0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:22 > 0:00:25It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest live.
0:00:25 > 0:00:30Please welcome your host - Shappi Khorsandi!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- Hello.- AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Wow, what a beautiful room. Are you all good?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm doing a show here and it's strange I'm doing a show where
0:00:43 > 0:00:46some people come with certain expectations of me.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50A bloke came to my show. The entire time he sat there like this.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54And at the end he came up to me and he went,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57"I thought you were Shilpa Shetty."
0:00:59 > 0:01:01"I paid for Shilpa Shetty."
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I get that and Maureen Lipman.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09It's been a strange year for me, because I've been mostly getting a divorce, so I've been...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I know, it's very time-consuming.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14When you get divorced, the worst thing is, you don't know how to tell people.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16You can't go, "Look! We've taken them off!
0:01:16 > 0:01:17We're both very bitter now."
0:01:19 > 0:01:23So, I've only told my closest friends, and you.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30I joke about this, but it's true. I believe the iPhone played a massive part
0:01:30 > 0:01:32in the breakdown of my marriage.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Because the moment my husband brought that skinny cow into my house, things were over between us.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40She would lord it over me, and go, "When he's with you, he's thinking of me."
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I was like, "Shut up, he loves me!"
0:01:42 > 0:01:44But during sex one night he started doing this to my face.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55I've been a bit disconnected with stuff that's been going on this year, but I know we had an election.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Did you enjoy the election?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58JEERING
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh come on, it was better than the football!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I knew it was an election as people kept coming to my door going,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"So, what do you think about immigration?"
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And I'd go, "I'm really enjoying it, thank you."
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And in the lead-up to the election, I did Question Time,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17which is the scariest thing I've ever done in my career.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20But what was lovely about it was realising that David Dimbleby
0:02:20 > 0:02:23is as obsessed with political correctness as I am.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26He took a question from the floor, and he went, "Yes, gentleman there.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"In the blue." Ten gentleman in blue kept their hand up.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32He goes, "No, gentlemen in the blue, with the eyes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37"The eyes set in a face, resting on a neck, on some shoulders."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Just say it, David, just say it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41The man in a turban.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Another thing I did this year, I got a cat.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48And apparently it's quite a common thing to get a pet when you're
0:02:48 > 0:02:51recently separated, to fill in the void.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54And I love my cat so much, and we're really in tune with each other.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59I was on the phone to my ex-husband recently, and we had a furious row.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I slammed the phone down, and I looked at my cat, and she was licking herself.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06And I knew we were thinking the same thing. "What an arsehole!"
0:03:08 > 0:03:13I wanted to get a goldfish, but there's something morally wrong about buying goldfish.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Because there's that tank full of them,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19and they put the net in the tank, and they pick a fish out at random.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23And you don't know what family dynamic you are destroying there.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I kind of felt like Madonna, you know?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30When you've got a pet that you love, it's
0:03:30 > 0:03:35really important not to treat the pet exactly as you do your child.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I've noticed that when I throw the boy over the banisters, he doesn't always land on his feet.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- You're a brilliant crowd, are you ready for your first act?- Yay!
0:03:45 > 0:03:51It is my absolute great pleasure to introduce to you someone I have loved for years and years and years,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Australia's most positive and brilliant export to this country.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Give it up for Mr Adam Hill!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Hello, Edinburgh!
0:04:09 > 0:04:14I want to tell you something right now that you may find vaguely offensive but go with me.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I have learned recently that deaf people are really racist.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22No, that's right, I'm not afraid to say it out loud.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31I do a lot of shows with sign interpreters, so deaf people can come to my shows.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I've learnt there are various signs for different countries.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Some of which make perfect sense, but some seem to me to be vaguely offensive. I'll give an example.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44The British Sign Language sign for your country, Scotland, it makes perfect sense, it's this.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49And you have to do the face as well.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53And it's a Scottish man playing the bagpipes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57I think. Or it's a Glaswegian man in a pub going, "D'you wanna drink? I'll buy you a drink."
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Some others that may not make sense, but are quite lovely, Iceland.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08In single-handed signing, that's the letter I. So Iceland is this.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Which is lovely, but it makes everybody from Iceland look slightly evil.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Here's where it gets vaguely confusing. This is the British Sign Language sign for England.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Because it's the letter E, no other reason.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25What's weird is, if you're outside of England,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28in country with a different language or alphabet, you can't do that.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31What you can do to represent England is this.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Why? Because it's the strap on a Bobby's helmet.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Which is lovely, but confusing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Because I'm not making this up, this is England,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44this is lesbian.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I think you can work out why.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58England, lesbian.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02England, lesbian. You don't want to get those two mixed up!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You don't want to go out to a nightclub, pick up two girls,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07take them home, then find out they're both English!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Here's where it starts getting offensive.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20The British Sign Language sign for Ireland is this...
0:06:22 > 0:06:27If you ask an English person why, they'll say, "There's a shamrock in my lapel, and it's sticking out,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"that's what that is." No it's not!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31That is English people going... "Oh..."
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"Oh my dear Lord, there seem to be Irish people on me."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43This is the one that got me though. The British Sign Language sign for
0:06:43 > 0:06:48my country, Australia, which is also the sign we use to represent Australia in Australia, is this.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54It's not that! There aren't deaf people around
0:06:54 > 0:06:59the world, from Australia, people go, "Where are you from?" They go, "Oh God, I need a microphone."
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Sign language sign for Australia in British Sign Language is this.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14That's just offensive.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18That's English people going, "We picked the dirty scum up, and we've put them over there."
0:07:19 > 0:07:24If you're going to make a sign for Australia, at least make it vaguely Australian. Something like ...
0:07:28 > 0:07:31What's amazing is my favourite piece of sign language in the world comes from Australia.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Every country has its own sign language, and in Australia
0:07:34 > 0:07:37there's a specific sign only used in Australian sign language.
0:07:37 > 0:07:43Because it sums up a phrase that is only used in the Australian spoken language. The sign is this.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53What that sign means is, "Fuck you, fuck the lot of yous."
0:07:53 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:02 > 0:08:06And what I love about that sign is that I was on a plane in Australia last year -
0:08:06 > 0:08:10flying from Australia to Melbourne, and a stewardess recognised me and said, "Oh, I've seen you do comedy."
0:08:10 > 0:08:13She said, "I really like the stuff you do about sign language."
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Thank you. She said, "In fact, I've managed to incorporate a bit of it into the safety demonstration."
0:08:21 > 0:08:26I have never watched the safety demonstration more carefully in my life! And she did the whole thing.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29The row of lights are here, and oxygen, if you need it, and at the
0:08:29 > 0:08:34appropriate point, I swear she did this, "And in case of an emergency, your exits are here and here."
0:08:37 > 0:08:41And I saw her a few months later, out on the street.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43She walked past me. I went, "Oh, hi". She went, "Oh, hi!"
0:08:43 > 0:08:47I went, "Oh, my God, it's you! I tell that story every night on stage."
0:08:47 > 0:08:51She said, "Good, cos I do that on every flight".
0:08:51 > 0:08:55And then she said, "I do make sure there aren't deaf people on board first".
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Can you imagine that? You're deaf, you're on a flight and what you see in the safety demonstration is,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"In case of an emergency, fuck you, fuck the lot of yous!"
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Thanks for supporting a great cause. Good night.
0:09:10 > 0:09:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Adam Hills, ladies and gentlemen!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- Are you all right there at the top? - Yeah!- You at the bottom?- Yeah!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30You're looking lovely. Next, we have an act who's terribly exotic.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32He's from Scotland!
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Please give it up for Edinburgh's own Danny Bhoy!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Hello. How are you all? CHEERING
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Are you enjoying your festival?- Yes!
0:09:52 > 0:09:58That's some of you. The rest of you are clearly from Edinburgh.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00So do Chinese people get English tattoos?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Does it work the other way round?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Anyhow...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I don't know!
0:10:06 > 0:10:11Guy in Beijing with, you know, "mind the gap" on his...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16It's spiritual, it's spiritual. It means...something...like...
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I don't know what it is.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23According to the World Health Organisation, or,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26as they are known in Glasgow, who?
0:10:30 > 0:10:36According to the World Health Organisation, we now have the worst diet in the world, in Scotland.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38The worst diet in the world. In the world!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I think you can tell a lot about a country from its diet.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44You look at our breakfast in Scotland.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Bacon, sausage, egg, beans, chips, burgers, crisps.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Bring out your dead, we'll have it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52As long as it's deep-fried, we don't give a shit.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54We are sending a message to the rest of the world.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It doesn't matter what you plan to do to us today, it's not nearly as bad
0:10:57 > 0:11:00as what we've just done to ourselves. There you go.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03In France, of course, the French have a croissant.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08FRENCH ACCENT: Yes, a little croissant...
0:11:08 > 0:11:12That's all I want, a little croissant. Then I will be quite full.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I will have to lie down, after my little croissant.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's not a breakfast, it's a bit of pastry!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21We would put that on top of a steak pie.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25It says a lot about the French, though, doesn't it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:30The old croissant, says, we are flaky and a little bit gay. That is who we are.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33This is who we are, who we are.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36The Spanish just have yogurt for breakfast.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I suppose you don't want anything too heavy if you're off to bed in a couple of hours.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I love the siesta. Why didn't we think of that?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51That's great. I love the fact the Spanish follow the natural body clock during the day.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53We're all tired after lunch.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Some point in history, the Spanish have been in a board meeting.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02One guy's just gone, "pfffffffffft!"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04SPANISH ACCENT: Hey.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Sebastien.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Are you tired?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Yes, very tired...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23F-Franco.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Very, very tired.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Sorry!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Sorry. H-How many people are tired?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35We're all tired! Let's go to bed, eh?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38One hour, two hours! Two hours!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Just as well we don't have a siesta in Scotland. We'd have to get up and
0:12:42 > 0:12:46have another one of those breakfasts. We'd be dead by the age of 12.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48That's my time. Thank you very much for listening. Good night.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen!
0:13:02 > 0:13:06And next we have someone who will be very familiar to you if you watch television,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09and even more familiar to you if you go and see live comedy,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11because he's an inspiration to many stand-up comedians.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Please give it up for the inimitable Mr Sean Lock!
0:13:15 > 0:13:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Ah, ah. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Hello, Edinburgh. Nice to be here.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32CHEERING
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I got the plane up today. Yep.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41As you can see, they forgot my luggage.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Someone said, "Why don't you get the train?"
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I said, "Well, I wouldn't be able to do that joke."
0:13:49 > 0:13:53They said, "It's not a very good joke." I said, "You haven't heard the next one."
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"They said, "Do it then." I said, "I'm not doing a gig."
0:13:56 > 0:14:01And they said, "Why are you doing the other one?" I said, "I was just talking to myself in the toilet."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04It's a bit awkward.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Anyway, my wife is so fat,
0:14:08 > 0:14:12she hates herself and sits in her room crying all day long.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Oh, dear! Lovely, innit? Charming.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20What is it about bunting that makes you want to buy a second-hand car?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Never worked that one out.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Do you know, that if a man masturbates twice a week,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29it reduces his chance of getting prostate cancer. It's true, that is.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33I've tallied up my weekly count, and I'm immortal!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I'm like Highlander.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Oh, dear.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49You know those stretch limos, if they're so great, right, how come every time I drive past one,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51someone's trying to climb out the window?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57The first time I saw one of those, I was very naive, I was a bit puzzled.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01I said, that's weird! What's the ambassador doing at Cheeky's Fun Pub?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Why is he dressed as Batman?
0:15:08 > 0:15:13Well, it's in situations like this I always think to myself, wish I had a bit of talent.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18It'd be nice for everybody, wouldn't it, if I could sing, dance, do a few impressions.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Parp, parp. ..Mind you, that's bound to be someone, isn't it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28It doesn't count if you don't know who it is.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Yeah, that's my mate, Ash Collins, always going...
0:15:31 > 0:15:34It's uncannily like him.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36But, um, no, it'd be nice, wouldn't it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38That's what I admire about those old club comics.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42They used to tell a filthy, horrible joke, then they'd sing a lovely song afterwards, wouldn't they,
0:15:42 > 0:15:47to make everything better again. Like Bernard Manning, who gets to the punchline of one of his jokes,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49something like this, something like,
0:15:49 > 0:15:54AS BERNARD MANNING: I walked in, and she was bent over stark naked, tying up one of her shoelaces!
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I said, hey, luv, I didn't recognise you without your teeth in.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04AS HIMSELF: Then he goes... AS BERNARD MANNING: # Feelings,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# Feelings, I can't forget these feelings of love... #
0:16:11 > 0:16:17Everything feels better again, doesn't it? The world seems like a cosy, warm and lovely place.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20'Ere we go, 'ere we go. Mr Whippy, having a shit.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22HE GROANS
0:16:26 > 0:16:34# Fly me to the moon and let me play amongst the stars
0:16:34 > 0:16:39# Let me see what life is like on Jupiter and Mars... #
0:16:41 > 0:16:45He's going down better than my act, isn't he?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49How'd you stop a dog humping your leg?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Pick him up, suck his cock.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# Soft and tanned and young and lovely
0:17:01 > 0:17:05# The girl from Ipanema goes walking... #
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Oh.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Magic moments for all of us.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18I can't really top that. You've got a fantastic rest of show. Thank you very much. Good night. Thank you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20CHEERING
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32And next, ladies and gentlemen, we have a hugely talented comedian,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36and the biggest name of the night, literally.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Please give it up for Tom Wrigglesworth.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Hello!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- AUDIENCE: Hello! - Good, excellent. Lovely.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Just relax. I've got quite a soothing Yorkshire accent. Enjoy that.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I'm aware that visually, I'm tricky.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07There's not a lot we can do about it now, I suppose. But hello, I am Tom.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'm from Sheffield, South Yorkshire.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10- MAN: Hey! - Yeah!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:18:12 > 0:18:19I still go back to Sheffield now and again, mainly to see my dad, who's mental.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22My dad got a new computer quite recently, right,
0:18:22 > 0:18:28it's his first computer, and he keeps it in the spare room I have no idea why, it's freezing cold in there.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30And he keeps it under a white sheet.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I thought the computer had died when I first saw it!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37So I'm showing him how to use it, I'm showing my dad how
0:18:37 > 0:18:42to use his first computer, and I gave him the mantra, the lesson, the maxim is to back up, isn't it?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44You must always back up. Back up, back up.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48If you really need something, print it out. But always back up.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50And we did a bit of Word, bit of Outlook, bit of Excel.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Basics, you know. And then I said, right, Dad, time for the big one. The internet.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59And I pointed out the logo of the internet, the big blue E.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02And I said, double click that, Dad. Surf's up.
0:19:02 > 0:19:08Now, I don't know if anyone here has tried to teach an elderly friend or relative how to use a computer,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11but, crikey, they don't have the motor skills!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14They don't... I didn't realise! They don't have the motor skills!
0:19:14 > 0:19:20Who knew that? My dad tried to double click it. He clicked on it once, then his hand just spazzed, like that.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It just jerked. His upper body tensed.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24He went, oh!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28So rather than double click it, he simply picked up the big blue E...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34dragged it,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36then dropped it in the recycle bin.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I panicked - I went, "Whoa, Dad! What's happened?"
0:19:42 > 0:19:43He said, "I don't know, son. My hand just slipped.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46"You saw it, son, it just went."
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I said, "Where's the big blue E?"
0:19:49 > 0:19:51He said, "It's in that bin, son."
0:19:51 > 0:19:55I said, "Dad, you've deleted the internet!"
0:19:56 > 0:20:01He said, "Is that bad?" I said, "Yes, that's pretty bad that, Dad, yes, there was a lot of work in that.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"That was 50 years of mankind moving forward there, Dad.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08"That was progress, progress and you've deleted the bastard."
0:20:08 > 0:20:10My dad started crying.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I thought, fuck him. He gave me this nose, so...
0:20:16 > 0:20:22I said, "They're going to know it's you, Dad. They can track that sort of thing, you know."
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I ran off home and left him to it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29What happened next beggars belief. The next day, my dad phoned me up
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and he had a really optimistic twang in his voice.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35He goes, "Hey, Tom it's your dad. Great news, son. Great news.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37"I was looking in the recycle bin
0:20:37 > 0:20:39"and the internet was still there.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44"Well, the bin men don't come till Thursday, do they?
0:20:45 > 0:20:50"Anyway, I clicked on it, son, and it said, would you like to restore the internet? So I selected yes.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"Everything's fine, I'm out the woods."
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I said, "Phew!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"What a relief, Dad. Close one."
0:20:57 > 0:21:01He said, "Yes, but I've learnt my lesson and I don't want that to happen again, do I?
0:21:01 > 0:21:06"So I'm doing what you told me, I'm taking your advice." I said, "Just stop there, dad.
0:21:06 > 0:21:13"You're not trying to back up the internet are you, Dad? You can't back up the internet.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17He said, "No, I'm not trying to back it up, I'm printing it out.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"This is page 922 billion.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"There were a lot of these, I couldn't show your mother.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Thank you very much indeed, it's been lovely chatting.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Tom Wrigglesworth, ladies and gentlemen!
0:21:43 > 0:21:48And we're moving swiftly on and our next fantastic act is someone I've toured with all over the country.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Please give it up for the wonderful Mr John Richardson.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Hello!
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Hi, hello, hi, hello, hi. How are you?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Nice. I've made a bit of an effort. Proper shoes on.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11World Cup summers are always the best, aren't they?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Give us a cheer if you enjoyed the World Cup.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14SMALL CHEER
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Thank you. I enjoyed it. I sort of feel sorry,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21I watched Spain winning and I thought, you're finished, aren't you?
0:22:21 > 0:22:26You're never going to do anything that good in your entire life. Some of them are 19, ruined now.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I said this to a friend and she went, "No, they might have kids."
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Come on, let's be honest, having kids is all well and good, it's not as good as winning the World Cup, is it?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Let's just say that now. Unless they come out made of gold...
0:22:39 > 0:22:45They come out made of gold, you cut the umbilical cord, lift the baby and the world goes mental for a week...
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Then it's the same thing. If you get recognised on the street for the rest of your life for having had a baby,
0:22:49 > 0:22:54then it's the same thing. "Are you the guy with the baby?" "Yes, 2010, what a year".
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"Ha! I never forget. It was a team effort".
0:22:59 > 0:23:03A lot of people hate kids, I really like kids. I think people who hate kids are just jealous.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07They're allowed to have so much fun, kids, aren't they? They're never told off.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10If you see a kid playing, adults think, well, it will end soon
0:23:10 > 0:23:13and then I'll be back to the drudgery of my tedious existence.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18Kids don't know about that. You don't go, "Enjoying Winnie the Pooh? Cos you're going to die one day".
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"Worth thinking about, isn't it?"
0:23:21 > 0:23:25The most jealous I've been of any human this year was a little three-year-old girl on a train.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30She was playing I Spy with her mum and dad and it was her turn to do the thing.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34She went, "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S".
0:23:34 > 0:23:38The parents naturally went, well she's three years old, this should be fairly straightforward.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"Is it seats?" "No."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44This has gone up a notch.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"Is it sunshine?" "Noooo!"
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Then they got annoyed, because they couldn't get it for 10 minutes and it wasn't fun any more, right?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56The dad was going, "There's a steak knife there, perhaps it's a steak knife?" "It can't be a steak knife.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"She doesn't know what a steak knife is".
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"Is it a steak knife?" "Noooo!"
0:24:01 > 0:24:03By now she's off her face, this kid.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08She has literary outfoxed the entire adult nation.
0:24:08 > 0:24:14Then about 12 minutes into the game she went, "Ha, ha, ha! Oh ... I can't see it".
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Whoa!
0:24:15 > 0:24:20This is why I was jealous and this is why they're good parents and she'll grow to be a good person.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24They said, "Oh it doesn't matter, love. We'll play I Don't Spy".
0:24:24 > 0:24:26You wouldn't take that shit off an adult, would you?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29If you're with a mate and 12 minutes in they went, "I can't see it",
0:24:29 > 0:24:33"Interesting, Alan, because it makes me wonder WHAT THE HELL we've been doing?!"
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"15 minutes of my life gone. 15 minutes of my life.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43"Salamander, I said once. And it didn't occur to you then that you couldn't see this frigging thing?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48"I'll give you a fact about you, Alan. I wish you were dead."
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I can't, I don't deal with friends or any human.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57I spend my year entering conversations and totally screwing them up by trying to be too funny.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02I went to get my sister a Robbie Williams calendar for Christmas, because I'm a very good brother.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07Just me in Clintons buying a Robbie Williams calendar and I saw the woman on the till,
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I thought, she's going to be slightly awkward with this. I'll do a joke to lighten the mood.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15As soon as she scanned the calendar, I grabbed it and went "Mine!"
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Of course, it's hilarious if you know me quite well.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26That's funny, because John doesn't really like Robbie Williams and he's emphasised it for comic effect.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31If you've never met me in your entire life, who knows what she's thinking?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"Ooh, you're a very rude gay!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:40"In the last 12 months, you wouldn't grab a cock like that, would you?"
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Well, that's my time. It's been a pleasure talking to you. Enjoy your evening.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52John Richardson, ladies and gentlemen!
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Ladies and gentlemen, our next act is absolutely brilliant. He's a star already, despite being so young
0:25:57 > 0:25:59that I'm actually friends with his mummy.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Please give it up for Jack Whitehall.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Good evening, Edinburgh!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Well done everyone for coming out tonight for charity,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17this is why we're here, for charity, so well done.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I don't want to show off, I'm actually quite charitable.
0:26:20 > 0:26:26A couple of years ago I actually bought one of those anti-bullying charity wristbands.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I say bought, I stole it off a fat ginger kid.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Risky joke to do in Scotland, that.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35The, er...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38What's going to happen? Chase me home?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Go past a pie shop.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44No, I won't make light of bullying.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I had a hard time at school, I wasn't good at school, I wasn't academic, wasn't good at sport, I was rubbish.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53Eventually I decided if I'm useless at everything this school has to offer,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I'm literally the dregs of society. The only I can do is, if I've got nothing to give...
0:26:57 > 0:27:01is to become a drama student because that's what you do if you've got nothing.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Now, a couple of people tittering there.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09I don't think you realise how dangerous a statement that is to make at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14I don't care. What are they going to do? "Look at me, I'm making an angry tree".
0:27:17 > 0:27:20But it's lovely to be in Scotland, in Edinburgh.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24It's already been an amazing summer, if you're Scottish.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Fantastic stuff that's happened.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30For a start there your victory in the World Cup, so well done for that. It was nice...
0:27:30 > 0:27:33to sit back and watch us piss it up the wall!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37It was very hard to watch as an Englishman that quite likes football and the only way to get through it
0:27:37 > 0:27:40was to look for the positives and there were some positives.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44My favourite one was being able to watch the North Korea game on BBC Three,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47the same channel we're doing this fine show for tonight
0:27:47 > 0:27:51and watching the North Korea game on BBC Three, throughout the entire match,
0:27:51 > 0:27:57there was just a tiny caption on the top right-hand corner that simply read, "Press red button now".
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I thought, don't tell them that!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Terrified! The other great game was a Holland match
0:28:04 > 0:28:07and it wasn't a particularly exciting game of football to watch
0:28:07 > 0:28:11but it was brilliant because in the crowd were all these celebrities.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16I don't know if anyone saw this, but at one point the camera cut in the crowd to Leonardo DiCaprio.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20I thought, wow! And from nowhere, the commentator goes,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24"Oh, either that's Matt Damon or Leonardo DiCaprio's put on weight".
0:28:24 > 0:28:29What?! It's Leonardo DiCaprio! Five minutes later as if it couldn't get any worse,
0:28:29 > 0:28:34the camera cuts to Charlize Theron, one of the most famous women on the planet
0:28:34 > 0:28:39and the commentator just goes, "Oh, I don't know whose WAG that is, but it's definitely someone's WAG!"
0:28:39 > 0:28:43It's not, it's Academy Award winner Charlize Theron. That's who it is.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46You're just insulting celebrities for no apparent reason.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50I was terrified then the camera was going to cut do I don't know, Nelson Mandela
0:28:50 > 0:28:54and he'd have been just like, "Oh, Kriss Akabusi looks like shit!"
0:28:58 > 0:29:03Oh, I've nearly run out of time, but before I go, I realise earlier on I made a joke about people
0:29:03 > 0:29:05being overweight and I don't want to be like that
0:29:05 > 0:29:09because it's really hard when you're trying to lead a healthy life.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Because everything is there to trip you up.
0:29:11 > 0:29:16When you're buying food in the supermarket and you want to look at the nutritional information,
0:29:16 > 0:29:19and every packet now has the little wheel of guilt on it.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21It lures you in, doesn't it?
0:29:21 > 0:29:24You're buying something like ice cream and it's like,
0:29:24 > 0:29:27"This ice cream only contains 5% of your intake of calories."
0:29:27 > 0:29:31Oh, that's promising, I'll buy the ice cream then, how lovely.
0:29:31 > 0:29:36Then you look a bit closer and above the wheel of guilt, tiny white writing, "One 8th of a tub."
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Oh, you cheeky bastards!
0:29:38 > 0:29:40You're not allowed to do that.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Put on the packet whatever makes it sound good to sell the product,
0:29:43 > 0:29:48then make up a ludicrously unrealistic portion size so I buy it like a twat.
0:29:48 > 0:29:54That's like Greggs going, "This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories...
0:29:54 > 0:29:56"if you lick it."
0:29:59 > 0:30:03You guys have been wonderful. Thank you so much for coming out. Good night.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen!
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Ready for your next act?
0:30:16 > 0:30:20It's a gentleman from my native London.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Please give it up for the wonderful Marlon Davis!
0:30:32 > 0:30:34- Hello!- Hello!
0:30:34 > 0:30:39Hi, I know you lot are thinking - not another female South African runner.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49Oh, gosh. It's been a good year up in Edinburgh, which is nice.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Good year, positive. Positivity going on in my life right now.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55- I finally moved out my mum's house. - Yes!
0:30:55 > 0:30:59Thank you. I now live with my dad.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03I live in dad's house and dad's house is rubbish. There's nothing there.
0:31:03 > 0:31:08Mum's house is nice because it has stuff like electricity.
0:31:08 > 0:31:09Dad ain't got that in his house at all.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12He's got a toilet but he's got no tissue.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15He's got a remote control but no telly.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18He's got a fridge but there's nothing in the fridge.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21You open up in mum's house, you see food there, you want to do a dance, it's nice.
0:31:21 > 0:31:26Open up the fridge in my dad's, all you see is cheese and a tennis racket.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31The tennis racket is asking you questions like, "where's the tennis ball?" I don't know. I don't know.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Let's ask my dad, shall we?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36"Dad, how can you live like this?"
0:31:36 > 0:31:39And he said, "It's because your mum took everything away from me!"
0:31:39 > 0:31:43"She take everything. She took the toilet tissue...
0:31:43 > 0:31:45"She took the TV...
0:31:45 > 0:31:47"And the goddamn tennis ball!"
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Ah, that's where the tennis ball is.
0:31:49 > 0:31:57"Ah you don't understand. I can't even go to sleep at night because she took my dreams too!"
0:31:57 > 0:31:58But it's not all bad at dad's.
0:31:58 > 0:32:04There's some advantages to living there because I can bring girls round to the house, yes!
0:32:04 > 0:32:07He bloody loves it.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09He's like, "Hello!
0:32:09 > 0:32:11"Where you find this one from?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14"She's nice."
0:32:14 > 0:32:18If he's hugging her for too long I'm like, Dad, let her go, Dad, let her go.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19He'll be outside my room door...
0:32:21 > 0:32:24"When you're finished with her...
0:32:24 > 0:32:27"can you send her to my room, please?"
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Disgusting, isn't it? It is, because she goes as well.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32It's bloody...
0:32:33 > 0:32:37But I had to move out of my mum's because she did stuff that irritated me, just little things.
0:32:37 > 0:32:42I'm upstairs and she's downstairs and she calls out my name.
0:32:42 > 0:32:47She says "Marlon, Marlon, Marlon!" Yes? "Marlon!" I'm on my way.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49"Marlon!" I'm in the middle. "Marlon!" I'm nearly there.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51"Marlon!" Last step.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54"Marlon!" I'm in your face, mum!
0:32:54 > 0:32:57What are you still shouting for?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59She said, "Go upstairs and get my slippers for me."
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Yes, I'm a father now.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06I've got a son. A little boy.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09I've got a little boy. Got a little boy.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Don't know who the mum is, but I've got...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15A little boy. You got to teach him some stuff sometimes.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18I say, Kaden, what's that? He goes, "Cat." I'm like, oh, bless!
0:33:18 > 0:33:21It really is a cat. How did you know it was a cat?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Say another, what's that one? "Sheep."
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Oh, bless. It really is a sheep.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28What's that one? "Cat." No, it's a dog.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31"Cat." No, it's a dog.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33"Cat." No, it's a dog. Woof, woof.
0:33:33 > 0:33:37That's what it does, it's a dog, all right? "Cat." No, it's a dog. "Cat."
0:33:37 > 0:33:39No, it's a dog. "Cat."
0:33:39 > 0:33:41It's a dog. "Cat." It's a dog...
0:33:41 > 0:33:42Oh, fuck's sake! "Fuck's sake."
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Thanks very much for listening to me, I'm Marlon Davis, good night.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Marlon Davies, ladies and gentlemen!
0:33:58 > 0:34:00And you're in for such a treat now.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04We have someone who's been tearing it up all over the UK comedy circuit.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Please give it up for Josh Widdicombe!
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Hello!
0:34:17 > 0:34:21Are we well? I am loving being in Edinburgh but I
0:34:21 > 0:34:25enjoy travelling around with comedy, I go to a lot of touristy things during the day.
0:34:25 > 0:34:31I went to Madam Tussaud's recently. I don't know if you've been to this wax-apocalypse!
0:34:31 > 0:34:36I didn't realise they had a waxwork at Madam Tussaud's of Adolf Hitler.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41I was shocked. I turned to my tour guide and I said "Is that Hitler?" I want to check it wasn't Chaplin.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43She said, "Yeah." I said,
0:34:43 > 0:34:48"That man killed 11 million people. I don't think that is appropriate."
0:34:48 > 0:34:54She said, "The thing is, Sir, not all of our waxworks are going to be popular with everyone.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01"For instance, I don't like Sting."
0:35:05 > 0:35:10I said, "They have committed very different crimes, if I'm honest with you.
0:35:10 > 0:35:15"I'm not a huge fan of The Police either, but I do prefer them to the Nazis."
0:35:17 > 0:35:20My understanding of Madam Tussaud's, correct me if I'm wrong, you get popular and
0:35:20 > 0:35:26they make a waxwork of you, you get unpopular, they melt it down.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30How unpopular does Hitler need to get to have his waxwork melted down?
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Spare a thought for Anneka Rice. One bad series of Challenge Anneka,
0:35:33 > 0:35:36she was a set of candles. How will she feel?
0:35:38 > 0:35:42If you do go, a little tip, do not get the guided tour,
0:35:42 > 0:35:48because in a museum of lookalikes, a guided tour is utterly pointless.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50All they can do is point and name, that is all they've got.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55We are walking around and at one point she went, "This one here is Jack the Ripper."
0:35:55 > 0:36:01I said, "Jack the Ripper? A man primarily famous for never being seen or recognised.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08"I mean I'm not saying that doesn't look like Jack the Ripper, I wouldn't know.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11"What I am saying is, if it does, perhaps who you should be showing,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"it shouldn't be disinterested tourists, but the police."
0:36:14 > 0:36:20She said, "We've already established I'm not a fan of The Police." I said, "Not that police."
0:36:22 > 0:36:27It is difficult, you get invited to these weird things, I got invited recently to a traffic light party.
0:36:27 > 0:36:33If you don't know what one of these is, what it is is the bleakest thing humanity has ever invented.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36It is a party for single people and what you do is you go wearing the
0:36:36 > 0:36:43colour of a traffic light depending on your availability for "congress" with a stranger.
0:36:43 > 0:36:51Red if you are not available, orange if it's a maybe and green if you have absolutely no self-respect at all.
0:36:51 > 0:36:56I didn't go because I'm a driver and I know how traffic lights work. I know of that party's going to end.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01It's going to end with one girl stood in green and a queue of men with me at the back slowly edging
0:37:01 > 0:37:03forward going, "Please still be green when I get there."
0:37:09 > 0:37:11You're not even safe if you wear orange because I've driven
0:37:11 > 0:37:13with a lot of people that when they see orange they go,
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"We that's essentially green if I go fast enough, isn't it?"
0:37:19 > 0:37:23You have been lovely. My name's Josh Widdicombe, thank you very much, cheers.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34Josh Widdicombe, ladies and gentlemen.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Are you ready for more?
0:37:38 > 0:37:44Our next act has been described as a very northern comedian but up here, he's just another southern softie.
0:37:44 > 0:37:49Ladies and gentlemen, it is my absolute pleasure to introduce to you, Mick Ferry.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02How are you doing? A bit of eye candy for the ladies now.
0:38:02 > 0:38:03Yeah!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Take it in!
0:38:07 > 0:38:14Apparently I am officially the only pregnant male working in the Fringe.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18You have to listen to a lot of fat s... Any other fatties?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I will point you out if I have to.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Well done, you are not messing around, you like me, mate, dead before you are 50.
0:38:25 > 0:38:30I'm on a diet, anybody on a diet?
0:38:30 > 0:38:33I'm on a points-based diet. Brilliant. Do it, points-based diet.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37You wake up in the morning and you go, "If I have a slice of toast and a yoghurt...
0:38:37 > 0:38:39"I've got one, two, three...
0:38:40 > 0:38:42"I can get drunk."
0:38:42 > 0:38:49That's what I've been doing every night. I think I'm losing weight but just getting a bigger beer belly.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51It's a great diet.
0:38:51 > 0:38:56One of the things that has made it awkward is that supermarkets don't make it easy any more for you.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00Do you know why? Especially on a diet, every supermarket's got a rotisserie.
0:39:00 > 0:39:05There was a time when you went to the supermarket, you got your food, you took it home, you prepare it.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07They have taken that out of the equation now.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11When you are on a diet and you are pushing a trolley around you go, "Oh, flapjacks and lettuce.
0:39:11 > 0:39:16"Oh, flapjacks and lettuce, I'm going to be full, Oh, flapjacks and lettuce."
0:39:16 > 0:39:23You walk past the rotisserie and you hear it, "Hey!
0:39:23 > 0:39:26"Fat man!
0:39:28 > 0:39:31"Yes, you!
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"Come and have a look.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37"Look what I've done for you.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42"Chickens, three different sizes.
0:39:43 > 0:39:50"Chicken legs, chicken thighs, half-chickens, chicken wings..,
0:39:50 > 0:39:52"I've not even finished yet.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57"Pork belly with stuffing,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59"smoked sausages,
0:39:59 > 0:40:03"and a selection of pies... for you."
0:40:07 > 0:40:08"I'm on a diet."
0:40:10 > 0:40:12"Nobody needs to know.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18"You can eat it before you get home."
0:40:21 > 0:40:25That is what I found myself doing, I have been sat in the car with half a chicken.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30Where were you? You took your time. Why have you got grease on your face?
0:40:30 > 0:40:35I have to do the shopping. We do it individually now, me and the missus,
0:40:35 > 0:40:39cos she won't go to supermarkets with me any more because I get bored and supermarkets and because there is
0:40:39 > 0:40:42a lot of places to hide, it is very funny to shout things out.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46My favourite one, if we are going down and aisle and there will be a woman in front of us I will go,
0:40:46 > 0:40:50"Don't call her a bitch!" And then I duck off.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Some women going...
0:40:57 > 0:40:58She's dieting as well with me.
0:40:58 > 0:41:03I've got to be honest, these ladies as well, don't get too skinny, it's never been
0:41:03 > 0:41:08my preference, a real skinny woman, it might be nice in a magazine but sharing a bed with a skinny woman,
0:41:08 > 0:41:14I don't like it. You wake up halfway through the night because you think you're lying on a remote control...
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"What is on my back? Oh, it's your spine.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24"Go and have a pie.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27"Not one of mine. Touch mine and I'll kill you."
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Folks, enjoy the rest of your night, enjoy the rest of your Edinburgh.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34I have been Mick Ferry, goodnight, God bless, goodbye.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44Mick Ferry, ladies and gentlemen.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Our next act is someone I've worked with loads on the comedy circuit.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51It is my great pleasure to introduce to you tonight, Mr Carey Marx.
0:42:00 > 0:42:05I was walking through London. There was a preacher, stood outside a bank.
0:42:05 > 0:42:12He had a T-shirt that said "Jesus saves." He looked like a weird advert for the bank.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17If I was a bank manager, I would have sent out a member of staff
0:42:17 > 0:42:20to stand next to him in a T-shirt that says, "With us."
0:42:20 > 0:42:25He was yelling down the street, "Climate change, God's angry, we're all going to die!"
0:42:25 > 0:42:29He came up to me and he said, "Are you concerned about climate change?"
0:42:29 > 0:42:32I said, "Yes, I am, but I'm a good person, I've got a Bag For Life."
0:42:33 > 0:42:37Some of you might call it reusing bags but in Britain we call it a Bag For Life.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40How many of you have got a bag for life?
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Because we're good people.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44One problem with a Bag For Life,
0:42:44 > 0:42:47it doesn't appear in your hand when it's convenient to go shopping.
0:42:49 > 0:42:54Any time I think I'll get one more Bag For Life and will definitely reuse this one,
0:42:54 > 0:42:57but no, it goes in the Bag For Life drawer.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59With all the other Bags For Life.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02They are overflowing over the kitchen floor.
0:43:02 > 0:43:07You can throw them away - it's a bag for life for heavens sake, you have got to wait till someone dies.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14What a strange age we're in. You have got to watch your carbon footprint.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Have you seen what clowns do? It's evil.
0:43:16 > 0:43:21I've seen them doing it. Clowns, rather than expel their CO2 into the atmosphere and
0:43:21 > 0:43:24they take responsibility for it, no, they blow it into a balloon,
0:43:24 > 0:43:28make it into a little animal and they give it to children.
0:43:28 > 0:43:32Children walking around with bubbles of deadly gas and their balloons burst
0:43:32 > 0:43:36and children's carbon footprints are very high now because of clowns.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Cows are murdering us all with their farting.
0:43:38 > 0:43:43It's true, cow farting is a major contributory factor so now the scientists have come up
0:43:43 > 0:43:48with a suppository to to give cows to stop them farting and that is the age we are all now living in.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51You are now a good person if you fist a cow's arse.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54For the planet.
0:43:55 > 0:43:58You can't put your willy in a cow, that's wrong.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00You can fist its arse!
0:44:00 > 0:44:01That's good.
0:44:04 > 0:44:08I know I'm on dodgy territory here.
0:44:08 > 0:44:12A man interrupted me a few days ago and said, "It's not fisting, I'm a farmer
0:44:12 > 0:44:15"and you just put your arm in once and then take it out."
0:44:15 > 0:44:18And I'm like, "Yeah, that's how it starts."
0:44:22 > 0:44:25So a preacher asked me, "Are you worried about climate change?"
0:44:25 > 0:44:30And I said "Yes, but I've got a Bag For Life and whenever I can, I punch a clown and fist a cow."
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Make sure you get it the right way round, by the way.
0:44:39 > 0:44:43If you punch a cow and fist a clown, you achieve nothing for the planet.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45Frankly, you feel demeaned.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49You've probably ruined a children's party for no benefit to anyone.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52There's no getting out of that, unless you're a damn good puppeteer.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Have a great night. Thank you very much.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:06 > 0:45:07Carey Marx!
0:45:07 > 0:45:09CHEERING
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Our next act is a comedy legend.
0:45:12 > 0:45:16When I was growing up watching him on TV when I was a kid, I would
0:45:16 > 0:45:20dream that I'd have the privilege of introducing him onto the stage.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24Please give it up for the one and only Emo Philips.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41I used to be scared of pretty girls.
0:45:42 > 0:45:45And then one said, "Emo...
0:45:45 > 0:45:47"we're scared of YOU."
0:45:52 > 0:45:56Women like courtesy on a date.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58I got in trouble once on a date...
0:46:00 > 0:46:04..I didn't open the car door for her.
0:46:06 > 0:46:11Instead, I just swam for the surface.
0:46:13 > 0:46:15APPLAUSE
0:46:18 > 0:46:23I like to play chess with old men in the park.
0:46:24 > 0:46:29Of course, the tough part about playing chess with old men in the park
0:46:29 > 0:46:32is finding 32 of them.
0:46:39 > 0:46:43I have a line of greeting cards coming out.
0:46:44 > 0:46:48My first job as a kid, I went door-to-door selling
0:46:48 > 0:46:53greeting cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56You break it, you buy it.
0:47:03 > 0:47:07If you know anyone getting married, here's a nice one.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33Let's have a birthday card.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36It's birthday season approaching.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06My sister married someone from Germany,
0:48:06 > 0:48:11which is not the most efficient way to get back at them.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15But she's doing her part.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18I'm at a deli with him in New York.
0:48:18 > 0:48:24He says "Emo, I can't get a good bagel back in Germany."
0:48:24 > 0:48:26I said "Well, whose fault is that?"
0:48:30 > 0:48:32Thank you. Good night.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48Emo Philips, ladies and gentlemen!
0:48:52 > 0:48:56Our next act is someone I'm a huge fan of and I know you'll love him too.
0:48:56 > 0:48:58Please give it up for Imran Yusuf.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09Yes, Edinburgh. Hello, my name is Imran Yusuf.
0:49:09 > 0:49:12I'm having a fantastic festival, man!
0:49:12 > 0:49:17People are coming up to me after my show and asking me questions, yeah?
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Cos I'm interesting, ladies.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23People are saying to me, "Hey, Imran Yusuf, are you one of these
0:49:23 > 0:49:27"British Muslims, or are you one of these Muslims living in Britain?"
0:49:27 > 0:49:29Now, see, if I give one answer,
0:49:29 > 0:49:32I side with one team, only make THEM happy.
0:49:32 > 0:49:37If I give the other answer, I only side with the other team, only make THEM happy.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40There ain't no real way to win and please everybody.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43Or is there? That's something I've really thought about, OK.
0:49:43 > 0:49:48And I don't care what you call yourself, white, black, Chinese, Martian, it doesn't matter.
0:49:48 > 0:49:53The only thing that defines you in your life is how you choose to behave.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56Carry on like a bellend, no-one will like you!
0:49:57 > 0:50:01I don't care what the colour of your skin is, what religion you believe in,
0:50:01 > 0:50:04but if you talk inside the cinema, you can go to hell.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08Right, see, that's the way it should work.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10If you're polite and you have manners, people will love you.
0:50:10 > 0:50:15So when people ask me, am I a British Muslim or a Muslim living in Britain, this is how I answer.
0:50:15 > 0:50:19And this is a true story, this actually happened to me back home in London.
0:50:19 > 0:50:22I was on a Tube train and it was packed full of people,
0:50:22 > 0:50:24and I look over and see this women get up to leave.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27Now, I'm standing next to the door so I can get off easily.
0:50:27 > 0:50:33And she's coming towards me. And she starts squeezing through the carriage, really slowly.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36She gets to where I am and she puts her handbag on.
0:50:36 > 0:50:38And as her handbag comes on like this,
0:50:38 > 0:50:42her elbow came up like that and straight into my eye.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45And I...apologised.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51"I'm sorry, I seem to have assaulted your elbow...
0:50:52 > 0:50:54"..with my eyeball."
0:50:54 > 0:50:57It doesn't get any more British than that!
0:50:58 > 0:51:00Then I blew up the train!
0:51:06 > 0:51:08Some of you are like, "I bet he did too."
0:51:10 > 0:51:12That's Nick Griffin's favourite joke, man.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14He'd be like "No, no, no, no, no,
0:51:14 > 0:51:18"I'm not a racist, I have a colour television."
0:51:19 > 0:51:24Man, the BNP, did you hear about that Asian guy that joined the BNP?
0:51:24 > 0:51:28Did you hear about the British Asian guy who joined the BNP, he was a Sikh guy,
0:51:28 > 0:51:30with a massive pink turban,
0:51:30 > 0:51:33and he joined the BNP.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36I thought, "Boy, he must have been somewhat confused."
0:51:36 > 0:51:39"Yes, BNP - Bhangra and Punjabi, no?"
0:51:42 > 0:51:46Then he turned up to that first meeting, he's like, "Oh, they don't like bhangra.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49"And they definitely don't like Punjabis."
0:51:49 > 0:51:53Crazy stuff, man. Affiliation and identity means so much to people nowadays.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Give me a cheer if you're proud to be British.
0:51:55 > 0:51:57SOME CHEERING AND BOOING
0:51:57 > 0:52:03Not everybody, but hey! This kind of made me think, right, what does it mean to be proud to be British?
0:52:03 > 0:52:07Is it something to do with your ethnicity or how many generations your family have been here?
0:52:07 > 0:52:10I think you know you're proud to be British when this happens to you.
0:52:10 > 0:52:15You'll be at home, or you'll be at work and you install a new software program on your computer.
0:52:15 > 0:52:20And when you do, that little dialogue box appears and it says "Select preferred language."
0:52:20 > 0:52:25And the default is always English US.
0:52:25 > 0:52:29And you just look at it and go, "Huh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no."
0:52:30 > 0:52:33That's when you know you're proud to be British.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37That's all from me, guys. My name's Imran Yusuf. Peace out, God bless.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Imran Yusuf, ladies and gentlemen!
0:52:51 > 0:52:54Wow, how lovely to see the ethnics making their mark.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56Really makes me feel very proud.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59Are you ready for our final act for this glorious evening?
0:52:59 > 0:53:01CHEERING
0:53:01 > 0:53:04Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Jimeoin.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16Right, right, right. Thank you, thank you very much.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21I do like to move around the stage a little bit at the start.
0:53:21 > 0:53:24Just trying to find the funniest part of the stage.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45This is normally how night's work.
0:53:45 > 0:53:49Normally what happens is when people are telling you a story,
0:53:49 > 0:53:52halfway through their story, it suddenly reminds you of a story.
0:53:52 > 0:53:55So the whole way through their story, you're not listening to a word,
0:53:55 > 0:54:00you're just thinking, "Hurry up and finish that stupid story, mine's next."
0:54:02 > 0:54:07But you have to pretend that you're listening because if you don't listen to them, they won't listen to you.
0:54:07 > 0:54:11So you have to look like you're listening. You don't have to listen, it's just a trick.
0:54:11 > 0:54:15Eyebrows down for listening, eyebrows up for talking, that's all you have to do.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17"Very much so. We had that, we did that, too.
0:54:19 > 0:54:21"I know, it's bizarre."
0:54:22 > 0:54:26Next time someone's talking to you, do eyebrows up, do you see what happens?
0:54:26 > 0:54:29Cos they're talking to you and you're going...
0:54:35 > 0:54:38They're thinking, "He's not listening."
0:54:40 > 0:54:44You have to leave a gap at the end of their story like you reflecting on the reason why
0:54:44 > 0:54:45they told that story.
0:54:45 > 0:54:49If you launch straight into your story, they'll know you were just waiting for the end.
0:54:49 > 0:54:53Not too long a gap, cos someone else might come in with their story and you're like...!
0:54:56 > 0:55:00Then they take the story away from your subject matter, your story's no longer relevant.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03That was the only window in the night to tell that story.
0:55:03 > 0:55:07Now it's gone, you have to think of a whole new story.
0:55:11 > 0:55:14Do you ever get a sneeze that just won't come?
0:55:14 > 0:55:18You can't explain what's wrong with you because you can't talk for that period.
0:55:18 > 0:55:22You're talking and stop talking and your friends are going, "What's wrong?"
0:55:22 > 0:55:23And you're going...
0:55:32 > 0:55:37It's even worse when you're on the phone because they don't know what's happening. "Hello?"
0:55:43 > 0:55:47Or you're talking to someone and they have to yawn, and then they realise that's rude, because it's
0:55:47 > 0:55:53implying that your story's boring, so they try and stifle the yawn, and end up looking even more stupid.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55You're talking to them and they're going...
0:56:03 > 0:56:06It's infectious, you start doing it back to them.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15Someone else comes in the room and they have to sneeze, but can't.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32That's how kung-fu movies start.
0:56:36 > 0:56:40Enter The Dragon, that was Bruce Lee walking into a room about to sneeze.
0:56:43 > 0:56:45The other two guys were yawning.
0:56:48 > 0:56:53It wrote itself. That's all from me. Thank you very much and...
0:56:55 > 0:56:57..have a great night, thank you.
0:57:03 > 0:57:05Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen!
0:57:08 > 0:57:11- Have you had a good evening? - CHEERING
0:57:11 > 0:57:14Please give it up for all of the wonderful acts you've seen tonight.
0:57:16 > 0:57:18God bless the Edinburgh Comedy Festival!
0:57:20 > 0:57:24Thank you for coming. I've been Shappi Khorsandi. Good night.
0:57:47 > 0:57:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:57:51 > 0:57:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk