0:00:02 > 0:00:06Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 30 seconds at least you're watching Fast and Loose!
0:00:06 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:13On the show tonight, he kills 99% of all household germs - Justin Edwards!
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Who wrote the book of love? Well, it wasn't Pippa Evans!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23He's on the run from the FBI and DFS - Wayne Brady!
0:00:26 > 0:00:31He's almost got the same name as an ice cream - Jonathan Mangum!
0:00:31 > 0:00:36She's the star of Maidstone CCTV's Pubwatch scheme - Ruth Bratt!
0:00:37 > 0:00:41And he once had a fight with Alan Titchmarsh - David Reed!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46And finally, would you please welcome your host,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Hello and welcome to Fast and Loose.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Tonight we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs, and picking our performers' brains
0:01:04 > 0:01:08on an array of topics. So let's play Fast And Loose!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Right, to kick things off let's do a game called Showreels.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19This is for all of our performers, so please come on down.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22We want you to show us the most disastrous clip
0:01:22 > 0:01:26you could send out in order to get yourself on television.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- So are you all ready in the performance zone?- Yes.- Yes.- Yes.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31OK... Off we go.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Sometimes you just wind up with nuts in your mouth.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I...am my own puppet.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Bang - and my wife was gone!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:01If you're like me,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04then you LOVE crab!
0:02:04 > 0:02:05- Mmmm... - LAUGHTER
0:02:05 > 0:02:08And if you'd like to buy this microwave...
0:02:08 > 0:02:14I have nothing left to say about it, I've been here for two days trying to sell this to you,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- and there is nothing left! - LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And next on Blue Peter, I'll be showing you
0:02:22 > 0:02:26how to use this clingfilm to make a sure-fire contraceptive.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And welcome back to the Organ Shopping Network.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33This week - human livers.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36APPLAUSE
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Up next, Stephen Hawking
0:02:39 > 0:02:41in Dancing With The Stars.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:46APPLAUSE
0:02:47 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be...
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Gary Glitter!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:58And now, children, it's time for birthdays.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Do forgive me if I don't get your names right,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03but I'm still off my tits from last night...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Hey there! Welcome back to Dave's Pizza and Funeral Parlour.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Just cos your grandma's stiff, doesn't mean your crust has to be!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- APPLAUSE - Well done, one and all! Fantastic.
0:03:21 > 0:03:27Now, I'm very like Kerry Katona in that I guard my privacy very, very carefully...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30and as a result people tend to just make things up about me.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36So, performers, what's the most amazing rumour that you've heard about me?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I heard - and I don't know if anyone else has heard this -
0:03:38 > 0:03:43that an anagram of your name can tell you how you will die.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It's true.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46"Hugh Dennis"...
0:03:46 > 0:03:51is an anagram of "hung in shed".
0:03:51 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- That's actually how my father died. - Sorry.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Anyone else?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Er...well, I've heard a rumour that
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Hugh Dennis isn't your real name -
0:04:05 > 0:04:08and that your surname is in fact Jidiot.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Thank you!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Right, and now a round called 7-Up.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23This is for Pippa, Ruth, Justin, Jonathan and Wayne, so please come on down.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26This round is inspired by the award-winning TV documentary series
0:04:26 > 0:04:29that follows people through their lives.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I'll be taking the part of the interviewer,
0:04:31 > 0:04:37asking questions of characters played by the performers at seven-yearly intervals.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39So, erm...Pippa and Ruth,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- you are Eastern European twins. - Hey, hey!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Justin, you are Napoleon.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Wayne and Jonathan, you are Michael Jackson and Bubbles.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:05So - Pippa, Ruth, you're seven years old. How are you?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- HEAVILY ACCENTED: - Oh, fine, thank you very much. - We are happy to come to your country
0:05:09 > 0:05:13and be a part of your strong European Union!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17We will clean for you...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Quite. Now, erm...
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Napoleon, you're seven.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Enjoying it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- COD FRENCH ACCENT: - I am six years old. I am enjoying my life very much so far.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34I am like a normal average French schoolboy.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I read Asterix books, I...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39poo in the shower and poke it down with my toes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Now...how are YOU two? I mean, dare I ask?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- HIGH-PITCHED: - Good!
0:05:49 > 0:05:50I'm Michael Jackson...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- WAYNE CHATTERS LIKE A MONKEY - ..and this is Bubbles.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I was always this white.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57LAUGHTER
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Right, now, Pippa and Ruth - you're now, erm...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04through the magic of television, you're now 14 years old.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06What's happened over the past seven years? Are you still cleaning?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Why not? If you have knees, you can clean!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Napoleon...? My goodness, you've grown.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17So you've had a growth spurt in the last seven years - now you're 14...
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Yes. I realised that it was very difficult for me
0:06:20 > 0:06:23to pursue my military career on my knees...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:30..and madly uncomfortable. So I have grown tremendously.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33And what are you doing now, what job do you have?
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Oh, it's a little bit of this, little bit of that... Mostly in charge of the army.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Excellent. And Michael and Bubbles -
0:06:41 > 0:06:44are you still getting on, are you still...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Something odd has happened, hasn't it?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:52HIGH-PITCHED: Yeah, um...I decided to go ahead and be the REAL me. And, uh...
0:06:52 > 0:06:56and the thing is that folks blame my father for my mind and for me wanting
0:06:56 > 0:06:59to be a different colour and sometimes even a different species
0:06:59 > 0:07:01but you can't stop me... You can't stop me.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05You can't stop... You can't stop me! LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
0:07:06 > 0:07:08APPLAUSE
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Ohhhhhh!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14APPLAUSE Sssh...
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Sleep, Bubbles... It's OK, Bubbles...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22JONATHAN CHATTERS LIKE A MONKEY
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Excellent. Now, erm... now we're 21, so, erm...
0:07:26 > 0:07:30intriguingly, although you've been in the country 14 years now
0:07:30 > 0:07:35I'm intrigued by your accent - are you still speaking Eastern European?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36- Absolutely!- Yes!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You have to stay with your roots.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41That's right! You recognise us -
0:07:41 > 0:07:43BOTH: ..we are The Cheeky Girls!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- # Smack my bum!- Smack my bum... #
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Smack my bum.- Smack MY bum!
0:07:49 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:55So, erm...Napoleon, you've lost an arm, have you, at 21, or it's cold, or...?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57A bit of the both. I've...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Zis arm has gone to sleep, zis one I have lost in a terrible war
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- but I am... - LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:08..I have found employment in a stage production of 'Allo 'Allo!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Now, Michael Jackson - and I'm not sure which of you IS...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Ah, now I think I'm understanding.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- So what has happened to you in the last seven years?- Well, um...
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I left my brothers to perform by myself, and um...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28I had Bubbles stuffed.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:32And I had him turned into a rocking chair.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Would you like to...
0:08:35 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Sometimes...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41sometimes when the world gets to be too much,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I just sit in my Bubbles rocking chair...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:46 > 0:08:47# Ooh, I...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50# I remember...
0:08:50 > 0:08:51# Oooh...
0:08:51 > 0:08:52# I remember Bubbles
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# And the way that Bubbles was a friend to me...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57# Ooooooh! #
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Thank you very much! Well done, everyone.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Right, now it's time for a fascinating fact break.
0:09:07 > 0:09:13Panel - what is the most fascinating fact that you know? Ruth...
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Erm... There are nine million bisexuals in Beijing.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Bicycles! Bicycles.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- LAUGHTER - Bicycles...
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Wayne...
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Cats do not like being placed in microwave ovens.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- It's true.- How do you know that?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Don't ask me questions you don't want to hear the answer to.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37And Justin...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, Hugh, it's a little-known fact - but if you
0:09:40 > 0:09:43remove Chris Moyles' lower intestine...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I will buy you a car.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Thank you! - APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:56Next we play a game called Interpretative Dance, and taking part are Pippa and Ruth.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59But first let's meet our special guest performer -
0:09:59 > 0:10:01would you please welcome David Armand!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:07 > 0:10:12Now, the way that this game works is we play in a popular song and we ask
0:10:12 > 0:10:16David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21Pippa and Ruth will be wearing headphones and therefore unable to hear the music,
0:10:21 > 0:10:26and they're going to have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28So, erm...can you hear me?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29PIPPA MOUTHS
0:10:29 > 0:10:32This could be useful in so many ways.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:35OK - off we go.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38MUSIC: "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles
0:10:41 > 0:10:44# Close your eyes
0:10:44 > 0:10:47# Give me your hand, darling
0:10:47 > 0:10:51# Do you feel my heart beating?
0:10:51 > 0:10:57# Do you understand, do you feel the same?
0:10:57 > 0:11:02# Am I only dreaming?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05# Is this burning
0:11:05 > 0:11:09# An eternal flame?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10# I believe
0:11:10 > 0:11:14# It's meant to be, darling
0:11:15 > 0:11:18# I watch you when you are sleeping
0:11:19 > 0:11:21# You belong with me
0:11:21 > 0:11:25# Do you feel the same?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29# Am I only dreaming?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33# Or is this burning
0:11:33 > 0:11:36# An eternal flame?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38# Say my name
0:11:38 > 0:11:40# Sun shines through the rain
0:11:40 > 0:11:44# A whole life so lonely
0:11:44 > 0:11:47# And then you come and ease the pain LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:54# I don't wanna lose this feeling
0:11:54 > 0:11:57# Oh...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00# Say my name
0:12:00 > 0:12:02# Sun shines through the rain
0:12:02 > 0:12:06# A whole life so lonely
0:12:06 > 0:12:09# And then you come and ease the pain
0:12:10 > 0:12:15# I don't wanna lose this feeling
0:12:15 > 0:12:18# Oh... #
0:12:19 > 0:12:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:23 > 0:12:25WHISTLING
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Sensational! Thank you. So - Pippa, Ruth, what do you reckon?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32I have to say, it's pretty clear...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- LAUGHTER - Well, it's something about dreaming.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- Yeah, that's there - but there's this...- Flames...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Yes!- Flames.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Taking a long time with the... - Long flames...- Burn. Burning.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- No...!- Waiting?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Time...- (BANGLES!)
0:12:49 > 0:12:50- Erm... - LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:53BOTH: Eternal Flame!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Thank you - and thank you to David Armand!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Right, well, erm... excuse me while I slip into
0:13:08 > 0:13:12something more formal with the help of my lovely assistant,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16in order to play our next game, which we call Early TV.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18We travel back in time to the earliest days of this medium,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and we imagine popular modern television formats
0:13:21 > 0:13:24as they might have looked in simpler black and white times.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I will be the host, and the other performers, my guests.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31We begin with our version of The Jerry Springer Show.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32JAUNTY PIANO THEME TUNE
0:13:32 > 0:13:34APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Well, good evening to you all and welcome to The Gerald Springer Show,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45where today we'll be exploring...
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Why On Earth Isn't My Son Married Yet?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Well, with us we have the parents of said son - I believe you are Justin and Pippa,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59so would you please come on down and explain this appalling situation?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- JAUNTY PIANO THEME TUNE Hello!- How do you do? How are you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- Yes, very good, Gerald. Pleasure to meet you.- Lovely to meet you. So...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Take me through it. Please do sit. - Yes, thank you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I'm glad you've taken your hat off, it would be appalling if you were wearing it.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- I should go outside and shoot myself or something. - LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Exactly! Yes. So tell me, how old is your son?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Well, our son is, er... As a matter of shame, he's...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- He's 19 years old. - Don't talk! He's...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- I'm sorry, I know my place. - Yes. Thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31And he's not...he's not wed at all?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- I'll be straight down the line with you, Gerald. - I wish you would be.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I'm a simple man - I ride a penny farthing, I've got syphilis
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and I beat my wife. But...
0:14:39 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:42..I really am tremendously concerned that our son
0:14:42 > 0:14:46is not going to carry on the good, strong, solid bloodline that we've laid down for him.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Hmm... Well, shall we introduce the son
0:14:49 > 0:14:53and see what on earth is wrong with him? So would you please come in, David?
0:14:53 > 0:14:54JAUNTY PIANO THEME TUNE
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Father. Mother.- Hello.- Pleasure to meet you.- Please sit down.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Thank you.- Now, tell us, why aren't you married?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Well, I don't see why I should rush into such a thing.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I am having such a lovely time just being a young adult.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13- What lovely things are you doing? - The normal lovely kind of pursuits that a young adult indulges in.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I go to my water-colour classes.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20And I engage in a spot of dancing.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Oh, Lord.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Down at the docks.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24FATHER MOANS
0:15:24 > 0:15:29So you have... You are betrothed, I believe?
0:15:29 > 0:15:35- Yes, that's right.- You have a long-term fiancee to whom you've been engaged since you were...?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Since I was aware of it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Well, shall we meet her? Ruth, would you come in?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45She's a lovely girl, Ruth, a lovely girl.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Hello. Hello.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48And did David choose you on his own?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51No, of course not, don't be ridiculous.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- We won her in a tombola.- Yes.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Did you?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58And here I am, I've been waiting all these years,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01all these months for him to marry me and he still won't.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03What number were you in the tombola?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Number 149.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It's my lucky number.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10We also picked up a bottle of Pomagne. so it was a splendid afternoon all in all.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16That's absolutely splendid. And you have no idea why he won't marry you?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19No. I think it's because I don't have the things he wants.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21No, she doesn't, that's quite right.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24This does nothing for me.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29I think we have some audience members who would wish to ask some questions.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Yes. I really do not have a question, I'm merely enjoying my camera time.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Given the decade that this is in I'm very lucky to be in the studio audience.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:46That's enough. Sorry.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Well, I think it's probably time to wrap this up, don't you?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- It's been a jolly interesting afternoon with you all.- Yes.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Thank you so much for coming. Goodbye.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Right, now it's the part of the show I like to call Funniest Impressions.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13This is where I ask our performers to demonstrate the funniest impression they can do.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15HIGH-PITCHED: They can do.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I'm sorry, I had late onset puberty in the middle of that line.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Performers, can you demonstrate the funniest impression you can do?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Anyone?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27For this one you kind of get two for the price of one.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30It's purely facial, there's no voice.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32This is Renee Zellweger...
0:17:34 > 0:17:38..and then if you do this you're Susan Boyle.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Anyone else?
0:17:42 > 0:17:47I have the distinction of being the only person of colour as an actor
0:17:47 > 0:17:55who...in this place or back home... that does an impersonation of Edwin, the uncle from Mary Poppins.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00Heaven to Betsy, oh, God, I'm for it! I'm for it!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04APPLAUSE
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Thank you very much.
0:18:09 > 0:18:15Right, the next game is called Upside Down and it's for Wayne and Jonathan, so come down, please.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Now, using state-of-the-art camera trickery
0:18:18 > 0:18:22we'll create the illusion our two performers are hanging upside down
0:18:22 > 0:18:24and ask them to sing a song about their lives.
0:18:24 > 0:18:30Now, Wayne and Jonathan, you are Tarzan and Jane.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Yes.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36And you have to perform to whatever music we play in.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40So assume the position, please, and off you go.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43REGGAE MUSIC
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Hey mon
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Hey mon, hey mon
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Everybody say hey mon
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Hey mon
0:18:50 > 0:18:51That was just one guy
0:18:51 > 0:18:52- Hey mon.- Hey mon
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Hey mon
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Hey mon
0:18:55 > 0:18:56AUDIENCE: Hey mon
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's true, I'm quite insane
0:18:59 > 0:19:03My name is Tarzan and this my bitch Jane
0:19:03 > 0:19:05That is true and we will be fine
0:19:05 > 0:19:08If she can find my jungle then she can squeeze my vine
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Hey oh.- Oh oh.- Hey oh
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Lord have mercy, come back lord of the jungle, eh...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Jane.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Because I want to explain Me might be a man but my name be Jane
0:19:20 > 0:19:26Hold up for a second now... Me half simian
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Hanging from the tree made me
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Because me swing from vine to vine and leave my butt behind
0:19:31 > 0:19:34And that is what I do His name is Tarzan
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh, he's a mighty part of the plant
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Change positions.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Hanging from the tree
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Hanging from the tree...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43We're hanging from the tree
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Hanging from the tree - Hanging from the tree
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Woah...
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Life in the jungle
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Oh, life in the jungle
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Life in the jungle
0:20:01 > 0:20:04That is one hell of a tree.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Thank you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Well, time is moving on
0:20:14 > 0:20:17so that seems like the perfect excuse for a party.
0:20:17 > 0:20:23I'm going to play in some cool music so our performers can chill out and throw some shapes.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26And when the music stops I'm going to ask them to say
0:20:26 > 0:20:29the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31So let's have our party music, please.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I like my women like I like my Starbucks,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42weak,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46with an unwieldy cup size.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
0:20:55 > 0:21:03MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I just want babies!
0:21:06 > 0:21:13MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Hey girl, you must be an angel, did you fall out of heaven?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Is my dad up there?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Is that a ladder in your tights or a varicose vein?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Hmmm, you're as pretty as a picture.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Unfortunately it's a picture of some shit.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Thank you very much.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Next up is the feastathon which we call Come Dining.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03This is for David, Pippa, Wayne, Justin and Jonathan, so come on down, please.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08David and Pippa, you will begin acting out a meal-time scene in a film genre.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13When each of your guests arrive you must switch to performing in a different style
0:22:13 > 0:22:18and as each of you leaves the other performers must revert back to the previous genre.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21So, Pippa and David, could you please begin by doing a Carry On film.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yes.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Wayne, you will come in as High School Musical.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Justin, you are a British war film,
0:22:31 > 0:22:36and Jonathan, you are Lord Of The Rings.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Well, that's simple enough.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Let's go, then.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43SHE CACKLES
0:22:43 > 0:22:47CAMPLY: So, I've made sausages, I like a bit of sausage.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- I like a bit of rump steak. - Oh, I bet you do.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I bet you like a bit of rump. - I do like a bit of rump.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- I bet you like a bit of rump in your hands.- I like it.- I bet you like it.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Later maybe we'll have melon.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02# Let's go, it's time to eat
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# America, it's time to eat
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# I'm an underage kid with a man-size libido, let's eat. #
0:23:15 > 0:23:17# How do you feel about beef? #
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I'm glad we're here, it's probably the last meal we shall all have together.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Sit down, we'll go through the plans.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28All I've got with you is some powdered egg and some bullets. We attack at dawn.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Is it true, sir? - Yes.- Are we going to die?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33We are, but it's all for a perfectly splendid cause, the Queen.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- I'm happy to die for the Queen, sir. - Who isn't?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'm not very happy to die for the Queen at all.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No, no, no, you'll be first over the top, Chalky.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Maybe I can have some of this precious food.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- The onion ring.- Shall not pass!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56APPLAUSE
0:24:00 > 0:24:01That was a close one.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Don't shoot me.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Oh, no, what did you call me?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09AMERICAN: Come on darling, come on, we can all get along, can't we?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12We can get along because here in high school
0:24:12 > 0:24:15we all believe in love, having a great time
0:24:15 > 0:24:17and dancing randomly like this.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22APPLAUSE
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Oh.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27And then there were two, eh? Then there were two.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29SHE CACKLES
0:24:29 > 0:24:32This does nothing for me.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35OK, thank you very much. Well done, everyone.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Right, now we're going to play a game called Sideways Scene.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49This is for Pippa, Wayne and Jonathan,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52and takes place in the special area behind the set.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56So Pippa, Wayne and Jonathan, if you'd like to head off and get ready, please.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01Now, you three are going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06The difference is you'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10We're going to relay the pictures to the audience on the screen.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12The scenario...
0:25:17 > 0:25:20The scenario is that Pippa is a housewife,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Jonathan is a vacuum cleaner salesman
0:25:23 > 0:25:27and Wayne enters as his aggressive vacuum cleaner salesman rival.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32So off you go.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Hi there.- Hi. - I notice that your rug is messy.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40It's so embarrassing. Do you have anything that would clean it up really quickly?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42This one really sucks. Let me show it to you.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Oh, wow.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Actually the kitchen is better, if you wouldn't mind.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Oh.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54You know what, let's just do it right here.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58OK. Wow, that's...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Some over here.- That really is good.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Yes, the place is spotless.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05You're so much better than my husband.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Oh, no.- Someone's at the door. I'll get it for you.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Hi, honey.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Lovely to see you.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Lovely to see you too.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30I was just driving by and I thought to myself, that house looks like it needs a thorough vacuum
0:26:30 > 0:26:33and I'm here to show you exactly how I get...
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Hold on one second, yes?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I was just here selling the young lady a vacuum cleaner.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- Well, I planned on coming here and giving the lady a good vacuum cleaning.- Oh, yeah?
0:26:41 > 0:26:46OK, can we change genre, please, to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I want both you men out of my house.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I shall clean your house.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Clean it, clean down there now.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Apparently we've got to get Wayne's thing back in.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I'm worried that he might actually be dead.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36OK, so can you change genre, please, to Spider-Man.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Clean this up.
0:27:40 > 0:27:47Yeah, that's right, you both come in my house, manhandling my carpets.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Nobody does that to Spider-Man-Woman-Man.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Snip, snip.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53OK, change genre again, please.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56This time to Cirque de Soleil.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:13OK, thank you very much indeed.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Come on round.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Right, that's all we have time for tonight.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Thanks to Justin Edwards,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Pippa Evans,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Wayne Brady,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Jonathan Mangum,
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Ruth Bratt
0:28:44 > 0:28:46and David Reed.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49And goodnight from me, Hugh Dennis.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51See you next time we play Fast And Loose.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:01 > 0:29:04E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk