:14 > 0:47:18You're going to see more of him on TV. Give it up for Simon Evans.
0:47:28 > 0:47:30Good evening. Nice to be here.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34I thought I might start this evening with a joke.
0:47:34 > 0:47:41There were three men: An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45Yes, you weren't expecting that, were you?
0:47:45 > 0:47:51That's my favourite bit of the joke. The tension which is palpable in the room when I mention the third member
0:47:51 > 0:47:56of that gathering. I will mention the gentleman who told me this joke, I didn't know him well, he had already
0:47:56 > 0:48:00uttered the immortal phrase, "Some of my best friends are black."
0:48:00 > 0:48:04Which is rarely the sign of an untroubled conscience.
0:48:04 > 0:48:08I pointed out that labradors don't count. But as it happens,
0:48:08 > 0:48:15as it happens, I think he was in the clear on this. Anyway, you judge.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17Three men, English, Welsh, Pakistani.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20These three congregate one morning innocently enough in the maternity
0:48:20 > 0:48:23ward of their local hospital to collect their newborn sons.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25The mood is one of joyous anticipation.
0:48:25 > 0:48:29From which we may reasonably deduce that they are first-time fathers.
0:48:30 > 0:48:34Little note of bitterness there for serial parents.
0:48:35 > 0:48:41However, this mood, fragile as it is, is shattered prematurely when they are informed by the doctor, or more
0:48:41 > 0:48:47likely some sort of middle management lackey who is siphoning funds away from frontline services,
0:48:47 > 0:48:49be that as it may,
0:48:49 > 0:48:54that there has been a mix-up at the hospital and he can no longer say
0:48:54 > 0:48:56with any certainty whose son is whose.
0:48:58 > 0:49:05Now, you or I might return home and inform our legal representatives and begin a costly and time-consuming
0:49:05 > 0:49:10but ultimately profitable lawsuit against this hospital for gross professional misconduct.
0:49:10 > 0:49:13At the least you would demand a DNA test in order to establish paternity.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16But this being a joke...
0:49:18 > 0:49:20The three men agree to sort it out between them.
0:49:22 > 0:49:25The Englishman goes in first, as is his right.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31According to strict alphabetical order, at least.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37The Englishman goes in first and emerges a moment later with what is
0:49:37 > 0:49:42clearly, even to the medically untrained eye, the Pakistani child.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45The Pakistani gentleman says as much and the Englishman says,
0:49:45 > 0:49:49"Sorry, but one of those two is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."
0:50:00 > 0:50:02It's the relief, isn't it?
0:50:02 > 0:50:07When you realise which of your possible prejudices is being pandered to on this occasion.
0:50:09 > 0:50:14And your secondary relief when you realise the rest of the room shares your abhorrence of the Welsh.
0:50:14 > 0:50:18But I'm allowed to tell that joke. I have some Welsh blood in me.
0:50:18 > 0:50:23Not a great deal and the transfusion unit is being sued.
0:50:23 > 0:50:30I don't care what forms I signed, I'd rather have variant CJD, but it's done now. Still walking upright.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36I haven't got long, but I want to say something about Wales this evening.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39Clever, this bit. Not Wales the country,
0:50:39 > 0:50:42but the large, blubbery mammals...
0:50:42 > 0:50:44That live in Wales.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49That is actually a statistically supported insult.
0:50:49 > 0:50:54They are the fattest in the region, but I'm afraid the UK is now the fattest country in Europe.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57This is nothing to be proud of. We used to have moral superiority
0:50:57 > 0:51:00over America on this basis and little else and we're drifting.
0:51:01 > 0:51:05But as a society, it's not wise
0:51:05 > 0:51:10that we now reward excessive levels of corpulence with subsidised transport.
0:51:10 > 0:51:17I'm not talking about a bus pass but these three-wheeled electrical obesity vehicles.
0:51:18 > 0:51:20Clearly designed for the elderly and infirm.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22Nobody would quarrel with that.
0:51:22 > 0:51:30But they've been hijacked recently, not literally, I hope - that would be a boring crime to watch unfold.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35But they've been hijacked by the overweight.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38I thought the first one was hovering, he was so vast.
0:51:40 > 0:51:45I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds if you've mastered the art of levitation".
0:51:45 > 0:51:48"You're not going to burn off many calories that way".
0:51:48 > 0:51:50Then I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57If they must have subsidised transport, I recommend spacehoppers.
0:52:00 > 0:52:07You see the sense. They're more affordable, they'll burn off calories and it would give us all a laugh.
0:52:07 > 0:52:12They could even paint their own faces on the front so they knew whose was whose
0:52:12 > 0:52:14when they come out of Greggs in the morning!
0:52:14 > 0:52:18You've been delightful. See you soon.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Simon Evans.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31There's been a lot of love in the room so far.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34You're a top crowd. I mean that, excellent crowd.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36We're going to finish up with a comedy hero of mine.
0:52:36 > 0:52:41This guy has performed all over the world, from Afghanistan to Wolverhampton.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44He's one of my favourite comics.
0:52:44 > 0:52:48Please welcome to the stage, the wonderful Tom Stade!
0:52:58 > 0:53:01- Good evening!- Hey!
0:53:01 > 0:53:05Good to be here. I'm loving this place.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09You know, shopping and finding shit.
0:53:09 > 0:53:13I was over at a little place called Primark.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16I love that store, man.
0:53:16 > 0:53:22I'm convinced nobody goes there to buy anything, but just to mess the place up.
0:53:22 > 0:53:27It's the only store I have seen where people go "These jeans are shit", and then just chuck them.
0:53:34 > 0:53:36Of course they're shit, they're £3.
0:53:40 > 0:53:45Just cos stuff is cheap, doesn't mean you guys have to chuck it around.
0:53:45 > 0:53:50That's why Argos keeps all their stuff in the freaking back.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53They don't trust you.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56They're like, "Don't show it to them, you saw what they done to Primark".
0:53:59 > 0:54:01I love Argos, man.
0:54:01 > 0:54:08I remember the first time I walked in Argos, they made me feel like I was a spy.
0:54:08 > 0:54:12I walked up to the teller and handed her a piece of paper.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Then she looked at me and went, "OK".
0:54:18 > 0:54:20"Go to checkpoint B".
0:54:24 > 0:54:26I went to checkpoint B.
0:54:26 > 0:54:29They didn't even know who I was, man.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31"You don't know me?
0:54:31 > 0:54:34"I'm 376".
0:54:37 > 0:54:40Love that store. Catalogue shopping.
0:54:40 > 0:54:44That's where you do catalogue shopping. At the store.
0:54:47 > 0:54:52Normally, you get the catalogue and bring it home and order it, but you guys go down to the store and do it.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58I love that catalogue.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01You women, you're good with the catalogue.
0:55:01 > 0:55:04Women are awesome with catalogues, man.
0:55:04 > 0:55:08My woman can flip through the catalogue like nobody.
0:55:08 > 0:55:16Women don't even need to look at the index to know what page the stuff they want is on.
0:55:16 > 0:55:21My woman walked into Argos and flicked through that catalogue like she was a Jedi knight.
0:55:23 > 0:55:25She went, "That's what I want".
0:55:27 > 0:55:29I'm like, "Wow, how did you do that?"
0:55:29 > 0:55:32She said, "I'll show you something else.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34"That's what you want".
0:55:36 > 0:55:38I'm like, "I don't even know what I want".
0:55:38 > 0:55:45Then I went, "Holy shit, that is what I want. A trampoline".
0:55:50 > 0:55:58And you can't just buy no trampoline, you got to get all your trampoline trimmings.
0:55:58 > 0:56:00Got to get that safety cage.
0:56:00 > 0:56:04In case you're a loser and you don't know how to bounce up and down.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09One of these sideways bouncers.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14Turns out I'm a sideways bouncer.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17I smashed my head against the safety bar.
0:56:20 > 0:56:25"Thank God that safety bar was there to stop me from landing on that soft grass".
0:56:31 > 0:56:34Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:56:44 > 0:56:45Tom Stade, everybody.
0:56:45 > 0:56:47That's the end of the evening.
0:56:47 > 0:56:50Give yourselves a round of applause.
0:56:50 > 0:56:54And for all the comedians you've seen this evening.
0:56:54 > 0:56:56God bless, good night. See you again some time.
0:56:56 > 0:56:59Cheers!