0:00:22 > 0:00:27It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live 2011.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Please welcome your host, Andi Osho!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- Hello, everyone. Are you well? - AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Oh, dear, that's good, that's good.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. I've actually...
0:00:51 > 0:00:52I've loved being in Edinburgh.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I've loved being anywhere that isn't kicking off.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:57My God!
0:00:57 > 0:01:02What is going on? It's crazy.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06But you know, there's one good thing that has come out of the rioting, OK?
0:01:06 > 0:01:12It's Scotland's chance to have payback for that lame joke that people do about Andrew Murray.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16You know, when he's winning, he's British. When he's not winning, he's Scottish.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland, went on the news,
0:01:19 > 0:01:25went on the news, and he said, "These are not UK riots."
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"Oh, no, no.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36"These are not UK riots.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38"They're English riots."
0:01:38 > 0:01:39LAUGHTER
0:01:39 > 0:01:44My man, my man! I loved that. But, yeah, what's amazing as well -
0:01:44 > 0:01:48I can't believe how thick some of the looters are.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Some of them are tweeting pictures of themselves with stuff they've stolen.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55There is a picture on the internet
0:01:55 > 0:02:00of a boy with a two kilogram bag of Tesco's own brand basmati rice.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07That's right. Sticking it to the man - one tasty dish at a time.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Oh, and it's crazy. But I genuinely do,
0:02:10 > 0:02:16I think you'll agree that there was no chance the rioting was going to make it across the border.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21Not in Edinburgh at this time, because if somebody'd heard "There's going to be a riot!",
0:02:21 > 0:02:25you'd have said "Ooh, have you got a flyer for that? What time is it on?"
0:02:25 > 0:02:29And there'd be people going "Yeah, I saw the riot. Three stars. Wasn't very good.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"Couldn't get anything out of Primark."
0:02:31 > 0:02:37I think that basically, I think what the problem is, is that kids have gotten a little bit feral.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39This is what happened on a bus near where I live.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Bus was crawling down the bus lane, going really slowly,
0:02:42 > 0:02:48and this girl who was at the back of the bus, now I'm not judging, but she was white and chavvy. Now...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:54She shouts out from the back of the bus, she goes, "Oi, driver!
0:02:54 > 0:02:59"Hurry up, mate, some of us have got to go to court."
0:02:59 > 0:03:02And I'm guessing this girl's not the judge.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Another reason I like being in Edinburgh - I'm doing a show
0:03:06 > 0:03:12about dating, and after every show I'm getting someone to come on a date with me, which is amazing.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18There's been days after the show when no-one has come forward.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21One day, that happened and a guy came up to me afterwards.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24He said "Andi, I was going to say that I'm single, but I was a bit shy."
0:03:24 > 0:03:30And a woman came up and went "Dad, just because Mum's not here, it doesn't mean you're single."
0:03:30 > 0:03:34The reason I'm doing this is, it's been three years since I've had a date.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- AUDIENCE:- Aw! - Don't patronise me.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39But it is a long time, isn't it?
0:03:39 > 0:03:44By the way, when I say three years and no dates, I'm not talking about, you know, getting drunk
0:03:44 > 0:03:46with some guy and then staggering back to his, you know.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49In which case, I have been dating.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Probably a little bit too much, to be perfectly honest.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57But I'm worried it's going to heal up down there. Do you know what I mean?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I'll turn into a Sindy doll or something. "Oh, my God, where is it? Jesus!"
0:04:01 > 0:04:04But I tried so many different ways to meet somebody.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I tried internet dating, everything.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09And the problem I have with it is basically...
0:04:09 > 0:04:10the men.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16No, what it is, is what they write on their profiles. Like, they'll put reading down as a hobby.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20To me, reading's not a hobby. That's just something you should be able to do.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25You know, what are you going to put next? "I'm a big fan of eating and thinking, pick me!"
0:04:25 > 0:04:30No, mate, put that you're a fan of putting up shelves and munching rug. Then I'll pick you.
0:04:33 > 0:04:39Also, on the profiles, the guys want you to think that they work out and look after themselves,
0:04:39 > 0:04:44so they'll put down that they like a sport, but then they'll pick a shit one like badminton.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46What the hell is badminton?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48It should be downgraded, right.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It is a board game at best.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55I'm sorry. It is like watching two blokes trying to hit a dandelion with a sieve.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05All I'm saying is, I think there'll be some tickets available for the badminton final come 2012.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Anyway, it's a perfect opportunity to get to know some of you guys.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12That woman's looking away from me.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17She just froze like I'm the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20She's like "Don't move. Her vision's based on movement.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"Gosh, she's still looking. Christ!"
0:05:25 > 0:05:28What's your name, darling? Louise.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29All right, Louise.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33What do you do, Louise? Giggle a lot.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Go on, what do you do for a living? You're a student. Any other students in?
0:05:38 > 0:05:43- AUDIENCE:- Hey!- Oh, right. OK. Tickets aren't expensive enough.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Louise, what are you studying? Maths? You're doing a proper subject.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Great and is this your boyfriend?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- No.- He was like, "No!"
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"I like letters, not numbers."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Do you guys even know each other?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09You do. All right, so you're admitting that much. How do you know each other?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Just through uni.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15All right. But Louise, he has thought about it, OK?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20OK. All right, well, that's enough from me. Let's get on with the show.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Please welcome to the stage the first act of the evening, Dead Cat Bounce!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Edinburgh, how are you doing?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35We are Dead Cat Bounce.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It's fantastic to be here. For many of you in the front couple of rows,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42this probably is the closest you've ever sat to a rock band.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45And that's OK. It can be quite an intense experience, though.
0:06:45 > 0:06:51People do say they find it very exciting. Women in particular say sometimes they find it very sexy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57- But if it does get too much for any of you at any point, just look at the ginger.- That's what he's for.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I can do sexy, all right?
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Well, switch on, everybody, because the next four minutes is going to be important.
0:07:17 > 0:07:23# It's pretty clear They've no idea what they're doing
0:07:27 > 0:07:29# But it's their wedding night
0:07:29 > 0:07:33# And they're determined to get through it
0:07:35 > 0:07:43# Christians in love! Rolling around like a couple of pigs in a barrel
0:07:46 > 0:07:52# Christians in love! Flapping about like a couple of trout in a puddle
0:07:56 > 0:07:59# Like a shithouse door in a force nine gale
0:07:59 > 0:08:01# They're banging hard till their hinges fail
0:08:01 > 0:08:05# With no real discernible sense of rhythm
0:08:07 > 0:08:09# Like Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed
0:08:09 > 0:08:13# They're scared that slowing down might lead
0:08:13 > 0:08:16# To some sort of explosive cataclysm
0:08:18 > 0:08:21# Taking Dennis Hopper with them
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:32# Right now, I guess
0:08:32 > 0:08:34# I guess I know what you're all thinking
0:08:38 > 0:08:45# Why am I watching them? And how have they not heard me singing?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49# Christians in love
0:08:50 > 0:08:53# Possibly deaf or else so impressively focused
0:08:55 > 0:09:00# On the task in hand that there's a four-piece band they haven't noticed
0:09:00 > 0:09:05# In the en suite watching them get laid and wondering when we'll be paid
0:09:05 > 0:09:08# For a wedding that's been over several hours
0:09:11 > 0:09:13# But we'll stick it out as long as it takes
0:09:13 > 0:09:17# Till either our resolve or the headboard breaks
0:09:17 > 0:09:19# At least we've got a toilet and a shower
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- Right, guys?- Yeah!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24# Yes, we'll just keep singing louder
0:09:24 > 0:09:26# Hey you, where's our money?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28# Hey you, where's our money?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- # Hey you, where's our money? Hey you...- Christians in love
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# Hey you, where's our money?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36# Hey you, where's our money?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- # Christians in love- Hey you, where's our money? Hey you...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42# Christians in love. #
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Thank you. Good night!
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Ladies and gentlemen, that was Dead Cat Bounce!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You like?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Next up in tonight's amazing show,
0:10:08 > 0:10:12keep the love in the room, and welcome Jason Byrne!
0:10:21 > 0:10:27Ah, yes. Scotland, Edinburgh. Fantastic!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30You're brilliant. You're similar to Irish people. That's great.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And it's our job as Scottish and Irish people...
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Because I travel around the whole world doing gigs, and I notice
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Scottish and Irish people travel around the whole world
0:10:40 > 0:10:44and it's our job to inject misery into other people's cultures. That's what we do.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48You know, the world would be happy if they kept us in our country
0:10:48 > 0:10:54and didn't let us leave with these miserable pasty faces injecting into other cultures.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59I was in Australia, on Bondi, the most beautiful place ever,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01watching these Irish fellows arrive
0:11:01 > 0:11:05and they'd never been to Australia in their life. Everybody smiled on the beach.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11These big Paddy potato heads come out, big faces, like, "Oh, what's this crap all about, eh?"
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"We'll soon ruin this culture, lads.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"Spread it about, spread it about."
0:11:16 > 0:11:20And I was in this hotel in Bondi and I checked in, right, I checked in.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23And I checked in and then I went to have a look around the hotel
0:11:23 > 0:11:26because that's what, you know, Scottish and Irish people do.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Cos, you know, we're not like Americans.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Americans will go straight to the room and freshen up.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36But not us. We want to have a look around the hotel because you paid your money, yes?
0:11:36 > 0:11:41And you want to make sure the pictures match it on the internet at the hotel.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Yeah? Walking around with the family, just opening random doors.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"Come on, have a look. Have a look in here". Conference rooms.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Just open it up when there's a conference on.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57"Yeah, keep going. We're just having a look. Keep going. Yeah. Good. Yeah.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"Fantastic! Amazing". There's another thing we can't do.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Scottish and Irish people cannot do this. This is brilliant.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07We cannot walk by a room that's being cleaned without looking into it.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Yeah? Because we're nosy bastards.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14That's what we are. Australians, Americans just walk by.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Just mind their own business. Not us. We walk by a room that's being cleaned...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:26"I think that room is better than ours. Is that room better than ours?"
0:12:26 > 0:12:30"Get back, do another pass, do another pass!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38"That bed is bigger, that bed is bigger. Get back and check it again.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"Our room is shit, right?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:45And I was in this hotel, and there was a lot of Americans
0:12:45 > 0:12:51in the breakfast room because it was a castle, and whenever there's a castle, there's Americans, right?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55They were loving it. And they're really polite, Americans. At the breakfast table, you know.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00"I'll just have one sausage and one bit of bacon, thank you, and a yoghurt, thank you."
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"Ming, ming, ming." And they're all very polite, right?
0:13:02 > 0:13:08But over on the side, you know, where you wait to be seated, there was a Scottish family, OK?
0:13:08 > 0:13:13And it was a buffet, and their eyes were like saucers.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You've never seen the like of it.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19They were warming up on the edge of the breakfast bit.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"It's a buffet, kids. It's a buffet.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37"Eat everything. Eat everything. Stuff your faces.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41"You will not eat till 9 o'clock."
0:13:44 > 0:13:48And the best image I've seen ever in my life - and only in Scotland would you see this -
0:13:48 > 0:13:53When the family left the breakfast room, the dad had a croissant in his top pocket.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Thanks for supporting the whole comedy night! Keep it going.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Jason Byrne!
0:14:13 > 0:14:19Keep it going, keep it going now as we bring to the stage the magician Pete Firman!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Thank you. I am a magician. You wouldn't know it
0:14:29 > 0:14:32to look at me, but you can tell a lot about a person by how they use their hands.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36For example, if a fellow does this, maybe he's a soldier.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42If he does this, maybe he works with computers or something like that. But if he does this...
0:14:42 > 0:14:43AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Must be a tosser.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's difficult to surprise an audience with magic.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55If a fellow saws a lady in half, you know what he'll do.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59He'll put her back together. Well, you hope he's going to put her back together.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02To be honest, any knobhead can do the first half of that trick.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06It's the second half that's the difference between Vegas and Broadmoor.
0:15:06 > 0:15:13I need to pick somebody from the audience. The fairest way to select someone is to turn around,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16throw something over my shoulder, whoever catches it is the person that comes.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20It's a random way to pick someone. So...just brace yourselves.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I'm going to whip this hard. See if I can get it upstairs.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27No, I'll do it on my tod.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32I'll carry on by pounding this four and a half inch nail into my face.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It's the nail in the face trick. You know this one, right?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38It's fun for you and your hole...family.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It's the nail in the face.
0:15:40 > 0:15:46Now, in France, they call this the "nail dans la face."
0:15:46 > 0:15:49That's a titbit for any non-French speakers in tonight. Here we go.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Nail in the face. Edinburgh, here it comes.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Nail in the face. Don't try and stop me.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I'm a mad bugger. I'll do this.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I really will. Here we go.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Hey, man up. All right?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Grow a pair, because it's my face.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11OK? I'll be honest, I've never tried this before. So...
0:16:11 > 0:16:15If it screws up, just remember three things, 999. 999! Come on. Jokes and tricks.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Now, that's a deal, right? Don't have to charge for that.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20That's all included.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Here we go. Nail in the face.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, that really hurts.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31I can't see. Oh, it stings. But then again, it's a nail in my face,
0:16:31 > 0:16:36so it might. Those of you towards the front, actually, you might be able to see the teeth marks in that.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39That's because I bite my nails, ha ha! And tricks.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Oh, you people are in luck.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Here we go! To begin with, little taps.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50To start with, just little taps, and I'll build up to the harder whacks.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56It's the nail in the face. Come on, be fair.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Oh, yeah.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06I should join the circus. And, of course, second to the nail in the face is the nail out of the face.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Now, in France, they call this the "nail sortie le face".
0:17:09 > 0:17:11So I'm just going to use some purchase.
0:17:11 > 0:17:18I'm going to get the claw section of the hammer and just get this like this. Agh! Agh!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I should mention my parents are cousins. Is that weird? Agh!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25There it is. Nail out of the face. Come on!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29You guys are awesome. Have a great fringe festival.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I'm Pete Firman, good night!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Mr Pete Firman there!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Looked like it stung.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- Ladies and gentlemen, shall we welcome another act to the stage? - Yeah!- I think so.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Let's hear a round of applause, please.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52And let's welcome all the way from Canada, Phil Nichol!
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- Hello. Hello, Scotland!- Hello!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Oh, are you proud to be Scottish?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Yes!- Are you proud to be Scottish? - Yeah!- Just the women there.
0:18:07 > 0:18:13I'm Scottish. I know I sound Canadian, but I was born in Scotland.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I was born in a lovely little village called Cumbernauld. Yeah.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- What's it called?- Cumbernauld!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Look at the confused English people, "How did they know that?"
0:18:22 > 0:18:28I moved to Canada when I was about four and a half years old, and I took my parents with me. They begged.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"Please don't leave us here, Phil, please!"
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I was lucky to grow up in Canada, because had I grown up in Cumbernauld,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I'd be a very different comedian. I'd be a skinny wee bastard, by the way.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43"Better laugh or I'll stab you in the eye, you numpty, eh?"
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I live in London now. Yes, that's right.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I live in Tottenham, so I'm very pleased to be here.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Thank you very much. Actually, I live in Crouch End on the Broadway Parade.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58My two favourite words, aaah!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Broadway? Parade? Never mind.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I'm really good at that, aren't I? OH! OOH!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I'm always going for castings.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I'm always being cast as a really loud American guy
0:19:07 > 0:19:10or an extraordinarily gay man and I'm starting to think,
0:19:10 > 0:19:14"Is it me? Is it me? Hello?"
0:19:14 > 0:19:16# There's a place for us...#
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Prison.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21No, it's a joke.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24That's what I love about the Brits. You laugh at each other. It's fantastic.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Moving to London, it's a very aggressive place but people don't actually complain to each other.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32They get annoyed but keep it inside. You see a friend, "How are you?"
0:19:32 > 0:19:36They go, "I'M FINE, I'M FINE! HOW ARE YOU?"
0:19:36 > 0:19:37I find it happening to myself.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Recently I was caught behind these dawdling old-aged pensioners
0:19:41 > 0:19:44and I was behind them going, "COME ON! COME ON!"
0:19:44 > 0:19:49I thought to myself, "Surely people with the least time left should be moving the quickest?"
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Know what I mean?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54If they knew anything about Einstein's theory of relativity,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57they'd know the closer you get to light speed, time slows down.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01So stop complaining about how old you are and speed the frig up!
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Yeah, sure, you're 95.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05We'll get you down to 74 if you move quick enough, Grandma.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09I blame the Queen. I blame her cos when you turn 100 in this country,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11you get a little card saying, "Congratulations!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:17That's the wrong approach. You should get a rocket backpack and some roller blades. "COME ON! SPEED UP!"
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I do find myself getting annoyed in London.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's hard not to take on the tendencies of London.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I was on a bus recently and it was full of people,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and there was a couple sitting here and they got up and left
0:20:29 > 0:20:32and the guy sitting next to me got up and moved to that chair,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34without leaving a note, without explaining why.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38We could have made this work. We could have gone for counselling!
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Know what I did?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43I got up, moved and sat beside him. That's what I did.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45See how he likes it. Oh, yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48But I didn't say anything cos I'm British
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and I wouldn't want to be rude.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I flew up here. It was great. I love coming to Edinburgh.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57When you've been on a plane, this is amazing,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00when you leave the plane the stewardesses are so nice,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02like, "Bye-bye, see you later. Bye, goodbye, see you later.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"Thank you so much. Bye, bye, see you later.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"Thank you so much. Bye, bye. Bye, bye, see you later. Oh, bye, bye.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"Bye now. Bye, bye, bye, bye. See you. See you later. Bye. Bye, bye.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15"See you later. Bye, bye. Oh, bye, bye. See you later.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"Have a great day. Bye, bye. See you later. Bye, bye. Bye, bye.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"See you later."
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I don't think they mean it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24You've been great. I'm Phil Nichol.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Thank you very much and enjoy your evening.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Nichol.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:38 > 0:21:44Time now for our next act. Please welcome to the stage Terry Alderton.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:53- Hi.- ALL:- Hi.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58People say to me, "What do you do in your spare time in Edinburgh?"
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I say, "Of course, I go into hairdressers and say,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03'What can you do with this?' "
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And also, ladies and gentlemen, I love a live auction.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10A livestock auction is one of my favourite things.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13So I can watch the auctioneer and imagine a bit of drum and bass behind him.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17HE IMITATES THE SPEECH OF AN AUCTIONEER
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Sold lot 37. Right.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31APPLAUSE
0:22:31 > 0:22:36I can imagine boys at the back of the auction going, "Yeah, that is a bad sheep, though, innit?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"Check that out."
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Recently, ladies and gentlemen, recently I...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50HE MAKES A HISSING SOUND
0:23:30 > 0:23:33APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:41..let myself down.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Ladies and gentlemen, behold the shoes.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:23:51 > 0:23:53AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"Got wolf whistled."
0:23:56 > 0:23:58"Just been heckled as well."
0:24:08 > 0:24:10"What's wrong with you, eh?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13"I said, what's wrong with you?"
0:24:13 > 0:24:17"I'm sick and tired of being the left foot. All I do is prop you up all the time.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"If someone's a bad dancer they've got two of me haven't they, eh?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"You've got a film named after you."
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"Where do you think this ad lib's going to go?"
0:24:34 > 0:24:36"I don't know.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"I know one thing, he's trying to hold in his stomach."
0:24:41 > 0:24:44APPLAUSE
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"There's only one way off the stage. You know that, don't you?"
0:24:47 > 0:24:49"He's going to have roll off."
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"Well, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Terry Alderton...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"..we're pleased to be a part of this.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00"So thank you very much for having us on."
0:25:00 > 0:25:02"We wish you a very good night."
0:25:02 > 0:25:05APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Ladies and gentlemen...
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Terry Alderton.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26OK, put your hands together, welcome Charlie Baker.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Hello, everyone! All right?
0:25:33 > 0:25:37- Having a nice time? - AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Hello, I'm Charlie Baker. I'm waiting for Jack Black to die.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"He looks like him don't he?" "He looks like him."
0:25:49 > 0:25:52"Thinking he looks like someone then he said Jack Black
0:25:52 > 0:25:55"and I thought that's it, that's who he looks like."
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It's lovely to be here in Scotland. I love being in Scotland.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I love the festival times when all the festivals are on.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Not just the comedy one. I love the jazz festival. I love jazz.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I do a bit of jazz myself. But what I hate about the jazz is this.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11They'll be playing their dah, dah, buh, buh, buh.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14IMITATES A SAX PLAYER
0:26:14 > 0:26:18And they'll go, "On the saxophone, Jonnie Jones." Right?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- And Jonnie will stand there and get a round of applause... - APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Points to the microphone like he's done it himself. You know.
0:26:27 > 0:26:33And then the next song they'll be there you know, but, but, vabe, vabe, vd, vd, vd.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37"On the saxophone, Jonnie Jones." We know! We know that's Jonnie.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40We're fully aware that's Jonnie Jones.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43You just said that two minutes ago. But also he's only at work.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47The man is only at work. Why should we give him a round of applause?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50No-one else gets a round of applause just for going to work.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55You don't get, brr, brr, brr, brr. Hello, Johnson and Johnson.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Mr Johnson? I'll just put you through. On reception, Sarah Todd.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00There she is!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I love the theatre festival, because I love theatre.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08My favourite sort of theatre is amateur dramatics.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- The old amateur dramatics. Any am drams in?- Yeah!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Just you, well done.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18And this is what I love, if you want to get into show business join your local am dram, right?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21But turn up and tell them you're a professional dancer.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Turn up and say, "I'm a professional dancer, yeah, professional dancer."
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Cos, right, you won't have to stand at the back for 20 years
0:27:28 > 0:27:30but also they might let you choreograph the show.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33They might let you do the moves for the show.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37And all you need to know to do the moves for an amateur dramatic show
0:27:37 > 0:27:40is three moves. All you've got to know is three moves.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And I'll teach you those three moves here, now, tonight.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Woo!
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Here's the first move you require. Here it is, the side sway.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Here's the next one. A little bit more difficult. Here it comes.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58The box step.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And the third one, my own personal favourite. Here it is -
0:28:07 > 0:28:09the knee bounce.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14You see?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Now the reason they use these moves they work for any show tune,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21any show tune at all. What about Luck Be A Lady? All right a bit of Guys And Dolls. Here we go.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# Luck be a lady tonight
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# Luck be a lady tonight
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# Luck be a lady tonight. #
0:28:32 > 0:28:34See? Anything. Anything!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Oklahoma. Here we go. Here we go.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41# Oh, what a beautiful morning
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Oh, what a beautiful day
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# I've got a beautiful feeling
0:28:47 > 0:28:49# Everything's going my way. #
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Lovely, isn't it?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53If they try them with anything but show tunes, it doesn't work.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55# Bass how low can you go?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57# Death row, what a brother knows
0:28:57 > 0:28:59# Once again, black is the incredible
0:28:59 > 0:29:01# The rhyme animal, the incredible. #
0:29:01 > 0:29:02It doesn't work.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04# If you like to gamble I'll tell you I'm your man
0:29:04 > 0:29:06# You win some, lose some
0:29:06 > 0:29:07# All the same to me
0:29:07 > 0:29:08# The ace of spades... #
0:29:08 > 0:29:11It doesn't work, ladies and gentlemen. It doesn't work.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Thank you very much. I'm Charlie Baker. Good night.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Charlie Baker!
0:29:20 > 0:29:22That was good, wasn't it?
0:29:22 > 0:29:24It was all right.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27OK.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Next up on tonight's amazing show,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32please welcome the fantastic Mr Dave Fulton!
0:29:32 > 0:29:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:40 > 0:29:43I'm from America, a little place called Idaho,
0:29:43 > 0:29:45which doesn't sound like a real place.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47It's like a woman introducing herself as a prostitute.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52"Who are you?" "I-da-ho."
0:29:53 > 0:29:56I like to ride motorcycles on your island here.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59I appreciate it very much. I get hassled a lot.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I've this big bike I built, hardtail, American V-Twin engine.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04I was riding into London one day, a sunny day,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07come across Westminster Bridge in the shadow of Big Ben.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11I'm digging it cos I'm a Yankee boy from Idaho in London on a bike.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15I make the right onto Embankment, and suddenly there's Met Police everywhere.
0:30:15 > 0:30:16Cops everywhere, stopping people.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19As an American, I can't take your Police seriously,
0:30:19 > 0:30:22cos you don't have any guns.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26I get closer and two men cops jump out in front of me like, "You, to the side."
0:30:26 > 0:30:29"All right, I'm a guest." I pull over. Shut the bike down. Take my helmet off.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Biggest cop walks up to me and the first thing he says to me,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35"We are detaining you under the UK Terrorist Act."
0:30:35 > 0:30:39And I'm thinking, "Wow, this beard's coming a lot then I thought it was."
0:30:39 > 0:30:42I said, "How can I be a threat to your country? I'm American!
0:30:42 > 0:30:44"How is this bike a threat to your country?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47"Unless it's so loud it's disturbing an MP behind me in his office
0:30:47 > 0:30:52"as he's trying to cook the books and keep his white ass out of jail."
0:30:56 > 0:30:59He said, "No, sir, the problem is your registration plate.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Cos I had a licence plate on there from Idaho.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03I went, "What's the problem with that?"
0:31:03 > 0:31:07He goes, "Across the river we have a secret camera and we couldn't read the plate."
0:31:07 > 0:31:09I went, "Oh, secret camera?" He goes, "Yes."
0:31:09 > 0:31:11As a JOKE, I said, "Where's your secret camera?"
0:31:11 > 0:31:16And I swear to God, he goes, "You see that tree right across the river?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18"It's mounted on a pole next to it."
0:31:18 > 0:31:22I'm like, "Good luck with the war on terror, my friend."
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Anywhere else in the world would let you go. "Have a nice day.
0:31:25 > 0:31:26"You don't fit the profile."
0:31:26 > 0:31:28No, only in Britain - cos you love paperwork -
0:31:28 > 0:31:31he wrote me a receipt for not being a terrorist.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35because I bring it with me wherever I go in case I'm pulled over.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38I can go, "I have my receipt. I'm not a terrorist."
0:31:38 > 0:31:41I look at it. I go, "What do I do? Is there a fine, do I go to court?"
0:31:41 > 0:31:44He goes, "No, look at the outcome code - you'll see what to do.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45I'm go, "What outcome code?"
0:31:45 > 0:31:50Then he gives me a second sheet of paper that has all these codes and numbers and letters on it.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54I'm like, "All right, fine. Look it up. And I go, "Yeah, outcome code number one...
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Look on here, outcome code number one.
0:31:56 > 0:31:57And it reads, "No further action."
0:31:57 > 0:32:01You couldn't just tell me that?!
0:32:01 > 0:32:02Are you so busy?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04And then I look at the other outcomes.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07I see the next one is "Advised". I can always like advice.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09That's fine an outcome. Yeah, fair enough.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Third one - verbal warning,
0:32:11 > 0:32:14which probably involved a bit of this - "I mean it."
0:32:14 > 0:32:16I'm sure that really intimidated the rioters.
0:32:16 > 0:32:21"Hey stop it. I mean it". The fourth one says "Arrested".
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Like you'd have to put that down as an outcome.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25"Why am I being handcuffed? What's going on?"
0:32:25 > 0:32:29"If you read up your outcome code..." "OK. I'm being arrested. Thank you."
0:32:30 > 0:32:34He's writing this up, I'm standing there, they're pulling loads of people over.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38A woman cop walks up and she goes, "Is this your motorbike?"
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Don't call motorcycles "motorbikes",
0:32:40 > 0:32:43cos it sounds like there's a bell and I've got a paper route.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45I go, "Yeah, that's my motorcycle."
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"It shouldn't be on the road." "What are you talking about? "Look.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51"Registration plate is on the axle. It should be on the rear mudguard.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56"There's no indicators on the back or front, there's no suspension and these pipes are too loud."
0:32:56 > 0:33:00She looks at me goes, "This bike shouldn't be on the road. What do you have to say?"
0:33:00 > 0:33:01Now, I'm a comedian.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06And that sounded like I was being heckled and a comic's job
0:33:06 > 0:33:10when they're being heckled is to come back as quickly, no matter the outcome.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Just get that phrase out there and just get the upper hand. And before I could think, I looked at her
0:33:14 > 0:33:19and I went, "You're a woman and I don't think you should be a cop. What do you think of that?"
0:33:21 > 0:33:24As soon as I said that, a little voice in my head went, "Oh, crap."
0:33:24 > 0:33:29If I was in, America they just would have pulled the guns out and shot me
0:33:29 > 0:33:32repeatedly and then went, "Stop or I'll shoot." Bang, bang.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35But I'm in Britain and the time stood still. Everybody went, "Huh!"
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Even guys getting arrested for terrorism,
0:33:38 > 0:33:42being handcuffed into vans are looking at me going, "I'm sure glad I'm not that guy."
0:33:42 > 0:33:47Before I could say anything like, "I'm just messing around. I'm an idiot, you know?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49"I don't mean that. I was making anything up."
0:33:49 > 0:33:52The guy writing the receipt next to me, I don't see him, I just hear this...
0:33:52 > 0:33:54"Pfff."
0:33:55 > 0:33:59I turn to look at him to go, "Are we cool?" He won't even look at me.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01He was like, "Oh, mate, you got her good there."
0:34:01 > 0:34:04And I was like, "Hey I'm just messing around, man. I'm an idiot."
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Then I hear this, "Mate!"
0:34:06 > 0:34:08I turn to see these big Met cops coming at me.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10They start high-fiving me in the road.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12They go, "That's hilarious."
0:34:12 > 0:34:16She's going, "Stop!" They're like, "Susan, that was funny. Let it go."
0:34:16 > 0:34:20He gives me my receipt and goes, "You better go." I go, "You think?!"
0:34:20 > 0:34:22I get on the back, fire it up, I go down the road.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24The last thing I see in the mirror as I pull away
0:34:24 > 0:34:29is this woman still pointing at me, really angry, talking to the two big guys I high-fived.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31They're trying to keep a straight face.
0:34:31 > 0:34:36Because the guy who wrote me the receipt is standing behind her doing this, "Nah nah nah!"
0:34:36 > 0:34:40And that's why I like living here. Enjoy the rest of your night, people. Thank you.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Oh, there we go!
0:34:46 > 0:34:49That was Dave Fulton, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52All right, let's keep the love in the room
0:34:52 > 0:34:55and welcome the next act, it's Miss Holly Walsh!
0:34:55 > 0:34:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:58 > 0:34:59Hi!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Hello!
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Wow, I am so pleased to be at the Edinburgh Festival.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09I've had a pretty eventful year. I can tell you this.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12I bought a flat. It's good news.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15I live in one of those areas that's sort of, like,
0:35:15 > 0:35:18quite posh in some bits and quite scuzzy the next street.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I think a lot of Britain's like this. Quite integrated.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24It's the sort of place where if you see a white tent by the road,
0:35:24 > 0:35:28you're not quite sure if it's a crime scene or a farmer's market.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31But I bought this flat.
0:35:31 > 0:35:36And my estate agent used the best sales technique anyone has ever used on me.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40We went round loads of different properties. Some nice, some not so nice.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44We went to this one place. It absolutely stunk of piss.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47And there was an iron mark in the middle of the carpet.
0:35:47 > 0:35:53And I turned to my estate agent and I said, "Wow, this place is a shithole."
0:35:53 > 0:35:55And without missing a beat, he said,
0:35:55 > 0:35:57"Yeah, but it could be YOUR shithole."
0:35:59 > 0:36:00And I bought it.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05I love it how people have an amazing attitude to life where I live.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08I was on the bus the other day, this really old woman got on.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10It was completely packed.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14And she went straight up to this guy who was sitting down and said, "How old are you?"
0:36:14 > 0:36:16And this guy was like, "Er...37."
0:36:16 > 0:36:19She said, "I'm 84. Get up."
0:36:20 > 0:36:25I was like, "Holy shit! she just invented human top trumps!"
0:36:28 > 0:36:31He should have played about with a trump he knew he could win.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35Something like, "Yeah, grandma how many of your close friends are still alive?
0:36:36 > 0:36:38"This seat's mine."
0:36:38 > 0:36:44So I've had an eventful year. As I said, I bought my flat. I broke my arm. I smashed my arm to bits.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47I've got a metal elbow. Check that out. Look at that.
0:36:47 > 0:36:52Come on, come closer. Come closer. Look at that. Look at that.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Touch it. Go on. Touch it. Lick it.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57It squeaks!
0:37:00 > 0:37:04I broke my arm and I couldn't do loads of stuff
0:37:04 > 0:37:06cos I only had one arm for six weeks.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10It turns out there's loads of stuff you rely on having two arms, obviously.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12My brother used to come round and check on me every day
0:37:12 > 0:37:14to see if I was OK when I was recovering.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17One day he came round and said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
0:37:17 > 0:37:20I went, "Yeah, this is a bit embarrassing,
0:37:20 > 0:37:23"but I'm finding it really hard to tear off loo roll."
0:37:23 > 0:37:26It's really difficult to tear off loo roll with one arm.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Because you don't realise it but you use that arm to lock,
0:37:28 > 0:37:32otherwise you're just like "rrrrrrr".
0:37:32 > 0:37:36Honestly, my bathroom floor was like an unravelled mummy.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39I said to my brother, "Could you tear me off some loo roll?
0:37:39 > 0:37:43"That'd be really helpful." My brother said, "Sure, no problem.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45"How much do you need?"
0:37:45 > 0:37:47And I suddenly panicked.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51I realised, I've never spoken out loud with anyone else
0:37:51 > 0:37:54about how much loo roll I use.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58I'd bet my bottom dollar that no-one here has ever spoken to anyone else.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Like, I honestly don't know if what I do is normal.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05It's not like on the side of loo rolls there are serving suggestions.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:10So, I didn't know what to do. I absolutely panicked.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12And I thought, "I've got to stay calm."
0:38:12 > 0:38:15So I turned to my brother and I said, "I don't know. Just...
0:38:15 > 0:38:19"tear me off however much you think I need.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24And I saw my brother go through exactly the same thought processes.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28And we both stood there for what felt like ages, in complete silence.
0:38:28 > 0:38:33My brother broke the silence, saying the only thing he could think of which was,
0:38:33 > 0:38:35"Well, what have you eaten today?"
0:38:36 > 0:38:38LAUGHTER
0:38:38 > 0:38:41The next day he came back with a box of Kleenex
0:38:41 > 0:38:44and we never spoke of it again.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Anyway, I've been Holly Walsh. Thank you so much. Goodnight.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:50 > 0:38:53The fantastic Holly Walsh.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59Let's keep that love in the room, let's keep that energy going.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Get the next act on stage. Please make some noise for the fantastic
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Mr Mick Ferry.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:12 > 0:39:14- Good evening.- Hello!
0:39:14 > 0:39:15All right? Just got here.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Just got out the magistrates, this morning.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21Yeah, window shopping's a crime now.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25I've realised now I'm coming up here
0:39:25 > 0:39:29because...it's a break from the family. Erm...
0:39:29 > 0:39:31A month off, it's good actually.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I miss the missus. You know, I do.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36I mean, I've been with her for like, 23 years now. Not married.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40Being engaged 21. So, I'm a bit of a legend, boys.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43I imagine we've got loads of couples in here,
0:39:43 > 0:39:46and we live in, what we call a comfortable hatred.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50It doesn't mean we don't love each other.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54It just means we're comfortable with hurtful feelings for each other.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57We realised years ago it's not all roses, is it? Sometimes you wake up
0:39:57 > 0:40:00and there's things about your partner that annoy you.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Like their face.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06You do. You wake up some mornings
0:40:06 > 0:40:09and you look at that face that you've loved for years,
0:40:09 > 0:40:12and some mornings you just think, "I'm going to put a brick in that."
0:40:12 > 0:40:16LAUGHTER
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Don't do that obviously, you know.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21If you're doing that you need counselling. You've got problems.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25We've been at a stage, for ages - I don't know if any other couples
0:40:25 > 0:40:29can do this, but can you have a row without actually saying anything?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Yeah. You know what I mean. You go to bed angry.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34You've had words, but you've not actually said anything.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37You've had a row, but nothing's been said.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Normally, it's that corner of the eye argument.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42When you're both watching TV.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45One of you is sat on the sofa and one on a chair. And it's quiet.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48And then all of a sudden, this'll start...
0:40:50 > 0:40:52LAUGHTER
0:40:53 > 0:40:57"What the bleeding hell is she looking at?
0:40:57 > 0:40:58"I don't even watch CSI."
0:41:01 > 0:41:05"Look at the fat git, just sat there.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07"And got the face on him, look at him."
0:41:09 > 0:41:11"I know what this is about.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13"I've not moved that cup.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15LAUGHTER
0:41:18 > 0:41:21"I'm going to really piss her off in a minute.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24"I'm going to put this empty crisp packet in it."
0:41:29 > 0:41:33"If he puts that crisp packet in that bleeding cup..."
0:41:33 > 0:41:34That's it.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38You go to bed, you've had a row. Don't even know why. It's fantastic.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40What gets easy though - long term relationship -
0:41:40 > 0:41:43quickie sex gets easy, doesn't it?
0:41:43 > 0:41:46At the start of a relationship, quickie sex is the bloke begging.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Let's be honest. That's all it is.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50"Taxi will be here in 10 minutes, can we, can we?
0:41:50 > 0:41:53"Just touch it, just touch it. Please?"
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Well, when you've been with somebody for a while,
0:41:57 > 0:41:59you don't even plan quickie sex. You just know it is.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01It's not been said.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03You've not said, "Let's have a quickie."
0:42:03 > 0:42:05You've gone to bed at a reasonable hour, cos you both know
0:42:05 > 0:42:08you've got an early start. This hasn't been spoken about.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11You both know it's going to be a quickie.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14The reason you know is because something universal happens.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18One pyjama leg comes off and one boobie comes out. And that's it.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23That's when every couple goes, "We know what's happening here.
0:42:23 > 0:42:27"Let's get this shit over and done with."
0:42:27 > 0:42:30Folks, you've been lovely as always. Love doing this gig.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32I've been Mick Ferry.
0:42:32 > 0:42:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42CHEERING
0:42:42 > 0:42:47Keep the love in the room and make some noise for Imran Yusuf!
0:42:47 > 0:42:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:55 > 0:42:57- Good evening, Edinburgh.- Hello!
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Fantastic to be back, guys.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03- I've got something to share with you. I'm in love.- Woo!
0:43:03 > 0:43:06Maybe just in a little bit of love. Perhaps just a little bit smitten.
0:43:06 > 0:43:10But it's a bit of a challenge being a man in love, right?
0:43:10 > 0:43:12There's dangers out there. You might get rejected.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Rejection hurts a man like you don't understand.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17Because men, we are tough! Right?
0:43:17 > 0:43:19We'll get in a fight, get punched in the face and take it,
0:43:19 > 0:43:21because we are men.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23We'll go out to war, lose a limb.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25But we will take it because we are men.
0:43:25 > 0:43:26But when a woman rejects a man,
0:43:26 > 0:43:28you've no idea the pain that does to our soul.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30I go home and I cry that one out.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33You have no idea of that power of rejection, ladies.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36You must be careful with the power of rejection, ladies.
0:43:36 > 0:43:39You must remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43I've seen it in that film, Spiderman.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46He's the only bloke who could get away, running around town
0:43:46 > 0:43:48in red and blue spandex, shooting women in the face
0:43:48 > 0:43:53with white sticky stuff from his hands, and they love it.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56But when I did it...!
0:43:58 > 0:44:01You must be careful with the power of rejection, ladies.
0:44:01 > 0:44:04Guys, you've got to be ready. A woman will walk into your life
0:44:04 > 0:44:06and your heart will skip a beat.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09Time will stop and you will think, "Wow, this is the woman
0:44:09 > 0:44:12"that I want to make the centre of my entire world."
0:44:12 > 0:44:15You never know when she's going to turn up. You never know.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17There's no early warning system.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Nobody text's you. Nobody's going to poke you on Facebook to tell you
0:44:20 > 0:44:24that woman's about to walk into your life and change everything.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27You've must be ready, guys. You just might be chilling out.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30On holiday, in Thailand. You meet a Swedish girl and things go well.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33You're having fun on the beach and you say to her,
0:44:33 > 0:44:35"Look, I've got to go back to London.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38"When you come over, give me a shout, I'll show you a good time.
0:44:38 > 0:44:39You go back to London.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42A few months later, she's in London, unexpectedly.
0:44:42 > 0:44:45You've got to change your plans to entertain her.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47You take her out to the Natural History Museum,
0:44:47 > 0:44:50cos they've got a good dinosaur exhibition.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52Not cos it was free.
0:44:54 > 0:44:56Later that evening, you take her to a gig.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58She doesn't know you're a stand-up comedian.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00You get up on stage, she's totally surprised.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02You have a fantastic gig.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04She is totally surprised and impressed.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07You spend the train journey home holding hands and whispering
0:45:07 > 0:45:10sweet nothings into each other's ears as you snuggle up.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13That night, you say, "Stay in London, I'll take care of you."
0:45:13 > 0:45:15She can't stay, she has to go home to Sweden.
0:45:15 > 0:45:19Hasn't seen her family in six months. You stay in touch via email.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22But that's not enough, so you write her poetry, in Swedish.
0:45:22 > 0:45:25D'you know how hard it is to write poetry, in Swedish?!
0:45:25 > 0:45:28How the hell do you get those two dots above the letter O?!
0:45:28 > 0:45:31There isn't a button on my British keyboard
0:45:31 > 0:45:33for the two dots above the letter O.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36Where will I get my two dots above the letter O from?
0:45:36 > 0:45:39So, I've got cut and paste it off the internet.
0:45:39 > 0:45:43I cut and paste it off the internet and I paste it into my email.
0:45:43 > 0:45:47When you paste it into your email, it ruins the font formatting of the entire email.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50Now half my email is in Arial, black 10.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52The other half's in Times New Roman, size 12, in bright blue.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55It ruins the entire gesture and is the reason she says,
0:45:55 > 0:45:58"Sorry, I don't feel the same. Can we still be friends?
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Sarah Larson, you broke my heart. Rejection is a BITCH!
0:46:01 > 0:46:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:46:08 > 0:46:10Sorry about that.
0:46:10 > 0:46:11Had to get it off my chest.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14But I can share with you, guys, five days ago, she sent me an email
0:46:14 > 0:46:16and she says that she misses me.
0:46:16 > 0:46:20So you've got to be careful with that power of rejection, ladies.
0:46:20 > 0:46:23You must be careful with it. You must understand this. OK?
0:46:23 > 0:46:26If you abuse the power of rejection,
0:46:26 > 0:46:29if you overuse the power of rejection, ladies,
0:46:29 > 0:46:33you are the guys who end up living in a house, all alone, full of cats.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37And the moral of that story is, ladies,
0:46:37 > 0:46:38what you deny us
0:46:38 > 0:46:40is what you'll end up living with.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:46:45 > 0:46:47IMRAN LAUGHS
0:46:50 > 0:46:51Oh, yes, it's very vulgar,
0:46:51 > 0:46:53oh, but it's very clever.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56My name's Imran Yusuf. Peace out, God bless.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Imran Yusuf, ladies and gentlemen.
0:47:04 > 0:47:05All right.
0:47:05 > 0:47:10Put your hands together and welcome the fantastic Des Bishop.
0:47:10 > 0:47:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:14 > 0:47:17Thank you, thank you.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21Ah, this is the largest crowd I've ever played to in the UK.
0:47:21 > 0:47:22Very exciting for me.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24I'm an Irish American, by the way.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Originally from New York, but I live in Ireland now.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30But I was always Irish, really. Raised in New York.
0:47:30 > 0:47:32Raised by Irish people.
0:47:32 > 0:47:33Raised in the proper Irish way,
0:47:33 > 0:47:36in that I was raised by ferocious alcoholics.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41People always laugh there, especially in Scotland.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43In America if you said that,
0:47:43 > 0:47:45people wouldn't laugh, cos it's not funny.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49An American crowd would be like, "My God, that's terrible. Must have been so hard for you.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52"I hope you went to Al-Anon cos that can be quite wounding."
0:47:52 > 0:47:55I have an American accent, I don't have to put one on.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58But the point is, Scottish crowds think it's hilarious
0:47:58 > 0:48:02cos half the crowd are thinking, "Is there any other way to be raised?
0:48:02 > 0:48:04"I thought that was part of it.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07"Mostly, your parents come home angry and every now and then they're happy
0:48:07 > 0:48:13"and you begin to associate affection with the smell of chips! I thought that was part of it?"
0:48:13 > 0:48:19So at 14, my parents sent me to boarding school in Ireland,
0:48:19 > 0:48:21which I guess is an odd thing. Not that easy.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23I guess you would think
0:48:23 > 0:48:26a boarding school in Ireland, a lot of dangerous things.
0:48:26 > 0:48:30Most of you'll be thinking, it would be the priests.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33But no, for me, it was the things I didn't know about Irish society.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36I didn't even know what nettles were.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40And I remember the day that I found out.
0:48:42 > 0:48:43I was playing football...badly,
0:48:43 > 0:48:46in the tennis court, as you do,
0:48:46 > 0:48:49trying to impress the lads and the ball went into the weeds
0:48:49 > 0:48:52and I was like, "Guys, I'll get the ball, I'll get the ball.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55And I thrust my hand to dislodge the ball
0:48:55 > 0:48:59and I felt the sensation I had never felt before in my life.
0:48:59 > 0:49:04I remember thinking, "Oh, my God, I am being electrocuted!"
0:49:04 > 0:49:07LAUGHTER
0:49:07 > 0:49:09And all the lads were like, "What, what?!"
0:49:09 > 0:49:11And I was like, "I don't know!"
0:49:13 > 0:49:15So one of them came over and said,
0:49:15 > 0:49:16"It's only nettles."
0:49:16 > 0:49:19You have to realise. At that stage of my life,
0:49:19 > 0:49:22somebody saying to me, "It's only nettles,"
0:49:22 > 0:49:25would be the same as turning to me today and saying,
0:49:25 > 0:49:28"Hung, fung, pwas, and dung pwas."
0:49:28 > 0:49:31I hadn't a clue what he was saying. I said, "What the hell are nettles?"
0:49:31 > 0:49:34And he said, "Those things!" And I was like, "What do I do?"
0:49:34 > 0:49:36And he said, "Move your hand!"
0:49:38 > 0:49:42And just in conclusion, although it's a sombre thing to say.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45I lost my dad to lung cancer. That's a sombre thing,
0:49:45 > 0:49:47but that's OK. We all deal with these things in life.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50But I will tell you, there is only one thing worse
0:49:50 > 0:49:53than finding out that your father has lung cancer
0:49:53 > 0:49:54and that's facing people
0:49:54 > 0:49:57who know your dad has lung cancer, who want to tell you
0:49:57 > 0:49:59about herbal remedies
0:49:59 > 0:50:01and homeopathy and bio healing.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04They are the most annoying people on the planet.
0:50:04 > 0:50:08Especially when you tell them to feck off and they tell you to keep an open mind.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Like you're trying to kill your father.
0:50:12 > 0:50:13Like my uncle Jack,
0:50:13 > 0:50:16who couldn't stop telling me about the American Indian herb
0:50:16 > 0:50:18that cured the woman down the road of cancer.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21When I asked him which cancer, he didn't even know which one.
0:50:21 > 0:50:25Which was funny, cos I've had testicular cancer, my mother had breast cancer
0:50:25 > 0:50:28and now my father had small cell lung cancer, stage 4,
0:50:28 > 0:50:31and a woman down the road has been miraculously cured of a cancer -
0:50:31 > 0:50:34pick whichever you like - by the American Indian herb.
0:50:34 > 0:50:36It is a miracle, Uncle Jack!
0:50:36 > 0:50:39Is this the same American Indian that we took everything from?
0:50:39 > 0:50:44Their land, their culture, their way of life. I'm pretty sure we didn't accidentally leave them
0:50:44 > 0:50:46with the cure for cancer, Uncle Jack.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49Think the profits are a little bit too high on that one,
0:50:49 > 0:50:52for big pharmaceuticals to have left Pocahontas
0:50:52 > 0:50:54with the cure for flipping cancer!
0:50:54 > 0:50:58Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I've been Des Bishop.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:00 > 0:51:02Des Bishop.
0:51:02 > 0:51:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:04 > 0:51:09There we go. Let's keep that going and welcome Rich Hall!
0:51:09 > 0:51:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:15 > 0:51:18Yeah. Yeah.
0:51:18 > 0:51:20Look at 'em. Look at 'em.
0:51:20 > 0:51:24You cheap bastards, coming here and seeing five minutes of comedy.
0:51:24 > 0:51:25Yeah. You in particular.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28You're not going to commit to any of these hour shows, are you?
0:51:28 > 0:51:32You going to see any of these people? No, you don't want that.
0:51:32 > 0:51:33You want the quick five minutes.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36You're like plucking through a box of sample chocolates,
0:51:36 > 0:51:41taking the creamy nougats and leaving everything else. I'm looking at you, fella,
0:51:41 > 0:51:43you look like a comedy Viking. Plunderer, traitor,
0:51:43 > 0:51:46pillager, looter.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48Who's been your favourite act, so far?
0:51:48 > 0:51:49You.
0:51:49 > 0:51:50Me.
0:51:52 > 0:51:54Why, because I pointed to you?
0:51:54 > 0:51:55I made you feel like a human.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58None of these - they don't give a shit about you.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00I care about you, my friend.
0:52:00 > 0:52:04I want to take you home under my wing like a chicken.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06I want to raise you, as my own.
0:52:07 > 0:52:08Do you have a dad?
0:52:08 > 0:52:10Can I be your dad?
0:52:10 > 0:52:15This is coming off a little weird isn't it? What's your name?
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Dave?
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Can I call you Son?
0:52:20 > 0:52:23OK, Son. Where are you from, Son?
0:52:23 > 0:52:26- Where?- Edinburgh.
0:52:26 > 0:52:31You've really gone out of your way for this show, haven't you?
0:52:31 > 0:52:33I love Scotland, ladies and gentlemen.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36Best sense of humour in the world. I will stand by that phrase.
0:52:36 > 0:52:41I will stand by that statement. A lot of people, "The Irish have the best sense of humour."
0:52:41 > 0:52:44Yeah, they have a good sense of humour. Scots are better.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Better sense of humour. Do you know why?
0:52:47 > 0:52:49Because somebody can die in Scotland and it's funny.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52Someone in Ireland dies, that's not funny.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54And everyone in Ireland knows everyone else.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56It's like one giant village.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59I was doing a four city tour of Ireland.
0:52:59 > 0:53:02That's right, there are four cities in Ireland. And I was touring them.
0:53:02 > 0:53:07Big collections of fairy forts you might call them, but still they were cities.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10I had the Irish Times on the train.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13The biggest paper in the world. The size of a tarpaulin, friend.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16Many people in Ireland live under it, it's that massive.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18It's basically a roof with printing on it.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21I have it stretched out across the entire train
0:53:21 > 0:53:25reading the Irish Times, and this is the headline - Cork Man Drowns.
0:53:25 > 0:53:27LAUGHTER
0:53:27 > 0:53:30And that is why about 18 people in the front row
0:53:30 > 0:53:33have the best sense of humour of anyone in Scotland,
0:53:33 > 0:53:34cos they got that right away.
0:53:34 > 0:53:38The rest of you, I'll just let it trickle back.
0:53:38 > 0:53:40SHOUTS: Cork Man Drowns!
0:53:40 > 0:53:43How is that physically possible?
0:53:43 > 0:53:46The more it rains outside, the funnier that is.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51You have to read the article. What if the guy's name is Bob? It was.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53The guy's name was Bob.
0:53:53 > 0:53:57Like a comedy, gift-handed to me on a platter.
0:53:57 > 0:53:59You don't get these very often.
0:53:59 > 0:54:03So, I go on stage in Limerick and I went on, showed the headlines,
0:54:03 > 0:54:07Cork Man Drowns. HE LAUGHS
0:54:07 > 0:54:09The crowd - "That's not funny.
0:54:09 > 0:54:12"He's talking about Bob.
0:54:12 > 0:54:13"Bob drowned yesterday.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17"You sick bastard, what is wrong with you?"
0:54:19 > 0:54:23See, there is a difference between the ability to laugh
0:54:23 > 0:54:24and a sense of humour.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26You understand? Scots have a sense of humour.
0:54:26 > 0:54:29Americans have the ability to laugh.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Not really sure what they're laughing at.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34Then you say the wrong thing and then they turn like, "Hey pal -"
0:54:34 > 0:54:37"Whoa, whoa, what did he just say? Did you hear what he just said?
0:54:37 > 0:54:39"You are treading on my beliefs, fella!
0:54:39 > 0:54:42"You do not talk about a self-loading rifle."
0:54:42 > 0:54:45"That's a belief?" "That's right, pal."
0:54:45 > 0:54:48Americans don't have opinions, they have bumper stickers. Understand?
0:54:48 > 0:54:51Once you've committed your bumper sticker there's no going back.
0:54:51 > 0:54:54You've got a bumper sticker. What's the point? A waste of words.
0:54:54 > 0:54:58"You want to think about things, pal? Look at the back of my truck.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01"That'll sum up everything you need to know about me."
0:55:01 > 0:55:03"What?"
0:55:03 > 0:55:05And then you're walking around the car park,
0:55:05 > 0:55:08"Don't even know what his car looks like.
0:55:08 > 0:55:09"Here's a truck. Is this it?
0:55:09 > 0:55:12"Jesus is my airbag. Yip."
0:55:12 > 0:55:14LAUGHTER
0:55:14 > 0:55:17"Jesus is your airbag?" "That's right pal. Any more questions?"
0:55:17 > 0:55:20"No, that settles everything.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22"Is Moses your meat thermometer?
0:55:22 > 0:55:24"I don't know what you're talking about."
0:55:24 > 0:55:27Americans celebrate everything on the back of their cars.
0:55:27 > 0:55:32I've seen a bumper sticker, often it says, "I'm proud of my gay son."
0:55:32 > 0:55:36Yeah, kind of raises more questions than it answers doesn't it?
0:55:36 > 0:55:39"Why, did he win a contest? I don't understand why..."
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Obviously, if you're gay, be proud of it. Tell the world.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45But when your dad is driving around going, "I'm proud of my gay son,"
0:55:45 > 0:55:49It sounds like he's taking credit for the whole thing.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52"Taught that son of a bitch everything he knows about being gay.
0:55:52 > 0:55:54"Yes, siree, couldn't afford piano lessons.
0:55:54 > 0:55:58"I said, son, "You'll be good at something. You'll be good at being gay.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01"He took to it like a duck to water."
0:56:01 > 0:56:05Duck, of course, being my son and water being cock.
0:56:07 > 0:56:09Thank you.
0:56:09 > 0:56:11Thank you. Thank you.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:14 > 0:56:16Ladies and gentlemen, Rich Hall!
0:56:18 > 0:56:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:20 > 0:56:24So ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of tonight's show.
0:56:24 > 0:56:28Give it up for the acts you've seen tonight. I've been Andi Osho.
0:56:28 > 0:56:29Goodnight!
0:56:49 > 0:56:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:56:52 > 0:56:55Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk