Episode 1

Download Subtitles

Transcript

0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language

0:00:08 > 0:00:10- I want your show on my network. - What, us come to LA?

0:00:10 > 0:00:12Let's talk about casting.

0:00:12 > 0:00:15Well, we already have Julian committed to recreate the role of Lyman.

0:00:15 > 0:00:17We got Matt LeBlanc!

0:00:17 > 0:00:18ALL: Yeah!

0:00:18 > 0:00:21You want me for the old fat guy's part? Thanks(!)

0:00:21 > 0:00:23- WE don't want you. - Again, thanks(!)

0:00:23 > 0:00:26Matt's been telling me about the changes for his character.

0:00:26 > 0:00:28I love that he's a coach. We can call it Pucks!

0:00:28 > 0:00:30Did I mention I hate this show?

0:00:30 > 0:00:32I believe it's come up.

0:00:32 > 0:00:37You're much more attractive than she is. You are. She's all plastic.

0:00:37 > 0:00:39Those boobs...

0:00:39 > 0:00:41Yuk.

0:00:41 > 0:00:45You are a brilliant, brilliant writer.

0:00:45 > 0:00:47You know what this is about!

0:00:47 > 0:00:49Morning? Oh, my God!

0:00:49 > 0:00:51Look, I have no interest in her at all!

0:00:51 > 0:00:54Bev, stop! You're on the wrong side!

0:00:54 > 0:00:56No, Sean, YOU'RE on the wrong side!

0:00:56 > 0:00:58That's not what I meant!

0:01:04 > 0:01:05Did you shag my wife?

0:01:05 > 0:01:09She totally started it, OK. She was driving on the wrong side of the street.

0:01:09 > 0:01:11So you fucked her?!

0:01:11 > 0:01:12THEY YELL

0:01:14 > 0:01:17The thought that I was with him physically disgusts me.

0:01:17 > 0:01:19- I'm actually nauseated, it makes me want to vomit.- All right!

0:01:19 > 0:01:23Not to get too melodramatic, but I think...

0:01:23 > 0:01:24you've broken my heart.

0:01:24 > 0:01:26'We're a hit!'

0:01:26 > 0:01:28What?

0:01:28 > 0:01:31- The test audiences loved Pucks! - What are you saying?

0:01:31 > 0:01:35I'm saying unpack those bloody bags, you've got some telly to make!

0:01:37 > 0:01:39Woo hoo!

0:02:27 > 0:02:28C'mon, what's going on?

0:02:28 > 0:02:30Nothing, I'm fine.

0:02:30 > 0:02:33Hey, listen, I'm not just your coach, I'm also your friend.

0:02:33 > 0:02:35His dads are getting separated.

0:02:35 > 0:02:39- The gay dads?- Right(!) Not his two straight dads.

0:02:41 > 0:02:42OK...

0:02:42 > 0:02:46One of my dads had an affair with a woman and now he's saying he's bi.

0:02:46 > 0:02:48But my other dad says it's just a mid-life crisis.

0:02:48 > 0:02:54Oh, and the woman he had the affair with is the surrogate whose egg they used to make...me.

0:02:54 > 0:02:56Thoughts, Coach?

0:03:06 > 0:03:07< Cut!

0:03:07 > 0:03:09BELL RINGS

0:03:11 > 0:03:14Nice work today, everyone.

0:03:14 > 0:03:16Check the gate.

0:03:18 > 0:03:19Not bad.

0:03:19 > 0:03:22- I think that worked.- The new boys are pretty good.- Hmm...

0:03:22 > 0:03:25- What?- The one with the hair.

0:03:25 > 0:03:26Stoke.

0:03:26 > 0:03:29Stoke! What kind of a parent names their child Stoke?

0:03:29 > 0:03:31I know.

0:03:31 > 0:03:35It's like saying you'd better be attractive, or it's all going to be ironic from here on in.

0:03:35 > 0:03:38Well, as an actor, he's lucky he's cute.

0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Wait. Go like this... - God, you've got a lot of teeth.

0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Right there.- What? - You've got a thing.

0:03:45 > 0:03:48Hmm, poppy seed. Must be from my bagel this morning.

0:03:48 > 0:03:51So that's been there all day, why didn't you tell me?!

0:03:51 > 0:03:54- I just told you.- Yeah, now, after everyone's already seen it!

0:03:54 > 0:03:56OK, put it back!

0:03:58 > 0:03:59- Night.- Night.

0:03:59 > 0:04:00- Good job today.- Thank you.

0:04:00 > 0:04:01Yeah, nice work.

0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Nice underpants.- Thanks.

0:04:08 > 0:04:11Hey, do you guys ever drink coffee?

0:04:11 > 0:04:13Cos this company sent me, like, a dozen free coffee makers.

0:04:13 > 0:04:14Why?

0:04:14 > 0:04:17I don't know. Who cares? They're free, you want one?

0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Oh, I'm all right. - No thanks.- Thank you.

0:04:19 > 0:04:21- So today went well? - Absolutely.

0:04:21 > 0:04:24- You guys are happy?- Very.- Night.

0:04:25 > 0:04:27Night.

0:04:27 > 0:04:29- I'll take a coffee maker. - Did I ask you?

0:04:36 > 0:04:38What are you thinking about for tonight?

0:04:38 > 0:04:41I thought I'd have another go at that third scene.

0:04:41 > 0:04:44Well, if you want to run it by me, I'll be home.

0:04:44 > 0:04:45Flossing.

0:04:45 > 0:04:47Right, well, have a nice night.

0:04:47 > 0:04:50You too. See you tomorrow.

0:05:06 > 0:05:08DOORBELL RINGS

0:05:12 > 0:05:13Hey!

0:05:13 > 0:05:15You all right?

0:05:15 > 0:05:16I'm great.

0:05:16 > 0:05:18Don't look great.

0:05:20 > 0:05:23Merc and I went ring shopping.

0:05:23 > 0:05:24Oh my God!

0:05:24 > 0:05:25For his wife.

0:05:27 > 0:05:30He took you ring shopping for his wife?!

0:05:30 > 0:05:31Mm-hm.

0:05:31 > 0:05:33That sounds cruel, even for him.

0:05:33 > 0:05:37It's their anniversary, and he knows he has terrible taste,

0:05:37 > 0:05:40so he wanted me along to help him buy something pretty.

0:05:40 > 0:05:42Oh, honey...

0:05:42 > 0:05:44He's so good to her.

0:05:44 > 0:05:46Well...

0:05:48 > 0:05:51I found this really gorgeous ring.

0:05:51 > 0:05:54And all the time I'm thinking, "The woman is blind!

0:05:54 > 0:05:59"Buy ME a fucking ring and give her one of her old ones!

0:05:59 > 0:06:00"How will she know?!"

0:06:00 > 0:06:03And then I feel guilty for thinking that, like,

0:06:03 > 0:06:06"Oh, I am this terrible person."

0:06:07 > 0:06:11Really? We're gonna pull at THAT thread?

0:06:11 > 0:06:14- Sorry.- No, I'M sorry.

0:06:14 > 0:06:16Tonight's supposed to be about you.

0:06:16 > 0:06:18OK, OK.

0:06:18 > 0:06:21I'm here now.

0:06:21 > 0:06:23I'm great! Let's celebrate.

0:06:23 > 0:06:26Here is to Pucks!

0:06:26 > 0:06:30- Big premiere tomorrow night. Woo-hoo. - Woo-hoo.

0:06:33 > 0:06:35I've got to read a script later.

0:06:35 > 0:06:36Want to make it hilarious?

0:06:36 > 0:06:38SHE CHUCKLES

0:06:41 > 0:06:42Ooh, what's this?

0:06:42 > 0:06:44It's for Sean...

0:06:44 > 0:06:47And now you're thinking everyone's getting presents but you.

0:06:47 > 0:06:50I didn't say it out loud.

0:06:50 > 0:06:54It's his birthday. Our first one apart.

0:06:56 > 0:06:59So, that'll be fun(!)

0:06:59 > 0:07:00Aah. What d'you get him?

0:07:00 > 0:07:04A watch. It's a vintage Breitling he's always wanted.

0:07:04 > 0:07:06So he'll love that.

0:07:06 > 0:07:10Or, he'll think it's way over the top and I'll come off as desperate and needy.

0:07:10 > 0:07:12Or that.

0:07:12 > 0:07:15I hate this. This is my husband!

0:07:15 > 0:07:20Now it's like he's some boy who may or may not still like me.

0:07:22 > 0:07:25Oh, fuck it!

0:07:25 > 0:07:26Speaking from my own relationships,

0:07:26 > 0:07:29a little "needy" isn't always a bad thing.

0:07:29 > 0:07:34- Really?- I mean even though you might come off as kind of pathetic,

0:07:34 > 0:07:36on a deeper level,

0:07:36 > 0:07:40by being able to judge you, it allows him to feel empowered,

0:07:40 > 0:07:45and a lot of men need that. So, it makes them love you more.

0:07:45 > 0:07:49So basically, if I'm ever feeling like the craziest person on the planet,

0:07:49 > 0:07:50I should just have dinner with you.

0:07:50 > 0:07:53That's what I'm here for.

0:07:53 > 0:07:55THEY CHUCKLE

0:08:00 > 0:08:03We're not even on the air yet and they're fucking killing us!

0:08:03 > 0:08:05There's not one good one.

0:08:05 > 0:08:06So stop reading them.

0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Jesus!- What?- The New York Post -

0:08:08 > 0:08:10"Pucks! Sucks!"

0:08:10 > 0:08:13Well, we just handed him that one.

0:08:13 > 0:08:15What, that's the headline? "Pucks! Sucks!"?

0:08:15 > 0:08:17Right. Then he goes on to say we're not clever.

0:08:17 > 0:08:20Please. Stop. Do not do this to yourself.

0:08:20 > 0:08:23Entertainment Weekly - "LeBlanc shoots a Le Blank."

0:08:23 > 0:08:27Well, at least someone gave it some thought.

0:08:27 > 0:08:31"It's hard to imagine how this show lasted four seasons in the UK."

0:08:31 > 0:08:34Because it wasn't this show, arsehole!

0:08:34 > 0:08:36Did you want me?

0:08:37 > 0:08:39What?

0:08:39 > 0:08:40No.

0:08:40 > 0:08:42OK.

0:08:42 > 0:08:45Oh wait, wait, here we go. Huffington Post.

0:08:45 > 0:08:48"I was totally prepared to hate tonight's new comedy Pucks!

0:08:48 > 0:08:51"Well the good news is, I was prepared."

0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh.

0:08:54 > 0:08:55Why do they hate us?

0:08:55 > 0:08:57Because they're idiots!

0:08:58 > 0:09:00No!

0:09:00 > 0:09:03So much rage. Why? It's just a little TV show.

0:09:03 > 0:09:06It's not like we're punching Elmo, it's just a show!

0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Thank you!- It's light, it's funny. - Absolutely.

0:09:08 > 0:09:13- I mean, it's not brilliant... - No.- But is it "an exhausting rehash of '90s sitcom cliches

0:09:13 > 0:09:17"with Matt LeBlanc digging into his old bag of tricks and coming up short"?

0:09:21 > 0:09:22Hmmm.

0:09:22 > 0:09:23Why d'you have to read that one?

0:09:23 > 0:09:26It's like they can see into our souls.

0:09:26 > 0:09:27I know.

0:09:28 > 0:09:33Maybe we are "an uninspired placeholder until something actually funny comes along."

0:09:33 > 0:09:35You've started memorising them?

0:09:35 > 0:09:37Only the really, really bad ones.

0:09:37 > 0:09:39Why did we do this?

0:09:40 > 0:09:42Why didn't we just stay at home?

0:09:47 > 0:09:51Right. Well, we should get to the writers' room.

0:09:51 > 0:09:52Absolutely. Let's do it.

0:09:52 > 0:09:55Probably best not telling anyone else about the reviews.

0:09:55 > 0:09:58Right, because we're the only ones with the magic box.

0:10:12 > 0:10:15Oooh! I see this guy's got you working the concessions stand.

0:10:15 > 0:10:18She's great. Just don't ask her to make change.

0:10:18 > 0:10:20Here you go.

0:10:20 > 0:10:21Thanks.

0:10:21 > 0:10:25Hi, kids. Big night. Very exciting!

0:10:26 > 0:10:28Hello, you!

0:10:28 > 0:10:29Popcorn?

0:10:29 > 0:10:31Absolutely.

0:10:31 > 0:10:32Butter?

0:10:33 > 0:10:35Sure.

0:10:37 > 0:10:41THEY MOUTH AT EACH OTHER

0:10:44 > 0:10:46Here you go.

0:10:46 > 0:10:50Yum. So, I saw your name in the paper today.

0:10:50 > 0:10:52For that big "save the bees" thing?

0:10:52 > 0:10:53Oh, it's so important.

0:10:53 > 0:10:58In the last five years the worldwide honeybee population has just been decimated.

0:10:58 > 0:11:02And people don't realise how essential they are for pollinating our fruits and vegetables.

0:11:02 > 0:11:06And now 50 per cent of the hives are gone.

0:11:06 > 0:11:09- It's called "colony collapse disorder."- Stop it!

0:11:11 > 0:11:13Well, hopefully we can.

0:11:13 > 0:11:14Yes.

0:11:15 > 0:11:17Hey!

0:11:17 > 0:11:18Our star has arrived.

0:11:18 > 0:11:21Hello Matt. Popcorn?

0:11:21 > 0:11:24Sure. And by the way, thanks so much, you guys, for doing this.

0:11:24 > 0:11:26Very cool.

0:11:26 > 0:11:30Are you kidding? How could I not? Come on, Matt LeBlanc's first show since Friends?

0:11:31 > 0:11:33OK...

0:11:33 > 0:11:35Hey, come and see my new set-up.

0:11:37 > 0:11:40Just so you know, this is huge.

0:11:40 > 0:11:43He's never screened a show at his house before.

0:11:43 > 0:11:45That's how much he believes in this.

0:11:45 > 0:11:48Maybe we should all... lower our expectations a bit.

0:11:48 > 0:11:51I mean, have you read the reviews?

0:11:51 > 0:11:56Oh, please! No one cares about TV reviews.

0:11:56 > 0:12:00They hated most of the crap we've got on the air and people still watch it.

0:12:00 > 0:12:01Oh to be that crap.

0:12:03 > 0:12:05Curtain going up. Grab a seat.

0:12:05 > 0:12:11'Sometimes you score and sometimes life just Pucks!

0:12:11 > 0:12:15'Matt LeBlanc returns in the hilarious premiere of Pucks! Next.'

0:12:15 > 0:12:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:12:25 > 0:12:26I need a book.

0:12:26 > 0:12:29Er, can you be less specific?!

0:12:30 > 0:12:33I don't know, I'm looking for something with pages...

0:12:33 > 0:12:34OK, fine, I don't need a book.

0:12:34 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER

0:12:36 > 0:12:38'Hey, I read books.'

0:12:38 > 0:12:42'You do realise that the swimsuit issue of a sports magazine doesn't count as a book?'

0:12:42 > 0:12:45'Oh, so now you get to decide what's a book?

0:12:45 > 0:12:48'Anyway, I've called you.'

0:12:48 > 0:12:50- I know.- I left you three messages.'

0:12:50 > 0:12:51'Four.'

0:12:51 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER

0:12:53 > 0:12:55'Really? Four?'

0:12:55 > 0:12:59'Yeah, and I didn't call you back four times. We're even.'

0:12:59 > 0:13:01'You're so mean.'

0:13:01 > 0:13:02It's Matt.

0:13:02 > 0:13:03'No, just trying to be clear.'

0:13:03 > 0:13:04I know.

0:13:04 > 0:13:07- 'I'm not going out with a guy who's life centres around a hockey puck.' - Hmm!

0:13:07 > 0:13:10Well, maybe if you spent a little time with me,

0:13:10 > 0:13:13you'd see there's more to me than just my puck.

0:13:13 > 0:13:16'Come on, go out with me once, I promise, my puck won't even come up.'

0:13:16 > 0:13:19'Really? Because it seems like it's probably a puck that comes up a lot.'

0:13:19 > 0:13:21'I'm telling you there's more to me than just my puck.'

0:13:21 > 0:13:26And yet, at the end of the day, I think your puck is pretty much what you're all about.

0:13:26 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER

0:13:27 > 0:13:30You do realise that if I die right now,

0:13:30 > 0:13:32this is the last conversation I'll ever hear.

0:13:32 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER

0:13:34 > 0:13:35Ha ha! Oh yeah!

0:13:40 > 0:13:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:13:44 > 0:13:45How great was that?

0:13:45 > 0:13:49- Really great!- Seriously, I'm ready to watch it again!

0:13:49 > 0:13:51Have I mentioned how much I love this show?

0:13:51 > 0:13:52ALL: Yeah!

0:13:52 > 0:13:55Everybody, there's coffee and dessert upstairs.

0:13:55 > 0:13:57< Oh great, that sounds good.

0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Oh, you've got some butter on your pants.- What? Oh shit!

0:14:02 > 0:14:03Yup, that's butter.

0:14:03 > 0:14:05Where's bread when you need it?

0:14:05 > 0:14:09OK. OK.

0:14:17 > 0:14:20Hey. Hey, hey.

0:14:20 > 0:14:23Listen, I know you're still pissed at me and everything,

0:14:23 > 0:14:26but you will not believe what just happened.

0:14:26 > 0:14:29- I'm not still pissed.- No?- No.

0:14:29 > 0:14:32Cos that implies there'll come a time when I'm not pissed.

0:14:32 > 0:14:34I will ALWAYS be pissed.

0:14:34 > 0:14:38With you, I am in a constant state of pissed.

0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Yeah, yeah, OK, but...- No. No but.

0:14:40 > 0:14:43- But...- No! No but.

0:14:43 > 0:14:44Whatever you've got to say,

0:14:44 > 0:14:46I don't want to hear it.

0:14:47 > 0:14:50I'm not your friend.

0:14:50 > 0:14:52You want to talk about the show, fine.

0:14:52 > 0:14:55But anything beyond work... Anything...

0:14:57 > 0:14:59Well, this is kind of work-related.

0:14:59 > 0:15:01Is it?

0:15:03 > 0:15:07I was watching the show when it happened?

0:15:12 > 0:15:13Ahh!

0:15:28 > 0:15:31- We totally did it. - Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

0:15:31 > 0:15:33It's, like, beyond what I ever...

0:15:33 > 0:15:36Hey, there she is! Woo-hoo!

0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Are you all right?- I'm fine. That'll teach me to walk into a room!

0:15:38 > 0:15:41Sorry, everyone's just very excited about the ratings.

0:15:41 > 0:15:43Really? We did well?

0:15:43 > 0:15:46We got a 5.6 with a 13 share

0:15:46 > 0:15:48and a 3.8 in the 18-33 demo.

0:15:48 > 0:15:50Wow!

0:15:50 > 0:15:52- I have no idea what this boy just said.- They're good.

0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Are you serious?- Really good.

0:15:54 > 0:15:58Yeah. Take that, Myron Blum of the Boston Herald,

0:15:58 > 0:16:00with your, "I don't know who this show is for."

0:16:00 > 0:16:03It's for everyone but you, cockface!

0:16:03 > 0:16:06I thought you said you didn't read them.

0:16:06 > 0:16:08- So, congratulations, everyone. - Yeah, nicely done.

0:16:08 > 0:16:11Hey.

0:16:11 > 0:16:13- How about that?- Mm-hm.

0:16:13 > 0:16:16Does this mean they'll let us go home early?

0:16:16 > 0:16:19Who's "they"? We're "they".

0:16:19 > 0:16:20So..?

0:16:20 > 0:16:22BOTH: No.

0:16:22 > 0:16:26< OK, people, back to work. Thank you.

0:16:26 > 0:16:28Right. I'll see you later. Jesus!

0:16:28 > 0:16:30Number one new show of the night.

0:16:30 > 0:16:33This is going to kill Schwimmer.

0:16:33 > 0:16:35MOANING

0:16:37 > 0:16:395.6 with a 13 share!

0:16:39 > 0:16:41- And a 3.8 in the demo! - Say it again!

0:16:41 > 0:16:44- 3.8.- Oooh!

0:16:44 > 0:16:4698% retention.

0:16:46 > 0:16:48Oh! Yes!

0:16:49 > 0:16:51Hi. Is he in?

0:16:51 > 0:16:53LOUD MOANING CONTINUES

0:16:57 > 0:16:59SHE GROANS

0:17:09 > 0:17:11- I know.- I mean...

0:17:11 > 0:17:14- It's insane.- You realise more people saw our show last night

0:17:14 > 0:17:17than probably every episode of Lyman's Boys put together?

0:17:17 > 0:17:18- Seriously?- Yeah.

0:17:18 > 0:17:22You've got to say this about Americans - there's a lot of them.

0:17:26 > 0:17:28What are you doing?

0:17:28 > 0:17:31I marked one two days ago. I just want to see how long it sits here.

0:17:33 > 0:17:35So, disappointed?

0:17:35 > 0:17:40- At what?- I can't imagine a big hit was what you were wishing for.

0:17:40 > 0:17:42It's not true.

0:17:42 > 0:17:43- Right(!)- It's not.

0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's still here!

0:17:47 > 0:17:50You're telling me there wasn't a part of you hoping

0:17:50 > 0:17:53- this whole thing would bomb and we could go home?- How wrong you are.

0:17:56 > 0:17:58Look, you have made it very clear that when we get home

0:17:58 > 0:18:00we're finished, we're nothing.

0:18:00 > 0:18:02Right now, at least we have this.

0:18:02 > 0:18:04Why would I wish for that to go away?

0:18:10 > 0:18:12Rehearsal's up!

0:18:30 > 0:18:33Hey. Can I ask you something? Er, could you give us a sec?

0:18:33 > 0:18:34What's up?

0:18:34 > 0:18:37- In this scene, I know the guys are lying to me, right?- Right.

0:18:37 > 0:18:40But you don't want to give too much away so you can surprise them later.

0:18:40 > 0:18:44That's what I thought. Oh, and um, also,

0:18:44 > 0:18:47Jamie Lapidus gave me a hand-job during the show last night.

0:18:49 > 0:18:50I had to tell you.

0:18:50 > 0:18:54Oh, yeah, who better to share the news with you had sex with someone else's wife?!

0:18:54 > 0:18:56Well, first of all, just a hand-job.

0:18:56 > 0:18:57With her husband three seats away!

0:18:57 > 0:19:00- I know! - My God, you're proud of this?!- No.

0:19:00 > 0:19:03But I gotta say, getting jerked-off

0:19:03 > 0:19:04while you're watching yourself on TV?

0:19:04 > 0:19:06Actors work their whole lives for that.

0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Who else knows about this?- Nobody.

0:19:18 > 0:19:20Good. Keep it that way. The last thing our little show needs

0:19:20 > 0:19:23is for Merc Lapidus to find out that you are fucking his wife.

0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Again, not fucking. - I'm not sure he'll appreciate the bloody distinction!

0:19:27 > 0:19:31What's the matter with you? That woman is married to your boss!

0:19:31 > 0:19:33And while we're on the subject, what is it with you

0:19:33 > 0:19:35and other people's wives?! It's pathological!

0:19:35 > 0:19:39Are there no other women in the world who aren't the spouses

0:19:39 > 0:19:40of people you know?! It...

0:19:40 > 0:19:42What?

0:19:43 > 0:19:44I've missed this.

0:19:53 > 0:19:56Mm, this one better than this one.

0:19:56 > 0:19:58Hey.

0:19:58 > 0:20:01You know that cool Prada jacket that you said my character would never wear?

0:20:01 > 0:20:02Mm-hm.

0:20:02 > 0:20:05- I figured out where it would work. - Where?- My house.

0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Annie, could you grab that for me? - OK.

0:20:09 > 0:20:12Well, good, because who's more deserving of free clothes

0:20:12 > 0:20:13than you(?)

0:20:13 > 0:20:15You can take stuff. What do you want?

0:20:15 > 0:20:19Or I could go to a shop, like a normal person.

0:20:19 > 0:20:24Yeah, someone who turns down free shit - NOT a normal person.

0:20:29 > 0:20:33- So, listen, this thing with Sean being pissed off.- Yeah?

0:20:33 > 0:20:35How long do you think that's going to last?

0:20:35 > 0:20:39It's just weird not being able to talk to him about stuff.

0:20:39 > 0:20:43Yes, this must be very hard for you(!)

0:20:43 > 0:20:44It is.

0:20:44 > 0:20:46Ah, that's great, thanks.

0:20:47 > 0:20:48Er...

0:20:48 > 0:20:50There was a hat?

0:20:50 > 0:20:52Sure.

0:20:54 > 0:20:57Look, I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to be mad, I get it,

0:20:57 > 0:21:00but at what point is it, like, "All right, already"?

0:21:00 > 0:21:02- "All right, already"?! - You know what I mean.

0:21:02 > 0:21:06He swears he'll never get over it, but I just...

0:21:06 > 0:21:09I have to believe it's not true. I just, I have to.

0:21:09 > 0:21:11Yeah. I hear you.

0:21:11 > 0:21:13I certainly can't blame him.

0:21:13 > 0:21:15When I look back at what I did, it's like I'm looking at this

0:21:15 > 0:21:18whole other person doing these inexplicable things

0:21:18 > 0:21:21with the absolutely last person on God's Earth

0:21:21 > 0:21:23I'd ever want to do them with.

0:21:23 > 0:21:24You're welcome.

0:21:24 > 0:21:26And now here we are,

0:21:26 > 0:21:31and I may have lost the only thing I ever actually cared about.

0:21:33 > 0:21:37Well, if there's anything I can do...

0:21:37 > 0:21:39You could stop wearing that fucking cologne!

0:21:48 > 0:21:50How we doing on the hat?

0:21:50 > 0:21:51Hey, did you guys see this?

0:21:51 > 0:21:55Our ratings went up in the nationals.

0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Wow!- Do you have any idea what you're looking at?

0:21:58 > 0:21:59No.

0:21:59 > 0:22:03- I can't believe I came THIS close to not taking this show.- Really?

0:22:03 > 0:22:04Yeah. I got two offers this year.

0:22:04 > 0:22:09- This one, and they wanted me for the kid in that talking dog show. - There's a talking dog show?

0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Over at ABC. It starts next week. Actually it's opposite us.- Any good?

0:22:12 > 0:22:13Dude, it's a talking dog show.

0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Yeah, dude(!)- So, like, I wasn't sure which one to pick.

0:22:17 > 0:22:20- My wife was really pushing me to take the other one.- Er, your wife?

0:22:20 > 0:22:23Well, not officially, yet.

0:22:23 > 0:22:26Have to wait till my divorce comes through.

0:22:26 > 0:22:28This would be your second marriage?

0:22:28 > 0:22:30Technically. I don't even count the first one.

0:22:30 > 0:22:32It was just a big fucking mess.

0:22:32 > 0:22:34SEAN CLEARS THROAT

0:22:34 > 0:22:37- We got married really young. - I assume as embryos.

0:22:37 > 0:22:38I'm 27.

0:22:38 > 0:22:41- You're not!- Kevin's 29. Stoke's going to be 31.

0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Very strange high school we're running!- Hey, the kids on Glee

0:22:44 > 0:22:47- are, like, in their fifties. - Excuse me.

0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Are we close to shooting? - Yeah, but they need you guys

0:22:49 > 0:22:51over in the locker room set.

0:22:53 > 0:22:56Oh, I've got to walk.

0:22:56 > 0:22:58It's awful(!)

0:22:59 > 0:23:01ALL: # Happy birthday to you

0:23:01 > 0:23:04# Happy birthday to you

0:23:04 > 0:23:06# Happy birthday, dear Sean

0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Happy birthday to you. #

0:23:08 > 0:23:10CHEERING

0:23:11 > 0:23:13Did you do this?

0:23:13 > 0:23:14- Actually, no.- It's from Matt.

0:23:18 > 0:23:19OK.

0:23:23 > 0:23:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Congrats.- Thank you.

0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Happy birthday.- Oh wow!

0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Ah.- Congratulations.

0:23:35 > 0:23:37SHE MOUTHS

0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Hey!- Hey, birthday boy. All right, man.

0:23:41 > 0:23:44Nice one. Right, come on. Dig in.

0:23:47 > 0:23:48Ho-ho!

0:23:50 > 0:23:52'Sean and Beverly's office.'

0:23:52 > 0:23:55Carol Rance on two!

0:23:56 > 0:23:58Thank you.

0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Hi, Carol.- 'Hold for Carol, please.'

0:24:02 > 0:24:04Wendy, could you come here, please?

0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah.

0:24:07 > 0:24:10Would it be possible, when the person's not actually on the line,

0:24:10 > 0:24:13you could alert me to that fact so that I don't...

0:24:13 > 0:24:14- 'Hi, you!'- There she is.

0:24:16 > 0:24:17Hi, Carol. What's up?

0:24:17 > 0:24:19'I'm taking you out for Sean's birthday.'

0:24:19 > 0:24:25- You should not be alone. - Aw, that's sweet. Merc cancel again?

0:24:27 > 0:24:30He forgot he had a thing at his kid's school.

0:24:30 > 0:24:33'Sometimes I wonder why I even shave my legs.

0:24:33 > 0:24:35'So, how did Sean like the watch?'

0:24:35 > 0:24:38I didn't want to put him on the spot when I gave it to him,

0:24:38 > 0:24:41so I had a PA put it in his car.

0:24:41 > 0:24:42CAROL DOES CHICKEN IMPRESSION

0:24:42 > 0:24:44Yeah, so what?!

0:25:00 > 0:25:01Hey!

0:25:01 > 0:25:04Hey, look at you. Very impressive.

0:25:04 > 0:25:07Please. I had two pieces of your fucking birthday cake!

0:25:07 > 0:25:08I need to run to, like, Cleveland.

0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Say what you want about bulimia... - Please, don't finish that sentence.

0:25:12 > 0:25:15I promise, once we're sure we're not getting cancelled,

0:25:15 > 0:25:16I'll start packing on the pounds.

0:25:16 > 0:25:21- Till then...- We're doing a little better than not getting cancelled. You saw those numbers today.

0:25:21 > 0:25:23No, I know. Still.

0:25:23 > 0:25:25What? The ratings were...

0:25:25 > 0:25:27No, they were great, but that's just people sampling it.

0:25:27 > 0:25:29Let's wait till next week and see.

0:25:29 > 0:25:31Well, you're a big ball of positivity.

0:25:31 > 0:25:34Hey, I once did this Fox show about these three girls living together.

0:25:34 > 0:25:36I was the one with the smaller tits.

0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Interesting concept.- Yeah.

0:25:39 > 0:25:42We had the highest number of any new series premiering that season.

0:25:42 > 0:25:45Week two, not so much. Week three, ooh.

0:25:45 > 0:25:48They kept dropping and dropping.

0:25:48 > 0:25:49They pulled the plug after six.

0:25:49 > 0:25:53- Wow!- Now I won't even decorate my dressing room

0:25:53 > 0:25:58until we're picked up for the back nine. Just because you start out strong doesn't mean that...

0:25:58 > 0:26:00- What?- What are you doing?

0:26:00 > 0:26:03- I'm just saying.- It's my birthday.

0:26:04 > 0:26:07Oh, shit! I am an asshole! It's all good.

0:26:07 > 0:26:11- The ratings will NEVER come down! - I thought you were a better actress than that.

0:26:11 > 0:26:13Obviously you haven't read my reviews for this show.

0:26:14 > 0:26:18- So what are you doing for the birthday? - Oh, birthdays are no big deal.

0:26:18 > 0:26:21- So nothing?- I'm fine, I've got some scripts to look over and...

0:26:21 > 0:26:24Fuck that! We're going to celebrate.

0:26:24 > 0:26:26Well, I appreciate it, but I really...

0:26:31 > 0:26:32And that was...?

0:26:32 > 0:26:34Birthday present?

0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, as gifts go, it was very thoughtful.

0:26:37 > 0:26:40It also comes in large.

0:26:50 > 0:26:54I don't know why I feel obliged to ask this, but your boyfriend...?

0:26:54 > 0:26:58- What boyfriend? - You told me you had a boyfriend.

0:26:58 > 0:27:01Oh. Maybe I am a good actress.

0:27:20 > 0:27:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd