0:00:22 > 0:00:25It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Please welcome your host, Josh Widdicombe!
0:00:30 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Good evening!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Yes, Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live, are we well?- Yes!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44My highlight of the festival so far was I was in a bookshop on the high street
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and I heard a woman on the phone to a friend go,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"Come and meet me. Where am I? I'm in a shop."
0:00:50 > 0:00:53"What's it called? Er, Waterspoons."
0:00:55 > 0:00:58If there were ever two shops that shouldn't be combined, it's those!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Those are two very different levels.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03"Where shall I meet you?" "Kentucky Fried Specsavers."
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I was thinking about it, cos I've just moved.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11I've moved near one of those Wetherspoons that's trying to be a bit posh.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16One of the things they've done is on one wall they have shelves of classic hardback novels.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Who is that for?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Who's going in and going, "Finally, I can combine my twin interests
0:01:22 > 0:01:26"of Charles Dickens and Jagerbombs!"?
0:01:26 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"I've just been on a two-week bender." "What did you do?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"I read Martin Chuzzlewit."
0:01:32 > 0:01:35"And I had two curry clubs. It was the best fortnight of my life!"
0:01:35 > 0:01:37If I am drinking, I don't want to read.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39If it's 11pm and I'm hammered,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42never do I go, "Let's hit the library with this one!"
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Waking up the next day going, "Bloody hell, I only went out for a short story
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"and I read three novels. I am absolutely mental."
0:01:51 > 0:01:56I do still read books. I haven't got a Kindle. I don't trust technology.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I think technology's making things more difficult.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I don't know if you've tried signing for a parcel recently.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04KNOWING LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:05It used to be simple, didn't it?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Pen, piece of paper - lovely.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Now what I get is a digital screen
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and a plastic stick!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15And all I can do is a zig-zag up and down line!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:22It bears no relation to any signature anyone has ever done in their life!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Is that your signature? No.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It looks like the Mark of Zorro!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Are there people checking this at the Post Office,
0:02:32 > 0:02:33going, "I have bad news -
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Zorro is back.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39"And he's signing for every parcel in the United Kingdom!"
0:02:41 > 0:02:44We didn't have technology like this when I was growing up.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47The closest I got to advanced technology when I was growing up
0:02:47 > 0:02:51was putting a buttercup underneath another child's chin!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54To see if it reflected back and they liked butter.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Correct me if I'm wrong. If you're that close, just ask!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04No-one's keeping that information to themselves.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"Steve, do you like butter?" "Not telling you that, mate! It's a secret!"
0:03:07 > 0:03:10No-one's being interrogated about that at Guantanamo Bay.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"He's not cracking under questioning. Fetch the buttercup!
0:03:13 > 0:03:18"Don't worry. He's tied down with a daisy chain. He is going nowhere."
0:03:18 > 0:03:23"How long has he been here? Let me check by blowing the seeds off this dandelion.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"Since one o'clock."
0:03:27 > 0:03:29What is the use? The only use I can think
0:03:29 > 0:03:31is if you're making breakfast for a mute.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34In that case, a buttercup's very useful indeed.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36What do you want on your toast?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'll go and get the Anchor. Thank you very much, Mr Buttercup!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Are we ready for our first act of the night?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51He's a Edinburgh Festival institution.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53You'll love him. The wonderful Mark Watson!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Thank you!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Lovely big crowd, big theatre and everything.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07My granddad would have been proud of this.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11My granddad used to sometimes give me a bit of a pep talk,
0:04:11 > 0:04:12like your granddad does.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16He'd say, "Mark, you might not be the cleverest boy in the school,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"you might not leave with the best grades.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"You might not get the best job, earn the most money.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25"You might not drive the fastest car, have the most beautiful children,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29"have the most glamorous wife, the most spectacular holidays.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"You might not have the most amazing life.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Anyway, good luck!"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I myself am a dad now. What a responsibility!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42By God, people make you feel inadequate a lot when you're a dad.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Some of you, I'm sure. Who's got a baby or a kid?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47SPARSE CHEERS Precisely. You can no longer do anything with your life.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50All of you that replied "yes" are at home.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You know, it's hard.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54They cry an awful lot.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Babies are lovely, but they're idiots. This is the elephant in the room.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02They don't know anything, they overreact massively to situations with clear solutions...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06They've never got any money on them.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09People are always looking at you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11As a mum, you at least look capable.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13As a dad, you've never got the right blanket,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15you've not got tits - you just look like an idiot.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19You're pushing the baby along and someone will look at you -
0:05:19 > 0:05:20I mean pushing him in a pram, obviously!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22If you're shoving him face-down into a sandpit
0:05:22 > 0:05:25then you can expect some negative feedback.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I mean, everything is logged and registered these days.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Our kid was in a census, two years ago. He was four months old.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36So they sent him a form. He didn't get round to doing it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39They sent him, genuinely, another form, with a letter saying,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43"We will fine you £1,000", which is a lot of money for a baby.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Once more, he took it really badly.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I came downstairs, he was sobbing, putting some teddy bears on eBay.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54So I rang them and said, "You're not going to get this form back. He's four months old."
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Even then, I had to fill it out. They wouldn't just let it go.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00They said, "Name, fine. Age, four months."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Question three. "What is his usual occupation?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Or, "How does he spend the majority of his time in the UK?"
0:06:07 > 0:06:12"Well, sitting in front of the TV, sliding around in his own poo, basically."
0:06:12 > 0:06:14So they've got him down as "student" now.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Obviously, you become paranoid. What if I'm raising a bad kid?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23What if he's a racist? I'm worried he could be a racist.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27It's early days. He's only four months at the time this happened,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29but it's happened three times, actually,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33that he's seen a black guy and been very hostile to them.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35The first time, he was trying to get out of his pram
0:06:35 > 0:06:37to hit this guy in the face.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Luckily, the guy was really nice, he made a joke of it.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42He said, "Oh! Your son's obviously a racist."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Which, certainly in London, is a brave joke to make about a stranger's kid,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48but it worked, it broke the ice, we all relaxed.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Fine. Second time it happened, I made the same joke. Not as funny.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58You have to be the black guy in the equation for that joke to work, really.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00By the third time I was expecting it, I was ready.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04I said, "Oh, it's not just you, he does this with all black people."
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Even that didn't defuse the tension the way I'd hoped.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11What am I going to do in terms of setting an example to a kid?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I'm a terrible person. I'm always on my own, touring,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16getting drunk in some hotel -
0:07:16 > 0:07:18which is quite easy to do, to be fair.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20You'll know this. If you're on your own,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23you have these little rhymes in your head to reassure you.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I'm sure you grew up with these like I did.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"Beer before wine, you should be fine.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Wine before beer, you should be fine."
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Yes. Surprising how many of them end in "fine".
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Two bottles of wine, crying and masturbating in a Durham Travelodge.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Fine!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I should say that last bit was a joke.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Travelodge! Good Lord, I've got some pride!
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Thanks very much for listening. My name's Mark Watson. Thank you! Bye!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Mark Watson!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:08:00 > 0:08:04He's brilliant, one of my favourites. Please welcome Neil Delamere!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Hello, Edinburgh. Great to be back in Edinburgh
0:08:11 > 0:08:13where an audience will screw you over
0:08:13 > 0:08:14if you ask them the wrong question.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I did a gig last night and said to the guy in the front row,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"Have you ever played a practical joke on your missus?" He went, "Oh, yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23"She loves ballet, so I said we'll go to the ballet,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"but we went to something completely different."
0:08:26 > 0:08:27I said, "When was that?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He went, "Tonight."
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I said, "Have you ever played a practical joke on your husband?" She said, "Yeah, yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"He thinks the eldest is his!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:39And she went, "Oh!"
0:08:39 > 0:08:43It was horrible, cos they were my parents. So, erm...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It's not my first time here. Last year I came here and bought a bike.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's a great city for that. Edinburgh's the only city in the world
0:08:50 > 0:08:55where your cycle both to and from any destination is entirely uphill!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I don't know how you manage that. It's like an Escher painting in this bleeding town.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04So I got the bike and I was cycling up, you know the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07you know it's quite stressful for us in a comedic way.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10We pay for our posters to be put up and our flyers to be handed out.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13So on the last night I was cycling home, hammered.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17I don't normally do this. Breaking red lights at four in the morning,
0:09:17 > 0:09:21when I became suspicious that there might be a police car behind me.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Because I could see that there was a police car behind me.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I'm quite bright like that. And he pulled me over.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I don't know why he stopped me - I don't know how he saw me,
0:09:31 > 0:09:32I didn't have any lights.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37He pulled me over and he started with the questions,
0:09:37 > 0:09:38halfway down Leith Walk.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42He started with a question. Cops all over the world like to start with a question,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44in case you give more away accidentally.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Has it ever worked for them ever before?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49You're pulled over in a bus lane. "Do you know why I stopped you?"
0:09:49 > 0:09:50"Is this about the murder?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Oh, it's not?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Oh, I think I've said too much!"
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Don't check the boot."
0:10:04 > 0:10:06He goes, "Do you know how many red lights you broke? Seven.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10"The one at Royal Mile and South Bridge, that's a dangerous junction."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I did what any Irish person does abroad - you think,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"If he knows I'm Irish and foreign, I might get away with this."
0:10:14 > 0:10:18So I went, "Begorrah, Bejasus, a-fiddley-diddly-diddly-dee"
0:10:18 > 0:10:20and River Danced away from the bicycle.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24He heard the accent and he went,
0:10:24 > 0:10:28"Oh, would you cycle through a red light at home, would you?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I went, "No, Officer, no!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34HE SLURS: "I've got a car at home."
0:10:34 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:41He said, "Why did you break the red light?"
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"What a stupid question. Cos the green one was making me homesick."
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He said, "That's a £60 fine now, if I were a total bastard."
0:10:53 > 0:10:55So I went, "So it's a £60 fine, then?"
0:10:55 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:03He didn't laugh like you're laughing, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I don't know if you've ever gotten a police escort to a bank machine...
0:11:12 > 0:11:16I took the £60 out. You're cycling along, he's driving behind you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20You've a big heavy bike and he's driving a squad car at two miles an hour.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23You're stopping at every red light cos you're not a total gobshite.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27But you're still pissed enough to go, "Will we race?!"
0:11:29 > 0:11:31He's still not laughing.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I withdraw the £60. I hand it to him. I want no record of this, though.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37He goes, "What's your name?" "J-John Smith."
0:11:37 > 0:11:40He goes, "Really? It's an offence to lie to a police officer."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"No, it's John Smith. Write it down, copper!"
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Cos I was getting excited at this point. "Write it down!"
0:11:45 > 0:11:47He goes, "If your name's John Smith, why does it say
0:11:47 > 0:11:51"Neil Delamere" on that poster with your picture behind your head?"
0:11:51 > 0:11:56I had stopped in front of my own Edinburgh Fringe Festival poster.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I was so embarrassed. He was livid!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02The people in my rickshaw...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to talk to you tonight.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I'm Neil Delamere. Thanks very much. Bye-bye!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Neil Delamere!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Are you ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21He's an Edinburgh legend.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Please welcome the wonderful David O'Doherty!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36PLAYS A FEW CHORDS
0:12:38 > 0:12:40This song is called Life.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42# Life, life
0:12:42 > 0:12:44# Life, life-life
0:12:46 > 0:12:48# Lifey-lifey-life
0:12:48 > 0:12:50# Life, life
0:12:51 > 0:12:55# Life, life-life...oh no
0:12:55 > 0:12:58# Eugh! Oh, God!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02# Oh, no, actually, it's OK!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03# Oh, no it's not
0:13:03 > 0:13:06# Oh, God, no, aghh!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09# No, really?! This again?! Aghh!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11# And then you die.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# Life is a marathon
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Not a sprint
0:13:17 > 0:13:21# But it's a sort of marathon that you have to sprint
0:13:21 > 0:13:25# And there's hurdles and weights to lift
0:13:25 > 0:13:27# And cycling and archery
0:13:27 > 0:13:29# And synchronised swimming and horse dancing
0:13:29 > 0:13:31# Life's basically the Olympics
0:13:31 > 0:13:33# But in the end you don't get a medal
0:13:33 > 0:13:35# You die
0:13:35 > 0:13:38# Life! What are you?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42# Are you just the accumulation of obsolete mobile phone chargers
0:13:42 > 0:13:43# And reusable shopping bags?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45# Current total nine of one
0:13:45 > 0:13:47# Almost 40 of the other
0:13:47 > 0:13:51# I will never need that many shopping bags in my entire life
0:13:51 > 0:13:53# And now they're all stuffed in one cupboard together
0:13:53 > 0:13:56# So if I need to get one out They all avalanche on top of me
0:13:56 > 0:13:59# One time they could actually suffocate me
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# Ironic to be killed by a bag for life
0:14:06 > 0:14:07# Life is hard, you know?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10# But no-one ever talks about it It's never mentioned in songs
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# All songs should have to have some reference to life being hard
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# Within the song
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you
0:14:18 > 0:14:22# But the rate of prostate cancer In men over the age of 85
0:14:22 > 0:14:24# Is 100%
0:14:24 > 0:14:26# It's just benign in some
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# An actual doctor told me that recently, that is true
0:14:29 > 0:14:31# Holy...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# And because no-one talks about it being hard
0:14:35 > 0:14:37# I think you then think you're the only one who finds it hard
0:14:37 > 0:14:39# I bet everyone finds it equally hard
0:14:39 > 0:14:43# I bet once a year Roger Federer is sitting at a change of ends
0:14:43 > 0:14:46# And he looks down at his banana in this hand
0:14:46 > 0:14:47# And his graphite racket in the other
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# And he looks up at the umpire in the high chair
0:14:50 > 0:14:53# And he looks and sees the ring of giant novelty tennis balls
0:14:53 > 0:14:54# Around the top of the stadium
0:14:54 > 0:14:57# And just for a moment, Roger Federer thinks to himself
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# I'm 31 years old
0:14:59 > 0:15:01# What am I doing with my life?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05# This is basically just a game like Hungry Hungry Hippos
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# Don't get me wrong, there's brilliant bits
0:15:09 > 0:15:12# Like when you see someone you haven't seen for a while
0:15:12 > 0:15:14# Or you get drunk unexpectedly
0:15:14 > 0:15:17# You go for a cycle and do drunk cycling
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# Or you go to an incredible Fringe festival
0:15:20 > 0:15:21# Or a show that's amazing
0:15:23 > 0:15:25# But often when you go back outside again
0:15:25 > 0:15:28# You find that someone's set your bike on fire
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# That actually happened to me recently, that is not a metaphor
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# How would you set my bike on fi...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36# Why would you set my bike on fire?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# And it was raining
0:15:39 > 0:15:41# Oh-oh Dublin
0:15:43 > 0:15:46# Somewhere over the rainbow
0:15:46 > 0:15:51# I bet life is just as hard as it is on this side of the rainbow
0:15:51 > 0:15:53# That side you can't even see the bloody rainbow,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55# It's an optical illusion
0:15:55 > 0:15:59# And who knows, it's even more homophobic on that side of the rainbow
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# Let's just stay on this side
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# And let's all of us, even just for tonight
0:16:03 > 0:16:07# Let's all... Let's just try and have a nice time. #
0:16:10 > 0:16:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:19 > 0:16:21David O'Doherty!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Are you ready for our next act?- Yes!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27From Norway, it's the brilliant Daniel Simonsen!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Hello! AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Hey, how you doing?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I'm Daniel. I'm from Norway.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41So that's pretty funny.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:50I'm a comedian. I think stand-up is a little bit stupid.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You know what I mean?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Some guy with a microphone, trying to get the crowd going.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"So, how you guys doing?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03"Is it a good mood in the crowd?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05"Anybody been to the bank?"
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I would never talk like that in real life.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Like if I was in a dinner at somebody's house,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"So, how we doing around the dinner table?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"Enjoying the spaghetti?"
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"Anybody been to the bank?"
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I went to the bank the other day.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33But it was closed, so I went home.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What's so disappointing with that joke
0:17:39 > 0:17:41is that it would have been better if the bank was open.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45And something funny happened.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50But it was just closed, so it really sucks for you guys.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59You know, in Norway, there's only one comedy club in the whole country.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02That nobody goes to.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06And the best Norwegian comedian, he is really shit.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11And he's dressed as a cat on the stage.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"Miaow!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22"Miaow, miaow, miaow."
0:18:22 > 0:18:23And that guy is me.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:31 > 0:18:36I really love to perform in Norway because even when you really suck,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39they pretend they think you're funny,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42because they feel so embarrassed on your behalf.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45They just go, "Ho, ho. Yah!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:49But here in Britain, they just let you die.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54And then they write about you on Twitter.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00I think often people exaggerate how funny things is.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02They come out of a comedy show, they're all pumped.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07"Man, it was the best thing I ever seen in my life.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"I couldn't stop laughing.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11"I thought I was going to die.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"And my balls came out of my mouth."
0:19:17 > 0:19:18My friend always says this.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22He always says, "Man, it was so funny that I shat myself."
0:19:25 > 0:19:28But I think if that actually happened,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30you wouldn't tell it to anybody.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36He'd be sitting there - "Ha-ha-ha! Ha... I have to go home."
0:19:43 > 0:19:48I was talking about cats, right. I live with a cat.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50And he's always throwing up.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54But nothing comes out of his mouth.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57He just makes a noise.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59This is how he throws up.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00"Haaa!"
0:20:02 > 0:20:05All over the furniture. "Haaa!"
0:20:06 > 0:20:08But the couch is spotless afterwards.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13But then I took him to the vet and he said it's not throwing up.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16It's just how he says, "Miaow!"
0:20:20 > 0:20:23He has a speech impediment.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"Haaa!"
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Hey, guys, thank you so much. Take care!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Daniel Simonsen!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Are we ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39She's a star at Edinburgh every year.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Please welcome the wonderful Shappi Khorsandi!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Good evening!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Are you having a nice Edinburgh? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53It's at that fraught time of Edinburgh for me.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54I got very drunk last night.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I don't know if you've ever done this,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58but I snogged a puppeteer.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Like a proper ventriloquist bloke.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I was drunk in The Meadows here, in Edinburgh, at three o'clock in the morning.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10And he started to put his hand up my dress.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I thought, "Mate, you're not at work now!"
0:21:13 > 0:21:17But you know when you're really drunk, and someone's being very persistent,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20eventually you go, "Sod it. If you can't beat them, join them."
0:21:20 > 0:21:22So I went, "That's the way to do it!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Have you ever had one of those nights when you've been so drunk,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and behaved so badly,
0:21:31 > 0:21:36that the next day you're convinced they're going to report it on the news?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37"A 38-year-old mother of one
0:21:37 > 0:21:41"was found upside-down in a wheelie bin outside Edinburgh Waverley station
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"singing I Will Survive.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"Eye-witnesses reported a man of 24..."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49He was 24, for heaven's sake!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I didn't realise that till I saw the news.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56"..calling her a taxi without moving his lips."
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I'm a single mum and it's tough dating when you're a single mum.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Single dads are different.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I hope I'm not insulting any men in the audience,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06but when women see a single dad they often go, "Oh, look at him.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"He's so good with his children.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14"He works so hard. He copes so beautifully with them every other weekend."
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Whereas my ex-boyfriend called my little boy my baggage.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23He's four! He's not baggage, he's hand luggage.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I have an older brother. I'm the second child.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30My brother is the precious first born. Give me a cheer, first-born children.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32CHEERING
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Applauding yourselves. They're the confident first-borns.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You're so confident because you first-born children know
0:22:38 > 0:22:40that the reason you exist
0:22:40 > 0:22:44is cos two people fell so madly in love with one another
0:22:44 > 0:22:48that they decided to create a human being out of that love.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50You are made from love. Well done.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Give me a cheer second-borns, like me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54CHEERING
0:22:54 > 0:22:56We were not made from love.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00We were made to be toys for the first-born.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03The only reason we exist
0:23:03 > 0:23:06is so that the first-born doesn't get bored on holiday!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Give me a cheer, third-born children.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12CHEERING
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Not many photos of you!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23My friend's got three. She goes, "By the time the third one comes,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"you stick it in a bucket and give it barbed wire to chew on."
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I didn't have an easy time when I was a kid.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I was a fat kid at school.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35It was no fun being the fat kid at primary school.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36We used to play kiss-chase.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39It's a horrible game. All the boys would chase
0:23:39 > 0:23:43the cute Lucys and Rebeccas and they wouldn't chase me
0:23:43 > 0:23:45so there was no need for me to run
0:23:45 > 0:23:46so I stayed fat.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49And some of the dinner ladies realised how tough it was
0:23:49 > 0:23:53for us chunky kids and they decided to introduce other games.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Piggy-in-the-middle was not the answer.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I had a teacher at school called Mrs Robertson.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And she changed my life when I was 14.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06She was really old - about 40.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08And she had a face like a discarded Christmas walnut
0:24:08 > 0:24:10and about five teeth.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13And one of the girls in the class was chatting -
0:24:13 > 0:24:15a beautiful girl that all the boys fancied -
0:24:15 > 0:24:18and Mrs Robertson - I'm about to do a terrible Scottish accent -
0:24:18 > 0:24:21she said, "Karen Skelton, stop your chatter.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25"This is an exam year. You have to concentrate on your studies.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"You're not going to have that pretty face forever.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Look what happened to mine!"
0:24:32 > 0:24:34What a gorgeous thing to say.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37And what a beautiful lesson I learned at 14,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39That it's not about being one of the pretty ones.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42What's really important is to know that walnuts can talk.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46You've been a fantastic crowd! Thank you very much!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Shappi Khorsandi!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55CHEERING
0:24:57 > 0:24:59The next act is a favourite. He's brilliant.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Please welcome the wonderful Andrew Lawrence!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Thank you very much! Nice to be here.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I've got a suit on. My agent makes me wear this suit.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16She says, "It makes you look respectable, Andrew."
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Ludicrous! I haven't even got any underpants on! How could I be respectable?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Clothes don't really work for me, to be honest. I've got a peculiar bum.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Trousers/ belt combination don't really work at all.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31I'm out in public, my trousers falling down, pubes hanging out.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Trousers round my ankles. Degrading. The police hassle me.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"I can't do anything about it, Officer. Trousers don't work for me."
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"That's all very well, Mr Lawrence.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Doesn't explain what you're doing in Mothercare."
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I suppose it doesn't.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I know someone who's trying to organise a speed groping night.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Don't know if it'll happen - it's touch and go.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Some of these jokes are just going to be for me, to be honest!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Lovely to be here. Quite a mixed audience. Plenty of young people.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04One or two coffin-dodgers scattered about.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I like it. People get old and then they die.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08That's the nature of existence.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11It was my dad's birthday recently, had to buy him a birthday card.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Very difficult, birthday cards. They're all the same, aren't they?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"To the world's best dad." "To an amazing dad."
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"An incredible mum." "Fantastic mum."
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Lovely sentiments. Sometimes you want something a bit more sincere.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Like, "Dear Mum, you raised me on crispy pancakes,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30stunted my growth, still upset.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32"Happy birthday."
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"Dear Dad, every time I tried to do my homework,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"you'd be in the next room watching TV at full volume.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"Difficult to concentrate. Now I'm an idiot.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43"Happy birthday."
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Lovely to be in Scotland. I love it. Edinburgh, beautiful city.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I could see myself living here. Fortunately, I don't have to.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I can afford London. But if I was...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:27:00But if I was struggling I'd come and live here. Why not?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Give me a cheer if you're Scottish.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03CHEER
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Feel free to hackle me. I can't guarantee
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I'll come back at you with a witty instant put-down.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11A lot of the time I simply can't understand what you people are trying to say.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14IMITATES SCOTTISH ACCENT
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I don't even like shortbread.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Trying to look after myself while I'm in Edinburgh. Failing. I've been eating a lot of junk.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26There's a lot of junk food around, constantly advertised on the television.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"Have you tried new Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"It's the perfect snack before breakfast, during breakfast, after breakfast,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"in the toilet while you self-harm."
0:27:35 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"On the train to work, at your desk,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"in the stationery cupboard, silently weeping.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"Before lunch, during lunch, after lunch.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"In the staff room, you smack your head against the sink
0:27:45 > 0:27:47"trying to induce brain damage.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49"On the train home, crying in the bath.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51"In the night you wake up having a panic attack.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53"Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57"It's full of all sorts of things that don't actually exist in nature.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00"Are you suffering from acne? Putting on weight around your tummy and thighs?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03"Perhaps you're not eating enough Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05"Suffering from clinical depression?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08"Why not slump down in front of the TV for 18 hours a day
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"eating Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack contemplating suicide.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14"No longer physically or mentally able to leave the house?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16"Why not order some Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack online?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18"Delivered super-fast in two working days.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"Keep on eating Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"until you're riddled with disease, disability,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26"death comes to you 20 years earlier than you anticipated.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28"Remember, it's our policy here
0:28:28 > 0:28:30at the Sugary Biscuity Chocolate Cack factory
0:28:30 > 0:28:32"to turn over as much profit as possible.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"We couldn't care less if you live or die.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36"Sugary, Biscuity Chocolate Cack.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41"Only to be enjoyed as part of a healthy active lifestyle."
0:28:41 > 0:28:43APPLAUSE
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. Thank you very much.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Have a fantastic evening. Good night.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Andrew Lawrence!
0:28:59 > 0:29:02- Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:29:02 > 0:29:06They're absolutely brilliant. A brilliant Irish rock band. Please welcome Dead Cat Bounce!
0:29:09 > 0:29:11We are Dead Cat Bounce.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15We're a comedy rock 'n roll band. Just to explain what that is -
0:29:15 > 0:29:16we are the only act ever
0:29:16 > 0:29:21to have supported both Jason Manford AND The Darkness.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Tonight they asked us to do something a bit more acoustic and intimate.
0:29:25 > 0:29:26So I haven't brought my drums.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Instead, I'm going to play this cheese grater...
0:29:29 > 0:29:31with this screw.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34We're going to sing a song about the different noises that animals make.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37One, two, three, four!
0:29:37 > 0:29:40NURSERY RHYME-LIKE INTRODUCTION
0:29:43 > 0:29:45# Down on the farm where the animals play
0:29:45 > 0:29:49# Jump in the mud and the grass and the hay
0:29:49 > 0:29:51# Time to learn what the animals say
0:29:51 > 0:29:54# Down on the farm today
0:29:54 > 0:29:57# What does the cow say?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Please don't eat me!
0:30:01 > 0:30:03# That's what the cow says
0:30:04 > 0:30:07# What does the hen say?
0:30:07 > 0:30:10My babies! Please don't take my babies away from me again!
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Oh, God! When will this nightmare end?
0:30:15 > 0:30:17# That's what the hen says
0:30:18 > 0:30:19# What does the duck say?
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Give me the bread! Give me the bread! Give the bread!
0:30:21 > 0:30:25Oh, man, I could really use some bread right now!
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Hey, you! Look at me!
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I'll suck your dick for that piece of bread right there!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35# That's what the duck says
0:30:35 > 0:30:38# What do the sheep say?
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- Hello, Mavis. I like your jumper! - I like your jumper!
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- That's a really nice jumper. - Thank you.- You've got a mark on your jumper.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46- I've got summat on my jumper? - Round the back of your jumper.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49- Round the back of my jumper? - Sort of near your arse.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- That's shit from my arse, isn't it? - It's shit from your arse.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01- It's my favourite jumper as well. - That's a shame.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05- That is not coming out.- No.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08# That's what the sheep say
0:31:09 > 0:31:11# What does the rooster say?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Wake up, everybody!!
0:31:14 > 0:31:17I had that dream again!
0:31:17 > 0:31:20You know the one where I'm falling?
0:31:20 > 0:31:22What do you think it means?
0:31:24 > 0:31:27# That's what the rooster says
0:31:27 > 0:31:29# What does the farmer say?
0:31:29 > 0:31:31I'm getting really into animal husbandry.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Animal husbandry? That's the care and rearing of livestock.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Yeah.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42# That's what the farmer says
0:31:42 > 0:31:46# Now you know what the animals say
0:31:46 > 0:31:51# Each and every single da-a-a-ay
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- #- The only release is death.- #
0:31:55 > 0:31:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Thanks very much! Goodnight!
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Dead Cat Bounce!
0:32:08 > 0:32:12I don't have much time for nature. I grew up in the middle of nowhere.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15They trick you when you're growing up into going outside.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18When you're a teenager, you're told to do a thing called The Duke of Edinburgh Award.
0:32:18 > 0:32:24What it was, they said, "Do this and it'll help you get a job in later life."
0:32:24 > 0:32:29Then in later life it turns out that camping isn't a transferable skill.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34We did The Duke of Edinburgh Award. We were 16, me and my mates.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36To give you an idea of how cool we are,
0:32:36 > 0:32:38none of us at this point had kissed a girl.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41We got out onto the moors, we were walking along, and we unpacked.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44This was when I noticed that my friend Thomas had packed a condom.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50As if he'd gone, "I haven't kissed any of the 700 girls at my school,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53"but once I hit this desolate moorland, my luck will be in."
0:32:55 > 0:32:58Either that or he presumed the award was so well regarded
0:32:58 > 0:32:59the moment he crossed the finish line
0:32:59 > 0:33:02women would be throwing themselves at him!
0:33:02 > 0:33:04"Take off your cagoule, I want you here and now."
0:33:06 > 0:33:08I said, "Why have you packed a condom?"
0:33:08 > 0:33:09He said, "It's not cos of that.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11"It's cos I've read in a survival book
0:33:11 > 0:33:14"that you can fill a condom with water
0:33:14 > 0:33:16"up to the size of a telephone box."
0:33:20 > 0:33:22I said, "It's knowing information like that
0:33:22 > 0:33:25"hat shows why you've never kissed a girl in the first place, mate!
0:33:25 > 0:33:29"Also, how much help is that going to be on a 35-mile hike?
0:33:29 > 0:33:33"What if you bump into someone you know? 'All right, Steve?' 'What the hell is that?!'
0:33:33 > 0:33:37"'This is just my aqua-sheath. Sorry, do you want a glass?'
0:33:37 > 0:33:41"'Thank God for that. I thought you were being followed by that thing from The Prisoner!'"
0:33:41 > 0:33:42And my main question -
0:33:42 > 0:33:46why does a condom need to go that big in the first place?
0:33:46 > 0:33:50If you need a condom to go that big, seek medical advice!
0:33:50 > 0:33:51If you're going to a girl,
0:33:51 > 0:33:56"If it sounds like I'm about to come, run for your life!
0:33:56 > 0:34:00"The reason I've opened the window is it's going to be like a tsunami down there. Clear the area."
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I didn't enjoy going on these expeditions.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06The worst was when I was 16. We went, me and my family
0:34:06 > 0:34:09and friends, went to Alton Towers, right.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12We didn't have very good theme parks where I came from in Devon.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14The most exciting thing that happened to me at a theme park
0:34:14 > 0:34:17in Devon was I was once on the ghost train
0:34:17 > 0:34:19and I saw a skeleton eating his lunch.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25That is unbelievable. We're all allowed to eat at our desks,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27but that's taking the piss, isn't it?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Also a Ryvita and an apple.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31You're a skeleton - you don't need to diet!
0:34:31 > 0:34:34Have a lasagne! Enjoy yourself!
0:34:34 > 0:34:36What happened, we went to Alton Towers.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39We went on this ride called The Black Hole.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43It's a dreadful ride. It's a ride that's in a dome in the dark.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45And it's not very fast.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48So you don't have these things that come down over your shoulders.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Instead, you go two to a cart. Not next to each other -
0:34:50 > 0:34:52instead, one behind the other, like this.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55One of you has to sit like this with your legs spread wide.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Then the other one has to kind of cushion in,
0:34:58 > 0:35:00facing forwards, obviously.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Facing backwards, that'd be a very different ride indeed.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07"Are you ready to ride missionary?" "No, I'll give it a miss, thanks."
0:35:08 > 0:35:10That is awkward. For a minute, riding The Black Hole.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12We broke down on The Black Hole.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14We were there for 20 minutes!
0:35:14 > 0:35:17After three minutes, they brought up the lights.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20You know when they turn the lights on at a nightclub
0:35:20 > 0:35:22and you go, "What the hell am I doing and with who?"
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Never have I been spooning my best mate.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31It's basically some Radox and an Enya CD away from it being a sexy bath!
0:35:32 > 0:35:34It's like something from Ghost.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36They might as well bring the lights up,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38have a potter's wheel and play Unchained Melody!
0:35:39 > 0:35:41I'm not dead, but I wish I was!
0:35:41 > 0:35:46I wanted to talk to my mate, but that would be whispering in his ear and that isn't going to help matters.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48And he was tense. I thought, I can't give him a massage,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51that is going to set a very strange precedent.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53And even though there was no sexual chemistry,
0:35:53 > 0:35:56all that was going through my head for 20 minutes was,
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"Do not get an erection now!
0:35:59 > 0:36:02"Cos if you do, your friendship will be ruined for ever."
0:36:02 > 0:36:05After five minutes, an announcement came up.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07It said, "Please be aware The Black Hole has broken down."
0:36:08 > 0:36:10No shit!
0:36:10 > 0:36:14We were all sat there going, "This is weird ride, isn't it?"
0:36:14 > 0:36:18And then the mechanic came, pushed us forwards three yards, the cameras went off.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21No-one wants that photo.
0:36:21 > 0:36:26No-one's sat here thinking, "This'll make an awesome mouse mat. I'm having a lovely time."
0:36:26 > 0:36:30A guy at the back said, "Blitz spirit. Let's have a sing-song."
0:36:30 > 0:36:31No, let's not have a sing-song!
0:36:31 > 0:36:35Even though we're in the perfect position to do Oops Upside Your Head.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42- Ready for our next act? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Please welcome the wonderful Dana Alexander!
0:36:51 > 0:36:54- All right, Scotland, are you well? - Yes!
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Oh, my God, it's nice to be here, as always.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00It was very interesting the first time I came to Scotland,
0:37:00 > 0:37:03they told me I'd have a hard time understanding Scottish people.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05I ended up in Edinburgh and I'm like,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07"I understand Scottish. This is amazing!"
0:37:07 > 0:37:09I forgot about Glasgow!
0:37:10 > 0:37:13You go to Glasgow, it's like, "This is the remix."
0:37:14 > 0:37:17I get in the cab. "Can I put yer luggage in the boot, hen?"
0:37:17 > 0:37:19I'm like, "Say that again!"
0:37:21 > 0:37:23I figured out my last name is Scottish.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Alexander is a Scottish last name.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28I know! You guys owned slaves, too! What's up?
0:37:28 > 0:37:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Usually they don't laugh. They stop in shame.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"Not funny. We don't like this girl."
0:37:39 > 0:37:42I love trying to get English people excited. That's my favourite thing.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I find you can never just say things direct in England,
0:37:45 > 0:37:46do you know what I mean?
0:37:46 > 0:37:48They won't tell you that you're right.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50They tell you you're not wrong.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53It's not the same. It's ridiculous.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57You could defecate on an English person's doorstep,
0:37:57 > 0:38:00and you're like, "Now you're gonna kick off."
0:38:00 > 0:38:02ENGLISH ACCENT: "It wasn't ideal."
0:38:03 > 0:38:07But I do love working-class English people.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Make some noise, working-class English people. Anybody?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12A MAN CHEERS Outnumbered tonight, eh?
0:38:12 > 0:38:16That's all right. I remember watching this one band.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18No word of a lie, this is how the guy brought his band on.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20ENGLISH ACCENT: "This song goes out to my friend
0:38:20 > 0:38:24"which is in jail right now for doing graffiti.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27"I don't believe you should go to jail for doing what you love.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30"Unless you're a paedophile, cos that's just wrong."
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Do it!
0:38:36 > 0:38:38Yes, I'm a single girl.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40I'm having a hard time getting back into dating
0:38:40 > 0:38:42because I just don't know what I want.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45I like the working class dudes, you know what I mean?
0:38:45 > 0:38:47It would make it easier. Simple men.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Just put out, make a sandwich, that's it.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53You don't need to read Cosmo.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Sometimes you want to be with a guy that you could discuss a book with.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59No, you don't. That's what I discovered.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03I started dating this guy, more of an emotional man.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05He would always be asking me questions all the time
0:39:05 > 0:39:08that I had no ideas what the answers were cos I was used to the simple man.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Questions like, "How do you think that makes me feel?"
0:39:12 > 0:39:14"I don't know.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15"Hungry?
0:39:16 > 0:39:19"Do you want to have sex or something?"
0:39:19 > 0:39:21What I figured out about myself,
0:39:21 > 0:39:26if I cannot trick you with a steak, I'm not interested.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28But those guys come with side effects.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31You ever have sex with a guy that's too sweaty?
0:39:31 > 0:39:32- WOMAN:- Yes!
0:39:32 > 0:39:35LAUGHTER
0:39:36 > 0:39:40You don't forget that moment, do you?
0:39:40 > 0:39:43I'm laying there, know what I mean? I'm trying to be casual about it.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46I'll take it where I can get it. I'm laying there like,
0:39:46 > 0:39:47"Ooh-hoo-hoo."
0:39:47 > 0:39:51I try to sneakily grab the little tissue off the side...
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:39:54 > 0:39:57He looks down, "Please stop doing that! It's not sexy!"
0:39:57 > 0:40:01I'm like, "It's getting in my eyes!"
0:40:01 > 0:40:04You guys have been great. Take care. Have a good one.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Dana Alexander!
0:40:11 > 0:40:15Our next act is one of the most exciting acts at Edinburgh every year.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Please welcome the wonderful Jason Byrne!
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Hello!
0:40:26 > 0:40:30First of all, well done, Team GB. Fantastic. It's all over.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31Big cheer. Well done. Fair play.
0:40:31 > 0:40:36Of course, Chris Hoy, who's from Edinburgh. Hooray!
0:40:36 > 0:40:42Brilliant. Gold medals hanging out of him with his massive legs!
0:40:42 > 0:40:45And, of course, Andy Murray, as well.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47He won that gold in the tennis.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51Well done him. He was playing Roger Federer, as well, which was amazing.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54I was watching that match, Andy Murray versus Federer.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57I was wondering, "My God, why did Federer let him win?"
0:40:57 > 0:41:00It was the weirdest thing ever.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04All I could think was that Federer probably wouldn't be able to handle
0:41:04 > 0:41:06having him crying again at the end of the tournament.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Did you see Federer? He was going, "Oh, I'll just..."
0:41:11 > 0:41:12You could see...
0:41:12 > 0:41:16Cos Andy Murray, you could see his shots coming a mile away.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19The big angry Scottish head and the big curly hair.
0:41:19 > 0:41:20"I'm going to put the ball over there
0:41:20 > 0:41:22"and lob this one there!
0:41:22 > 0:41:25"He won't have a clue where it's coming from!"
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Did you see Federer missing the shots?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30"Oh, woopsie-doopsie. Oh."
0:41:33 > 0:41:35"Oh, missed again. My genius has been broken
0:41:35 > 0:41:37"by this blue, Scottish curly-head fellow."
0:41:39 > 0:41:42He just couldn't handle the crying again, that's all it was.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45It's unbelievable, cos Federer's a genius.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48You never see his shots coming. When he's playing tennis it's like,
0:41:48 > 0:41:50"Whoosh, whoosh, fini."
0:41:50 > 0:41:53"What happened?" "Doesn't matter. It is over."
0:41:55 > 0:41:57The thing with the Olympics, I thought,
0:41:57 > 0:42:01there were some tournaments that working-class people, like where I come from
0:42:01 > 0:42:05and all my family, we had no business watching a few sports.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08And one of the sports we had no business watching was horse jumping.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11It's too posh and we have no business watching it.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14It's for posh people and that's the end of it.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Posh people on horses just jumping around going...
0:42:19 > 0:42:21"Oh, my God, isn't this just fantastic?
0:42:21 > 0:42:24"This is beautiful. I'm going to jump over this fence.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26"I'm over! I'm over! Ah-ha-ha!"
0:42:26 > 0:42:27HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:42:27 > 0:42:31"Oh, here's another one. Oh! The pole dropped!
0:42:31 > 0:42:34"The pole - it fell off! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-hah-hah!"
0:42:35 > 0:42:39"It's OK. A poor person will pick it up. Just keep going."
0:42:41 > 0:42:44And the main one which we had, oh, my God, dressage!
0:42:44 > 0:42:46DRESSAGE?!
0:42:47 > 0:42:50What the hell are they doing?
0:42:50 > 0:42:52Ah-hah-hah!
0:42:59 > 0:43:02Ah-hah! Ah-hah-hah!
0:43:04 > 0:43:07There's working-class people watching that at home going,
0:43:07 > 0:43:09"Mary, get in here!"
0:43:10 > 0:43:13"There's a dancing horse on the telly!"
0:43:14 > 0:43:19"I'm serious. It's not even in the circus! It's on the Olympics!"
0:43:20 > 0:43:23Unbelievable! I think I know how they train those horses, right?
0:43:23 > 0:43:25This is what I reckon they do.
0:43:25 > 0:43:26They get the horse to shit
0:43:26 > 0:43:29all over the compound that it spends all day in.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32And then it just does this all day,
0:43:32 > 0:43:34trying to avoid its own shit!
0:43:39 > 0:43:40"Oh, God, it's bloody everywhere!
0:43:43 > 0:43:45"Jesus, there's shit all over this compound.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49"Yep, that's definitely shit.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55"It's bloody everywhere, this shit."
0:43:55 > 0:43:56Anyway,
0:43:56 > 0:43:58that was exhausting!
0:44:00 > 0:44:02I did that with my calves.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Maybe even win a gold medal for it.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06Ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08I've been Jason Byrne. Good night!
0:44:08 > 0:44:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:44:14 > 0:44:16Jason Byrne!
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Our next act is an absolute circuit legend.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Please welcome the wonderful Marcus Brigstocke!
0:44:29 > 0:44:30Hello!
0:44:30 > 0:44:32CHEERING
0:44:32 > 0:44:35Nice to be here in Scotland. Any of you Scottish? Good.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39I love coming up to Scotland.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42I was going to get the train up but because when I was five
0:44:42 > 0:44:43I didn't know I'd grow up to be a comedian,
0:44:43 > 0:44:46I missed out on the Advance Saver Fare!
0:44:46 > 0:44:49Why are people who book in advance getting a discount?
0:44:49 > 0:44:51They've got efficiency going for them.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53I'm a chaotic prick - I need help.
0:44:53 > 0:44:54Ridiculous.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58First class fare from London to Birmingham on the day of travel,
0:44:58 > 0:45:00£178!
0:45:00 > 0:45:03BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: To visit the Venice of the Midlands.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06£178 for the Venice of the Midlands.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09Or £38 for the Venice of Venice!
0:45:09 > 0:45:14Actual Venice, on a plane, for a fraction of the price.
0:45:15 > 0:45:16I've got an idea.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19I know how we can make some money back from the railways.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22We fine them for every word they use in an announcement
0:45:22 > 0:45:24that they don't need to. £100 a word.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27"Leeds is your next station stop.
0:45:27 > 0:45:31"Your next station stop will be Leeds is your next station stop.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34"The next station at which we stop will be Leeds. Is your next sta..."
0:45:34 > 0:45:36JUST SAY LEEDS!
0:45:38 > 0:45:41If you're on a train and it stops at a thing with platforms
0:45:41 > 0:45:43and people and 19 different pasty outlets,
0:45:43 > 0:45:45and you don't know that's a station,
0:45:45 > 0:45:47then screw you! No more train travel!
0:45:47 > 0:45:50It's too exciting for you, you prick!
0:45:51 > 0:45:54Fine them for every word.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56"For those of you de-training at Leeds..."
0:45:56 > 0:45:58I will not de-train, I will get off.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01If I want to de-train, I'll get pissed, go back to university
0:46:01 > 0:46:03and try and forget the things I learned.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07"For those of you de-training at Leeds, we'd like to remind you
0:46:07 > 0:46:09"to take all your possessions with you."
0:46:09 > 0:46:11We know! They're our possessions!
0:46:11 > 0:46:15Listen, people on public transport. Here's how this works.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18If you go on a train and you take your things with you,
0:46:18 > 0:46:21and then when you get off the train you don't take your things with you,
0:46:21 > 0:46:23they're no longer your things.
0:46:23 > 0:46:25They're just things.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29Pretty simple. Basic. Got to take them with you.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31"We'd like to remind passengers
0:46:31 > 0:46:35"that only those of you in possession of a valid ticket for this service
0:46:35 > 0:46:37"will be allowed to use this service..."
0:46:37 > 0:46:40Oh, really? I made my own ticket!
0:46:42 > 0:46:43"I'm very disappointed."
0:46:43 > 0:46:48We know! Smokers, do you need to be told it's a non-smoking service?
0:46:48 > 0:46:51- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- No. - No. Smokers, give me a cheer.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54FAINT RESPONSE Come on, we're in Scotland. There's a lot more of you than that!
0:46:54 > 0:46:56Ughh.
0:46:56 > 0:46:58There's a tiger at the back in tears.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Smokers, you don't need to be told, do you?
0:47:02 > 0:47:05"We'd like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service."
0:47:05 > 0:47:06We know. They all are.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08Then they specify the ways in which it's non-smoking.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10"You can't smoke in the carriages,
0:47:10 > 0:47:13"between the carriages, moving through the train,
0:47:13 > 0:47:15"in the buffet car, the toilet, on the roof, underneath.
0:47:15 > 0:47:19"Don't make me use the word vestibule, I will burn you in the face."
0:47:19 > 0:47:21Smoke if you wish.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely delightful.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26Thanks for having me. Take care. Good night.
0:47:30 > 0:47:32Marcus Brigstocke!
0:47:34 > 0:47:36The next act is one of my absolute favourites.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39Please welcome the wonderful Jimeoin!
0:47:43 > 0:47:45All right?
0:47:45 > 0:47:47- Ready for more jokes? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:47:48 > 0:47:50Some of these young comics at the Fringe
0:47:50 > 0:47:52it's all about having an opinion.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55Talking about some country in the Middle East that they don't live in.
0:47:55 > 0:47:56How it should be run.
0:47:56 > 0:47:59Then in the next breath they're saying their latte is cold!
0:47:59 > 0:48:02You go, "I don't want to hear your opinion. Just tell me your jokes."
0:48:04 > 0:48:05That's just my opinion.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14I don't like my latte being cold, by the way.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17I just thought I'd say that right now.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20It should be a little bit warmer. No need for that.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22Do you know who I blame for that? Christians.
0:48:26 > 0:48:27I'm joking!
0:48:30 > 0:48:31It's the Jews.
0:48:37 > 0:48:39No, I read the papers.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41If I've got a gig, I sit there with all the papers,
0:48:41 > 0:48:43go through them with a pen,
0:48:43 > 0:48:45and colour people's teeth in.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54What was I talking about?
0:48:54 > 0:48:58You weren't listening, were you?
0:48:58 > 0:48:59I forget what I'm talking about. I'm at that age.
0:48:59 > 0:49:02You walk into a room and say, "What did I come in here for?"
0:49:03 > 0:49:06Open the fridge, go into soft focus.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10Close it. "What did I open the fridge for?"
0:49:11 > 0:49:14Driving my car, going, "Where am I going?
0:49:14 > 0:49:16"I was looking for something in the fridge!"
0:49:23 > 0:49:27That's not the fridge, by the way, that's the microwave!
0:49:27 > 0:49:28That's the fridge.
0:49:31 > 0:49:32That's the dishwasher.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39That's me kicking her in the ass, going, "Wash those dishes!"
0:49:44 > 0:49:45That's me closing a whole load of doors.
0:49:50 > 0:49:54I do a little bit of mime in my act. Probably noticed that.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57I'm not taking myself seriously as a mime artist just cos I'm on stage.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00Lazy miming, the way we all mime.
0:50:00 > 0:50:01Do phones...
0:50:01 > 0:50:03don't hang them up.
0:50:05 > 0:50:07Open doors, leave them open.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11Other mime artists come on stage after me and go,
0:50:11 > 0:50:13"Look at the state of this place."
0:50:25 > 0:50:27Don't remember opening that.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32Ever in the kitchen in the middle of the night
0:50:32 > 0:50:34and the fridge goes, "Brrr."?
0:50:41 > 0:50:43I didn't know they got cold, too!
0:50:49 > 0:50:52Do you ever have to make ice for the fridge?
0:50:52 > 0:50:54It's a tricky job, that, isn't it?
0:50:54 > 0:50:59You have to get from the sink to the fridge with a tray of water.
0:50:59 > 0:51:02You can mess it up even before you've begun.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Put it in the microwave as well.
0:51:37 > 0:51:40That's all from me. Thank you very much. Good night! Thank you!
0:51:44 > 0:51:45Give him a hand!
0:51:47 > 0:51:50Ready for our next act? Please welcome the wonderful Des Clarke!
0:51:54 > 0:51:57Hello, everyone. Let's hear it for Scotland! Let's hear it!
0:51:57 > 0:51:59CHEERING Thank you very much.
0:51:59 > 0:52:02It's nice to be here tonight. I'm from Glasgow.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04People say to me, why do you speak so quickly?
0:52:04 > 0:52:07I talk so fast because I'm from Glasgow.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10My life expectancy is 43 - I'm running out of time, big man!
0:52:12 > 0:52:15I've had a few strokes just answering you. Let's hurry this up!
0:52:15 > 0:52:17We're put upon in this nation.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Earlier this year, they had a go at pasties.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Greggs isn't a shop in Scotland, it's a religion.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26We're strangely upbeat in Scotland, as well, and I like that.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28We watched the Olympic Games opening ceremony
0:52:28 > 0:52:31with glee in Scotland. We loved it. It was good to get involved.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34Though there was one group of people in this country didn't like it.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36A small group of people in an office in Glasgow
0:52:36 > 0:52:40whose task is to organise the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.
0:52:40 > 0:52:44Looking at how good that was, going, "Oh, shite!
0:52:44 > 0:52:47"We'll need to cancel The Krankies. It's terrible."
0:52:52 > 0:52:55"Have you got a number for Susan Boyle? We need the big guns."
0:52:55 > 0:53:00Two years' time, 2014, we've got the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.
0:53:00 > 0:53:01We've no idea how we won the bid!
0:53:01 > 0:53:03I think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,
0:53:03 > 0:53:06saw all of us walking about in tracksuits and thought,
0:53:06 > 0:53:08"They must be sporty!" Big mistake.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10Good luck with that.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16We have an unnecessary aggression in this country and we love it.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18Even the way we talk to each other in couples.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20I has a girlfriend that had a go at me one night.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Her problem with me, "Your eyelashes are too long."
0:53:23 > 0:53:25She did what Scottish women do if they want to make a point.
0:53:25 > 0:53:27They move their heads side to side.
0:53:27 > 0:53:28"Don't you talk to me!"
0:53:31 > 0:53:35Scottish guys, trying to chat you up, become pigeons and nod at you.
0:53:35 > 0:53:36"You want to have sex with me?"
0:53:36 > 0:53:39"Do you want to have sex?" "Don't you talk to me."
0:53:39 > 0:53:42Between them, they've got all the compass points sorted. Brilliant.
0:53:46 > 0:53:50"Your eyelashes are too long. That's not fair. They don't belong on a guy."
0:53:50 > 0:53:54"I say sod all about your moustache. What's the problem here?"
0:53:59 > 0:54:02It was great. She tried to spice things up in the bedroom.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04She asked us to dress up. That was good.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06She said, "Let's do that school uniform thing.
0:54:06 > 0:54:09"Let's pretend we're back at school."
0:54:09 > 0:54:11She gave me a bloody wedgie. I couldnae walk.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16I had the greatest honour in my life this year.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18I got to carry the Olympic torch.
0:54:18 > 0:54:21They sold it to me as the unique special experience.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23You'll stand out from every member of your community.
0:54:23 > 0:54:25Fast-forward to me standing in the middle of Glasgow
0:54:25 > 0:54:27on a Friday night in a white tracksuit
0:54:27 > 0:54:32with a bit of metal that somebody I don't know had set on fire.
0:54:32 > 0:54:34I looked like everybody else in the centre of Glasgow that night!
0:54:36 > 0:54:38All my family were there, apart from my dad.
0:54:38 > 0:54:40"I'll not get parked." Thanks for your support(!)
0:54:46 > 0:54:50The most amazing experience of my life. The actor James McAvoy handed me the torch
0:54:50 > 0:54:54in the centre of Glasgow. I was told one bit of information when you're getting the torch -
0:54:54 > 0:54:57"Remember the torch kiss. Just remember the torch kiss."
0:54:57 > 0:55:00I was nervous. The torch came. I kissed the tor...
0:55:00 > 0:55:01I kissed James McAvoy!
0:55:03 > 0:55:04Mwa!
0:55:04 > 0:55:06It was an amazing experience. Slightly weird.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08He called the police. It was fine.
0:55:08 > 0:55:10Then I did that 300 metre run.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12And one last thing I want to share with you
0:55:12 > 0:55:16is, whilst doing that run, the most amazing moment of that run,
0:55:16 > 0:55:18is that from nowhere, out the middle of the crowd,
0:55:18 > 0:55:21my dad just jumped out!
0:55:21 > 0:55:23I shat myself!
0:55:23 > 0:55:26And I would love to end this gig by saying I said something
0:55:26 > 0:55:28profound to that man, words that can be quoted for years,
0:55:28 > 0:55:30poetic things that will go on my gravestone.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33Here's what happened. I was running...
0:55:33 > 0:55:36I saw him. All I could say was,
0:55:36 > 0:55:37"Where did you get parked?"
0:55:40 > 0:55:43Ladies and gentlemen, you've been amazing. I'm Des Clarke. Thank you. Good night.
0:55:43 > 0:55:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:55:48 > 0:55:50Des Clarke!
0:55:51 > 0:55:54This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:55:54 > 0:55:55Thank you very much for coming.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58My name is Josh Widdicombe. Cheers. Good night!
0:55:58 > 0:56:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:18 > 0:56:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd