0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live 2011!
0:00:27 > 0:00:32Please welcome your host, Jon Richardson.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Hello, Edinburgh!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- AUDIENCE CHEERS - How are you?
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Welcome to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival Live.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50So the Edinburgh Festival... Are you enjoying it?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53You've kind of boiled it all down into one show,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56so I'm guessing you're not massively into the festival.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58"We can see it in one evening and then just piss off."
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I don't like Edinburgh Festival.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04There's nowhere in the world where there are more happy people
0:01:04 > 0:01:06trying to spread happiness for other people,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09and it frankly is mildly irritating.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I'm not a big fan of the happy, if I'm honest.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Give a cheer if you'd describe yourself as a happy person.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- AUDIENCE CHEERS - That's nice.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- You're always happy? - CHEERING
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Bullshit. Impossible. Absolutely.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24What you're doing there is not paying attention.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26THEY LAUGH
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Because some stuff is shit. It's just a fact in the world,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and you have acknowledge that so you can deal with it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35The problem with happy people is, if you say, "I'm not very happy,"
0:01:35 > 0:01:39their advice is terrible. They say, "Oh, you should just chillax."
0:01:39 > 0:01:43"You're making that quite difficult with your vocabulary at the moment."
0:01:43 > 0:01:46It's like going up to someone who's just been shot
0:01:46 > 0:01:48and saying, "Hey, you want to stop bleeding."
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- LAUGHTER - It's not advice, is it?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I hate the simplicity of it. When I think of happiness,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56the image that comes to mind is a man in Edinburgh.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01He was a homeless man, and he used to stand outside the Sainsbury's on Rose Street,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and he used to sing Bobby McFerrin's Don't Worry, Be Happy.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It would cheer you up and you'd give him some money.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09The song, if I'm honest, annoys me beyond belief.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12That's not advice, is it? "Don't worry - be happy!"
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"Oh, I hadn't thought of that. That's a better idea."
0:02:15 > 0:02:18There's a line in that song, "Your landlord says your rent is late."
0:02:18 > 0:02:22"He may have to litigate. Don't worry!"
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That sounds a bit stressful to me, Bob.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28That sounds like the sort of thing, if it was happening to me,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I probably would worry a little bit, just in case there was a solution I could find.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35My lyrics would be, "Your landlord says your rent is late."
0:02:35 > 0:02:40"He may have to litigate. Perhaps it's time to consider a second source of income."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- LAUGHTER - "Certainly in the short term,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45but with a double-dip recession looming following cutbacks,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48you might want to think longer term. If you've got a spare room,
0:02:48 > 0:02:52take on a flat... mate," which still rhymes.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- LAUGHTER - Litigate, flatmate.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58There are some issues of rhythm and structure, but aren't there always, ladies?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00APPLAUSE
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Welcome to the old penis joke. That's all it is. Don't be ashamed.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06It's not advice, that, is it? And he used to stand and sing,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09and the idea is you go into Sainsbury's, all angry at the world
0:03:09 > 0:03:13cos you're stressed, and you think, "This man has got nothing."
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"He hasn't got a house or a job, and he's happier than me
0:03:16 > 0:03:18cos he's just decided to be," and you give him some money
0:03:18 > 0:03:22and you feel better about life. That's what you're meant to think.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It's not what I used to think. I couldn't help but think
0:03:25 > 0:03:28what he's really saying is, "My decision not to worry
0:03:28 > 0:03:31has led to me being unable to feed and house myself."
0:03:33 > 0:03:35"Would you, as a man who worries frequently,
0:03:35 > 0:03:40and not just about stuff that concerns you but the most trivial, banal shit you could imagine,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43give me some money to facilitate my future life choice?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:46You don't worry selfishly. Now I'm stressed about him.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49He's saying, "Can you worry for two? Because I'm not really bothered."
0:03:49 > 0:03:52AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:03:55 > 0:03:59We've got the best comedians from the best comedy festival
0:03:59 > 0:04:03in the world, so you're going to have an incredible night. You up for that?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07If you saw the show last year, you'll know how good this first act is.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Please give all your love. Welcome the wonderful Mr Josh Widdicombe!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Hello!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21You well? AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I'm not as good as that at answering questions.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I struggle with questions. The only question I know what to answer
0:04:27 > 0:04:31is when my computer crashes, and it comes back on and it goes,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Do you want to send a report?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35No!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER I'm not a grass!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43If I was going to grass up my computer, I wouldn't do it via my computer. He'll know!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I'll grass him up, he'll start grassing me up.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49He's got far more on me than I have on him, I can tell you.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55It's nice, Edinburgh. I enjoy it. I struggle with the city.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I grew up in a small village. This kind of thing didn't happen.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01The most exciting thing that happened was when I was seven.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05There was a field with a bull in it. And I was terrified of this bull.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08My dad would go, "Oh, don't worry about that."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"He's more scared of you than you are of him."
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I'd think, "No, I don't think he is."
0:05:13 > 0:05:17There's only one of us here with a 200-stone weight advantage and horns.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20The only way he's more scared of me than I am of him
0:05:20 > 0:05:23is if he has a phobia of wellington boots with eyes on the front.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I was terrified through my childhood. Bonfire Night terrified me,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33because the build-up to it was just warnings
0:05:33 > 0:05:37about the way it was going to go wrong. "Bonfire Night's coming up."
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"Careful you don't get burnt with a sparkler or a firework."
0:05:40 > 0:05:42On Blue Peter every year they had the same warning.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46It applied to no-one in Britain. "Bonfire Night's coming up,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48and if you do own a pet tortoise"...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:52What?!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"If you do own a pet tortoise and it's hibernating in a box,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59do be careful to not absentmindedly throw that box onto the fire."
0:05:59 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I don't know how unlikely that scenario is.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07First, I know no-one who owns a pet tortoise.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Secondly, how unruly is your Bonfire Night getting?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You're going, "Just chuck everything on, yeah."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"Guy Fawkes was a shit. Show him what I think of him."
0:06:16 > 0:06:19"Go and get my boxes. Don't look in 'em. Throw 'em on the fire."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"I don't care if the contents are snoring. Throw it on, I told you!"
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Two months later you're walking round your house, going, "Where the hell is Sheldon?"
0:06:28 > 0:06:31The only thing there wasn't a warning about was the toffee apple.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35They should have said, "If you are planning eating a toffee apple,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38do be aware that they are shit."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:06:40 > 0:06:42No-one actually likes toffee apples.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45No-one wants a food that gets worse the more you eat of it.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49You're tricking children into eating apples. It's like bobbing for apples.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I spent my year not wanting to eat an apple.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54You put that apple in water, put my hands behind my back,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I will drown myself to eat that apple.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00It's me or the apple. I couldn't give a shit. I'm waterboarding for apples.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I do not care. If you make something into a game,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05people want the prize, no matter what it is.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Like those 2p pushing machines you get at the pier.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I've spent my life trying to get rid of 2ps.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15You put them on a moving shelf, suddenly I'm going,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"I am having all those 2ps if it kills me."
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Not just those 2ps - I'm getting this pound coin changed into more 2ps,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25to get these 2ps.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I go for the one that's not just 2ps. It's got extra items balanced on top
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I want less! "That's not just 2ps, is it?"
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"That's a Shabba Ranks key fob!"
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER "I remember Shabba Ranks!"
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"I've got keys. I'm having it!"
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I won't see these machines in years. The moment I do, I'm an expert,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46going, "Oh, that one's not going to fall, is it? No."
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"That one's going to pay out big. That one's a 10p."
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"I'm going nowhere near that. I'm not made of money."
0:07:51 > 0:07:55No-one's ever been on the 10p pushing machine. It's not Monte Carlo.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER There's no guy on the screen
0:07:57 > 0:08:02going, "That guy's got a system. Get him out. He's two Tamagotchis up."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07The other one I go on is the dance simulator, with the four arrows,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and the arrows come up on the screen. You'll be stood for ages like this,
0:08:11 > 0:08:15going, "Well, I tell you what, I'm a better dancer than I thought!"
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You are not a better dancer than you thought.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22You do that in a nightclub, you are not a better dancer than you think.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"You like these moves, girls? Wait for the big one."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"There it is. Very nice indeed."
0:08:27 > 0:08:30APPLAUSE You have been lovely.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33My name is Josh Widdicombe. Cheers. Good night!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Thanks very much. Mr Josh Widdicombe!
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Next up... There are some comedians, they have a gift.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49When they come out, you hope they stay forever.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54This guy's one of them. You'll love him. Please welcome Neil Delamere!
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Hello! Hello. It's a pleasure to be here in Edinburgh
0:09:01 > 0:09:05because it's not London. And the last time, there was riots in London,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and this is why I like it. The last time there was riots in London,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11my auntie, who's 85, saw the footage,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14and the police were trying to kettle the students in,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17corralling them, like you're trying to keep steam in a kettle.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20My auntie knew it was something to do with kettles, or tea,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and she said to me, "Did you see what's happening in London?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"The police are tea-bagging students!"
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I said, "I'm pretty sure they're not, actually!"
0:09:33 > 0:09:35She goes, "They are! I saw it on Sky News!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:40And my brother said, "Maybe they are, and that's why, if you do an impression of an English bobby,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42you traditionally go, ''Ello, 'ello, 'ello!'"
0:09:42 > 0:09:46We had a little bit of civil unrest in Dublin recently as well.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Tiny bit when the Queen came over. 50 chavvy scumbags turned up
0:09:50 > 0:09:54to O'Connell Street and protested by releasing 1,000 black balloons.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Somebody clearly went, "Quick, the Queen's coming over! Blow something up!"
0:09:58 > 0:10:00AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
0:10:06 > 0:10:09So over the Queen flew, avoiding Ryanair, because...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12People slag off Ryanair. I'm not going to do that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"Oh, they fly to this destination," all that. What annoys me
0:10:15 > 0:10:18is that they use three different accents on their announcements.
0:10:18 > 0:10:24You land, it's that soft, Scottish, "Congratulations. You've arrived on yet another on-time Ryanair flight."
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Then there's the English one for the scratch cards,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30then a soft, female Southern Irish accent for the safety.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I understand that. It's comforting, like my mammy saying it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37"In the event of a sudden loss in cabin pressure,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39we'll probably be grand."
0:10:39 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"A cup of tea will fall from the panel above your head."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"To start the flow of tea, pull the teapot towards yourself."
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's kind of comforting. The Scottish for punctuality,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57the English for selling, and Southern Irish for the safety.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59They don't play Northern Irish that we know of.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I think if you crash, they play a Northern Irish accent,
0:11:02 > 0:11:06because that's not an accent to mess around with. You hit the water -
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Right! You've got two minutes to get out!"
0:11:08 > 0:11:12"Go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"Leave your bags! You're on a Ryanair flight."
0:11:14 > 0:11:18"Your clothes are probably shite anyway."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"Please find your nearest emergency exit."
0:11:28 > 0:11:32"I'll give you a clue. The sea is coming in it."
0:11:32 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:39"Remember, you can have more children, so pick your favourite one
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and save him! He's always wanted to swim with dolphins."
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"Now's his chance."
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"You can't find your favourite one, pick the ginger one."
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"It'll be easier for the helicopters to spot."
0:11:50 > 0:11:53AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"If he gets sunburnt, all the better!"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00And five hours later you get washed up on some random beach in France,
0:12:00 > 0:12:05and you hear, "Congratulations. You've arrived on yet another on-time Ryanair flight."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It's been a pleasure. Enjoy the rest of your night.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Good luck. Bye-bye.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Mr Neil Delamere!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26So, next up, if you haven't seen this act before,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29you're in for a treat. If you've seen them before,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32you are in for a treat. You're basically in for a treat.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34It's the Irish hip-hop sensation.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Please welcome to the stage Abandoman!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Hey! Yes!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Hello!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, how are we all?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49We are here with the Irish hip-hop crew.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54I know. I'm surprised too. We're going to try a little something.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57We're going to try and write the most beautiful musical we can
0:12:57 > 0:12:59in four minutes. We need a bit of help from you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Everybody in this room, take out the oddest thing you can find
0:13:03 > 0:13:06in your pockets, in your purses. Just take it out.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Oddest thing you can find, take it out. Every single person.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14We need a bit of a champion. I'm going to pick this man on the edge here.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- What's your name, sir?- Greg. - Greg! What do you do, Greg?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20If you work in a cafe called Greggs, I'll love you even more,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- but that's neither here or there. - Student.- What do you study?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Accountancy.- Legend! This is going to be already an awesome musical.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Greg, if you could do anything - if you met a genie today,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34what would you wish for? Something a bit esoteric.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Become a professional golfer. - A professional golfer.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Nothing to do with your studies. I like your style. You're a dreamer!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45We're going try and write a great musical about Greg's life.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48He studies accountancy. He wants to be a golfer.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Hold up those items. If we touch them,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53we're going to use them as inspiration
0:13:53 > 0:13:55for a line in Gregg's musical. I'll play Greg.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59It's complicated, but it's how Lloyd Webber wrote Cats.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Every single person, hold whatever you've got in the air.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I will become Greg. Hold them on up.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Anything that we touch has to go in a rhyme.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11This is the ballad of Mr Greg! CHEERING
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# Oh, yeah, he likes to count
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# Money in large amounts
0:14:15 > 0:14:17# Oh, yeah, he's the best
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# So give it up for your boy Greg...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22# OK, this is my show, now blow the whistle
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- # As a child, all I did was count - # Skittles
0:14:25 > 0:14:27# That's right, you know, I did it insane, yo
0:14:27 > 0:14:30# And then count all the numbers in the rainbow
0:14:30 > 0:14:32# Don't you know, I was like a joker
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# Count all day, energy from a Coca-Cola
0:14:35 > 0:14:37# That's how I did it, I did it with ease
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# I broke into a math superstore with these keys
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Yes, you know, when I was just a young fella
0:14:42 > 0:14:45# I wanted to be Rihanna with this umbrella
0:14:45 > 0:14:47# But I decided, yes, no doubt you see
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# That I could do better and do some accountancy
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# Don't you know, my life was swell
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# Everything I'd do was to look at Excel
0:14:54 > 0:14:57# That's right, you know, I'm saying, my friend
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# I just sat with math, paper and a pen
0:14:59 > 0:15:02# Yeah, I do that, doing that proper
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# People said to me that you should be a golfer
0:15:04 > 0:15:07# I said, "Golfer? I've got much love"
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# "In fact, look at this, I've got a golf glove"
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# People said to me, up in the house
0:15:11 > 0:15:14# "That is one hand from Mickey Mouse"
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# I looking at them, like, boom, they so silly
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# Slap them with the house, with the hand of the mouse of Disney
0:15:19 > 0:15:21# Yes, sir, then we runnin' over here
0:15:21 > 0:15:24# Person down there, I'm saying don't let it disappear
0:15:24 > 0:15:26# Said to myself, "Honestly, promise me"
0:15:26 > 0:15:29# "Do not be a golfer, that's laughable, comedy"
0:15:29 > 0:15:31# So I decided that I'd be good
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# Forgetting the life of the Tiger Woods
0:15:34 > 0:15:36# I said, don't you know, I did something drastic
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# I went to a Shakespearean play named Hamlet
0:15:39 > 0:15:41# I decided, yes, man, I'm a hero
0:15:41 > 0:15:42# I could be Hamlet
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# That way I'd no fear, yo, decide that right now
0:15:45 > 0:15:49# It would be swell for me to dedicate my life to Excel
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# I said, don't you understand, I could be the best
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# Respect the name because the name is Greg
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# Every single day I'm oh, so happy
0:15:56 > 0:15:58# I'll be a golfer, an accountant for a cafe
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# That's right, you know I've got to stroll
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Straight into Greggs to account the sausage rolls
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# Ladies and gentlemen, you know he's the best
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# Stand up, take a bow, this is Mr Greg
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# Ladies and gentlemen, people, you're beautiful
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# This is Greg, and this is his musical
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# Ladies and gentlemen, it's a random jam
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# Much love from the boys, Abandoman #
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Thank you very much! AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Ladies and gents, give it up for Abandoman!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:39 > 0:16:41# And now a little bit of admin...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Can't really rap in a northern accent.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48"Yeah, I'll pop a cap on yer 'ead." "It's..."
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"It's very cold outside. We'll go to the Dog
0:16:50 > 0:16:54and have a nice Sunday lunch... bitches!"
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- LAUGHTER - There we go.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Showcasing skills.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Next up tonight, easily one of the most naturally brilliant comics
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I've ever worked with. Please welcome the wonderful Seann Walsh!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Thank you! Hello, Edinburgh!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Hello!- It's good to be here. Nice to be at the festival.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23Lot of drinking. The Royal Mile, there's a lot of drinking there.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I saw a bloke... You know those people that expect money
0:17:26 > 0:17:31for standing still? I saw a bloke so drunk,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34he put down a pound. He went, "Good luck to you, man."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37"Good luck. Keep up the good work. Good luck."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40It was an actual statue.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I've been trying to look after myself this festival.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I've not taken it too far. I've not started going to the gym.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53My friends have been. Everyone's going to the gym now.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58All these new gyms. Every new building seems to be a gym, made of glass!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01So you have to look in and see people working out,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03and feel shit about your own body.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07You look up... There's blokes on the cross-trainer.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10There is nothing that makes you look like a bigger dick
0:18:10 > 0:18:12than the cross-trainer, is there?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Looking up and seeing 12 blokes in a row, just going...
0:18:15 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:22What are you doing? Your body doesn't need to do that, does it?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I've never been walking down the high street,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27seen a bloke going, "Oh, God, I'm late."
0:18:27 > 0:18:30"Out the way! Out the way!"
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I can't stand all these blokes that take their top off on a sunny day.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Every bloke that doesn't have a good body looks at that guy,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42goes, "He's a prick." LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:47You very quickly realise that, when a man says, "He's a prick,"
0:18:47 > 0:18:50what he actually means is, "I wish I was him."
0:18:51 > 0:18:56I do that when I see a bloke on a bicycle, cycling with no hands.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59You know that guy?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:06You're going, "Please die. Please crash. Please die."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Just once, I'd love to see that guy go, whoo...
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Just so you could go, "You all right, mate? Do you need a hand?"
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"Should've used yours earlier."
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Blokes take their top off... In my local pub, guys go up to girls,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24go, "Feel that. Look at that. Feel that. Look at that."
0:19:24 > 0:19:27That's a lot of confidence. "Look at that. Feel that."
0:19:27 > 0:19:30The only time I say that about my body
0:19:30 > 0:19:32is when I've woken up hung over,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35can't remember what's happened the night before,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and I've found a bruise.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41You've got to point out when you've got a bruise. You have to do it.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You can't keep that to yourself. "Look at that! How'd that happen?"
0:19:44 > 0:19:48"Look, I've got a bruise. Look." When they do look, "Feel it."
0:19:48 > 0:19:52"Go on, feel it. Ow! See, it's definitely a bruise."
0:19:52 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:56You've got to tell people. We do it with hiccups, as well.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You do the hiccup, then you tell them.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02HE HICCUPS "Oh, I got hiccups." "I know!"
0:20:02 > 0:20:04THEY LAUGH
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Maybe I should do more exercising. I'm too lazy.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10The closest I get to exercising is...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12trying to keep up the window in my living room.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15The sash window, the one that never stays up.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18HE MAKES GRINDING, CLUNKING SOUNDS
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I should go and get the cardboard first, but I can't be bothered.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27It's like when you're trying to put the SCART lead in the back of the TV.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30First ten minutes, you always try and do it without looking.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:38This has never worked before, but please, just the once...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I can't be bothered to move the television. Please!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Seann Walsh. Have a good night!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Seann Walsh!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Next act, that super-smart, super-funny...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59He's only right over there. Make some noise
0:20:59 > 0:21:01for the wonderful Mark Watson!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Hello!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12All right. I don't tend to make the most exciting first impression
0:21:12 > 0:21:16on an audience. I wish I could come out and be more like a rock star,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19but I'm a bit sort of scrawny looking, pathetic, thin...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I'm so thin, it's unbelievable. People look at me
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and imagine I don't eat. "Oh, have you had dinner?"
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Which is in fact bullshit. If someone said to me,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29"You have to either give up food or give up sex,"
0:21:29 > 0:21:33I'd say, "No, I don't," and that would be the end of it, I think, pretty much.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38You know? LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I have got a wife! People imagine that I haven't,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43but I have, despite the natural disadvantage
0:21:43 > 0:21:47of my skeletal appearance. But it's just my metabolism.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50People imagine that I'm sort of starving myself.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I just metabolise incredibly quickly.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56By the time you've asked for the bill, I've shat it, basically.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59In that sort of situation I'm absolutely ruthless.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02They don't even know I've been there half the time.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06I am not only married, but I'm a dad! Can you believe it?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I've got a baby. You never get used to it. I'm a dad!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Just saying it now, "I'm a dad" - it feels wrong, you know?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I mean, dads are like a different species.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17You look around here - I can see people that are clearly dads,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21and they're lovely, but they're not how you'd like to see yourself.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24They wear dad clothes, listen to dad music.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27On the way here they had, maybe, the Eagles on, you know...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30They make dad noises. I'm 31.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I've started making dad noises. I've started picking things up
0:22:33 > 0:22:37and going, "Hup!", for example! It's not that heavy an object.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Recently I caught myself getting into a hot bath
0:22:40 > 0:22:43and sort of going, "Ai-ai-ahhhh..."
0:22:43 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER And as I was doing it,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I thought, "This is not one of my noises. This is a dad noise."
0:22:48 > 0:22:51My God! It's a slippery slope. What'll it be next?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Soon I'll be saying, "Any more for any more?" at the end of a meal.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57My father-in-law... I shouldn't really tell you this,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00but we're a long way... We're in Edinburgh. He lives in Essex.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03My father-in-law - James Howes, in case you do meet him -
0:23:03 > 0:23:06he, um... They live in... They're in Essex.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10When he sneezes, you would swear he was shouting the word Hiroshima.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12It's amazing. "Hiroshima!"
