0:00:02 > 0:00:03Kim is at home with a bad migraine.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Migraines are very painful, particularly for me,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- because that means there'll be no hanky-panky tonight.- Oh.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Your cousins are sick, man. They've got a Jacuzzi.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- This is pleasant. - Aah!
0:00:12 > 0:00:17- Wow! It's a "she", right? - I haven't looked under the hood.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19As dates go, that was pretty good.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21It can't go anywhere, I'm leaving in a couple of weeks.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23This is my great-great-grandmother.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25That's Rebecca, with her family - the Schmelffs.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29- That sounds very Jewishy. - MONKEY:- I love Jesus.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31A tremendous Jew - Jesus.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Your great-uncle Ezra Schmelff was a film star - Tumbleweed Tim.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39This programme contains some strong language
0:00:39 > 0:00:44This programme contains scenes of a sexual nature
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- Ah, living the dream. - This is gorgeous.- Good, isn't it?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- MONKEY:- What is Tom doing with that genealogy crap?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I know, but he likes all that shit, doesn't he?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- I guess so. - And we can just chill out.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- We can get a nice tan, go a bit brown.- Oh, you're going red.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- I'm not...yes. MONKEY:- That's rouge.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02I have to go red and peel before I go brown. It's a genetic thing.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03- MONKEY:- What factor have you got on there?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Hell-hello. Excuse me.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Can I just say, that is a very eloquent bikini.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Have you got the time?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Because by my watch,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I make it feeding time at the you.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- MONKEY:- Oh, sweet Jesus.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Back at home I work in a zoo.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23So I'll do it again. Have you got the time?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Because by my watch, it's feeding time at the you.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I hate to watch you...go.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31But I love to look at that.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, you can't talk to women like that.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's something lost in translation.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36- MONKEY:- She was a slut anyway. - Exactly.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- No, that's not relevant. - She led me on! She led me on!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- TOM:- How long have you worked here, Ally?- Three years.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Do you find that being around the books makes you more clever?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49No, actually. I feel like all the ideas have been written already.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52These are audio books. Good for you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- CDs are the future. - Picture books.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58You know, I just read this great novel.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It's like a romance thing, I suppose.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Um, it's about this...it's like a love triangle
0:02:04 > 0:02:06between this girl and this guy,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08but she likes this other guy.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10So it never really works out.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, and one of them is a vampire and the other one's a wolf.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14BOTH LAUGH
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Um, it's hard.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- It's Twilight, yeah. - Twilight, yeah.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- Yeah.- You've heard of it?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Yes.- Yeah. It's really good.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22So, we have the largest section
0:02:22 > 0:02:25of Native American books in the city.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26- Oh.- It's our claim to fame here.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I don't need to read the book, I've lived the life.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Let me ask you this,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36do you have any interest in seeing some memorabilia
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- from a Jewish cowboy in the '20s? - Yes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39HE LAUGHS
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- That was quick. - I love Jews, I love cowboys.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Well, you are in for a treat
0:02:43 > 0:02:46because I have to meet my cousin Melvin Schmelff.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47- He's got a bunch of... - Schmelff?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50That's right. I'd love you to tag along.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I would really love that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I'm supposed to get off in, like, an hour.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But it's really slow, so I can...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- What if I buy a book? - OK.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- I can fill your quota. - Yeah. Yeah, actually...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I'll buy anything. Don't really have a...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'll take that.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Oh, shoot.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06You know what, that's good
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- because I've only got the audio book of this.- Oh.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13HE EXHALES
0:03:13 > 0:03:15She has such lovely hair.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I'll take that for my friend Pete.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19SHE LAUGHS
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- He's into pictures. - Right.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26BOTH LAUGH
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Can we eat? I'm starving. - Yes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Do you reckon they do kebabs? MONKEY:- I want a lager.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33But I just want to go and try some clothes on first.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Is that all right? Do you mind? - Yeah.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36- MONKEY:- I'm not clothes shopping.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Excuse me. Do I have to book to eat here, or is it...?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Oh, no, no. Sit anywhere you like.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Great. Can I sit there? - Yep.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- What about in the shade? - Yeah, yeah.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- Or inside?- Yeah, anywhere.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Well, what about the one right at the end?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- What are you doing? - Anywhere?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- I can sit anywhere? - Yeah.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Brilliant. Do you do doner kebabs?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I don't think so.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Do you do scampi and chips?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04We have a menu. I'll just show that to you.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Do you do steak and ale pie with mash?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Well, I have a menu. - But you serve tea, right?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Proper builder's tea.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Do you do ham and cheese toasties?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I love ham and I love cheese.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Chips, right?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18He's gone.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19I don't know where to sit now.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20MUSIC BLARES
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- MONKEY:- I hate clothes shopping. - BEA:- Ooh, and look at these hats.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Do you reckon I could pull off that hat?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- MONKEY:- Is that a euphemism?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- MAN:- Coming.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Hi, I'm Tom.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34This is my good friend Ally.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35- Hi, nice to meet you. - Hi. Come on in.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Thank you, Mr Schmelff. - Relax a little bit.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Awfully sorry my wife can't be here.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41She's with her mom and she came home from surgery.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42- Oh, wow.- Oh, I'm sorry.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45She had a tummy tuck, an eye job, and a butt reduction. She's OK.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- And here we are. - Oh, look at this.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48- Wow!- That's him.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Tumbleweed Tim. - ALLY: I can see the resemblance.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- You see something there? - Yeah.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54That's his great-great-uncle and that is my grandfather.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Wow.- He looks so manly.- Handsome.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Well, he was very thoughtful.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Oh. - He was a very pensive cowboy.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03He's got his gun, he's got his chaps,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06and he's staring out over at his things.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Oh.- I'd love to show you them.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09- It's the hat.- Yeah, that's the hat.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Yeah? It's good.- Now that's hot.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- You were cute before, but this is...- Right?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- I'm joining the family. - Be very careful, if you don't mind.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17You can wear the gloves. Be very gentle.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- OK.- OK?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20- Look at these.- These are spurs.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Made specially. - And what's the squiggles?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The little squiggles is Hebrew and it says "Mazel tov".
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Mazel tov. - You know what that means?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Good luck. - Good luck. Well, that makes sense.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Good luck to you. - Did he wear these in the films?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- He never wore them in movies. - Why is that?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Well, you know, it was the '20s
0:05:34 > 0:05:36and you couldn't really be a Jewish cowboy.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39But he wasn't ashamed of being Jewish. He did wear them at home all the time.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Oh, his wife, that was a big bone of contention.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Can we put them back?- Yeah, sure. - Thank you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46These were the boots that he wore in every...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Yes, we'll put the... - I'm good.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You know what, I've got such a big cranium.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52It's not a bad thing to put it down.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- I'll put it down. Why not? - I'm sorry.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57These are the boots that he wore basically in every movie.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- Wow. - And they're quite amazing.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- There's a little of an odour in there.- Jesus Christ!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- But smell. Get a whiff. - Whew.- Prepare.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04- Wow.- Oh, God.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05I'm going to try it once.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, my God! It's worse than I remember.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08They smell like 50 years of work.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09That was 50 years...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Well, it would have been 50 years of work.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15He was the best riding cowboy in the business.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17He was one of the few Western stars
0:06:17 > 0:06:19who could do a horseback ride
0:06:19 > 0:06:21and a shoot-out at the same time.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22It was very, very difficult.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24He was galloping and galloping and galloping
0:06:24 > 0:06:26and shooting and shooting and shooting.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29He survived the horse riding and shooting, but he couldn't survive the scandal.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- What scandal? - I'll tell you about it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33See this name? Madge Dubois.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Oh, my God, she was gorgeous. She was so beautiful.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I think she was in three of his pictures.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Oh, he was so devoted to Madge Dubois.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41He got into a love scandal.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42TOM EXHALES Wow.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44It was actually a love triangle.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Really more of a quadrangle.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It was Tumbleweed Tim, an unidentified party,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Sagebrush Sam, also known as Backdoor Billy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- TOM:- Oh, is he...? - We won't go into that.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Yeah. - She's discovered dead in the alley.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57ALLY: No.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00She's been poisoned, strangled, suffocated, and shot,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02and they can't figure out how she died.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- It was probably one of those things.- It may have been.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- But they never pinned it on anybody. - Right.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Tumbleweed was innocent. - Do you know that?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Let's just say he didn't do it and move on.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Nobody was blamed for it. - The scandal killed him.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Yes, the scandal killed him.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15And that's it. Kaput.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17So he never made it to the talkies?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Well, he actually... he did a screen test
0:07:20 > 0:07:23for a television series in the '50s called Saloon.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Wait a minute, here. I'm going to pull it up for you.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28BEEPS
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- HEBREW ACCENT:- Let me tell you something, Mr Big Shot,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34if you're not out of this town by the last stage,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I will personally organise a necktie party for you myself.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Such a shame that scandal stopped him having a career in the talkies.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43You think I'm bluffing? Oh, look who's being...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Think we can turn it off now?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46- Yes.- You're going to be in Boot Hill so fast,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48your head will be spinning.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- BEA:- How much did you tip that guy? - 6.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- He looked really annoyed. - I gave him 6.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57You're supposed to tip 15% here.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59If anything, I overtipped him.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Yeah, right.- Yes, I gave him a little brown one and the little silver one.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- That's like 5p.- I thought the little brown one was a dollar.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Where's Monkey? Have you got Monkey?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09No. Why would I have Monkey?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Where's Monkey? - I've no idea where Monkey...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Where's Monkey?- Oh, God, I thought we were having fun.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- BEA:- Monk? - PETE: Excuse me.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Have you seen a monkey puppet?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Do you remember I was here with my friend
0:08:19 > 0:08:21and she had a little hand puppet?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Six cents? - I don't...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25No, I thought the little brown one was a dollar.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26- He's not in there. - No. He's not in here.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Of course he is. - He's not. I asked the bloke.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- He said he's not in here. - You haven't looked properly.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- How is it my fault? - Bloody idiot! Where is he?!
0:08:34 > 0:08:35- MELVIN:- This little chunk of what you see here
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- went on for miles and miles and miles.- TOM:- Really?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40And this is where my grandfather worked.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42This is Cottonwood Studios.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And there's a placard that they made.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I think 233 Westerns were filmed here.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50And, you know, it says...
0:08:50 > 0:08:51look, King of the Prairie was here.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53That was fantastic.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54- And my grandfather... - Tumbleweed Tim.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57He was there. He was in...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59er, Bad Man Wind.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I heard it was a fantastic movie.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05And the fort is over there. They had an entire fort.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08They had like a PX and you could buy blankets.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It was fantastic.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12CAMERA CLICKS
0:09:12 > 0:09:13- And over there...- Wow.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16..that actual building, the low, grey building, that was the office
0:09:16 > 0:09:18and they had a little script room and they wrote there.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21And they still use that as a...
0:09:21 > 0:09:22CELLPHONE RINGS
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- It's for migrant workers.- Really? - Sorry. Just one sec. Hello?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26- BEA:- Oh, my God!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27BEA SHRIEKS
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Bea? You all right?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- SOBBING:- I can't feel my hand!- What?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- What's going on? Has Pete touched someone?- No!
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Monkey's gone missing!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Monk has gone... OK, where are you?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I'm in Venice Beach.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40OK, all right. I'll be right there.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Help. - OK, bye.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Guys, I'm really sorry.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- We need to go. - Really?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Yeah. I'm so sorry.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Is everything OK? - My sister has lost Monk.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53She's lost her little fella.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54- Oh, my God.- Seriously?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Yeah, in Venice.- Oh, my God. Don't talk.- I'm so sorry.- Let's go.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Under Megan's Law, we can check
0:10:02 > 0:10:03for sex offenders in the area.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- I'll go call immediately.- Yeah, um, the thing is, Monk's a puppet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- There she is.- A puppet?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- CRYING:- He's just a little monkey puppet.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Bea, he hasn't seen it. - You can't miss him!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- He must have come by here! - Bea, Bea, Bea.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Tom. - OK. All right, OK.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19It's a living hell.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- I can't find him anywhere. - I know.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Where have you looked? - I've looked everywhere.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26OK, this is what we're going to do. I've got a great plan.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27I love you and I'm here and I'm going to help.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30We're going to go back to London and get you a lovely new puppet.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31SHE SCREAMS
0:10:31 > 0:10:32OK. No, sorry! No, no!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- How can you say that?- OK, we won't do that. Why did you say that, Pete?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You can't replace him! My hand is clamping up.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- My God! - OK, well, we can't have that.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Help me!- Yeah. We're going to find him. We're going to find him.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Look for him! - PETE: We've been looking already.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Have you seen a little monkey puppet?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49No puppet?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Have you seen a little toy monkey that talks?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Excuse me, sir. Have you seen a little monkey puppet?- Mm-mm.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Have you seen a little puppet monkey?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57He's like a little puppet and he talks.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Monkey, try to tell me where you are.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Monkey?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02MONKEY'S VOICE: I don't know where I am.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Just try and see where you are, Monkey.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Tell me where you are.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08MONKEY'S VOICE: I don't know.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09This is a nightmare.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12ALLY: Have you seen a puppet?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- TOM:- There he is! - Oh, God!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Look! Here.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17- TOM:- Hi.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18HE LAUGHS
0:11:18 > 0:11:19- WOMAN: Hi. - Hi.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Oh, my God. Thank God.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- This is my sister's puppet. - Oh, my goodness.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Yeah.- And you're going to donate it to us to make another child very happy.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- That's so sweet. - No, that isn't...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32that would be sweet, but that's not what's happening.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I think somebody must have thrown it
0:11:34 > 0:11:36into one of these cans, thinking it was garbage.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Gee whiz, I just got here. Let me check the receipts.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- We take a receipt for everything that we have.- Oh, sure.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Well, there won't be a receipt
0:11:42 > 0:11:44unless it was stolen by a charitable thief.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46And look it, here. There is a stuffed monkey...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Shut up.- ..to a Mr Creutz.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- So that's...this is a charitable donation.- Oh, you're a charity?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51I'll give you 30.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53No, we cannot accept any money.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55We're a not-for-profit, so it's a tax issue.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57There's absolutely no tax issue involved.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You can receive all the money that you want
0:11:59 > 0:12:01as long as you give it back to the charity.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I'm a professional tax attorney and I know.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Here's the thing, my sister is a 38-year-old woman
0:12:05 > 0:12:07who talks to a fucking monkey.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10The underprivileged kids can get privileged.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11She's beyond help.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I'm an underprivileged kid.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I never knew who my dad was. Can I have it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17WOMAN: I'm sorry you don't know who your dad is,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19but these are...a lot of children are in need of these wonderful...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- It's a piece of polyester. - Tom, stop shaking him!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I'll give you 100 for it.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Listen, I'm not going to take 100!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You're really creeping me out, all right?!
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Now you and you and you and you and you can just get out of here!
0:12:31 > 0:12:32- All right. - Leave the monk... Oh!
0:12:32 > 0:12:33You get the fuck back here, man!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Aw, sh... I can't leave the toys.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Follow me! Up here, up here.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43THEY ALL LAUGH
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Thank you! - Oh, you're welcome.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Thank you, Tom. - Everything's all right.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Oh, my God.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51That was such a horrible day.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- That was nuts. - MONKEY:- Oh, I'm sorry she's so weird.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Aw, it's all right.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58No, thank you, cos I don't know.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- MONKEY:- She wouldn't have survived.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02He's part of the family.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- PETE: That was really good. - Hey, this is Ally.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- BEA:- Hello. - And Melvin.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- I'm so sorry.- This is my sister Bea. - I'm embarrassed about my behaviour.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12- Is that the monkey? - This is Monk.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- Yes. - MONKEY:- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- He's such a sweet monkey. - MONKEY:- So she really freaked out.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- He talks. - MONKEY:- Yes, I talk again. Now I do.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20THEY ALL LAUGH
0:13:20 > 0:13:21- MONKEY:- Now that I found you.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23AL: I should probably say something, shouldn't I?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24- KITTY:- Sure. That'd be nice.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25CLINKING
0:13:25 > 0:13:27AL CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Welcome, one and all, to our happy home.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Kitty and I would like to welcome you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34To our many friends - old friends and new friends,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37family who've come a short distance
0:13:37 > 0:13:39and people who travelled from very far away, welcome.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42We're just elated to have you here with us all.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Um, you work your whole life
0:13:46 > 0:13:49and suddenly you realise, what do you have for it?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51You have a bunch of stuff.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53There was even a bumper sticker years ago that said
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"He who dies with the most toys wins".
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Well, I've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack on top.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I would propose that he who dies
0:14:01 > 0:14:05with the most friends and family wins.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And I toast you now as a winner.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10To family and friends.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12ALL: Cheers.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- KITTY:- Are we doing everybody?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Friends and family. - Friends and family.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Thank you, Al. That was beautiful.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Thank you. Thank you for... Loved having you here.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24PETE: Listen, what's the deal with football over here?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You've got American football and you call football soccer.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30No, no.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32We call football football.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35That shouldn't be football cos you rarely use your foot.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37There is a guy that actually...
0:14:37 > 0:14:38You only use your foot for the conversions.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40But the foot's in play at that point.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Yeah, but you throw it.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44We don't touch the ball, so we should have football.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Yeah, OK, so then why is it better that you don't touch it?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Cos you can't just pick a ball up and run with it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51That's rugby.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Why don't you call American football rugby?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I'm just saying, we invented football.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I call it...what?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- TOM:- Is that Victoria? - AL: Your great-aunt.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- I didn't know that you met. - She came here to the States.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06She was on some kind of a quest about her family tree.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- No. - Oh. When was that taken?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10A couple years ago.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12That's...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Don't you find it weird that she came so far
0:15:14 > 0:15:17close to the end of her life?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- I wonder what she found out. - Yeah.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And I wonder why she gave that box to you.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Coincidence?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25HE CHUCKLES
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I'm not sure.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Did she leave you anything?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30No.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Maybe she just liked me.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34I know the spotted pup song,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36cos that was handed down from my grandfather.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- I can't hear what you're saying. Spotted pop?- Spotted pup.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- A dog, you know? - Oh, right.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43When they're small, we call them pups.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44- Oh, right. - Yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- MONKEY:- I'd like to see you naked. - Sorry about that.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- MONKEY:- I would, yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51I think you'd be disappointed.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Well, I wouldn't be there, obviously.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54- MONKEY:- Just me and you.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I-I don't think that's going to happen.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- I'll be totally honest with you. - Fine.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I've kind of made a commitment this evening to keep my clothes on...
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- OK. - ..until I go into my camper,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- which is parked... MONKEY:- That's a shame.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- But, er... - So, are you married?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Um, I am married, yes.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15- You are?- I am.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- MONKEY:- She here?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19No. My wife is missing.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Oh.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Yeah, she's been missing for several years now.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Oh, that's awful. - Yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- MONKEY:- Sorry. You killed her?
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Well, I've been doing magic for years.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I wish I had my props here.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I usually have a little stool and a table.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Incidentally, how do you fit four gay men on one bar stool?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Turn it upside down. - Ooh.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Now, pay-pay attention over here.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46All right, I like to keep a record of all the jobs I do, of course.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47So I have a little diary, you see?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- TOM:- Fancy. - Yeah, of course.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51But at the end of the month I look, and what have I been doing?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- I've been doodling. TOM:- Oh, no!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55For heaven's sakes. Who's going to believe that?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58So I can't find any of the records of the jobs I did.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Oh, shit.- I look again, and it's even worse because now it's
0:17:00 > 0:17:01- TOM:- Hey!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You're a witch.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Tom, I think you should have one of these.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Not so much for the doodle part.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You can fill in where you've been in the States,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13if you've met anyone interesting, any unusual incidents.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- MAN:- Hi. - Is that...?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16- Michael. - Speak of the devil.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Kim, come on in.- Magical Mike.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19- KIM:- What are you doing in here, Mike?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22MIKE: Just visiting with some friends from over the pond.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23- This is Pete. - Hello.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24MIKE: This is my partner Kim.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- Hello.- Kim?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27- This is Tom.- Tom, hello.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Hey.- And this is lovely Ally.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Hi. - Oh, lovely indeed. Hi, Ally.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32- Kim, sit, sit.- Can I join the party?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I was afraid you wouldn't make it again.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Another no-show. - No, no, no. I show.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37This is your better half Kim?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Indeed he is, yeah.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Say, what does a gay man have in common with an ambulance?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- What?- They're both rear loaded and they go...- Whoo, whoo!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48THEY ALL LAUGH
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Who told us that? Was that Clark?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Sweetie, could you get me some more containers for the leftovers?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Yeah.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57GLASS SHATTERS
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- Is that my mother's glass? - Yeah.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Let me see if I can find someone
0:18:01 > 0:18:03to help me in the kitchen, not work against me.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Don't blame and leave.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I am a terrible cook, but...
0:18:07 > 0:18:08- You are?- Yeah.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10But I'm a great eater. If that's...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12That's great. This will work out well.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Oh, I know this show.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Oh, yes. I love this show.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- TV:- Is this what you desire...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20ALLY: I watch this with my mom.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- TV:- ..my lord?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:27 > 0:18:28MUSIC SWELLS
0:18:31 > 0:18:35BREATHING HEAVILY
0:18:35 > 0:18:36It's lit so beautifully.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Mm, it's really well written, too.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Tommy, we're going old-school raving.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Back to '92, Caesar's Palace.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44POPPING
0:18:44 > 0:18:45HE GULPS
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Not drugs, just booze.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Up for it? Fancy it? - Um, no.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Everything you just said sounds terrible.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55So I think I'm all set. I was at a rave this morning.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56- You want to...? - No.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59You sure? You sure? I'm going to kick it - this town's back doors in.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Are you going dressed like that?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01- Of course I am. - I think we'll stay here.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03We're all right. Are you guys going?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- Yeah. - All right, you crazy kids.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Have a good one, guys. - All right, have fun.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Are you going, Bea? - I'm off to bed. See you soon.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10- OK. - MONKEY: We're emotional.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Night.- Nighty-night.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Tommy, Tommy, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15- Oh.- No, I'm jok...I would.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17AL: Tom, could you give me a hand in the kitchen?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19My genius wife just broke a glass.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20There's a broom in the hall closet.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Yeah, of course.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25OK, I'm just going to go cleaning.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- I'll be back in a minute. - OK.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31WOMAN GASPS ON TV
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Wow.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02HE MIMICS CAR ENGINE
0:20:02 > 0:20:03HE MIMICS CRASH
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Oh.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I see you've found my special room.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Hey. Yeah.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15This is great.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I mean, this is very similar to what I used to do at work.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19And the detail is so good.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Do you know what you're looking at here?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Uh, no.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26This is Dealey Plaza where JFK was shot in 1963.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27- Exact replica. - Oh. Wow.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Yeah. Grassy knoll, book depository.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32With this model I was able to prove
0:20:32 > 0:20:34that not only did Oswald not act alone,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36but I proved how they were able to cover their tracks
0:20:36 > 0:20:37with all the evidence they left behind.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39The grassy knoll and the book depository.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41They moved it in the middle of the night.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Cut it into pieces, took it all down, moved it to Area 51.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- They moved the grassy knoll? - Oh, yeah, to Area 51.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It's sitting there right now. I have friends who've seen it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56Too much evidence in there. They couldn't let it sit.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Is that the moon?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59That's the moon, all right,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01where the supposed lunar landing
0:21:01 > 0:21:03took place in 1969.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04The supposed lunar landing?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Do you really think we had the technology in 1969
0:21:07 > 0:21:09to get men on the moon and bring them home?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Kind of. - 238,000 miles average...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15221 at perigee, 252 at apogee.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- I do.- A moving target. You think they landed on the moon?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Yeah.- No, they were orbiting around the Earth
0:21:20 > 0:21:22while they did this all on a soundstage.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Where? Area 51.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Uh-huh. Behind the grassy knoll, probably.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28You ever see the footage of the men on the moon?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Yeah.- There's an American flag blowing in the wind.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Oh, wait, there's no wind on the moon,
0:21:33 > 0:21:34cos there's no atmosphere.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36There should be a crater under the LEM. There's no crater.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38There should be a crater for when they're landing.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40What about the star field? There's no stars in the background.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Why? They're in a soundstage.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43It didn't happen?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46We got taken for a ride, is what happened.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Is that a city on the moon?- Well, that's on the dark side of the moon.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51There are people there. They've been there for thousands of years.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- Of course.- There's a whole alien race living there.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56That's a good album.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Oh, my hero. Neil Diamond.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Great singer and a man who knows it all.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05That's why they wanted to shut him up. Look at this.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"Neil Diamond concert cancelled. Throat problem."
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"Neil Diamond Concert Cancelled.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- "Singing Legend Cites Throat Problem."- Yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Couldn't talk or they didn't want him to talk?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Probably couldn't talk.- Oh, no, they didn't want him to talk.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Right.- He knows where all the bodies are buried,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22about the New World Order, enslavement of the masses, health care for all.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- He knows about it. - Neil Diamond does?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Oh, yeah. And he was ready to sing.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I like that song Sweet Caroline.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30He knows how it all comes together.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- He's a good guitar player as well. - Yes, he is.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35- Titanic?- Yeah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37No iceberg there.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Exactly.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You didn't run away.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- I was thinking about it. - Sure.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- But you thought there was a chance I might bring wine.- Exactly.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Thanks.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57So you're leaving tomorrow.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Yeah.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- We should stay in touch. - Mm.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Yeah.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Do you have an e-mail account? - Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07BOTH LAUGH
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Isn't it the best?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Are you going to miss your American family?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Yeah, yeah, I will.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18They're great.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- You should stay in touch with them. - I would love that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- They were just saying the same thing about you.- Really?- Yeah.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Yeah, I'll miss them.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Ally is lovely. You know?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40And she smells so good.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41HE EXHALES
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Like lemons.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And babies.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Like they're fresh.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51If things were different, you know, if the situation...
0:23:51 > 0:23:54if I was here for longer,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56then maybe something...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It's hard to know, you know?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Maybe...the thing is I'm leaving,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08so it's probably for the best.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09We're really relaxed around each other
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and I-I think he's really funny
0:24:12 > 0:24:15and he's...he's very cute.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18He's very handsome.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21But we're...I mean, it's just...it's nothing.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23We're just hanging out and...
0:24:23 > 0:24:28and taking things real slow.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30BOTH MOANING
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Oh, wow! Wow! Wow!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Wow! Wow!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39BIRDS CHIRPING
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Maybe we should have gotten some sleep.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Just like a half an hour or something.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49BOTH LAUGH
0:24:49 > 0:24:51CAT PURRS
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Feeling rough? - Yeah. I feel rough as old dogs.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I think Rick and Julie might have slipped something in my drink last night.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08- Really?- Kinky buggers.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- MONKEY:- Bea slipped something in her own drink.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Oh, yes. Yes.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16So, er, I'd better go fly this plane.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Oh, you fly an airplane, too. - I do.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I never mentioned I'm a commercial airline pilot?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I always forget that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25You'd better go and get in your uniform.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28It's casual Friday, so...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I'm going to miss you.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Bea, they're getting off.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Tommy.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Plane to catch. - Yeah.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Check in. Bye, Ally.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I really don't want you to go.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I don't want to go.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07MUSIC: "I'm Alone But That's Okay" by Ron Sexsmith
0:26:07 > 0:26:12# When I found you I found myself
0:26:12 > 0:26:16# I was going to love you like nobody else
0:26:16 > 0:26:20# But I never really had a clue
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# How to love a girl like you
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# Two true believers
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# We devised
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# A temporary paradise
0:26:34 > 0:26:38# Now our future is in the past
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# I should have known
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# It wouldn't last
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# I should have been a better man
0:26:48 > 0:26:53# You could have been a better friend
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# I'm alone, but that's okay
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# I guess the dice
0:26:59 > 0:27:04# Just rolled that way. #
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd