0:00:03 > 0:00:05My job was risk assessment.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08So, I got made redundant from that.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Victoria had two brothers. William and Brian.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13One that could do no right and one that could do no wrong,
0:00:13 > 0:00:14and that was William.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- You know who Brian is?- I never met him until my dad's funeral.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Never saw him again.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21My great grandfather, Harry Chadwick?
0:00:21 > 0:00:24He was the back end of a pantomime horse!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I think I can say he was the best.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30And his partner, Sid Balducci, was the front end!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32The real reason Harry and Sid fell out, was because Elsie,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Harry's wife, had an affair with Sid.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Contains some strong language.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45GAMES CONSOLE BEEPS
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Alistair Chadwick, Jr.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Glendale, California.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02He's got a phone number on here.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04His number's on here, Pete.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Good.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Do you know who I'm talking about?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Yeah, the, um...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12the bloke you're always talking about.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- That's right. I thought you weren't listening.- No. God, no.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Hello.- Hello.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- This is...- Oh.- ..Thomas Chadwick.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24I'm looking to speak to Alistair Chadwick Jr.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27This is a voicemail. I just realised.
0:01:27 > 0:01:33I am a... your relative in London, England.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38And I have got your details from tracemypast.net.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43We're spawned from the great Chadwick oak.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47So let's chat about how great that is. Thank you very much.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- IN AMERICAN ACCENT:- Y'all have a nice...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51come back and see us, now. You hear?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- They'll love that.- Yeah. - That was your out.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56They probably thought I was an idiot until they heard that.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And then they're like, "Oh, he's just one of us."
0:01:58 > 0:01:59One of the gang.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Oh, f...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02You've made me crash.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- These are so old. - Oh, Tom, you'll never guess
0:02:08 > 0:02:11what old muggins here has got to do this week.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Uh, finishing primary school. - No.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- Um, you're going dogging in Kew Gardens.- No, you won't guess.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I have got to get alpaca spoo
0:02:19 > 0:02:22to inseminate a hembra.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Typical me.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26I... I mean, I didn't understand any of it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I've got to get spoo from an alpaca...
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Spoo?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Spoo. Spoo.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36You know, spoo, spunk, jizz,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- cock snot, baby batter, nut butter. - Semen.- Semen.- Yep.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- That's another one. - I'm familiar with it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Yeah, so I've got to get alpaca spoo
0:02:43 > 0:02:46to inseminate a hembra, a female alpaca,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48and have a baby.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And what's a baby alpaca called?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Oh, God! It's the new Sherlock Holmes.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57That's an unusual name.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You seem a bit preoccupied, Holmes.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Do you notice anything unusual, Watson?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04It does seem a bit hot in here.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Your capacity for gauging the subtle changes
0:03:06 > 0:03:09in your own body temperature is admirable, Watson,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11but the warmth you are feeling is the result of having
0:03:11 > 0:03:14more Marmite than usual on your sandwich at lunch.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And as a doctor, you would know that yeast extract
0:03:16 > 0:03:18contains a high amount of niacin,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20which has caused you to experience a slight heat flash.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24However, my concerns
0:03:24 > 0:03:27are somewhat more cosmic in nature.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I don't understand.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- What are you doing? - Getting my DNA
0:03:32 > 0:03:34to speed up the whole family tree thing.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Yeah? Give us a go.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It kind of defeats the purpose if you use the same...
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I want to do it. Why can't I do it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46All right.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Yeah, OK.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58- Could we be related?- I don't think so.- I hope not.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I'm no button expert. I've never claimed to be one.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06But I think these are American. It's got an eagle on it
0:04:06 > 0:04:09and it says "quality" on the back.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12So it can't be made in England.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15These people are American... Charles and Rebecca Chadwick.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17But they left America.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20When everybody else from England and Ireland were on ships
0:04:20 > 0:04:24heading over to the East Coast, Charles and Rebecca Chadwick
0:04:24 > 0:04:26came from America on their own
0:04:26 > 0:04:28to spawn Harry Chadwick, my great-granddad,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31and later me and all of these guys
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and this guy, Brian, my great-uncle.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And later his sons Graham Chadwick
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and Ronnie Chadwick, who I've tracked down.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And they run a farm in Derbyshire.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I'm going to go and see them, cos I want answers.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Think this is good? - Yeah, I'm not sure, Tommy.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I think this might be more Warwickshire
0:04:53 > 0:04:55or Leicestershire than Derbyshire.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I just want to make sure that I fit in. This is nice.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Did I tell you that I met Sarah at Sainsbury's?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It was good. Really nice.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03The first time since...?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yeah, first time since we broke up.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07So it was good. She was looking well. She was looking...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Um, she was with someone.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Some guy called Clint. - Clint?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It was closure, actually. It felt nice.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Although she did do this thing where she'd...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18that kind of, you know... "Hey, Tom," you know?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20She'd kind of drop her head to one side.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I'm like, "I'm not having that."
0:05:22 > 0:05:24So then I was like, "Oh, I'm fine. How are you?"
0:05:24 > 0:05:25She was wearing red lipstick.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I used to love when she would wear red lipstick.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30She would never wear it for me
0:05:30 > 0:05:32because she thought it looked too slutty.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34She would wear this pale pink shit.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36But, no, Clint likes red lipstick, so she's all over it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39She looks like a big sexy clown mouth. I think this is good.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44I like the hat. Just top it off. What do you reckon?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- You want my honest opinion? - Yeah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- You look like a grade-A cock, man. - That's great.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Thanks for coming in, Mr Chadwick. - Sure. Sure, no problem.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Are you familiar with the new software?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01The new software...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Which... which one would be the new software?
0:06:03 > 0:06:09The industry standard software that we all have to use now.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15We were more hands-on. We would use models and...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18So you don't know how to use the software?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24No.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28All right. Um...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Please give me the job.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Right, come on in, Taurus.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Step one. Impregnation.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Getting you in the mood...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46for lovemaking.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh, look at her. Eh?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51You know she's got a really long neck
0:06:51 > 0:06:56and little, short, stubby legs and a great big arse.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I don't know what's up with Taurus.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01He might not be ready to be a dad.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Do you know what? If someone was...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Cos I was there watching him, telling him to get hard.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And that's... that's an added level
0:07:08 > 0:07:12of pressure and anxiety
0:07:12 > 0:07:15that no bloke needs, and no-one wants that to happen.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17But I imagine being a dad.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19How cool would that be?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I'd love to be a dad.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I mean, I've got to find the right girl first.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27None of the girls I'm seeing at the moment are...
0:07:27 > 0:07:33they're not mother material. Well, one of them is a mother.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36But the hers are like 16 and 18.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I met her at an over-40s night in Catford.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And she's a terrible mom, actually.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46I mean, so I wouldn't... none of the ones I'm seeing would be...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48but if I meet the right girl, I'm happy to have a baby.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53It'd be a little babe... and I'd wear it on a papoose
0:07:53 > 0:07:56and then I'd push him on the swings and the roundabouts.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Then I'd have a go, cos I still love playgrounds,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02especially when drunk.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I get a bit nervous once we get out of town, you know?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13I don't trust nature. It's anarchy.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I wonder why Brian and William fell out.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Could be a million things.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- MONKEY:- Maybe he was locked in an attic.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Didn't get out much. Ate cat food.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Mildred said that one of them could do no good
0:08:33 > 0:08:35and one of them could do no bad.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- What does that mean? - I don't know.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's probably something very mundane.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Has someone farted? - Monkey!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- I farted. - No, that's her lunch.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51PHONE RINGS Ooh.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Sorry.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- What's up? - Al.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Remember I was telling you about Al in California?- Yeah.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00He just text... he's going to...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02he's going to call me later.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- What's his relation to us? - Oh, God.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07He's...he'd be your...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09a third cousin of yours.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14- Aye.- Yeah. He seems really nice. - Uh-oh.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Bea, stop car, please. - Uh-oh, that's her number two face.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- I think you'd better pull over. - Stop car.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Sausage need to leave me. Stop car!
0:09:22 > 0:09:23I'm going to. I'm going to.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Look for a place to pull over, Bea. - Hurry, hurry!- All right! Calm down!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Jesus Christ!- I need to go! - Shut up!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50God, that is a primitive woman.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Oh.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"I think that I shall never see
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"A poem as lovely as a tree.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"Poems are made by fools like me,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"But only God can make a tree."
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I didn't write that.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08It's just... that was written by...
0:10:08 > 0:10:13LUBA SHOUTS OUT IN MOLDOVAN
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Trees are great.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- All good?- Yes.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I think you're missing something.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Didn't you have the complete set?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yeah?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Christ.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Good-bye Kitty.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39"Preparing the AV device.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"Semen can be collected in several ways.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45"There's the use of an artificial vagina..."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"Which is what AV stand... artificial vagina.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51"...electro ejaculator, or by massaging by hand."
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Mm-mm. I'll go with the artificial vagina.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Right.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Well, this must be it.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- MONKEY:- Oh, hallelujah.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Ey up. You all right? - You must be Graham.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- I'm Graham, yeah.- I'm your cousin Keith.- Keith.- I'm the city mouse.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- My wife Luba.- Luba. - Do what, love?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Luba.- Oh, right.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35- Yeah.- Orange head.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Here's Bea. - Hello. How are you?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38- And this is Tom.- Hello.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Hiya.- Bloody hell, you're a size, ain't you?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- I'm a big fella. - Ey up. I'm Emma.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Hello.- What's all this, then?- Hello, everybody.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Emma, Carol, Henry, down there's Sweet Pea.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Aw.- Remember that cos there'll be a test later.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- THEY LAUGH - Yeah.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Right, well, you guys better... are you all right to take them?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Where are they going? - Cinema.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Cinema's fun, isn't it? - Do you want to come inside?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- That'd be great.- Why don't you come and meet...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Ronnie's in the barn, so you might as well come and...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- I'll say hi to Ronnie. - We'll see you in a bit.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Will you put the kettle on, Graham, for...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Oh, right, yeah.- Where is pig?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14She wants to meet your pig. She's mad for pigs.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17So you've been up in Derbyshire before, then?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I don't believe so. I don't believe so.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21The air is very distinctive.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Yeah, it's the manure, I'm afraid.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Ronnie? - Yeah?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Tom's here. - Oh, Tom! You made it.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- I did. Look at all these. - How lovely to meet you.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Is there a problem? Why don't you...?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I'm joking. It's just one of the old...
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Oh.- He does that every time.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46- Yeah.- Every time.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I left your dad making tea, so it's going to be a disaster.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- See you later.- OK, thank you.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Well, welcome. - Look at all those lovely ladies.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Lovely ladies, yeah. And they're all pregnant, actually.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- How can you tell? - Ah, well, there you go. You see?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Oh, you put your hand up them, don't you?- Put your hand up.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02That's what we've been doing for the last two days.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Do they have funny eating habits when they're pregnant?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07No. Like, are they like, "I don't want straw,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"I want avocado mousse and vanilla yogurt"?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12No.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Do you keep any of that close by in case?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16No. No.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18No, they just stay with the hay.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20That's... yeah.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, that's a handsome woman, that is.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Yeah. Yeah.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Sorry. Very sorry.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Well, you know what they say...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"rooster today, feather duster tomorrow."
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- More truth in poetry there. A shame.- Yeah.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- How'd she go, then? - Lung cancer.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Was she a smoker? - Like a fucking chimney.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Yeah, I gave them up myself. Yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Well, it's...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Is that "Move Along, Please!"?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Yeah. - That's my favourite programme.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Go on.- Yeah. Richard Breen.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Oh, there's a funny man.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Richard...? - Richard Breen.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- Richard Breen, yeah. - You know, Sergeant Biggins.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- I do, yeah. Keith. Eh. - What?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- You don't... get out of here. - THEY LAUGH
0:14:13 > 0:14:14- May I? - Yeah. Easy, easy.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18There he is. There's Sergeant Biggins.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Rare as rocking horse shit, that.- I'll bet.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- How did you score this? - Swapped it for Julie Andrews.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Well, you came out ahead, didn't you?- Yeah, no contest.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Small world, eh?- Yeah.- Isn't that funny?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31The two of us have something like this?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32I know. It's amazing, ain't it?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35When you came up from London, I thought, "Oh, fuckin' hell."
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Knee deep in cow shit. I didn't know what to expect.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Why don't you fire one up? Just put one in.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43- You want to see one?- Why not?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45They'll be busy in there for hours.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- I were watching it only last night.- Were you?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49You gotta guess which episode.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50All right. I'm fairly confident.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52How many seconds?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Give me five.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- I'll give you three.- All right. Here we go. All right?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58How do these look?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- "Stakeout."- Oh! What?!- Series two. - That's a record!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05THEY LAUGH I'm on two seconds.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06I love this one.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Does he wear orange well or what? THEY LAUGH
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- I love this bit. I love this bit.- Yeah.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Excuse me, miss.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Can you direct me to the nearest muffler shop?
0:15:18 > 0:15:23No, but I can help you clean your exhaust pipe.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- PC Dawson?- PC Dawson?!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Sergeant Biggins? - Sergeant Biggins?!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You idiot.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Tonight is the prossy sting.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Ah, Keith, mate!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42All right.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Why your cabbage so small?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47It's a Brussels sprout.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- It's a Brussels sprout. - Witch put curse on cabbage.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh, no, they're lovely. They're lovely. You should try them.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- No.- Don't worry, she's hard to please.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59What are you doing with this? What is it?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- It's my dress. - You steal from gypsy?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04No, it's... I'm being a maid in it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07It's for the feast of St Krakowitz.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Oh, right. - You know, in the village?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11What's that... the feast?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12We've done it for, like, centuries.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16It's, like, we've got loads of fun for all the fam.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18They've got coconut shies.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22They've got the stocks, you know, where we throw tomatoes.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26You must have heard of the Riddle Stomp Flap, yeah?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- No.- No? Oh, it's ever so funny.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It's from, like, the 13th century or something.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31But they do the dan... like,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"One, two, three, huh! One, two, three, huh!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:38And then on the third "huh," you kicks someone else up the bum.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- This your festival?- Yeah, yeah.- Not very good.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44In Moldova we have Festival of Life...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Targul de Fete. It very, very good.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49All the virgin, they go up to mountain
0:16:49 > 0:16:51to see magic chicken
0:16:51 > 0:16:54who give magic egg to virgin.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Then all men come and they sing
0:16:56 > 0:17:01and dance and drink and eat all night.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04At miezul noptii... is midnight...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06virgin put egg in mouth.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10In morning, sun come up, take egg from mouth.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15If egg no broke, she virgin. They love for ever and marry.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20If egg broke, she not a virgin. She prostituta.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22He throw big cabbage at her head.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27And baby dragon, he come out of egg and eat dirty lady face.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34- Well, sounds lovely.- It very fun. You must come.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Let's take this one up here.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- If you'd just grab him... - I get to hold him?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Yeah, you get to hold him.- Oh, my God! Wow!- There you go.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Oh, hello. Hello, little fella. - Very good.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Now hold him tight, and with your other hand we just want you to...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48with... with these.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50What are those for?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53For castrating the... castrating the lambs.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Shut the fuck up. - No, it's what we've gotta do.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Because we're rearing these for meat.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- That seems... that seems really intense.- Oh, I know.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Well, it's really a lot more civilised
0:18:06 > 0:18:07than what we used to do... bricking.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- What's bricking? - You just get two bricks,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11any kind of bricks, household bricks, and...
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- really give them a...- Got it.- Yeah? - Yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"Smash, crackle, and pop" we used to call it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- That's cute. - Yeah, you like that?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20So get a good hold of that and, like I say, clamp on,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22twist and pull in a clean motion,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24so you get them... you pop them both off.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Got it?- It's farming, isn't it? - That's it. This is it.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"Be bold, bloody, and resolute,"
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Shakespeare, I think, said...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33So, yeah. No time like the present.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- I can feel its heart beat. - Yeah, I bet you can.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- I need toilet.- Sorry?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Is there a loo out here or anything?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Sure, yeah. There's one in the barn. - I'm just going to do that first.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- You don't want to do...? - No, I can... I need to toilet.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- I need to do it. Sorry. - Hand him back. There we go.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53But these will be waiting for you on your return.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- He's saying, "You've gotta nip these off."- Yeah.- "My little nuts."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Ugh! Don't look at me.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Don't look at me!
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Ugh!
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- MOBILE RINGS - Oh, God. Why now? Why...?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Hello? - Hey, Pete. It's Tom.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Tommy! Ha-ha. You all right, mate?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Yeah. Um, quick question.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- I'm at the farm in Derbyshire.- Mm-hmm.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19And the farmer wants me to castrate a lamb.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21We've all got problems, mate.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- I'm trying to bring off an alpaca into a tube. - ALPACA GROANS
0:19:24 > 0:19:25I wish I couldn't see what I can see now.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- OK, I don't want to...- I've been doing it for 40 minutes.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Feels like my arm's going to fall off.- OK... PHONE RINGS
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Oh, hey, wait... wait a sec...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You know what, Pete? I'm going to have to call you back.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I've got another call coming through.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Oh, yeah. No, go.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Hello!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Hello there.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Tom, hi. It's Al.- And it's your cousin Kitty.- From California.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Hi!- Hello!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Great to finally meet you via satellite.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I know. This is exciting.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02It's nice and clear.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03I didn't think we'd see you so good
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- through all that pea soup fog in Old Blighty there.- Yeah! HE LAUGHS
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It looks so... it looks so bright there.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Well, we're in California, so it's very, very sunny.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It's morning and it's sunny
0:20:14 > 0:20:16and we just picked some fruit and ate it.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, I love fruit. I love fruit, Al.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Yeah. We pick it in the yard cos we've got orange trees and...
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- We've got lots of trees. - You've got fruit in your yard?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- You should come see it.- Don't say that, Al, cos I will come.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- You should! Come stay with us. - We'd love it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30You're a saviour. That would be terrific.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I'll e-mail you some dates and you pick. We're serious. Come on down.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Come "across the pond," as they say.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Hop on over.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Give us a tinkle first and let us know when.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41OK.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46- It's funny. England is funny.- It is. - Listen, we'll e-mail.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49THEY LAUGH
0:20:49 > 0:20:53All right. Sorry, you're breaking up a tiny bit. Thank you so much.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- OK. Cheers! OK. - Cheers!- Cheerio!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Bye... - He's nice.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00He IS nice.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Ah, here he is. Man of the hour.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11All right. Here we go.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- Remember what I said? Good purchase, twist and pull.- Yeah.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- All right.- All right. LAMB BLEATS
0:21:18 > 0:21:20OK.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Yeah, I don't think I can castrate a lamb today, Ronnie.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26HE LAUGHS
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- What?- Tom, I wasn't going to make you do it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31They don't even do it like this any more.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- You were just messing with me? - Yes.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Oh.- That's not funny.- Well, it's quite funny.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- A bit of farmyard humour. Gets us through the day. - HE LAUGHS
0:21:41 > 0:21:43If I could walk like that, I wouldn't need talcum powder.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Did you bring your truncheon with you?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51No.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Laughter's the best medicine, isn't it?- I wet myself sometimes. Yeah.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- The older you get, the easier it is to wet yourself.- Yeah.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Oh, God.- He's a genius, he is, this man.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- That's funny stuff. - If only coppers were like that today
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- like they was then. - What, dressed up in frocks?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- You don't mean that.- No, no. I mean, you know, real coppers.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16They were different then.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18That's the greatest bunch in the world, police.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Oh, they're a bunch of wazzocks now.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Listen, that's the toughest job in the world
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and that's the toughest bunch, and they do a great job.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Mm. I think we might disagree on this, Keith.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I think we might.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36We beseech Thee, Lord, send us less rain
0:22:36 > 0:22:40and protect us from BVD, bluetongue
0:22:40 > 0:22:41and trypanosomiasis.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Thank You.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Amen.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Please, help yourselves. Get the...
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Speaking of grace, do you know why God made farts smell?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54- For the deaf.- Ahem.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55HE LAUGHS
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Aw, Dad.- It was a joke.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- So, um, Luba, is it? - Yes.
0:23:04 > 0:23:10I've just finished reading Salman Rushdie's latest...
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- I'm allergic to fish. - Right.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16So, you remember I said I was looking into
0:23:16 > 0:23:19my family past or our family past?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Uh-huh.- Well, turns out that William and Brian,
0:23:23 > 0:23:27our grandfathers, had a bit of a falling out.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31And I don't really know what it was about. Do you have any idea?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34You want to hear about the dark side of Derbyshire Chadwicks, don't you?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- That'd be great.- Right, you'll like this, Keith.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- Will I? - Keith's dad William
0:23:38 > 0:23:41and my dad Brian, they were brothers, right? Right.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44And one day, William decided to tell Brian something
0:23:44 > 0:23:47which he should have kept to hisself.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51And it was who was Brian's real dad.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- It wasn't...? Sorry, wasn't Harry his dad?- No, it weren't.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Shut up. - No, no, no, no.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Now, you see, Harry and Sid Balducci
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- were part of the horse. - Yeah.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Yeah. Harry were back end. - Right.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Sid were front end.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Harry were married to Elsie.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- But they all went around together, you know.- Yeah.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Well, one day, Sid and Elsie... how shall I put it?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- She got front-ended, yeah. - She got front-ended
0:24:17 > 0:24:20and result was a lot of little redheads.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Are you sure about this? - Am I sure?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I'll show you something, shall I?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27See this?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Sid Balducci. - Sid Balducci.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33We don't come from the arse end of the horse.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35We come from front end, don't we, lad?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38So not to put too fine a point on it...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40the redheads are bastards.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Food was shit.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Yes. Come away, Bea.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Say goodbye. Yeah, yeah.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Thank you so much.- No, not at all. Thank you.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And, you know, feel free to...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57if you want to get your hands dirty again on the farm,
0:24:57 > 0:24:58- you know where to come.- Sure.- We should hit the road.- Yeah.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Very interesting meeting you all. Safe journey.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Do you think we need to tell them...?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04- No, I think they... - But if they go...
0:25:04 > 0:25:06No, they found their way here.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I'm sure they can find their way back.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13If I had to be somewhere for eternity,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- this would be all right, eh? - Yeah.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19There they are. The ginger Chadwicks.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22That's my grandmother on the end.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- How do you say that? - Bunica.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- My bunica there. - Hello.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30And there's Uncle Brian, mysterious Uncle Brian,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33and a woman named Sophia on top of him.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35You're next, Keith.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38You're not wrong. Hardly worth the trip home.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I don't think I want to be a farmer now, actually.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47They seem to be either too posh
0:25:47 > 0:25:50or... or too angry.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52At this stage I'm more interested in
0:25:52 > 0:25:54taking up Al on his offer
0:25:54 > 0:25:58of checking out California.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You know? A bit of sun, sea...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05And their other stuff.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I might be able to find out why Charles moved
0:26:10 > 0:26:12from America to England.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Idiot.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22# When I found you, I found myself
0:26:22 > 0:26:26# I was going to love you like nobody else
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# But I never really had a clue
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# How to love a girl like you
0:26:34 > 0:26:39# Two true believers, we devised
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# A temporary paradise
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# Now our future is in the past
0:26:47 > 0:26:51# I should have known
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# It wouldn't last
0:26:55 > 0:26:59# I should have been a better man
0:26:59 > 0:27:03# You could have been a better friend
0:27:03 > 0:27:07# I'm alone, but that's OK
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# I guess the dice
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# Just rolled that way. #
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- How are you?- I'm in America! - Hey! In America!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29So the school you went to, was it like Hogwarts?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30You, sir, deliver a juicy sausage!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You can see the marks on the side of the meat
0:27:32 > 0:27:34from when the jockey was whipping it.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Can I talk to Bea? - Oh, she's sleeping.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Do you have a special lady in your life?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I'm Stan Laurel. She's Hardy.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I can start a fire with a garlic press and some bear scat.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Tom! Bend over and put your hands on your knees!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Not the first time you've heard that, huh?! - HE LAUGHS