0:00:02 > 0:00:04- So, dinner around eight? - Yeah, should I bring wine?
0:00:04 > 0:00:07No, it's OK. I've got plenty. I've got plenty.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10It's the least I could do after what happened.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Isn't this lovely?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Thank the Lord for the day.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17HE WHISTLES
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Forgot the pot! Damn!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT
0:00:31 > 0:00:34So, we... You and me...
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Elaine and Helen for some very sorry chicken.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41And pardon me, potatoes, and it won't happen again, gravy.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43OK, sounds lovely.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Oh, and they'll be no flying beans anywhere, OK?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47No flying beans.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52I'll be totally on top of everything in there.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Oh, hi, Helen!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# I think I'll rest a little more
0:01:05 > 0:01:09# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door
0:01:09 > 0:01:12# Something easy, I'll find hard
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:01:16 > 0:01:20# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:01:20 > 0:01:24# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:01:24 > 0:01:28# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:01:28 > 0:01:32# But I wouldn't change a thing. #
0:01:32 > 0:01:35So... See you around eight, OK?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Afternoon, squire.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Tim.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Having a dinner party tonight? - Yes, Tim.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Am I invited?- No.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45I see.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Oh, Dad, I'm bored!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You said you'd play outside with us.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm trying to make the dinner here, OK? Can't.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56HE SIGHS
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Where are you going? - I'm going to the loo.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- Or is that against the law?- No!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05HE SIGHS Oh!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Don't use that upstairs toilet, I'm still fixin' the door!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13You're making them Beef Birmingham, Dad?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Shouldn't you make something a bit more, well...you know, idiot-proof?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Idiot-proof? I'll... Oh, man!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Oh, God!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23HE SIGHS
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Oh, God.- I've been looking for this everywhere.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Look, just go and play with your brother, will you, OK?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Let me cook the dinner.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- And you sure you can manage? - Yes, I can manage.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Thanks very much.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Yeah, OK.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Right, OK, OK. Right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47BANG! GLASS SMASHES
0:02:47 > 0:02:48HE GROWLS
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Uh-huh.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Ah, huh-hah!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Ha-hah!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Ah!
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Right.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24"Do not tenderise...the beef."
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Dad...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- What?- Good luck with that.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Huh?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38I'm a human poo.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40HE GASPS
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Aah, it's everywhere!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's every...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Aah! Drew, what've you done?!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50It's chocolate spread.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Oh! Oh, thank...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I thought...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Good boy. Bad boy!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Go and have a shower.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- I can't.- Why?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You broke the shower head?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I was bored, so I made a spaceship.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Vroom, vroom!- Gimme that!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- I'm a human poo! - Get... Drew, don't...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- I'm a human poo!- Don't, don't!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Oh, my God, how'm I gonna clean you? Don't go out that door.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Drew, don't.- I'm a human poo!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Drew, don't, come back! Drew!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Come back, Drew!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25DREW LAUGHS
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Yeah. Got you!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Yeah, lovely!
0:04:29 > 0:04:30I love it!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Aah!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Yes! Yes!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Ah-ha-hah! I love you in poo!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Ha-hah...
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Ah, kids!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48HE LAUGHS Human poo!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51We're not havin' that for dinner! All right?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Yep, or beans, OK?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Still a no!
0:05:01 > 0:05:07MUSICAL INTERLUDE # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- What about ye?!- Aah!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13What are you doing lying on the floor there?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Cookin' dinner.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16What are you making - meat and two tiny veg?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- D'you get that lemon sponge? - Oh, aye, I got dessert.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, brilliant.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27A lemon sponge!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30HE GIGGLES
0:05:32 > 0:05:33That's dessert?!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36What are we doing, having a gypsy wedding?!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Where'd you get that?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Well, there's this little fancy hotel, I like to go for a posh poo, right?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45It's gorgeous, you know, like, wooden seats and aloe vera bog roll, it's great.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48So I was coming out and there it was, in the hallway.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50So, Roddy's your uncle.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52So, you mean you stole it?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56No, no, no, you see, you know Roddy, he likes to give the waitress a big tip.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Ah! How much did you give her?- Fiver.
0:05:59 > 0:06:05And I'm sure... Keith and Linda won't mind.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Yoo-hoo!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- TALKS LOUD:- Hello, Tom!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12How are you doing, Roddy?
0:06:12 > 0:06:17What's with the air-traffic control stuff?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Your father won't let me listen to Jessie J in the car.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24We've been shouting at each other all the way over here.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29- What?- I said, we've been shouting at each other all the way over here.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31What?!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36I said, we've been shouting at each other all the way over here!
0:06:36 > 0:06:40What in the name of God are you shouting for?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Jesus.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You all right there, Pat?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Ooh, ah...
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I've a bit of chafing from sitting on the edge of the couch.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I told you to sit further back into the couch, Dad.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Yeah, but if I sit too far back I'd never get meself out of it
0:06:56 > 0:07:01and I've to rock meself backwards and forwards for ages.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Only yesterday his fat arse wedged an opening in the back of the couch,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10then my bum fell into it and he had the both of us trapped.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14D'ah!
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Damn!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Lucky enough, I had a spare fig roll left over,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23so I threw it into the middle of the floor
0:07:23 > 0:07:27and your father shot out of the sofa like Usain Bolt.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I'd do anything for a biccy, me.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33So where's the neighbours?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35They're still in their house and the dinner's not ready yet.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Well, you'd want to get a move on, son, they'll be here in two hours.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Eh...yes, THEY will, but YOU won't,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45So, can you please leave my kitchen? Thank you!
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Here, look it - now that I'm here, I might as well help out.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Look, Mum, this is MY apology dinner for MY neighbours.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Look, son, if you don't let me help,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57you're just going to have to make another apology dinner
0:07:57 > 0:08:00to apologise to them for poisoning them this evening.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02And then cooking another apology dinner
0:08:02 > 0:08:05for that apology dinner and then on and on,
0:08:05 > 0:08:06and suddenly you're an old man
0:08:06 > 0:08:09with your arse trapped down the back of a sofa.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Why are you two here?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16To make your life easier, son.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Is it oxtail?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- I don't know, is it oxtail, Tom? - What?!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- The meat, is it oxtail?- Oxtail?!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Very tricky to cook, oxtail.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29You see, I can't eat oxtail, it slows me pacemaker down.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Look, it doesn't matter if it's oxtail or not
0:08:32 > 0:08:35because you're...not...invited.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Hello, not invited.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Oh, thank God for that. I can't stand oxtail.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I'm heading off into the telly.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Ah, the telly, Mum. Why don't you go and watch the telly
0:08:46 > 0:08:48and then walk by it and go out the front door?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Mother of God on high in the name of the angels!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56THAT is a cake.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Oh, it's magnificent.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03All I'd need now would be a giant cup of tea and I'd be in heaven.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06THAT is the dessert.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Well done, Roddy.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Oh, d'you know, the only thing that can relax me now
0:09:10 > 0:09:12is to do a little bit of cooking.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Oh, Mum!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Mum... Dad, don't touch that, it's for the neighbours!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Ah, just a lick. - No, no... It's made of oxtail.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25PAT MOUTHS
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Mum, Mum, no!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29It'll just be the merest morsel of help,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31so tiny you won't even notice it's there.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Mum, gimme that.- No.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34- Gimme the masher.- No, I will not.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Mum, gimme the masher. - No, let Mammy mash it out!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Mum, gimme the masher! - Let Mammy mash it out, son.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40- Mum, let go of it.- No. No!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Gimme it. - Thomas, give me that masher back!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Leave it, leave it. - No, no, no, I won't.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Gimme it.- No, I won't. - Give it. Gimme that.- I won't, Tom.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48- Give me that.- Now, look, Tom.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Everyone needs a bit of advice, sometimes in the kitchen.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Tom, no! - Let go of it, you crazy cow! Let go!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55No! Give it to me!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00MARY BABBLES
0:10:00 > 0:10:02TOM LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Nearly dead!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05One more blow should do it! (Come on!)
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Ahh... Let me mash, Tom.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- (Shut up!)- Tom, I beg you.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Later for dinner, is it? - Oh, go away, Tim!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Fair enough. Mary.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Tim.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I live to mash!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Please, Tom, let me!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24MUSICAL INTERLUDE # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:10:24 > 0:10:29BOTH GROAN No! Gimme it! Oh, me back.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Oh, are you cleaning down there, Mum?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- Just a little bit. - Get up. Get up, Mum!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- No, no, no!- Mum, get up!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- No!- Get up, Mum, get up!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Get up!- I won't, I...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Well... It's been months since you done that to me, Tom.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Hello, Elaine!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Hi, I'm just a bit confused cos I thought it was you, me,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Helen and Brendan for dinner, but there's your mum.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Oh, now, purely in an advisory capacity, Elaine.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- PAT:- Can I have some of the cake?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04And your dad's here?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- TOILET FLUSHES - And, of course, Roddy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'd leave that for a few minutes if I was you.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, the beautiful Elaine.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16And look at you, you're looking gorgeous even after a long day in the office, huh?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Well, I've been in this suit all day and I will NOT be using these tights again.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Well, if you're throwing them out...
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Ah, my two favourite boys.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Hi, Nan, Mum.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Hi, Nan, any presents for us?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Give your granny a kiss.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Ooh, careful, lads. She kisses your father with that mouth.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42No present, no kiss.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Can I help?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Eh...no, thanks.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Your help only results in me... screaming for help.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I was a human poo earlier, Mum.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Dad tried to eat him.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Do I need to hear about this or do I NOT need to hear about this?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05You do not need to hear about this, I've sorted it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Whoo-hoo-hoo! DREW LAUGHS
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Oh, yeah!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Well, that's all lovely, lads,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18but Mummy needs her special medicine.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Why don't you pop in there and play with Grandad?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26So...finally heading off there, Mum?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Well, not yet.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I'm just going to check on your father.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Ah, who's in here?
0:12:31 > 0:12:36I like going this way, I prefer the wallpaper on this route.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40More wine, garcon.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Aw, oui, Madame,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49and will Madame be passing out on the couch later?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Bu... Probably!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Sweets, where's the sweets, Grandad?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Ah, now, Grandad doesn't give you sweets.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Fruit, you mean. Where's the fruit?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Aah!- I'll help yous, lads.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Aah, now let go, you'll... You'll crush me Curly Wurlies!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Relax.- Curly Wurly!
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Curly Wurly!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Wallet!- Ah...
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Thank you, Grandad.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Now, I will give you a pack of sticky spiders
0:13:17 > 0:13:18that I got in a toy shop
0:13:18 > 0:13:20if you'll do your little dance for me later.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Not that again?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Not the Grandad face?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Please?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30All right, but just once.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Da-dah!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Let's go on the trampoline and throw them
0:13:34 > 0:13:36so they'll stick and roll down the windows.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38For once, a good idea, my little friend.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Share them, Drew!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Pat Whyte, what are you giving them chocolate and rubbery spiders for?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I'm their grandad, it's what we do.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Well, I wish you'd slip me a Curly Wurly now and again.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54We're far too old for that now, Mary.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- Oh, you're a pretty handy cook, Tom. - Elaine!
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Ah, get!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Well, you need a bit more stock in it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- No... I'm doing the cooking! - I'm just helping a bit.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12No, this is my meal, I'm doing it my way.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14All right, well, I'll call the hospital,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16put intensive care on stand-by, shall I?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Well, just for that, you can give this a little taste.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- You all right there, Mary? - Don't mind me, I'm not even here.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Mum, look, everything's under control.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32You, Dad and Roddy can just go home.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34D'you know, I don't know what the world is coming to.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37If the good Lord had intended for men to cook,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39wouldn't we see them doing it on the telly?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I'm only glad Jesus isn't here to see this kind of carry on.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47He'd be on Celebrity Come Dine With Me if he was.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Ah, now, Elaine, Jesus would only ever do Strictly Come Dancing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Och, why don't you go home and watch Strictly Come Dancing, Mum?
0:14:55 > 0:14:56No, no, son.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I'll just look after the beef and get the veg on nice, that's all.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03No, the beef is fine and the veg is nice and crunchy.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06You see, you see! You don't know what you're talking about.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09No, you have to boil the bejesus out of your vegetables,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12so that they're nice and soft and free of blight.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17It's not 1974, Mary.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- No, your ma's right, Tom. I remember when we were in the Army, right? - Eh, Scouts!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24When we were in the Army we used to get a big tin, right?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27And we used to put carrots and potatoes and onions into it
0:15:27 > 0:15:29and cook it till it was nearly liquid.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Eh, that's soup, Roddy.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Aye, right enough.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- You sure you've got enough beer cans there?- Oh, yeah.
0:15:35 > 0:15:41Mary, please stop stirring the pot and bog off out the kitchen.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Come on, just relax.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Come on, let's just go in and relax.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48You know, you're right.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I will go and relax, I'll go and scrub the toilet.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Do we have to go tonight?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Well, we're good Christians, we should be able to forgive.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Brendan, I found baked beans in my...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Naughty Helen!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Flip-flops, naughty Brendan!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Well, we forgave him for that, so...
0:16:14 > 0:16:16He put a javelin through our bathroom window.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And we forgave him for that.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20He set fire to the garden, Brendan.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Well, at least the kids are nice. - DREW: Yeah, sticky spiders! Wheee!
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Aah!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- DREW: Sticky spiders! DYLAN:- Sticky spiders!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Wheee!
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- Aah!- Sticky spiders, wheee!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- It's OK, it's just the one, just the one.- Aah, aah...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Dad?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Yeah? - Drew got sick on the trampoline.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Oh...
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Aw!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Are you all right, love? - Yes, just a bit of Curly Wurly.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Aw... - Are you OK, are you sure you're fine?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Probably start those carrots again, Tom.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Sit down and I'll get you some water.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Get him some water, Tom.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Some water now, please.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Here.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Take little sips and calm down.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25I'm fine, it's gone.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Yeah, in the pot!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Oh, jeez.- Carrots.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32What? How did you know?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I bugged your whole house!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Hah, joking! Or am I?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37I am. Or am I?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41DREW RETCHES
0:17:41 > 0:17:44OK, I can take a hint. Same time for dinner tonight then?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Still no.- I'll bring a chair.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I just went to go to the upstairs loo and the door's jammed. Nan's stuck in there.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Oh, bloody hell!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57That dinner's going to be muck!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I'm not missing this. Our Mary!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Come on, Drew, this'll be fun. - Coming, Mum.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Mwah!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Mum! Mum!
0:18:20 > 0:18:21No answer.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Yeah, I know that.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Mum!
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Mum!!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- She's not answering. - Will you shut up, Roddy?!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30What's going on here?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Mum's locked in the loo.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Is she all right? - She's not answering.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- What?- She's not answering.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Ah, she's grand, so.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I'll be in at the telly.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Give us a shout when you get the door open.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Mum, answer the bloody door!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Open the door, Mum.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50You're going to have to put your shoulder to it, Tom.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52TOM SIGHS There's no run-up.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Use the stairs!- Oh, OK.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Move over.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Right, OK.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05OK, Mum!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Oh!- Good man, Tom. A few more of them and you'll have it through.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Yeah, why don't you give it a go?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Can't, Tom, I've got one leg longer than the other, look at that.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19See, if I was trying to run up those stairs, it would
0:19:19 > 0:19:21look like I was trying to get up a conveyor belt.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Well, we can always leave her up there until after dinner! - SHE LAUGHS
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Go, Dad, you can do it.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- Yeah, Dad!- Whoo-hoo!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33OK. OK, here we go this time.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36HE INHALES DEEPLY HE PANTS
0:19:36 > 0:19:39MUSIC: "Let Me Entertain You" by Robbie Williams
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Oh! Aaaah!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Go, Dad!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44ELAINE AND KIDS CHEER
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Oh!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Come on!- Come on, Dad! Go on, go on, go on!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Oh!
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Go on, Dad!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Hit him, hit him!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58TOM PANTS
0:19:58 > 0:19:59- Good horsey.- Oh!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Come on, Dad!- Push, Dad.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03You're pushing me, pushing me!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Ah! I... I give...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I give up.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18# Do it like a dude! #
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Aah!- Look, Tom.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Will you put some toilet paper in that main bathroom?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27I had to use your en suite and I don't like doing my business
0:20:27 > 0:20:29so close to your bedding.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I'll be in the kitchen.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32I'll check on the dinner.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35No, Mum, leave it!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37TOM MUTTERS
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Ah!- Stay out, get out!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41No, no, Tom!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45None of you are coming in!
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Stop!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh, right... HE SHRIEKS
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Wah!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:20:57 > 0:20:59HE PANTS AND WHIMPERS
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Yeah!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Here's Mammy!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Mum... Mum, don't.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Don't touch that dinner.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Don't!
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Uh!
0:21:28 > 0:21:29I knew it! I knew it!
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- What?- Yes, that is disgusting.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I knew you wouldn't be able to manage it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38What do you mean? No way!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40This is totally fine.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47It is and it's arse fine!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I knew you wouldn't be able to manage it.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Mum!
0:21:52 > 0:21:53What?!
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Mary saves the day yet again.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01What are you doin' with a cooked chicken in your handbag?!
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I mean, who does that?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I knew you wouldn't be able to pull it off.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Now, hand me that umbrella there.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Huh?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Here.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Uh, of course, vegetables in the umbrella(!)
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Yeah, and what's next?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Gravy in your tights?!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25HE SIGHS
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- IRISH JIG MUSIC PLAYS - Careful, Elaine, it's for the neighbours.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Ah, they're not going to miss this little bit.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"More medicine, Elaine?"
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Come on, lads.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41I love this, Roddy.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I know, it reminds me of back home. Are yous ready, boys?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Yes.- I'm ready.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Right, come on then, lads.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- BOTH:- # Diddle liddle liddle liddle lid did did
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# Dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52# Dee dee-dee diddle dee... #
0:22:52 > 0:22:54That's right, lads.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Great footwork, boys.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01I won't, no! Let the chicken out, Tom!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- No!- Let the chicken out!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Careful of the cake, boys, it's for the neighbours!
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- No!- No, let go and let it out!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Maybe we should just tell them I'm not well.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20We'll do it just this once.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22He is a normal chap underneath it all.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Aah!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Ow!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I suppose you're right.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Love thy neighbour and all that.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Aah!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Aah!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I hope they like my chocolate mousse.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Everybody loves your chocolate mousse, Brendan.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48No, no...
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Aah!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Aah!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oh...
0:23:59 > 0:24:00It's open.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Hello?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Hello?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Hello!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12We brought some mousse.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Aah! - HELEN SCREAMS
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Brought some mousse.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Everybody loves Brendan's mousse.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35That is very nice mousse, Brendan.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40You've ruined my dinner, Mum! Ruined it!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Here's what I think of your mash. - Aah!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50HIGH PITCHED: Ooooh!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Oh, my...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I'm so sorry!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00That's OK.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02We forgive you.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Helen?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Ta-dah!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Oh, piss off, Tim!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Cheers.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24# I'm the last of the Irish Rover. #
0:25:24 > 0:25:27MUSIC: "The Irish Rover" by The Pogues
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd