0:00:22 > 0:00:25It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Please welcome your host, Adam Hills!
0:00:29 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello, Edinburgh.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live. Are you in good form?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Crazy, drunken Scots!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Every year I come back here, I just...
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Whenever I hear the Scottish accent for the first time, I get excited.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54The first time I ever came up here, I was on a train from Nottingham.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I had been on the train for about two hours and then I just heard it.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I just heard the announcement that just went...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:- "Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to advise you
0:01:03 > 0:01:06"you're now approaching Berwick upon the River Tweed,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09"known as the border between England and Scotland.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11"Although the real border is a few miles away yet.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15"We'll let you know when we get there."
0:01:15 > 0:01:18You get the whole train carriage going, "Oh, come on!"
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Two minutes later,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22"Ladies and gentlemen, you're now crossing the border from England.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24"Welcome to Scotland."
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:01:26 > 0:01:30It was all I could do to not stand up and go, "Freedom!"
0:01:30 > 0:01:34It was amazing. First thing I saw when I got here is still one of my favourite places in the world,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36the Royal Hospital for Sick Children.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Which does a great job but also appeared to me
0:01:38 > 0:01:42to be the most specific place name ever in the world.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I love it, but Royal Hospital for Sick Children...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Do you need the word "sick"...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:53..in the name of a hospital?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Or is there a Royal Hospital for Healthy Children somewhere?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Keep expecting to walk past the Edinburgh Cemetery for Dead People.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:05In my first year here, I went to the Peter Andre Concert for Wankers.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And every year I come here and I try and find something new to say
0:02:12 > 0:02:16about the Scottish that isn't just, you drink a lot and you swear a lot.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And my first night here this Fringe, I thought, you know what,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23it's ten at night, I'm just going to walk through the city and I'm just going to see what I see,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and see if I can see something new that isn't drinking and swearing.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Honestly, I'm not making this up,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34these are the two things I saw as I walked through the city.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I saw two guys having an argument with a shop mannequin.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43And consciously, it wasn't like they thought it was a guy, they knew what they were doing.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Two guys going, "Hey, hey, where's the train station?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48"Where's Waverley Station, ya bastard?!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:51There's a guy on the other side - "Is he not talking?" "He's no' talking to me.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55"I'm talking to you, ya bastard!" Purely for their own amusement.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Yay!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- HE LAUGHS - Yay!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Of course it is the International Festival, so there are people here from all nationalities.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm assuming there are Irish people in the room?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- SCATTERED CHEERING - Just a few of you. Good on you. Lovely, you're brilliant.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I think you know what kind of time you'll have in a country by the ads in the airport when you arrive.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14You come to Australia and these big ads that go,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17"Alice Springs, Ayers Rock," and you go, "I'm going to get rugged in this place."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You arrive in America and it's like flags and you go...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- IN AMERICAN ACCENT:- "I'm going to get nationalistic here."
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You arrive in Ireland and there's just, like, ads for Guinness.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Baileys. "I'm going to get so drunk in this country."
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Even the guy that checks your passport is friendly in Ireland.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34You go to some places like Germany, they're like...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- IN GERMAN ACCENT:- "How long are you staying in ze country?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Come to London as an Aussie, it's like...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- IN HARSH COCKNEY ACCENT: - "When are you leavin'?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Went to Ireland for the first time, there's a guy going...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- IN JOVIAL IRISH ACCENT:- "How long are you staying with us? Ohhh!"
0:03:46 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Thought I was going to move in with him and his wife.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"Ah, sure, you can stay upstairs.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56"Breakfast is at nine, there's pillows on the bed for you."
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But my favourite... Here's the thing I was told about Ireland.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01You're not in Ireland until you drink a pint of Guinness.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04But you're not really in Ireland until you wake up the morning after
0:04:04 > 0:04:08drinking way too many Guinnesses and you do the big black Guinness poo.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13My first night in Ireland, I had 14 pints of Guinness.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Next morning, my poo wasn't just black, it took
0:04:16 > 0:04:20two-and-a-half minutes to come out and had white foam on top.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I had to do half of it and then let it settle for five minutes.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Are you fired up, Scotland?!
0:04:33 > 0:04:34CHEERING
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Let's go as loud as you possibly can for your first act,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40a man who was nominated for Best Newcomer at this festival,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Romesh Ranganathan!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Hello. AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Very excited to be here.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I, uh, I've been up here all month.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01I've been away from my wife, and my wife's quite glad about that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04She's actually told me to stop talking to the children.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07And the reason for that is I've got certain views and opinions
0:05:07 > 0:05:10and she doesn't want them soaking them up.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13For example, I'm really into my conspiracy theories.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16One of the things that I believe quite strongly is that
0:05:16 > 0:05:18call centre workers...
0:05:18 > 0:05:22just pretending to be Indian because they can't be arsed to help you.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Something I strongly believe.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I'm into my football. I really like the football. I'm a big fan.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43My issue with football is how much it costs to go and watch the game.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Like, for the price of a single ticket to go
0:05:45 > 0:05:50and watch a football match, I could take my whole family to a farm park.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52We could go on the donkeys.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54We could get lunch and tea.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I could go on a tractor. All for the price of a single ticket.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01And that's why I go and watch the football.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Cos there is no way I want to do that.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08The problem for me being a parent is I've got a very short attention span.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10When my wife was pregnant with our first son,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12we went along for the scan, they show you this picture,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15it looks like a walnut, you're supposed to get emotional.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17The nurse points to the picture and says,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"It's a boy, there's his penis."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I looked at the picture and I thought, "Oh, my God,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"that penis looks like an arm."
0:06:25 > 0:06:29And I don't mean cos he takes after Daddy, I mean it had a hinge!
0:06:29 > 0:06:30It had a HINGE!
0:06:32 > 0:06:33I'm looking the picture, I think,
0:06:33 > 0:06:38"Oh, my God, what if my son has got a third arm growing out his waist?"
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Then I start thinking, "Oh, my God, how cool would it be...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"to have a third arm growing out of your waist?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I start thinking about that, the nurse carries on talking.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51She brings me back into the room by saying, "Would that be OK, Romesh?"
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Now...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I've got no idea if that would be OK or not.
0:06:56 > 0:07:02I've been thinking about being able to wave at someone while taking a piss! I've got absolutely no idea.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:08But I don't want to look like an idiot, so I just say, "Yes, yes, that
0:07:08 > 0:07:12"would be OK." And then she writes down, "Romesh to deliver placenta."
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I had no idea you could even do that. I was so confused.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I said to her, "Where exactly will I be taking it?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"Don't know what you're on about." One of the things is, you know,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31it's been exciting having exam results come out recently.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34And it brings me back to my time as a teacher.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I used to do exam invigilation.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Now, for those of you who don't know, this is where the kids are sitting in the hall doing exams
0:07:40 > 0:07:42and you've got to walk around and make sure they're not cheating
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and they've got enough rulers.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Incredibly boring. I had to find a way of passing the time.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The way that I did this is I played Battleship.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54How it worked was, I'd get a piece of paper and I'd write down
0:07:54 > 0:07:58on a piece of paper the kid that I thought was the ugliest in the room.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Or the kid that I thought was going to be the last one to ever have sex.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Then the other teacher would walk through the hall...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:13..and they would stop by the kid they thought I was talking about.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:22And if they got it correct, then they had sunk my battleship.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28One of the other things I found mental about being in schools is
0:08:28 > 0:08:31because of political correctness - which I agree with,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33but I do think has gone a little bit bonkers -
0:08:33 > 0:08:37all textbooks in schools have got to be multicultural.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Which means that every single question in every single textbook
0:08:40 > 0:08:42has got to have a black kid and a white kid in it.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Or a white kid and an Asian kid in it. Now, I don't know about you,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49but I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with a kid of another colour if,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52every time I met up with him, he wanted to do bloody maths!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56The questions you get in these books are amazing, right.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00You get questions like, "Philip thinks that the answer is eight.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"Dilip..."
0:09:03 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"..thinks that the answer is ten. Which one is correct?"
0:09:10 > 0:09:14And a kid would put his hand up and say, "I think Dilip's correct." And I'd say, "Why?"
0:09:14 > 0:09:17And they would say, "Oh, cos Asian kids are bods, in't they?"
0:09:17 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And actually have to give him half marks.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Ladies and gentlemen, you genuinely have been, um, adequate.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29So thank you so much. I've been Romesh Ranganathan, good night.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Romesh Ranganathan!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40All right, ladies and gentlemen, keep that applause going
0:09:40 > 0:09:43for one of the loveliest men in comedy, Hal Cruttenden!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46CHEERING
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Hello! Lovely to be here, lovely to be in Scotland.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55A year out from the independence referendum.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Scotland is very divided. I think it's very divided.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59A very divided country at the moment.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Very divided between people who want independence and hate the English...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08..and people who want to stay in the Union and hate the English. It's...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Hate, hate is a strong word. I know we annoy you. I know that.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I know we do. I know that whenever England are playing football,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21most Scottish people support the opposition. Yeah?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23We do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I love being here, love being up for the festival. I do miss my family.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I miss my wife and kids. I am married to a woman.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I know what you're thinking... Shush. LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I'm not, I'm just very, very English.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48My wife is Northern Irish. She is, Northern Irish.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I love Northern Irish people. Very hard to understand the accent.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Very hard.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I can be in a pub in Northern Ireland and people are going...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And I'm like, "Yes, no, I don't know."
0:10:59 > 0:11:02The English are very bad at understanding accents, and I think
0:11:02 > 0:11:05this is why, historically, we have treated countries around us so badly.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Like in the years before independence,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10the Irish were saying, "We'd like you to leave now."
0:11:10 > 0:11:13We go, "You want us to rule for hundreds of years? No problem!"
0:11:15 > 0:11:18You Scots were going, "You can take our life, but you'll never
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"take our freedom!"
0:11:20 > 0:11:24We go, "You want the poll tax a year early? Of course, consider it done!"
0:11:25 > 0:11:29We don't understand. But Northern Irish, it is a scary accent as well.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It is scary in my wife's accent. You know, it's...
0:11:31 > 0:11:34My children are more scared of my wife than they are of me.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I've sat them down and said, "Don't you find me a little bit scary?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And they say, "No, your face wobbles when you get angry."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46When I was a kid and I was naughty, my mum would say,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Wait till your father gets home."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I mainly work in the evenings.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53When my kids are naughty, my wife says to them...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "Wait till your father goes out."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59That's the wrong way round, isn't it? LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:01But it's a scary accent, it is.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Northern Irish is, and my wife does have a very bad temper.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I know that's a real Northern Irish stereotype,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08but when she gets angry, she just explodes.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11That's an unfortunate term to use about a Northern Irish person, but...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER ..she just does.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Can't have a quiet row with my wife.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19If I'm in a shop with her, having a little row, I'm saying something
0:12:19 > 0:12:23bitchy like, "I think you're being a little bit unfair about that."
0:12:23 > 0:12:26And she'll just say, "You're an arsehole! You really are!"
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'm very English and middle class,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'd rather grow a tumour than make a fuss.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I am very middle class, I accept that.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40A friend of mine said to me, "You will never
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"understand about football cos you're too middle class.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"It's a working-class game." And I said, "No, I'm sorry,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"football has priced working-class people out of the game."
0:12:49 > 0:12:52You go to a lot of grounds now and it's just middle-class fans
0:12:52 > 0:12:54pretending to be working class.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57You see people, "Oi, referee, you wanker!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00"I'm so sorry about the language, Giles, but..."
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"Mm, God knows what school he went to!"
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I get annoyed by the lack of perspective in football.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11There is a lack of perspective amongst fans.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I heard a Manchester United fan being interviewed on the radio
0:13:15 > 0:13:18about the retirement of Alex Ferguson.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23And he said, "When I heard Fergie was going, it was like a death in
0:13:23 > 0:13:27the family for me." And the presenter said, "Yeah, mate, I understand."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Not, "You emotionally retarded twat."
0:13:32 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Because I'd like the media to start getting tough on football fans
0:13:41 > 0:13:44with no sense of perspective. I'd like to see that.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Like, you know, end of the season,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I'd like to see Match Of The Day, Gary Lineker sitting there, going,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"Well, if your team has been relegated
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"and you're sitting at home crying,
0:13:53 > 0:13:58"maybe it's time you redirected your energy to something that matters...
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"like your wife and kids. Good night, and grow up."
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Wouldn't that be lovely?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Thank you very much, you've been a delight.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Ladies and gentlemen, Hal Cruttenden!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of your own.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I saw him a few years ago when he started out
0:14:26 > 0:14:28and went, "He is absolutely amazing."
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Every year I come back, he's doing better and going from strength to strength.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Would you please welcome to the stage the amazing Des Clarke!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Hello, everyone. That's so lovely, that is the Scottish welcome,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49thank you very much for that, ladies and gentlemen.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53This is true Scottish support. This is what we are world famous for.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Wasn't it great?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57One of my favourite moments of the year,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00when the Tartan Army went to London, we played England
0:15:00 > 0:15:02and we caused not one bit of trouble. Wasn't that great?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:0820,000 Scottish fans in Trafalgar Square. A big fountain.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10They all said, "They'll pee in that fountain."
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Oh, no.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Instead, we filled that fountain with bubble bath.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:20We put Fairy Liquid, soap powder in there - there were suds everywhere.
0:15:20 > 0:15:2283 pigeons died, but what a day!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:27That's the friendliest football hooligans in the world!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30We will come to your city and clean it up for you, thank you.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:34But we think differently.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37We travel round the world and everywhere we go, we think differently.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I was told as a young boy the Scottish accent was sexy.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44"Everywhere you go, you'll melt the hearts of women abroad." I went to New York.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I thought, "The Americans will love this."
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I was chatting up this girl. In my head I thought, "Here we go.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51"Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor..."
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Opened my mouth, Groundskeeper Willie off The Simpsons.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:15:59"Toss my caber." I was thrown out, right?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I did ye proud. I was doing all the best Scottish chat-up lines.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"Dinnae bite the boabie."
0:16:04 > 0:16:05I thought I was in, right?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"You're getting pumped." I thought, "Why's this not working?"
0:16:10 > 0:16:14This girl's looking at me, going. "Oh, my God, your accent, your accent!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I went, "What about my accent?" She went, "You sound like Shrek."
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"Thanks(!)"
0:16:19 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:24We don't travel that well. I was even intimidated the first time I went to London.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I was 22, I thought, "This is huge!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"How will I get around here? Will I use a map?" Then I thought, "Sod it,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"I'll use Monopoly." Big mistake.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I got chased down the street with a big shoe. I was crapping myself.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:40They have a Glasgow Monopoly now. It's one big square
0:16:40 > 0:16:42that says "go to jail". It's a great game, I love it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:46APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I can say that as a proud Glaswegian.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55We think differently, specifically.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I was in the train station in Glasgow,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59trying to get to another place in Scotland called Airdrie.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Yay!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Thank you, fans of methadone.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:12The way I phrased it, I got such a cheeky but logical answer back
0:17:12 > 0:17:13from the guy serving me.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I said to him innocently, trying to find out the price of the ticket,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"What's the difference between a single and a return to Airdrie?"
0:17:20 > 0:17:21And this guy turned round and went,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"The single will take you to Airdrie, the return will bring you back."
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Genius!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33HE LAUGHS
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You cannot make that up.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Doing a gig in Glasgow, great heckle responses you get.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43This comedian from down south had never done a gig in Scotland before.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44After ten minutes, it was worse.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48He wisnae being heckled, he was being ignored.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Two guys went to Tesco's, right?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53After the ten minutes, he tried to reach out into the crowd
0:17:53 > 0:17:55and what a response he got back. He went,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57"What's happening here? Am I invisible?"
0:17:57 > 0:18:00A guy in the crowd turned loudly to his mate and went, "Who said that?"
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Genius!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:07This is who we are.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I walked down to a bank. The guy behind the till was like that,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"Mr Clarke, you have an outstanding debt." I was like that,
0:18:13 > 0:18:14"Thanks very much!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18"I think you helped, you old scamp, give me a fiver, right?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Why is it that banks, when you go to get your own money,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25they look for PIN numbers and chips and PIN, you never remember it?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26You have so much going on
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and if you forget, I hate when they do that, "It's OK, you've forgotten.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"We'll ask you a security question."
0:18:31 > 0:18:34That's harder than the PIN number! LAUGHTER
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Four digits versus your mum's dog's maiden name's brother. "Is it Brian?"
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"Don't touch yourself, you're barred."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:46To make you remember, I think they should ask you insecurity questions.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Never forget them. "Is your willy too small?"
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"It's 3-4-7-1, I've just remembered. Just came back."
0:18:51 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:52 > 0:18:54"Bolt fae the blue!"
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Listen, folks, I need to go - I need the toilet.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:06The tourists won't know about that - that's how honest we are in Scotland.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08We will tell you everything about our lives.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11We're so open, we can't have a conversation about love or romance.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13A conversation about doing the toilet,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15we'll keep you for an hour.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17We'll talk to strangers in the train station.
0:19:17 > 0:19:2030p to use the toilet, guy in front of me turned round and went,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"30p?! What is this, a season ticket(?)"
0:19:22 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Then he went, "I don't need a jobby but I'll do one. I want value!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely, have a great night.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Des Clarke, ladies and gentlemen!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Just too good!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48This next act on stage, I'll be perfectly honest,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I've never met him until just now,
0:19:50 > 0:19:54but I've seen him and he's made me cry with laughter
0:19:54 > 0:19:56on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And I got a bit star-struck.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I actually just met the guy and went,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"Oh, my God, he's the guy off the telly!"
0:20:02 > 0:20:03So I'm a little bit giggly
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and I hope you do exactly the same with a huge round of applause.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:26 > 0:20:29CHEERING CONTINUES
0:20:35 > 0:20:39All right? This is nice, innit?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41That's new. Erm...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44AUDIENCE MEMBER : Woo!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49So, yeah, nice to be here in, er...
0:20:49 > 0:20:50..whatever that says.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:56It sort of helps.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59You never know how to start.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Er...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:04..I might just wander about for a bit.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Stretch me legs.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I'll be honest with you, I'm wasting me own time.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I'm going to tell you a few things then bugger off.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20All right. Now, here we go.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I don't want to sound like I'm showing off, but I actually
0:21:23 > 0:21:25have a mobile phone.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:21:27 > 0:21:28I'm earning.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Thought, "Why not?"
0:21:32 > 0:21:36It's one of those flash ones that you can phone
0:21:36 > 0:21:38but you can also text.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"Why not?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:48So I thought...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I'll be honest with you, it's a new one
0:21:51 > 0:21:53but it's very easy to text-message
0:21:53 > 0:21:56the wrong person, like just the other day,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I text, "Hi, sexy,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"I miss you and I can't wait to hold you..."
0:22:01 > 0:22:04to my mum.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Imagine if I'd sent THAT to the wrong person!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It does not bear thinking about, does it?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:21I should point out at this point,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23you've seen lots of brilliant acts
0:22:23 > 0:22:25and got some other brilliant ones coming up.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27A lot of them do this thing,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30this lovely thing, where they link
0:22:30 > 0:22:33all their jokes, all their stories really nicely,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35so it seems like a seamless bit.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41LAUGHTER
0:22:41 > 0:22:42I can't do that.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Can't really do links.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49So I'm thinking between the bits I might just say, "Link."
0:22:49 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:55So, link, I was doing my washing the other day...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Doing my washing. I wasn't - you need a premise.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05I'm making it all up. Anyway... LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:07None of this is real!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:15So I was doing my washing - I wasn't but you get the point...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"He wasn't!" "Shut up."
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I was doing my washing. Washed all the bedclothes, put them back
0:23:24 > 0:23:26on the bed.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30But I can never get the duvet cover back onto the duvet.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35It's like trying to put a condom onto a flaccid cock.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Which, ironically, is something I CAN do.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:49HE MUMBLES
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Festival's nice.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Enjoy the festival.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56A lot of attractive people at the festival
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and that kind of, you know... don't really like them.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Attractive people, they only ever hang around
0:24:02 > 0:24:03with other attractive people.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Attractive girls hang around with other attractive girls.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Even handsome blokes hang around with other handsome blokes.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I was discussing this again in a pub the other night
0:24:13 > 0:24:15with Ken Dodd, and Shane MacGowan from the Pogues.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:21A little annoyed that worked.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Thanks a lot. I better head off now
0:24:29 > 0:24:31so, you know...
0:24:31 > 0:24:32..uh...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:36APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Joe Wilkinson!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Your next act
0:24:48 > 0:24:50is one of the biggest stars of the festival.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Give it up for Stephen K Amos!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:07That's what I'm talking about,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09a lovely, lovely Scottish welcome.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I'll tell you about myself. My name is Stephen, that is true.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I was born in a hospital in south London called
0:25:14 > 0:25:16St Stephen's Hospital,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19so you can imagine how much my parents struggled
0:25:19 > 0:25:21to come up with my bloody name.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22I can see them now on the hospital ward.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"We've had the baby." "I know." "What shall we call him?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"I don't know." "Well, look around you."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"Stephen".
0:25:29 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It was all right for me but I was born with a twin sister.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Last year she had to change her name from Hospital.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I asked my mum a couple of years ago, "Tell me honestly,
0:25:41 > 0:25:46"what was it like having twins?" Obviously, back in the day, technology was quite different.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47My mum was like, "Oh, Stephen,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"it was like all the joy and beauty of having one child
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"but totally ruined."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:57 > 0:25:59If you can't tell by the accent,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01my parents are from Nigeria.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Any Nigerians in the house?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Woo!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Shut up! But welcome...
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Mum.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:14They arrived in London many years ago and had never been back to Nigeria.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17So last year I took them back to Nigeria for the first time.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18It was quite exciting.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21We flew West African Airlines.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Or "WAA!" for short.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:31You know when you're on a plane and they do the announcements?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I thought it was quite amusing - it went,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"In the cockpit tonight is Ikifuma Olessa Ngara,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"a keen fisherman and amateur pilot."
0:26:38 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"If you are looking for your life jacket under your seat,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48"there IS no life jacket under your seat.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52"In the case of emergencies, if you see me screaming and running,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"follow, drop everything, remove your shoes!"
0:26:54 > 0:26:56LAUGHTER
0:26:58 > 0:26:59And I arrived at the airport.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Immigration at Lagos International.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Looking like I do, a bit fly,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06immigration officer takes one look at me and goes, "Ah!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"You are wearing earrings. Are you a man or a woman?"
0:27:09 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I said, "Mate, I'm a bloke."
0:27:13 > 0:27:16He said, "Shame, with your broad shoulders and powerful legs,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"you make a beautiful lady."
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:23The things I've done for a visa.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Good holiday.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I have a couple of fears I want to share with you before I leave.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33One of my big fears is water. I can't swim, right?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35It could be something to do with the afro,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I'm not particularly buoyant.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:41The afro and water should not mix, right?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43It's like a jockey's left and right testicle.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45they're never going to meet.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER
0:27:46 > 0:27:49People are amazed when I tell them I can't swim. "What's wrong with you?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51"You can't swim?!"
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I live in inner-city south London, not Atlantis. I'll get by.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I did a flight back to London recently on one of these
0:27:59 > 0:28:01low-cost airlines, right?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And my big fear is we crash over water.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Cos that is what I'd class as a very bad day.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Particularly on these airlines that charge for everything and anything. Can you imagine those ones?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15As the plane is crashing in a downward spiral, "Argh!"
0:28:15 > 0:28:17"Sir, would you like a life vest?"
0:28:17 > 0:28:19"Yes!" "49.99, please."
0:28:21 > 0:28:23"Or the whistle? £2."
0:28:23 > 0:28:26A whistle for me, underwater? What use is that?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Prr! Pfft! Prr!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32And what happens next? A dolphin appears?!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Have a great rest of the night. Thank you very much indeed.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Good night, everybody. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen K Amos!
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Hey, er, just before I go on, I want to check out the nationalities. Are there any Canadian people here?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59You know what? Canadians are so polite, there's probably five up the back going,
0:28:59 > 0:29:01"Yeah, but I don't want to ruin the show, eh?"
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Honestly, Canadians are the most polite people on the planet.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06The first time I ever went to Canada, I went to Toronto,
0:29:06 > 0:29:10when Toronto still had the world's tallest building - the CN Tower.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Not one person in Toronto told me they had the world's tallest building -
0:29:14 > 0:29:15that's how polite they are.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20If I landed in an American city with the world's tallest building, you would've known as soon you landed.
0:29:20 > 0:29:26"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chicago, HOME OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING!"
0:29:26 > 0:29:28I was in Toronto for a week and no-one said anything.
0:29:28 > 0:29:33The only reason I knew is cos I left the hotel one day and looked at the guy behind the desk and went,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36"What should I do today?" He went, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe check out the CN Tower."
0:29:36 > 0:29:39"Really? Why's that?" "Oh, no reason.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43"Just think you might like it."
0:29:43 > 0:29:46I went to the top. There wasn't even a big banner or anything.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49It was a plaque this big and one of the screws was missing.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51"CN Tower, world's tallest building."
0:29:51 > 0:29:56I went back to the guy and went, "It's the world's tallest building!" He went, "Oh, yeah, that's right.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58"Yeah, thought you might like it.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01"How do you feel about waterfalls?"
0:30:04 > 0:30:07They're amazing! And their economy's on fire.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I was in Montreal last year. This was my opening line.
0:30:10 > 0:30:14I'd walk out and go, "G'day, Canada, I'm from Australia. We've got three things in common.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16"We've got the Queen on our money, we love drinking beer
0:30:16 > 0:30:20"and right now our dollar is worth more than the American."
0:30:20 > 0:30:22And every night, 100 Canadians would go, "Yeah!"
0:30:22 > 0:30:25One night a guy stood up in the third row, looked me in the face and went,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27"106, man! 106!"
0:30:29 > 0:30:32"Dude, you're yelling an exchange rate at me!"
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- All right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act? - CHEERING
0:30:37 > 0:30:39She is one of the rising stars of British comedy.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42She's hilarious and she's absolutely lovely.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45Would you please welcome to the stage Sara Pascoe!
0:30:45 > 0:30:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Hello. Hi!
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Hello. Hey, it's so lovely to be here.
0:30:57 > 0:31:03I've loved the festival, and Scotland is one of my favourite parts of England. Really.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07Right, I've got five minutes to win most of you back.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09That's not how you should open a gig.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Quite a classic opening, especially, like, in a mainstream show,
0:31:12 > 0:31:16is to do something derogatory about your own appearance right at the beginning.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20So if you are fat, you might come on and go,
0:31:20 > 0:31:22"Oh, hello, I'm really fat."
0:31:23 > 0:31:26And everyone just claps and cheers and whoops.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Like, "That is so observant!"
0:31:29 > 0:31:34But I've never really been able to do that because I've kind of got it going on.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Thanks for the laughs of agreement, guys. But now I CAN talk about it.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43I've cut my own hair after a gig in Cardiff where I opened by saying,
0:31:43 > 0:31:46"Wales is one of my favourite parts of England!"
0:31:46 > 0:31:50And they shouted, "F off, English," for 18 minutes.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53That's how long I had to stay and still get paid.
0:31:53 > 0:31:58And so when I got back to my Travelodge, I had a nice cry and cut my own hair.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00But now it's actually a blessed relief
0:32:00 > 0:32:03because I'm only ever going to cut my own hair now
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and I've never enjoyed going to the hairdresser's.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I don't know if it's the same for boys as it is for girls
0:32:08 > 0:32:11but for girls, they are very mean.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17It's all, "Oh, yeah, the ends are dry. Very dry.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19"Oh, do you dye it?
0:32:19 > 0:32:22"Looks like it has DIED."
0:32:24 > 0:32:26And then my personal favourite...
0:32:26 > 0:32:28"Oh, yeah, this really needs a cut."
0:32:31 > 0:32:33"Ooh! Does it?!
0:32:33 > 0:32:37"Oh, well, I don't suppose you could recommend a hairdresser?"
0:32:37 > 0:32:43"What's that? You're one? What a coincidence!
0:32:43 > 0:32:46"I just came to look in the mirror in a backwards cape.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51"But this has worked out brilliantly!"
0:32:51 > 0:32:55But I still used to go because I like having my head touched.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00I like it a lot in a sexual way.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03This means that going to the hairdresser's isn't very relaxing,
0:33:03 > 0:33:07cos I have to really concentrate on making it look like I'm not enjoying it that much,
0:33:07 > 0:33:13cos society really frowns on a woman letting another woman 15 years her junior
0:33:13 > 0:33:16get her to that close to a happy ending without her knowledge.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20So I have to put quite a lot of energy into acting normal.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23I'm all shoulders up here and eyes wide open, while she's all,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26"Spice it up, get it wet!" And what that means is...
0:33:26 > 0:33:30LAUGHTER People laugh but that is not a joke I've intended.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33What this means is that because of all the energy
0:33:33 > 0:33:37and the concentration, I'm not at my conversational best.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39But then nor are hairdressers.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Maybe they're into it too.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46I think it's ironic that the word "salon", like a hairdressing salon,
0:33:46 > 0:33:48comes from "salon" from France,
0:33:48 > 0:33:55where salons in the 18th and 19th century were places where writers went to share ideas and be inspired.
0:33:55 > 0:34:00And now a salon is a place you wouldn't dare enter into unless you had a holiday booked.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04What else would you talk about? And I don't go on holidays.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07I think they're for the bourgeois.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09I like to travel with my work.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12I live in London - I'm on holiday now. That's why I'm so drunk.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16I've been having to drink a lot more,
0:34:16 > 0:34:18cos I've just come out of a nine-year relationship
0:34:18 > 0:34:22and I've never been single in this culture, and everything's really changed.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27There's lots of young people here - about to patronise you horribly.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30In the olden days, it was really easy to meet somebody
0:34:30 > 0:34:34because you could tell that somebody fancied you from their behaviour
0:34:34 > 0:34:36and the things that they said.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39And this has all been completely ruined by dating books
0:34:39 > 0:34:42and the invention of "playing hard to get".
0:34:42 > 0:34:46So now the first rule of fancying someone is that they must never know.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51So you don't understand if the person who blanks you at work,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53who doesn't reply to text messages and e-mails,
0:34:53 > 0:34:57genuinely hates you or has read The Game.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59And some of you might not know that reference.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03I only found out about it recently but a few years ago, a man wrote this book called The Game.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Basically, he found out the secret,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09which is that women don't like themselves very much
0:35:09 > 0:35:12and if you make them feel insecure, they will go to bed with you.
0:35:12 > 0:35:17And then he told all of the other boys and then he invented this thing called "negging",
0:35:17 > 0:35:21which is when you say mean things to speed up the process, which hairdressers knew all along.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27And I think it's such a sad thing to exist and we have to fight back
0:35:27 > 0:35:32and you do that by assuming that everybody fancies you
0:35:32 > 0:35:34but is hiding it really well.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37"Oh, is Alan actually gay...
0:35:38 > 0:35:41"..or does he know that I like a challenge?"
0:35:42 > 0:35:45"Does Stephen really like my sister...
0:35:45 > 0:35:48"or did he just marry her to make me jealous?
0:35:50 > 0:35:54"Did Frederick really commit suicide because of depression...
0:35:58 > 0:36:04"..or is he playing a game of chase me, chase me, into the afterlife?"
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Thank you so much. I hope you have an enjoyable rest of the festival.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11It's been a pleasure. My name's Sara. Good night. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Ladies and gentlemen, Sara Pascoe.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21- All right, people, are you ready for your next act? - CHEERING
0:36:21 > 0:36:24This guy has been on the comedy circuit for years.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27He is such a joy to watch and he is such a joy to hang out with backstage.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Would you please welcome to the stage Simon Evans!
0:36:30 > 0:36:33CHEERING
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Good evening.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Good evening. Before I begin, I just want to address my appearance.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45My wife suggested that I start performing wearing glasses.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48She said, "You should wear glasses - it gives you a certain air of Dignit..."
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Er, gravitas. Not Dignitas.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Well, we'll see how the gig goes.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01Maybe assisted suicide wouldn't seem such a bad option by the end of this. We'll see how we go.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05But also, she said, "You know, it gives you a sort of air - a stern air - which suits you."
0:37:05 > 0:37:10I spent the most on these glasses than I ever have before, knowing that I would wear them on stage,
0:37:10 > 0:37:13and I'm convinced they also give the impression that I'm wearing a false nose.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16That is the case, isn't it?
0:37:18 > 0:37:23I don't mind people knowing my sight is failing but that I appear to be wearing a disguise is ridiculous.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Anyway, delightful to be here in Edinburgh, one of my favourite cities, genuinely.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31People complain, walking around this place, that the weather is rather too changeable.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34I say to those people, "You should come back in the winter.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36"Not changeable then."
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Relentless.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41I love Edinburgh.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44I was here for an entire week last February and it is relentless
0:37:44 > 0:37:48but it's still a magnificent city. It has extraordinary architecture, amazing views.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51The geology itself thrusts itself into the foreground in Edinburgh
0:37:51 > 0:37:54in a way you very rarely encounter in world-class cities.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56But ultimately, it is about the people, isn't it?
0:37:56 > 0:38:00It is the people of Edinburgh that really let the place down, I feel.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Seriously, I do understand...
0:38:06 > 0:38:10how in the months of winter it is necessary to drink yourselves into a stupor,
0:38:10 > 0:38:13not merely to withstand the harshness of the climate
0:38:13 > 0:38:16but also in order to vomit copiously on the pavement,
0:38:16 > 0:38:20merely in order to see a bit of greenery for a change. It's an entirely understandable reaction.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24It's no better down south. I live as far south as you can go.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27I live in a little place called Brighton & Hove on the south coast.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30We moved to Brighton & Hove for the kids.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32For the benefit of OUR kids, that is, to make clear.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40We do a lot for our kids. We took them to Florida last year.
0:38:40 > 0:38:45I think this was the ultimate sacrifice I've ever made for any other human being. Two children.
0:38:45 > 0:38:50My wife said to me, "The time is now to take them to Disney World and the parks around Orlando.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53"Edward, the son, is four, just old enough. Matilda is eight.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57"A couple more years, Matilda will be too old - she'll be entering adolescence.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01"She'll become sulky and there'll be lots of shrugging and eye rolling and sarcasm. Take them now.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06"We have this opportunity to give them a lifetime memory that they will never forget - it's now or never."
0:39:06 > 0:39:09And I thought, "Great, so never is an option, right?"
0:39:09 > 0:39:12No, apparently that was rhetorical.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17And so I caved in and we bought a brochure for the parks and we booked a flight.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20And "the parks" is what they know this area as in America.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22It's widely known, it's understood what it refers to.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26America has done very much for the word "parks", as far as I'm concerned,
0:39:26 > 0:39:30as Germany did for the word "camps", to be honest with you.
0:39:30 > 0:39:35A previously innocent expression which I'll never again be able to hear without a shudder of horror.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37But that aside...
0:39:38 > 0:39:43..I honestly thought Disney World would be no worse than visiting a fairground on uncomfortably hot day
0:39:43 > 0:39:46and chucking four grand in a bin on the way out.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51That's what I was braced for.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55In reality, it was far worse than that. It was...
0:39:55 > 0:39:59It was more like five or six grand by the end of it, for a start.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03But also the heat, the jet lag, the confusion, the complexity...
0:40:03 > 0:40:06I was at my wits' end on a regular basis.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08I was about to lose my patience with some furry twit
0:40:08 > 0:40:12who had allowed me to stand in the wrong queue for over an hour
0:40:12 > 0:40:17when I felt a little tug my sleeve and I looked down and it was my four-year-old son
0:40:17 > 0:40:19and he did indeed have tears glistening in his eyes.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21And he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy...
0:40:21 > 0:40:24"this is bollocks."
0:40:27 > 0:40:29I have never been more proud of the boy
0:40:29 > 0:40:32and it was worth every penny to have that confirmed.
0:40:32 > 0:40:36Thank you very much. I hope that's been a rewarding lesson for you all.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Take care. Good night.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:42 > 0:40:43Simon Evans!
0:40:46 > 0:40:48All right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the stage
0:40:48 > 0:40:53one of the up-and-coming stars of the festival, a man you are going to remember for a long time.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Go wild for Marlon Davis!
0:40:55 > 0:40:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Hello!
0:41:05 > 0:41:06- AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Hey, no-one takes me seriously whatsoever at all.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12LAUGHTER You see what I mean? You lot are starting already.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16You started cos I've got this face.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Look at you people. It's not funny!
0:41:19 > 0:41:22This isn't the face of authority at all, is it?
0:41:25 > 0:41:27It's not. I couldn't be your boss at work.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Like, "Why are you late?!" Come on now!
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Got a round face.
0:41:32 > 0:41:36You know what I mean? No-one takes me... Cos I've got this voice, as well.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39It's not a commanding voice at all, is it?
0:41:39 > 0:41:42It's not. You couldn't trust me if you went to war!
0:41:42 > 0:41:45SQUEAKILY: You must fight them on the beaches!
0:41:47 > 0:41:49"What did he say?"
0:41:49 > 0:41:53"You're going to fight them on the..." HE GIGGLES
0:41:53 > 0:41:56I grew up on a council estate. I couldn't rob no-one.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58I tried!
0:41:59 > 0:42:01I was like, "Yo, give me your money."
0:42:01 > 0:42:05He was like, "Come on now. You look like Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07"Come on."
0:42:07 > 0:42:10I'm serious! "Course you are, look at his cheeks."
0:42:10 > 0:42:12This is what happens, man.
0:42:12 > 0:42:16I've been in a relationship as well, for seven years.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19Yeah, I see it like it's impressive, because it is.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23I remember when I met my girlfriend. It was in a nightclub. It was decent.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26Not like this place at all, right, it was decent!
0:42:26 > 0:42:30And I saw her on the other side of the room and I saw her,
0:42:30 > 0:42:35and I've never seen someone so beautiful in my whole entire life.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38And I needed to go over to where she was and go and speak to her.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40So I plucked up the courage and I done that.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43I walked over to where she was and I said, "Hi, what's your name?"
0:42:43 > 0:42:45And she told me what her name was.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48And I told her what my name was, and I said, "Would you like a drink?"
0:42:48 > 0:42:51She said, "I'd love a drink." I said, "Yes, let's go to the bar."
0:42:51 > 0:42:54And as I'm walking over to the bar, I realised
0:42:54 > 0:42:57I only had £3.80 in my pocket.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00And I needed half of that to get on a night bus to go home.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03But I still was prepared to buy this woman a drink and I said,
0:43:03 > 0:43:06"What would you like to drink?" And she said, "I'll have a wine, please."
0:43:06 > 0:43:10I said, "A wine..." That's touch and go.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12I might not be able to get away with this one.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15I said, "OK, bartender, can I get a wine, please?"
0:43:15 > 0:43:18What one would you like? She said, "A red wine." I said, "Cool.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21"Red wine, please." He said, "Medium or large, miss?" She said, "Medium."
0:43:21 > 0:43:24I said, "Good girl, good girl."
0:43:24 > 0:43:27And he went to go and make the drink and as he's making the drink,
0:43:27 > 0:43:31she's saying stuff in my ear, like what star sign am I, and all these other things.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33I'm not listening to nothing she's saying.
0:43:33 > 0:43:37The only thing I'm focused on is how much is that drink going to be.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40When he comes back from the bar and he came back
0:43:40 > 0:43:43and he presented a drink to her and he looked me dead in my eye
0:43:43 > 0:43:47and he said, "Sir, that will be £3.70, please."
0:43:47 > 0:43:49And I thought to myself, "Yeah!"
0:43:49 > 0:43:51And she turned around, she goes, "This is lovely."
0:43:51 > 0:43:53And I said, "You have no idea."
0:43:53 > 0:43:56And I started speaking to her and at the end of the night
0:43:56 > 0:44:00I got her telephone number and we've been together ever since.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04And that's what's happened. And I think to myself, I'm a lucky man.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06Because it could have been different.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09I could have got myself a Snickers earlier on, right? Who knew...
0:44:11 > 0:44:14..not getting a Snickers was a life-changing decision?
0:44:14 > 0:44:15Right there and then.
0:44:15 > 0:44:20But sometimes, I look at her and sometimes I think to myself,
0:44:20 > 0:44:22"I wish the man said £4."
0:44:23 > 0:44:27Cos my life would be so much different right now.
0:44:27 > 0:44:31Cos we argue. We argue all the time. She says I don't listen to her.
0:44:31 > 0:44:33I say, "I'm listening to you right now!
0:44:33 > 0:44:35"What are you talking about? Huh?"
0:44:35 > 0:44:37But she always grabs my attention when she says
0:44:37 > 0:44:39I'm not loving any more.
0:44:39 > 0:44:41Seven years in this relationship,
0:44:41 > 0:44:44I'm not kissing her the same way how I used to kiss her.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47She's telling me that my foreplay is shit.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51I was like, "How could you come out and say that to me, huh?
0:44:51 > 0:44:53"How could you come out and tell me the truth?!"
0:44:54 > 0:44:56And she says, "You know what?
0:44:56 > 0:44:59"If you're not giving me the loving, maybe you're doing it elsewhere.
0:44:59 > 0:45:03"Yes, cos you travel. You go round the country, you meet other women.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06"Maybe you're going out there sleeping with other women."
0:45:06 > 0:45:08I said, "No, I'm not." She says, "Why?"
0:45:08 > 0:45:11I said, "Why would I go out there and disappoint anyone else?"
0:45:12 > 0:45:13APPLAUSE
0:45:13 > 0:45:17Thank you very much, good night!
0:45:18 > 0:45:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:21 > 0:45:23Ladies and gentlemen, Marlon Davis!
0:45:25 > 0:45:30All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for your next act. Are you ready?
0:45:30 > 0:45:32Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry!
0:45:36 > 0:45:39Hey!
0:45:41 > 0:45:44Wow. What a beautiful theatre. Edinburgh.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46I feel sorry for the Scottish people at the minute because
0:45:46 > 0:45:48all you're doing is getting English people going,
0:45:48 > 0:45:52"What do you think about independence? What do you think about independence?"
0:45:52 > 0:45:53It must be doing your heads in.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56I don't know what your opinions are, I'm just telling you,
0:45:56 > 0:45:59if you get it, we are building that wall.
0:45:59 > 0:46:03We're not having you sneaking over trying to claim asylum, all right?
0:46:03 > 0:46:06Turning up in Carlisle, going, "I want asylum." "Why?"
0:46:06 > 0:46:09"I just want a normal sausage."
0:46:11 > 0:46:13I tell you who we are sharing, though.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16You're not having Andy Murray back, no way.
0:46:16 > 0:46:18You're not having him, we are sharing him.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21I watched him. In Manchester, there's a big screen.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23We watched him win Wimbledon, it was brilliant.
0:46:23 > 0:46:28Absolutely amazing, and every time they showed David Cameron in the crowd, everybody booed.
0:46:28 > 0:46:29About 4,500 people, it was lovely.
0:46:29 > 0:46:32I am annoyed that everyone says about Andy Murray, he's dour,
0:46:32 > 0:46:35he doesn't smile. You know what he's got?
0:46:35 > 0:46:37He's got the same problem I've got.
0:46:37 > 0:46:38He's got a miserable face.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41There's nothing you can do about that.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43There's a few of you with miserable faces.
0:46:45 > 0:46:50You're smiling now. Just do a normal face. That's miserable.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52It's horrible, it's horrible having a miserable face.
0:46:52 > 0:46:56People always assume something is wrong with you. You get that a lot.
0:46:56 > 0:46:57"You all right?" "Yeah."
0:46:57 > 0:46:59"What's wrong with your face?"
0:47:03 > 0:47:07It's my face. This is me happy.
0:47:09 > 0:47:11This is me sad.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14This is me making love.
0:47:16 > 0:47:17LAUGHTER
0:47:20 > 0:47:23Hey, you just saw my sex face, mate. Not many men have seen that.
0:47:25 > 0:47:29I don't know why I said many men. No man has ever...
0:47:29 > 0:47:30No man has ever seen that.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34That's really embarrassing. That would embarrass...
0:47:34 > 0:47:38My kids will be embarrassed that I'm actually on this. Love it!
0:47:38 > 0:47:40They won't go to the supermarkets with me any more,
0:47:40 > 0:47:44because I'll sing along to records. Loudly and badly.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47And I also like to put stuff in other people's trolleys.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52If you've not done it, it is the best game in the world.
0:47:54 > 0:47:55It's amazing, because...
0:47:55 > 0:47:58it's more amazing because of the British mentality.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01We know what we like, we get to a checkout with a trolley
0:48:01 > 0:48:06with something we know we've not put in there, and rather than
0:48:06 > 0:48:10embarrass ourselves and say, "I didn't put that in,"
0:48:10 > 0:48:11we'll buy it.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17So you can have a family man there with all his kids around him,
0:48:17 > 0:48:20at the checkout going, "Lube... Oh."
0:48:28 > 0:48:31"I didn't... I don't remember putting lube in there."
0:48:33 > 0:48:36"How did lube get in there?"
0:48:36 > 0:48:38"What's it for, Daddy?"
0:48:38 > 0:48:40"Erm, it's for the door hinges, son."
0:48:42 > 0:48:44"Yeah, your mum's been squeaking."
0:48:47 > 0:48:50I'm going to get punched one day for doing that, I know I am.
0:48:50 > 0:48:52I'm going to get punched more often as I get older.
0:48:52 > 0:48:56I've got to that stage where if I see injustice in the world, I get...
0:48:56 > 0:48:57I'm not like Batman...
0:48:58 > 0:49:01I just can't afford that. I wouldn't mind being Batman
0:49:01 > 0:49:02but I'd need to lose a bit of weight.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05But things wind me up. I don't know if anyone else does it.
0:49:05 > 0:49:09If I see a crime being committed... I saw somebody breaking into
0:49:09 > 0:49:13a neighbour's house two years ago, and I started chasing him, this guy.
0:49:13 > 0:49:17This is basically the speed I was at.
0:49:17 > 0:49:20Ten seconds, I was knackered, but also I'm thinking,
0:49:20 > 0:49:23"What am I going to do if I catch him?
0:49:25 > 0:49:27"What am I going to actually do?"
0:49:27 > 0:49:30I genuinely believed if that burglar had stopped and said,
0:49:30 > 0:49:33"Come on then," I would have carried on running past him.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38"I'm out jogging, mate."
0:49:38 > 0:49:42"What, in your pyjamas?" "We all do it different. Don't judge me, pal."
0:49:43 > 0:49:46The one that annoys me more than anything now at the minute
0:49:46 > 0:49:48is when somebody's at the supermarket
0:49:48 > 0:49:51and they park in the mother-and-child bit
0:49:51 > 0:49:53and they've not got a kid.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57It is your duty to question them. It really is.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01It's your duty to question them. These are arseholes. Seriously.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03I do. They get asked, "Where's your kid?"
0:50:06 > 0:50:08"Better be in the boot."
0:50:08 > 0:50:11LAUGHTER
0:50:13 > 0:50:16And I often wonder if that would appease me,
0:50:16 > 0:50:18if they lifted the boot up and there was a kid tied up.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20"Go on, enjoy your shopping."
0:50:22 > 0:50:24Edinburgh, as always, you've been absolutely delightful.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27I've been Mick Ferry, good night, God bless, bye-bye.
0:50:27 > 0:50:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:34 > 0:50:36Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Ferry!
0:50:36 > 0:50:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:39 > 0:50:42Are you ready for your final act of the show?
0:50:44 > 0:50:47Would you please welcome to the stage Lee Nelson!
0:50:47 > 0:50:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:56 > 0:50:58You all right tonight, Scotty-Land?
0:51:00 > 0:51:04Ye-es! I am a little bit gutted, a little bit gutted.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07I've heard you lot want to leave England
0:51:07 > 0:51:10and become a separate country.
0:51:10 > 0:51:11CHEERS
0:51:11 > 0:51:16Oh, no, no, no, man. You are going to regret that when you sober up.
0:51:19 > 0:51:23Are we really a separate country?
0:51:23 > 0:51:26Is you proper separate, different country?
0:51:26 > 0:51:30I mean, I suppose you have got your own currency, innit? The POOND.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36They stick together, man, you're going to run out of money.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38Don't leave us. I know you've got a lot of oil, but you're going
0:51:38 > 0:51:42to run out of that pretty quick, with all the stuff you deep-fry up here.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49I think you're just vexed, I think you're just a little bit annoyed with
0:51:49 > 0:51:54the English because the Scotty-Land people used to be top dog in England.
0:51:54 > 0:51:56And then the Poles came along.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03LAUGHTER
0:52:03 > 0:52:06And the Poles, they drink more
0:52:06 > 0:52:10and they work harder and they speak better English.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Love you, Scotty-Land, man. Love Andy Murray, legend, in't he?
0:52:22 > 0:52:23MAN CHEERS
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Yes, I get so...
0:52:25 > 0:52:28When I watch Andy Murray on my telly-box, every year,
0:52:28 > 0:52:32I just shout at the screen, "Go on, Andy, mate!
0:52:32 > 0:52:35"Go on, you can do it, mate! You can...
0:52:35 > 0:52:36"smile!"
0:52:39 > 0:52:42It's just banter, innit? That's what makes the UK great.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45We take the mick, but we have a giggle about it, innit?
0:52:45 > 0:52:48In England, we have north-south banter all the time, innit?
0:52:48 > 0:52:50Have we got northerners in the house tonight?
0:52:50 > 0:52:55CHEERS Yeah, few people, a few in the cheap seats right up there.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57It's just banter, innit, north-south banter.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59That's what makes the UK brilliant,
0:52:59 > 0:53:02you try north-south banter in other countries.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04I don't know... Korea?
0:53:08 > 0:53:10With all the different cultures around the world,
0:53:10 > 0:53:13it's interesting, innit? I've just been to America, recently.
0:53:13 > 0:53:17So, yeah, man, have we got American people in the house tonight?
0:53:17 > 0:53:19WOMAN CHEERS
0:53:20 > 0:53:25They can't help themselves, innit? "Mmmm...who-oo!"
0:53:25 > 0:53:26Welcome, sweetie-pie.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29Now, it's a very different culture out there, innit?
0:53:29 > 0:53:32Whereabouts in America are you from? Do you know?
0:53:38 > 0:53:43Totally different culture. Americans just don't get certain things, innit?
0:53:43 > 0:53:47The Americans, they don't understand the link between
0:53:47 > 0:53:51lots and lots of people having guns
0:53:51 > 0:53:55and lots and lots of people getting shot.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:06 > 0:54:09How are we going to get the message across to you, babe?
0:54:09 > 0:54:11How are we going to explain it to you?
0:54:12 > 0:54:14All right.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17If I was to give you a mobile phone,
0:54:17 > 0:54:23do you think that would make you more likely to make a telephone call?
0:54:32 > 0:54:35To be fair to the Americans, Canadians have got just as many guns
0:54:35 > 0:54:40as the Americans, but Canadians don't kill nearly as many people.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43Now, my theory is Justin Bieber is Canadian,
0:54:43 > 0:54:45and they are all saving their ammo.
0:54:45 > 0:54:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:53 > 0:54:56I say, welcome all the foreign legends, know what I mean,
0:54:56 > 0:55:00because the foreigners love the UK and that makes...
0:55:00 > 0:55:02I'm proud of that, do you know what I mean? It's great.
0:55:02 > 0:55:06The Royal Family, the royal baby, innit? That royal baby.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09That royal baby is the luckiest baby in the whole wide world, innit?
0:55:09 > 0:55:13That baby is going to have everything sorted for the rest of its life.
0:55:13 > 0:55:16That one sperm that flew out of William that night,
0:55:16 > 0:55:18luckiest sperm in the world.
0:55:18 > 0:55:21Can you imagine all the false-hope sperms that flew out of William,
0:55:21 > 0:55:24thinking they were going to be the one, innit? Yeah!
0:55:26 > 0:55:29# I'm going to be the royal baby!
0:55:29 > 0:55:33# I'm going to be the royal baby!
0:55:33 > 0:55:36# I'm going to be the royal... baby... #
0:55:37 > 0:55:39Oh, bollocks!
0:55:40 > 0:55:42I'm in her hair.
0:55:48 > 0:55:49People, I've been Lee Nelson.
0:55:49 > 0:55:53Yous have been the biggest bunch of legends ever, thank you and good night!
0:55:53 > 0:55:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Lee Nelson!
0:56:02 > 0:56:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:03 > 0:56:07Can we please have a huge round of applause for every act tonight?
0:56:07 > 0:56:11Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure performing at this show,
0:56:11 > 0:56:13thank you for being a part of it, see you next year.
0:56:13 > 0:56:14Good night.
0:56:31 > 0:56:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd