0:00:21 > 0:00:25It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Please welcome your host, Kevin Bridges!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Yeah! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Good evening and welcome along to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Yeah!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Has everybody had a good festival? Have you enjoyed it? Good Fringe?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51It's been a good summer. I've enjoyed it a lot.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We've had a heat wave. It's been a scorcher in Scotland.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I love Scottish people when we get a scorcher.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58We're not just content with a nice day.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01We need to watch the weather, we need to watch the global weather
0:01:01 > 0:01:05to see how we compared on the big league, innit?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Like to sit there and watch the results coming in.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10I've heard my dad, I thought
0:01:10 > 0:01:13my dad had a football coupon on this summer.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16"We got a 23, Son. Only 2 behind Madeira. Yes!"
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I went on holiday. I don't go mental holidays any more.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I went on holiday for a week this year. It was quite calm.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On my holiday this year, I just went to the water park.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Day one, got sunstroke, and then spent the next six days
0:01:31 > 0:01:36lying on a pull-out couch watching Sky News. Eating the local crisps.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38That was my holiday.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"I don't feel well, somebody go to the shop and get me
0:01:40 > 0:01:42"a packet of Ruffles."
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"Jamon flavour."
0:01:48 > 0:01:52"You know what I'm like when I don't get my Jamon-flavoured Ruffles."
0:01:52 > 0:01:55It's an easy way to depress the shit out of yourself,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57watching Sky News for six days.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I just feel powerless,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01the amount of bad stuff that's going on in the world.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04We've just got too much access to information.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Wikileaks, the guy got 35 years.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I'm all for Wikileaks, but it's just stuff you kind of knew, isn't it?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"Wikileaks cables reveal inhumane conditions
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"and torture at Guantanamo Bay." Well, thank God for Wikileaks.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I was fed up relying on TripAdvisor.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"We found the staff somewhat unpleasant."
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"The room was a little cramped.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31"18 of us in what was a twin at best."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Done a bit of travelling. Have we got tourists in?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Edinburgh Festival, it's a big tourist magnet.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Who have we got? - SCATTERED WHOOPING
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Big guy there, who cheered, where are you from?- Glasgow.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Glasgow, good to see you. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:54 > 0:02:56People flocking from all over!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Anybody not from Scotland?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Inverness!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Inverness, right.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"Anybody not from Scotland?"
0:03:07 > 0:03:08We got a guy from Inverness.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13The People's Independent Republic of Inverness.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Who recently won their battle against the Scottish oppressor
0:03:17 > 0:03:20to form a free state.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23We're getting excited about that in Scotland, independence,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27the referendum. We're letting 16-year-olds vote.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31That'll secure a record number of spoiled ballot papers.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34"Nicola Sturgeon loves the boaby."
0:03:41 > 0:03:45We welcome...we welcome the tourists. I've done a bit of travelling.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49I was in New York. I was in America for a week, I went over there.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54You don't realise in the modern-day technology how much shite
0:03:54 > 0:03:58you take photographs of until you go somewhere worth photographing.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I was in New York standing on top of the Empire State building,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03deleting fry-ups.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12"What means more to me, Ground Zero or that night I made fajitas?"
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"It's been 12 years, and they were delicious."
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I went into a clothes shop in New York called Abercrombie & Fitch.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24You been there? Glasgow guy? Have you been there?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I never knew it was that kind of shop. It's for the beautiful people.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31The staff... I don't mean that as a slant on you.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36It is. The women staff, female staff are beautiful.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40The guys, the male staff are topless, that's the thing.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42These guys are ripped, they've got six-packs.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Stunning, Adonis looking guys.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I'm talking Peter Andre, Mysterious Girl video kind of guy.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51He said to me, "Can I help you, sir?"
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I'm straight, but I was blushing when he talked to me.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04He said, "Can I help you, sir?" I thought it would be quite funny
0:05:04 > 0:05:07to say, "I'm just here to hand in my CV."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13So I got talking to the Abercrombie & Fitch guy.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I told him I was a soccer fan.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19And he goes, "Yeah, you guys take soccer pretty serious, huh?"
0:05:19 > 0:05:23He said, "Is it true that on soccer day in Scotland,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"if you walk into the wrong bar,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"and the other team's fans recognise you,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"that you're from the other side, that the main guy walks up to you
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"and grabs you by the ears
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"and he sucks on your eyeball?"
0:05:37 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:41 > 0:05:44It would break my heart to deny that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50I said, "Tragic, mate, that that still goes on, 2013.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54"Old Firm game, everybody sitting there with monocles in."
0:05:58 > 0:06:00In the pub beforehand, "Get him, Kenny!"
0:06:00 > 0:06:02SLURPS
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"He's got contact lenses, the Fenian bastard!"
0:06:05 > 0:06:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:13 > 0:06:17We're kind of over football in Scotland. We're a tennis country.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Andy Murray, this year.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21CHEERING
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Listen to the enthusiasm in the room.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25That's an achievement in itself,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27getting Scottish people into tennis.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You can walk into mental pubs in Scotland
0:06:30 > 0:06:34and see guys like that sitting arguing about the ATP Masters.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"You're gonnae sit there, Del, and you're gonnae tell me
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"Nalbandian would beat Djokovic on clay?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"Nah, you're a moron, mate. Moron."
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Pubs have signs up saying "no tennis colours".
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Are we up for a good night of live comedy, ladies and gentlemen?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:56 > 0:06:59This first guy is a bit of a hero here at the Fringe.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01His shows are consistently excellent,
0:07:01 > 0:07:02and it's a pleasure to introduce him.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Ladies and gentlemen, let's go absolutely wild
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and give it up for the wonderful Jason Byrne.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's such a great place, this, you know?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28In my show, I was doing a show, and they're asking me in Ireland,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30saying, "what are Scots like to gig for? I went,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33"They're grand, they're good. Little bit edgy, little bit wooo!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"They're grand." And they go, "If you ask them stuff, will they answer?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40"Will they help you?" I went, "Yeah, yeah, they're not too bad at that."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43The first gig I had at the festival here, I looked down,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45there was a big guy in the front row,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47big Scottish guy, loads of tattoos, right?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49He had them on him, he wasn't holding them,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51he actually had them on him.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54And so he was there, and then I looked around, and I said,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"Is there any Australians here? Anybody from Australia?"
0:07:57 > 0:07:59There was four Australians in the corner.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01And I went, "Where are you from?"
0:08:01 > 0:08:04They said Canberra, Sydney, Perth and Adelaide.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I went, "Oh, brilliant."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09So to throw the Scottish guy, I went, "What's the capital of Australia?"
0:08:09 > 0:08:12thinking he'd say Sydney. And he looked at me and went,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"Who gives a shite?"
0:08:14 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:19That's the kind of help you get off Scottish people.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"Dinnae give a shite. Don't care."
0:08:22 > 0:08:24He even pointed at the area in case they didn't understand
0:08:24 > 0:08:28who was saying it. He was going, "Who gives a shite?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29"These four people here,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33"I don't give a shite about your country, all right?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"Didn't know it was going to be a Q&A tonight.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"What the hell is going on?"
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I was in England, you know, I live Ireland and I was going back
0:08:40 > 0:08:44and forward all the time. That's what I do.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46This time, I was in a sitcom
0:08:46 > 0:08:48and I had to stay in England for about six months, right?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51And all the English people here, well done, God bless you,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54but your country is odd. It is an odd place, right?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And listen to this, Scotland, right?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59In England, they have rules and they follow them!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Did you hear what I said? They follow them! I am not joking you.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04They do as they're told all the time.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It's the weirdest shit you'll ever see in your life.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10If there's a new arrow at the end of the road in England,
0:09:10 > 0:09:11they'll follow it. No questions.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Immediately, they go, "There's an arrow! Fantastic.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"Don't know why, let's go this way."
0:09:17 > 0:09:21"There's another arrow!" "Another arrow? "Doesn't matter.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24"Very busy, must keep together, everybody follow the arrow."
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Here, my God, in Scotland, you stick up an arrow and they go,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32"I'm going this way. Not going that way!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"There's no way I'm going to follow that arrow,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"you pointy bastard! I'm going that way!"
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"You have to follow the arrow." "I'm not following nothing!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"This is the way I'm going, all right?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You go that way, and you fall down a manhole into a sewer.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48The Scottish person is going, "This is the way I was going anyway!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"It doesn't matter!"
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"I actually wanted to go through the sewer, just walking through shite!"
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Just for pure spite, you won't get out the sewer.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02"I love shite, I love walking in shite! In the dark!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"Bloody arrow! Argh!"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10But, yeah, you know. So the rules here are weird.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You're like Ireland, you're just like, whatever.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18So at the start, I brought a show up here, and I had a load of props.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And they were coming up from England, so we brought them in.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24And whatever ones I wasn't going to use,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26we had to send them back to England.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29So my English agents went, "OK, we're going to send DHL
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"to go and collect your props. And by the way, will you weigh them
0:10:32 > 0:10:35"and see how much they weigh exactly, and how big they are,
0:10:35 > 0:10:36"cos DHL won't take them," right?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I went, "I'm in Scotland. They're not going to give a shite, seriously.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44"Do I have to really do that? They went, "Yes, you will."
0:10:44 > 0:10:47In England, if the box is 23 kilos, and it goes over,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50DHL will not collect it, right?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52So basically, this is what happened.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I'm in this house, has a little driveway, and this guy comes up.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58The car's not even marked, I don't know who he is.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Just beeping, the driver, just going BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Get out of the car and goes, "All right? DHL?"
0:11:05 > 0:11:09No markings on the car. I go, "What's going on, no markings on the car?"
0:11:09 > 0:11:12"Ah, the van is knackered."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16And I said, "OK." He said, "Where's the stuff?"
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I said, "There it is, there. But I didn't weigh it."
0:11:19 > 0:11:20And he goes, "Who gives a shite?"
0:11:22 > 0:11:25He filled up the back of the car, right, and I said,
0:11:25 > 0:11:26"Do you want the address?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:29He goes, "No, I don't, they can deal with that in the warehouse."
0:11:29 > 0:11:31And he pissed off!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I haven't a clue where me stuff is.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It's been over three weeks now, it still hasn't arrived.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Edinburgh, thanks for having us, good night. Have a good time.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46See you later. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Give it up for Jason Byrne!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Another Fringe favourite coming up, give it up for Andrew Lawrence!
0:11:57 > 0:12:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Thank you very much. Thank you. Very nice to be back in Edinburgh.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I got the train up this year for the Festival for the first time.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Don't know about you, I think there's nothing creepier in this world
0:12:16 > 0:12:19when you're in a completely empty train carriage,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22someone gets on and sits down right next to you.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I should really stop doing it, but I'm just so lonely.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Got a mixed audience.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32All the couples then, give me a cheer, couples, if you're in love?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34CHEERING
0:12:34 > 0:12:37RETCHES
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Anyone going out with someone uglier than them?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:44That's a few people. It's the best policy.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47If you go out with someone better-looking, you can't relax.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51The whole time, you're on edge, trying to be better than you are,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53thinking they're just going to run off with someone else.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Eventually they do. But if you go out with someone uglier, do what you like.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Just walk around the house all day in your underpants,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01food smeared all over your face.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04"Andrew, can you put some trousers on, please?"
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"What are you going to do if I don't?"
0:13:06 > 0:13:10"Going to leave you." "Good luck with that!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14"We both know that's just going to end with you dying alone." I think...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I think it's geographical, ugliness, isn't it?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21In London, I'm properly ugly.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25London seems to attract young, glamorous, ambitious people.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I'm walking around London, I'm a creepy-faced little man.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32The further north you go, things improve. Nottingham, I'm average.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Hull, above average.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37If I make it all the way to Aberdeen, I know you don't want to hear this,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Scotland, the truth is I'm practically a male model.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I've got a friend who's blind.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Every time I see him, he's got some new girlfriend with him,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50and they're always stunningly attractive.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I think, "What's the point? How selfish!"
0:13:53 > 0:13:56By all means go out with someone fragrant-smelling
0:13:56 > 0:13:57with a wonderful personality.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Don't go out with someone good-looking, you can't see them!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Your eyes don't work, do they? Come on. If I was deaf in both ears,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I wouldn't go out with a French lady. What's the point in me
0:14:05 > 0:14:08going out with someone with the world's filthiest accent
0:14:08 > 0:14:09if I can't even hear it?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12If I was deaf in both ears, I'd at least have the common decency
0:14:12 > 0:14:17to go out with someone from Birmingham or...South Africa.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19That's the least alluring accent.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I defy anyone anywhere to be seduced by a South African accent.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: I was on the other side of the room.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I wondered whether you might want to come to my bed-and-breakfast,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32have some sort of sexual intercourse of some description.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37Possibly, perhaps. Say yes. I have a gun. I will shoot you in the face.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I don't want to offend anyone tonight. I want to be careful not to.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:47 > 0:14:50You've got to be careful. People are offended by different things.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Some people say you shouldn't make jokes about fat people.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I think it depends on context.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57If you say to a fat person, can I make jokes about you,
0:14:57 > 0:15:01they'd probably say, "No, how dare you, who do you think you are?"
0:15:01 > 0:15:03If you say to a fat person "Can I make jokes about you
0:15:03 > 0:15:07"if I give you this biscuit?" they'd probably be fine with it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Got to keep it clean tonight. It's going out on the television.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17It's pretty bleak seeing yourself on television. You see yourself from an outside perspective.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You see yourself as other people see you.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21"Oh, that's me, is it? How disappointing. Barely human.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"I look like I've been crafted out of pate. Look at me.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"My head looks like a discount leftover Halloween pumpkin
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"that has been kicked around someone's garden,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"trampled all over and left to rot in the sun.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35"Look at me. I looked like I've been sent down from outer space to invade
0:15:35 > 0:15:36"the earth with ropey comedy."
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Honestly, seeing myself on television I'm appalled, disgusted, repulsed.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Most of all I'm slightly afraid to switch off in case it somehow
0:15:44 > 0:15:47affects the ratings. It's not a healthy mindset, is it?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I wish I could make a big entrance, come on stage.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I shuffle on a bit awkward, embarrassed.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I wish I could glide on with an arrogant swagger.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58There's too much arrogance in the world. When I meet someone who is a full of themselves,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I think, "What have you got to be so pleased about. You don't know what
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"you're doing in this world. You don't know what's going to happen.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08"You don't know what I'm thinking. You don't know what anyone else is thinking.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"All you know is one day somewhere, somehow you're going to die.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16"Your sphincter will loosen, probably going to soil yourself, some poor blokes will have to come along
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"and clean up the mess, probably for minimum wage.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"I suggest you take the smug grin off your face,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"the narcissistic twinkle out of your eye, and adopt
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"an embarrassed expression of fear, trepidation and self-loathing.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"You're the same as everyone else. Death is coming for you.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"When it comes, it's bringing indignity."
0:16:31 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I like to think, once the comedy work dries up,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I'm going to have a successful career as a motivational speaker.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47That's the way forward for me. You've been lovely.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You've got a phenomenal evening ahead of you. Have a wonderful time. Good night.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Give it up for Andrew Lawrence.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:03 > 0:17:06This next guy is fantastic. I toured with him last year.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08He is a mate of mine. Give it up for the superb Neil Delamere.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Hello, Edinburgh. It's a pleasure to be back
0:17:16 > 0:17:20and talk to audiences who are so unbelievably responsive.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I had a guy who is a paramedic in the front row last week.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Because I'm a child, I said "have you ever pulled anything
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"out of anybody's bottom?"
0:17:28 > 0:17:30And he went, "Oh, not at work."
0:17:31 > 0:17:34His wife went, "Arghh!" I couldn't look at the two of them
0:17:34 > 0:17:37in the eye for the rest of the gig. It's an awful affliction.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41You can't talk about that area of the body. You have to be very careful.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Gerry Adams, the President of Sinn Fein, we all know Gerry Adams.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47He had a prostate operation recently in America.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51People went, "Who paid for it?" That is not the issue.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Somebody had to anaesthetise Gerry Adams.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Which means you have to get the patient to count backwards.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04How terrifying...
0:18:05 > 0:18:10..would it be to be in the room with Gerry Adams, looking at you,
0:18:10 > 0:18:16going, "Five, four, three..."
0:18:16 > 0:18:17You would kack yourself.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Last time I was in Edinburgh, I went to a football match.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I was frisked walking in. That freaked me out.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I've never been frisked going into a match in my life.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I go to Gaelic sports in Ireland.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35You can bring anything into a Gaelic games ground.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39You could bring a javelin into Croke Park Stadium. What's wrong with that?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40My umbrella is broken.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Why are you bringing a pointed stick? There might be cocktail sausages.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Get one for me. I will get one for you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I walk in and he frisks me. All I have on me is a fruit snack pack.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57From Sainsbury's. It's just slices of an apple.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00He says, "You can't bring that in." I say "Why not?"
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"Because an apple can be used as a weapon."
0:19:03 > 0:19:07I said, "I'd like to see you in Helmand province."
0:19:08 > 0:19:10"Some lad shooting at you
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"and you hoof a Golden Delicious at the side of his face."
0:19:14 > 0:19:19"Besides, it's not an apple, is it? It's slices of an apple.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21"What do you think I'm going to do?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25"Smuggle in the individual parts of an apple and then painstakingly
0:19:25 > 0:19:29"reassemble it, make a simple sniper rifle and kill somebody?"
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"You might, mate." "What are you talking about?!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38"You're selling burgers upstairs. That's a bit of a risk.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40"How do you know no-one stitched them back together to form
0:19:40 > 0:19:44"an angry bullock and herded it onto the pitch? What will happen then?"
0:19:44 > 0:19:47He goes, "I don't know." No-one's ever thrown an apple at a football match.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51What was thrown at Luis Figo when he went from Barca to Real Madrid?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Any of you know? A pig's head.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Even that day, when the perfect accompaniment...
0:20:02 > 0:20:05..to the pig's head would have been an apple. No-one threw an apple.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I'd love to throw an apple at a football match. Man United - Liverpool.
0:20:08 > 0:20:14Hoof it onto the pitch. David Moyes wouldn't know what it was because he is Scottish,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17it's fruit, it's not part of your diet. Let's be honest.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Luis Suarez would take a massive bite out of the apple.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Wayne Rooney would hear a Granny Smith was nearby and try to shag it.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:30 > 0:20:32What did I do? I ate the apple. That's what normal people do.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35You consume it because you don't want to waste it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It's the same reason you see people drinking three litres of water at the
0:20:38 > 0:20:42airport when you can only get hundred millilitres through the checkpoint.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Have you seen that? "That's too big to bring through."
0:20:45 > 0:20:48"Well, screw you. I don't even want this. I don't even want it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"I'm going to have to have a piss to make room.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52"My liver is floating above my lungs."
0:20:54 > 0:20:56"I feel a little bit bloated." "Stop drinking it."
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction."
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Which is fine for water.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06My friend used up all his deodorant at the checkpoint one day.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07It was the size of a Shetland pony.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"You can't bring that in." "Well, screw you."
0:21:10 > 0:21:12HE MIMICS A SPRAY CAN
0:21:20 > 0:21:22He's mental. It was a roll-on.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Two white patches over a black leather jacket.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30He looked like a dairy cow. Someone tried to milk him in the duty-free.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32He didn't care. He didn't sweat for two and a half weeks.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35His own row of seats on the Ryanair plane.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37He shouldn't have been let on the plane.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40He was flammable at this point. You shouldn't be let on.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Don't you laugh. Two sniffer dogs died of solvent abuse that day.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49But he stood up to authority. I never stand up to authority.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53My girlfriend is the authority in our house. I'll give you a tip.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Never do this. I'll leave you with this. She roared at me the other day.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Have you ever cleaned out the lint drawer...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"..of the dryer?"
0:22:04 > 0:22:08I said I didn't know we could keep chocolate in the dryer.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:11 > 0:22:15You've been a pleasure to talk to. Bye-bye.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Give it up for Neil Delamere.
0:22:24 > 0:22:30Let's keep it going. Next act. Give it up for Charlie Baker.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Hello. Good evening. Edinburgh. Nice to see you.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Let's get one thing out of the way. What a lovely-looking man.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Yeah, I know. Lovely, lovely. Lost a bit of weight.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I've been on the five and two diet. Anyone done that?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I have five sausages when I should only have two.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I had a haircut. I was in the hairdresser's
0:22:57 > 0:23:01and there was a woman next to me getting hair extensions.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I don't understand people doing stuff to themselves like that.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I don't understand hair extensions.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I know you're not doing it to try to attract the opposite sex
0:23:10 > 0:23:13but if you are, I think you're wasting your time.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I've never met a bloke who's gone, "I really love her. Really love her.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21"I just wish her hair was longer, instantly. Just like overnight."
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Then she tried to tidy my eyebrows up.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30She said, "Can I tidy your eyebrows up?" I don't let anyone do that to me.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I tell you why. Here's a question. Who likes sex? Yes.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Lady there put her hand up. It's not an auction.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42One, two, three, six and nine.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I like sex. I think I'm pretty brilliant at it.
0:23:48 > 0:23:55Last time I was in Edinburgh I had a one-night stand.
0:23:56 > 0:24:03Because I was...lonely. Pretty lonely. It was with this woman.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What she decided to do to herself,
0:24:05 > 0:24:12she decided to pluck all her eyebrows out, all of them.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14And then draw them back on with a pencil.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I don't understand why you'd do that.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23She wasn't one these people doing it in a shopping centre.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I see people doing that. It wasn't one of those.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29She'd taken off and drawn them on. Why would you do this?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I'd like to be there when it happens. I'd like to see the process.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I'd like to see the... Just tidy these up.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Just even it up.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51No.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Oh, God.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05In for a penny.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Not quite the look I was going for.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Let's draw them on with a crayon. there we go.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23We went back to her flat for a beautiful night of love.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26I woke up next to her the next morning. I looked over her. I was...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I was looking at her and they'd come off.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It was like lying next to Voldemort or something.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I couldn't see them. I thought they might be on the pillow.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45I couldn't see them. I thought, "I'm getting out of here. I'm a gentleman."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Anyway...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I kicked off the covers and got out of bed.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I caught myself in the mirror on the way out. They were on me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Like I need more eyebrows.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I've got four, she's got none.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04I caught myself in the mirror and was a bit shocked. I went, "Ooh."
0:26:04 > 0:26:11This woke her up. She said, "Surprised you're still here."
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I said, "I couldn't tell."
0:26:16 > 0:26:20That's me. Thanks a lot, ladies and gentlemen. Cheerio. Good night.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Give it up for Charlie Baker.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31This woman is building herself a fantastic reputation.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33One of the sharpest comedians on the circuit.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Give it up for the wonderful Roisin Conaty.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Hello.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45You seem like a lovely crowd. My name is Roisin.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I come from a massive Irish family.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51I spend a lot of time with my 85-year-old Irish grandmother.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53She is good for material, if nothing else.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57She decided she was getting her passport renewed, even though
0:26:57 > 0:27:00she hasn't left the country in the last 15 years.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03She went and got her photos done and phoned my entire family.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07IRISH ACCENT: "My face doesn't look right. There's something wrong with
0:27:07 > 0:27:10"my face in these photos. My face looks very strange."
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I was sent down to check why her face looked strange in these photos.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I went down. I went to her house. She showed me the photos.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21You know when you go into the passport photo machine, you can choose the backgrounds?
0:27:21 > 0:27:25My nan was sat in the middle of the Manchester United football team.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Like some wrinkly little mascot.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30But when I pointed it out to her,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32she didn't quite understand the technology.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35She was acting like she'd been quantum leaped.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"Who are these men? When did it happen?"
0:27:38 > 0:27:42She was embarrassed. She phoned me up a few days later.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45"You're laughing, you think I'm stupid.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"Let me tell you this. The same thing happened to my friend Rita
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"and she's only 73." I said, "What happened to Rita?"
0:27:50 > 0:27:52"Didn't she end up in Postman Pat's van?"
0:27:56 > 0:28:00The thing is, Rita made it to the passport agency.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03The cat's not even mine. It must've snuck in.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I can't bring him to the Canary Islands.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I'm a very unhealthy person. Have we got smokers in?
0:28:10 > 0:28:11CHEERING
0:28:11 > 0:28:13At the back.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I'm a smoker. I hate being a smoker.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18For a long time I convinced myself, "I enjoy a fag, though."
0:28:18 > 0:28:22There's a point in your life when you realise you're just an addict.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I've got no say in it. We're demonised.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I hate the way the Government treats smokers. They sell us fags and patronise us.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Every year they come out like, "We're raising the price of cigarettes to deter the smoker."
0:28:32 > 0:28:38It's like, no, when you raise the price of cigarettes, all you're doing is making poor people not buy fruit.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40That's all that happens.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44"Sorry, how much were those fags? Put those apples back, Gary."
0:28:44 > 0:28:48We're sold the idea healthy people are happier. I joined a gym. I don't belong there.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52You know those men in the gym who've lifted weights for so long
0:28:52 > 0:28:55they can't put their arms where they're meant to be?
0:28:55 > 0:28:59They've lifted weights for so long they've made their arms curly.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01And they look as happy as a pig in shit.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05That's their life choice. Every day, that's how they get happier.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08"God, my arms nearly touched my sides, get down the gym!"
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Mate, what's all this in aid for?
0:29:10 > 0:29:12We've got JCBs, we don't need this.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15What are you doing this to yourself for?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18It's gone mad how much time we put into our appearance.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21People are bleaching their own bum holes, guys!
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Do you know that? You do now.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Literally looking for happiness up their own arseholes.
0:29:27 > 0:29:32I mean, OK, they came for the boobs, I said nothing.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35They came for the vaginas, with their glittery wand sticks.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39I don't know why people got scared of vaginas in the last five years.
0:29:39 > 0:29:44"Oh, God, take it off, colour it in, give it some eyes, put glitter on it, make it talk!"
0:29:44 > 0:29:49Trying to turn the vagina into a play pen. It's not a play pen, it's a bloody cathedral.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Keep out of it!
0:29:52 > 0:29:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:53 > 0:29:56When you come for the bum hole, I've got something to say.
0:29:56 > 0:30:02Firstly, most of us are still looking for happiness in the traditional areas -
0:30:02 > 0:30:06our families, our jobs, our relationships, you know.
0:30:06 > 0:30:12How good is everything in your life that you have to go looking for something to blame your malaise on?
0:30:12 > 0:30:15"No, I don't feel right. You know when you just don't feel right...
0:30:15 > 0:30:17"Hang on a minute!
0:30:17 > 0:30:20"I knew it - my arse is too arse-coloured."
0:30:23 > 0:30:27Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. Enjoy the rest of your show.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Give it up for Roisin Conaty!
0:30:33 > 0:30:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:35 > 0:30:40I'm going to keep it moving on. This next guy is an incredibly talented comic.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44He's a bit of a joke machine, you'll have seen him on Mock The Week.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Give it up, please, for Gary Delaney.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Hello, Edinburgh.
0:30:55 > 0:30:56CHEERING
0:30:56 > 0:30:59I took a poll recently and 100% of people
0:30:59 > 0:31:02were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04LAUGHTER
0:31:08 > 0:31:12I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15But on the plus side, I did make a few quid.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21I had a vindaloo last night and today my arse really stings.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Couldn't afford to pay the bill and the chef bummed me.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26LAUGHTER
0:31:28 > 0:31:32I appreciate that is a very immature and childish joke.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35And there's a reason for that - I'm very immature and childish.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37So, sorry about that.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40It's not even true. I actually had beef stew with dumplings.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl.
0:31:47 > 0:31:52The doctor told me to lose some weight. I say, "How?" He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I said, "What, pies, chips, that kind of thing?"
0:31:54 > 0:31:57He said, "No, just don't eat anything, Fatty."
0:32:03 > 0:32:06I'm not very good at dwarf impressions.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Still, heigh-ho!
0:32:08 > 0:32:11LAUGHTER
0:32:13 > 0:32:15I've got two kids, Jane and Emma.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Sadly, they do both get bullied at school.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21I can't make it stop, but I can help them learn to rise above it.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24So the other day I said, "Look, boys..."
0:32:24 > 0:32:26LAUGHTER
0:32:28 > 0:32:30This morning I made a Belgian waffle.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40I bought a very nice 12-year-old Scotch.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Obviously his parents weren't pleased.
0:32:46 > 0:32:51I though PPI was just something you could get if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53LAUGHTER
0:32:53 > 0:32:56APPLAUSE
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I've got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05And Ting.
0:33:09 > 0:33:14Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs, no-one minds.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17But when I did it, I got thrown out of the greengrocer's.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:24 > 0:33:28When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses,
0:33:28 > 0:33:32I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I hate people who complain about breast-feeding in public.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43"I don't want to see it." "That's disgusting."
0:33:43 > 0:33:46"You can't do that, you're not a woman."
0:33:46 > 0:33:48LAUGHTER
0:33:50 > 0:33:52"And that's not a baby."
0:33:54 > 0:33:56"And that's definitely not milk."
0:33:56 > 0:33:58GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:33:58 > 0:34:00I love that reaction, lovely!
0:34:00 > 0:34:05Nan always said that when she was young, she never had to worry about leaving her back door open.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07What a slag!
0:34:07 > 0:34:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:13 > 0:34:19The Archbishop of Canterbury recently said he couldn't support gay marriage without first having a mandate.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Honestly, if he's that bothered, I'll go out with him.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32I was watching a really weird porno the other day.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Then I realised I hadn't turned the telly on.
0:34:42 > 0:34:47Clearly some of you have seen it. Obviously a more popular film than I thought.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Thank you, Edinburgh, you've been lovely, I've been Gary Delaney. Goodbye.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Thank you.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Brilliant stuff. Give it up for Gary Delaney!
0:35:02 > 0:35:07This next act is a pretty cool guy. He's a good mate of mine
0:35:07 > 0:35:10and he's a fantastic comedian. He's going to be great.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Everybody, let's go absolutely mental, give it up for Tom Stade.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:22 > 0:35:23Wow!
0:35:23 > 0:35:26All right, good evening, Edinburgh.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29CHEERING Fantastic to be here.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33Um...I'm getting a little older now, man,
0:35:33 > 0:35:37and I'm finding shit is getting real weird for me.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Because I'm a very addictive person, right?
0:35:40 > 0:35:44And in my 20s, I used to be addicted to weed. I loved it.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46And then I got off of it.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49And then in my 30s, I got addicted to whisky.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51And shit got real violent.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55But the stuff I'm addicted to now...
0:35:55 > 0:35:59in my 40s, is freaking me out.
0:35:59 > 0:36:04I'm addicted to something called Groupon.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06LAUGHTER
0:36:11 > 0:36:13I don't get it.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17I've never... I don't even know how I got addicted to this.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20I got my iPhone 4.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22And that's when it happened.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Because I downloaded the Groupon app
0:36:26 > 0:36:28and they started sending me stuff,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31and if you don't know what Groupon is,
0:36:31 > 0:36:36it's this company that just fires shit out at you.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41"Here you go, monkey. You like that?"
0:36:44 > 0:36:45Relentlessly.
0:36:45 > 0:36:50Whether you need it or not...
0:36:50 > 0:36:52but it's cheap.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56And you don't want to miss out...
0:36:56 > 0:36:59on something cheap...
0:36:59 > 0:37:02that you don't goddam need.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07I've got it set on vibrate.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12Cos I don't want everybody knowing about my Groupon problem.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17And it'll vibrate at the weirdest times.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19It'll be like...zzzzzzzzz!
0:37:19 > 0:37:21And I'll be like, "Oh, my God!
0:37:21 > 0:37:24"There's a sale in my pants."
0:37:24 > 0:37:27LAUGHTER
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Do I answer the call?
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Of course I do.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Cos I'm a junkie.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43And I'm like... I'm like, "Don't look, Tom, don't look.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47"You don't want to get high again today, Tom."
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Awesome!
0:37:55 > 0:37:5864%...
0:37:59 > 0:38:03..off an indoor...
0:38:03 > 0:38:04fruit tree.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07LAUGHTER
0:38:13 > 0:38:1564%...
0:38:15 > 0:38:18off an indoor fruit tree.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21Gets you thinking, doesn't it, ma'am?
0:38:23 > 0:38:26I'm looking at that, going, you know something?
0:38:26 > 0:38:29I'm tired of growing my fruit outside.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39I am sick and tired...
0:38:39 > 0:38:41of outdoor fruit!
0:38:43 > 0:38:48We're going to bring this fruit inside and live with it.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Cos I love fruit in the morning.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57I don't want to have to go outside to get my fruit.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00I want it to be in my bedroom.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04I want to be able to wake up with my fruit.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08Cos I wake up every morning at 8.30am
0:39:08 > 0:39:11and I got big bay windows
0:39:11 > 0:39:17and I want to wake up about 8.30am when the Lord raises the sun...
0:39:17 > 0:39:22and then he brings his big sunshiny fingers,
0:39:22 > 0:39:24taps me on the head...
0:39:24 > 0:39:27"Get up, Tom."
0:39:28 > 0:39:31"It's the Lord."
0:39:31 > 0:39:33LAUGHTER
0:39:34 > 0:39:37"Is that you, Universe?"
0:39:39 > 0:39:41"It's me, Tom."
0:39:42 > 0:39:44And as it wakes me up,
0:39:44 > 0:39:48I want to look over to the woman that I've been with for 18 years,
0:39:48 > 0:39:51just lying there...in a big lump.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54LAUGHTER
0:39:57 > 0:40:01I want to sit and stare at her for about five minutes.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04And silently judge her.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05LAUGHTER
0:40:05 > 0:40:09And blame her for all the things I could have been.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15And as she opens her sleepy eyes, I want to be there for her.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18I want to be able to go, "Good morning, sunshine."
0:40:18 > 0:40:19Puh!
0:40:19 > 0:40:21"Here's a pineapple."
0:40:21 > 0:40:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Thank you very much.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Have a great time, you guys.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Give it up for Tom Stade.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40CHEERING
0:40:40 > 0:40:45Another mate of mine, a fantastic stand-up, Seann Walsh!
0:40:45 > 0:40:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Thank you very much.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Hello, Edinburgh.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58CHEERING Hello. Yes, good to be here.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00I moved in on my own recently.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03I thought, I'll live on my own, get things done.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Sort myself out.
0:41:06 > 0:41:11It's not really happened. It's difficult to sort yourself out when you've got the internet and Sky.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14What are you meant to do? How can anyone get anything done?
0:41:14 > 0:41:16All I do is scroll and flick.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20That's all I do, just scrolling, scrolling,
0:41:20 > 0:41:22scrolling, Facebook, scrolling,
0:41:22 > 0:41:24scrolling, scrolling...
0:41:24 > 0:41:28scrolling... You go back in time, weeks, months,
0:41:28 > 0:41:32scrolling, scrolling down the news feeds.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34That's not the news, is it?
0:41:34 > 0:41:39Imagine that, News At Ten, "Today's headlines, Dave Taylor just had a Pop-Tart #oldschool." What?
0:41:39 > 0:41:41LAUGHTER
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Flicking through Sky. So many adverts.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48Adverts, I really think they lie to us more than they ever have done.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Don't they? They shouldn't be allowed.
0:41:50 > 0:41:55Sometimes you watch an advert, you think, I've got that product, I know it doesn't do that.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Some of the slogans that these places have.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00"Subway - food for winners."
0:42:00 > 0:42:01What?!
0:42:01 > 0:42:06No, it's not, it's for drunk people that can't find McDonalds.
0:42:08 > 0:42:12The Lucozade ad? That's ridiculous. the Lucozade ad, isn't it?
0:42:12 > 0:42:16Men with their tops off, eight-pack, wires on their body
0:42:16 > 0:42:19connected to a machine, running on a treadmill...
0:42:21 > 0:42:22Come on!
0:42:22 > 0:42:27We all know that Lucozade is for the hangover.
0:42:28 > 0:42:33We know that. The advert for Lucozade should just be a man on a bus crying.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36LAUGHTER
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Head leant against the bus window...
0:42:47 > 0:42:49LAUGHTER
0:42:49 > 0:42:52With a slogan - "Lucozade: buy two bottles if you've got work."
0:42:52 > 0:42:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:06The advert that really annoys me now - there's loads of them -
0:43:06 > 0:43:08is the smartphone ads.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11All these ads for the smartphones are all the same.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13You see them all the time.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16Soft focus, low lighting,
0:43:16 > 0:43:19the sunshine shining through the gaps
0:43:19 > 0:43:21in the spring trees.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23There'll be a young guy with a cap on,
0:43:23 > 0:43:25rucksack, skateboard,
0:43:25 > 0:43:27always smiling.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31Who does this? I never smile at my phone.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35There'll be a jingle on and a guy who'll check his phone...
0:43:35 > 0:43:37LAUGHTER
0:43:39 > 0:43:41..smiling at what he's filming.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44LAUGHTER
0:43:49 > 0:43:51Dancing to the MP3s.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53On their own.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55LAUGHTER
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Who does this? No-one does this. Come on.
0:43:59 > 0:44:01I've got one of these smartphones. They hardly ever work.
0:44:01 > 0:44:04I think adverts should have to be live footage of real people
0:44:04 > 0:44:07using the real product, don't you?
0:44:07 > 0:44:12Then the smartphone ads would go a bit more like this...
0:44:12 > 0:44:14KEYBOARD PLAYS
0:44:17 > 0:44:19Hello?
0:44:19 > 0:44:20Hey. Hello? Hello?
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Hello? Hello? Hello?
0:44:23 > 0:44:25Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? What about now?
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Can you hear me now?
0:44:27 > 0:44:30I have my head out the window. Can you hear me now?
0:44:30 > 0:44:32LAUGHTER
0:44:32 > 0:44:34The maps are brilliant. Look at these maps.
0:44:34 > 0:44:37Hang on, I can't work out which way I'm facing.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39LAUGHTER
0:44:40 > 0:44:42Is that dot me or where we're going?
0:44:42 > 0:44:45What's going on?
0:44:45 > 0:44:46What is this?
0:44:47 > 0:44:49Take a picture.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53(Brilliant). Can we do it again?
0:44:53 > 0:44:55I filmed it. Sorry.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:45:04 > 0:45:07"Why don't you Google it?" "I would do but I've got no 3G."
0:45:07 > 0:45:10I just have that little circle, so it takes six hours!
0:45:10 > 0:45:13LAUGHTER
0:45:13 > 0:45:15"Why not call him?" "Can't - battery's dead."
0:45:15 > 0:45:18"Show me that photo from last night." "Can't - battery's dead."
0:45:18 > 0:45:21"Show me that video from last night." "Can't - battery's dead."
0:45:21 > 0:45:24"Let's have a look at that text." "Can't - battery's dead."
0:45:24 > 0:45:27"Use the calculator." "Can't - battery's dead.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30"Battery's dead, battery's dead.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33"Battery's dead, battery's dead, battery's dead.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35"Battery's dead, battery's dead.
0:45:35 > 0:45:36"I think I've charged it.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39"Ah, forgot to turn it on by the mains."
0:45:39 > 0:45:41LAUGHTER
0:45:41 > 0:45:43I'm Seann Walsh.
0:45:43 > 0:45:44Take care, good night
0:45:44 > 0:45:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:49 > 0:45:51Give it up for Seann Walsh!
0:45:51 > 0:45:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:54 > 0:45:57I'll keep the comedy cracking along.
0:45:57 > 0:46:01One of the fastest-rising young comics - give it up for Ivo Graham!
0:46:01 > 0:46:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Hello.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17Are we good?
0:46:17 > 0:46:18AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:46:18 > 0:46:21I know I'm not the most convincing comedian.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24I know I'm not the most convincing adult male.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26LAUGHTER
0:46:26 > 0:46:29Got about four minutes to prove it to you. And I will.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31I'll tell you about the most adult and dangerous thing I've done,
0:46:31 > 0:46:36was in November last year I lost my driving licence.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38LAUGHTER
0:46:38 > 0:46:41Already I say that and I regret it. I've lied to you to try and sound more cool.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43What actually happened was I got two speeding tickets
0:46:43 > 0:46:46and was denied use of my parents' car.
0:46:46 > 0:46:47Oh!
0:46:47 > 0:46:49LAUGHTER
0:46:49 > 0:46:52I've tried to juice up that anecdote a bit.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54Two speeding tickets, what a way to go(!)
0:46:54 > 0:46:56The second one was a sad day.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59I got caught doing 88 miles an hour.
0:46:59 > 0:47:01Which you may recognise
0:47:01 > 0:47:03as the magic time-travelling speed from Back To The Future.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05LAUGHTER
0:47:05 > 0:47:08I'm delighted to reveal that film is documentary fact.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10At 88 miles an hour there was a flash of light
0:47:10 > 0:47:14and I was sent back in time...to 2010, when I can't drive.
0:47:14 > 0:47:15LAUGHTER
0:47:17 > 0:47:19That's a shame - as a wannabe adult, passing my driving test
0:47:19 > 0:47:222.5 years ago is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24You lose that, think, "I've peaked.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26"The rest of my life will be the life of Benjamin Button,
0:47:26 > 0:47:29"going backwards, undoing everything I've achieved so far."
0:47:29 > 0:47:32I started off by losing my driving licence. What next?
0:47:32 > 0:47:34Get my virginity back and return to university?
0:47:34 > 0:47:36Yeah, in that order.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39LAUGHTER
0:47:39 > 0:47:41You have to pay attention
0:47:41 > 0:47:44or some of the tragedy will escape you.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47I wasn't ready for the sexually competitive world of university,
0:47:47 > 0:47:49mainly as I referred to it as
0:47:49 > 0:47:51"the sexually competitive world of university."
0:47:51 > 0:47:52LAUGHTER
0:47:52 > 0:47:56Also as I'd spent my teenage years in an all-boys boarding school.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Not the best way to prep yourself for adulthood.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01I'm not sure what you did with Friday nights as teenagers.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04Mine were spent with six or seven other students,
0:48:04 > 0:48:07participating in something called The Historical Board Game Society.
0:48:07 > 0:48:08LAUGHTER
0:48:10 > 0:48:13I won't stand here and knock The Historical Board Game Society.
0:48:13 > 0:48:17That would be very disloyal of a former vice-president.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19LAUGHTER
0:48:20 > 0:48:24Who needs girls and booze when you have half the Austro-Hungarian empire under your thumb?
0:48:24 > 0:48:25Not this legend!
0:48:25 > 0:48:27LAUGHTER
0:48:29 > 0:48:31I was also house catering rep in my last year.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34No-one wanted to get on the wrong side of the house catering rep.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37To most people, not a very important position,
0:48:37 > 0:48:39but if you had a nut allergy...
0:48:39 > 0:48:40LAUGHTER
0:48:40 > 0:48:43..you put your life in the hands of my menu choices
0:48:43 > 0:48:45up to three times a day.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48I loved that power. "Watch out for Ivo Graham and his hidden cashews,"
0:48:48 > 0:48:50they used to say, I imagine.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53LAUGHTER
0:48:55 > 0:48:57Imagine being able to choose your school food every day.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00I wielded that power.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02I made my enemies, obviously.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04Some people objected to the more left-field vegetables
0:49:04 > 0:49:06I tried to introduce.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09We all remember the Mange Tout? Non Merci! campaign of 2007.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11LAUGHTER
0:49:15 > 0:49:18Second-most dangerous thing that happened to me at school.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20The first was I organised a Mario Kart tournament
0:49:20 > 0:49:22that was shut down by the authorities
0:49:22 > 0:49:24because it had become too violent.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26Both on and off-screen.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28I was furious at the time.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30How did the authorities find out?
0:49:30 > 0:49:33Someone had broken the first rule of Mario Kart club.
0:49:33 > 0:49:34LAUGHTER
0:49:34 > 0:49:37Do not talk about Mario Kart club.
0:49:37 > 0:49:39We all know the second rule.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41No banana skins on Koopa Troopa beach.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43LAUGHTER
0:49:43 > 0:49:46We're not animals.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49I'm aware there's a tenth of the room enjoying that
0:49:49 > 0:49:52and others going, "We thought mange tout was niche..."
0:49:52 > 0:49:55LAUGHTER
0:49:55 > 0:49:57These were great experiences at school,
0:49:57 > 0:50:01just not ones that prep you for the sexually competitive world of university.
0:50:01 > 0:50:02I arrived at university and realised
0:50:02 > 0:50:06I wasn't the male stereotype that dominates the university landscape.
0:50:06 > 0:50:07I wasn't a lad.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10Men who drink a lot of beer, play a lot of rugby,
0:50:10 > 0:50:12throw things in bins from improbable distances
0:50:12 > 0:50:14and high-five one another.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16They love to high-five a bin throw.
0:50:16 > 0:50:17Oh, yeah!
0:50:17 > 0:50:19Successful or otherwise.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21I was intimidated by these men,
0:50:21 > 0:50:23by how they talked about women.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26I'm sure you've heard the verbs these lads bandy around
0:50:26 > 0:50:28to talk about their sexual experiences.
0:50:28 > 0:50:31Verbs I couldn't imagine using.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34Verbs like...
0:50:34 > 0:50:37annihilate, and destroy!
0:50:37 > 0:50:40Wow! What a dream!
0:50:40 > 0:50:41LAUGHTER
0:50:41 > 0:50:45It won't surprise you to learn I've never annihilated a woman.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47LAUGHTER
0:50:47 > 0:50:49I've certainly perturbed and unnerved women.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52LAUGHTER
0:50:52 > 0:50:55Made apologetic cameo appearances inside women.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Thanks, I've been Ivo. Bye!
0:51:05 > 0:51:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:11 > 0:51:12Give it up for Ivo Graham!
0:51:12 > 0:51:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:15 > 0:51:17This next guy you know well.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20The host of Live At The Electric.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23He's fantastic - Russell Kane!
0:51:23 > 0:51:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Scotland, hello! I love this place.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Thank you for my career.
0:51:35 > 0:51:36LAUGHTER
0:51:36 > 0:51:38I love watching you shuffle in.
0:51:38 > 0:51:41You can spot the English and Scots people coming to a gig.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44"Though we're about to have fun, heads down, don't look to the side."
0:51:44 > 0:51:47The most we risk on these islands is a side look
0:51:47 > 0:51:48on the way in.
0:51:51 > 0:51:52Not like Brazilian people -
0:51:52 > 0:51:54BRAZILIAN ACCENT: "I look around me!
0:51:54 > 0:51:57"I take everyone in. My scrotum's fallen out, not a problem."
0:51:57 > 0:51:59LAUGHTER
0:51:59 > 0:52:02Have you ever been side-looked
0:52:02 > 0:52:04by the person you're side-looking?
0:52:04 > 0:52:07It's like an electric shock. You look up like that, they look at you.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09"I've been side-looked by the side-looker."
0:52:09 > 0:52:11We like keeping it small. Even at a comedy gig,
0:52:11 > 0:52:13the audience laughs, then...
0:52:13 > 0:52:16SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..Back to normal, "Prove yourself again, jester."
0:52:16 > 0:52:18LAUGHTER
0:52:18 > 0:52:19Has anyone here ever tried
0:52:19 > 0:52:22to learn Spanish or Italian or Portuguese? Anyone?
0:52:22 > 0:52:26We struggle - we're so self-conscious in the first lessons.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28We don't move our mouths. "Buenos dias."
0:52:28 > 0:52:31Look how a Spanish person speaks. "Buenos dias."
0:52:31 > 0:52:33LAUGHTER
0:52:33 > 0:52:36Look at us. "Good morning. Carol, good morning."
0:52:36 > 0:52:38"Buenos dias."
0:52:38 > 0:52:41A Spanish person declaring their love.
0:52:41 > 0:52:42"Ti quiero!" Look at that!
0:52:42 > 0:52:46A Spanish man will break his own jaw if he's in love enough.
0:52:46 > 0:52:47"Te quiero!" SNAPPING SOUND
0:52:47 > 0:52:49"I love you so much my jaw is broken."
0:52:49 > 0:52:51An English man - "Carol, I love you.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53"Carol, I love you."
0:52:53 > 0:52:56An English person having sex. "Sorry! I love you. Sorry!
0:52:56 > 0:52:58"I love you. Sorry!"
0:53:01 > 0:53:03APPLAUSE
0:53:03 > 0:53:05The Scots are slightly better than us
0:53:05 > 0:53:07but the one thing that unifies these islands -
0:53:07 > 0:53:10we love keeping ourselves to ourselves. Our little picket fence.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13We don't like anything different to happen.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15That's why we don't make holiday friends.
0:53:15 > 0:53:18Anyone who enjoys making holiday friends - you are not typical
0:53:18 > 0:53:20Scots or English.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23"Hey, it's Mark and Carol from yesterday!"
0:53:23 > 0:53:24"Piss off, you tossers!"
0:53:24 > 0:53:26LAUGHTER
0:53:26 > 0:53:29"It's the people that befriended us.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31"Come in.
0:53:31 > 0:53:34"My name's Mark from Surrey. I thought we'd come to every meal."
0:53:34 > 0:53:37"Without your teeth?! Prick!" LAUGHTER
0:53:37 > 0:53:40Anyone not laughing at that - you are those tossers!
0:53:40 > 0:53:42LAUGHTER
0:53:42 > 0:53:45You shouldn't even speak to the people you're on holiday with!
0:53:45 > 0:53:49One of the things I really admire...you can do a test.
0:53:49 > 0:53:50It's not even a British thing.
0:53:50 > 0:53:55It's how good you are at becoming toddler-like at night and having that baby sleep.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57How many people do inspiring jobs?
0:53:57 > 0:54:00Our social workers, teachers, policemen, nurses -
0:54:00 > 0:54:01real jobs, unlike me.
0:54:01 > 0:54:04Yet no matter what lives you've changed,
0:54:04 > 0:54:07what life you've created, who you've expelled,
0:54:07 > 0:54:08locked up, you get in that bed and sleep
0:54:08 > 0:54:10like an angel. You bastards.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12LAUGHTER
0:54:12 > 0:54:14The other half - you're with me.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17Who needs perfect conditions for sleep?
0:54:17 > 0:54:19Give me a cheer. Blackout curtains.
0:54:19 > 0:54:20Perfect mattress.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22"I've heard a pin drop.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24"I'll think about Egypt till 5am. Oh, no!"
0:54:24 > 0:54:26LAUGHTER
0:54:27 > 0:54:29Horrible.
0:54:29 > 0:54:30Be honest here.
0:54:30 > 0:54:35Those of you who need perfect conditions for sleep like me -
0:54:35 > 0:54:38are you in a relationship with the other frickin' type?
0:54:38 > 0:54:42We spend our whole lives listening to your blissful frickin' breathing.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45"I've had such a stressful day at work, I won't be able to..."
0:54:45 > 0:54:48HE SNORES Bastards!
0:54:50 > 0:54:53"I didn't even hear the storm." "Really? Keep going on about it, dick!"
0:54:53 > 0:54:56"You really helped me with the problem(!)" Arseholes!
0:54:57 > 0:55:00They don't even recline their seat. I'm driving from Essex to Edinburgh.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02"You have the seat. Recline it." "No need."
0:55:02 > 0:55:04HE SNORES
0:55:04 > 0:55:07Just a useless bobbing head.
0:55:07 > 0:55:09With a string of dribble like that.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12"Oh, we're in Edinburgh. It went so quickly!"
0:55:12 > 0:55:14"Did it, dick? I bet it did!"
0:55:14 > 0:55:17LAUGHTER Unbelievable!
0:55:17 > 0:55:19"I'm going to get to sleep." "There's no bed."
0:55:19 > 0:55:21"It's OK, there's a spike and some fibreglass."
0:55:21 > 0:55:23LAUGHTER
0:55:26 > 0:55:29You're the same freaks that don't get up for a wee during the night.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31LAUGHTER
0:55:31 > 0:55:33How do you do it?
0:55:33 > 0:55:36I drink nothing, just a thimble of Horlicks at 3pm.
0:55:36 > 0:55:402am - jet of piss, 4am - jet of piss. 6am - jet of piss.
0:55:40 > 0:55:43Think about Egypt, day ruined. That's me.
0:55:43 > 0:55:47APPLAUSE
0:55:51 > 0:55:54This is my partner, Lindsey: "I'll have five pints of Ribena - it's bedtime!"
0:55:54 > 0:55:56HE GLUGS
0:55:56 > 0:55:58Ten hours' sleep - power piss.
0:55:58 > 0:56:00HE MAKES SKOOSHING NOISE
0:56:00 > 0:56:03SCOTTISH ACCENT: Ladies and gentlemen of Caledonia, thank you.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06I've been an Englishman. Good night!
0:56:06 > 0:56:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:12 > 0:56:14Russell Kane!
0:56:14 > 0:56:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:16 > 0:56:19And give it up for everyone you've seen this evening.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:21 > 0:56:24This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Take care.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Good night. Thank you.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:45 > 0:56:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd