0:00:21 > 0:00:24It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Please welcome Kevin Bridges.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Thank you!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Ladies and gentleman, good evening!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Welcome along to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live - there we are.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:46It's exciting. Edinburgh.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Edin... Edin... "Edimburgo," I discovered it's called
0:00:49 > 0:00:51this summer in a Spanish airport.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Edimburgo.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57I love watching the hysteria at the Edimburgo departure gate.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00"Edimburgo? Where's that aboot, eh?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03"David, let me see the boarding passes. David!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06"Edimburgo? Is this the right terminal?"
0:01:06 > 0:01:07HE LAUGHS
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I don't even know if that's the accent.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11We're here, anyway. We're making a show.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Yeah. Feel that excitement there.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I'm 27, I'm no longer a youth.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I've got mates who are getting married, having kids,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I'm thinking about it - you never know.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I live in a nice part of Glasgow these days, though, so if...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I live in a... I live in a leafy suburb
0:01:24 > 0:01:26so, if I have children, they'll be pricks!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29That's... I've came to terms...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32That's what's gonnae happen - I'm gonnae raise pricks.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34My own son, he'll be that wee guy
0:01:34 > 0:01:37walking down with his purple blazer, carrying a violin case
0:01:37 > 0:01:39just tuned to the moon.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46He's gonnae grow up on a different planet from me.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I don't know how I'll handle that.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I think it'll be tough to take, my own son going, "Dad.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"Dad, this iPad isn't performing the software update.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55"Er, can you...?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57"Can you book an appointment with a Genius this Saturday
0:01:57 > 0:02:00"and have this resolved once and for all?"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- "Shut the- BLEEP- up, ya wee tool!"
0:02:02 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:10That's the kind of father I'll be.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12"You can go upstairs, find my golf club,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14"go outside and chop some jaggy nettles.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15"How's that sound?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"That's our Saturday afternoon, we're speaking to no Genius.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24"You go out there, chop some jaggies, get to know yourself.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Embrace the boredom, decapitate a few dandelions."
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's it - young people, they don't know how to be bored any more.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Boredom's dying, they're just too busy checking Facebook and just...
0:02:37 > 0:02:40You know that-that hollow sadness that hits you
0:02:40 > 0:02:42when you're spending too much time on Facebook,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45just realising how much you hate your own aunties and stuff.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Like, "T-Mobile are actually so frustrating."
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Auntie Janice, I despise you."
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I preferred the relationship pre-Facebook.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58See, once... Birthday, Christmas - twice a year.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Great, Auntie - loved it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Just don't like your opinions and stuff.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I used to get bored when I was young.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I used to sit and record myself singing on a cassette player,
0:03:07 > 0:03:08remember the days?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Hitting play and record at the same time,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12singing mid-'90s pop songs, that was me.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15# Baby, if you've got to go away... #
0:03:16 > 0:03:18HE LAUGHS
0:03:19 > 0:03:22# Don't think I can take the pain
0:03:22 > 0:03:24# Won't you stay another day?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25# Stay now. #
0:03:26 > 0:03:30That was boredom and it created something beautiful!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I tried to start a boy band based on that,
0:03:34 > 0:03:38on that single that I released to myself, played it back.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40That was Element Four, that's what we were called.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I gave me and my mates... I was bored!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43I gave me and my mates aliases -
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Earth, Wind, Rain, Fire, that was us.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I was Wind and they laughed at me. "That's it," I thought.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I thought, "I'm going solo - Big Wind."
0:03:52 > 0:03:54APPLAUSE
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Anyway, we're going to get the first guy on.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise
0:03:58 > 0:03:59for the wonderful Nish Kumar.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Nish. How are you?
0:04:13 > 0:04:14- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Good. I was born in London but my parents were not.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18My parents come from India.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20They come from a part of India called Kerala,
0:04:20 > 0:04:21a very interesting place.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24There's been a lot of immigration there in the last 600, 700 years.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Vasco da Gama led a Portuguese delegation there.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29There's an indigenous Arab population,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31there's an indigenous Jewish population
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and what's happened is all that diversity
0:04:34 > 0:04:38has crawled up and landed on my FACE because...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43..this is an ethnically ambiguous situation, OK?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46It looks like I've gone to a costume party dressed as EVERYONE.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49And...here's a little trick I can play with my face.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It changes ethnicity depending on
0:04:51 > 0:04:52the angle at which you are looking at it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54So watch this - it starts like this, going
0:04:54 > 0:04:55"Arab, Arab, Arab, Arab, Arab,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"Jew, Brazilian!" It's that kind of face.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01You might think, "Oh, that's nice -
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"you embody the diversity of the global community,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"you're a citizen of the modern world."
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Let me tell you, all that means is I get stopped at customs EVERYWHERE.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I am a person of interest to absolutely everyone
0:05:12 > 0:05:14and it doesn't matter if they see the British passport,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16cos I've got a face that looks like it comes
0:05:16 > 0:05:18from the People's Arab Republic Of Jewishstan.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24But I'm very proud of being both British and Asian.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28It's very nice - I feel very proud of being a multicultural man.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30But, very often, people don't like you to be both -
0:05:30 > 0:05:32they like you to pick one and stick with it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34And this pressure comes from both sides.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Because Indian people who live in Britain
0:05:36 > 0:05:40have a word for people that they don't think are being Indian enough
0:05:40 > 0:05:41and that word is "coconut".
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Coconut because you're brown on the outside, white on the inside.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Coconut because you're brown on the outside,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49white on the inside.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Coconut because you're brown on the outside, white on the inside.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Now, biologically, this is a crock of shit.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Biologically, I'm brown on the outside
0:05:57 > 0:05:59and then there's just a load of red-and-black crap.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01So I'm less a coconut,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I'm more a Black Forest gateau.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Which, ironically, is exactly the sort of comment
0:06:07 > 0:06:09that led to me being labelled as a coconut.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And, the thing is, I make light of it now
0:06:13 > 0:06:14but it really used to affect me
0:06:14 > 0:06:16until, one day, I was having a conversation
0:06:16 > 0:06:18with one of the kids who called me a coconut
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and he said, "What you doing over the Christmas holidays?"
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I said, "I'm going to India to visit my grandmother."
0:06:23 > 0:06:25And he said, "Urgh! Why you doing that?!"
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I was like...
0:06:27 > 0:06:28"She lives in India.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31"She's my grandma.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34"I have no idea."
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I never thought I'd have to justify that sentence.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39And he said, "I'm never going to India."
0:06:39 > 0:06:40And I said, "Why not?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:44He said, "Cos it's dirty and they don't have rap music."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"It's dirty and they don't have rap music."
0:06:48 > 0:06:49This man, who thought he was an arbitrator
0:06:49 > 0:06:51of what was and what was not Indianness,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53would not visit the country of his parents' birth
0:06:53 > 0:06:55because of the absence of MC Hammer.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56And it's not even true -
0:06:56 > 0:06:59they have loads of rap music and it's incredibly clean.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02And, at that moment, I realised I'd been craving the approval
0:07:02 > 0:07:05of a pack of braying morons and that, in fact, if I was a coconut
0:07:05 > 0:07:07cos I was brown on the outside and white on the inside,
0:07:07 > 0:07:08then they were Easter eggs
0:07:08 > 0:07:11because they were brown on the outside and empty!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It's a good time to be a non-white person, 2014.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19There's really nothing I can't do that a white person can do,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I really believe that, there's nothing I can't do.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Oh, apart from one thing I can't do that white people can do
0:07:24 > 0:07:27and that's play pranks at international airports because...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33..that is not open to you when you have the voice of Downton
0:07:33 > 0:07:36but the face of Homeland. That is not...
0:07:36 > 0:07:37My white friends are always like,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"Nish, let's have some banter with the customs officials."
0:07:40 > 0:07:41I always say, "No, thank you.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45"The only prank I'm playing is Let's Not Get Fingered. OK?"
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I walk into airports with my belt in one hand, my shoes in the other,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I'm wearing T-shirts that say, "I heart the West."
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Just roll up to random white people,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I'm like, "You know what sucks? Jihad!"
0:07:55 > 0:07:57HE CHUCKLES
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Still doesn't matter, though.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I got pulled out of an airport security queue in May of this year
0:08:01 > 0:08:03and, normally, I don't mind
0:08:03 > 0:08:06but, on this occasion, I was wearing a T-shirt
0:08:06 > 0:08:09that had a picture of Mahatma Gandhi on it and said the word "Peace".
0:08:09 > 0:08:13And when they pulled me out of the queue, I was like, "Really?!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"Is this the al-Qaeda uniform?"
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Absolutely livid. I went back to my girlfriend,
0:08:19 > 0:08:20who was waiting for me in the queue
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and I said, "This is the opposite of what a terrorist would wear!"
0:08:23 > 0:08:27And she said, "Is it, Nish? Or is it the perfect disguise?" So...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a delight.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32My name's Nish. Good night!
0:08:32 > 0:08:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Nish Kumar.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Give it up for your next act, the wonderful Lucy Beaumont.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Hello!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Now, some people have described me as quite odd
0:08:57 > 0:08:59but I always say, "I'm not odd, I'm from Hull."
0:08:59 > 0:09:00- WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Ooh, got one in.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Well, just to tune your ears to the accent,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09cos it is quite strong, if you can repeat after me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13"Erh, nerh, there's snerh on the rerhd."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16ALL: "Erh, nerh, there's snerh on the rerhd."
0:09:16 > 0:09:18And that's a severe weather warning.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24And the other one is, um, "Mamma Mia."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27ALL: Mamma Mia.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29And that's telling your mother you've arrived.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You're a very intelligent audience.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Do you know, though, I don't know how much you know about Hull.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44But it's a city on the up.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49I know we got the City Of Culture in 2017.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Do you know, cos I used to say,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"Oh, if you don't know Hull, it's a lot different from other cities."
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Like, you've got London, haven't you, that hosted the Olympics
0:09:58 > 0:10:01and Hull that hosted Zumba classes you can smoke in.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05And, er, but it's not like that any more.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I'm a bit put off going clubbing there, actually.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12The last time I went clubbing in Hull was for a school reunion
0:10:12 > 0:10:14and we ended up, like, in this real dodgy bar
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and there was a woman here on the table with her top off
0:10:17 > 0:10:19and all these men, like, stood leering around her.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And my friend went, "Don't look, Lucy," like that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24I went, "Why?"
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And she went, "It's your mam."
0:10:31 > 0:10:33She's not like that any more, though.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36But, um, I've got something from my home town.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Would you like to see it?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42When I get a bit homesick, I have a look at it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43It's a pizza flyer.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Look at that.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Woo!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It's colourful, in't it?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52And here, um, "Speciality Burger Bar."
0:10:52 > 0:10:53"Gangbang Burger."
0:10:56 > 0:10:58And this - can you believe this?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It's eight beef burgers, four chicken burgers,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05topped with cheese, fried onion, mushroom and egg for £5.10.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I know.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09And this, on the back...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15This are useful telephone numbers -
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Humberside Police non-emergency...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21..and NHS Direct.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25You can't write it, can you?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30But, do you know, life don't always turn out
0:11:30 > 0:11:32the way you expected, does it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Do you know, I wanted to be a poet when I grew up.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I know, and I still write poetry.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I wrote one recently - my friend got married and she said,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Lucy, will you write a poem and read it out at the ceremony?"
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I said, "Yeah, I will."
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And when I found out I weren't going to be bridesmaid...
0:11:51 > 0:11:52..I changed it a bit.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And the end of it went, um...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59There are people dying
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Wars being fought
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Families being torn apart
0:12:03 > 0:12:05But you just enjoy yourselves.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11APPLAUSE
0:12:14 > 0:12:18But, do you know, in't it funny how, like, some people find love
0:12:18 > 0:12:21and some people don't? Do you know, my friend, Jackie,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23she's been single now for about ten years,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27and the thing is she don't do herself any favours, do you know?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29She was on an aeroplane, going on holiday,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31and she said she went into the toilet
0:12:31 > 0:12:33and she walked in and it was like...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- She said, "Mr Whippy..." - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"..coming up." I know, she said it was horrific.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40So she came back out and she pulled a face
0:12:40 > 0:12:44and she sat back down and then this gorgeous guy got up
0:12:44 > 0:12:46who she'd seen earlier and she really wanted to talk to
0:12:46 > 0:12:48and he did the same thing -
0:12:48 > 0:12:50he went in and he came back out and he pulled a face
0:12:50 > 0:12:52and Jackie went to him,
0:12:52 > 0:12:53- "I- just did that."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Thank you very much. Thanks.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Lucy Beaumont.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09This guy's a pal of mine, he's brilliant, you're going to love him.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Give it up, please, for Lloyd Langford.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Hello, Edinburgh. It's, er, good to be back.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Nice to be here, you know?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You travel around a lot doing stand-up.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I was doing some gigs earlier on in the year,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I was in a place called Carmarthen, right?
0:13:34 > 0:13:39And Carmarthen train station, they have platform one, right?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41And platform two.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Don't worry, that's not the end of the story.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48HE LAUGHS
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Platform one, platform two.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52The really odd thing was there's no discernible way
0:13:52 > 0:13:57of getting from platform one to platform two.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00There's no tunnel underneath the platforms
0:14:00 > 0:14:02or bridge over the platforms, right?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I'm on platform one, I need to be on platform two.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I'm quite a shy person,
0:14:06 > 0:14:11so I just awkwardly stood on platform one for, like, ten minutes.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Eventually, a guard came up to me,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17he said, "Mate, I'm just checking - is everything all right?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"Because loads of trains have gone past...
0:14:21 > 0:14:24..you haven't got on any of them."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I was like, "Well, I'm not suicidal,
0:14:27 > 0:14:28"but, er...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29"I'm not happy."
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"I'm in-between, I guess."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37He's like, "What's the matter?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I said, "I'm just wondering, how do I get on to platform number two?"
0:14:40 > 0:14:42He went, "Simple.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"You just walk across the tracks."
0:14:46 > 0:14:49That's what he said - you just walk across the tracks.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I was like, "What if there's a train coming?"
0:14:52 > 0:14:54He went, "Don't walk across the tracks."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:01That is the system they employ there in Carmarthen.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Less public transport, more sort of natural selection.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I always seem to attract the nutter on the train, right?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Like, I was on the train the other day, right?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15It went, like, one stop,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18this guy got on the train and he sat opposite me, right?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I need to describe to you what he was wearing.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22He had a full pinstripe suit on,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25but the jacket was open at the front.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27He had a shirt on underneath, right,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29that was also open at the front,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31you could see his belly.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35On top of this, right, he was wearing a denim jacket
0:15:35 > 0:15:38that had been unbuttoned at the front.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41On top of the denim jacket, he was wearing a leather jacket
0:15:41 > 0:15:44that had been unzipped.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46The piece de resistance, right?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50He had full wool-knit balaclava
0:15:50 > 0:15:52that had been rolled all the way down.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57He got on the train and sat opposite me.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Now, if you're ever in that situation,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03my advice to you would be get off the train.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I don't even care if you're not at a stop,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10just use the emergency hammer
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and smash your way to freedom.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I was feeling unusually confident,
0:16:17 > 0:16:18I was feeling bold, right?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20What I thought I would do
0:16:20 > 0:16:22is I'd take a photograph...
0:16:22 > 0:16:25of this man, right?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I thought if I tell my friends this story
0:16:27 > 0:16:28they're not going to believe me,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30so I need some kind of evidence.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Now, if you're trying to take a photograph
0:16:31 > 0:16:33of someone on public transport,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35obviously you don't want them to know, right?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38So get your phone out, hold it up like this.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41This is a really important thing to remember -
0:16:41 > 0:16:43wiggle your thumb like this.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Anyone sat opposite you,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51it looks as if you're just sending a text message
0:16:51 > 0:16:54when, in fact, you're about to take a sneaky photograph.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Got him in the middle of the frame,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59exactly where I wanted him,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02hit the button to take the photo...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Very last minute realised
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I'd accidently left the flash on my camera.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13So what I'd done is
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I'd sat opposite a proper psychopath...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:20..and then blatantly taken a photograph of him.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Then I realised the scale of his outfit.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I'm like, "He kicks the shit out of me, I go to the police."
0:17:27 > 0:17:30They're like, "Well, what was he wearing?"
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I'm like, "I hope you've recently sharpened your pencil."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40This guy was like a ninja onion.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Thank you very much for listening to me.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I've been Lloyd Langford, take it easy. Thank you.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Give it up for Lloyd Langford!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53CHEERING
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Next guy's an old pal of mine, you're going to love him as well.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Make some noise for Des Clarke!
0:17:58 > 0:18:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Hello, everybody, how we doing, are we well?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10ALL: Yes!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oh, you can tell it's post-Commonwealth Games.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I was actually at that Opening Ceremony,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I had the most Scottish experience of my life.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I was delayed for half an hour getting into the stadium
0:18:19 > 0:18:21cos I was caught behind a bus full of 50 Scottie dogs.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25They were getting searched for drugs and weapons.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28How mental do you think the dogs are in Scotland?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"Got that heroin?"
0:18:30 > 0:18:32"Aye, just put it up the dug's arse, it'll be fine."
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I had a weird vision of watching big dugs sniffing wee dugs - that's odd.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Only ever seen that on specialist internet sites.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Then I was trying to get through security
0:18:42 > 0:18:46at the same time as 50 Scottie dogs, Susan Boyle and John Barrowman.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I thought this has got all the recipe
0:18:48 > 0:18:49for the perfect Scottish sex party.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52What we need is a set of car keys and the Krankies
0:18:52 > 0:18:53and we are ready to rumble.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:57It was amazing,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59it was a great moment for Scotland, I love being from here.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I'm from Glasgow, and growing up with the name Desmond in Glasgow,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04that's no' easy.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I just bullied myself, it saved time.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I grew up in the high-rise flats,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13my nickname at school was lemonade because I lived seven up -
0:19:13 > 0:19:15that's not a lie.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:20The Glaswegian banter - there you go.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23They call us the Weegies, that's our nickname fae Glasgow.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24How do you make a "Weegie bored"?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Take away his heroin - social problems.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33But people are so literal in this country as well,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36and it's nice that people don't give you any time of the day
0:19:36 > 0:19:37or believe that you're famous.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I had a guy saddle up to me in a toilet, when I'm at a urinal,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43looked down and go, "I recognise you fae the radio."
0:19:43 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:49That's some wireless you've got, big man. Is that DAB?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53But I'm not a lad, I'm not a man's man, I can't do it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Trying to chat up girls - for me there's a problem,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57and this has been the same since I was a kid.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I'm chatting up a girl
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and there's one conversation going on in my head,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03but there are several different words coming out of my mouth.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05So I'll chat up a girl and I think I'm in there -
0:20:05 > 0:20:08"Why, you look wonderful tonight, you and I should be together,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10"and maybe I could meet your family?"
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I was 12, but you've got to start somewhere.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14That's what I'm thinking I'm saying.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18In reality I'm going, "I've got a stone in my pocket, "do you want to touch it?'
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:23It's a shiny wan fae the beach!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28You can see why girls ran a mile.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30It was the same when I started work in a supermarket.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32People come up and ask me an innocent question,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36"Do you know where the beans are?" "They're inside my head. Touch it."
0:20:36 > 0:20:38"Can I live in your house?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Erm...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41This has always happened to me,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43never the greatest in social situations.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I remember going to Amsterdam,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48that was on my one and only ever stag do.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Yeah, Amsterdam, me and seven computer-programmer friends of mine.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Basically should've just called it Geeks On Tour.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56We actually went there,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00and I have real laddish mates that were so excited about me going,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02couldnae wait to tell me, and were trying to express this,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04couldn't physically control themselves.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I had one pal that was like, "Oh, Amsterdam, it's amazing,
0:21:07 > 0:21:08"it's amazing, it's definitely amazing.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12"There's women, there's women, women in windows."
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Now, it's hard to try and explain what he was talking about.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19"There's, there's women, there's dirty women, dirty women. There's ping-pong balls."
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I thought, "Why are you in fast-forward?"
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It took me a week to figure out what he meant.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27There are women who work in the sexual industry
0:21:27 > 0:21:30that parade themselves in windows in certain parts of Amsterdam.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31I didn't know what parts,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I was going up to council estates looking in windows and going,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"Wow, I can see her shoulder, she's amazing.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"She's doing the ironing, this is kinky." Right?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And I swear, it shows that we weren't sex people at all.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43We got to the first window,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46this woman's giving it laldy with the ping-pong balls,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49it was like a bingo machine, it was tremendous.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51And right at the moment where she's giving it her best shot,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54a guy looks behind her to a building next to her and goes,
0:21:54 > 0:21:55"God, look, there's a C&A!"
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Now...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I can't explain why he was so excited
0:22:00 > 0:22:03about a shop that we haven't seen for about eight years.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05But the next thing I know, somebody's saying,
0:22:05 > 0:22:06"Go on, let's buy a jumper."
0:22:06 > 0:22:10We are...now leaving the sex district of Amsterdam,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13going to buy matching jumpers from C&A.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15We all came back wearing them,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and it's the scratchiest jumper you've ever felt in your life.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I'm like, I'm coming back from Amsterdam with an itch
0:22:20 > 0:22:23and no-one will believe how I got it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:27And we kept getting told,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30oh, the windows get more and more extreme as you walk up.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32So we're like that, "Oh, my God, this is amazing.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37"Oh, what's she doing? Oh, there might be a Woolworths at the end of it." "I know, I know!"
0:22:37 > 0:22:39"Who's up for a pick 'n' mix?" Right?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41And a big mate of mine called Fat Pat,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I've never seen him move the length of himself,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46he ran all the way up to the last window in the canal area,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48the sex district of Amsterdam, got level with that window,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50he was salivating, he was so excited.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Looked around to us, he was saying, "Come on, boys, this is amazing!"
0:22:53 > 0:22:55We thought, "Wow, what can be up there?" Got level with him -
0:22:55 > 0:22:57kebab shop. Couldnae make it up.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Folks, you've been absolutely gorgeous.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02It's great to play this gig and be at the festival!
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Thank you very much. Good night!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Des Clarke, yes!
0:23:10 > 0:23:11CHEERING
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Make some noise this time for the wonderful Andrew Ryan!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Good evening, how we doing? Are you all right?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Very nice to be here, ladies and gentlemen, very nice.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29I got a train up to Scotland,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and sometimes when I get a train I fall asleep
0:23:32 > 0:23:34and I wake up with pins and needles in one of me legs.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Have you ever tried to walk with pins and needles in one of your legs?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39You always have to drag your leg,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43you're always like, "Oh, Jesus, Mary, Mother of God, what's going on?"
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Right, you're like Keyser Soze, right, it's ridiculous.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Walking around like that.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Every time I see gangsters down in London, where I live, they're going like this,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"Yeah, blood, yeah. I see you, blood, yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"Give me your Oyster card, yeah?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"What's your mother's maiden name, yeah?"
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I'm thinking those lads just got pins and needles, right?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00That's all that's wrong with them.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I got a train into Edinburgh Waverley,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07and I woke up on the train with pins and needles in both me legs.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Have you ever tried to walk with pins and needles in both your legs?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It's impossible.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I got off the train, I was like this, going, "Oh, God...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"What is going on here? This is ridiculous." Right?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20There's people walking past me on the platform going,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"Oh, my God, is that guy hiding an erection? What's he doing?"
0:24:23 > 0:24:24The train manager saw me
0:24:24 > 0:24:28and he thought that I was a passenger that needed some form of assistance,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31so he started walking over towards me.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35But we all know that once the blood starts circulating around the legs,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38after a few seconds, the pins and needles just goes away.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41And all the train manager saw was me doing this, just going,
0:24:41 > 0:24:42"Oh, God, this is ridiculous.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"What is going on? Oh, God, I feel OK now. Oh, God.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"I feel... I feel fine now. That's great."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And then I just walked off like that.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It looked like The Evolution Of Man.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I'm getting a bit older now as well, you know,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00there's a few things that happens when you get a bit older,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02that you know that you're getting a bit old.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04For example, you know you're getting old
0:25:04 > 0:25:07when you come in from a night out at one o'clock in the morning
0:25:07 > 0:25:09and you take the mince out of the freezer
0:25:09 > 0:25:11for the following night's dinner.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Oh, we've got a few mince-takers-out here tonight!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"Are you coming to bed?" "No, no, no.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"I've got spag bol tomorrow, honestly..."
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Because that's what it's like when you get to your 30s,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26like, it's all about planning for tomorrow, you know?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28When you're in your 20s, you're going out after work,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31you can turn up for work with a traffic cone on your head,
0:25:31 > 0:25:32kebab down the front.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34You're like, "I was Dangerous Dave out last night."
0:25:34 > 0:25:36When you get to your 30s, people are like,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39"Would you like to go for a drink?" You're like, "Oh, God, no,
0:25:39 > 0:25:40"I've got a busy day next week -
0:25:40 > 0:25:42"I need to stay in and prepare for that."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I am trying to be a bit of a better adult, you know,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49like I went to the bank recently and I said to them,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"I want to buy a house", you know?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53And they gave me, you know, an amount of money
0:25:53 > 0:25:54that they said that they would lend me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So what I did was I Googled around Britain
0:25:57 > 0:25:59to see how far my money will go
0:25:59 > 0:26:01based on the area, if I choose to live in the area.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05So in Edinburgh I can afford to buy a two-bedroomed apartment
0:26:05 > 0:26:07on the outskirts of Edinburgh.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Then I went down into England,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12into Manchester, I can buy a two-bedroomed house in Manchester.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Then I went to Stoke in England,
0:26:15 > 0:26:16I can buy all of Stoke.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Every last inch.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25They'll even make me mayor,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27that's how much investment they need in the area.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Then I went to Milton Keynes.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30I can buy a two-bedroomed terraced house
0:26:30 > 0:26:32on the outskirts of Milton Keynes.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33And then I went into London,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I can buy a small cappuccino.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely fantastic.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Thank you very much, good night!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Give it up for Andrew Ryan!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It's exciting times in Scotland, everything's happening. Innit?
0:26:54 > 0:26:55AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'd imagine that's just something people say, innit?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"A real feel-good factor about Scotland right now",
0:27:00 > 0:27:02because we had the Commonwealth Games,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05and we're hosting the European Music Awards in Glasgow.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07That'll be good, music fans.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Guy in the front row, what you in to?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Jethro Tull.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- What... Who? - LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Jethro Tull? That's the genre of music you like?
0:27:16 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Get a camera right on it. Expose that man. Get in there.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:28 > 0:27:29What's Jethro Tull's biggest hit?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Living In The Past.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Living In The Past.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I take it that's a song that speaks to you, sir?
0:27:39 > 0:27:43You need to get into Element Four, into the new bands.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44One Direction, boy bands.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Have we any Directioners in, any 1D fans?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- AUDIENCE: Whoo! - Yeah, everybody loves them.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# Danced all night to the best song ever... #
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# Crazy, crazy, crazy Till we see the sun... #
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Every pop song these days is singing about that -
0:27:58 > 0:27:59until we see the sun.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Until six in the morning We're gonna party on down
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# Until six in the morning... #
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Singing about parties that have got scheduled end times.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Ever tried to get a bunch of your pals
0:28:12 > 0:28:15to leave your house at six in the morning?
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Mayhem would ensue. "Yous want to call it a night?"
0:28:18 > 0:28:20"Hear that?" "Look, man, the shop's opening, we'll get cans."
0:28:22 > 0:28:23"It's only six in the morning."
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Some guy walking about your living room, steaming,
0:28:28 > 0:28:29looking for a Nokia charger -
0:28:29 > 0:28:31that's what happens at six in the morning.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Just so he can continue an argument with his missus -
0:28:36 > 0:28:38"I told you I was having a mad wan."
0:28:40 > 0:28:43That's the only justification for having a mad one,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45he TOLD her he was having a mad one.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49That's it.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53"I thought you were going to your maw's to watch Strictly, anyway?"
0:28:53 > 0:28:54"It's six o'clock in the morning, Ryan."
0:28:54 > 0:28:57"How do I know what time Strictly finishes?"
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Highlights of the game, a game of Fifa that was played
0:29:03 > 0:29:06about three hours ago still playing on the telly,
0:29:06 > 0:29:10he's looking up thinking it's Sky Sports, eh?
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"When did Auxerre beat Brazil?"
0:29:13 > 0:29:16"I'll be home after the game, fuck's sake."
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- What's your name, sir?- Iain. - Where are you from, Iain?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- Erm, I live in Edinburgh now. - You live in Edinburgh now.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- So, where are you from, Iain? - Belfast.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29You're from Belfast. I love the accent, though.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31You make me sound like Michael Buble over there.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:- "There's a bomb in the biscuit tin."
0:29:39 > 0:29:41That's...that's the way they sound.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44No, it's calmed a wee bit, innit? It was the Troubles, it's calmed.
0:29:44 > 0:29:45Golf, that's the thing, innit?
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke, Graeme McDowell.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50They've ditched the guns and bought golf clubs, it's good to see.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53They're still chucking the odd petrol bomb,
0:29:53 > 0:29:55but they're shouting "fore".
0:30:02 > 0:30:05And, erm, giving each other a bit of feedback on their swing,
0:30:05 > 0:30:08- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:- "Just bend your knees.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09"Shoulders square on, visualise the...
0:30:09 > 0:30:12"Get the police station in your sights there just now."
0:30:15 > 0:30:17No, we're excited.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20We're having an independence referendum up here that's...
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Everybody...everybody's talking about it.
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Whatever happens in September,
0:30:23 > 0:30:26I reckon the whole... the whole country could go and resit
0:30:26 > 0:30:29their Higher Modern Studies, there's people who are clued up.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32We should have it every four years, just keep having referendums,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35that's what will get Scottish people through a World Cup,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37just a referendum, something to talk about.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40And then the year England win it, that's when we go independent.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42That's the way, that's the feeling.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Now that's when you see debates, six in the morning in house parties.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49I don't want to see Alastair Darling
0:30:49 > 0:30:51and Alex Salmond on a podium on the telly.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54A house party, that's where you get guys
0:30:54 > 0:30:56lighting a fag off a toaster giving their tuppence worth.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03"See if we vote no, mate, we're like...
0:31:03 > 0:31:06"we're like Rhianna getting back with Chris Brown, mate, that's us.'
0:31:08 > 0:31:11That's the kind of stuff Alex Salmond needs to say
0:31:11 > 0:31:14to really capture the mood in the nation on that leadership debate,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17just start calling him a shite bag and stuff.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19"What about the economic risks?"
0:31:19 > 0:31:22"What about them, buck-awk, shite bag?"
0:31:25 > 0:31:26That's what he needs...
0:31:31 > 0:31:34He'll win the people's hearts if he done that, just, "Buck-awk!
0:31:34 > 0:31:36"Buck, buck, buck, buck!
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Maybe throw him a wee dummy punch
0:31:38 > 0:31:39just to make him flinch on the telly.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43"Nae currency union, ya bam!"
0:31:48 > 0:31:52Anyway. Make some noise for the fantastic Angela Barnes.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55APPLAUSE
0:31:55 > 0:31:56Hello.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00How are you doing, are you all right? Good, good.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02I should start with a little bit of a disclaimer.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05I'm ever so sorry, I've got a very croaky voice at the moment,
0:32:05 > 0:32:07it's reached that part of the Fringe.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I know it's bad, right, cos I got a cold call this morning
0:32:09 > 0:32:11and people who cold call you,
0:32:11 > 0:32:13they'll use a croaky voice to try and get you on side.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16She said, "Hello, is that Miss Barnes?" I said, "Yes, speaking."
0:32:16 > 0:32:19She said, "Oh, you sound like you've got a terrible cold."
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I said, "You sound like you got a third in Media Studies from Luton.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23"What do you want?"
0:32:24 > 0:32:27We'll crack on. I knew I was looking rough this morning when I was
0:32:27 > 0:32:31walking down the Royal Mile and nobody handed me a flier for a show.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Nobody, but somebody did hand me a leaflet called
0:32:34 > 0:32:36"The Truth About Drugs."
0:32:36 > 0:32:37Charming. Ain't it, charming?
0:32:37 > 0:32:40I don't do drugs, ladies and gentlemen, I don't...
0:32:40 > 0:32:42but I do worry that I might be missing out a little bit.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44All right? So I've got a plan
0:32:44 > 0:32:47and that is that I'm going to start doing class A drugs
0:32:47 > 0:32:50when I'm in my eighties because why wouldn't you, right?
0:32:50 > 0:32:53You haven't got to get up in the morning, have you, right?
0:32:53 > 0:32:56You'll never have trouble finding a vein.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58And I tell you what?
0:32:58 > 0:33:01You might not be able to afford to heat a bungalow
0:33:01 > 0:33:03but I bet you could afford to heat a teaspoon,
0:33:03 > 0:33:05then you won't give a shit how cold you are.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11I can't believe the amount of sports people that do drugs -
0:33:11 > 0:33:12that blows my mind.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14We had Lance Armstrong, didn't we?
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Last year Frankie Dettori the jockey got a six month ban
0:33:17 > 0:33:19from horse racing for using cocaine.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Now call me naive, but in horse racing...
0:33:25 > 0:33:28..wouldn't it make more sense to drug the horse?
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Unless you're planning on carrying that thing
0:33:30 > 0:33:32to the finishing line, I don't know.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35But apparently they do, they do drug their horses.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37A couple of trainers got done recently for drugging their horses.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I mean, presumably not with cocaine, right?
0:33:40 > 0:33:43I don't know if you've ever tried to get a horse into a toilet cubicle?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48If you have, your stag do's gone horribly wrong, innit?
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Think of the mess it would make - you'd be like that.
0:33:53 > 0:33:57I tell you what, though, if you are planning on drugging your horses,
0:33:57 > 0:33:59you want to make damn sure that the rider's not on drugs as well
0:33:59 > 0:34:01cos you know what happens, don't you?
0:34:01 > 0:34:05If you've got a horse that's on drugs and a rider on drugs -
0:34:05 > 0:34:06dressage.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11So I am, er, I am a single woman.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13I've been doing a lot of online dating recently.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16- Have we got any online daters in? - SOME CHEERING
0:34:16 > 0:34:19We've got more than that, you liars. I've seen loads of faces I recognise
0:34:19 > 0:34:22so far from OK Cupid, don't you give me that.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I love it, I treat it like a hobby.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Right, I've got a spreadsheet. It's brilliant, I love it.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29I went on a few dates with this guy recently,
0:34:29 > 0:34:31see what you think, went on a few dates with this guy
0:34:31 > 0:34:34and we were getting on, so I thought I'd invite him round to my house
0:34:34 > 0:34:35for dinner, which I did.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38And, erm, we went to bed together because I'm a bit of a slag
0:34:38 > 0:34:40and, erm...and we were about to get down to it and he said
0:34:40 > 0:34:43something to me that no-one's ever said to me before, he said,
0:34:43 > 0:34:46"Angela, I'd really like it if you'd let me cover you in toothpaste?"
0:34:48 > 0:34:50You don't seem shocked by that at all, is that a thing?
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Because, for a start, it's got a certain deep heat quality to it,
0:34:53 > 0:34:55if you know what I'm saying?
0:34:55 > 0:34:58So if you're going to cover me in a toiletry, at least make it Immac
0:34:58 > 0:34:59and save me a job later.
0:34:59 > 0:35:04Toothpaste. Oh, and he brought his own toothpaste with him.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Yeah, and it wasn't the cheap stuff either, it was Oral B, which,
0:35:07 > 0:35:11incidentally, is also what I've graded him on my spreadsheet.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19I've been...I've been, erm, I've been swimming a lot.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21I learned to swim this year, I know, 37 and just learnt to swim.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25I thought next year I might join the Brownies, we'll see how that goes.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Did you know in the Brownies they've now got a self-esteem badge.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31How shitty are you going to feel if you don't get it?
0:35:33 > 0:35:36I recently, I recently did a sponsored swim
0:35:36 > 0:35:38and it was 1,500 metres and I'd only just learned to swim
0:35:38 > 0:35:42and one of the people that was there cheering me on was Duncan Goodhew.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46And he was there cheering me on and because I was the slowest,
0:35:46 > 0:35:50I was the last one left in the pool at the end of this sponsored swim
0:35:50 > 0:35:52and he jumped in and he joined me for my last length.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55How cool is that? Right, I had no idea he was going to do it.
0:35:55 > 0:35:56I looked behind me, I thought
0:35:56 > 0:35:59one of my tits had fallen out of my swimming costume.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I think he quite enjoyed it when I tried to put it back in again.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Enjoy the rest of your night.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07I've been Angela Barnes, thank you very much.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09CHEERING
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Angela Barnes.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Give it up please for Marlon Davis.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24CHEERING
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- Yes! Hello!- ALL: Hello!
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Every time I'm on stage, I always get women throwing
0:36:30 > 0:36:32themselves at me.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39All right, maybe not tonight. I used to, you know.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41I've been with my girlfriend for seven years,
0:36:41 > 0:36:43I've been doing stand-up for eight,
0:36:43 > 0:36:46but in that first year it used to happen all of the time.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Now I'm looking at everyone's faces in this room,
0:36:49 > 0:36:54they're, like, "No, you're shaped like an avocado, right?"
0:36:54 > 0:36:55How can this even be true?
0:36:55 > 0:36:58But it did, I remember coming off stage once and a girl came up to me
0:36:58 > 0:37:01after the show and she said, "Do you want to hang out?"
0:37:01 > 0:37:04I said, "Yeah, let's hang out." And she brought me round to her place
0:37:04 > 0:37:06and when I got into her place, do you know what she said?
0:37:06 > 0:37:09"I can't sleep with you but I can give you head?"
0:37:11 > 0:37:14And I said, "Do you know what? that's more than what I expected.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18"If that's what you want to do, I am not going to stop you, right?"
0:37:18 > 0:37:21And as soon as she said that, she left the room,
0:37:21 > 0:37:22she left me in her living room.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Now I don't know this girl from nowhere
0:37:25 > 0:37:29so I'm trying to work out who she is just from her furnishings.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33And she had an Elton John wig there and I saw some tassels as well
0:37:33 > 0:37:37and I saw a whip and I thought, "OK, this girl's a freak."
0:37:37 > 0:37:40But she was gone for a little bit too long for my liking,
0:37:40 > 0:37:42like, five minutes had gone past,
0:37:42 > 0:37:46seven minutes, she still hasn't returned and at the back of my mind,
0:37:46 > 0:37:51this council estate mind, I started to think, "You know what?
0:37:51 > 0:37:53"This could be a honey trap,"
0:37:53 > 0:37:57cos she just saw me getting paid cash from this gig.
0:37:57 > 0:38:02Maybe...maybe she's after my £17.50, right?
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Maybe this is what's going on?
0:38:04 > 0:38:07But she's gone for ages now so I don't see her.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10So what I done was, I opened up the door that she disappeared from.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Now I'm in a hallway with three more doors in it
0:38:13 > 0:38:14so it's like Alice In Wonderland, right?
0:38:14 > 0:38:18And I went to the first door and I opened it up and I said, "Hello?"
0:38:18 > 0:38:23And I got no answer, so I walked down to the end of the corridor,
0:38:23 > 0:38:27opened up the second door and there was a man handcuffed to a bed.
0:38:27 > 0:38:33A skinny little white man handcuffed to a bed and he saw me
0:38:33 > 0:38:35and he was like, "Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!"
0:38:35 > 0:38:38And I saw that, so I started panicking.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41I was like, "What the hell is going on in here?!"
0:38:41 > 0:38:44And the man's like, "Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!"
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Cos I'm a big black man and this could be Pulp Fiction!
0:38:49 > 0:38:52And the girl came running from the third room,
0:38:52 > 0:38:54she goes, "Oh, my God, what's going on?
0:38:54 > 0:38:55"You've upset my slave!"
0:38:55 > 0:38:59And me and the guy's looking at each other, like, which one's the slave?
0:39:02 > 0:39:04And she said, "Go back to where you came from?"
0:39:04 > 0:39:09I was, like, "What, the living room or culturally?" I don't understand.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Erm, well, that's what happened
0:39:11 > 0:39:14and, sir, it's very nice to see you got out the room.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19So it is. But I don't do anything of this any more, like I said,
0:39:19 > 0:39:23cos I'm, erm, I'm in a relationship now to an amazing girl, amazing!
0:39:23 > 0:39:27You know, sometimes I think she's so...too good for me, cos I look
0:39:27 > 0:39:31at myself and I think to myself, "Oh, my God, she's beautiful
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"and she's intelligent, like, how did I end up with a girl like that?"
0:39:34 > 0:39:36And sometimes I see her looking at me
0:39:36 > 0:39:39thinking the exact same thing.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41Like, "Why am I with this man?" Right?
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Especially when she sees me lying down in a bed all day,
0:39:44 > 0:39:47that's what I love to do, just lie down in a bed.
0:39:47 > 0:39:52And I lie there and I'm there and I've got, er, I've got Wotsits.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54And there's never enough Wotsits, is there?
0:39:54 > 0:39:56So I have to buy multipack Wotsits.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00And I don't even sit down and eat them, I lie down, in my bed,
0:40:00 > 0:40:02and eat these Wotsits and I've got Football Manager
0:40:02 > 0:40:06open on my laptop and I'm the happiest I ever am.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12Until she comes home and she's upset with me because the place is
0:40:12 > 0:40:15a mess, there's clothes everywhere, there's dishes all piled up.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18She comes marching up the stairs, she kicks the door open,
0:40:18 > 0:40:22and she sees this big fat walrus lying down in a bed with a sea
0:40:22 > 0:40:26of empty Wotsit packets and she goes, "What's going on in here?
0:40:26 > 0:40:29"You've done nothing all day, what have you done?"
0:40:29 > 0:40:32But she doesn't know I've won the Champions League!
0:40:38 > 0:40:42Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Marlon Davis, thank you very much.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Good night!
0:40:44 > 0:40:45CHEERING
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Give it up for Marlon Davis.
0:40:52 > 0:40:53CHEERING
0:40:54 > 0:40:56This guy's all the way from New York via Dublin.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00He used to put me up, let me stay on his couch in Dublin,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02a big mate of mine.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03Welcome to the stage - Des Bishop!
0:41:03 > 0:41:04APPLAUSE
0:41:10 > 0:41:13Ah, thank you so much. Thank you.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16It's...it's so nice to be here.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Now, I'm from America but I live in Ireland a long time
0:41:18 > 0:41:22but, actually, for the last year and a half, I've been living in China.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24I tried to learn enough Chinese
0:41:24 > 0:41:27in a year to do stand-up comedy in Chinese.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Right? Er, there are many reasons why.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Before I learned how to speak the Irish language, which opened me up
0:41:32 > 0:41:37to a market of 60,000 people, so I said, "The next time I learn
0:41:37 > 0:41:38"a language, I'm going all out."
0:41:38 > 0:41:411.3 billion of those people, right?
0:41:41 > 0:41:45Soon I won't be needing you white folks, I have a whole new market.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46But the main reason I went
0:41:46 > 0:41:50is because I used to have a really, really good Chinese friend,
0:41:50 > 0:41:53he used to live in Ireland, he moved back to China, Seamus.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Now...Seamus wasn't the name his mother gave him.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Obviously, I don't know if you know this
0:41:59 > 0:42:03but years ago in Ireland we had an economy and people went to Ireland
0:42:03 > 0:42:07to work, so these guys would stay in host families, right?
0:42:07 > 0:42:10The host family would go to the airport to greet them,
0:42:10 > 0:42:12they'd be like, "Welcome to Ireland. What is your name?"
0:42:12 > 0:42:14And the Chinese guys would be like, "Shun Chi Yu."
0:42:14 > 0:42:16And the family would be like, "Seamus!
0:42:16 > 0:42:18"Welcome to Ireland, Seamus.
0:42:18 > 0:42:22"There'll be no Shun Chi Yu in this house unless we're eating it, OK?
0:42:22 > 0:42:25"In fact, I'll tell you what, we'll all go for a Chinese, will we?
0:42:25 > 0:42:26"You can order.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29"I've been eating number 63 my whole life,
0:42:29 > 0:42:31"chicken curry, half rice, half chips,
0:42:31 > 0:42:33"Do you have that in China, do you?"
0:42:33 > 0:42:36That's Ireland's favourite Chinese dish -
0:42:36 > 0:42:38chicken curry, half rice, half chips,
0:42:38 > 0:42:41cos it's not dinner unless there's potatoes in it.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44"We have to have half potatoes but I'll have half rice as well,
0:42:44 > 0:42:46"I'm not racist."
0:42:47 > 0:42:50So, while I was in China, I learned Chinese.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54And during the summer last year, I actually worked for a month
0:42:54 > 0:42:58in a real Chinese restaurant, right on the border of Russia for a month,
0:42:58 > 0:43:02full Chinese as a welcomer, a greeter, who welcomes people in.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04And I had a very interesting experience.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07My job was very simple, customers would arrive and I would say
0:43:07 > 0:43:10"huanying guanglin," which means you are very welcome
0:43:10 > 0:43:12and then customers would leave and I would say...
0:43:12 > 0:43:14HE SPEAKS MANDARIN
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Right, very simple job every day welcome and leave
0:43:16 > 0:43:20but three weeks into the job, three Chinese guys arrive.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23I say, "huanying guanglin," and then one of them really loudly,
0:43:23 > 0:43:26in front of everybody in the restaurant,
0:43:26 > 0:43:30says "huanying guanglin" and does a shit version of my shit Chinese.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34And I said, "Hold on a minute, buddy.
0:43:34 > 0:43:39"You can't do a bad version of my bad Chinese, that's racist.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42"I am the only white guy in the village."
0:43:42 > 0:43:44I was the only white guy in this small Chinese city of
0:43:44 > 0:43:46950,000 people.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49I was the only white guy in the town.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51So I said to him, "At least have the decency, mate.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54"We've all been out with the buddies, we all like a bit of un-PC
0:43:54 > 0:43:57"humour, wait till you get to the table then you can make fun of me.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59"Nobody can hear you, no problem."
0:43:59 > 0:44:02You know, "Hey, look at the white guy with his huanying guanglin.
0:44:02 > 0:44:03"How bad was his Chinese?
0:44:03 > 0:44:07"Huanying guanglin, huanying guanglin, huanying guanglin!"
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Fine, I can take that if I can't hear it
0:44:10 > 0:44:14but you can't huanying guanglin me, cos I'll tell you right now, buddy,
0:44:14 > 0:44:16if we were in Dublin or New York or Edinburgh
0:44:16 > 0:44:19and I walked into the Chinese restaurant and the welcomer was
0:44:19 > 0:44:25like, "Oh, you are very welcome" and I went, "Oh, you are very welcome.
0:44:25 > 0:44:29"Welcome to our restaurant. You want fried rice?"
0:44:31 > 0:44:36Well, I'd be arrested, so don't huanying guanglin me, asshole!
0:44:36 > 0:44:39And I'll tell you right now you are lucky. You are lucky, buddy,
0:44:39 > 0:44:42that I am a comedian because I would've been upset. I would've been
0:44:42 > 0:44:45upset except the minute that you said it I couldn't help but think
0:44:45 > 0:44:48this is going to rip it when I take this back to Edinburgh next year.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Anyway, thanks very much. I've been Des Bishop.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Thank you, have a good night. Thank you.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Des Bishop.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01Everybody give it up please for Ivo Graham.
0:45:03 > 0:45:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:45:12 > 0:45:13Good evening.
0:45:14 > 0:45:15This is very exciting,
0:45:15 > 0:45:19this is one of those moments where doing comedy feels really cool.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22It doesn't always feel cool. I'll tell you about the least cool moment of my comedy career.
0:45:22 > 0:45:25It was a few months ago on the way back from a gig on a train.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27It's one of these trains where there are no plug
0:45:27 > 0:45:30sockets in standard class but you can't move for them in first class.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33I needed to charge my phone to make an urgent phone call
0:45:33 > 0:45:36so I crept into first class, not for a permanent upgrade,
0:45:36 > 0:45:39just for long enough to get me some of that sweet, sweet juice.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42Stopped by the ticket inspector, asked me to leave,
0:45:42 > 0:45:44I said, "I need to make this call, it's important."
0:45:44 > 0:45:46We came to a compromise in the end and the compromise was
0:45:46 > 0:45:49that my phone could stay in first class but I could not.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52Let me tell you that is a grim, grim 35 minutes
0:45:52 > 0:45:54from Walton-on-Thames to Waterloo
0:45:54 > 0:45:57standing in the nether zone, peering through the glass at your
0:45:57 > 0:46:02iPhone enjoying a better quality of life than you can currently afford.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07Not a very cool person.
0:46:07 > 0:46:11I went to parties as a teenager, about one a year to keep my hand in.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15I was a big hit with the parents, parents loved me.
0:46:15 > 0:46:17They knew what they were getting from the other
0:46:17 > 0:46:21boys at their daughter's parties, they were getting red wine stains on the carpet and hormones.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23They knew what they were getting from me,
0:46:23 > 0:46:26a box of Roses at the start of the night, a hand with the washing up
0:46:26 > 0:46:29and a thank you letter in the first class post the following day.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32I don't like to boast much in my comedy
0:46:32 > 0:46:36but I'm not ashamed to say that I write a good thank you letter.
0:46:36 > 0:46:40Beautiful paper, beautiful handwriting, minimum two sides.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43I would always write my address in the top right hand corner
0:46:43 > 0:46:45just in case any of the mums wanted to write back -
0:46:45 > 0:46:49they never did but it's good to give them the option.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51The date underneath, the classic six figure date formation -
0:46:51 > 0:46:53day, month, year.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55Unless it was an American family obviously in which case it
0:46:55 > 0:46:58was day, month, year, because they've got to learn.
0:47:00 > 0:47:04Changing the world one letter at a time. It's very exciting.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09My life's got more exciting recently
0:47:09 > 0:47:13because I've started seeing a woman, it's very exciting.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15And she's been seeing me obviously that's crucial.
0:47:16 > 0:47:20Two directional seeing on a regular basis, who'd have thought it, finally!
0:47:20 > 0:47:22It's taken me a long time in my life but I've got there.
0:47:22 > 0:47:27It's very, very exciting. Is she my girlfriend? Yes and no.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29That's my response and her response respectively.
0:47:32 > 0:47:33It's very exciting.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35I'm not going to talk about the sex itself, I think
0:47:35 > 0:47:39that's a bit crude. It's quite difficult.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41It's just a serious of things that can go wrong, really.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43On a good day you'll pull a muscle,
0:47:43 > 0:47:45on a bad day, you'll create a life. No, thank you.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49If I wanted to pull muscles while creating lives,
0:47:49 > 0:47:51I'd play the Sims on a treadmill.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55I tell you what's exciting is the reaction from other men.
0:47:55 > 0:47:57I'll tell you about the first night I went back to hers.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00We kissed at a party, we then shared a taxi from the party,
0:48:00 > 0:48:02it was a taxi of purely geographical logic.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04I can't stress that enough.
0:48:04 > 0:48:08Her flat was halfway between the party and my flat, it made sense.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10But we never got to my flat.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12A bit of kissing in the back of the cab,
0:48:12 > 0:48:14we pull up outside her flat, she says,
0:48:14 > 0:48:17"Oh, you can, you can just come and stay the night here if you want?"
0:48:17 > 0:48:19That's not the exciting bit of the story,
0:48:19 > 0:48:22the exciting bit of the story is getting to say to the taxi driver,
0:48:22 > 0:48:27"Actually, mate, we'll both be getting off here if that's all right?"
0:48:27 > 0:48:28Whoo.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33You don't understand, you don't understand because you weren't there.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35It's like Vietnam, you'd have understood if you'd been there.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37If you'd seen the taxi driver's face,
0:48:37 > 0:48:40the most amazing mixture of emotions on his face.
0:48:40 > 0:48:45I think obvious anger at being referred to as mate by a posh child,
0:48:45 > 0:48:48but also a paternal pride in my achievement.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51I say paternal metaphorically, he wasn't my actual father.
0:48:51 > 0:48:52My father was not there.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55My father plays no part in this story apart from denying it
0:48:55 > 0:48:57had happened the following morning.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00But I put him in his place.
0:49:00 > 0:49:01If it didn't happen, Dad,
0:49:01 > 0:49:04then who am I writing this thank you letter to?
0:49:04 > 0:49:08Thanks so much for having me, guys, it's been very exciting. Goodbye!
0:49:08 > 0:49:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:49:11 > 0:49:13Give it up for Ivo Graham.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17Please welcome to the stage James Acaster.
0:49:19 > 0:49:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:49:28 > 0:49:33Thank you. Cheers. Good to see you. Nice to be here, Edinburgh.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36Er, I'm feeling a bit home sick.
0:49:36 > 0:49:37AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40I miss Pret a Manger. I love Pret a Manger.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43If you don't know Pret a Manger, it's an authentic French restaurant.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47So much in there, so much to manger.
0:49:49 > 0:49:52Just so much, I love manger in there so much.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57I could've worked at Pret a Manger, man, I could've been the supervisor.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59I turned it down.
0:49:59 > 0:50:00Too much pressure.
0:50:02 > 0:50:04Too much pressure, man.
0:50:04 > 0:50:07Leadership looks fun, it's stressful.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09It's like if you ever see anyone leading a conga.
0:50:11 > 0:50:16Oh, on the outside they're loving it sure. The whole time just...
0:50:16 > 0:50:17LAUGHTER
0:50:27 > 0:50:30In their heads, "I don't know where I'm going.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32"I didn't plan a route.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35"I never asked for any of this.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39"Oh, God, I miss my family."
0:50:42 > 0:50:46Everyone's trapped...in the conga.
0:50:48 > 0:50:50You think you can leave, you can't leave.
0:50:52 > 0:50:56The person at the back, maybe. They can let go, make a run for it.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59Everyone else, you let go, you're not out of the conga.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Now you're the leader of a rival conga.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04LAUGHTER
0:51:04 > 0:51:07Now you've got turf wars to worry about.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10Worst case scenario, you're second from the back, you let go,
0:51:10 > 0:51:13the person behind you loves congas, isn't giving up for anyone.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17Now you've got to try and mingle with a maniac on your hips.
0:51:18 > 0:51:21Going to have a serious discussion about Twelve Years a Slave,
0:51:21 > 0:51:23they're still going hell for leather.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26You'd have to go swimming just to get rid of them.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Trying to better myself.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37Trying to learn how to play pool lately.
0:51:37 > 0:51:39That's hard though before you even start.
0:51:39 > 0:51:41Got to set the balls up in that triangle.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46I don't know what order they're meant to go in.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49It's like seven yellows, seven reds, one black,
0:51:49 > 0:51:52they're not in an easy to memorise pretty pattern.
0:51:52 > 0:51:54If you want to remember the order of the colours
0:51:54 > 0:51:58of the rainbow just remember Richard of York Gave Battle In Vain, right?
0:51:58 > 0:52:00Easy.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03It's nothing like that when it comes to the pool balls...
0:52:06 > 0:52:07..until now.
0:52:08 > 0:52:12I had a night out off, I got a pen and paper out.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15Now, if I ever need to set those pool balls up
0:52:15 > 0:52:18I just remember Renovating Your Rock'n'roll Bungalow Yielded
0:52:18 > 0:52:22Yesterday's Ritalin Yet Raspberry Ripple Ying Yangs Repel Yoghurt.
0:52:23 > 0:52:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:52:30 > 0:52:34Or Systematically Sellotaping Steven Spielberg's Broken See Saws
0:52:34 > 0:52:37In Satellite Signals Southbound So Sushi Seems Suspicious,
0:52:37 > 0:52:39if you're playing spots and stripes.
0:52:41 > 0:52:42Goodbye!
0:52:43 > 0:52:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:52:48 > 0:52:49Give it up for James Acaster.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Finishing in style, make some noise please for Pete Firman.
0:52:57 > 0:52:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:53:04 > 0:53:07That's lovely. That's very nice. Good evening, hope you're all well.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09My name's Peter Firman, I'm a magician.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11I'm going to warm you up with a card trick.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14- There's a lady here with a black top. What's your first name?- Trish.
0:53:14 > 0:53:15Trish, Trish, Trish?
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Trish, Trish, take this pack of cards,
0:53:17 > 0:53:19I'm just going to toss it to you there, Trish.
0:53:19 > 0:53:23Ensure that is a perfectly ordinary pack of cards and take your time
0:53:23 > 0:53:25because we're going to do the trick with this deck.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28Trish, are you familiar with a deck of cards?
0:53:28 > 0:53:30All the faces are different, all the backs are the same,
0:53:30 > 0:53:33nothing to do with me, that's how they make them.
0:53:33 > 0:53:34Little bit of humour there.
0:53:34 > 0:53:36Tiny, tiny bit of humour there, don't judge.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39OK, Trish, I'm going to have you select a card in the fairest manner that I know.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41I'm going to let the cards fall,
0:53:41 > 0:53:44they're going to fall from hand to hand and you're going to say stop
0:53:44 > 0:53:47and wherever you say stop, that'll be the card that you pick.
0:53:47 > 0:53:49- Understood? All right, so just as they go from paw to paw.- Stop!
0:53:49 > 0:53:51- Missed it that time Trish, that's fine now.- Stop!
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Wait until I start, Trish, all right?
0:53:53 > 0:53:55Starting to get on my tits.
0:53:56 > 0:53:583,000 people, could've picked anyone.
0:53:58 > 0:54:01All right, so just as they go from hand to hand there, Trish.
0:54:01 > 0:54:02Missed it again, Trish.
0:54:02 > 0:54:05Trish, I'm not asking you to crack the Da Vinci code here, flower.
0:54:05 > 0:54:08It's one word. That's all there is to this.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10So just as they go...it's not easy,
0:54:10 > 0:54:11there's 52 chances it's not easy.
0:54:11 > 0:54:13- OK, so just, Trish, I'll go... - Stop!
0:54:13 > 0:54:15Very good! Trish take the card that you've stopped me at.
0:54:15 > 0:54:18Pop to the edge of the stage here. Have a little peeky-poos.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20Very good. Take it off there. Very good, Trish.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22Trish, I've got a pen inside my pocket
0:54:22 > 0:54:25and what I'd like you do is I'll take that other deck from you,
0:54:25 > 0:54:27if I grab that, Trish, there we go.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29And if you can take the pen and write your name, nice and big
0:54:29 > 0:54:32capital letters on the face of the card that you hold in your hands.
0:54:32 > 0:54:35Nice and big. Gentleman friend here? Hello, mate, what's your name?
0:54:35 > 0:54:38- Lee.- Lee! Having a good time there, Lee?- Not bad.- Good stuff.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41Do me a favour, Lee, just blink every now and then, it's a bit creepy.
0:54:41 > 0:54:45And...just try and keep your eyes above my crotch, it's off-putting.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Trish, how you doing? You done that?
0:54:47 > 0:54:49There's not many letters, it's not, it's not tough.
0:54:49 > 0:54:51All right, I'll take it back, I'll take it back.
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Now, Trish, if I hold it like this, is that the right way round
0:54:53 > 0:54:55- for your name, is it that way? - Yes.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58OK, so I'll, I'm going to show this, you can return to your seat there, Trish.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01Friends, this is Trish's card. I don't know the value,
0:55:01 > 0:55:04I don't know the orientation of the signature, have a good look.
0:55:04 > 0:55:05Trish has virtually bent it in half
0:55:05 > 0:55:07so it should be a doddle to find.
0:55:08 > 0:55:10I appreciate the help, Trish,
0:55:10 > 0:55:12because I'm not as good as the other boys.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14I'm going to mix up the card in the pack and I'm going to show you
0:55:14 > 0:55:17a few slight of hand manoeuvres. If you're in a game of cards, these
0:55:17 > 0:55:20are the moves to look for. First manoeuvre is called a riffle shuffle.
0:55:20 > 0:55:23This is called a riffle shuffle, that's that one, that's a riffle.
0:55:23 > 0:55:25Next one's called a Paris Hilton shuffle.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27Paris Hilton shuffle. Looks good, does bugger all.
0:55:29 > 0:55:32Oh, is she in, is she in? No, not here, all right.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34Next is the rarely seen, quite difficult,
0:55:34 > 0:55:36sometimes this gets a little pitter patter of applause,
0:55:36 > 0:55:38this is the one handed riffle shuffle.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40Let's see if this is achievable in Edinburgh.
0:55:40 > 0:55:43Oh, the boy wonder is halfway there. Yikes.
0:55:43 > 0:55:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:55:48 > 0:55:51Ten years of my life. OK, I...
0:55:51 > 0:55:54That's called springing the cards there...pardon me.
0:55:54 > 0:55:55Now, Trish, do you remember about three
0:55:55 > 0:55:57and a half weeks ago, you selected a card?
0:55:57 > 0:55:59And I've shuffled up the pack, mixed them up,
0:55:59 > 0:56:01I've shuffled them up. Inside of my pocket here, Trish,
0:56:01 > 0:56:04I've got a little envelope which happens to be empty.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06I'm going to drop the pack of cards inside of said stationary.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09I'm going to give them a little mixy-moo like that.
0:56:09 > 0:56:11I've got one more manoeuvre to show you, people.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14This one is called the Glasgow shuffle, this is the Glasgow shuffle.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17You mix them...pal.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20OK, I'm going to skewer the envelope on the blade of the knife.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23At the moment, Trish, you're thinking of one card and one card alone.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26If it's got your name across it, we'll know it straight away.
0:56:26 > 0:56:27One, two, buckle my shoe.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30One card and one card alone, friends, it is the ten of diamonds.
0:56:30 > 0:56:34Her name on it, give her a huge round of applause. Thank you, Trish.
0:56:34 > 0:56:37eBay. You guys are nice, I'm Pete Firman, have a nice night.
0:56:37 > 0:56:39Thank you very much, good night!
0:56:40 > 0:56:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:56:44 > 0:56:46Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Firman.
0:56:47 > 0:56:50You have been watching Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:56:50 > 0:56:53I'm Kevin Bridges, good night. Thank you!
0:56:54 > 0:56:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING