0:00:02 > 0:00:07Ladies and gentlemen, for the next ten seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.
0:00:07 > 0:00:12On the show tonight, the rightful King of the island of Mull - Justin Edwards.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16She used to go out with Vince Cable - Pippa Evans.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20He was Mr Taunton 1987 - Greg Davies.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24He's working, so you don't have to - Humphrey Ker.
0:00:25 > 0:00:30She's on day release from The Priory - Laura Solon.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36And he can't go within 30 feet of Dannii Minogue - Marek Larwood.
0:00:36 > 0:00:42And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Hello and welcome to Fast And Loose.
0:00:52 > 0:00:58We'll improvise scenes, sketches and TV spoofs and pick our performers' brains on an array of topics,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01so let's play Fast And Loose.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07To kick things off, we're going to play a game called Speed Dating.
0:01:07 > 0:01:13This is a game for everyone, so if you could all make your way, please, to the dating area...
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Our performers have to imagine that they're all desperate and single,
0:01:17 > 0:01:22as we ask them to act out terrible things to say at a speed dating event.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25So, if you're ready, off we go.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30Hi, I'm quite sweet-natured and I'm really quite outgoing,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34by which I mean I've got diabetes and I'm homeless.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36BUZZER
0:01:36 > 0:01:40I can fit my mouth over most girls' heads.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43BUZZER
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I'm sure it'll all go swimmingly well, but if we do have children,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51you'll have to raise them as I'm not allowed to spend time with them.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53BUZZER
0:01:53 > 0:01:57People that know tell me that, apparently, from the waist down,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I look exactly like Princess Anne.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02BUZZER
0:02:02 > 0:02:06# Myfanwy, she loved him, but he never called
0:02:06 > 0:02:11# So she bust in his house and she cut off his balls... #
0:02:11 > 0:02:14BUZZER
0:02:14 > 0:02:20Hello. You don't have to be mad to have sex with me, but it helps. Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22BUZZER
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I'm quite a sophisticated eater.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28BURPS You see, there's sea bass on that.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32BUZZER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I'm good with faces.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I'm really bad with directions.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40BUZZER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43My name is Katerina,
0:02:43 > 0:02:48but people that know me call me "that racist hooker with the STDs".
0:02:48 > 0:02:50BUZZER
0:02:55 > 0:02:57There's room for one more.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59BUZZER
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I can neither confirm nor deny these child labour allegations.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I'll be taking no more questions.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10BUZZER
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Yes, don't be put off by the carrier bag. I always have that with me.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Better that than you see the naked horror of the prolapse.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21BUZZER
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I have only got one egg left, so don't fuck this up!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27BUZZER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Thank you. Well done, one and all.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Now it's that time of the show called All About Me,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45largely because it's all about me.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Team, this is your chance to say how you would describe me in one line. So, Justin...?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Brother of Les.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- Greg?- Judging from your behaviour in my dressing room earlier,
0:04:04 > 0:04:09- someone who doesn't understand the phrase "no means no"!- Pippa?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Very, very depressing.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Marek?
0:04:14 > 0:04:20Um...I'd say you were nice in the lounge,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22but really nasty in the bedroom.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Well, that was all very illuminating and...
0:04:29 > 0:04:32very hurtful, so thank you.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35APPLAUSE
0:04:35 > 0:04:42Right, our next game is called Weak Links and this is for Marek, Humphrey, Justin and Laura,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45so get into your positions, please.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50This is our version of the BBC's worldwide quiz show phenomenon.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55I'll play the host and the rest of you will act as contestants, but you'll have a character to play.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59So, Justin, you are a right-wing bigot.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I know. LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:07- Humphrey, you're a character from a British war movie.- Thanks.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Laura, you are a clueless teenage girl.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14And Marek, you are turning into a werewolf.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:19So let's get on with the game.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26Let's meet our contestants. What are your names? What do you do?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- My name is Justin. I hold several strong opinions.- And you?
0:05:30 > 0:05:36My name is Humphrey and by God, I'll hold this position if it's the last thing I do!
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- And who are you?- My name is Laura. Some people call me Lauly or Laurs.
0:05:40 > 0:05:46Growing up, people called me Rodders. That's nothing to do with my actual name. I don't know I even fit one.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- And you at the end? - Oh! Oh, no! Uh...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I'm either doing a shit or growing a tail. Agh!
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Ohh!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Ohh! It's coming out, Hugh!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Something's coming out. - Right...- Ohh!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Ohh!- Let's play...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Let's play Weak Links.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Justin, what X is the fear of foreigners or strangers?
0:06:16 > 0:06:23Huh! Well, X stands for Xmas, although we don't have Christmas any more since the Muslims banned it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28I suppose you'll be wanting some money off me as well. You're on benefits, aren't you?
0:06:28 > 0:06:35- I'm after the answer "xenophobia". - Yes, the fear of Zen, of Buddhists. I've no time for them either!
0:06:35 > 0:06:41Humphrey, the film starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers was called Flying Down To where?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Damn it, Hugh! I don't have time for this bloody nonsense!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Too many good men have died and you're asking me questions about flying?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53If the bloody RAF were here, we wouldn't be in this pickle!
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- The answer is Rio. - Damn it, I knew that!
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Laura, what colour was the big taxi in the song by Joni Mitchell?
0:07:01 > 0:07:07Oh, my God, I think I know this one. It's one of the colours, it's one of the colours. Oh, my God!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I don't really know and I've slightly forgotten who I am.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Yellow.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Marek...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, no!
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Justin, the 19th century novel by the Russian author Dostoyevsky is called Crime And what?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Well, Punishment. "Punishment" is too strong a word.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I'd send them all back. Hijacked a perfectly good word - "gay".
0:07:29 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:38Humphrey, wholegrain, Dijon and English are varieties of which condiment?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- Why, Hugh?- Because I'm asking.- Why?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45So many dead and for what?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Mustard questions?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Not in the England I dreamed of.
0:07:50 > 0:07:56Mustard was the correct answer. Laura, what term for a young deer is also a light brown colour?
0:07:56 > 0:08:02I don't know, but I do know that I'm quite scared and I'd really like to change places.
0:08:07 > 0:08:14- Marek...- I've just got this compulsion to do this to someone's leg!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16That's the end of the round.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19APPLAUSE
0:08:21 > 0:08:25So, at the end of that round, you didn't bank anything,
0:08:25 > 0:08:30although Marek did something which rhymed with it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:36- Who have you voted off?- Well, you didn't even give me a pen. Probably some health and safety nonsense.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39The... APPLAUSE
0:08:39 > 0:08:44But I don't care. I've decided. Humphrey, you are the weak link. Goodbye.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47APPLAUSE
0:08:53 > 0:08:57WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Well...
0:09:00 > 0:09:04That's it from me. Good night.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Thank you. Great work from everyone.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Now, it's that part of the show I like to call Survey Of The Week.
0:09:18 > 0:09:25This week, I'm asking our performers what new flavour of crisps they would love to see. Justin?
0:09:25 > 0:09:31I think Walkers Crisps should generally have more of a taste of...of walkers,
0:09:31 > 0:09:36so that they could just taste slightly of cagoules and Thermos flasks
0:09:36 > 0:09:39and that awful stench of a wasted life.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Lovely.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Um...Marek?
0:09:44 > 0:09:49I have often wondered whether Bryan Adams tastes as good as he sounds,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53so I would like to try Bryan Adams flavoured crisps.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Final answer.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58And Greg?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I'd like my crisps to be the flavour of a polar bear
0:10:01 > 0:10:07because they're an intrinsically arrogant animal who seem to think they're untouchable.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:17OK, we now come to a game called Interpretative Dance and it's for Pippa and Humphrey.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22It's time to meet our guest performer. Please welcome David Armand!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24APPLAUSE
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Now, the way that this game works is that we play in a popular song
0:10:29 > 0:10:34and we ask David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Pippa and Humphrey will be wearing headphones and therefore unable to hear the music
0:10:39 > 0:10:43and they'll have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Can you hear me...? No, they can't hear me.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49If you're ready, David, off we go.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51INTRO PLAYS
0:10:56 > 0:10:59# You walked into the party
0:10:59 > 0:11:04# Like you were walking onto a yacht
0:11:04 > 0:11:09# Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
0:11:09 > 0:11:13# Your scarf, it was apricot
0:11:13 > 0:11:18# You had one eye in the mirror
0:11:18 > 0:11:22# As you watched yourself gavotte
0:11:22 > 0:11:26# And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
0:11:26 > 0:11:29# They'd be your partner and...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33# You're so vain
0:11:33 > 0:11:38# You probably think this song is about you
0:11:38 > 0:11:41# You're so vain
0:11:41 > 0:11:44# I'll bet you think this song is about you
0:11:44 > 0:11:46# Don't you? Don't you?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51# You had me several years ago
0:11:51 > 0:11:55# When I was still quite naive
0:11:55 > 0:12:01# Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
0:12:01 > 0:12:05# And that you would never leave
0:12:05 > 0:12:10# But you gave away the things you loved
0:12:10 > 0:12:13# And one of them was me
0:12:13 > 0:12:18# I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
0:12:18 > 0:12:21# Clouds in my coffee and...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24# You're so vain
0:12:25 > 0:12:28# You probably think this song is about you
0:12:28 > 0:12:31# You're so vain
0:12:31 > 0:12:35# I'll bet you think this song is about you
0:12:35 > 0:12:39# Don't you? Don't you? Don't you...? #
0:12:39 > 0:12:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Fantastic, so... Humphrey? Pippa?
0:12:49 > 0:12:54- Any idea what song that was?- I think I've got this one in the bag, Hugh.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- And it is?- I believe it's the theme tune from Doctor Who.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05- Is that the...? - Yes, that's completely...wrong.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Oh.- Pippa, you don't know?- I'm going to do this with more of a flourish.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Sticks?- Sewing?- Sew...- Sew arm.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- Sew wrist.- No.- Vein. You're So Vain!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19APPLAUSE
0:13:20 > 0:13:26- I love that song. - Well done, you two. And thank you very much to David Armand!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:13:34 > 0:13:40You might be wondering why I'm putting this jacket on with the help of our delicious costume lady.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45It's because we're about to play Early Television. This is a game for everyone.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49In it, we'll travel back in time to the earliest days of this medium
0:13:49 > 0:13:55as we re-imagine popular modern TV formats as they might have looked in simpler, black-and-white times.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59I'll be the host and the other performers my guests.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03We begin with our version of The Jerry Springer Show.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05APPLAUSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- POSH VOICE: - Hello and welcome to the Gerald Springer Programme
0:14:13 > 0:14:17where today, we'll be exploring this topic...
0:14:17 > 0:14:21My Ghastly Husband Is Frightfully Out Of Control.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:28Well, first of all, I think we should talk to the wife, don't you?
0:14:28 > 0:14:34Laura, you are the wife of this ghastly man, so please come and talk to us.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37So, tell me,
0:14:37 > 0:14:44what appalling behaviour has your husband been indulging in for you to say he's spiralling out of control?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It all started last year at Christmas.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Over lunch, he held his knife quite like a pencil.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Then after lunch, when we stood up to sing the national anthem,
0:14:55 > 0:15:00well, he sang it, Gerald, but I could tell he didn't really mean it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:08- Good Lord! That really is, isn't it? - It's ghastly.- My goodness, that's absolutely ghastly!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I was sick. A bit in my mouth, Gerald.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15But mainly all over the turkey.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Yes, well, I share your pain. At the moment, I think that's appalling.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25But we should probably talk to your husband, dare he come on to face us! Here he is.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Look, it's Justin.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Oh!- Well...
0:15:30 > 0:15:35For a start, might I say it's absolutely appalling wearing a hat indoors.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Gentlemen should never wear hats indoors.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43I'm afraid this is the sort of level to which I have sunk, Hugh.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46What other appalling behaviour have you indulged in?
0:15:46 > 0:15:51Apart from the awful business at Christmas, holding my knife like a pen,
0:15:51 > 0:15:58later on, whilst we were having a roast swan at Michaelmas, I left one of my elbows slightly on the table.
0:15:58 > 0:16:04- Actually fully on the table?- Yes. I'm surprised I haven't ended up in prison, the way I'm carrying on.
0:16:04 > 0:16:11And it's catching, Hugh, because recently, his mother has developed a northern accent.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Let's see if Marek, who is your son, has noticed any of this behaviour.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I must admit I'm rather dreading this one.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31So, Marek, you've witnessed, have you, some of your father's spiralling out of control behaviour?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Yes, it's really awful.
0:16:33 > 0:16:40We were playing a game of croquet on the lawn and I hit the ball through the greenhouse window.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45I expected Father to beat me with a slipper, but he just gave me a firm telling-off.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49How am I supposed to be disciplined when he does things like that?
0:16:50 > 0:16:56I'm going to become most unruly if he doesn't bring his hand to me at least three times a week.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Some people have started a rumour that he is homosexual.- Which one?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Both...? Not together?
0:17:06 > 0:17:11- That's a different show.- You have a chauffeur, don't you, Humphrey?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- Yes, we do.- He's going to tell us what his experience of this is.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Well, Mr Springer, sir, I don't want to speak out of turn none,
0:17:20 > 0:17:25but the master don't like to drive around in the car no more and I says,
0:17:25 > 0:17:31- "What will happen to the atmosphere if we're not pumping petrol fumes into it?"- Why don't you sit down?
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- I'm not allowed to sit down, sir. - That's quite right. You're not.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41So, Pippa, do you have some questions for the people here?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44NORTHERN ACCENT: I would like to point out as Justin's mother
0:17:44 > 0:17:47that Laura is to blame entirely,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51for they've not had proper pudding in that house for at least five year,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54not even a custard tart or a spotted dick.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Is she your mother?- We can't understand a single word she says.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I'm going to be sick again! >
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Well, I think really there's not much else to be said.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Never mind, because that's all we have time for, so...
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Good night. - APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:24We now come to that part of the show that will henceforth be known as Autobiography.
0:18:24 > 0:18:31I'll ask each of you to tell me what title you would choose for your life story. Let's start with Greg.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33My autobiography would be called...
0:18:33 > 0:18:39"Oh, there he is, look! It's Gregory. He's massive, isn't he? Are you having a nice time at school?"
0:18:39 > 0:18:43"No, I'm not at school any more, Uncle Dan. I'm 42!"
0:18:43 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:47And Marek?
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Mine would be called... That Pig Does Not Go In There.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57It's ambiguous. People will think, "I'd like to read that and find out what happens.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01"I wonder where he put that pig, you know?"
0:19:01 > 0:19:04You have to stop talking now.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Justin?
0:19:07 > 0:19:12I would call my autobiography My Way because that is the name of my alter ego
0:19:12 > 0:19:16who is a 16-year-old girl from Taiwan.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Thank you very much.
0:19:23 > 0:19:30And now a game called 7-Up. This is for Justin, Laura, Marek and Greg, so if you could come up, please.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34This round is inspired by the septennial documentary series,
0:19:34 > 0:19:40rather than the fizzy citrus drink, although I'd be very happy to do their voiceover, should I be asked.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45I'll be the interviewer asking questions of characters played by our performers
0:19:45 > 0:19:47at seven-yearly intervals.
0:19:47 > 0:19:54Justin, you're someone with a hormonal imbalance and so is the character we're asking you to play!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Laura, you're Goldilocks.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Marek and Greg, you are Bavarian twins.
0:20:02 > 0:20:08We're going to start off when everyone is just seven years old. Justin, how's it going?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13VERY HIGH VOICE: It's going very well, thank you, Hugh.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I'm something of a lonely child.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21It's very much me at home with my clarinet.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Goldilocks, how is life for you aged seven?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I live down the road from this bears' house. You wouldn't believe it!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31They're part of some ramblers' club or something.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34The house is full of beds and porridge.
0:20:34 > 0:20:41Every day, they go out on a bloody ramble. I'm in there filling my face with it. Brilliant!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Marek and Greg, how is life for seven-year-old twins?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49BAVARIAN ACCENT: This is very embarrassing.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55Because the mother, she will dress us exactly the same at all times.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Ja, und "ve" bath together.- Yes.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- "Ve" sleep together.- Yes.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Und "ve" also...- Yes?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Through the magic of television, we can travel forward seven years
0:21:12 > 0:21:14and meet our threesome at the age of 14.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Justin, has life changed for you in the past seven years?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22HIGH VOICE: No, not really. It's been...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It's been a difficult seven years.
0:21:24 > 0:21:30I have as many injections as I can, but so far, there has been no noticeable change.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34And Goldilocks, how is life for you now?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Well, I've had a bit of a nightmare, Hugh.
0:21:37 > 0:21:44Basically, I was breaking into the bears' house every day, eating the porridge, sleeping in the beds.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47But then one day, the bears got wise to it.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Only gone and got myself a bloody ASBO!
0:21:51 > 0:21:56So, Greg, Marek, how is life treating you, now you're 14?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59The thing is, because I have grown so quickly,
0:21:59 > 0:22:03for some reason, I have lost the ability to do accents.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Und...
0:22:05 > 0:22:09And as a result, I have a terrible crisis of confidence.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13And I don't even know what this accent actually is!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I genuinely don't know what this accent is.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I couldn't place it within England or in Europe.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25- It's a sort of Scottish accent, ja? - Sometimes there's a little bit of Scottish in it, ja.
0:22:25 > 0:22:33OK, incredibly, seven short years have passed and we meet our three interviewees again, aged 21.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36So, Justin, how are you now?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40VERY DEEP VOICE: I'm a lot better than I was.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:50If anything, I've gone kind of... I've kind of gone too much the other way.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55That's, um... That's rather frightening.
0:22:55 > 0:23:01Goldilocks, how have you enjoyed your 21st birthday? You're now 21, of course.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Yeah, it went from bad to worse.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Basically, I done the ASBO, then I got into drugs.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Then I got pregnant by two of the bears.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17And twins, how are you getting on, now you're 21?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Und...
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - The thing what happened is we swapped bodies
0:23:23 > 0:23:26and my accent got even more Scottish.
0:23:30 > 0:23:36And the good thing about it is now his accent is completely German, isn't it?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Ja!
0:23:38 > 0:23:44Und now I have swapped Greg's body, I have precisely the accent with which I was born.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Thank you very much. That was quite literally extraordinary.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Well done, everyone. Thank you very much. You can go and sit down again.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:03 > 0:24:09This is possibly one of the most disturbing images you'll ever see on British television.
0:24:13 > 0:24:19Right, now we play a game called Sideways Scene. This is for Pippa, Marek and Justin
0:24:19 > 0:24:25and takes place in our special area behind the set, so if you three would head off and get ready...
0:24:25 > 0:24:30You three are going to perform a scene in various genres suggested by me,
0:24:30 > 0:24:35but the difference is they're going to be doing it lying down on our magic mat.
0:24:36 > 0:24:43Now, the scenario is that amorous housewife Pippa is having her shower repaired by hunky plumber Justin
0:24:43 > 0:24:47and jealous husband Marek returns.
0:24:49 > 0:24:55We're going to start as normal and I'm going to call out the genres as we go. So, off you go.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59So you're just here to fix the plumbing, are you?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Yeah. Where's your shower?
0:25:02 > 0:25:08- The shower's just over there. Perhaps you could just... - I'll just pop over there right now.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Sorry. It's not a very wide hallway. - That's quite all right.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Don't slip on that water!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Whoa... Whoa!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Off you go. All right.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24This is... This is quite high up, isn't it?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29KNOCK AT DOOR Gosh, it's my husband! Careful, he's got a funny leg.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- Just a minute, darling! - I forgot my keys, love. Sorry.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Oh, golly! APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Gosh, isn't this hard?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- Hello!- Hello!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Come in and give me a big snog!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Oh, yes, of course. I've got a bad leg though, so I'll have to hop.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Don't run away from me!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh! Oh!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- But...- You're hurting me. - Hang on a minute!
0:26:10 > 0:26:16- Who's that fellow in the background? - I'm literally just here to fix this shower over here.
0:26:16 > 0:26:22You never fix anything. That's the problem with this marriage. I want to punch you in the face!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25We'll freeze now. We'll change the genre to "kung-fu".
0:26:25 > 0:26:28That's lucky!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Oh! Ohh!
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Your forceful punch spins me through the air!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'll get you.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Aaaaagh!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Stop fighting, men!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Let me just...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I'm now doing handstands.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Marek, stop it! It's not good for your leg.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08We'll change again. Now we're going to do Harry Potter.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Let's whizz him round. Iracus whizzicus!
0:27:13 > 0:27:18- Come on. Who's for a game of Quidditch?- Why not?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- I'm not really sure of the rules. - Nor am I.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Look at my levitation spell.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Quick, come here!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Oh! Ooh, you're naughty!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Wait till I get my broomstick.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- Oh, no. The spell is broken. - OK, freeze.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Oh, God!- OK, don't move.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47We're just going to get set...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Who the bloody hell is this?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I don't know how to move down.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59It's ten pounds if you can see right down his crack.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05OK, we're going to freeze again and now the genre is "musical".
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- I'm flying out of here. - # Don't leave me here...
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# Don't leave me here
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# I've come to fix your shower
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# I'm in love with you now
0:28:18 > 0:28:22# And I will do my special Irish dance... #
0:28:24 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Well done. Thank you very much.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:37OK, come on back in. Thank you very much.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47That's all we have time for tonight. Thanks to Justin Edwards,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Laura Solon, Humphrey Ker,
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Pippa Evans, Marek Larwood and Greg Davies.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55And good night from me, Hugh Dennis.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59See you next time we play Fast And Loose. Good night.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk