0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07- I loved your script.- You did not.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- So, where are you with casting? - In hell, thanks to you.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Now I can only hear your voice in my head.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Well, keep hearing it, cos they're trying "Pucks!" on a new night,
0:00:17 > 0:00:18and if it doesn't work...
0:00:18 > 0:00:22We lost to something called Storage Wars: Texas?
0:00:22 > 0:00:23This is not good, people.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26We also lost to Swamp People.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Oh, shit. I missed Swamp People.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30All right, but this is just the first week.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32They've got to give the audience a chance to find us.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35They've got to, right?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29PHONE RINGS
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Wendy!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yeah? >
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Never mind.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Hello?- 'Hold for Carol.'
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Here we go.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- 'Hey, there.'- What's up? - 'Sean and Beverly's office.'
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- BOTH:- We've got it!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Sorry about that.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52So, I'm sure you guys saw the ratings...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Obviously, not everything we were hoping for.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Right, but you did say expectations were lower on Saturdays.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01But higher than this.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Now, don't freak out. - That's not chilling.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06'We're going to pull "Pucks!" from the schedule.'
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- What?- 'For now.'
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- After one viewing?- I know. It's totally our fault.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13We never should have moved you to Saturday.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16No-one watches anything on Saturday.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And yet, they seem to be watching all the other shows.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23But no comedies. I guess people don't want to laugh on Saturday.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24What about Saturday Night Live?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's not always funny.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Look, could we keep you on Saturdays? Absolutely.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34But these episodes are too good.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37We want to save them for a time when people will see them.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39And when would that be?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Um, maybe in the summer. There's a lot less competition.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- The summer? - 'The summer's great.'
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Summer's like the new fall.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50There's tons of really terrific shows now in the summer.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51So there WILL be competition.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Hey, that's the problem with over 500 channels...
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- There's always some other shit on. - But as of now, our shit is off.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Right. - So, in essence, we're cancelled?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Don't even go there.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You've still got those last three shows to shoot.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Right. So, they ARE our LAST three shows?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Wow. I feel like I'm
0:03:13 > 0:03:16on the second half of Law & Order here.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Chong-chong!
0:03:20 > 0:03:21That's the Law & Order sound.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Mm.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Carol says it's not cancelled.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25- It's bullshit.- Thank you.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I'm not crazy. You heard her.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Did she or did she not say they'd bring us back?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Oh, no, I'm sure they will.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32By the way, did I tell you?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34My unicorn has been shitting rainbows.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Then why would Carol say it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Because she's a liar.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Yes, the woman is my friend, but that doesn't stop her
0:03:40 > 0:03:42from being full of shit on a massive level.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44She's the Michael Jordan of liars.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Hey, look at you with the dated American sports references.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It just doesn't make sense. If it's really over,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54why would they spend the money to shoot the last three?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Hey, we shot like eight episodes of "Joey" they burned off.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58They hate pulling the trigger... I'm telling you.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Even though no-one's willing to put a tag on the toe,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02this thing is dead.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Is he there?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Matt LeBlanc.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Hey, buddy. What's up?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Guess what...they're pulling "Pucks!" from the schedule.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Yeah, I heard.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16So, problem solved...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18'Now I can do the NBC thing.'
0:04:19 > 0:04:20What?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24They cast it yesterday.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Are you shitting me? Yesterday?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Who got it?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Hey, you guys ever heard of some British actor Anthony Powner Smith?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Oh, sure. He's amazing.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I saw him do Henry V in the West End.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45He played all the parts. No sets, no props...
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Just him, a bucket, and a birdcage. Genius.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51What about him?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54That asshole took my part in Andrew Lesley's pilot.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Bloody hell!- Thank you.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Andrew Lesley gets to work with Anthony Powner Smith.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Is that my point? I don't think that was my point.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I am so sick of these British fucks
0:05:07 > 0:05:09coming over here and stealing our parts.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12How is that even legal, huh?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It should be like, "OK, you act in your country,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"and we'll act in ours." But, no, they sneak in here
0:05:18 > 0:05:20with their perfect American accents
0:05:20 > 0:05:22like some fucking magic trick, you know?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And no-one even knows till it's too late.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Then, suddenly, you see them on a talk show,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and it's like, "Holy shit. That guy's English?!"
0:05:28 > 0:05:31They're on our TV shows. They're in our movies.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Th-Th-There should be congressional hearings or something.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Fucking British people! Stay the fuck home!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37No offence!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I don't remember ever wanting a part this bad.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53I'm sorry. It sucks.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I could have been so good.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Well, I know it doesn't help,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00but there will be other parts.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Not like this. You know the shit that's out there?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06CBS is offering me a show called Fucked At 40.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08They can say "fucked"?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Well, it's got hash symbols and asterisks and stuff,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15although, if I take it, they'll probably change the title to Matt,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18cos everyone knows "Matt" actually means "fucked at 40."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24You know, I don't have to go to this conference tomorrow.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- I could cancel.- No, no, no, no.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I'll still feel like shit, no matter what.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Why should your refugees have to suffer?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, Christ.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47What?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50This ABC pilot won't see me
0:06:50 > 0:06:52cos I was on this piece of shit.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Fucking "Pucks."
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Dude, chill.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57What? You're not freaking out?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59No. I'll get something.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I've actually been reading for a bunch of stuff.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Seriously? They're letting you come in?- Yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Anything I'd be good for, or just black stuff?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14What?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Is that racist? H-How is that racist?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Does this George Clooney joke work?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25If its ultimate goal is to make people laugh, then, no.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- Got anything better?- Nope.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Shall we try?- Nope.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I see.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I'm sorry.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37No-one's ever gonna see these shows. Who cares?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I care, your partner... me.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43If there's even a ghost of a chance that one of them actually gets on,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45then I want to make sure it's not a stinking turd.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Darling, if no-one is there to smell it...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And your plan is to, what, just...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- ..knit your way through it? - Long after this show is forgotten,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57there will still be this scarf.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01If you guys got a sec, I want you to meet my little sister.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02- Oh, hello.- Hey.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03She's visiting from New York.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Dawn, these are my bosses, Sean and Beverly. Sean and Beverly, Dawn.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Hi.- Morning and Dawn...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Clearly, your parents had a whole range of idea.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I'm guessing you're an actress, too.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- No, thank God.- Oh, God, no.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- She's a designer.- Graphic design.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19That's still a designer.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Oh, I almost went into graphic design.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I loved to draw. Had my markers.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I did all the posters for the plays.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah, yeah. We do everything on computers.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31It's all digital now.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Yeah, right.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I almost forgot...I'm old.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Do you knit?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Hey. Who's that?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Uh, Morning's little sister, Dawn.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Wow.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53There's a "crack of dawn" joke there somewhere.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Well, if anyone can find it...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Found it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Uh, we have a problem.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Then you want Sean.- Thank you.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- We don't have Stoke.- Well, then, someone should get him.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19No, I-I mean, we don't have Stoke, period.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20He left.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23What, the building? The planet?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- The show.- What... What are you saying? He quit?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27We just got a call from his manager.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30He's got reshoots on that Michael Bay thing,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32and since we're pretty much cancelled...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- We're not cancelled.- Mnh.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Right. Well, he says we are.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40That's insane. We're about to shoot a scene with him.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Get me the manager.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Is he there?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I've got Sean Lincoln from "Pucks!"
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Yeah. Hang on.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Yeah. Hello.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Uh, not so good, actually. We just heard about Stoke.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Um, what the fuck?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02No, that is absolutely unacceptable.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06He's supposed to be here, shooting a scene right now.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Oh, please, it's a Michael Bay movie.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11His part could be played by a can opener.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, believe me... we WILL sue you.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Oh, yes, we will.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Mnh.- Yes, we will.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Yes, we will.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Where are... Where are the other boys?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Guys?- Do you believe this?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Yes, I do.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Did you guys know that Stoke had left the show?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Uh...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- kind of.- We thought you knew.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Uh, no. So, what are we supposed to do?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43We could just split up his lines.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- What?- You know, just divide his stuff between us.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50No! It... It wouldn't make any sense.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Do you think we just write lines
0:10:53 > 0:10:56that anyone can say, that it's that random?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59No, his lines are in his voice,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01and your lines are... It... It...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03There's an internal logic to... We can't!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's... It just... It...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You know what?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Do it.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Really?- Yeah, split 'em up. It'll be fine.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Wow.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24So, uh, w-who should say what?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Doesn't matter. Your call.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Holy shit. Can we add some stuff?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Absolutely. Add away.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Yeah!
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Wool?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Uh, you might want to steer clear of the brownies.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50They've been here since the first table read.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Yikes.- Probably growing other brownies by now.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Yeah. Good to know.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Oh, also, the crew... not so much with the hygiene.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I'd stick to anything wrapped.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01OK.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I'm Morning's sister Dawn, by the way.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Hey. I'm Matt.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10No kidding. Like someone wouldn't know that.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16What?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I'm sorry.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22God, it's not like I've never met anyone famous.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's just... It's Joey.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Right.- When I was a kid, I was totally obsessed with you.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Really?- Just between us,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35the only reason why I came today was to meet you.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Don't tell certain other people I said that.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Ah, not to worry.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Meeting you is kind of like an early birthday present to myself.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Ah, well, happy birthday.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49- When is it?- Thursday.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Oh. How old are you gonna be?
0:12:51 > 0:12:5319.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Say it.- Nah, come on.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Yes, say it. Come on, please.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Seriously?- Yes.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Say it right when I'm coming.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06No.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Yes! Come on!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Not gonna happen.- Say it. Come on, I'm really close.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Forget it.- Say it!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Say it now! Now!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Now!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19How YOU doin'?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22SHE WAILS
0:13:29 > 0:13:34See? Isn't this better - not giving a shit?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Might take some getting used to.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37That's what the wine is for.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42You know, we're gonna be fine.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43I know.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45We'll go home. We'll come up with new shows.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- You could make the posters.- Exactly.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, I just wish it hadn't been such a fucking disaster.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54It wasn't a...
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Yeah.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Yeah, right. Yeah, no, you're right.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I mean, going home now, seeing everyone,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04especially after the way we left...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"Off to Hollywood! See you, suckers!"
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Kind of regretting that mass e-mail?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09- Little bit.- Mm.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You know, we don't have to go straight home.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- We do not. - We could travel around a bit.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Absolutely. The Travelling Failures.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Well, we don't need a banner. - Hmm.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22DAWN: God, this is so weird.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I remember watching you when I was, like, seven...
0:14:26 > 0:14:30And now I'm laying here with your dick in my hand.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Yeah, life's funny.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34By the way, a little grippy.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Better?- Yeah.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Actually, I should be getting back to the stage.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Oh, shit. Me too. My mother's probably freaking out.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Your mother? Wh-What do you mean, your mother?
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Did I say "mother"?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Weird. I meant, um, sister.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Well, I'm totally confused. - Yeah, just forget it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- It's so stupid.- What?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59OK, but you have to swear that you won't tell anybody ever.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01All right. I won't tell anybody.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- Swear.- Fine. I swear. What?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06She just tells people she's my sister.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- Who?- My nutjob mother.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11She's afraid people will figure out she's like a kajillion years old.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12It's really lame.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- W-W-Wait a minute. Morning's not your sister?- Yeah.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- She's your mother?- Uh-huh.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Definitely let go of my dick.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32We should probably get back to work.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Oh, do we have to? This is so nice.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Oh, come on, now.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Those deck chairs aren't gonna rearrange themselves.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43I am so, so sorry to bother you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45You're Sean and Beverly Lincoln, right?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Maybe.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Eileen Jaffee. I'm an agent at WME.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And I could not leave without telling you
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I'm such a huge fan of your work.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57In that case, we are definitely Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Oh, my God! I just love your writing.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Really?- Don't sound so surprised.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Well, we're not used to getting a lot of praise for "Pucks!"
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Oh.- No, not "Pucks!"
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Ah.- "Lyman's Boys."
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Really?- How nice. Thank you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I ran our London office for 18 months,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18and it was the only thing I watched.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Saturday nights, I didn't even make plans.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Of course, I was also just divorced
0:16:23 > 0:16:26and had no life, but, still,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I loved, loved,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31loved your show.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, I think I love, love you.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's so awful what they made you to do it here.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40That can't have been fun.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41It's a wonder we can sit at all.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46You also had a script that was going around back then.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- It's all anyone talked about. - Really? Which one?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Uh, I want to say The Opposite Of Us.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You remember the title?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Are you kidding? I can still quote lines from it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Please do.- Please don't.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Whatever happened with that?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Mm. Nothing.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Seriously?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Oh, we have idiots on our side of the pond, too.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10God. I'd love to read it again.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13You don't have a copy, do you?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Uh, uh...that's very sweet,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18but just so you know, we're not looking to do another show here.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Oh, God. No, no, no.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Just for me, purely selfish.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I could e-mail it to you.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I would love that. What a treat!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31So, bottle of wine at lunch - what are we celebrating?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33We're not supposed to say,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36but, um, they pulled our show from the schedule.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Yeah. I heard last week.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Really? They just told us.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43I heard that, too.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Hey, Nina, have you seen my little sister?- Sorry, no.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Do you know who was Truman's vice president - Seven letters?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Jesus. How fucking old do you think I am?
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Barkley.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Thank you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Holy shit.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Yeah, that's not what you want.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16So, you two met. That's not terrifying at all.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19It's none of your business, sis.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Where have you been? - Nowhere.- Nowhere?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- How was that?- Relax. We just went for a ride.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Oh. Where?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I don't know. Around.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- You went for a ride around.- Mm-hmm.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Did you happen to take Bullshit Street or Are You Fucking Kidding Me Avenue?!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Right. We need to talk.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40OK. See you guys later.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- No, you.- Oh.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44You...go inside.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Did you just roll your eyes at me?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51At least I CAN roll my eyes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- All right, look...- Did you fuck my sister?- No.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58You are such a liar.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I swear, I did not fuck your sister.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Oh, my God.- What?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07She told you?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Kind of.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10And you still fucked her?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13No, no, no. I fucked her when I thought she was your sister.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Still not OK!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16But better than your daughter, you got to admit.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Look, it was a one-time thing. - It meant nothing.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22What mother doesn't want to hear that?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Hey, you know, it's not like she's 16.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Right?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27So, OK, she's an adult.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30She's able to make her own decisions.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32She is still my kid.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33I get that.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Look, the minute I found out, that was it...done, over.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I promise. I'm not gonna see her again. I'm not even gonna call her.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40So, basically, you're gonna treat her like shit.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Look, tell me what you want, huh?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Want me to fuck her again? I'll fuck her again.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Totally your call, Mom.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- SEAN:- Hello!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Hey.- Hi.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- What's going on?- Nothing.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Nothing to you, asshole.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57She doesn't deserve this. She's not even in the business.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Ho-ho-ho!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I, uh... I kind of had
0:20:05 > 0:20:07a little lunch thing with her daughter.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- What?- Wait. You said "daughter." You mean "sister."
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Nope, daughter.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Not sister?- Daughter.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"Sister, daughter. Sister, daughter.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- "She's my sister and..." - I'm begging you.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- So that girl she said was her sister...- Isn't.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- And that's who you...- Yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Jesus! You slept with Morning's daughter?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Hey, hey, don't look at me. She slept with her brother.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- This is true.- Excuse me.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- As I recall, you had the woman herself.- Also true.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Man, we are just ploughing through that family.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41What?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47PHONE RINGS
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Wendy?
0:21:00 > 0:21:01You there?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04No?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Wendy?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Wendy...you incompetent cunt?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18- 'Sean and Beverly's office.' - Oh, Jesus.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19'Eileen Jaffee on one.'
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Thank you so much. Well done.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Hello?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Sean, it's Eileen.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Oh, did you get the script?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Oh, my God. It's even better than I remembered.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32'Oh, thank you.'
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- Bev's down on stage, but I'll definitely tell her.- 'Please do.'
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Also, don't be mad at me.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40All right.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I was just at a meeting with Kim Sally over at Fox.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Have you met Kim?
0:21:44 > 0:21:45- No.- 'You'd love her.'
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Anyway, she was bitching
0:21:46 > 0:21:48about all the crap she's been reading,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51and she asked if I've read anything I liked.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54So, I told her the only thing I liked she can't have.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Well, of course, now she HAS to see it.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Do you mind if I show it to her?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01'Um...'
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Well...
0:22:05 > 0:22:11..as we told you, we're not interested in pursuing anything new.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Absolutely. I hear you. I'll make it very clear,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17even if she loves it, she can't have it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Um, all right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21I can't see the harm.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Do you need to clear it with Beverly first?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25No, no.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Um, not if we're all on the same page
0:22:28 > 0:22:29that nothing can happen.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31You have my word.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Great.- 'Wonderful. I'll let you know what she says.'
0:22:34 > 0:22:35OK.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Hello.- Hey.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50You haven't seen Sean, have you?
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Nope.- Ah. Probably back at the office.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Your sister seems lovely, by the way.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- What?- That asshole told you, didn't he?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05What arsehole? I...
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Yes, he told us.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07I knew it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11So she's your daughter. That's wonderful.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Yeah, on days like today, it's fucking joyous(!)
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Want one?- Oh, no, I just...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Your show just got cancelled. - Thank you.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28So, um, may I ask...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32When did she become your "sister"?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Oh, right out of the cooch.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Believe me - that is not something you can switch up later.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- I would think not. - Careerwise, it just made sense.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40I was still Kelly.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- Kelly?- Kelly.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Kelly?- Kelly.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Kel-ly. On Kelly Girl.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- All right.- And no-one wanted to think of Kelly as a mom.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53No.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I had the baby over a hiatus.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I just told everyone that I went off to get my tits done again.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59They totally bought it.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Well, clearly, you'd already laid the groundwork.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Exactly.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06And when I came back - hello! - I had a little sister.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Plus, obviously, my boobs were ginormous.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Right.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14And, uh, the father?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Mnh. It was a one-time thing - this actor.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18You wouldn't know him.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21He was like a poor man's Bill Bixby.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Who?- Bill Bixby.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Bill Bixby. Bill...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Let's not do this again. - All right.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33So, uh, you brought her up on your own?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Oh, yeah, I did all the mom shit -
0:24:36 > 0:24:37made the Halloween costumes
0:24:37 > 0:24:39and never missed a soccer practice.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Really?- And I worried my ass off.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43That's all you do is worry.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46You worry they'll get sick. You worry they'll get hurt.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48You worry when they learn to drive.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- I can't even imagine.- Ugh.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53You know the one thing I never worried about...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Her fucking Matt LeBlanc!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Really? I would think that's something ALL mothers should worry about.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Hello? >
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Matt? >
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Honey? >
0:25:13 > 0:25:14In here.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Hey. What are you doing back?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I thought the conference thing was through the weekend.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It is. You just seemed so sad last night.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I didn't want you to be on your own.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oh.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Well, I'm better now.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Ooh.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55What? What's... What's the matter?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Uh, you know, we don't have to do this now.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04You hungry? I-I got a ton of Chinese in the fridge,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- or we could go out, or...- Don't.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Don't what? What am I doing?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I know what cheating smells like.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13What? Cheating? What... What are you... What?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15That's crazy.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Look, I know you got your special skills
0:26:17 > 0:26:20with your superhuman X-Men nose,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23but you're so wrong, way off base, way...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Please, I don't want to play this game.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Well, t-this is nuts.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30You come in here all fee-fi-fo-fumming.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I don't know what you think you're smelling, but it's...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You knew from the beginning there were only two things I asked -
0:26:35 > 0:26:37be nice and don't cheat.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40I was nice!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I'm going.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43OK, OK. I fucked up.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45You know how depressed I was.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48So you eat a cheesecake. You don't drive us off a cliff!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I know. I'm sorry. It was stupid.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52OK, this girl...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I swear, she meant nothing... Nothing.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55I met her today.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58It's amazing. How do you not know that you're making things worse?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Hang on. Don't do this.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02- Stop.- Come on.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04No. No more.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- Hey.- No, stay.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I'm done.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Wh...?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- HE SNIFFS - Oh, yeah.