0:00:26 > 0:00:30'Please, welcome your host - Seann Walsh.'
0:00:30 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Thank you! Thank you!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Hello, Edinburgh.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Hello and welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Fantastic. It's lovely to be here.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It's been a year since I've been here.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Not much has changed. My hair's longer.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I'm increasingly getting mistaken for a woman.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02From behind, obviously.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09I've been offered a drink. Stood at the bar, like that.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Can I trouble you for a drink?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I'll have a Kronenbourg, mate. Nice one.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27They're friendly in here. We'll come back here.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31I have to take it easy. I binge-drink. That's my problem.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I've ended up in some horrible states.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Being sick, sick in the toilet.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Can't make it to bed after being sick in the toilet.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43You know that state? Hugging the toilet.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Thinking, "I am so comfortable.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51"Why don't they advertise this on DFS adverts?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"I've never been so comfortable." Lying there...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:01:58 > 0:02:00HE SPITS
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Bath mat as a duvet.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14It's not covering the feet so you grab the toilet mat.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16What's that mat for?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It's just there to absorb male urine.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You need to find where to put your head. That's important.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Normally, I can't sleep with less than three pillows.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I can't sleep on a train, I can't sleep on a plane.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Now I'm hugging a toilet, that dark bit behind the bowl
0:02:31 > 0:02:34that's never properly been cleaned looks lovely.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Oh, I could lie here for ever.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Your friends try and look after you. It depends what gender you are.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Ladies, girls, you look after one another.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48You are more caring, more considerate.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I have seen it at house parties.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51A girl starts being sick,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54you storm in there like it's a military operation.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Are you all right, babes? Are you all right, babes?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Get your hair out of your face. Get your hair out of your face.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03You look gorgeous, babes. You look beautiful. You look beautiful.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You look stunning. We are going to get you some water.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Do you want some water? We'll get you some water.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Go and get her some water! Get some water.
0:03:12 > 0:03:18She'll be all right once she's had some water. Where is your bag?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Don't worry. We'll find your bag. Where is her bag?!
0:03:22 > 0:03:27Find her bag quickly! Go and find it. We've got your bag coming.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Very protective. Guys aren't allowed to see what's happening.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33If a guy walks past, looks through the toilet door,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37what's going on here? Nothing! Nothing to be seen here. Go on!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41No-one's laughing at you, babes. No-one is laughing.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45No-one's laughing at you. We've got your water coming. What's that?!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Egg cup?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51It couldn't re-hydrate a mouse.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58We've got a nice big egg cup of water. There you go.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Get that down you. Don't worry about him. He's an arsehole!
0:04:01 > 0:04:06Don't worry about him. We are going to get you home and get you changed.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Changing each other in bed!
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Have you seen this?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Men aren't as caring and considerate.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26You see a bloke, a good friend of yours being sick in the toilet.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30The most you will do is look at him and go, "Are you all right, mate?"
0:04:30 > 0:04:34It doesn't matter what his reaction is.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37You'll turn to your other friend and say, "Film it!"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a fantastic audience.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Are you ready for your first act?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50We're going to start off with one of Australia's biggest comedians.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Please go wild for Adam Hills.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Hello, Edinburgh.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06This is my 15th time at the festival
0:05:06 > 0:05:08and for the first time this year, I have felt like a local.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Because I found myself walking across North Bridge uttering the words,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15"Bloody tourists!"
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Thank you.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I love it here. I feel like this is my second home.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25I was in Australia last year
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and I wandered into a second-hand bookstore and I found this.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I found a book called Picturesque Notes On Edinburgh.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Written by Robert Louis Stevenson.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Exactly.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I bought it. It's 35 Australian dollars so that's £2.60.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Ladies and gentlemen, this is Robert Louis Stevenson
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Picturesque Notes On Edinburgh - introduction.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55"The ancient and famous metropolis of the North sits overlooking
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"a windy estuary from the slope and summit of three hills.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03"No situation could be more commanding for the head city of a kingdom,
0:06:03 > 0:06:07"none better chosen for noble prospects.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12"But Edinburgh pays cruelly for her high seat in one of the vilest climates under heaven."
0:06:12 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Oh, there's more.
0:06:22 > 0:06:28"The weather is raw and boisterous in winter, shifty and ungenial in summer
0:06:28 > 0:06:33"and a downright meteorological purgatory in the spring."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"The delicate die early."
0:06:47 > 0:06:51"And I, as a survivor, among bleak winds and plumping rain
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"have been sometimes tempted to envy them their fate."
0:06:59 > 0:07:03It goes on. I haven't even got off the second page yet.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05It completely disses it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08It talks about how Venice, Venice is wonderful
0:07:08 > 0:07:11because people that visit Venice view it as they would a lover.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"Indeed, even by her kindest friends,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"Edinburgh is not considered in a similar sense.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19"People like Edinburgh for many reasons,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"not any one of which is satisfactory in itself."
0:07:24 > 0:07:28"Her attraction is romantic in the narrowest meaning of the term.
0:07:28 > 0:07:34"Beautiful as she is, she is not so much beautiful as interesting.
0:07:35 > 0:07:41"And what is the deal with the freaking trams?!"
0:07:41 > 0:07:42HE MOUTHS
0:07:45 > 0:07:47OK, I'll be honest. I made that last bit up.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50It goes on like this for an entire chapter.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54The end of which there is a bit note which was written after it was published.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57It says this - "These sentences have,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"I hear, given offence in my native town
0:07:59 > 0:08:03"and a proportionable pleasure to our rivals of Glasgow."
0:08:05 > 0:08:11"To the Glasgow people, I would say only one word, but that is of gold.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"I have not yet written a book about Glasgow."
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Enjoy your night.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Good night, Edinburgh!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Adam Hills!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Give it up for the most charming man in comedy - Charlie Baker!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Good evening. Everyone all right?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42CHEERING
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Let's get one thing out of the way. What a lovely looking man!
0:08:45 > 0:08:46What a smashing looking man!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Some of you thinking... HE RETCHES
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I've not always been so robust.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57When I was born, a very sad story, when I was born,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01they told my mum and dad I might not live until the morning.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Nothing wrong with me, just really annoying.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Came out jazz hands, high kicks, the lot!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09It's a sad start.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13What my parents set about doing was filling me with love, confidence.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Any confident people in?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18There never are. It's a not a good thing.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23If you have low self esteem, you think everybody hates you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27If you have high self esteem, everybody hates you.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31It's not a good thing to have. They set about filling me with food.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35I don't know if you know this about Devonshire women -
0:09:35 > 0:09:38they can lactate clotted cream at any point.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41There's jam in the other.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46They can bring up a pasty. HE CHOKES
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Like a penguin with fish.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51It's very good. They filled me with love.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54A lovely Devonshire upbringing.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55I had to find my danger wherever I could.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I used to find it in the play parks. I've got a five-year-old son.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02I take him to the play park now. There's no danger there!
0:10:02 > 0:10:06When I was growing up, the slide would be like 40 foot high,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08made of rust and razor blades.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13You'd slide off the bottom for 40 foot on your arse.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The roundabout would be made of daggers.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Glass all over the floor and you'd ring the council and go,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22"There's glass all over the floor", and they'd go, "That ain't glass.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24"That's just big sand."
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It's rubber all over the floor now.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Any rubber on the floor
0:10:29 > 0:10:32when I was growing up had a knot in the end of it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It's no good... There's no danger.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It wasn't a good day at the park
0:10:36 > 0:10:38unless you came home with a bit of bone showing.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41You can see my elbow. Look at it!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45If you have a bone showing in a park now, you get put on a register.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49There's no danger any more. He's never picked a scab.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51He's never had scabs on his elbows and knees.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55He's never picked a scab and ate it. It's a dying craft.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57You've all done it.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I was a weird child. I was a middle child.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01I like to say I was a middle child
0:11:01 > 0:11:04but with the social skills of an only.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Not a good combination.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Apparently, when I was five... I had a very pushy, stage-y mum.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I don't know if you've seen Black Swan.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I'm more force-fed foie-gras goose.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18When I was five, I apparently asked to do tap-dancing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20This isn't a good thing for a man to do. Don't learn tap-dancing.
0:11:20 > 0:11:26If you see a man salsa-dancing, you think, "Hey! I bet he's good in bed."
0:11:28 > 0:11:31If you see a man tap-dancing, you think, "Hey!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"I bet he lives with his mum."
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It's not a good thing. There are two sorts of tap-dancing.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I'll show you the two. This is American rhythm tap.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45There it is, American tap.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Look at me. Full of oppression. Stamping it out.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Arrogant, from the balls, oh, sexy.
0:11:52 > 0:11:58Then, British tap, all it's done is cross the Atlantic.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And somehow become this.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10APPLAUSE
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Don't clap. That's how it starts. My nan going, "Very good. Do it again."
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Thanks for coming. I'm Charlie Baker. Good night.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Charlie Baker!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Next up, please welcome Russell Kane.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33CHEERING
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Hello. Lovely Edinburgh. This is my family.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46This is my girlfriend. I'm here for the first time ever with no girlfriend,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49no partner, living on my own in Edinburgh.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Hey! So who have I been hanging out with? My mum for the whole festival.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I can't explain the exquisite pleasure of seeing my mum
0:12:57 > 0:12:59do her first Jager Bomb. It blew my freaking mind.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04But something amazing has happened. My dad pegged it years ago.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I just kept him alive for comedy purposes to add some artificial
0:13:07 > 0:13:09pathos to my middle-brow meanderings.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"He's self-deprecating."
0:13:11 > 0:13:15What I did was... You know, there are two types of women.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17There are some women who go, "My husband's dead.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"I'll stay indoors and go grey."
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Then there is the survivor. My mum's like me with a perm.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24She's like a Pepperami with a perm.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Full of energy. "Let's make lists till were miserable.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32"Let's overanalyse everything until we cry." We are the same.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37She survived. My dad's been dead nearly eight years. She's moved on.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Those of you of my sort of age will know what it's like
0:13:40 > 0:13:42if your mum is 50 and she gets a... I can't even say it.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I've told this story before and I say, "My mum's got boyf...
0:13:45 > 0:13:50"She's got a boyfriend." Stop putting your willy in my mum, please!
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Anyway... HE RETCHES
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It should just fall off after a certain age.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59There should be a Ken hump.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01That's all there should be there.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07She's happy and Danny from Woodford is lovely. He's the opposite of my dad.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09He used to smash up the house if he could not find his car keys.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Danny goes, "Oh, well. It's only car keys. Let's get a taxi."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14He's one of those men.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19We went out clubbing recently, the three of us. Orcs or what!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22More Orcs than the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26"Oh, my God. He's using our language. Random!"
0:14:26 > 0:14:29IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I don't know what you're talkin' aboot!
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Get on with the story!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36My mum has got a brilliant use of language. Water is never spilt.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's drenched, it's a deluge.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40When her phone fell into the canal, she described it as,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42"slipping into the black abyss."
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Even her mistakes are elegant. Watching The Voice.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50"My favourite - Will-one-am, love him."
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Love her. But she came out with her all-time classic mixed with her worrying jealousy.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59We were out clubbing and we were all dancing
0:14:59 > 0:15:02and there were girls everywhere.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05It's amazing that anyone realises I'm straight,
0:15:05 > 0:15:06let alone any female would find me attractive.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I'm happy to absorb their misguided attention
0:15:10 > 0:15:13if they want to lavish it upon me. The girls were trying to get my attention by doing
0:15:13 > 0:15:15that dance that I call mild stroke.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Just call it vitamin D deficiency. It doesn't make me want to bone you.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I want to help you by giving you Wellwoman vitamins or something.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28We are all looking at the girl and I say,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"Look at all those girls, Danny."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And he comes out with this... It was like a well-trained dog that had forgotten itself.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36When a dog that's well-trained goes, "I'm having a great game indoors.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"I just pissed up the telly. I don't know why I did that."
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I went, "Look at all those girls,"
0:15:40 > 0:15:44and Danny said, "Yeah, let me know if you need a hand with that."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Just as the dance music dropped out, my mum has heard it.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48My mum, she might be five feet three,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50but she's like a crystal of anger.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54She's turned on Danny. You've got to think of your favourite villain.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Your favourite gangster Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro, whoever.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Mine is Ben Kingsley as Don Logan in Sexy Beast.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03My mum has done a full slow head turn on him like this.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08She came out with one of the best things I've ever heard.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Danny has gone, "Let me know if you need a hand with that."
0:16:10 > 0:16:14And she said, "How are you going to do that, Dan, with no eyes and stumps?"
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Thank you very much. Good night.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Russell Kane!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I've worked with this next woman loads of times. I love her.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Sara Pascoe!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Hello. Good evening.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47It's so nice to be here in Edinburgh and it's so nice doing comedy at all.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Stand-up has completely changed my life for the better.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55I used to be a regular drunk woman and now,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I don't need to shout at strangers any more.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I've got amplification.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I don't piss in the street any more.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I can wait until I'm in the privacy of my own taxi.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08If I want to hate myself in the morning,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I don't need to go to bed with one of you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I can just end this bit without a punchline.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19That'll do it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22The drinking thing is quite interesting.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I read the study that Boston University did about happiness.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28They said that the happiest people drank no more
0:17:28 > 0:17:30than three glasses of wine a day.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33What?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I spill more wine than that a day.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Who are these underdrinkers and why do they have nothing to forget?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I don't think it's a fair study because I think that
0:17:42 > 0:17:45alcohol reacts differently with different people.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48For some people, wine makes them giggly, some people,
0:17:48 > 0:17:49it makes you sleepy.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52It makes me do shots.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54That's genetics.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Because I don't want to have to change my behaviour, instead,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I've decided to feel sorry for these happy people
0:18:00 > 0:18:03because they are not going to get any of the adventures.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05They'll never go night swimming,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09they'll never be sick on themselves without noticing.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14They'll never do the walk of shame, going home in last night's clothes.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17They'll never do the queue of shame, waiting for Greggs to open.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22They'll never do the look of shame, A double-take in the mirror
0:18:22 > 0:18:24when I THOUGHT I saw my mother.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I try not to look in the mirror very often
0:18:27 > 0:18:29because I do not want to care what I look like.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32It's so impossible because there is all this focus
0:18:32 > 0:18:35on women's appearances especially in Essex where I come from.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Grooming has gone too far.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Jodie Marsh has crossed the line from fake tanning into blacking-up.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46That is now offensive.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I don't understand the false eyelashes thing.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54If I want my face to be hairier, I just don't pluck my chin.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I believe that men and women, we're the same.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01We are remembered for our achievements,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03not what we looked like while we were doing stuff.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Florence Nightingale, she invented nursing.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Who cares if she had a muffin top?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Marie Curie, she discovered radium and polonium.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Who cares if she glowed in the dark?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Ladies, we can waste all this energy hating ourselves
0:19:19 > 0:19:22when we should just be concentrating on our work like men do.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25They are not worrying about cellulite.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26They're too busy getting paid more
0:19:26 > 0:19:30in every single career where you don't have to take your clothes off.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31APPLAUSE
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Thanks!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It's been so lovely to see you. My name's Sara. Good night.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Sara Pascoe!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48And next, a very funny man, I know you're going to love him.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Please welcome James Acaster.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Thank you.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Cheers. Good to see you all.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06So, I drove past a field full of cows recently.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10And all the cows were lying down,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12apart from one cow which was standing up.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Later on that day...
0:20:19 > 0:20:20It did rain.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I bet they never let her forget it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Hopefully you all know the thing about the cows.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:35 > 0:20:37If you don't, I'll explain it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Basically, there's a rumour going round...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43That the cows can predict the weather.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45If it's going to be sunny, they stand-up.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47If it's going to rain, they lie down.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Granted, beyond those two types of weather,
0:20:49 > 0:20:53cows appear to have very little idea what's going on.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56It doesn't mean they can't predict other types of weather, just, that if you are a cow,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59there's limited ways you can express yourself.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04You've got two settings if you're a cow - you're standing up or you're lying down.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06You can't throw a lot of shapes.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:10And, it's only British cows that can do this.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I was talking to my friend Peter, from Denmark, I told him
0:21:12 > 0:21:14about the cows in Britain.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17He said it was stupid.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Laughed in my face.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22He said in Denmark, people believe cows can let us
0:21:22 > 0:21:24know what way the wind's blowing.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29If a cow faces this way. Then the wind is also blowing this way.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I said, "Maybe you're right, Peter.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Maybe it is pretty stupid of us British
0:21:36 > 0:21:39to look to cows to let us know what's happening in the future.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42But I would argue it's a little bit more stupid to look to cows
0:21:42 > 0:21:45to let you know what's happening in the present.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:48 > 0:21:53APPLAUSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I think it's great we still believe in that kind of stuff.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58But my favourite one's the Loch Ness Monster.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Love it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Yeah, most people who've seen the Loch Ness Monster,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05they describe it as looking like an up-turned boat.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:11It does sound like they might have seen...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12one of them up-turned boats.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:16If you want to convince me you saw the Loch Ness Monster,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19probably best not to describe it as something else commonly found in a loch.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:23My favourite Loch Ness Monster sighting was by a couple
0:22:23 > 0:22:24called Mr and Mrs Spicer.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27They claim they were driving home late at night and they had to
0:22:27 > 0:22:30stop their car to allow the Loch Ness Monster to cross the road.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:33That's their story.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Could have seen two people carrying a boat, we don't know.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I'm aware they made that up, I know it's a lie.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44That easily makes them my favourite couple that have ever existed.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Looking around tonight, there's loads of couples in,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I'm sure you're very much in love, but in my opinion,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54you're never fully in love until one of you can turn to the other and go,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56"Do you want to do a Loch Ness Monster hoax?"
0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER
0:22:58 > 0:23:01"I was just about to ask you the same thing."
0:23:01 > 0:23:03"What do you want to go with, up-turned boat?"
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"Screw that - crossing the road."
0:23:06 > 0:23:07"I love you."
0:23:17 > 0:23:18"I love you, too."
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"I love you so much."
0:23:41 > 0:23:42"Do you want to go and do it right now?"
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"Or do you want to wait until we finish these crop circles?"
0:23:51 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:55APPLAUSE
0:23:55 > 0:23:59You've been a lot of fun. I'll see you later, bye. Thank you.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:06James Acaster.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Now, he's huge in Ireland, please go mad for Des Bishop.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13APPLAUSE
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Thank you.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I am, uh, I'm struggling with getting older.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21I'm 36.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I'm not married, I've no kids. But here's the real evidence.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'm going to rat myself out.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28This is how I know I'm struggling with getting old.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I've dyed my hair.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Yes, women hate that.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36They're like, "What are you doing dying your hair? Going grey is sexy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"Silver Fox. Look at George Clooney."
0:24:38 > 0:24:40They're always mentioning George Clooney.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42They never mention Alistair Darling. Do you notice that?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:47White hair on top, but his eyebrows are on a protest.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48"Hell, no, we won't go."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51His eyebrows, it's like he saw a ghost with sunglasses on.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I don't know what's going on with that guy's hair.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Either that or he's so Scottish, he's like, "I'll just do the eyebrows
0:24:57 > 0:24:59"and wear a hat, I'll save loads of money, it'll be fine".
0:24:59 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Oh, God forgive me, in your own country, oh!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Yeah. I, I dyed it.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Women can't identify with the stress of dying your hair as a man
0:25:09 > 0:25:12because you can dye your hair. You don't have to hide it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15You even dye your hair like that auburn-purple colour.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Which, I think looks great, but no human has ever produced it naturally
0:25:19 > 0:25:22so we know you're dying it and you don't care that we know,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25that's why your hair colour products have positive names
0:25:25 > 0:25:27like Clairol Nice 'N' Easy.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31L'Oreal Preference. You walk into the chemist, they're in your face.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Men's hair colour, shhhhh.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35(Just For Men).
0:25:35 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Don't tell anyone. It's a big secret. It's like a gay sauna.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Go round the back, lads.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Nothing wrong in what you're doing but don't let anyone know you're doing it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:50You have to hide it. I had a one night stand recently.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I felt terrible. I had this moral dilemma.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I was with this girl, we had a nice time,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58but then after the fact I felt guilty, I thought, "Oh my God,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"I haven't told her the information".
0:26:01 > 0:26:04That's not fair, she might have got involved under false pretences
0:26:04 > 0:26:06and I think you owe that to a 20-year-old.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08They need to know.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I said, "Listen, I've used Just For Men".
0:26:10 > 0:26:13She attacked me. She was like, "I can't believe, how...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"How can you use Just For Men?" I thought, "How can I use Just For Men?"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I had to push her to the side
0:26:18 > 0:26:21and say, "How could you leave this fake tan all over my freshly white sheets?"
0:26:21 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"Like the Shroud Of Turin, how could you do it?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"I knew you weren't orange, but you look amazing. You look amazing."
0:26:28 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:31It's horrible.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Do you know that when they killed Osama Bin Laden, they found
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Just For Men in his lair?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39And this is a fact. I haven't made it up for a joke.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40I read it in the New York Times.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And this will tell you how negative people's attitude
0:26:43 > 0:26:45to Just For Men is.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46They wrote that story as if to say,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50"Oh, you think Osama Bin Laden's a bad man for killing 3,000 people?
0:26:50 > 0:26:51"Check this out!"
0:26:51 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:54"He used Just For Men."
0:26:54 > 0:26:56And then I thought about
0:26:56 > 0:26:59the young Al-Qaeda operative. "I have a meeting with Osama,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"what will be my mission?"
0:27:01 > 0:27:05And Osama's like, "Mohammed, go to Abbottabad and get me
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"two boxes of Natural Black Just For Men."
0:27:07 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:10"One for my beard, one for my head."
0:27:10 > 0:27:11At what stage of that
0:27:11 > 0:27:15journey do you not question your commitment to the jihad?
0:27:15 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:17How can you follow that guy?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20It's important to know, in the Arab world it's not called
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Just For Men, it's called Unjust For Women.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Just so you know. LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26And for all those men,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30terrorists and me in Dublin, buying Just For Men for myself,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33there are five shades. Five shades for everybody.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38There are seven shades of red alone in female hair colour products.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Seven shades of red.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Why do you need seven shades of a colour most people pray
0:27:44 > 0:27:47their children will not be born with?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:50So I can looking like an idiot for too long in the wrong aisle.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Thank you very much, I've been Des Bishop. Have a good night, thank you.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Des Bishop!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I do like a drink. I've been good this week.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I behaved.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Wanted to sort my life out. You have that?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09You have a good week. "This week I'm going to sort my life out."
0:28:10 > 0:28:13"This week I'm going to stay in, sort out my life."
0:28:13 > 0:28:16All this really means is, "I'm going to clean my bedroom."
0:28:16 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I know what I do. I get back,
0:28:21 > 0:28:23sometimes I get back late at night, drunk.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27I think this time, this time I'm going to get up. You know that?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30This time I'm going to escape the hangover.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Going to set the alarm on my phone.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- SLURRED:- I've been working today, I've been working today.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41So I'm going to sort it. It's all right.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43I know last time I didn't get up.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Last time I didn't have a glass of water, did I?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47LAUGHTER
0:28:47 > 0:28:52This time I'm going to set the alarm on my phone and I'm not,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I'm not, I'm not going to get into bed with it.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57No, no, no. This is the clever bit...
0:28:57 > 0:29:02I'm going to put the phone the other side of the room.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05HE LAUGHS
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Deal with that, morning me!
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Because then when I wake up, I'll have to get out of bed.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17And I'll have two walk all of two and a half metres.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21And by that time I'm going to be so awake.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23This has never happened, has it?
0:29:23 > 0:29:27No one's got out of bed, gone, "Oh, God... Ready for the day.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29"Let's go...
0:29:29 > 0:29:31"Coffees and croissants for everyone!"
0:29:31 > 0:29:32LAUGHTER
0:29:32 > 0:29:36I press the snooze button. First thing I do, snooze button, straight away. Nine minutes.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Who came up with nine minutes?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Who thought this was the perfect snooze?
0:29:40 > 0:29:43"Ten minutes? No, that's a lie in!"
0:29:43 > 0:29:44LAUGHTER
0:29:44 > 0:29:48"Eight? That's not enough. Nine? The perfect snooze." Why do we do this?
0:29:48 > 0:29:52This nine minutes. Has anyone ever felt better after the nine minutes?
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Someone going into work. "Hey, guys, I'm in a good mood today.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58"I've had an extra nine minutes sleep. Wooooh!"
0:29:59 > 0:30:02All I do after the nine minutes is press it again.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05The longest I've pressed the snooze button is four hours.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07LAUGHTER
0:30:07 > 0:30:09It's not proper sleep, is it?
0:30:09 > 0:30:12You don't go back to sleep in that nine minutes.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16No, you basically just lie in your own bed having a panic attack.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19"It's going to go off any second now. I feel it, It's going to go off, it's going to...
0:30:19 > 0:30:22"Any second now, it's going to go off." Sometimes you even check.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25"Two minutes left. Two minutes left. I know it's going to go off."
0:30:25 > 0:30:29APPLAUSE
0:30:29 > 0:30:31These alarms don't work, do they? The smoke alarm.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35The smoke alarm overdoes it, doesn't it? EEEEEHHHH.
0:30:35 > 0:30:36For some toast, really?
0:30:36 > 0:30:38LAUGHTER
0:30:38 > 0:30:41The panic that ensues after the smoke alarm's gone off. Too much!
0:30:41 > 0:30:46People lose their minds. Open a window, open a window. Quickly!
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Open the door, open the door. Start trying to physically push out smoke.
0:30:49 > 0:30:55You look insane. Come on, come on. Quickly. Quicker. Tea towel.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Where's the tea towel. Have you got a tea towel?
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Where's the tea towel? What is it with the tea towel?
0:31:00 > 0:31:03Who's ever seen the Fire Brigade turn up. "We've got this."
0:31:03 > 0:31:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Well, this next guy I've worked with many times. I love him.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19He makes me laugh more than anyone. Please welcome, Paul Chowdhry.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23APPLAUSE
0:31:27 > 0:31:29What's happening, white people?
0:31:29 > 0:31:30CHEERING
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Any Scottish people in tonight?
0:31:32 > 0:31:33CHEERING
0:31:33 > 0:31:35I love Scottish people.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Very close family community. Very community driven society in Scotland.
0:31:38 > 0:31:39It's like Indian people.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43I went to India recently to get some Scottish whisky for my dad.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44LAUGHTER
0:31:45 > 0:31:49And they don't import the whisky from Scotland. They imitate it.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51So I said to this guy, "Is this Scottish whisky?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53He said, "It is Scot-ish."
0:31:53 > 0:31:56LAUGHTER
0:31:56 > 0:31:57"Scot-ish."
0:31:57 > 0:31:59LAUGHTER
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Meat has become so cheap now.
0:32:02 > 0:32:03Kebabs, so cheap.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06You think kebabs are so cheap, no-one's going to want to steal it.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10But in Glasgow...
0:32:10 > 0:32:14Thieves stole £70 worth of kebab meat.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17That's an entire doner kebab...
0:32:17 > 0:32:20was dragged through the streets, covered in shit.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22And then they stole it.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26LAUGHTER
0:32:26 > 0:32:28But they didn't touch the salad.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER
0:32:29 > 0:32:32"Paul, get the salad." "I'm not freakin' gay!"
0:32:32 > 0:32:34LAUGHTER
0:32:34 > 0:32:37So, we had the Olympics. 29 gold medals.
0:32:38 > 0:32:4029 gold medals.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44The Kenyan's, they won... A lot of them weren't even taking part.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Some woman went out to get a pint of milk.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49LAUGHTER
0:32:49 > 0:32:52"Every time I go and buy a pint of milk somebody gives me a gold medal."
0:32:52 > 0:32:55LAUGHTER
0:32:57 > 0:33:01"I went to see my friend, I got a silver and a bronze."
0:33:01 > 0:33:03LAUGHTER
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Now we've got the Paralympics.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10I was chosen to perform for Paralympic GB.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14I was very nervous cos I wasn't sure whether I'd get
0:33:14 > 0:33:15a good parking space.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:21 > 0:33:22I got one.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25LAUGHTER
0:33:25 > 0:33:27So they finally caught Saif Gaddafi,
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Colonel Gaddafi's son.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Because they found him, they cut his hand off.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Bin Laden's right-hand man, they cut his leg off.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38In the Middle East all these terrorists have parts of their body missing.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40I want to play the Middle Eastern version of Guess Who?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42LAUGHTER
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Has he got legs? No.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48LAUGHTER
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Has he got arms? Yes.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51LAUGHTER
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Has he got eyes? No. Is it Fatima?
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Yeah, that's the bitch.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:57 > 0:33:58Thank you.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Thanks for being a great crowd.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06APPLAUSE
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Paul Chowdhry!
0:34:11 > 0:34:13It is an honour for me to bring out the next guy.
0:34:13 > 0:34:18He's a gentleman, he's brilliant. Please welcome Simon Evans.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22APPLAUSE
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Good evening. Folks. How are you, are you well?
0:34:28 > 0:34:29- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Marvellous. Olympic fortnight as Paul was referencing there
0:34:32 > 0:34:34and I just want to take this opportunity addressing,
0:34:34 > 0:34:37as I am, a large, and largely Scottish audience to say
0:34:37 > 0:34:39thank you so much to the people of Scotland
0:34:39 > 0:34:42for your huge contribution to the medal haul which Team GB achieved.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Apparently, I was reading one of these articles
0:34:46 > 0:34:49they write in the paper, one of these sort of hypothetical scenarios.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53They were saying that if Scotland were a country...
0:34:53 > 0:34:56LAUGHTER
0:34:56 > 0:34:58I know, bear with me.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Apparently your medal haul would have been somewhere between Germany
0:35:01 > 0:35:03and Yorkshire, or something like that.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06But, no, it was very impressive, it really was, marvellous.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10And I realise of course, Scotland is an entirely independent country.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12It's very much on the agenda now
0:35:12 > 0:35:15and many high-profile supporters. Sean Connery for one
0:35:15 > 0:35:17and he should know because he lives in the Bahamas.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19LAUGHTER
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Which has been independent from Britain for a long time now
0:35:21 > 0:35:23and is lovely and warm and sunny as a result.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24So...
0:35:26 > 0:35:28I assure you, if you do achieve independence,
0:35:28 > 0:35:33I shall be the first to toast your success with a fine Indian scotch.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34But...
0:35:34 > 0:35:36LAUGHTER
0:35:36 > 0:35:38It did put sports events in a different light, the Olympics.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40It cast a bad light on football.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44On Premiership football in the UK, I think. I have always granted this.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47I say football serves a valuable purpose.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50Without doubt, it draws the poison from the High Street.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52LAUGHTER
0:35:52 > 0:35:54On a Saturday afternoon.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Honest, decent citizens are able to go about their business
0:35:58 > 0:36:04knowing that the underclass have been lured into some vast keeping pen.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08On the outskirts of town.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Where they are encouraged to focus their hatred and tribal aggression
0:36:13 > 0:36:17on one another for a couple of hours and leave the rest of us in peace.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21It's extraordinary. You put half of them in different coloured shirts
0:36:21 > 0:36:26and they go at each other, like budgerigars and mirrors. Fantastic. APPLAUSE
0:36:26 > 0:36:29I was taken to a match recently.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Chelsea FC in the south-west of London.
0:36:32 > 0:36:38A huge stadium full of grown men, all dressed in replica kit, the names of their favourite players on the back.
0:36:38 > 0:36:43Very much as my son will wear a Spiderman outfit when he goes to see a movie about him.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45I went dressed as a grown-up.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52In a nice three-piece Norfolk tweed.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56Apparently I was the one in fancy dress, judging by the way they were pointing at me.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59And they were led out by John Terry, of course.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02He was standing trial at that time and was no longer England captain
0:37:02 > 0:37:07because he was awaiting trial for allegedly calling another player on the field of play
0:37:07 > 0:37:10in the BBC Three version and effing black C word.
0:37:10 > 0:37:15The irony is out of that self-censored remark, the only word at issue was the word black.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18The rest was fine, apparently.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20I've never liked John Terry,
0:37:20 > 0:37:23for many of the same reasons I don't like skiing.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Strikes me as vulgar, waste of money, likely to break your legs
0:37:26 > 0:37:29and his eyes are too close together.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32I'll leave you on that crossword clue. Thank you very much.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36Have a wonderful festival. APPLAUSE
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Simon Evans. Yes.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Brilliant.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Go crazy, go wild for the fantastic Rob Beckett.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51APPLAUSE
0:37:51 > 0:37:54- Hello. We all right? AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58Good. I'm Rob. I'm working class. Any working class in?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- Yeah.- Middle-class? - Yeah.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05It's confusing, class, if you're not sure you can do a little test to see if you're working class.
0:38:05 > 0:38:10You're normally working class if your television is bigger than your bookcase.
0:38:11 > 0:38:16That's how it works. So you have a 50 inch plasma on the wall
0:38:16 > 0:38:22and then a bookcase from IKEA next to it, with DVDs on it normally.
0:38:24 > 0:38:29Sometimes books. Books like, Oi, I Know The Kray Twins, You Mug. Stuff like that.
0:38:29 > 0:38:34Or a copy of Da Vinci Code when your mum got a bit cocky.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37"I will read it. All the girls have been talking about it."
0:38:37 > 0:38:41"No, you won't." The girls are her mates. I don't know why she calls them the girls.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43There's five of them, combined age of 298.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47The first time I ever properly knew I was working class, I remember
0:38:47 > 0:38:51reading an interview with this posh bloke, asked what his hobbies were.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54He put down rowing. I read it as "rah-wing".
0:39:00 > 0:39:06I was like, "He loves kicking off, this bloke, doesn't he? He's telling the paper, I like a tear-up."
0:39:06 > 0:39:11Steve Redgrave as well, you wouldn't have thought it, would you?
0:39:11 > 0:39:16My mum didn't have big expectations for me and my four brothers. Russ, Darren, Joe and Dan.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19She gave us names she said that we could live up to.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22You can't be called Sebastian and be a plumber.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26It don't work. You wouldn't trust it. Imagine ringing up and going, "Can I have a plumber?"
0:39:26 > 0:39:29"Sebastian will be with you in the morning."
0:39:29 > 0:39:33"Sebastian?! I want a plumber, not the managing director.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37"It's not Undercover Bosses, I've got a leak."
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Sebastian's got to work all day with someone.
0:39:40 > 0:39:45If he's in the van with Terry, they're not going to get on.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49Terry is there. "Who's the U bend for? Who needs it?"
0:39:49 > 0:39:52"It's whom, Terry." "Shut up, Sebastian."
0:39:54 > 0:39:58"I'm sick of it, mate. Peppermint tea in the caff. What are you thinking?"
0:40:00 > 0:40:05My girlfriend gets a bit embarrassed about me as well because I've got a very middle-class girlfriend.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09She used to be upper-class but we're together now.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14Her sister's got a boyfriend called Rupert.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Rupert. As in the name.
0:40:19 > 0:40:25I'm not having a go, it's a decent name. I just never thought I'd meet one.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30The thing is, the difference between my girlfriend's family and my family is so apparent.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32In my house, on a Saturday night, we'll watch telly,
0:40:32 > 0:40:35You've Been Framed, eating dinner off our laps.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Bit of a chavvy way to have your dinner. But we like it.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42You go round my girlfriend's house, they sit in the conservatory,
0:40:42 > 0:40:47there's a table big enough for everyone, they have wine, talk about politics
0:40:47 > 0:40:50and I started thinking, "This is how we're supposed to do dinner. It's nice."
0:40:50 > 0:40:56After ten minutes, I realise, I haven't got an opinion and I'd quite like to see a dog fall in a puddle.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00I've been Rob Beckett. Be lucky. See you soon. Cheers. Bye.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03APPLAUSE
0:41:04 > 0:41:08Rob Beckett. Yes.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Up next, a very good friend of mine. She's been smashing Edinburgh.
0:41:11 > 0:41:17- I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Suzi Ruffell. - APPLAUSE
0:41:17 > 0:41:21Good evening, Edinburgh. How are we doing? Are we well?
0:41:21 > 0:41:25Give me a cheer if you're drinking tonight. CHEERS
0:41:25 > 0:41:30I've been drinking too much at the festival. I've woken up too many times at this festival like this.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34"Oh, God. Oh, God, this is it. This might be how I go.
0:41:34 > 0:41:39"My tombstone might actually say Suzi Ruffell, Jagered to death."
0:41:39 > 0:41:43My next thought when I'm that hungover, anxiety is off the charts
0:41:43 > 0:41:48because I'm worried about what happened the night before. And do you know how I find out what happened?
0:41:48 > 0:41:52Online banking. Let's find out what happened last night.
0:41:52 > 0:41:57I've spent £106 in a Wetherspoon's.
0:41:58 > 0:42:04How did I spend £106 in a Wetherspoon's?
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Do I now own a Wetherspoon's?
0:42:06 > 0:42:12We're drawing to the end of the festival now. I'm kind of ready to go home. I'm getting a bit homesick.
0:42:12 > 0:42:17I'm looking forward to having a week at home with my mum and dad. I had to go home recently.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20My dad rang me up in the middle of the night, he said,
0:42:20 > 0:42:25"You've got to get home as quickly as you possibly can. Your nan has had a fall." I thought the worst.
0:42:25 > 0:42:29I got down there as quickly as I could. When I got there, she was in the hospital.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32I walked in, there she was.
0:42:32 > 0:42:37She was blue, bruised, she looked horrendous. I walked in, she opened her eyes and she recognised me.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40And then she beckoned me towards her.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43I thought, "My nan is about to impart some sort of wisdom on me.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47"She's about to tell me what 80 years on this Earth has taught her."
0:42:47 > 0:42:49She took off her air mask and said,
0:42:49 > 0:42:54"See that woman over there?
0:42:55 > 0:43:00"See how she's got a really long neck?
0:43:01 > 0:43:05"The whole of her family are like that."
0:43:07 > 0:43:13And then she put her mask back on. It was like, "Nurse, she is gossiping. I think she's ready to go home."
0:43:13 > 0:43:17She was in her 80s, that was all she was really living for.
0:43:17 > 0:43:23Not long before she died, me and my cousins were around her bed and she was in and out of consciousness.
0:43:23 > 0:43:27None of us knew what to do until my cousin Holly had the best idea.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31She leant in and went, "Nan, Nan, guess who's got fat."
0:43:31 > 0:43:34Boom. She stayed with us for another two weeks.
0:43:34 > 0:43:39Incredible. Her last words were quite special.
0:43:39 > 0:43:44She looked my dad square the eyes and said, "Tell that nurse she needs a bra."
0:43:44 > 0:43:49If you need any more convincing that old people don't care any more,
0:43:49 > 0:43:51go to your local leisure centre.
0:43:51 > 0:43:56There will always be one old lady in there completely naked, no matter what time of the day it is.
0:43:56 > 0:44:02I'm starting to think she lives inside a locker and waits for people. "Hello, here I am!"
0:44:02 > 0:44:07She'll have a bush that rivals Kew Gardens, just massive. She'll keep things in there.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11She'll have a pound for her locker, her swimming costume, she'll get out of it.
0:44:11 > 0:44:15She was on her way to an aqua aerobics class.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18I'd never been to an aqua aerobics class,
0:44:18 > 0:44:20but if you haven't been,
0:44:20 > 0:44:24what it is is old ladies slow motion dancing, immersed in water.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26At my gym, they thought they would couple this
0:44:26 > 0:44:29with hard house dance music.
0:44:29 > 0:44:35The music they put on was something like, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh, mm-tsh.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38And just old ladies doing this.
0:44:44 > 0:44:48It was like a rave scene from Cocoon. They were moving so slowly,
0:44:48 > 0:44:51if you had swapped water for formaldehyde, put it in the Tate,
0:44:51 > 0:44:54everyone would have thought it was Damien Hirst.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57It was a piece of art, a genuinely was.
0:44:57 > 0:45:01You have been delightful. My name is Suzi Ruffell. Thank you. Good night.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03APPLAUSE
0:45:03 > 0:45:06Suzi Ruffell.
0:45:06 > 0:45:10This next act is a very good friend of mine.
0:45:10 > 0:45:15I've been touring the country with him. He makes me laugh so much. Give it up for Marlon Davis.
0:45:15 > 0:45:18APPLAUSE
0:45:20 > 0:45:23Hello.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26- Hello, Edinburgh. You all well? AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29I'm OK myself. I've been up here for the Fringe Festival.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32I have to keep in contact with my mum back home.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34I call home and I cross my fingers,
0:45:34 > 0:45:37hoping that my stepfather doesn't answer the phone.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39You guys don't know him,
0:45:39 > 0:45:43but he's kind of like Trigger from Only Fools And Horses.
0:45:43 > 0:45:47He's a nice guy but... I phone home, I'm like, "Hello."
0:45:47 > 0:45:49"Hello. Who is it?"
0:45:49 > 0:45:53"It's Marlon." "Marlon? Marlon is not here."
0:45:56 > 0:46:00"Yeah, I know. It's me." "It's me? Who is it's me?
0:46:00 > 0:46:02"Is this a prank call?
0:46:02 > 0:46:06"Who is this?" I'm like, "Jesus, man!" "Jesus?
0:46:06 > 0:46:12"On the phone? I didn't know it was going to be like this.
0:46:12 > 0:46:17"What do you want?" "Is my mum there?" "Mary?" "No!"
0:46:23 > 0:46:25Wrong telephone number.
0:46:25 > 0:46:29All of us in this room right now, even in these credit crunchy times,
0:46:29 > 0:46:33it's still great because this is the best time ever to be alive right now.
0:46:33 > 0:46:37The best time ever. You've got all these things that's available to us.
0:46:37 > 0:46:39You've got things like the iPhone.
0:46:39 > 0:46:43And I say the iPhone, you're like, "Uh." It's the iPhone, synonymous with our culture right now.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47That's how we live. But the iPhone is amazing. The way how it is.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50It came out in 2007.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53I don't know what my life was like before the iPhone.
0:46:53 > 0:46:54I had to Google it.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59Because we Google everything right now.
0:46:59 > 0:47:01We don't think for ourselves whatsoever at all.
0:47:01 > 0:47:06You have an argument with someone, I'm right, you're wrong, I'm right, you're wrong. We Google it.
0:47:06 > 0:47:10Even if I'm sick, I go online now to the web doctor,
0:47:10 > 0:47:12find out what's wrong with me instantly.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15Something was wrong with me around this area,
0:47:15 > 0:47:17didn't know what it was, typed it out into Google,
0:47:17 > 0:47:18turns out I've got a bad knee.
0:47:18 > 0:47:25I found out straight away. It's a bad knee. I don't actually have to think for myself. It's great.
0:47:25 > 0:47:29It's fast, it's efficient. I hate going to the real doctors.
0:47:29 > 0:47:34I've been filling out forms for my whole entire life saying this person is my doctor.
0:47:34 > 0:47:39I ain't seen the shyster since I've been three years old. Who is this guy?
0:47:39 > 0:47:43Every time I go to the doctors it's another person sat in his seat,
0:47:43 > 0:47:47"How can I help you?" By finding my bloody doctor.
0:47:47 > 0:47:53That's what I want to say, but I turn into a wimp. "No, the problem hurts me around this area."
0:47:53 > 0:47:57He goes, "Let me have a look at it." I close my eyes and I'm wincing.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00No-one's touched my leg for at least a minute.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02I open my eyes and he's on Google.
0:48:04 > 0:48:08"What are you doing?" "I don't know. It turns out you've got a bad knee."
0:48:08 > 0:48:13Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Marlon Davis. Thank you very much. Good night.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15APPLAUSE
0:48:18 > 0:48:20Marlon Davis.
0:48:21 > 0:48:22Yes.
0:48:22 > 0:48:26Next up, please welcome a very funny man, a good friend of mine,
0:48:26 > 0:48:28fantastic comedian, John Gordillo.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30APPLAUSE
0:48:35 > 0:48:39Hello. Good evening. Thank you very much.
0:48:39 > 0:48:42I'm watching all of the different shows and posters.
0:48:42 > 0:48:46Everything just has sensational reviews. Everything has five stars.
0:48:46 > 0:48:50How can you decide what's good? It's not like the Fringe,
0:48:50 > 0:48:54there's something for everyone. It's that there's someone for everything.
0:48:54 > 0:48:58That's the reality of the situation. And anything can be reviewed.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01There is nothing that cannot get a review.
0:49:01 > 0:49:04If you buy a book off Amazon, you can review the book,
0:49:04 > 0:49:08but it's more screwed up because you can leave reviews
0:49:08 > 0:49:12for the person who put the book in the envelope.
0:49:12 > 0:49:16And sent it. They get a review. People are reviewing that.
0:49:16 > 0:49:19You go and you have a look at these reviews,
0:49:19 > 0:49:22every review on there is five stars.
0:49:22 > 0:49:27I'm sure not sure you understand the true abhorrence that I feel as a comedian right now.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30Do you realise what it takes to take get a five star review in our game?
0:49:30 > 0:49:32That's impossible.
0:49:32 > 0:49:36You need jokes, delivery, structure, the X factor...
0:49:36 > 0:49:41You can't give five stars to a man putting a book in an envelope.
0:49:43 > 0:49:47There aren't five things to do in the whole... I'm just going to read...
0:49:47 > 0:49:52I just copied some of the reviews down. Genuine reviews.
0:49:52 > 0:49:57"Five stars, well sealed and correctly addressed."
0:50:03 > 0:50:07"Five stars, item arrived as described."
0:50:09 > 0:50:13How is having your most basic expectations met a five-star experience?
0:50:13 > 0:50:18What do you have to get to get four stars? "Book did not arrive, four stars."
0:50:20 > 0:50:24"Five stars, I don't know how they do it."
0:50:25 > 0:50:30I've copied something out of the paper the other day. I'd like to read it to you.
0:50:30 > 0:50:35"Mieczyslaw Weinberg wrote much impassioned music in Moscow during his lifetime.
0:50:36 > 0:50:41"His 1967 Requiem had to wait 45 years for its UK premiere
0:50:41 > 0:50:45"last Saturday in a meticulously delivered recital
0:50:45 > 0:50:51"by the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra, the choristers of Liverpool Cathedral
0:50:51 > 0:50:56"and an outstanding Lithuanian soprano, Asmik Grigorian.
0:50:57 > 0:51:02"Tolling bells underline dark passages
0:51:02 > 0:51:06"and the overall mood is of numbed bleakness.
0:51:06 > 0:51:11"This feels like a Requiem, not just for one's soul
0:51:11 > 0:51:15"but for a self-destructive species.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17"Three stars."
0:51:20 > 0:51:22APPLAUSE
0:51:32 > 0:51:35But a man puts a book in an envelope...
0:51:37 > 0:51:40Thank you very much. Have a great festival.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43APPLAUSE
0:51:43 > 0:51:45John Gordillo.
0:51:47 > 0:51:50Give it up for this next guy. He's been ripping Edinburgh.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53You're going to love him. Hal Cruttenden.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55APPLAUSE
0:51:56 > 0:52:02Thank you very much. Lovely to be here. Lovely to be in Edinburgh.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05It's not as rough as Glasgow, is it?
0:52:06 > 0:52:09You think you are. "We've got a terrible heroin problem."
0:52:09 > 0:52:14But you've also got the biggest arts festival in the world here.
0:52:14 > 0:52:18You can't help but be a little bit Sheila Showbiz, can you?
0:52:19 > 0:52:23It is lovely. I love Scotland. I love the Scottish accent.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25A lot of English people are frightened of it.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28I'm not. I'm married to a Northern Irish woman.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31That is the most frightening accent in the world.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35My wife scares me when she's being loving. "I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!"
0:52:35 > 0:52:38"OK, great, Cheers."
0:52:38 > 0:52:41"I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU!"
0:52:41 > 0:52:44"OK, we'll do that."
0:52:48 > 0:52:49"I FEEL SAFE WHEN I'M WITH YOU!"
0:52:51 > 0:52:53"That's ironic. Erm..."
0:52:55 > 0:53:00They've got a north-south divide in Ireland, we have a north-south divide in England actually.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03Any northern English people here? Yeah?
0:53:03 > 0:53:07Do you believe in the north-south divide in England? I do.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Let's build a wall, make it official. Yeah?
0:53:09 > 0:53:12Obviously, you can build it. We'll pay for it.
0:53:16 > 0:53:20It's based on stereotypes. All this is based on stereotypes.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23I have relatives from Grimsby who come to London where I live
0:53:23 > 0:53:26and they look for it to fulfil its stereotype.
0:53:26 > 0:53:32They walk round London going, "It's so unfriendly. No-one chats to each other."
0:53:32 > 0:53:36I say to them, "Why this constant need to chat in Grimsby?
0:53:38 > 0:53:44"If there was a little less chat and a bit more reading...
0:53:47 > 0:53:53"Grimsby could be a cultural and economic superpower, it really could."
0:53:53 > 0:53:59But there's an assumption that London's unfriendly, London is rich. London has rich people.
0:53:59 > 0:54:04It also has the biggest concentration of poverty in the UK. Not me, thank God. God, no.
0:54:06 > 0:54:11No, no. This goes tits up, Mummy bails me out.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17But we've had the Olympics, of course, in London.
0:54:17 > 0:54:22Scotland got a quarter of Team GB's gold medals.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24CHEERING
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Aren't you sporty...
0:54:26 > 0:54:28when you steer clear of football?
0:54:32 > 0:54:38No, it does make... It was so exciting to see people in minority sports. They're so excited.
0:54:38 > 0:54:42So many of our top sports people in the well-known sports are so dull.
0:54:42 > 0:54:46Tennis players are such dull whingers.
0:54:46 > 0:54:48Even Andy Murray, I know he's lovely.
0:54:48 > 0:54:52He's shown emotion this year but most of the time he's just a dull whinger.
0:54:52 > 0:54:54He is.
0:54:54 > 0:54:57"My backhand wasn't going so well and I wasn't moving around the court
0:54:57 > 0:55:00"and I tried to grow a beard. It's just bumfluff."
0:55:05 > 0:55:09"I don't even like tennis. I'm just too scared to tell my mum."
0:55:15 > 0:55:19She is frightening, isn't she? "Win for me, Andy! For me!"
0:55:23 > 0:55:25Tennis players, they're boring.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27Footballers are of course the biggest bastards.
0:55:27 > 0:55:33As an Englishman, it's very hard to support the England football team. They're such a bunch of bastards.
0:55:33 > 0:55:37You watch them walk out on the field before the game, they all walk out
0:55:37 > 0:55:40with a small child, little mascot, to show that they're nice guys.
0:55:40 > 0:55:46Those are children from extramarital affairs. You know that, don't you?
0:55:47 > 0:55:53It's the only time they see them. They're walking out, "How was school?
0:55:53 > 0:55:55"Is school going well" "Who are you?" They're bastards!
0:55:55 > 0:55:58APPLAUSE
0:55:58 > 0:56:01You've been lovely. Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:56:01 > 0:56:06APPLAUSE
0:56:06 > 0:56:10Hal Cruttenden. We love Hal.
0:56:10 > 0:56:14Ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant, thanks for watching.
0:56:14 > 0:56:18I've been Seann Walsh. This has been Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Good night.
0:56:18 > 0:56:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:24 > 0:56:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd