0:00:21 > 0:00:24It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Please welcome...Seann Walsh!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Thank you very much.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Oh, wonderful, thank you.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello, Edinburgh!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43AUDIENCE CHEER
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Hello, welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48AUDIENCE CHEER
0:00:48 > 0:00:50It's been a year since I've been here in Edinburgh.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53But a year I... A lot has happened to me,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56it's been a big year for me since I was last here.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00I have met and moved in with my girlfriend.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01- AUDIENCE:- Woo!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Thank you, yes! Do you know what it's like?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06You have to change, you have to adapt,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08different ways of looking at life.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12She thinks that when the dishwasher has finished the dishes,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14you put them in the cupboard.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16HE GIGGLES
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Whereas if you're me, the dishwasher is now the cupboard.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Why would you take something out of a box that cleans them
0:01:27 > 0:01:30and put them in one that doesn't, it makes no sense.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Now the flat has to be spotless, at all times,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36in case we have guests. Guests!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I used to have friends.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I remember friends would come round, we'd talk nonsense then go out.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45What are these guests doing?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Coming round and then leaving comments on Trip Advisor?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53"I was having a great time until I saw a DVD out of its case,
0:01:53 > 0:01:54"two stars." What?!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I've had to cut down on the drinking.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I'm still allowed to go out, but I'm not allowed to come home drunk.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Sorry, what, whu, how...? How does that work?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12What do you want me to do? Meet them in the front garden?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18I have to go out sober, with my friends, whilst they're drunk.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Do you know what you learn doing that?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Your friends are twats.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28I have to talk to them whilst they've got drunk eyes. Drunk eyes!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Do you know drunk eyes? I've paid attention.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Drunk eyes are when you have to keep your eyes closed
0:02:35 > 0:02:40for the entire duration that you turn your head to talk to someone else.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Do you know this?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I'll be at the pub, there'll be a few of us.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48My friend, Drunk Tom, starts talking.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52SLURRING: "Have...have...have you seen, have you seen Godzilla?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56"You have? Did you like it?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57"You did?"
0:02:59 > 0:03:00"What's your opinion?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:06APPLAUSE
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I, um... I love living with my girlfriend.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13But... And I do,
0:03:13 > 0:03:19but there are some things that it's very difficult to adjust to.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22For example, she is one of these...
0:03:24 > 0:03:25..morning people.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Do you know the morning people?
0:03:31 > 0:03:37It might not shock you to know I am not one of these morning people.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I hate waking up.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I mean, I can't stand it, even if I've got to wake up
0:03:42 > 0:03:44for something good, like going on holiday.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I mean, oh, my God, the alarm goes off.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50It can't just be me that thinks, "I could just not go."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I can lock myself in for a week, tell everyone I went,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58it was brilliant, that'll do.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00But she's not like that, she's up straight away. Boing!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Saying things.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Talking. What is there to talk about? Nothing's happened yet!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12She's up straight away. "Come on, darling,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"otherwise you'll miss the day."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I am trying to miss the day.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I hate the day.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21The day is where you've got to do all the stuff you don't want to do.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Go to work, talk to people at the bank, reply to emails,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26put lids back on things.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Put your shoes on, take your shoes off, wash yourself,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32even worse, dry yourself!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34How dull is that? Oh, my God.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Every day just going, "When is this going to end? I'm so bored!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"My God! Isn't there an app for this? Come on!"
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Why haven't they invented a Dyson body dryer yet?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Why has that not happened?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49The Airblade body dryer.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51You get out the bath, ten seconds of brrr...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and then you carry on with your day.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57She's not into all this.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01She's into waking up, she wakes me up. She wakes me up!
0:05:01 > 0:05:06The other day she woke me up to tell me...she was going out.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09HE SCREAMS
0:05:09 > 0:05:13What?! Come on!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"Darling, darling...woo-oo... I'm going out."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19STRAINED: Let's just assume that when I wake up
0:05:19 > 0:05:21and you're not there,
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I don't think we're playing hide and seek!
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Sometimes she wakes me up, pretends that she's being nice.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So that I have no room to moan.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48She'll wake me up, "Darling, darling, I made you a cup of tea."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52How can I want a cup of tea?!
0:05:52 > 0:05:57I'm asleep, I don't want anything!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59And you've not made a cup of tea, have you?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01You've not made a cup of tea,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03you've made a plan that I have to get up and do.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09She's got these things that she wakes me up with.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11She's got a noise gun, do you know the noise gun?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14She's got a noise gun, you must know the noise gun?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Come on, it's got that other function
0:06:16 > 0:06:18where it dries your hair. That piece of shit!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Every morning. IMITATES NOISY HAIRDRYER
0:06:28 > 0:06:30ROARS: Wake the hell up!
0:06:32 > 0:06:36With special noise spray. IMITATES SPRAYING
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Dee-doo-dee-doo.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Straighteners.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Me and my girlfriend live around the corner from my football team,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58so I go to the games. She doesn't like the games.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01She doesn't like the abuse the players get.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05She thinks they get too much abuse. They do get quite a lot of abuse.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I mean, I know they get paid a lot of money,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10but I have started to actually feel sorry for them.
0:07:10 > 0:07:16My God, imagine being called a wanker by 20,000 people.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Only in football is that OK.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21In no other job would you allow that.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Imagine Tesco's...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26..working behind the counter.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Just... Beep! Beep!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"Oh, hang on, sorry."
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Everyone in Tesco's turns round. "You wanker, wanker! Concentrate!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"Look at the bar code, would you? You wanker!" "Sorry, sorry, sorry,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43"I do apologise, sorry, I'm so sorry."
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Someone asks you for directions. "Excuse me. Hi, yeah.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Can you tell me where the mushrooms are, please?"
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Yeah, if you just follow me this way, down this side...
0:07:50 > 0:07:51"Oh, what am I talking about. Sorry!
0:07:51 > 0:07:56"We have moved things about a little bit, I'm so sorry." "You bellend!"
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"Why don't you concentrate which way you're going, you bell?!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"Huh? Piss off back to Sainsbury's, go on, piss off!"
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Can't go to the corner of the supermarket
0:08:07 > 0:08:09otherwise people start chucking 50ps at you.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19And the abuse continues after the final whistle.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Imagine that at Tesco's?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22You finish your shift...
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Get home every Saturday, sit down, try and relax,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34half ten, BBC One -
0:08:34 > 0:08:39three former Tesco's employees...
0:08:41 > 0:08:46..sit down and analyse how shit you were at work.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Six different angles, zooming in, highlighting you.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54AS ALAN HANSEN: "You cannot afford to drop the change at this level,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"that is just not good enough."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"If you're going to put six pints of milk in a bag,
0:09:02 > 0:09:03"you'd need to double bag."
0:09:06 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first act of the evening?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19CHEERING Yes.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It's a pleasure, a pleasure for me to introduce this man.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24He's a great friend of mine. I know you're going to love him.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Please welcome, Romesh Ranganathan!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Hello.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Very excited to be here.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It is, it's great to be in Edinburgh.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I sort of worry about coming to Edinburgh every year
0:09:48 > 0:09:49because I'm a vegan, I'm a vegan.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Are there any vegans in?- Woo!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55One of you. The rest of you enjoy life.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I am hungry all of the time.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I was vegetarian up until about a year ago.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I said to my wife, "I'm thinking about being vegan."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06She said to me, "You can't become vegan, dickhead.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"Nobody's going to invite us around for dinner
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"if you're going to be so bloody awkward."
0:10:11 > 0:10:15And I thought what better reason to become a vegan...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20..than to not go to people's houses for dinner, I hate it.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22And I understand why you don't want to be vegan,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24apart from that one person.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I get it because vegetarian food is rubbish. It is, isn't it?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I mean, it is, it's not my opinion, it's a fact.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32I tell you why it's a fact.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35The vegetarian food industry, they admit it.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38They admit it because they make vegetarian food
0:10:38 > 0:10:40that looks and tastes like meat.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42That's the biggest admission going.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I've never seen it happening the other way.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I've never seen a pork chop masquerading as a nut loaf,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49it doesn't happen.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I don't understand the logic behind it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I don't want to eat meat, but I want my vegetarian food
0:10:53 > 0:10:58to look and taste as much like meat as possible. Why is that ok?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It's like saying, I don't like racism but I find it quite exciting
0:11:01 > 0:11:04to sometimes get my friends to black up and I shout abuse at them.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I mean, I realise that's quite a leap.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I was at a wedding a while ago,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16and I don't know if they do this at weddings you go to.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19But weddings that I go to, what they always do part way through
0:11:19 > 0:11:24the proceedings, bring out an Indian buffet, yeah? To soak up the booze.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Somebody's dancing like a twat,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28throw a bhaji at them. That's the strategy.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31So anyway, I'm eating this bhaji...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38..and I'm thinking to myself,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I can't believe that anyone would want to eat food with animals in it
0:11:41 > 0:11:44when there's wonderful food like this that doesn't have animals in it.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I said to my mate, "Aren't these onion bhajis amazing?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:50He said, "Yes, mate. Yes, they are. But they're lamb pakoras."
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I keep finding out, though, about stuff that I can't eat as a vegan.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Like, for example, you know you can't have honey as a vegan,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02did you know that?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Can't have honey. Do you know why? Bee slavery.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11It's bee slavery, mate.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Think about it, you put them in a little prison,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18then every so often you come over, pump some smoke in, get them stoned
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and then burgle them.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25How harsh is that? And if you're the bee,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28that is just when you want some honey. When you're on a comedown.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And you can't have it because we've nicked it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Can you imagine how you'd feel as a bee?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Like, "Dude, I am mash up. What happened last night, bruv?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"Dude, I've got no idea, I just need some honey to get over this, mate.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"Oh, my God! What happened there, what happened?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"Dude, I told you you shouldn't have trusted that astronaut."
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I like going out in Edinburgh to eat, but I have problems.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I love going out for Indian, absolutely love it.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I took my wife out for Indian a while ago.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02She... Well, we got into an argument
0:13:02 > 0:13:04because she didn't think it was funny that I asked
0:13:04 > 0:13:07if we could get a discount if I sat in the window.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14But I think that's a deal.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18If you see me in there, you're going to eat in there, mate.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I mean, come on, man, THEY'RE eating in there.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's so good he's managed to convince a white woman to join him.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27I don't understand why we wouldn't eat in here.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I love Indian food but the problem is...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I don't know if there are any Asians in here,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35but the problem I find is whenever I go to an Indian with my friends,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39my friends all assume that I'm some sort of curry Jedi.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44AS YODA: Mmm, hot the jalfrezi is!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's unbelievable, we're sitting down for a meal
0:13:50 > 0:13:52and one of my friends will say to me,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"Um, Romesh, tell me.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59"What's in this, um..." HE LAUGHS
0:13:59 > 0:14:03"What's in this saag aloo? What's in that?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:05HE CHUCKLES SMUGLY
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Oh, I'll tell you what's in this saag aloo, my friend.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12This is an Indian. I'm Sri Lankan.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Why don't you tell me what you know about tortellini, you prick?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Thank you very much.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Fantastic stuff.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Ladies and gentlemen, this next act, I love her,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Shappi Khorsandi!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Hello!- Hello!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh, it's brilliant to be back in Edinburgh.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I missed the festival last year because I had a baby
0:14:52 > 0:14:54and I brought her with me this year. She's 13 months old now,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57so we've got to get on because she's in the car.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I have two of them now.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I have two of the children, and my boy is, he's six.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06What a glorious age six is.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08That lovely age where he'll say to me,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Mummy, Mummy, can we play Harry Potter?"
0:15:11 > 0:15:12"Of course we can, my darling."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15And I'll lock him in the cupboard under the stairs,
0:15:15 > 0:15:16for the summer.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I'm a single mum, ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23My children are with two different fathers
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and I'm not with either father
0:15:25 > 0:15:29and I've never even seen a whole episode of Jeremy Kyle before.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And I've been thinking, why did I end up in this situation?
0:15:32 > 0:15:33It's not what I planned.
0:15:33 > 0:15:40And I think it's because I'm not very good at ending relationships.
0:15:40 > 0:15:47I find having a baby just sort of neatly, cleanly draws a line,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50without any awkward conversation.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55When you are a single mum giving birth in an NHS hospital,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57all the staff, all the health workers
0:15:57 > 0:15:59automatically assume that you're a lesbian,
0:15:59 > 0:16:04and they are so cool about this that you know they've been on a course.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07They have been on a Don't Bat An Eyelash course,
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Don't Ask Any Questions.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11They were extra hospitable to me on the ward.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15They put a rainbow bedspread on the bed,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and a pair of very comfortable shoes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20And...it was delightful to see actually,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22because it's taken us so long
0:16:22 > 0:16:25to get that kind of equality for gay people.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29It was only this year that the same-sex marriage bill was passed,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and the night it was passed, my mother rang me.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34She was all jubilant cos she was out in Soho celebrating
0:16:34 > 0:16:37with my brother, cos my brother's going to be gay.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42When my dad dies.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48You know, being a female comedian at the festival
0:16:48 > 0:16:51you get interviewed and journalists always say to me,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54"Is it harder being a female comedian than a male comedian, is it harder?"
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I don't know, I've never been a male comedian.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I don't wake up in the morning and go, "Look, I'm a woman again!"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Right? But this job, stand-up comedy, right?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07We put our egos on the line for rejection, all the time.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10We get live rejection, and I think more men stick at this job
0:17:10 > 0:17:14because, come here...I think men are more used to rejection.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19You know, you are the ones that have to put yourselves out there
0:17:19 > 0:17:20and you're not allowed to cry.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I asked a guy out once, he said no,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I didn't talk to a man again for seven years.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27But you men, I've seen you.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31You've got to steel yourself from very young ages, aged 15, 16, 25.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33You go out to a club, you have a few beers, you go up to some girl
0:17:33 > 0:17:36and go, "Oh, would you, will you, er, have a drink with me?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"Oh, no, you laughed at me, clearly you're out of my league.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40"What about you, would you?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"Oh, my friends are watching, pop my collar.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43"Oh, no, you all laughed at me too
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"and did that to imply that I had a little cock."
0:17:47 > 0:17:50"Will you go out with me? Not you, darling, I'm not that desperate."
0:17:51 > 0:17:54That's why when a young, promising female comedian,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57she gets rejected by the audience, they don't laugh,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00she is more likely to walk off going, "OK, plan B, I'll be a teacher."
0:18:01 > 0:18:04But a young promising male comedian,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06if he dies on stage and no-one laughs,
0:18:06 > 0:18:12he is more likely to walk off and go, "Phew, that audience. Lesbians!"
0:18:13 > 0:18:18We don't give men enough credit for what your egos have to put up with.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Right, when I was 18, I was in a nightclub
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and these lads were laughing at my legs.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"You've got fat legs, hur-hur."
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Now, I don't care. Look, this is what my legs are for, right?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Age 18, I cried, I ran in the loo and cried.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Other people, women, came in, not even my friends, to console me.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35They're like, "Babe, do you know why he said that?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"Cos you've got beautiful skin.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"You've got beautiful skin and he knows he can't have you.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43"Ain't she got beautiful skin?" That's what you say to fat girls.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I came out of that loo feeling like a million dollars, right?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50In the history of mankind, it has never been socially acceptable
0:18:50 > 0:18:53for a man to stand in a pub or nightclub toilet going...
0:18:53 > 0:18:56SHE SOBS
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"She said I've got a little willy."
0:19:01 > 0:19:04And if he did, other men would not come in to console him
0:19:04 > 0:19:06going, "Mate, come here, what's she said to you?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"Oh, she's talking rubbish. You've got a lovely willy."
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Get in here, lads, tell him."
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"What? What? Who wants a fight?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"Oh, mate. It's bigger than mine."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20You have been delightful. Thank you very much.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Brilliant.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Ladies and gentlemen, this next act, I gigged with him
0:19:30 > 0:19:33all around the country, he's brilliant, you're going to love him.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Give it up for Andrew Lawrence!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Oh, thank you very much.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You seem lovely, you're just a good-looking, attractive,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51glamorous audience. I say that, it's dark in here, obviously.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I haven't got great eyesight either.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I've got... I sat on my glasses last week and broke them
0:19:57 > 0:19:59and I had to take them into the opticians
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and he said, "Have you thought about laser eye surgery?"
0:20:02 > 0:20:03"I've had nightmares about it, mate.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07"I've had nightmares about the smell of my own burning eyeball."
0:20:07 > 0:20:08"If you had laser eye surgery,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11"you'd never need to wear corrective lenses again."
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"Isn't there some risk involved?" "Yeah, some risk."
0:20:14 > 0:20:15"What if it all goes wrong?"
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"If it goes wrong, you get a complimentary guide dog."
0:20:26 > 0:20:28You seem lovely, you seem lovely.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I'm in a bad mood tonight, and I'm trying to snap out of it.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I got a disturbing text message about five minutes before
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I came on stage, threw me out of sorts, which I want to read for you.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Just see what you think.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Let me see, I'll just find it.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42All right, here we go.
0:20:42 > 0:20:48"You're entitled to compensation for your accident three years ago,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52"even if you didn't claim medical attention at the time.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54"Reply yes." That's disturbing, isn't it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Apparently I've been involved in an accident three years ago
0:20:57 > 0:20:59so bad, I don't even remember it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Either it's so horrific I've blocked it out my mind entirely,
0:21:05 > 0:21:10or I've sustained a head injury so bad it's caused me permanent amnesia.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13The most disturbing aspect of the whole thing is I've got
0:21:13 > 0:21:16absolutely no recollection of having contacted a personal injury lawyer
0:21:16 > 0:21:20and said, "Listen, I've just been involved in a horrific accident.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23"Don't want to do anything about it now.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"Text message me in three years to remind me, yeah?"
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I'm miserable all the time. I'm a miserable man,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and people don't know what to say to you when you're miserable, do they?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"Turn that frown upside down, Andrew."
0:21:42 > 0:21:46"Oh, thanks, still miserable and now my face is broken. Any other useful tips?"
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I don't know what to say to other people when they're in a bad mood.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51It's really difficult.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53"I feel like I'm taking one step forwards,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55"two steps backwards in life, Andrew."
0:21:55 > 0:21:58"What's wrong with that? Sounds like you're dancing.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"Carry on, enjoy yourself and have a good time."
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"I'm struggling with depression."
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"I think that's what you're supposed to be doing with it.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Congratulations.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"At least there's something in life you haven't failed at."
0:22:13 > 0:22:14I'm a negative man.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I don't like overly positive people,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19people who are positive in a fake way, that annoys me.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Queasy platitudes like, "Tomorrow's another day, Andrew!"
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"Not if I push you in front of a bus before midnight."
0:22:28 > 0:22:32I'm just a despicable human being. Awful person, I think.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I don't make an effort to ingratiate myself with people.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Someone said, "Are you a glass half full
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"or a glass half empty person, Andrew?"
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I think I'm more of a glass in the face chap, I think that's who I am.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44And thank goodness, thank goodness for comedy
0:22:44 > 0:22:46cos I'm practically unemployable.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48A lot of different jobs when I was younger,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I find I don't mix well with other people.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52A cramped office, too many people working there.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55The same chitchat, small talk every Monday morning.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58"What did you do at the weekend, Andrew?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00"What did you do at the weekend?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:02HE REPEATS IN INCREASINGLY MORONIC VOICE
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Have to make something up to preserve my own sanity, you know.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"I went freefall skydiving with some friends
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"I met during a cage fighting tournament.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"One of them was a Saudi Arabian prince,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"he lived in a 13th century castle.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23"We all went back on his diamond-encrusted private jet full of naked women and champagne.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"There was an enormous masquerade ball.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"David Bowie was there in his original costume from the Labyrinth film.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"We all went down the garden,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"jumped in the river naked, started howling at the moon.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"There was an enormous bonfire on the lawn with some small children
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"trapped in it and everyone had violent sex on the grass
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"intoxicated by the sound of the children's burning, tortured screams,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"and then it was dwarf-tossing in the north wing
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"and one of them cracked their head off the ceiling and died,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"and on the way home we were each given a party bag full of heroin.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"So I got in, put some washing on,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"just jacked up in front of the television.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"Apart from that, it was a quiet one. what about you?"
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Goodnight, thank you, thank you.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Ladies and gentlemen, up next, a personal favourite of mine.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Go crazy, go wild for Henry Paker!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Hello!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Hello.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Hello, hello, hi. Thank you very much.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Hello, my name is Henry.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34I am a balding man, yep.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I've done what we all do eventually which is shave it close,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40make it look like a decision.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Yes. I'm also growing the compensatory facial hair.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52What this is saying is, I can make hair.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I've got no problem with the manufacturing,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59just the distribution.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06Yep. I'm also developing this, the middle-aged fat band.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It's starting to emerge here, it's getting bigger every day.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13It's quite depressing, it's the first thing I see when I wake up.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18The only good thing about it is that because of its positioning,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21it doesn't affect my trouser size,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23which is quite a nice boost.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26It means that I'm still living a trouser lie.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I still get to wear 34 inch trousers.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32The same trousers I bought when I was 16.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I can still proudly go to the shop.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"Yes, thank you very much, I'll have another little pair
0:25:37 > 0:25:38"of 34 trousers, thank you, yes.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"I'll just slip on those little 34 trousers,
0:25:41 > 0:25:42"thank you very much, lovely.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"Fold this over the top..."
0:25:47 > 0:25:51"..and I'll be on my way in my skimpy little 34 trousers.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53"Thank you."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Yeah, so I'm becoming middle-aged.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56My friends are becoming middle-aged
0:25:56 > 0:25:59and they're starting to do things that middle-aged people do.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02For example, a friend of mine recently moved to the country.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05And I went to visit him in the country
0:26:05 > 0:26:08and as far as I can tell the country has driven my friend completely mad.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09I know he's gone mad,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12because on the first day I was sitting in his cottage,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15having a lovely time watching television, right?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16And my friend walked in
0:26:16 > 0:26:19and he said something which made absolutely no sense.
0:26:19 > 0:26:25He said, "Henry, I hope you've brought your walking shoes."
0:26:28 > 0:26:29I thought,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I mean, is there any other kind?
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I would argue that if your shoes aren't walking shoes,
0:26:38 > 0:26:39they're socks.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Anyway, I went for a walk with my friend, right,
0:26:43 > 0:26:44he took me for a walk,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48and the walk was the most fabulously dull thing
0:26:48 > 0:26:50that has ever happened to me.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54The walk was so dull that my friend had to keep offering me these shit incentives.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58He'd say things like, "It's all right, Henry, in 45 minutes
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"when we get to the top of that hill,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02"I'm going to crack open the thermos."
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"Yeah, we can have a cup of tea!"
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Now, a lot of the time, I can't be bothered
0:27:12 > 0:27:17to walk to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I've got to walk up a mountain,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22for tea from a lid.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28This is the lid of thermos tea that you end up handing round
0:27:28 > 0:27:32like a sort of depressing middle-aged spliff.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"It's good shit, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"Yeah, it's 100% uncut Tetleys, yeah."
0:27:41 > 0:27:46"Yeah, I get it from this man I know hangs around in Sainsbury's, yeah."
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Anyway, we reached the pinnacle of the walk, right, which was the view.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56My friend was standing proudly surveying this view.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58He said, "Henry, isn't it fantastic?"
0:27:58 > 0:28:02And we looked out over the view, and I thought "Yeah...well, I mean,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05"there is quite a lot of this sort of stuff available online."
0:28:06 > 0:28:09He said, "Henry, no, no, no, it's fantastic, Henry.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"Check this out. If you look really hard in the distance,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14"you're going to love this. Look really hard in the distance.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18"You can just see...the cottage!"
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Yeah, I had an excellent view of the cottage three hours ago.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I was inside the cottage.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I could see it in detail, I could interact with it.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32They've also got tea there, in a mug.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Thank you very much, I was Henry Paker.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Thank you for listening. Goodbye.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Brilliant stuff!
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Up next, this guy is an Edinburgh veteran,
0:28:50 > 0:28:51he's up here every year smashing it.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Give it up for Mark Watson!
0:28:53 > 0:28:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Thank you!
0:29:03 > 0:29:05So there you go, that is middle-aged, Fringe veteran.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08That does make me feel... Veteran, Christ! I'm 34!
0:29:08 > 0:29:12But it's true, it's ten years since I did my first Edinburgh show, ten years.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Ten years ago I did a show with a comedian called Rhod Gilbert
0:29:15 > 0:29:17who, as some of you probably know,
0:29:17 > 0:29:20very sadly went on to have a better career than me.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Those days, this is to put it in context how old I feel in Edinburgh.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28My venue was a pub and I would be scared of being ID'd.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32I used to take a passport with me because I wasn't always allowed in.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34So it's very rare that that happens now.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37If I go to a pub now and I don't get in, I've gone in the morning.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40Sorry, cos in Scotland that joke doesn't resonate at all.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42No time of day or night.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45I've been asked one time for ID in the past year,
0:29:45 > 0:29:48and even then it wasn't like some sort of pub raid.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51It was trying to buy wine in Marks & Spencer
0:29:51 > 0:29:53and the guy himself was clearly ten years younger than me.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55That was the... He couldn't have been 20.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58He said, "Have you got any proof that you're over 18?"
0:29:58 > 0:30:00I said, "Well, yeah, I'm in Marks & Spencer, mate."
0:30:02 > 0:30:05How much clearer do you want my situation in life to be? So, I start
0:30:05 > 0:30:08looking through cardigans - "That's good value.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11"It'll be good quality, as well, if I know my Marks and Sparks."
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Oh, that made me shiver, even saying that as a joke.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17That's one rule I live my life by - if you say Marks and Sparks,
0:30:17 > 0:30:18time to shoot yourself in the face.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24I am. I'm a dad. I've got, not just a dad.
0:30:24 > 0:30:25I've got a four-year-old kid now.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28I'm old enough to start saying things like Marks and Sparks.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32My boy is old enough to have formed an idea of what I do for a living,
0:30:32 > 0:30:34which is worrying, when you think what it is.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36He's got a thing where, when I leave the house for a gig,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39he says, "Be funny, Daddy".
0:30:39 > 0:30:43It's really cute. Also, absolutely chilling, of course.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47"Be funny, Daddy. Have a sustainable income, Daddy,
0:30:47 > 0:30:49"in these uncertain times."
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Might as well wave a little flag, saying,
0:30:51 > 0:30:55"Will there be Christmas this year or is it one of those leap years
0:30:55 > 0:30:56"you talked about last year?"
0:30:58 > 0:31:00It's old enough to be setting a better example.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03I should be setting a better example.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Last year, I started to drink too much,
0:31:05 > 0:31:08cos its nerve-racking, of course, doing stand up.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10So, you find ways around it. My cunning solution
0:31:10 > 0:31:13was to drink heavily and so I started.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16I know, it's not ideal, really. It was definitely... It WAS a problem.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20There was a period last year - this time last year - where I'd become,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23there's not really a word for it, but like a shopaholic with booze.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27It's nice when some people laugh at that joke.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29It cost me a year of my life, really.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33I started having a little bit of wine before a gig, which is fine.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35But then, it would be a half a bottle.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Nearly a bottle of wine, at one point, before a gig
0:31:37 > 0:31:40and I would do that religiously. By religiously, I mean,
0:31:40 > 0:31:43without really thinking it through in detail and so...
0:31:45 > 0:31:49Of course, drinking too much makes you twitchy and paranoid.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52You start to feel that you're not like other people and, which again
0:31:52 > 0:31:56may be true, but you don't want to feel like that in everyday life.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59I've had a lot of failed attempts to interact with my fellow humans.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03This kind of thing is fine. It's just outside of the comfort of a theatre.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06I was on the Underground in London. Got off, there was an escalator.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09As I got on it, without meaning to, I got between these two mates.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12One was walking very fast and one was dawdling.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14So, I'm suddenly between these two guys.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17The guy in front continued talking over his shoulder,
0:32:17 > 0:32:19as if he was still talking to his mate. But he wasn't.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22It was now me and, in fact, his mate was miles back.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25And it was quite personal information. He was going on about
0:32:25 > 0:32:27his girlfriend, Debs, or it could have been a wife.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30It seemed like a girlfriend. "Tell you what annoys me about Debs.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"Something else Debs does. Oh, I tell you what," and so on.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35I felt like I had to start going, "Yeah, yeah".
0:32:35 > 0:32:40Basically, filling in for the friend that he believed was really there.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43And for about a minute, I got away with it and it was going really well.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46He didn't look round once. There was a bit where I got so cocky,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I even went, "Ha-ha! Debs!"
0:32:48 > 0:32:52Yeah, it was. "Oh, Debs!" Not bad, considering I'd never met
0:32:52 > 0:32:54any of the people in this equation before.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Of course, the moment was coming where the guy was going to find out
0:32:57 > 0:33:00and I didn't know how to dig myself out of this situation.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03So, of course, the moment did come. We got to the top of the escalator,
0:33:03 > 0:33:05The guy said, "Shall we go for a pint?"
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Swung round and, for the first time... You can imagine the scene.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Instead of his mate, down the escalator,
0:33:10 > 0:33:14it was me and so I had five seconds to get myself out of the situation
0:33:14 > 0:33:15with dignity. Didn't really work out.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18We just looked at each other in silence and I said,
0:33:18 > 0:33:20"WE'RE friends now."
0:33:22 > 0:33:26But in the guy's opinion, we weren't. It was obviously a joke.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29He was terrified - "No, we are not!" And he actually ran away with
0:33:29 > 0:33:31his real friend, as if I was going to come after them -
0:33:31 > 0:33:34"Come on what about our friendship? Let's get a DVD. Seen Marley & Me?
0:33:34 > 0:33:38"There's ever such a nice dog in it." Right, I'm off in a minute.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Always leave them wanting more. That was the advice my uncle gave me.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44"Leave them wanting more!" That's how he lost his job in Disaster Relief.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49I save that one for last. My name's Mark Watson. Thanks very much!
0:33:49 > 0:33:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Brilliant. Are you ready for your next act?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- ALL:- Yes!
0:33:59 > 0:34:02He's new to the scene. He's absolutely fantastic. I love him.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04I gigged with him all over the country.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Give it up for Pierre Novellie!
0:34:07 > 0:34:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:16 > 0:34:17Hello!
0:34:17 > 0:34:18- ALL:- Hello!
0:34:18 > 0:34:22My name is Pierre Novellie, which I will explain.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I know, it is silly, it needs to be explained, I am aware.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28I've had it my whole life. Pierre is French, Novellie is Italian.
0:34:28 > 0:34:29I am neither.
0:34:29 > 0:34:34Nor is any member of my family. Nor have I ever lived in those places,
0:34:34 > 0:34:38nor do I speak those languages. My name is fully irrelevant to me
0:34:38 > 0:34:40and everything I've ever done in life.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43And it's hard to spell over the phone.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45That's a bonus, isn't it? That's fun.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48My name means I get to have the same conversation with everybody
0:34:48 > 0:34:51I meet all the time. I'm really good at it now.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54It goes like this... "Hi, my name's Pierre."
0:34:54 > 0:34:56"Are you French?" "No."
0:34:57 > 0:35:01"Oh, but your name's French." "What did I just say?"
0:35:01 > 0:35:03"Just then, what did I say?"
0:35:03 > 0:35:06I feel bad. I don't know what people want from me in that scenario.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Maybe they want it to be more exciting.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10"Hi, my name's Pierre." "Are you French?"
0:35:10 > 0:35:12"No." "Oh, but your name's French."
0:35:12 > 0:35:15"Ho-ho-ho-ho! I was trying to trick you, monsieur."
0:35:18 > 0:35:20"But I am France's worst-ever spy."
0:35:22 > 0:35:26But, no, the reason for the silly name is I'm originally from
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Johannesburg in South Africa. It's quite fun being South African.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Its especially fun being a white South African,
0:35:31 > 0:35:36because it means everyone assumes that you are a racist.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Which means people assume that I am a racist,
0:35:38 > 0:35:42purely on the basis of the colour of my skin...
0:35:42 > 0:35:43LAUGHTER
0:35:43 > 0:35:48..and where I was born. Ah, let the irony fill the room.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Rub it on your gums. It's pure. You won't get better irony this week.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02Now, that creates a paradox whereby, as an immigrant,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05the welcome I have received in this country from racists has been
0:36:05 > 0:36:07overwhelmingly positive.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12They're very happy to see me. I think they think of me
0:36:12 > 0:36:17as "outside expertise". You know, like, I'm a consulting racist.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22"We'll let him move here. We'll see if he has any hints
0:36:22 > 0:36:26"and if he doesn't, just deport him. It's fine."
0:36:26 > 0:36:29When people find out you're from Africa, they ask stupid questions.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33The questions aren't wrong. They're accurate, but in the wrong context,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36like Leonardo Di Caprio's accent in Blood Diamond.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Very good accent - completely wrong.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41His character's from Zimbabwe, his accent's from South Africa,
0:36:41 > 0:36:45all the slang he uses is from a very specific racial group in Cape Town,
0:36:45 > 0:36:49to which he does not belong. That's like an American actor
0:36:49 > 0:36:52playing a character who's supposed to be from Glasgow,
0:36:52 > 0:36:54but they have a Welsh accent!
0:36:54 > 0:37:00And they insist on using exclusively Cockney rhyming slang.
0:37:01 > 0:37:06WELSH ACCENT: "Oh, terrible up in Glasgow, isn't it?!
0:37:06 > 0:37:10"Oh, I was nearly brown bread a few times up there, you know."
0:37:10 > 0:37:16Where is this man from? Definitely Britain.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Oh, yeah! The stupidest question I ever got asked was,
0:37:18 > 0:37:22"Hey, Pierre, you know that song at the start of The Lion King?"
0:37:22 > 0:37:25I said, "Yeah." Wherever he's going with that question,
0:37:25 > 0:37:29it's not going to be good, is it? Not going to be a smart question.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31"Is that your national anthem?"
0:37:33 > 0:37:40"No, I don't think Elton John was available at the time, to be honest."
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Now, a fun piece of trivia I'd like to leave you guys on is
0:37:44 > 0:37:47that song, that first bit, if you don't know it, it goes...
0:37:47 > 0:37:49# Nam zin gonya ma gi bi de ba ba. #
0:37:49 > 0:37:53Like that. Now, that's Zulu and I've known that song my whole life.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56I never knew what it meant, but I got it translated.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58My uncle's fluent in Zulu, he translated it for me.
0:37:58 > 0:37:59I thought he was playing a prank.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02I had to look it up on four other websites, just to be sure
0:38:02 > 0:38:05he wasn't taking the piss. Stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07# Nam zin gonya ma gi bi de ba ba #
0:38:07 > 0:38:10translates loosely from Zulu into English as...
0:38:10 > 0:38:14# Look, there's a lion coming Oh, yes, it's a lion. #
0:38:14 > 0:38:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:17 > 0:38:18That's it.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25That's it. Yeah.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29It's very much the plot of the film, guys.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Every Zulu person in the cinema was sitting there, going,
0:38:32 > 0:38:37"Mm-hm. We know. We were expecting this."
0:38:37 > 0:38:40And the rest of us had to sit there, like idiots -
0:38:40 > 0:38:43"Oh, it's such noble gibberish, isn't it?"
0:38:44 > 0:38:46If that's ruined The Lion King for you - good.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50It's a child's film. Move on. I've been Pierre Novellie.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Thanks very much. Good night.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Brilliant stuff!
0:38:57 > 0:39:00# Ah, there's a lion coming... #
0:39:00 > 0:39:02I thought that was my intro.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04# There's a lion coming. #
0:39:07 > 0:39:10The Lion King or Justin Lee Collins or the girl from Outnumbered.
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Well...
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Up next, we've got a real treat. This guy is smashing it,
0:39:19 > 0:39:23up here at the Festival. Go wild for Ed Gamble!
0:39:23 > 0:39:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Hello.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Hello. How are we all doing? Are we good?
0:39:33 > 0:39:34- ALL:- Yes!
0:39:34 > 0:39:37I'm going to tell you a few things about myself.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo!
0:39:38 > 0:39:42Oh, thank you. Good. Already excited. In the last two years, I've lost
0:39:42 > 0:39:45- six stone in weight. ALL:- Whoo!
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Thank you. That was about half of you whooping.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49That's fine. That a nice reaction.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52A lot just went with, "Couldn't give a shit, mate, quite frankly.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56"You'd better make with the funny pretty sharpish on that topic,
0:39:56 > 0:39:59"cos at the moment, it sounds an awful lot like you are showing off.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02"That is not what we are here for." That's fine - the perfect UK reaction
0:40:02 > 0:40:03to that information.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05If I stood up at a comedy night in America
0:40:05 > 0:40:08and announced that, the reaction would be very different.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12If I stood up at a bus stop in America and announced that,
0:40:12 > 0:40:13that I'd lost six stone in weight,
0:40:13 > 0:40:15once we'd converted those stone to pounds and everyone
0:40:15 > 0:40:18was on the same page...
0:40:18 > 0:40:21those people would be on their feet, wouldn't they?
0:40:21 > 0:40:25"Whoo! You go, sir! You take control of your life.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27"We're proud of you, we want to hear your story."
0:40:27 > 0:40:28In the UK it's, "Bet you were funnier
0:40:28 > 0:40:31when you were fat, you prick."
0:40:31 > 0:40:34When I lost that amount of weight in that short amount of time,
0:40:34 > 0:40:36obviously all my clothes far too big for me,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39quite exciting, thought, "Create a whole new personality for myself."
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Where did I go to create this whole new personality?
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Went where everyone goes to create a whole new personality.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46I went to River Island.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49And the moment I lost that last millimetre that got me
0:40:49 > 0:40:52into the top size that they did, I practically kicked their doors in.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Turns out this particular branch were automatic doors,
0:40:55 > 0:40:57so I just sort of went straight through.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01I'll tell you what I bought, right, it was a belt.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04I'm not wearing it for reasons that will become very clear.
0:41:04 > 0:41:05But I've brought the buckle to show you.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07I thought, "Hey, I've lost all this weight,
0:41:07 > 0:41:09"what sort of guy have I become?
0:41:09 > 0:41:12"I think I might be the sort of guy that wears an eagle belt!"
0:41:12 > 0:41:14There it is, the eagle belt.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16What sort of guy have I become?
0:41:16 > 0:41:18It's a prick, I've become a prick!
0:41:18 > 0:41:21The eagle very much the prick identity badge.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Everyone on the floor, there's a prick in the house.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Now, the thing you'll notice about this particular eagle -
0:41:27 > 0:41:28very sharp wing tips.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35This was absolutely fine when I tried it on in the shop standing up.
0:41:36 > 0:41:37LAUGHTER
0:41:37 > 0:41:40As soon as I got that belt home and tried it on sitting down,
0:41:40 > 0:41:43I got a sharp, painful and physical reminder that apparently,
0:41:43 > 0:41:45I AM still too fat to shop in River Island.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50As those wings dug so far into my stomach, it was horrific,
0:41:50 > 0:41:53and they've actually started to leave permanent purple marks
0:41:53 > 0:41:56on my stomach, which has given the odd effect of my
0:41:56 > 0:41:59genital area being in inverted commas.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:07 > 0:42:10So I've done all this hard work down the gym
0:42:10 > 0:42:11and I've ended up with a "cock".
0:42:13 > 0:42:16And no-one wants a sarcastic crotch!
0:42:16 > 0:42:19No-one wants to pull their trousers and pants down and for a girl
0:42:19 > 0:42:22to go, "Actually, that's the lowest form of wit, I think you'll find."
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Plus, I hang slightly to the right
0:42:24 > 0:42:26so it already looked like I was in italics.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32Now my whole nether region looks like a whispered quote, it's awful.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Like my body's talking about me in hushed tones.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38"Don't ever go down there, it's terrible, all right!"
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Something else, I'd decided to get a bit healthier
0:42:40 > 0:42:44because I am a type 1 diabetic, which basically means
0:42:44 > 0:42:46that my pancreas has gone, "Bye!"
0:42:46 > 0:42:48No longer produces insulin,
0:42:48 > 0:42:51so I have to inject insulin to maintain my own blood sugar levels.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Or, as one of my friends once succinctly put it,
0:42:54 > 0:42:58"Don't give Ed a mini Snickers, he'll go ape shit."
0:43:01 > 0:43:05Not the sexiest condition on the disease smorgasbord.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08In fact, it's the only condition where I have had
0:43:08 > 0:43:10to stop halfway through sex to have a Kit Kat.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:43:19 > 0:43:22I've been telling that joke night after night at the Fringe,
0:43:22 > 0:43:25and the other night a woman shouted out, "Ooh, how lovely, a break."
0:43:25 > 0:43:27LAUGHTER
0:43:27 > 0:43:30Thank you very much, I've been Ed Gamble, good night!
0:43:30 > 0:43:31CHEERING
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Ed Gamble!
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Go crazy for this next act, she's a great friend of mine.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41I've toured all around the country with her,
0:43:41 > 0:43:45she's having a great festival, give it up for Suzi Ruffell!
0:43:48 > 0:43:50APPLAUSE
0:43:52 > 0:43:54What a pleasure to be here!
0:43:54 > 0:43:57Oh, it's a pleasure to be here, it really is.
0:43:57 > 0:44:01I'm very excited at the moment, cos I'm in a new relationship.
0:44:01 > 0:44:02- AUDIENCE:- Whoo! - Correct.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04That exciting bit right at the beginning
0:44:04 > 0:44:06when you go, "Oh, is it going to work out?
0:44:06 > 0:44:08"The rest of them haven't." That bit, exciting, isn't it?
0:44:08 > 0:44:12I did the first thing, the Facebook stalk. We've all done that, haven't we?
0:44:12 > 0:44:14Go through the profile pictures, have a little look.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16"Oh...
0:44:16 > 0:44:18"Oh...
0:44:18 > 0:44:19UNCERTAIN: "Oh..."
0:44:20 > 0:44:23All of a sudden you're in 2008.
0:44:23 > 0:44:26Thinking, "Oh, don't accidentally press like!"
0:44:28 > 0:44:30Whatever you do, do not press like!
0:44:30 > 0:44:33If you press like, you'll have to eat your computer
0:44:33 > 0:44:36and jump out the window. Whatever you do - don't press like!
0:44:36 > 0:44:37Didn't, it was fine.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39Went through the profile pictures -
0:44:39 > 0:44:41you need a bigger hit, don't you? Into the albums - boom!
0:44:41 > 0:44:45First album I find is called "Me, You, Us, Paris."
0:44:45 > 0:44:47We've never been to Paris.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49Shouldn't be looking at that album, that would be
0:44:49 > 0:44:51a massive invasion into the privacy.
0:44:51 > 0:44:55But I'm looking at it, going through, becoming slowly jealous of the past.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Has this happened to anybody else?
0:44:57 > 0:44:58Became jealous of relationships that
0:44:58 > 0:45:00happened before she even knew I existed.
0:45:00 > 0:45:04Looking through and going "Oh, look at you and your ex.
0:45:05 > 0:45:09"Look at you and your ex - in Paris!
0:45:09 > 0:45:12"Oh, look at you, look at you having a lovely time in Paris!
0:45:12 > 0:45:14"Look at you, look at you at the Arc De Triomphe,
0:45:14 > 0:45:17"look at you at the Eiffel Tower, look at you, look at you!
0:45:17 > 0:45:19"Well, it didn't work out, it didn't bloody work out!"
0:45:19 > 0:45:21And what I've found is if you put that
0:45:21 > 0:45:23into the comments box underneath...
0:45:23 > 0:45:25LAUGHTER
0:45:25 > 0:45:28..the abuse you get is unbelievable, it really is.
0:45:28 > 0:45:29It's with a girl,
0:45:29 > 0:45:31my new relationship, I'm a gay, in case anyone's interested.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34- AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Whoo! Yeah! - Thanks very much.
0:45:34 > 0:45:35LAUGHTER
0:45:35 > 0:45:37You have to come out if you're gay. That's a weird thing to do,
0:45:37 > 0:45:39tell your Mum and Dad.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41I had to sit my dad down. My dad's a proper geezer,
0:45:41 > 0:45:44he's a proper bloke, he's a proper man's man.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46He's so much of a man's man, in fact, that he can only
0:45:46 > 0:45:49write in capital letters. That's how much of a bloke he is.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51He doesn't even know there's a lower case.
0:45:51 > 0:45:54No matter what he writes, it looks aggressive.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57Just like, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE, DAD."
0:45:57 > 0:45:59In crayon!
0:45:59 > 0:46:01LAUGHTER
0:46:01 > 0:46:03On the back of a Racing Post!
0:46:03 > 0:46:05The only way it would be more sinister would be
0:46:05 > 0:46:07if he cut it out from a newspaper.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09He's got to a stage in his life where he sneezes
0:46:09 > 0:46:13so loudly, the cat completely shits himself - that's him!
0:46:13 > 0:46:16He deems it perfectly acceptable after an Indian meal to take
0:46:16 > 0:46:19the hot lemony cloth and have a full bloody wash - that's him!
0:46:19 > 0:46:21"Oh, your armpits as well, that's nice."
0:46:22 > 0:46:25I had to sit him down to tell him. "Dad, I've got this thing to tell you
0:46:25 > 0:46:27"and it's really, really stressing me out.
0:46:27 > 0:46:29"Keeping me up at night, making me sick in the morning."
0:46:29 > 0:46:31He said, "Don't tell me you're pregnant!"
0:46:31 > 0:46:33I said, literally, "You wish!"
0:46:34 > 0:46:37I just blurted it out, I went, "Dad, I'm gay!"
0:46:37 > 0:46:39He went, "Oh, all right, love, fair enough."
0:46:39 > 0:46:41That was it, no reaction at all! Everyone else had a reaction.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44All of my female friends said, "Do you fancy me?"
0:46:45 > 0:46:48All of my male friends said, "Do you want a threesome?"
0:46:48 > 0:46:51And my brother said, "Well, you've ruined porn!"
0:46:51 > 0:46:52So...
0:46:54 > 0:46:56Everyone had A reaction.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59Another thing, really annoying me,
0:46:59 > 0:47:01something one of my cousins said actually.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04One of my teenage cousins says the expression, "That's so gay."
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Oh, I hate it, I hate it so much, cos it means,
0:47:07 > 0:47:09- "That's so shit", doesn't it? AUDIENCE:- Yeah.
0:47:09 > 0:47:12So I've decided the only time you can say, "That's so gay"
0:47:12 > 0:47:14is if something SO GAY happens to you.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Like, if I came out here tonight and I went
0:47:16 > 0:47:19"Guys, before I even begin, I have to tell you about my night last night!
0:47:19 > 0:47:21"I went out, all of a sudden I was transported
0:47:21 > 0:47:24"to a club in San Francisco. I looked down.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26"I was wearing a dress made completely of a rainbow flag.
0:47:26 > 0:47:30"I started dancing, as I did, 14 drag queens came and joined me -
0:47:30 > 0:47:32"all dressed as Cher!
0:47:32 > 0:47:34"As It's Raining Men came on, I go over to the bar.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37"There is Alan Carr, Paul O'Grady, Stephen Fry and Graham Norton.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39"A cushion of chat show hosts, if you like.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42"They say to me, 'Suz, after these tequila slammers we're off to
0:47:42 > 0:47:45"'Jodie Foster's house for a bit of karaoke, do you fancy it?'
0:47:45 > 0:47:46"I said, 'Yes, I do.'
0:47:46 > 0:47:49"So I went to the cloakroom, I got my Birkenstocks
0:47:49 > 0:47:51"and the fleecy zip-up, nice to be prepared.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53"When I get outside, there is a pink stretched limousine.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55"I look in the driver seat -
0:47:55 > 0:47:57"it's only Dolly bloody Parton, I think this is good!
0:47:57 > 0:48:00"I give her my t.A.T.u CD, in we pop it, off we go.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02"We stop to pick up two of those little yappy dogs,
0:48:02 > 0:48:04"do a little interior design and pick up George Michael,
0:48:04 > 0:48:06"because he's been banned again.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09"When we get to Jodi Foster's house there's Clare Balding and
0:48:09 > 0:48:12"Martina Navratilova doing a duet of 'I kissed a girl and I liked it.'"
0:48:12 > 0:48:15Now, if that happens, you can say, "That's so gay",
0:48:15 > 0:48:17you can say it till the cows come home!
0:48:18 > 0:48:20APPLAUSE
0:48:20 > 0:48:22My name's Suzi Ruffell. You've been delightful.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24Thank you very much, good night!
0:48:24 > 0:48:26CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:48:26 > 0:48:29Suzi Ruffell, yes! Whoo!
0:48:31 > 0:48:34Ladies and gentlemen, you are going to love our next act.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36One of the top double acts in the country.
0:48:36 > 0:48:38Go crazy for Cardinal Burns!
0:48:50 > 0:48:52All right? LAUGHTER
0:48:52 > 0:48:55How we doing? Are we all right, everybody all right?
0:48:55 > 0:48:57- Good, all right. - I'll sit here, Terry.
0:48:57 > 0:48:59- I'm going to sit here. - Yeah, that's all right.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Ah, that's better.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08Oh, dear, how are you, you all right?
0:49:08 > 0:49:10- Yeah, I'm not bad, yeah. - Yeah?- Yeah.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12- It's good to hear, ain't it? - Yeah.
0:49:12 > 0:49:15- How was your weekend, all right?- Yeah, it was all right.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17My mum turned 100 in the week.
0:49:17 > 0:49:19- Oh, that's lovely, ain't it? - Yeah.
0:49:19 > 0:49:20Get a letter from the Queen, did she?
0:49:20 > 0:49:22Yeah, she got a letter from the Queen with
0:49:22 > 0:49:26- an invite at Buckingham Palace. - Right.- And a plus one.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28- So I went along with her. - Oh, splendid, fine.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30We got there about midday.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32- They had this lovely spread laid out.- Right.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35And tarpaulin, cos there was a threat of rain.
0:49:35 > 0:49:36Oh, that's sensible, ain't it?
0:49:36 > 0:49:38M&S spread, you know, it was classy stuff.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40- The works, yeah.- That's it.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43- The Queen comes down about midday. - Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:49:43 > 0:49:46- Then she comes... - What's she like, the Queen?
0:49:46 > 0:49:50Well, she smells a bit, to be honest with you, Terry.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52- What of?- She's very in your face when she talks to you
0:49:52 > 0:49:55- and she does smell a bit. - What does she smell of?
0:49:55 > 0:49:57- TCP.- Oh.
0:49:58 > 0:50:01- Absolutely reeks of it.- Oh, that's not very nice, that's horrible.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04Anyway, I'm making a little bit of small chat, right?
0:50:04 > 0:50:06- Yeah, as you do. - And I make a little joke.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09I said, "I wouldn't like to have your heating bill!"
0:50:09 > 0:50:10She's cracked up.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12She goes, "Right, get your old dear,
0:50:12 > 0:50:14"I want to give you a tour of the house."
0:50:14 > 0:50:18So we're walking down all these corridors, every room's got
0:50:18 > 0:50:21a painting of someone she knows and whatever, I had no interest.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26Then she takes us into this room that she'd done up like
0:50:26 > 0:50:27a bar she'd been to in Dubai.
0:50:28 > 0:50:31- Oh, she's been to Dubai, has she? - Oh, she's been everywhere.
0:50:31 > 0:50:35She'd been to Spain, she'd been to France twice, she'd been
0:50:35 > 0:50:38to Belgium... she'd even been to the Maldives.
0:50:38 > 0:50:41Oh, lovely, has she been to the Canary Islands at all?
0:50:41 > 0:50:43She's been to the Canary Islands,
0:50:43 > 0:50:44but she didn't get off the boat.
0:50:44 > 0:50:46- Why?- Cos she was too hung over.
0:50:48 > 0:50:50She likes a drink then, does she?
0:50:50 > 0:50:52- Oh, God, yeah! Yeah, yeah. - Sounds good.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54But she's quite, she's quite sprightly.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57- Right, right.- At one point we're walking down this fire exit,
0:50:57 > 0:51:01she goes, "See that fire exit sign, you think I can touch it?"
0:51:01 > 0:51:05- Nah.- She runs along, she leaps up, she goes, whack!
0:51:05 > 0:51:07She goes, "You didn't think I could do that, did you?"
0:51:07 > 0:51:10She sounds a right big-head, Phil.
0:51:10 > 0:51:11I wouldn't say she's big-headed,
0:51:11 > 0:51:14but she definitely lets you know who she is, do you know what I mean?
0:51:14 > 0:51:16- Well, she's the Queen, ain't she?- Exactly, yeah.
0:51:16 > 0:51:20I've always been fascinated to know where she sleeps.
0:51:20 > 0:51:24Well, she said, wherever she falls!
0:51:24 > 0:51:26LAUGHTER
0:51:26 > 0:51:29She said she's got these two footmen, they come over,
0:51:29 > 0:51:32they take her bra off and they put her in a long T-shirt.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37She's the Queen, Terry! She can do what she wants!
0:51:37 > 0:51:38She can do what she bloody wants.
0:51:38 > 0:51:41She's the Queen, of course she can. So then what happened?
0:51:41 > 0:51:44So then she takes us up on the roof, gets a fag out, sparks up.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46She goes, "Right, you've got to do one."
0:51:46 > 0:51:50- Just like that?- Yeah. So I took Mum to Bella Pasta, didn't I?
0:51:50 > 0:51:51Oh, right then.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53- Come on then. - See you later.- Come on, Terry.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55- See you later, bye. - Bye-bye.
0:51:55 > 0:51:57APPLAUSE
0:52:01 > 0:52:05Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the last act of the night.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07I love these guys, you're going to love them too,
0:52:07 > 0:52:09give it up for The Noise Next Door!
0:52:18 > 0:52:20Good evening, good evening, good evening!
0:52:20 > 0:52:21We are The Noise Next Door
0:52:21 > 0:52:23and everything we do is made up on the spot.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25What we'd like to do this evening is make up
0:52:25 > 0:52:28a song for one of the ladies in the room tonight.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Can someone please point at a lady near the front, point to the lady.
0:52:30 > 0:52:33Well, this lovely lady's been pointed at. Hello, what's your name?
0:52:33 > 0:52:36- Pauline.- Ladies and gents, this is Pauline, she is our volunteer.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38Here we go, OK.
0:52:38 > 0:52:39- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:52:39 > 0:52:41Pauline, we're going to get to know her.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43What do you do for a living, Pauline?
0:52:43 > 0:52:46- I work as a PA. - Pauline works as a PA.
0:52:46 > 0:52:47What sort of company do you work for?
0:52:47 > 0:52:51- I actually work for the council. - You work for the council? Oh...
0:52:51 > 0:52:53A murmur of worry - excellent!
0:52:53 > 0:52:54LAUGHTER
0:52:54 > 0:52:56OK, Pauline works for the council as a PA.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58Do you have any hobbies outside of your work?
0:52:58 > 0:53:00What do you do for fun, Pauline?
0:53:00 > 0:53:02- Em...drink!- Drink?
0:53:04 > 0:53:07What's your favourite type of drink?
0:53:07 > 0:53:10- Wine.- Wine, she likes. She's classy, Pauline's classy, excellent.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12Is there anything you don't like, maybe a fear of yours?
0:53:14 > 0:53:15Em...heights.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Heights, a fear of heights, excellent.
0:53:17 > 0:53:18One last question -
0:53:18 > 0:53:21is there a country in the world you'd love to go to one day?
0:53:21 > 0:53:23- Some country you'd like to visit. - India.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26India, amazing. This is lovely Pauline,
0:53:26 > 0:53:28she is a PA for the council,
0:53:28 > 0:53:32she enjoys drinking wine, she does not enjoy heights
0:53:32 > 0:53:34and one day she would like to go to India.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37Ladies and gents, this is Pauline, and Pauline,
0:53:37 > 0:53:39this is your very own...
0:53:39 > 0:53:41THEATRICALLY: ..boy band love song!
0:53:41 > 0:53:47# Hey, yeah, yeah, come on now, Pauline,
0:53:47 > 0:53:49# Ooh, yeah, yeah...
0:53:49 > 0:53:53# Well, you work for the council those are the facts
0:53:53 > 0:53:58# Well, any time you want, Pauline, please lower the tax
0:53:58 > 0:54:01# You are a PA, I don't want to sound negative
0:54:01 > 0:54:05# Well, PA when it comes to you sounds like perfectly attractive.
0:54:05 > 0:54:09- # Heights that make her frown - Ooh, yeah you know it's true!
0:54:09 > 0:54:13- # So she's good at going down - My guy's in love with you
0:54:13 > 0:54:16ALL: # Its heights that make her frown
0:54:16 > 0:54:18# So she's really good at go-ing down... #
0:54:18 > 0:54:20LAUGHTER
0:54:20 > 0:54:23# Oh, Pauline, oh, yes, so you want more
0:54:23 > 0:54:27# I know she's keen because we just did it on the floor
0:54:27 > 0:54:31# Yes, you like drinking wine, oh, you just like a splash
0:54:31 > 0:54:35# Maybe later tonight I'm going to taste your pink Grenache
0:54:35 > 0:54:39# We could go, if you want to go far, so I'll take you to Indi-ya
0:54:39 > 0:54:41# I've got a little tip that will come in handy
0:54:41 > 0:54:43# I'll be your very own Mahatma Gandhi!
0:54:43 > 0:54:45# Yeah, that's right, you know it's true
0:54:45 > 0:54:47# Going to hang out in Delhi with you.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49# Oh, Pauline, you drive me crazy
0:54:49 > 0:54:52# Because you're hotter than a damn jalfrezi!
0:54:52 > 0:54:54ALL: # Its heights that make her frown.
0:54:54 > 0:54:59- # So she's good at going down - I just hope there's no diarrhoea
0:54:59 > 0:55:02# Its heights that make her frown
0:55:02 > 0:55:05- # So she's good at going down - Going down, going down... #
0:55:06 > 0:55:08HE MOANS
0:55:08 > 0:55:12# You're sat next to your boyfriend, it's true
0:55:12 > 0:55:15# Well, don't worry, girl, we'll do him too
0:55:16 > 0:55:17# When he's around
0:55:17 > 0:55:20# Strap in for the key change, yeah
0:55:20 > 0:55:23ALL: # The key change, yeahhhh
0:55:23 > 0:55:25# Its heights that make her frown
0:55:25 > 0:55:28# We'll drink some wine till you get squiffy
0:55:28 > 0:55:30# So she's good at going down
0:55:31 > 0:55:35- # Its heights that make her frown - You know that you improve with age
0:55:35 > 0:55:37# So she's good at going down.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39# We'll have a drink whilst we're on stage
0:55:39 > 0:55:41# Its heights that make her...
0:55:41 > 0:55:43# Frown
0:55:43 > 0:55:46# So she's good at going... #
0:55:46 > 0:55:48She's really, really good at it.
0:55:50 > 0:55:55# Going down. #
0:55:55 > 0:55:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:59 > 0:56:02That was for Pauline, ladies and gentlemen!
0:56:02 > 0:56:04Thank you so much, we've been The Noise Next Door!
0:56:04 > 0:56:05Thank you.
0:56:10 > 0:56:12- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:56:12 > 0:56:14The Noise Next Door!
0:56:17 > 0:56:20This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22I've been Seann Walsh. Good night!
0:56:23 > 0:56:25CHEERING