0:23:12 > 0:23:15There's no even attempt at a sneeze. It's just one yell.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"Hiroshima!" So people that don't know him,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20it scares the shit out of people! "Hiroshima!"
0:23:20 > 0:23:24You can see people thinking, "Did that man just shout Hiroshima?"
0:23:24 > 0:23:27"Is he having World War II flashbacks to a time well before he was born?"
0:23:27 > 0:23:31The first time I ever stayed at my future wife's house...
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I didn't know her at all. I'd barely been going out with her for...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I'd never met my future father-in-law.
0:23:36 > 0:23:42I was woken up at two in the morning by what appeared to be my future father-in-law going, "Hiroshima!"
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I thought, "Is it some sort of test of suitability?"
0:23:44 > 0:23:49"You can't have my daughter unless you win this battle of wits." I nearly went in in my pyjamas -
0:23:49 > 0:23:53"Nagasaki!", like we were playing some atomic-war-based Mallet's Mallet.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56A few blank faces. Mallet's Mallet - a long time ago.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00No time to explain now. My time's up. I got to go! My name's Mark Watson.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Mr Mark Watson!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Next up we've got... He's won pretty much every award in comedy.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17He's one of the biggest names of the festival now, deservedly so.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Please welcome Mr Russell Kane! - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:24:27 > 0:24:31How are you? All right? AUDIENCE SHOUTS "YES"
0:24:31 > 0:24:33This is the first festival I've done as a single man.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Newly single! Give me a cheer. AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:24:36 > 0:24:40"You really going to talk about being single?" I've never been single in my life!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I'm a serial monogamist, one of those weak people
0:24:43 > 0:24:45that go from one relationship to the next
0:24:45 > 0:24:48because I didn't get enough love from Daddy when I was growing up,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51so I rush from one relationship to the other -
0:24:51 > 0:24:55"I'll never recover from Carol... Wait! You've shown me some rudimentary kindness."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"Let's move in straight away. Hooray!"
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Over and over again. And the other thing - why was there no warning
0:25:01 > 0:25:05about how horrific it is to be a single man?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Lots of nonsense is talked about how great it is to be a single guy,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11out on the pull, doing what you like when you like
0:25:11 > 0:25:14into whichever sock you like, on your own,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18and... "I still love her! I still love Carrie."
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Right? That's the reality.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25And a lot of girls moan about it. "It's worse to be a single woman."
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"How dare you say that? You think you're on the shelf
0:25:27 > 0:25:32and you're only 25. Men look at you when you're not even looking for male attention."
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"What, you think because I put a short skirt on..."
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"I'm post-feminist. I wear what I like now."
0:25:37 > 0:25:40"I'm not asking for that. It's so hard to be a woman." Fair enough!
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Fair enough, ladies. But have you ever stopped for a second
0:25:45 > 0:25:47to think what it's like to be on the other team?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51To be one of those desperate, rapey gits on the dance floor
0:25:51 > 0:25:54with his eyes scouring... "Please, someone weak enough
0:25:54 > 0:25:57to come home with me... That one's got a limp! Chase her!"
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"Wait, Carol! Please wait!"
0:26:00 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:04RUSSELL CHUCKLES
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And there's, er... You know, the lowest...
0:26:09 > 0:26:14This is on telly, so I'm a bit worried about doing this next bit.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I'm in the flow now, and I'm so post-modern I don't care. I've not planned anything.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21How "Edinburgh" is that intellectual lip?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24So smug, the things at the festival without punch lines!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27It was amazing.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Do you know the lowest moment of my year?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Some of you are thinking, "After every gig, all the girls are..."
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Do you know why I never pull at any gig?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Because I can't resist revealing this,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42to show how weak the male brain can really be.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46I found myself doing the most odious thing. Didn't sleep with anyone,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50but trotting down from the stage to survey people that had been in my show,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53hunting for girls with low self-esteem.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56What a depressing moment in a man's life,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58when you realise you can only be aroused
0:26:58 > 0:27:01by a girl with no confidence! "You're not too confident, are you?"
0:27:01 > 0:27:04"Want to go out for a Pizza Express?"
0:27:04 > 0:27:06In fact, in this lovely large theatre,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10if any girls with low self-esteem could just arrange yourselves by the bins,
0:27:10 > 0:27:14that would be... "I've got no confidence since Andrew left me."
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"I hate the way I look. I hate my body." "Get in the van! You'll do.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Good night!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It's Mr Russell Kane!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34The next act - he's an amazing man, amazing comic.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Welcome to the stage the wonderful Mr David O'Doherty!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Uh-oh! Somebody's got the party machine.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Uh-oh! Does anyone have the time? It's party time.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Let's do it. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02My name is David O'Doherty.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07My mother was Shannen Doherty from Beverly Hills 90210.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER My father is Pete Doherty,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11the drug addict.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Right. Let's take it down. HE PLAYS DRAMATIC RIFF
0:28:17 > 0:28:19World,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22on this very broadcast last year,
0:28:22 > 0:28:27I told you to stop messing with me. I said you could mess with me once,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30and you might get away with it. Mess with me twice,
0:28:30 > 0:28:34and chances are, I still probably won't remember.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38But mess with me numerous times across a concerted period
0:28:38 > 0:28:41in a similar way, and think you're going to get away with it?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Well, you're wrong, because I'm going to lampoon you
0:28:44 > 0:28:47through a comedy song...song...song.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55# I'm talking about My Beefs, Two-Zero-One-One
0:28:55 > 0:28:57# Things I want to shoot with my fury gun...
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Pow! # My Beefs, 2011
0:29:00 > 0:29:03# Things that make me go "aaagh"
0:29:03 > 0:29:05# Beauticians
0:29:05 > 0:29:08# Stop dressing up a nurses
0:29:08 > 0:29:10# You are not nurses
0:29:10 > 0:29:12# You are the opposite of nurses...
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Especially when I have a bicycle accident close to you
0:29:15 > 0:29:18and you offer no assistance whatsoever,
0:29:18 > 0:29:21and blood is streaming from my face. Thank you, beauticians!
0:29:21 > 0:29:24# Boots the Chemist
0:29:24 > 0:29:27# Could your "ladies, get ready for summer" campaign
0:29:27 > 0:29:29# Be any more evil?
0:29:29 > 0:29:34Ladies, it's the summer. Better stop eating and paint yourselves orange.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39Soon Boots are going to run out of ways of making ladies feel insecure.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41They're going to have to make up new ones.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44"Ladies, when you do that, is your wrist slightly wrinkly there?"
0:29:44 > 0:29:46"Urrgh!"
0:29:46 > 0:29:50"Men hate that. We asked them, and they said they hate it."
0:29:50 > 0:29:55"Luckily we are launching Boots' new wrist-emulsifying cream."
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Get lost! LAUGHTER
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Travelodge hotels!
0:29:59 > 0:30:02If Travelodge were to have a corporate logo,
0:30:02 > 0:30:05it should be a lonely businessman crying as he wanks.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08AUDIENCE LAUGHS It's just the fact that you go in,
0:30:08 > 0:30:13and on your bed there's just a towel and a teabag and a Bible.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16MacGyver could not create joy from those three elements!
0:30:16 > 0:30:19If you read the Travelodge Bible, at the end of it,
0:30:19 > 0:30:24Jesus wouldn't even come back. He'd be, like, "Forget this. I'm going to the Holiday Inn."
0:30:24 > 0:30:27"You sometimes get a pool there."
0:30:27 > 0:30:32I am not Chris O'Dowd! Chris O'Dowd is an Irish actor
0:30:32 > 0:30:35who's in the film Bridesmaids and The IT Crowd.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38At this point in my life, three times a day people come up to me
0:30:38 > 0:30:40and go, "Oh, I saw you in..." No, you didn't!
0:30:40 > 0:30:43The only similarity is, I am O'Doherty,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46and he's O'... It's like an O, apostrophe, and a D,
0:30:46 > 0:30:50and a vague Irishness. That does not make us the same person!
0:30:50 > 0:30:54I am not Daniel O'Donnell either! LAUGHTER
0:30:54 > 0:30:58Finally - my friends, actual grown-ups -
0:30:58 > 0:31:02stop taking computer games so seriously.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07I have a friend who plays Guitar Hero, the game.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10It's not the fact that he plays it and he is an adult.
0:31:10 > 0:31:16It's the fact that he sometimes answers the front door in just his underpants and a T-shirt
0:31:16 > 0:31:20with a tiny, stupid, plastic children's guitar around his neck,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23and he goes, "Do you want to come in? I'm just jammin'."
0:31:23 > 0:31:27You're not jamming! Bob Marley did jamming.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30It just makes me so sad. I think, looking at him,
0:31:30 > 0:31:34just the idea of dedicating that much of your life
0:31:34 > 0:31:37to attaining this pointless expertise
0:31:37 > 0:31:43in what amounts to a stupid, plastic, children's toy musical instrument...
0:31:43 > 0:31:46HE CONTINUES TO PLAY
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Sort it out, world! If you don't, then you risk
0:31:50 > 0:31:53being part of My Beefs 2011.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55HE PLAYS FRENETIC EXTRO
0:31:56 > 0:31:59AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:32:04 > 0:32:07That's Mr David O'Doherty!
0:32:10 > 0:32:14Next up, one of the most unique comedy brains on the circuit, for my money.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Please give it up for the wonderful Andrew Lawrence!
0:32:17 > 0:32:20AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:32:22 > 0:32:26Ah, thank you very much! Lovely warm welcome.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30Nice to be here. Well done to you people for sitting down the front.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34That takes a certain sort of bravery. I don't know what I'm going to say to you.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38You don't know what you're going to say to me. It's difficult, talking.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42When I was growing up, my parents used to say, "Don't talk to any creepy-looking men."
0:32:42 > 0:32:46The irony now, of course, is I'm a creepy-looking man,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48and children aren't allowed to talk to me!
0:32:48 > 0:32:53This afternoon I saw a small boy bouncing a ball in his front garden.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55He looked up at me. He smiled. He said,
0:32:55 > 0:32:57"Hello!" Part of me was touched.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Another part of me thought, "How impertinent,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03for a small boy to address an adult in that way."
0:33:03 > 0:33:06I said, "Throw me the ball!" He did. I kicked it as high as I could
0:33:06 > 0:33:11across the road, into a skip. He said, "My ball! Why did you do that?"
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I said, "Because life is hard, my little friend."
0:33:14 > 0:33:16"Consider that lesson number one."
0:33:16 > 0:33:19And his mother came running out the house screaming,
0:33:19 > 0:33:23"What the hell are you doing here? You're only supposed to see him on weekends."
0:33:23 > 0:33:26AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:33:30 > 0:33:33It's nice to be in Scotland. All the Scottish people, give me a cheer.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:33:35 > 0:33:39I like it, especially compared to some other Third World countries.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42LAUGHTER I think it compares very favourably.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44I got the train up. I love the trains.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47When I was a kid I used to have a model train set.
0:33:47 > 0:33:52I used to pretend I was a train driver, making those smug, sarcastic announcements,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55like, "Please move right down inside the carriage."
0:33:55 > 0:34:01"Please move right down inside the carriage, to allow other people to invade your personal space."
0:34:01 > 0:34:04"Please line up against all the windows and doors
0:34:04 > 0:34:08to allow your physical boundaries to be encroached upon
0:34:08 > 0:34:11till you're inadvertently dry-humping a stranger."
0:34:11 > 0:34:15"Please do eat some stinky, disgusting food with your mouth open,
0:34:15 > 0:34:19drop half of it on the floor to sit there rotting for the rest of the week."
0:34:19 > 0:34:22"Please do swing a large, bulky bag over your shoulder,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25smack everyone in the face with it as you leave the train."
0:34:25 > 0:34:29"Please do block the aisle with pushchairs full of screaming, ugly, dirty children
0:34:29 > 0:34:32who should've been abandoned at birth."
0:34:32 > 0:34:36"Please do be entirely unable to operate our automated toilet door
0:34:36 > 0:34:39and have it swing back as a parade of schoolchildren walk past
0:34:39 > 0:34:43to reveal you hideously mid-crap with all your bits and pieces hanging out
0:34:43 > 0:34:48like a farmyard animal. Welcome to ScotRail. We'll, er..."
0:34:48 > 0:34:50"We'll take you where you need to go."
0:34:50 > 0:34:52APPLAUSE
0:34:55 > 0:34:58I got a train. I got a train up this year,
0:34:58 > 0:35:02and it's packed. And a lady got on. I thought she was pregnant.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06There were no free seats. I got up. I said, "Would you like my seat?"
0:35:06 > 0:35:08She said, "I'm not pregnant, actually."
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Awkward, isn't it? I said, "What difference does that make?"
0:35:11 > 0:35:16"I know lots of people who aren't pregnant and they like a nice sit-down, especially the fat ones."
0:35:16 > 0:35:18LAUGHTER
0:35:20 > 0:35:23It's easily done. It's so easy to say the wrong thing.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I was at a late-night gig on Saturday,
0:35:25 > 0:35:29one of these late-night Edinburgh Festival gigs. I was on first,
0:35:29 > 0:35:31and then I went to the back to watch other comedians.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35I was walking back to the green room. A lady from the crowd grabbed me,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38asked me to get one of the comedians for her.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42I said to the comedian, "There's a lady out there wants to talk to you."
0:35:42 > 0:35:45He said, "Oh, yeah? Scale of one to ten, how attractive is she?"
0:35:45 > 0:35:48I said, "I don't want to put a number on it. That's a bit crass,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51but if I had to, I'd probably say no more than a three."
0:35:51 > 0:35:54He said, "Oh, all right, then." He went out to talk to her -
0:35:54 > 0:35:58turns out it's his wife. That's embarrassing, isn't it?
0:35:58 > 0:36:02Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a privilege. Thank you very much. Good night.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04CHEERING
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Mr Andrew Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen!
0:36:12 > 0:36:16Welcome to the stage the next act, the wonderful Mr Ron Vaudry!
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Thank you very much. Good evening. How are you?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30AUDIENCE CHEERS This is pleasant.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34Can we get this light a little brighter, if it's at all possible?
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I can almost see my dead parents beckoning me in this one.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:36:39 > 0:36:42That's a light for if you're late for school. That's an angry light.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48Some of you weren't laughing. Let me explain for you briefly.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Laughter is a good thing, OK? That's my only message.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54It's my only intent. It's a very powerful thing, laughter,
0:36:54 > 0:36:56a very physical thing. Every time you laugh,
0:36:56 > 0:36:59your brain emits chemicals - positive chemicals,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02dopamines, endorphins that stimulate your immune system
0:37:02 > 0:37:07and possibly can kill a cancer cell. Yeah!
0:37:07 > 0:37:11So my way of looking at it's got to be, if you'd rather have cancer
0:37:11 > 0:37:14than laugh at my silly jokes at my dead parents,
0:37:14 > 0:37:17what kind of miserable bastard are you?
0:37:17 > 0:37:19THEY LAUGH
0:37:19 > 0:37:21I like living here amongst you people.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25I've been living here in Britain for a little over seven years now,
0:37:25 > 0:37:28which means I've experienced seven British summers.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30And, Christ, they are special. LAUGHTER
0:37:31 > 0:37:35You should be very proud of these little Kodak moments you call summer over here.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38You guys are a much hardier lot than you let on.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41I have so much respect for you people. Ten months in a row
0:37:41 > 0:37:43of grey and drizzle every goddamn day -
0:37:43 > 0:37:45I'd wanna stick a gun in my mouth.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49There's not a drop of vitamin D on this entire island, is there?
0:37:49 > 0:37:53How'd the Germans even find you freaks in the first place? That's my question.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56They are some lucky-guessing Nazis, they are.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00I like everything about you guys. I love your TV.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Your TV is awesome here. It cracks me up every day.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06ITV news in the morning - they read you the newspapers,
0:38:06 > 0:38:09the lazy bastards. What the hell is that?
0:38:09 > 0:38:15It's supposed to be TV. And why do you make your deaf people stay up so late just to watch TV?
0:38:15 > 0:38:17What's that all about?
0:38:17 > 0:38:20LAUGHTER
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Kind of rude, when you think about it, isn't it?
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Anybody else miss the Richard And Judy Show?
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Those were lovely afternoons, pondering,
0:38:29 > 0:38:33"What kind of bizarre Dorian Gray deal with the devil did this bastard make, huh?"
0:38:33 > 0:38:36He was on the show with his lovely wife, then his grandmother.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38How the hell did that happen?
0:38:38 > 0:38:40LAUGHTER
0:38:40 > 0:38:43"Holy Christ, she got older during the advert!"
0:38:44 > 0:38:48There'll just be a pile of dust in the chair as the credits roll by in the end.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"Judy's got to go now." HE BLOWS
0:38:51 > 0:38:54LAUGHTER
0:38:56 > 0:39:01You guys have been awesome. Thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Mr Ron Vaudry!
0:39:11 > 0:39:15We're about to introduce a man, when I first came to Edinburgh,
0:39:15 > 0:39:18his was one of the first shows I saw. It's still one of the best.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20It's an honour to introduce Mr Jimeoin!
0:39:20 > 0:39:23AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:39:34 > 0:39:36HE PLAYS MONOTONOUS ROCK RIFF
0:39:45 > 0:39:48HE CONTINUES TO PLAY Thank you.
0:39:48 > 0:39:49AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:39:49 > 0:39:52That was called That's That One.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56This one's called This Is This One.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01HE PLAYS SAME MONOTONOUS RIFF
0:40:02 > 0:40:05No, I'm joking. That's That One again.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08THEY LAUGH
0:40:09 > 0:40:11This is this one.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14This one's called That's Not It, Is It?
0:40:14 > 0:40:16LAUGHTER
0:40:17 > 0:40:20# There is... That's not it.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Is it?
0:40:27 > 0:40:29That is it.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:40:32 > 0:40:34There are no songs.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38I just strum a bit, and people feel like they've had a song.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40HE LAUGHS
0:40:40 > 0:40:43HE PLAYS MELODIC INTRO
0:40:43 > 0:40:45This song's about my kitchen.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56# In my kitchen, there's a drawer at the top
0:40:59 > 0:41:01# It's got cutlery, knives, forks
0:41:01 > 0:41:03# Spoons, the lot
0:41:05 > 0:41:08# Second drawer down's got a big knife and an egg whip
0:41:11 > 0:41:14# And things that should go in the first drawer
0:41:15 > 0:41:17# They just don't fit
0:41:17 > 0:41:19LAUGHTER
0:41:19 > 0:41:21# And the third drawer from the top
0:41:21 > 0:41:23# It's just
0:41:23 > 0:41:26# Full of shit
0:41:26 > 0:41:28THEY LAUGH
0:41:28 > 0:41:30HE PLAYS MELODY
0:41:36 > 0:41:39# There's elastic bands and cigarette papers
0:41:39 > 0:41:41# That won't stick
0:41:42 > 0:41:45# Dried-up glue, false teeth
0:41:46 > 0:41:49# Something stolen from a hotel
0:41:49 > 0:41:51# Things that are broken
0:41:51 > 0:41:54# That you know you'll never fix
0:41:55 > 0:41:57# But you put them in the third drawer
0:41:57 > 0:42:00# Cos you just ain't got the heart
0:42:00 > 0:42:01# To throw them away
0:42:03 > 0:42:05# It's the third drawer from the top
0:42:06 > 0:42:09# It's full of shit
0:42:12 > 0:42:14# And there's tons of it
0:42:15 > 0:42:18# And it rhymes with "shit"
0:42:18 > 0:42:20AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:42:20 > 0:42:24# There's Blu-Tack and sellotape
0:42:24 > 0:42:26# That's been hit by a truck
0:42:28 > 0:42:30# One chopstick
0:42:31 > 0:42:33# An ashtray from Canada
0:42:34 > 0:42:37# Paid bills and envelopes
0:42:39 > 0:42:42# Things that you think will come in handy
0:42:44 > 0:42:46# They just never do
0:42:48 > 0:42:50# It's the third drawer from the top
0:42:51 > 0:42:54# It's full of shit
0:43:04 > 0:43:06# And the fourth drawer
0:43:07 > 0:43:09# From the top
0:43:09 > 0:43:12# It's got plastic bags in it
0:43:12 > 0:43:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:43:22 > 0:43:24# And that's it #
0:43:24 > 0:43:27LAUGHTER Thank you very much. Thank you!
0:43:27 > 0:43:30I'm Jimeoin. Thank you. Good night.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Mr Jimeoin!
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Welcome to the stage the next act, an amazing comic,
0:43:41 > 0:43:45easily one of the coolest as well. Please give everything you can.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47It's the wonderful Mr Tom Stade!
0:43:50 > 0:43:52APPLAUSE
0:43:52 > 0:43:54Well!
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Well, good evening! All right.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02I was just, er... I was just over in Afghanistan.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05Are any of my Afghani brothers here?
0:44:05 > 0:44:07No!
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Cos they're not allowed to come over here!
0:44:10 > 0:44:14You got to join the army to go to Afghanistan.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17You can't take an easyJet flight over there.
0:44:17 > 0:44:21I want to see Afghanistan on one of them holiday programmes
0:44:21 > 0:44:24like A Place In The Sun.
0:44:24 > 0:44:28I want to see... I want to see little Amanda sitting there, going,
0:44:28 > 0:44:32"Hi! I'm Amanda, and we're here in sunny, war-torn Afghanistan
0:44:32 > 0:44:35with Bob and Margaret, who are thinking about relocating."
0:44:35 > 0:44:37LAUGHTER
0:44:38 > 0:44:41"And they have £5 to spend"...
0:44:41 > 0:44:43LAUGHTER
0:44:43 > 0:44:46.."on a beautiful mud hut."
0:44:47 > 0:44:51"This next hut I'm going to show you, it's a little out of your budget."
0:44:51 > 0:44:53"It's £9."
0:44:54 > 0:44:57"But it does come with an opium field."
0:44:58 > 0:45:03"Is that something you'd be interested in, Bob? Gardening?" "Ooh, I love gardening."
0:45:03 > 0:45:07LAUGHTER We're out there fighting terrorism.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10I can't believe it. Terrorism!
0:45:10 > 0:45:13Why? Terrorism is winning!
0:45:13 > 0:45:15Not out there, but in here,
0:45:15 > 0:45:20because we are scared of stuff we were never scared of before.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23Stuff like unattended luggage!
0:45:23 > 0:45:25LAUGHTER
0:45:26 > 0:45:2915 years ago, if you saw unattended luggage,
0:45:29 > 0:45:32you'd be excited!
0:45:32 > 0:45:35LAUGHTER You'd take it!
0:45:36 > 0:45:4015 years ago, didn't even matter who left their luggage.
0:45:40 > 0:45:4315 years ago, you would've been, like, "Oh, my God!"
0:45:43 > 0:45:46"That woman...
0:45:46 > 0:45:48in a burqa...
0:45:49 > 0:45:51..and a beard...
0:45:51 > 0:45:53LAUGHTER
0:45:53 > 0:45:56..just left her luggage."
0:45:56 > 0:45:58"Well, all right!"
0:46:00 > 0:46:02"I got some luggage...
0:46:02 > 0:46:05from Northern Pakistan!"
0:46:05 > 0:46:0915 years ago, you wouldn't think there was a bomb in there.
0:46:09 > 0:46:1215 years ago, you would've went, "Pakistan?"
0:46:12 > 0:46:14"Maybe it's got spices!"
0:46:14 > 0:46:16LAUGHTER
0:46:16 > 0:46:19There'd be a guy on the train going,
0:46:19 > 0:46:21"Goddamn, I left my spice bag behind!"
0:46:22 > 0:46:25"Now my food's going to be bland."
0:46:25 > 0:46:27LAUGHTER
0:46:29 > 0:46:31"How am I going to get my rice yellow?"
0:46:31 > 0:46:33LAUGHTER
0:46:33 > 0:46:37HE LAUGHS Kids'll be all disappointed.
0:46:37 > 0:46:39"Dad, did you bring the spice bag home?"
0:46:39 > 0:46:42"No, son. I left the spice bag at Paddington."
0:46:42 > 0:46:45"So I guess we're not having fajitas, then?"
0:46:45 > 0:46:47LAUGHTER
0:46:47 > 0:46:52See, everybody thought it'd be curry, but it was actually Mexican night.
0:46:53 > 0:46:58Unattended luggage, though - I am using that fear to my advantage.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00Now when I fly,
0:47:00 > 0:47:04I don't care how many kilograms I put in my luggage.
0:47:04 > 0:47:07I don't care. If that piece of paper says 20 kilograms,
0:47:07 > 0:47:11I'm putting 28. And I will bring that luggage,
0:47:11 > 0:47:14and I will bring it to the airport, and I will put it on the scale
0:47:14 > 0:47:16in front of that easyJet whore...
0:47:16 > 0:47:19LAUGHTER She's going to look at me in disgust.
0:47:19 > 0:47:23She's going to go, "You knew it was only 20 kilograms,
0:47:23 > 0:47:25and you put 28 kilograms in there."
0:47:25 > 0:47:28"That'll be 17 hundred thousand extra pounds."
0:47:29 > 0:47:32And I will go, "Screw you!" And I will take my luggage,
0:47:32 > 0:47:35and I will walk over here, and I will leave it there,
0:47:35 > 0:47:39unattended! Then I'm going to walk back to her and go,
0:47:39 > 0:47:42"How much is that going to cost you,
0:47:42 > 0:47:45to shut down this goddamn airport?"
0:47:45 > 0:47:47"Screw you!"
0:47:47 > 0:47:50Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53It's been a real pleasure joining the show.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Have a happy night. HE LAUGHS
0:47:56 > 0:48:00- Thanks, Jon.- Mr Tom Stade!
0:48:00 > 0:48:02THEY CHEER
0:48:03 > 0:48:07It's time to welcome to the stage an absolute comedy superstar.
0:48:07 > 0:48:12I don't need to say anything other than, please give all your love for the wonderful Mr Ed Byrne!
0:48:12 > 0:48:14AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:48:21 > 0:48:24Ladies and gentlemen, there's a thing I've been noticing lately,
0:48:24 > 0:48:27which is children in age-inappropriate clothing.
0:48:27 > 0:48:31I don't mean like a four year old in a pinstriped suit and a bowler hat,
0:48:31 > 0:48:34because that would be adorable.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38Last time I was here, I told you I saw this little girl at an airport.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41She was about 12, 11 years old, wearing a tracksuit
0:48:41 > 0:48:44with the word "gorgeous" written across the arse of it,
0:48:44 > 0:48:47and I thought that was inappropriate because she was a minger.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50And since then there was that documentary,
0:48:50 > 0:48:53Stop Pimping Our Kids, and there was this whole thing about it.
0:48:53 > 0:48:56But it's not just little girls dressing like sluts
0:48:56 > 0:49:00that are the issue, or the Fisher-Pricetitutes, as I like to call them.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03It's not just them. I saw a little boy recently -
0:49:03 > 0:49:06let's say he was 13 - wearing a T-shirt with a quote,
0:49:06 > 0:49:10I believe from 50 Cent... One of the hippity-hoppity fellas, anyway.
0:49:10 > 0:49:14And this T-shirt that this 13-year-old boy was wearing in public
0:49:14 > 0:49:19said "I love pussy like a fat girl love cake."
0:49:19 > 0:49:21LAUGHTER
0:49:21 > 0:49:25Now, this offends me in so many ways
0:49:25 > 0:49:29that I would like to tell you about all of them.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31Now, point one.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34Point one, it's quite bad grammar.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36LAUGHTER
0:49:37 > 0:49:41It's "like a fat girl LOVES cake", or "like fat GIRLS love cake".
0:49:41 > 0:49:44It's not "like a fat girl love cake". Get it right. Come on.
0:49:44 > 0:49:47That's a minor point. It really should have been spotted
0:49:47 > 0:49:49at the screen-printing process.
0:49:49 > 0:49:53Point number two, I don't like the implication that fat girls are greedy,
0:49:53 > 0:49:56that fat people love cake. I think it's an unfair thing to say,
0:49:56 > 0:49:59just an assumption. I know I'm quite a skinny guy,
0:49:59 > 0:50:02but I grew up around fat people. I come from quite a large family.
0:50:02 > 0:50:06There's only five of them, but they're fat as anything you've ever seen.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09So that's point two. That's a minor thing.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12But point three - let's just say, for the sake of argument,
0:50:12 > 0:50:15that fat girls DO love cake. Right? You're a 13-year-old boy
0:50:15 > 0:50:19claiming to love pussy just as much. Cos here's the thing!
0:50:19 > 0:50:21You put cake in front of a fat girl,
0:50:21 > 0:50:24she's at least going to know what to do with it.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27THEY APPLAUD
0:50:28 > 0:50:30So that's point number three.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33Point number four - again, for the sake of argument,
0:50:33 > 0:50:36let's just say you do love pussy that much -
0:50:36 > 0:50:40you, who 18 months ago had a favourite Power Ranger.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42But let's just go with the notion!
0:50:42 > 0:50:47Let's just go with the idea that you really are all about the pussy.
0:50:47 > 0:50:51Why, then, for the love of Pete, would you choose to wear a T-shirt
0:50:51 > 0:50:54that virtually guarantees you'll never get any? Please!
0:50:54 > 0:50:56THEY LAUGH
0:50:56 > 0:50:58That's... That's point number four.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02But point number five is my main point, ladies and gentlemen,
0:51:02 > 0:51:05and it goes back to what I was saying in point number two.
0:51:05 > 0:51:08And that is that a fat girl's relationship with cake,
0:51:08 > 0:51:11indeed, a fat person's relationship with food,
0:51:11 > 0:51:15it's not as simple as pure love. There's a lot more going on there.
0:51:15 > 0:51:19It's a far more complicated, fraught, nuanced relationship
0:51:19 > 0:51:22than simple love. And if that's a relationship you,
0:51:22 > 0:51:25as a 13-year-old boy, have with pussy,
0:51:25 > 0:51:28you have issues you have not addressed, my young friend.
0:51:28 > 0:51:33Like, sometimes you'll want pussy but you'll deny yourself pussy,
0:51:33 > 0:51:37or now and then you'll have pussy and then feel really bad about yourself afterwards,
0:51:37 > 0:51:41or occasionally you'll deliberately have too much pussy
0:51:41 > 0:51:44in order to punish yourself because of complex issues
0:51:44 > 0:51:47to do with your self-esteem! If that's how you,
0:51:47 > 0:51:49as a 13-year-old boy, feel about pussy,
0:51:49 > 0:51:51you're obviously gay!
0:51:51 > 0:51:53LAUGHTER
0:51:55 > 0:51:58You've been lovely. Thank you very much.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01Good night. CHEERING
0:52:03 > 0:52:05Mr Ed Byrne!
0:52:07 > 0:52:10Well, how do you end a night where there's been so many comics
0:52:10 > 0:52:13except with one of the best there is?
0:52:13 > 0:52:15She's an amazing person. She's a wonderful comic.
0:52:15 > 0:52:18Please welcome to the stage Shappi Khorsandi!
0:52:18 > 0:52:21AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:52:22 > 0:52:24Hello! CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:52:24 > 0:52:27Are you well, Edinburgh? AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:52:27 > 0:52:29Brilliant! You're all here. I'm from London.
0:52:29 > 0:52:33I feel I can't go on without mentioning the riots as well.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36It's been very strange, watching them from Edinburgh.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39But on the plus side, I felt that that would never happen
0:52:39 > 0:52:44in Edinburgh, those riots. No-one can set fire to anything in this rain.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47LAUGHTER
0:52:48 > 0:52:52"Everything's damp! Sod it, I don't want a plasma TV that much."
0:52:53 > 0:52:56I'm from a place called Ealing, in West London.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59And like a lot of people, I was watching the riots,
0:52:59 > 0:53:03and I was thinking, "We have to not vilify these young people,
0:53:03 > 0:53:07and understand what it is that has made them disengage so much
0:53:07 > 0:53:10from society to carry out these acts."
0:53:10 > 0:53:14And then they attacked my home suburb of Ealing,
0:53:14 > 0:53:19- and I was, like, "Tear gas! Get out the tear gas, you- BLEEPs!"
0:53:21 > 0:53:23It wasn't a proud moment for me.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26You see, I watched the Queen open up
0:53:26 > 0:53:31the Ealing Broadway shopping centre when I was about 11 years old,
0:53:31 > 0:53:36so I've always felt a very special connection to the royal family.
0:53:37 > 0:53:41I was a young girl, a little girl, when Diana got married,
0:53:41 > 0:53:44and like a lot of mothers, my mum took me off
0:53:44 > 0:53:49to the hairdresser's to get a Diana haircut.
0:53:49 > 0:53:51It looked so cute on little blonde girls,
0:53:51 > 0:53:54but on me, I just looked like a LEGO man.
0:53:54 > 0:53:56LAUGHTER
0:53:56 > 0:54:01My earliest memory of London was when I was four years old.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05I was on the Underground with my mother and my five-year-old brother,
0:54:05 > 0:54:10and a proper '70s punk was sat opposite us.
0:54:10 > 0:54:14Shaved head, big red Mohican... We'd never seen one of them before.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17And our mum went, "Ey vay!", which is Persian for "oy veh!"
0:54:17 > 0:54:19LAUGHTER
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Me and my brother were, like, "Oh, my God, can you see that man?"
0:54:22 > 0:54:24"Can you see his hair?" And our mum went, "Shush,
0:54:24 > 0:54:28because he'll hear you, and that's rude."
0:54:28 > 0:54:31So I stopped talking about him, and I just stared at him.
0:54:32 > 0:54:37My big brother went, "Cock-a-doodle-doooooo!"
0:54:37 > 0:54:39LAUGHTER
0:54:39 > 0:54:42This poor little punk! He was only 17, trying to express himself,
0:54:42 > 0:54:47and he got well annoyed, right? So when he went to get off at his stop,
0:54:47 > 0:54:50he roughly shouldered our mum and said, "Go home" -
0:54:50 > 0:54:53to a young woman with two small children!
0:54:53 > 0:54:56I'll never forget. It was so nice. Everyone on the carriage looked,
0:54:56 > 0:55:00gave us little sympathetic glances and smiles,
0:55:00 > 0:55:04and an old lady next to me, with such warmth and affection,
0:55:04 > 0:55:07put her hand on my shoulder and said,
0:55:07 > 0:55:10"Don't you ever take any notice of people like that, my darling."
0:55:10 > 0:55:13"It ain't your fault you're a Paki."
0:55:13 > 0:55:15Beautiful moment!
0:55:15 > 0:55:18THEY LAUGH
0:55:18 > 0:55:21I've got a little boy, and I'm a single mum,
0:55:21 > 0:55:24and everyone kept telling me, "Look, don't have too many boyfriends."
0:55:24 > 0:55:27I thought, "All right, don't judge me."
0:55:27 > 0:55:30I've had one boyfriend since my husband and I split up,
0:55:30 > 0:55:35at Christmas last year. Turns out some boyfriends really are just for Christmas.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38And I was, like, "You will not meet my child
0:55:38 > 0:55:41until we've been going out for a year,"
0:55:41 > 0:55:45and I arranged for him to come round when my kid was asleep,
0:55:45 > 0:55:48and he was gone before my kid woke up.
0:55:48 > 0:55:53But my luck being my luck, one day they met, for the first time,
0:55:53 > 0:55:56at half past three in the morning on the landing in my house,
0:55:56 > 0:55:59both needing the loo, both naked.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03This poor chap, in a panic, said to my little boy,
0:56:03 > 0:56:07"Hello, I'm Father Christmas!"
0:56:09 > 0:56:11And my little boy looked at him and said,
0:56:11 > 0:56:14"Oh, but he was here last night."
0:56:14 > 0:56:16LAUGHTER
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Thank you very much! Good night!
0:56:19 > 0:56:22APPLAUSE
0:56:24 > 0:56:27Shappi Khorsandi!
0:56:29 > 0:56:33That's it for the Edinburgh Comedy Festival Live. Thank you for coming.
0:56:33 > 0:56:36Please make some noise for all the acts you've seen. Good night!
0:56:36 > 0:56:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:56:40 > 0:56:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk