0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24WOMAN: Does it seem normal to you that we're going to lunch with Dad?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Yeah, I know. And it's a bit weird.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I haven't seen him in a few months.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Mmm, I mean, for no reason, just to go around there for lunch?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Yeah.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I hope there is no reason, but...
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm sure he's fine.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- He eats a lot of sausages.- Yeah.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Do you think that we'll get there and he's just gonna say,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49"I murdered her, she's in the bath"?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51LAUGHING
0:00:51 > 0:00:53"She's in the bath just stewing in her own cabbage."
0:00:53 > 0:00:57LAUGHS: Oh, God. I've eaten before I came.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Good call.- Yeah.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02So, um... so, are you, uh...?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I don't know. You're fine?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Yes, I'm fine. - Are you going out with anyone?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- No, I'm not going out with anyone. - Why not?- Because I don't want to.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- It's been about six months. - Yep. I know.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21A woman would just get in the way of my wallowing.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Right.- Which I've really grown quite attached to.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26OK. Have you got a lot more to do of that?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- I've got, like, another six months of wallowing in me.- OK.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Would you mind checking on Monk for me?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Because that seat is new to me... - Yeah.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37..and I don't know if I've done it up right.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- I'm sure he's fine. - Well, he might not be.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Would you mind just having a look?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Would you mind, actually, with your own hands to check the strap?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- Check the strap on the thing? - Thank you. Yes.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Thank you.- Oh, yeah. Actually, it was a little loose.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Was it loose? - Mm-hm. It's fine now.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- Come on, Monk. MONKEY:- Are you crazy?- No.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20DOORBELL CHIMING "COLONEL BOGEY MARCH"
0:02:22 > 0:02:23What the...?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- There's 15 verses of this.- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Buna ziua, Tom, Bea, and Monkey! Please, please, you come.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Okey-doke.- Thanks, Luba.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38SITAR PLAYING Vikram, do I look fat in this sari?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40No, Chitra,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42you ARE fat in that sari.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHING
0:02:45 > 0:02:47< Hey, Dad.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Hello, Tommy. How are you?- Good.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Sit, sit, sit. Hello, sweetheart. - Hello, Dad.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Have a seat, have a seat. Remember this one?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56You look like an elephant just dropped
0:02:56 > 0:02:58a steamy heapy on the carpet.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01VIKRAM: I am very much worried
0:03:01 > 0:03:04about this new Sahib chappy who has moved in next door.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06They don't make 'em like this any more.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08LAUGHING
0:03:08 > 0:03:12He may not even be any caste at all.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Of course he isn't. He's from Seven Oaks.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18HE SIGHS
0:03:18 > 0:03:21There goes the neighbourhood.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22LAUGHING
0:03:22 > 0:03:27Keith, Tom, Bea, dirty monkey puppet, it's time. Is food.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Very nice, love.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33My own personal Nigella Lawson here.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35HE CHUCKLES
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- So you didn't have any trouble getting here or anything?- No.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It was good. Pretty quiet.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Although there was a bit of a march in Walthamstow.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Yeah.- Psychos with... - Hmm?- ..with placards.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47It was quite dangerous-looking.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49It was just a little diversion we had to make.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- What kind of a march? - Paedophiles.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Really? They let them march? - Anti...anti-paedophiles.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Anti-paedophiles?- Yeah. - BEA: Oh, right, yeah.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59So, my parents got divorced when I was nine,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02which was an adventure, um...
0:04:02 > 0:04:06My mom went back to Ireland, which is where she's from,
0:04:06 > 0:04:12and I went with her, because I love to travel.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13HE LAUGHS
0:04:13 > 0:04:16And, um, Bea stayed here with Dad.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I don't know why that decision was made or...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23But I'm happy with the way things worked out.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I stayed there for around nine years, then I came back to London
0:04:27 > 0:04:31'and I got a job at the Central London Accident Investigation Management.'
0:04:31 > 0:04:34C-L-A-I-M.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Spells CLAIM.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Like in an accident.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42My job was to assess each specific accident
0:04:42 > 0:04:44and to attribute responsibility
0:04:44 > 0:04:48to one of the parties, which was pretty sexy.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53So I got made redundant from that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- How's the job quest going? - Oh, good. Yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01I had an interview the other day for something kind of in my area.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Risk assessment, but for a new bouncy castle company.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- What's that?- Like bouncy castles, like the one kids jump on.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Kids jump up and down on them. - Oh, yeah, I've seen them.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- They look dangerous. - LUBA: Very fun. Bouncy castle.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Ooh, I like that.- Luba knows it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Like bed.- OK.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- It's inflatable.- Yeah.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Like your wife.- Monkey!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25'I did serve Her Majesty. Served her well.'
0:05:25 > 0:05:2820 years in the army and then...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Ho, ho, some wonderful years as a Yeoman Warder.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36But I wound up taking early retirement to pursue my other dream.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I wanted to invent something that would change the world,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41make life better for people.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42This is one I'm working on now.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I haven't quite got the bugs worked out of it yet.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46You know when your feet are hot?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You don't want to put on a hot shoe, do you?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You want a nice, cool shoe.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52So this is a shoe tree.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You insert this into the shoe
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- and flip on this little fan. - WHIRRING
0:05:57 > 0:05:59You see?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02And what it does... it cools the actual shoe
0:06:02 > 0:06:03before you put it on.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Conversely, if your feet are cold,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08you don't want to be stepping into some cold and clammy shoe.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11But you turn this on, and these heating el...
0:06:11 > 0:06:12- ZAPS - Ah, fuck me!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15These heating elements here,
0:06:15 > 0:06:19they heat up and they warm the shoe.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21LUBA: You like?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Um, yeah, it's really syrupy,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- which is what I like in a Sunday roast.- You want more?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Um, I think...- Yeah.- All right.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Brilliant. Right in there with her fingers. It's terrific.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Still erect. - Yeah. Sausagis erectus.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Truly disgusting.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42He's only joking. It's amazing!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Yeah, I was on holiday in Wales.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Which was bad enough in itself.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And I came across, um, a puffin.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56And this puffin was, um...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Masturbating. - He was touching himself,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- you know, in an inappropriate way. - Looking directly at her.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06And I found that... took it as a personal affront.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- She took it very hard. - I was just very young, you know?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I didn't know how to process that sort of thing emotionally,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16so it was suggested that I went to a child therapist.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18She hadn't spoken in weeks.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21And this therapist told me that I might be able
0:07:21 > 0:07:25to let out my inner voice with the use of a hand puppet.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26So the rest is history.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28We've been together ever since, you know?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32And I find it wonderful, because I have his companionship.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I...I take a lot of the heat, it has to be said.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38You know, it's not all laughs with Monkey,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40because holding down a job, finding a job where
0:07:40 > 0:07:43they will put up with him, you know, that really is a challenge.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47'Currently I'm working in a bank. I bring Monkey in two days a week.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50'But you're really hopeless at counting out the money.'
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I find it difficult.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I don't have the manual skills.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Yeah, but the inaccuracy.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Er, you asked us to come over, Dad. What was... What's going on?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- BEA: Oh, right. - Well, a bit of sad news.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05There's been a death in the family.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Oh, no.- Really? - It's your great-aunt Victoria.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13My aunt, my father's sister Victoria has passed on.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14- Oh, no.- She was in her 80s.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16She was in her 80s. She had a good, long life.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19She was a good sort. I didn't know her terribly well myself.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21But, um...
0:08:21 > 0:08:25you know, the good news is she's left us all a little something.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26- That's great!- Yeah.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Exciting.- Um... - I mean, sad that she's dead,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- but that's great. - Well, yeah.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- That's your lot, Bea. - Ugh, it's stained.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I don't think that's coffee.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40And this is all yours.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Impressive.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Um... - KEITH CHUCKLES
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Ah.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Oh, that's nice. - Well, I've needed a new pincushion.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- No, you haven't.- No, I haven't.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01ANNOUNCER: Next on The Plantagenets...
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- MAN:- Your treachery and cruelty will end on this very night
0:09:05 > 0:09:08unless you release my brother, the Duke of Grimsby,
0:09:08 > 0:09:09before the sun rises.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11KING: Never!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13DOOR OPENS
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Don't kill her. She's the only reason I watch.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Please, Father, don't let them hurt me again.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Again?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26ANNOUNCER: The Plantagenets on BBC Two.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- DEEP VOICE:- Well, hello.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Who the hell are you?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05RINGING
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Hello?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Hey, Dad. It's Tom.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Hello, Tommy. How are you? - I'm good.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Listen, I was just looking through that old chest
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- that Great-aunt Victoria gave me. - Oh, yes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Yeah, and I just came across a photograph of an old fella.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25He's a stout-looking man
0:10:25 > 0:10:29and he's got some interesting facial hair going on.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Oh, and he's in full military garb. - You know who that might be?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I think that's probably your great-granddad,
0:10:35 > 0:10:36my grandfather Harry.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- Harry?- Yeah, he was supposedly some sort of military hero.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Oh, wow, a military... I didn't know that. That's cool.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Is there anything else you can tell me about him?- No, not really. No.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50He died long before I was on the earth.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- OK, well, cheerio, Dad. - Bye, now.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- DEEP VOICE:- General Harry Chadwick, leader of men,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02grower of beard.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Mr P.- Hello, Tom Tom.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- How are you doing, mate?- Good.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20You know, crying myself to sleep.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- What you got there? - This is, um...
0:11:23 > 0:11:28My great-aunt died and she left a box of bits and bobs,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31and I thought, "I know a man who enjoys his bits and bobs."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- That's my field - bits and bobs. - And this was in it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I think it is my great-grandfather Harry.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Oh, look at that.- Yeah.- Blimey, he's a stout fella, isn't he?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Yeah. - I see the family resemblance.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Puff your cheeks out a bit.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Yeah. Narrow your eyes.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Yeah. No, not really. No.- No? OK.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Well, I can tell you this much.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- It's turn-of-the-century, I'd say.- Right.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Anywhere in the early 1900s.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Uh, Tommy, I wouldn't do that. That's not a musical instrument.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's a Victorian dildo. Early prototype.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I'd like to be able to say you don't know where it's been,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12but I think we know exactly where it's been, man.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Listen, I'll tell you what.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16There's a fellow who deals with this stuff.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18He's an antiques photo fellow.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- OK, cool. - He lives just outside of London.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Here is his card. Neville St Aubrey.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Ooh, hello.- Yes, well, never judge a book by its cover, Tom.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I wouldn't like to see him in a care home.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Well, in his case, actually, you CAN judge it by the cover.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- He's mad as a box of frogs. - Oh, good to know.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'The one good thing about'
0:12:35 > 0:12:39being in your own place and living the life you want to lead
0:12:39 > 0:12:44is you have time for hobbies and pastimes. I've got a couple.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Got into something called "landmarks in a bottle."
0:12:47 > 0:12:51'It's putting things in bottles, but it's not ships.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53'So it's like the Taj Mahal,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56'Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower, whatever, Mount Rushmore,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59'and you stick it in the bottle. And I think that it's more original.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02'It's fiddly. I'm not very good with these sausage hands.'
0:13:02 > 0:13:05But I think I'll get there in the end,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08create some fine works of art.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Hello. I'm Pete.- Uh, best mate.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21His best mate. HE LAUGHS
0:13:21 > 0:13:23First time I met Pete was the first day of primary school.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oakeshott Primary.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27And I got a little overexcited.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Couldn't handle his fizzy pop.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- I went on to soil myself. - He wet himself.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Got ridiculed by everybody. - Everyone. And the teachers.- Yeah.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Everybody took the piss except for one person.- Except...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42this guy, here.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44He waddled over and he said...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I said, "Don't you worry, son. I do it all the time.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48And sometimes on purpose
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Cos I enjoy... BOTH: "The sensation."
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- Which was very sweet. - And with that, a bond was formed...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Can't break that. - ..that could never be undone.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Except I went off.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Except you went to Ireland and got your silly accent.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03But we kept in touch, didn't we?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Yeah, I would write letters and... - I wouldn't write letters.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I ph... mine was mainly phone calls.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I get... my hand gets tired of writing.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Never perfected joined-up writing. - I can do j... I just... It bores me.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- While I was away, you started at a zoo.- Yes, I started
0:14:17 > 0:14:20at a Saturday job as a 16-year-old in a zoo,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and look at me now...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Zoological Cage Management Associate
0:14:25 > 0:14:27in one of the top children's zoos in London.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- You shovel shit. - Yeah, I shovel shit.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32It's one of my many jobs at the zoo.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34At least animals have got roughage in their diet.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So I came back after about 10 years,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38and it was like nothing had changed.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- Cos it hadn't.- But we've always had three things in common, haven't we?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Booze, birds, and the Spurs.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- And the Spurs.- And the Spurs. - And the Spurs.- Football chants.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49TOM LAUGHS They love that, don't they?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Yeah.- Obviously, I get a little more action
0:14:52 > 0:14:56in the lady department than him. You just have to look at this
0:14:56 > 0:15:00and listen to this, and you'll understand why.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Tommy's had a bit of a rough patch recently. Haven't you?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- Oh, you know Natalie? - Uh, no.- I'm seeing her at work.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11She wears the Larry the Ring-tailed Lemur outfit.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12- Right. - And she likes to keep it on.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And me. And she likes me to dress up as well.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Anyway. - Anyway, she's got a mate, Ellie...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- No, no.- She's fit and we're setting you up.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- No.- Trust me, she's model pretty. - What kind of model?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Cos the last time you did this, she was a model for garden furniture.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26No, no. She's cat...
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- not supermodel, catalogue-model fit.- Like in a magazine.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Like in a free-leaflet- through-the-door-model fit.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- She's a junk mail model? - Y...yeah.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Forget it.- I can't forget it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I've already said yes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42LAUGHS: Ah!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Where are we going?- Platform 4.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oh, yeah. Mm.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Tom and Sarah.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52What... I don't know... She broke him.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54And it's sad.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He's still... I know it's tough on him
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and he's still not over her, but he needs to get over her.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I never liked her, to be honest.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02I never thought she was right for him.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04And it turns out I was correct.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Do you know what's sad?
0:16:06 > 0:16:11What's sad is seeing a man of that size crying like a little baby.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12I'd come back from the zoo
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and he'd be sat there in my flat in his pants,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18playing PlayStation day after day.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21And I'm a bloke who enjoys playing PlayStation in his pants,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25but five days is like two days too long.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29PETE: Right, so you get to have a right old fondle
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- of a supermodel's fun bags. - Lovely.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- And she's got big ones.- Right.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36But...but you've got to get off with your dad
0:16:36 > 0:16:39for two minutes... tongues and groping.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Well, that's tricky. He's such a handsome man. This is us.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- 6.- 6.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- I thought it would look more like a shop.- Yeah, a bit more.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52- All right, into the abyss. - All right, I've got your back.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Sort of.- Don't touch it. - In a way.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00HE KNOCKS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT", PETE CLAPS "TWO BITS"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Old classic. - PETE LAUGHS
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Ah, gentlemen! - Mr St Aubrey.- How do you do?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Mr Chadwick.- Hello. Mr Pete. - How do you do?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Please, come in. Come in. - Thank you very much.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13MUSIC PLAYING
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Wow.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- There they are. - PETE LAUGHS
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Call off the search. We found 'em. - No.- The entire Chadwick clan.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Still got it. - Thank God 3-D is new.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Gentlemen.- Hey.- We're in here.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Lovely. Thanks.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Could I interest you in a little lunch?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You know what? I just had an Egg McMuffin on the tube.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I'm gonna say no. I'm sure Pete will tuck in willingly.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- When in Rome...- Well, if you change your mind, please feel free.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Thank you very much.- Shall we get down to business?- Yes, indeed.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49This, I believe, is my great-grandpapa.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50My goodness me!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Your great-grandpapa would appear to be a full field marshal.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- I did not know that. - Didn't you?- No.- Yes, indeed.
0:17:57 > 0:18:03But the real source of interest for me has to be hopefully contained
0:18:03 > 0:18:05on the back of the photograph.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07As I thought... Graysons of Brighton,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10an extremely popular studio in the southeast of England.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Oh, I see. - Graysons of... They're the best.
0:18:12 > 0:18:19And with a little aid, we can establish the photograph was taken
0:18:19 > 0:18:23in 19...02!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Excellent.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Now, what I need to do is just... - HE GRUNTS
0:18:28 > 0:18:31..take hold of this.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34That's not a real book.
0:18:34 > 0:18:3719... Ah, 1902. Here we start.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39The name again, please.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Chadwick.- Chadwick.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Chadwick, Chadwick, Chadwick, Chadwick.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47No. No such luck. Let's hope that 1902 extends.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50No, I'm afraid to say that there is no Chadwick.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52But all is not lost.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Because the studio itself was so popular,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57they had a habit of subcontracting...
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Right. - ..those out to other studios.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03So with a little more research,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I'm sure I can come up with further information.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08OK, OK. Great.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12So please leave me, like a dog, to snuffle around.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- All right.- Oh, right.- Thank you.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16It totally makes sense to me.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I've always had kind of a military air about me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- PETE LAUGHS - What?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22How? How have you had a military air about you?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Well, my bravery, my kind of innate courage.- Bravery?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26What courage and innate bravery?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- I was the first out of our group to wear skinny jeans.- You might...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Let me paint you a picture, tough guy.
0:19:31 > 0:19:341992, we were both young men of 12 years of age,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38we've just seen Spurs beat Arsenal at White Hart Lane.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40You're giving it all to Billy Big Bollocks.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Cut to you getting chased down Seven Sisters Road
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- pursued by a bunch of gooners. - Yeah, there was, like, 10 of them.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49There were THREE of them and they were eight years old, bruv.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52PHONE HONKING Oh, text alert.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- They were behind enemy lines. I didn't...- It's Natalie.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Oh! Ellie would love to go on a date with you.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00It's on. It's on like Donkey Kong.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Come on, you're going on a date, big boy.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05TOM GROANS You might get some "actione."
0:20:05 > 0:20:08ELLIE: So how far do you go back?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Like, into the...? - I'm really sorry. Into the past.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12How many ancestors away do you go?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Oh. That's a good question, Ellie.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I'm not sure how far back the records and stuff go...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I mean how far back is it recorded?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Back to sort of dinosaur times or...?
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- I mean, that sounds really stupid, doesn't it?- No, no.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- No, no, really, it sounded really stupid.- A slip of the tongue.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I didn't mean that anyway. Cos dinosaurs... Obviously,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Some dinosaurs still exist, so that would only be going back,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37like, 10 years or whatever. You know what I mean.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Sorry, what?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Sorry?- Dinosaurs still exist? - Mm, yeah.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I know some people still think they don't exist, right?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Some people don't think...? - Some people don't.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Right. - But most people do, I think.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Because, I mean... obviously, they do,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55because birds are a type of dinosaur, so...
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- Mm-hm.- And, um...and, you know, they still exist in Africa,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02because there's been loads of sightings of dinosaurs in Africa.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03HE COUGHS
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- There are, like, big birds.- Mm-hm.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Apart from all of that, apart from Africa
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- and everything like that, there's the, um...- Yeah.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12The Loch Ness Monster.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16And that's actually... That isn't a lie, is it?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Because obviously people have photos of the Loch Ness Monster.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- That's right.- And the 1930s... they didn't have Photoshop.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Not really.- They didn't even have iPads or anything.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- No, they didn't have any of that stuff.- So they couldn't actually...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29you know, they couldn't Photoshop it,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- so it's obviously actual photos. - Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33And that's not... I mean, that's not a fish, is it?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- It's a dinosaur. - It's not a fish, certainly.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It's probably... like you said, it's probably...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- a bloody dinosaur, isn't it? - I don't know, actually,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43where the Loch Ness Monster is, but it's somewhere in Scotland.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Probably in Loch Ness, isn't it? - SHE LAUGHS
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- I think that's where...where it is. - I think that Loch Ness is its name.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I think that it's in Edinburgh or Dublin.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54You think that Loch Ness is the name of the actual creature?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Yeah, that's why it's called the Loch Ness Monster.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00You're probably...probably right. I hadn't really thought about it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- DEEP VOICE:- Harold Chadwick.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29PHONE RINGS
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Hello?- Ah, you're there.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Neville St Aubrey here.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Hey, Mr St Aubrey.- How are you? - I'm really great. How are you?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I'm extremely well. Um, I've made a discovery.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Ooh.- Which I'm certain will be of the utmost interest to you.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I'm reluctant to go into any further detail over the phone.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Sure.- But I'm in London and would love to meet you
0:22:54 > 0:22:56at your earliest possible convenience.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Uh, I can meet you in a half an hour.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00That will be excellent.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- I'm sorry I'm late.- Oh, not at all, not at all.- I had a little thing.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07- This is so exciting.- Yes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I'm so glad you could be here.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Just hold on one second. Can I just get a cup of tea?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- Yeah.- Any pastries? Actually, it doesn't matter. Go on.- Yes.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18The discovery I've made is that the man in the photograph
0:23:18 > 0:23:22that you showed me the other day was none other than Prince George,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- the Duke of Cambridge. - Shut the front door.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30- Yes.- Harry was a royal. That makes a lot of sense.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Unfortunately, it is not your great-grandfather
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Harry Chadwick.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- It's not?- No.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Aw, shit.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Why did...why did Victoria have the photo?
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Because your great-grandfather Harry Chadwick TOOK the photograph.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Harry was a photographer? - He was indeed.- Oh.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And he is in the catalogue of photographers
0:23:53 > 0:23:56that worked from that studio at that time.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59And I am pleased to be able to show you
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- a picture of your great-grandfather...- Oh, great!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Harry Chadwick.- Yes.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Oh, sorry. Wrong page.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Oh. - HE LAUGHS
0:24:16 > 0:24:18There he is...
0:24:18 > 0:24:21your great-grandfather.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It's a Chinese man.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Yes.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Hence his name... Harry Chadwick.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I'll take that carrot cake, thanks.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39# When I found you, I found myself
0:24:39 > 0:24:43# I was gonna love you like nobody else
0:24:43 > 0:24:47# But I never really had a clue
0:24:47 > 0:24:52# How to love a girl like you
0:24:52 > 0:24:57# Two true believers, we devised
0:24:57 > 0:25:01# A temporary paradise
0:25:01 > 0:25:05# Now our future's in the past
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# I should have known
0:25:08 > 0:25:12# It wouldn't last
0:25:12 > 0:25:16# I should have been a better man
0:25:16 > 0:25:20# You could have been a better friend
0:25:20 > 0:25:25# I'm alone but that's OK
0:25:25 > 0:25:31# I guess the dice just rolled that way. #