0:00:03 > 0:00:06- I didn't know you'd invited her. - I brought her for you.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Aw, and I didn't get you anything.
0:00:09 > 0:00:14It just seemed like you guys were really hitting it off, so I thought I'd give you guys some space.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16You know, away from...
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Why am I even worrying about this? I completely trust him.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21The question is do you trust HER?
0:00:21 > 0:00:26You are a brilliant, brilliant writer.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I can't believe I get to work with you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34& SOME SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE
0:00:34 > 0:00:38MORNING GROANS IN PLEASURE
0:00:40 > 0:00:43MORNING CONTINUES TO GROAN
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- She hates me.- Who?
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Nah. She's just hating me.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- You're getting like, the overflow. - You think?- Yeah.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm really the star of her hate.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You're at best...co-hated.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57SHE SIGHS
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Trying to kill her with your mind?
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Mm-hm. For some reason it's not working.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- Oh, my god. Now she's got whatshername from the network hating me.- Who?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, her.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- Are they still staring? Don't! Don't look! - You're a fucking lunatic.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19How many diet pills did you take today?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- I don't take diet pills.- OK...
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Last night...
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Last night I saw Sean wanking to a porn video of her.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Oh, Jesus! Is that thing still online?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- You know about it?- Are you kidding?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Merc used to make us watch it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- It "helped" him.- Ew.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47So, what'd he say when you caught him?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48He didn't see me.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Oh, God, I remember that video.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55She has the most amazing abs.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I don't know how she does it.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01I do a bajillion crunches a day and I still look like a "before" picture.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04You really can't not talk about you, can you?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- I know. It's a problem.- Hello.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- I hear you two stoners made quite a night of it last night.- Erm.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16For the record, that is not something I make a habit of.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19You had pre-rolled joints in your bag.
0:03:19 > 0:03:25Yeah, well, I also have tampons in my bag, but I only use them once a month. What?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27He likes to pretend that doesn't happen.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- That's not true. - Ah! "Menstrual flow".- Eugh...
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Wait, wait, wait. You guys have a hiatus day tomorrow, right?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Thank God. - Free for lunch?- Aw, that'd be fun.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Not with me, with Merc.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- That would be less fun.- Ooh, come on.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46You'll shmooze, you'll talk about the show.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48You'll tell him how great it's going.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Is there a problem?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Mm. Not a problem, per se...
0:03:53 > 0:03:55The way you say "per se", it's like...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"It's not a tumour, per se."
0:03:58 > 0:04:01There's a chance Merc may have cooled on the show a little bit.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03What?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Five days ago he was over the moon.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08That was FIVE days ago.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12We're shooting a lot of pilots now. Bright, shiny new things.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17I just think if you have lunch it'll give him a chance to remember how crazy he is about the two of you.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Seriously? - Merc's just one of those guys...
0:04:20 > 0:04:25sometimes he needs to be reminded of the people he loves.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Back on you?- Oh, so what?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Hi.- Hey, what are you doing here?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- How did you get past the guard at the gate?- I waved.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Of course you did.- Is Beverly home?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Why?- I need to talk to her.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I couldn't sleep last night.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I feel like for some reason she hates me.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55HE CHUCKLES
0:04:55 > 0:04:57She doesn't hate you.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Honey, don't bullshit a bullshitter. - All right, look.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02She doesn't hate you, per se.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04She's just...a little jealous.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Jealous of what?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08She has these...
0:05:08 > 0:05:13ridiculous concerns that there might be a certain...
0:05:13 > 0:05:15attraction between us.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Why?- I don't know.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19She sees us together on set.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- Doing what?- Nothing! That's what I told her. - I'll talk to her.- But also!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I may not have helped the situation by telling her about our little,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29uh, moment the other night.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Are you being funny? I can't tell when you're being funny. What moment?
0:05:33 > 0:05:38At the charity thing when you asked me to drive you home.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39That wasn't a moment.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It was a bit of moment.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- No. Not a moment.- Mmmm...
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- I asked you to drive me home because I had too much to drink.- OK(!)
0:05:47 > 0:05:52Hey! Smuggy! I wasn't asking you to "drive me home" drive me home!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I have a boyfriend. We live together.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- You do?- Uh, yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Even if I was looking for something else, it wouldn't be with my executive producer.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- You don't shit where you eat. - What about toilets in restaurants?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- You really can't tell when I'm being funny.- No.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Wait! This is a bad, bad idea. First of all, you'll be waking her and then she'll definitely hate you.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14A better plan might be, we let this go.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16No. You've got to talk about stuff.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20You see, here we have a significant cultural divide.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Our people don't believe in talking about stuff.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26We prefer suppressing the stuff and letting it fester.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's kind of our "thing".
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Listen, I know my wife. However well you imagine this conversation will go, it will only make things worse.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47We've got one more day of shooting. Let's get on with it and everyone can calm down.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- I don't want to lose my job. - You won't lose your job.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- I'll see to that. I promise.- OK.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Thank you.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04And that was also not a...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Not a moment.- Not a moment.- No, no.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14What you doing?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Bev, what you doing? Stop.- No.- Please.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21No! I'm going home. You stay.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23You're obviously flourishing here.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Is this because I went surfing today?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27OK, obviously it's not because I went surfing.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Bev, come on, talk to me.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Bev, Bev! Look. I realise LA hasn't exactly been your favourite...
0:07:33 > 0:07:36This...isn't...about...LA.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Bev, come on!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- 'Front door ajar.'- Wait!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Is it about the show? It's one more day of shooting.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- A week in post.- Move.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48'Front door aj...'
0:07:48 > 0:07:52One week. Then the work'll be done and we can both leave together with our heads held high.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Heads held high? Have you not seen our heads?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It's all we can do to not kick them when we walk!
0:07:57 > 0:08:02- All right, we've made some compromises. - This isn't about the fucking show!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- 'Front door ajar.' - Well, then, what is it about?
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- 'Front door ajar.'- Does this bitch ever shut up?- 'Front door ajar.'
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- You know what this is about.- What?
0:08:12 > 0:08:18Morning? Oh, my god, look I'm telling you, I have no interest in her at all.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I saw you wanking to her the other night.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25What? I, I, no...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- "What?" "Who did?" "How did?" "Agh!" - How did...? I, I, I, I...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30'Front door ajar.'
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- < LEAF BLOWER RUMBLES - All right, there may have been a little wanking!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- But there is nothing between us! - I just saw you with her!- What?
0:08:37 > 0:08:42I saw you with her! Now! I saw you hugging her in front of our house!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43- She wasn't here to... - BLOWER RUMBLES
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- She... There was... She wanted to... - VOICE DROWNED BY BLOWER
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Ernesto! ERNESTO!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- What?- Please turn that off!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54BLOWER TURNS OFF
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- I'm sorry, did you want me?- I want you to turn off the leaf blower.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- I did.- Yeah, now. But before... - ENGINE STARTS
0:09:00 > 0:09:03TYRES SCREECH
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Hey, Bev... no, Bev wait!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Bev! Stop! You're on the wrong side!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11No, Sean, YOU'RE on the wrong side!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14That's not what I meant!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25'Automated dialling.'
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Call Bob.- 'Command.'
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Call Bob!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31'Dialing...Mom.'
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- No! Not Mom! Bob! - PHONE DIALS
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Cancel. Cancel! Stop!- 'Hello?'
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Hey, Ma, it's Matt...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Nothing, just calling to say hi.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49TYRES SCREECH
0:09:53 > 0:09:58SHE PANTS DEEPLY
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Ah... Ah...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Ooh.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Oh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Oh, come on! You!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Wha... What are you doing here?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Uh, it was my car that got in your way.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- What?- I was coming to pick up Sean to go dirt biking.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Oh, Jesus...
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Are you OK? Are you hurt?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I, I don't think so.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Anything feel broken?- No...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Why don't you try getting out of the car?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Easy now. Easy now.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48How's that feel?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50All right, I think.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Are you sure? Your neck?- Erm...
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Your back? Feel your hands.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- Yeah, I think I'm OK.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01OK. Good.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Then... WHO THE FUCK DRIVES LIKE THAT?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You weren't even a little over the line!
0:11:07 > 0:11:13You were right there, all the way over on my side, a whole fucking car full of stupid!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I, I must have confused my countries...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Seriously?- Well, Sean does most of the driving...
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Oh, really? Is that how you keep your death count so low?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I'm sorry!
0:11:25 > 0:11:26PHONE RINGS
0:11:28 > 0:11:30It's Sean.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- So?- I'm not speaking to him. - Maybe really teach him a lesson,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35take him for a drive.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Christ.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Sorry.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41MATT'S PHONE RINGS
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Sean.- Don't...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Hello.- Matt, it's Sean.- 'Hey.'
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Erm, I'm sorry, I know you're probably already on your way here.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- But I have to cancel. - Oh, yeah? What's happening?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- Bev and I had a bit of a fight. - 'You're kidding?'
0:11:56 > 0:11:58She's usually so fun and easy going(!)
0:11:58 > 0:12:01'No, this is bad. This is really bad.'
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- She packed a bag and took off. - 'Shit.'
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- You don't know where she is? - 'On her way back to London, I think.'
0:12:06 > 0:12:08She's not answering her phone.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10All right, erm.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Let me know what happens and we'll talk later.- OK.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Thank you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- TOUR GUIDE:- And just up ahead we have the home of Bridget Jones herself, Miss Rene Zelweger.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Whoah, whoah, whoah!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24You guys are in luck today. Take a look on your left. It's TV's Joey,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Matt LeBlanc! Hey, Matt!
0:12:28 > 0:12:29"How you doin'?"
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- How you doin'!- Smile!
0:12:32 > 0:12:33HE LAUGHS
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Not so good. - Ouch. Loving the grey hair.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Very distinguished.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- Thanks.- So, when's that Friends reunion going to happen huh?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Not today.- How 'bout you?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You ever going to work again?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Soon.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Your friend anybody?- No.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54All right, we got to get going. See ya, Matt!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Matt LeBlanc, everybody.- Bye!
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Bye-bye now!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- That was unpleasant. - Yeah, I got to get out of here.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Don't we have to call the police or...- No, I'll call my assistant.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08She'll take care of every... Jesus!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- What?- You're bleeding!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Oh.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Hi Bev. It's me...again.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19I don't know where you are. Maybe on a plane already, I don't know.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24I'm about to have that bloody lunch with Merc to try and save our stupid show,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26although right now I have no idea why.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30But please, please, when you get this, please call me.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33There is nothing between me and Morning.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Except of course for...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37the wanking. I'm not very proud of that.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41But other than some garden variety masturbation, there's...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43What, what you don't do that here?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Ow! That hurts!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Oh, it's just a little scrape. Don't be such a baby.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'm not a baby. I just had a car crash.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06No, you caused a car crash.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08It's not even bleeding any more.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10There. Done.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Thank you.- You want a drink? - It's not even noon.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15You just had a car crash.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Whiskey, please, straight.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18There you go.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23ICE JINGLES
0:14:25 > 0:14:27You have a lovely home.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Thanks.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32SHE CHUCKLES
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- You have taste. - Don't sound so shocked.- Well...
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Yeah, uh, Sean said something about you going back to London?
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Right. That's where I was heading when you came at me with your proper driving skills.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48That sucks. We're not even done shooting, and you're taking off?
0:14:48 > 0:14:53I'm sorry. I realise it's not very professional. But the show can't get any worse without me.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- What are you talking about? The show's good.- Uh...no.- What?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- It's not good.- It's good.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And yet...it's not.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Shut up.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05All right.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- What's not good about it? - It's not funny enough.
0:15:14 > 0:15:20It's not smart enough. There's nothing unique or special. It's just...profoundly mediocre.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23You're talking about OUR show?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24I know, it's shocking(!)
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Something called "Pucks!" isn't good.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Yeah, well, that's your opinion. - Not just mine.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Sean's having lunch with Merc right now to try and salvage the thing. Which I doubt he'll be able to do.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Are you serious?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43God, it's really not good?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's really not.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I thought I was clear.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52How did this happen? Huh? When you did it over there it was great.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You're actually asking me that?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57You might want to call a cleaning company
0:15:57 > 0:16:02cos there could be a lot of bits about WHEN MY HEAD EXPLODES!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Why?- Wh... Why?
0:16:04 > 0:16:11The show we did over there was about a witty, urbane headmaster hopelessly in love with a middle-aged lesbian.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15This show is pretty much Joey as a hockey coach exchanging banter
0:16:15 > 0:16:18with a little hottie we all know he'll eventually get into the sack.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Not precisely...
0:16:22 > 0:16:23the same show!
0:16:23 > 0:16:30- Yeah, well, you know, if you didn't like it that way, then you shouldn't have done it!- Again...
0:16:30 > 0:16:31What?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Shouldn't have done it?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34As if we ever had a choice!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38You are an unstoppable force! This is the show you wanted!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41You made him a hockey coach. You made her straight.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Every shitty change we've had to make is because of you!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Oh, yes, my friend,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51you caused this car wreck!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Me again. I don't know why.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Unless you're waiting for a certain number of calls.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"Right. 31. Think I'll pick up now."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11All right, he's here.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16I swear to God, he's hugging a waiter.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Here he comes. Got to go.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Please, sir, I want some more.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Ah, Little Oliver. Wouldn't be lunch without him.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Where's m'lady?
0:17:27 > 0:17:32Er, m'lady has been throwing up all morning. Stomach flu.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Yeah she wanted to come, but...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37So talk to me. How's it going?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41The show's going very well. Bev and I can't wait for you to see it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- I don't want to oversell it, but I think you'll be rather pleased. - Well, that's great.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51The stuff between Matt and the boys is extraordinary.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56And I have to say, you were so right to champion the idea of him being a hockey coach.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Really? That's working?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, absolutely, yeah.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Matt's found a lot of physical humour.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05He really is genius.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Well, I don't have to tell you that, it was your idea to cast him.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Can you see him playing a con man?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15What?
0:18:15 > 0:18:20A con man. In like a one-hour kind of a light comedy drama?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Uh...- He'd be good, right?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- As good as Stamos? - John Stamos from ER?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He's better than Stamos, right?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Yeah, I suppose... Well he's very good on our show. May I ask why...
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Hang on a sec. Come here, you talented fuck!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Hey man, how you doing, good to see ya. Did you get the part? - Yeah, I did.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40You did? What did I tell you?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43WAVES CRASH
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I really needed this one to work.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I know.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Is it too late to fix it?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- We could go back to the original script.- Yeah?- And re-cast.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You're mean.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I am mean.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09What do I do now?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13You'll find something else.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20They sent me this script about a con man.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It's a total piece of crap.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It's like, why would I want to do that
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- when we're doing our own piece of crap already? - SHE LAUGHS
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Yeah, you laugh. Least you get to go home after this.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I don't have any other countries.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Right. The question is,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41what am I going back to?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44And will I be married when I'm there?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46What are you talking about?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I know about Sean and Morning.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Sean's not doing... - Don't even bother.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I know you're on his side. I can't believe anything you say.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59All righty.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06You know, of all the horrible things I imagined about doing a TV show here,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I never saw this one coming.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Yeah, it's a fun town.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- And you just know I'm going to come off as the villain.- You? Why?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20I don't know. Somehow. Cos it's Sean, and he's wonderful and charming, and everyone loves him.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23So I always come off like the bitch.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Maybe you are a bitch.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30HE SNIGGERS
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'd like to think I just have integrity.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Yeah. That's why people always say,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"She's such a fucking woman with integrity!"
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Do people really call me a bitch?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Nah.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Probably just me.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Fucking feta cheese. Suddenly it's everywhere. You know what I mean?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Enough with the feta!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Yes, I suppose it is one of your more...
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- ubiquitous cheeses.- Hmm.- What?
0:21:07 > 0:21:12- My wife just walked in. - What? Oh. Do you want to go over?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- Nah, I saw her this morning. - You don't want to at least say hello?- Nah.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18If I don't talk too loud, she'll never know I'm here.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- It's one of the perks.- Ah.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Hey speaking of wives,
0:21:23 > 0:21:29does yours know about the thing with you and Morning Randolph?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30What?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33HE LAUGHS The thing with you and Morning.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Me and? No, where, where, where did you hear that?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Wha? Wha? Wha? Wha?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42HE WHISTLES A little birdie told me.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- Who are the Lincolns? - Put down the fucking BlackBerry.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50It's down. Who are the Lincolns?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Sean and Beverly? The English couple?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- And I'm having lunch with them why? - You like them.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I like their accents.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It'll be nice. They're interesting.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05Tell me one thing that's interesting about them and I'll have lunch with them.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08He may be screwing Morning Randolph.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Hm. Maybe we'll go to Vincenti.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Ooh, slow down, I'm close.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I assure you, there is nothing, nothing going on between me and Morning.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Hey, I wouldn't blame you if there was.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I've been to that rodeo, let me tell you, that bronco can buck.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- What, you and Morning? - Oh, yeah. Years ago. She still had her real tits.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Man, do I remember it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32You've seen her video, right?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Yeah, yeah, I believe I have.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Well, in person... Oh. My. God.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41She does stuff...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43My dick was sending me thank you notes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48- "Me and the balls just want to say muchas gracias."- So they're Spanish.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52But can I give you a little advice? I can't tell you how to write.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- I couldn't even tell you what makes a TV show work.- Good to know. - But I can tell you this.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- This thing with Morning? Don't do it. - Oh, I have no intention of doing it.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Yeah, yeah. Listen to me.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- It's not worth it. What you have with...- Beverly.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I know.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11What you have with Beverly is so precious and so rare.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It's like what I have with that amazing woman over there.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It'd be so easy to cheat on her.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Well, obviously.- Right.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22But I would never do it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- O-K...- You and me,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27we're the last of the good guys.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29We got to stay strong.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30We owe it to ourselves.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35And we owe it to those remarkable, beautiful women.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37But you don't want to go over and say hello.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Eh, I'll see her at home.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Have you ever been cheated on?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Mmm... No.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Well, that seems massively unfair.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Well, I'm usually the one doing the...doing.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Is it the gigantic dick?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Does it demand more than one woman?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I assume you don't want to make it cross.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10Our marriage counsellor said I have a need to sabotage my happiness,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12but I like your dick thing better.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I think you just like your dick thing.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I still can't believe you took it out and showed it to my husband.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- Who does that?- I want to say, not guys with little dicks?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Well, he was traumatised.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31He had nightmares about enormous dachshunds and rogue bananas.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33HE LAUGHS
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Serves him right, the bastard.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36How could he do this to me?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I know. Men(!)
0:24:38 > 0:24:43No, I'm actually asking you. How could he do it? I don't understand.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47You might know. You're the expert. Did you love your wife?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Yeah. I loved her.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57So?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00How could you just chuck that away? What were you thinking?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Um... I wasn't?
0:25:02 > 0:25:08The shrink also said I have an inability to appreciate the consequences of my actions.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- You're just a mess, aren't you? - Oh, yeah.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Well, you should be proud.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20You taught my husband well.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23How much of this was your doing?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27How much of what was my doing?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29No, I'm just thinking.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33The night you went to that rape thing, you had two extra tickets.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36But you took Sean and her, not me.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39What were you up to there?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I don't know...
0:25:43 > 0:25:48- Ow! I guess I liked her better. She didn't kick me.- Bollocks.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51What the hell were you trying to do?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Hey! OK!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I just wanted him to have a little fun.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Aw, that was back when I didn't think you were fun.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04You bloody prick! You set them up!
0:26:04 > 0:26:09- Let go!- OK, if you promise to stop kicking me.- I promise.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18- You are responsible for every terrible thing that has happened to me since I got here.- Stop that!
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- You destroyed my show, you destroyed my marriage... - All right, OK.- Ow! Ah!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25OK, you want to let it out? Fine, let it out. Yeah, let it out1
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Ow! OK stop letting it out.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Enough, letting it out!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Ow! No! SHE PANTS
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Is that a...?
0:26:40 > 0:26:41No.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- Yes, it is! I can feel it! - Maybe a semi.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46That's just a semi?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I'm horrified on so many levels.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53And on the other levels?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- You're disgusting.- Sure.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03If you want me to stop,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06say stop.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Stop.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Oh, my God,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- that really- was- just a semi.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:57 > 0:28:01E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk