0:00:02 > 0:00:07Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 21 seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.
0:00:07 > 0:00:13On the show tonight, Hampshire's number one name for carpets and bedding - Justin Edwards.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18She's noticeably taller than Ann Widdecombe - Laura Solon.
0:00:18 > 0:00:24He can become gaseous and volatile at room temperature - Greg Davies.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28He's hunted by the Inuit for his fur - Humphrey Ker.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33He's the best of Davids, he's the worst of Davids - David Armand.
0:00:33 > 0:00:39And do not return to him even if he's gone out - he's Marek Larwood.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Hello and welcome to the show.
0:00:53 > 0:01:00We'll improvise scenes, sketches and TV spoofs and pick our performers' brains on an array of topics,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03so let's play Fast And Loose.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10To kick things off, let's play a game called Job Interviews.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14This is a game for everyone, so head over to our performance zone.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18You have to imagine that you've been invited for a job interview.
0:01:18 > 0:01:24We want to hear the most disastrous thing that you could say to your prospective employer, so off we go.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Well, I think I'll make a great postman
0:01:30 > 0:01:33because number one, my name's Pat,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36number two, I only like to work a couple of hours a day,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and number three, I'm a thief.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40BUZZER
0:01:40 > 0:01:46Yes, I've got my CV right here because I've carved it into my chest with a pen knife.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48BUZZER
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I would describe my managerial style as Mugabe - hard, but fair.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54BUZZER
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I don't think I have any weaknesses, really.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05I do have a habit of falling asleep in the middle of...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09BUZZER
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Oh, my God, Mr Jenkins! Do you remember me?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16New Year's Eve. I was the girl who got off with your mum.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17BUZZER
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I am capable of taking a lot of things on board,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24as I live on a boat.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27BUZZER
0:02:27 > 0:02:33Well, last night, I had a bath and I wee'd in it, so yes, I can multi-task.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35BUZZER
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I can touch-type 60 words a minute.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41But that is the only phrase I can type.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42BUZZER
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I used to have a job as a gym instructor previously.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49I lost that when I instructed Jim to kill himself.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51BUZZER
0:02:51 > 0:02:56MONOTONOUS VOICE: At my last job, I was known as the office clown.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Not because I'm funny.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Because I've got big feet and my car exploded.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03BUZZER
0:03:03 > 0:03:07I spent five years in Japan where I headed up the marketing
0:03:07 > 0:03:10for the highly popular Hello Kitty merchandise
0:03:10 > 0:03:15and their rather less successful Fuck Off, Kitty, I'm Busy range.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17BUZZER
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I'm...I'm definitely the best candidate for the job today
0:03:21 > 0:03:25because I've just killed everyone else in reception.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27BUZZER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Well, if I do have a fault, it's that I like to take work home
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and that's why I lost my job at the creche.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Thank you very much.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39APPLAUSE
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Now it's that part of the show that we call Disappointing Holiday
0:03:45 > 0:03:51where I ask the performers to tell me what was their most disappointing holiday. Justin?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I spent two weeks on Isla St Clair.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Greg?
0:03:57 > 0:04:02My worst holiday ever was a pirate-themed holiday I had in Somalia, Hugh.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08We were only booked to go for a fortnight. I was there for three years.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Thank you very much.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Next up, the menu of merriment that we call Come Dining.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21This is for Justin, Humphrey, David, Greg and Marek,
0:04:21 > 0:04:26so come over to our sumptuously appointed dining area, please.
0:04:26 > 0:04:32Justin and Humphrey, you'll start us off by acting out a mealtime scene in a film genre specified by me,
0:04:32 > 0:04:38but when each of your guests arrive, you must switch to performing in the genre that they bring with them,
0:04:38 > 0:04:44then as each of them leaves, the other performers must revert to the genre they were in before.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Justin and Humphrey, start us off, please, as a kids' TV programme.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53David, you're going to come in as Thunderbirds.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Greg, you're going to be a Roman epic.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And Marek...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00you are Lassie.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:10I think that's fair enough, so if you're ready, off we go.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Well, hello.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:20- Welcome to Cookery Corner...- Whoo! - ..where Justin and I are going to be whipping up something delicious.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Grannies and grandads, leave the room because you smell.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- Let's eat.- Virgil, Brains! Don't get up!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'll just sit here. Wait a second.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33No, hang on.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34No, no.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38If you could move the chair a little closer to me perhaps...
0:05:38 > 0:05:43No. I got it. I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it. I'm going...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- There we go! - APPLAUSE
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Citizens!
0:05:53 > 0:05:58This shall be the greatest battle the Colosseum has ever seen!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Gladiator, ready!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Massive tiger, ready!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Raargh!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Hey, boy!- What is it, boy?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- What are you trying to tell us? - A break-in at the building society?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Grandad did what?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- MAREK BARKS - There's a child in a well?
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- We're not following you, Lassie. - What? Do you...?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Someone's killed a pig.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43- Caesar, I'm really not happy about this.- What?- The tiger. It just seems so unfair.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48If you win, you will go on to fight...Lassie's pig.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I don't think it's entirely fair.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57It's been a lot of fun seeing you guys, so I'm going to go back and continue the fight
0:06:57 > 0:07:00against the Mysterons.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Oh, no, that was Captain Scarlet. - LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05They're all the same!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Well, that was delicious, wasn't it?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16What an exciting array of guests! What's coming up next?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Join us on the show next week when we'll be getting a new dog.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Ooh!- And making it fight the old one.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Now we come to that part of the show I like to call Embarrassing Moments.
0:07:37 > 0:07:44I ask the performers to share with us the most embarrassing moment in their lives. I'll start with Justin.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I caught my scrotum in another man's flies.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I'm with you.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Marek?
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Well, at school once, when we were counting out loud,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I forgot the number ten
0:08:04 > 0:08:07and so that instant has been forever known
0:08:07 > 0:08:09as nine-eleven.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Greg?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22My most embarrassing moment, and this is absolutely true,
0:08:22 > 0:08:27is having to confess to my father as a young man about something I was embarrassed about,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31then him, for the rest of my childhood and adult life,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33referring to me as Alien Bollocks.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I'm not joking.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Next, we play a game called Interpretative Dance.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Taking part in this are Humphrey, Laura and David,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54so if you'd like to get into position, please.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58The way that this game works is we play in a popular song
0:08:58 > 0:09:05and we ask our interpretative dancer David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Humphrey and Laura will wear headphones, so put those on.
0:09:09 > 0:09:16They're going to be unable to hear the music and they must guess the song and the artist from the mime.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19So can you hear me?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Right, so if they can't hear me, off we go.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24# Oh, baby, baby...
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# Oh, baby, baby
0:09:30 > 0:09:34# How was I supposed to know
0:09:35 > 0:09:38# That something wasn't right here?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40# Oh, baby, baby
0:09:40 > 0:09:44# I shouldn't have let you go
0:09:44 > 0:09:48# And now you're out of sight, yeah
0:09:48 > 0:09:52# Show me how you want it to be
0:09:52 > 0:09:54# Tell me, baby
0:09:54 > 0:09:58# Cos I need to know now what we've got
0:09:58 > 0:10:02# My loneliness is killing me
0:10:02 > 0:10:04# And I...
0:10:04 > 0:10:10# I must confess, I still believe Still believe
0:10:10 > 0:10:13# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind
0:10:13 > 0:10:16# Give me a sign
0:10:16 > 0:10:20# Hit me, baby, one more time
0:10:20 > 0:10:25# Oh, baby, baby The reason I breathe is you
0:10:26 > 0:10:29# Boy, you got me blinded
0:10:29 > 0:10:32# Oh, baby, baby
0:10:32 > 0:10:35# There's nothing that I wouldn't do
0:10:37 > 0:10:40# That's not the way I planned it
0:10:40 > 0:10:44# Show me how you want it to be
0:10:44 > 0:10:46# Tell me, baby
0:10:46 > 0:10:50# Cos I need to know now what we've got
0:10:50 > 0:10:54# My loneliness is killing me
0:10:54 > 0:10:57# And I... I must confess
0:10:57 > 0:11:01# I still believe Still believe
0:11:01 > 0:11:04# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind
0:11:04 > 0:11:08# Give me a sign
0:11:08 > 0:11:12# Hit me, baby, one more time! #
0:11:12 > 0:11:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Fantastic. So, Laura, what do you reckon?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- I think I've got it.- Yeah? - Is it Hit Me, Baby, One More Time?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Thank you, David Armand!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:41It's that part of the show that I like to call Gift.
0:11:41 > 0:11:48I ask our performers to tell us about the worst gift they have ever received or given. So, Humphrey?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52My worst ever gift experience was a couple of Christmases ago.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55My sister sent my present to the wrong person.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00I wrote to them, but I tell you what, those villagers were not giving that goat back!
0:12:02 > 0:12:03David?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08The gift that keeps on giving, Hugh.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Herpes.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Greg?
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Again, Hugh, genuinely, my worst ever gift I got last year for my birthday
0:12:17 > 0:12:19and it was a knitted Nelson Mandela.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24And Justin?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27This is a genuine tip for anyone who is married.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Don't, as an anniversary present, buy your wife hoover bags.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Thank you very much.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Now we play a game called 7-Up.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46This is for Humphrey, Justin, David, Greg and Marek, so come down to the performance area.
0:12:46 > 0:12:53This round is inspired by the documentary series which follows ordinary people through their lives
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and interviews them every seven years.
0:12:55 > 0:13:01I'll be taking the part of the interviewer asking questions of characters played by the performers.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Justin and Humphrey...- Yes? - You are Adam and Eve.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09David, you are an arty film director.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Greg and Marek, you are the world's most evil man
0:13:14 > 0:13:17and his henchman.
0:13:17 > 0:13:24Right, so, Adam and Eve, you are seven years old. How are things in the Garden of Eden?
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Oh, my gosh, the Garden of Eden is like the best place in the whole world ever!
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Because basically, it is the only thing in the whole world ever!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36But it's quite lonely... Oh, my ribs!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Who are you?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I am the beautiful Eve.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44What?!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I hope your relationship works out the next time we meet.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51David, what's being seven like for you?
0:13:51 > 0:13:56I'm a big fan of the work of Truffaut,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Godard, Tarkovsky.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I screen these films to my friends at junior school.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I get punched a lot.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09And Greg and Marek,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- you're friends, I presume? - Yes! Hahaha!
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I am the most evil 7-year-old in the world!
0:14:17 > 0:14:21And this is my evil assistant Balderama.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- Hello. I am also very evil. - LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- He's very evil, but not as evil as I.- No.
0:14:28 > 0:14:35- I intend to take over the world, don't I?- Yes, he bloomin' does. - But first...our primary school!
0:14:35 > 0:14:42- That's a good place to start.- Yes, isn't it? I shall barricade it and put the teachers in the classroom.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- Yes.- And then what will we do? - I'm going to draw a mouse.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:55Is that all you're going to do?! I'm trying to take over the world and you draw a mouse?!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Mm.- Well...
0:14:58 > 0:15:05So now through the magic of television, of course, you are now all 14 years old, so...
0:15:05 > 0:15:11Adam and Eve, it wasn't that peaceful. How have the last seven years been treating you?
0:15:11 > 0:15:18- It's boring, really. We just hang around. There's nothing... - It's not boring.- What is that?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Wow!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It's never done that before.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27- How big is that going to get? - I've genuinely got no idea!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29You could hang a tie on that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- What's a tie?- I don't know. I'm blissful in my ignorance.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38David, you're 14 now. Have you made any films?
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Yes, I have recently started work on my first epic film
0:15:43 > 0:15:46which is simply entitled Why?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50But it's spelt Q.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Well, that's very interesting.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Greg and Marek, you had a plan to take over the primary as a practice thing.
0:16:01 > 0:16:07We have learnt a lot from our last attempt. I will take over the secondary school!
0:16:07 > 0:16:12I've barricaded the dinner ladies in and then, Balderama, we will strike! And you will...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Draw a picture of a mouse!
0:16:15 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18WHY?!
0:16:18 > 0:16:24Seven years on and you're still drawing a picture of a mouse, you buffoon!
0:16:24 > 0:16:29- So not much seems to have changed there.- Oooh!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32No, not much has changed, Hugh!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:42Now, incredibly, seven short years have passed. Adam and Eve, you're now 21.
0:16:42 > 0:16:48- We're not in the Garden of Eden. That all ended badly. - Yes, cast out because of SOMEBODY,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51no names mentioned...! Eve!
0:16:51 > 0:16:58It is freezing out here. I've got the wind... whistling through my lettuce.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03- We've discovered clothes now! - Put a fig roll on it, you said!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- No, I said fig leaf!- I misheard.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09David, you're 21. You've made lots of films?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Luckily now I am old enough to smoke.
0:17:12 > 0:17:18I've been holding my fingers like this for 14 years, waiting to place a cigarette between them.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:25Excellent. Greg and Marek, you're not looking too happy.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Has the level of evil failed to rise to your expectation?
0:17:30 > 0:17:35No, not at all, Hugh. If anything, I'm more evil than I've ever been.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39I just succeeded in hijacking a nuclear bomb.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- Got as far as taking it to Downing Street, didn't we?- Y-Y-Yes!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Then what did you do?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Well, I...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- I got out a pen...- Yes.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01And I thought, you know, what could brighten this missile up?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06So I drew a picture, didn't I?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Yes.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- (Of a mouse.) - LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Thank you all very much indeed!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Well done, everyone.
0:18:24 > 0:18:31Right, I make it party time. I hammer out some rhythms and ask our performers to get bare jiggy.
0:18:31 > 0:18:37When the music stops, they'll tell me the least successful chat-up line they can imagine. Cue the music.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40GROOVY DANCE MUSIC
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Hey, baby! Your mouth says no, but your body language says...
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Oh, no, as well. I'm sorry.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Wow!
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I didn't know there was a fifth Golden Girl!
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Er, up close it looks exactly like a turkey's neck.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:30Wow! You've got an amazing bum! It looks like a bin bag full of coleslaw.
0:19:36 > 0:19:42Has anyone ever told you you look like a masculine, black Angela Lansbury?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Have you got a pen? Yeah? Well, get back in it, love.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Thank you very much!
0:20:00 > 0:20:05It's time now for an educational game that we call Right Way, Wrong Way.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10This involves Laura, Greg, Humphrey and Justin. Make your way over.
0:20:10 > 0:20:16Now the performers are going to show us the worst and best ways to behave on an aeroplane.
0:20:16 > 0:20:23Greg, you are the passenger. Laura, you are the cabin crew, showing us the right way.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28Humphrey is the passenger and Justin the air steward with the wrong way.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Let's begin with getting seated. Off you go.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Good morning, sir. I'll be your personalised cabin steward.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41Is there anything at all I can do to make you more comfortable?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:46There is, actually.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51As you can see, I am a freak of nature.
0:20:51 > 0:20:59I'd very much like to move from this uncomfortable seat so I don't get full-body thrombosis and die.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01That's the right way to do it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:08Vaguely. And Justin and Humphrey, show us the sure-fire wrong way.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Hey, mate.- What, beanpole?
0:21:10 > 0:21:15This seat's bloody uncomfortable because I have sat on a child.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:16 > 0:21:23So that's pretty much the wrong way. The next stage is calling for assistance.
0:21:23 > 0:21:31Once again, Greg, your calm manner and respectful demeanour ensure it is dealt with swiftly and easily.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37- BOOM!- I've been standing right here just in case you need anything from me at all, sir.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I must say, I've never encountered service like this in my life.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I find you efficient,
0:21:44 > 0:21:49polite and, dare I say it, incredibly attractive.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56So that's the right way... Now, Justin and Humphrey, the wrong way.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- BURPS - Hey! Hey!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- What?- Oi!- I was in the toilet.- Oh!
0:22:02 > 0:22:07- What do you want? - I have trapped myself
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- in the tray. - LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:18There you go.
0:22:18 > 0:22:24To be fair, I'm not sure there really is a right way of dealing with that.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Now onto the third stage, which is having the meals.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33Notice how Greg's thoughtful and gentlemanly conduct
0:22:33 > 0:22:37makes the complicated meal-choosing process a pleasure for the crew.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39So this is the right way.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45Here's your menu, sir. If there is absolutely anything else I can do to help you on top of this,
0:22:45 > 0:22:52you just let me know immediately and I will do whatever it takes... and wherever.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03I'll have the chicken, please. LAUGHTER
0:23:03 > 0:23:05That was the right way.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07APPLAUSE
0:23:07 > 0:23:11That is indeed the right way. Now this is the wrong way.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16I've got two sandwiches. They're both ten quid each.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Awww...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Have you got any nuts?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:26And by the way... I'm still trapped in the tray.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Thank you very much!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Now it's that part of the show that I like to call Lookalikes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:44I ask our performers to tell us who or what they've been told they look like.
0:23:44 > 0:23:50I often get mistaken for David Coulthard or the sugar lump on the side of the Tate and Lyle packet.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Marek?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Em, a bald Sally Gunnell. LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- I can't see that at all. - Thanks, Hugh.- Laura?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Em, well, at the moment where I'm sat,
0:24:13 > 0:24:19I could look like the sixth member of the UK's most unattractive girl band.
0:24:21 > 0:24:28- And Justin?- At my brother's wedding, my dad said I looked like two sacks of shit in a Boden suit.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32That's unfair. Thank you very much.
0:24:34 > 0:24:40Right, now we move on to a game called Sideways Scene with Justin and Marek and our special guest.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Please welcome Pippa Evans!
0:24:44 > 0:24:49Now this takes place in a special area behind the set.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52If you could head off and get ready.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57You three are going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02But you're going to be doing it lying down on our magic mat.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07We'll relay the pictures to our audience on the screen. There they are.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Right.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12The scenario is that Pippa...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Pippa and Justin, you are two Midwestern farmers
0:25:18 > 0:25:21who are milking in the cowshed
0:25:21 > 0:25:27when farmhand Marek... arrives to warn you
0:25:27 > 0:25:29that a twister is on the way.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33So if you're ready, off you go.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Where IS the cow?
0:25:35 > 0:25:40The cow? I had to put it back in the shed. Want me to go get him?
0:25:40 > 0:25:45- Yeah, pop over and get it. - OK, I'll just pop over...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I'll just pop over...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I'll just go...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Ah, there he is. Come on.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Come on, Daisy! - In you come...- Ungh!- Oh!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, gee willikers!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03APPLAUSE
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh...!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Oh!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Go see what's all the commotion.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Aaaah!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Aaaargh!
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Come in!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Waaargh!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Wow!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Come on, honey. Come on in. - You're safe with us, boy!
0:26:34 > 0:26:39- Things are flying everywhere! - Freeze, please! Freeze!
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Now I want you to swap to a vampire movie.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48There's all kind of commotion out there. I don't know what's going on.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Oh, my!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53APPLAUSE
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Is it time to get up?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:08OK, and swap please now to Dancing On Ice.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Whoo!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I hope this stays my career.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And throw her about...!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Ready for the catch.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- Yeah! That's surely 10 point! - Freeze, Marek!
0:27:30 > 0:27:36- Freeze! Freeze! Change to an action movie explosion scene!- Oh, my!
0:27:36 > 0:27:41- Whatever you do, don't touch that chair!- Don't touch the wha...?
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Aaargh!
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Aaargh!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:28:01OK, and freeze, please. And could you now...? Where have the other two gone?!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Could you swap now to Alien?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Something weird's going on here.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Aaiee! What the...?!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Justin? Justin!
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I can feel...something... something in my stomach.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Waaaaah!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Thank you very much!
0:28:27 > 0:28:32Thank you very much, everyone! And thank you to Pippa Evans!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:45That's all we have time for. Thanks to Justin Edwards, David Armand,
0:28:45 > 0:28:51Humphrey Ker, Laura Solon, Marek Larwood and Greg Davies.
0:28:51 > 0:28:57And good night from me, Hugh Dennis. See you the next time we play Fast and Loose.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk