0:00:02 > 0:00:03Ta-daaa!
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# I did it
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# I put the telly and the bracket on the wall
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# All by myse-elf. #
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Oh, yeah! Gimme some!
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Gimme some!
0:00:10 > 0:00:11All right.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Now...
0:00:12 > 0:00:16All I need is total and utter silence
0:00:16 > 0:00:19while I set the voice recognition on this thing. OK?
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Total and utter...
0:00:20 > 0:00:22..silence.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Shut up.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Quiet and watch the magic happen.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27TV BEEPS
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Play...DVD.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37No, must be the accent. OK. Not to worry.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38TV BEEPS
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Play...
0:00:39 > 0:00:41DVD.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Why don't you just lean forward and press play?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46MUSIC STARTS
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Ah! No! Don't say, "Press play."
0:00:48 > 0:00:50You just made it think you said, "Press play."
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I want it to recognise my voice, Elaine, not your voice.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It doesn't matter who says, "Press play."
0:00:55 > 0:00:57MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:57 > 0:00:59TV on!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Stop! TV: BBC Radio...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Off! TV off, radio on!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04No! On!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Do you speak English?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07TV WHIRRS
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Ah!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Shh!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12You're going to break it!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Now just be quiet, all right?!
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Now...
0:01:15 > 0:01:17let me do this.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18SNIFFS
0:01:18 > 0:01:19CLEARS THROAT
0:01:19 > 0:01:21INHALES
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Smart TV on!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25What about ye?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Room for a wee one? Ho-ho!
0:01:30 > 0:01:34There's one way to switch this thing off and that's to unplug it!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# I think I'll rest a little more
0:01:42 > 0:01:46# Cos the noise in my head keeps bangin' at the door
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# Something easy I'll find hard
0:01:49 > 0:01:50# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:01:50 > 0:01:54# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:01:54 > 0:01:57# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:01:57 > 0:02:01# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:02:01 > 0:02:05# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:02:05 > 0:02:09# But I wouldn't change a thing. #
0:02:11 > 0:02:13It's no good, Tom. It's knackered, huh?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Yep.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15And a bad time, with everybody coming over
0:02:15 > 0:02:18to watch the Strictly final as well tonight, huh?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Yep, thanks(!)
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It's not like you can afford a new one either, huh?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Yep, thanks, Roddy(!)
0:02:25 > 0:02:26You're screwed, basically, huh?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you(!)
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Shut up!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Don't mention it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36OK, Dad.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40We're just going to bandage your head...um, with this cushion.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41No, it's OK. I'm fine.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43We're just try to help you, Dad.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46(SWEETLY) Come on, Dad. You can twust us.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51No, I cannot trust yous.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53CLUCKS Jump! Just do it - jump!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Jump, you chicken!
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Jump now!
0:02:56 > 0:02:57THUD
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Ah, loser!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03You're right, Roddy, this thing is knackered.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I've got a telly fella mate that owes me a favour.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I'll give him a ring if you want. Oh, really?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09That'd be great! Can he come here?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Er, we-we'd have to go to him.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12He's, er...
0:03:12 > 0:03:13He's between shops.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Whatever, man. Come on, let's go.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20What are you waiting for? Can we...?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh!
0:03:22 > 0:03:23I'm going to kill you two!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Not with your arms taped to the TV, you won't.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Come on.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29TOM GRUNTS AND STRAINS
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Roddy, help us, will you?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Now, Tom, you know that I've got one arm shorter than the other. Look at that.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And that side's just as bad. What?!
0:03:37 > 0:03:38DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:38 > 0:03:40The door. Roddy? Love to, mate.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Gotta call the telly fella man. Ah! Boys?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I'm going out to play Star Wars with Quiet Joe.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Dylan?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Arms, Dad.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Arms.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52TOM GRUNTS AND STRAINS
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I can't wait to grow old around you two -
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I'll have to wheel myself to the ducks!
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Ah!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Jesus, Mary, will you look at that?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05The door was on the latch.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09You don't want to be leaving the door on the latch in this day and age, son.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Dad, Mum.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Hiya, son. Hi.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14People will rob your house and use your toilet.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18What are you doing?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Now, I wouldn't recommend hanging the TV in the hall, son.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24You'll never get a couch along here.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Well, maybe you will, but you'll never walk by it that easily.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You know, and you need to keep that exit clear
0:04:30 > 0:04:33or your whole family will be burnt to death in a fire, son.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I was hanging it in the living room and then...
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Well, there you go already, son.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41You're in the wrong room - this is the hall.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Come on.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45(BREATHLESS) No, I was...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I was bringing it out to the car. I...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh, give us a hand with it, Dad.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, Jesus, son, I'm sorry, I can't.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I sprained the back of me neck.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55What?! How did you do that?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58While I was on the throne at home.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Pushed too hard...
0:05:02 > 0:05:03..and sprained me neck.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He's a bloody idiot.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06I mean, how do you sprain your neck doing that?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Easy, woman!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11There's a lot of pressure on your neck.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It's dangerous.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Just ask Chris de Burgh - he died on the loo.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Shut up, Pat!
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Chris de Burgh isn't dead!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21More's the pity.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Here, try it, son. Ah!
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Now...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27PAT STRAINS
0:05:28 > 0:05:32I can feel that right up and down the back of me neck.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Can you, Tom?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Ugh! Gross!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37That is way too much information.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Your neighbours don't know how to park, son.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I had to leave the Volvo at an angle out there.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44An angle?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Yeah, well, I couldn't find any spaces that suited me,
0:05:47 > 0:05:52so I had to stick me nose into a space I liked, hence the car's at an angle.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Hope nobody tears the arse off it while we're here.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57It's got a big bumper.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59You're the one with the big bumper.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00What?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I swear to God, Tom.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04If he doesn't lay off the biccies, he'll die.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And he won't die all nice and neat.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Oh, no. Muggins here will have to sponge and bathe him
0:06:09 > 0:06:12as he takes another three years to slip away.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16But what are you doing here so early?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18The Strictly doesn't start till later on tonight.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19I know.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22But your father wanted to come over early to see how long the journey would take.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25A kind of a dry run, if you like.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27But you're always here.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Yous are always...here.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32You see, I got new tyres on the car, Tom,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35so the flow of the car has all gone to shite.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Because the rubber on the tyres is thicker,
0:06:38 > 0:06:42so it's taking twice the time to turn the corners.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Hiya, you all right?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Oh, hi, Elaine.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Are we all set for the big final tonight?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Mm, we'll have to wait and see, Mary.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Tom upset the television and it threw itself of the wall.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54What?!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57He has a terrible temper on him, Elaine.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He always had that as a child.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02You have a terrible, terrible temper, Tom.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I do not. Calm down!
0:07:03 > 0:07:08I will not have you raging at your mother like that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And why did you break it, Tom?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11The telly, Tom - Strictly!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I was hanging it on the wall and the telly and the bracket fell off the wall
0:07:15 > 0:07:17and smashed me on the head.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Well, that was bound to happen.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Did you use four-inch screws, son?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24No, two-inch.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Ah, you can't use two-inch screws to hang a monster like that.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I wouldn't hang a tissue with a two-inch screw!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Two-inch screws is all I had.
0:07:34 > 0:07:40No, I was only saying to a neighbour yesterday to use four-inch screws.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44He was. I mean, he was putting up hooks to hang a lawnmower and I said to him,
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"You can put your own child up on that it's that safe."
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And he did as well.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57What are we going to do about my Strictly?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I can't miss the final.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00It'd be like missing Mass.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04What about ye?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Och, aye, Mary and Pat.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Oh, Roddy, have you heard?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10There'll be no Strictly on the big screen tonight.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No Strictly tonight? No Strictly, Roddy.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Imagine that - the state the world is in out there
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and all we're worried about is a bloody television show.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Listen here...
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Gandhi.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Ballroom dancing is my life.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26And what are you so worried about the world for?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You've never been further than Glasgow!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I don't like travel, it shoots me blood pressure through the roof.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Right, now, the telly fella man says we can go and meet him now if you want.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, brilliant. Where are we going?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Er, it's in Knapton Industrial Estate.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It's just round the side... um, by the trees.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Near the wheelie bins.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46That sounds lack a nice area.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Done a bit of dogging there, have you, Roddy?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Aww.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I didn't know you had a dog, Roddy.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I don't think Elaine's talking about that sort of dogging, Mary, to be fair.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Me and Pat did a bit of dogging back in the day, you know.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Did yous now? You hear this, Tom? Your ma and dad done a bit of dogging.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Roddy, don't.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I'd love to go dogging again.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Do you remember when we went dogging, Pat?
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Oh, yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Me and your mother used to head off for the weekend
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and we'd be dogging everywhere.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Dogging in this town and that.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Your father and me won prizes for it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25We'd a lovely little cocker.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29And relax. Finished?
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Finished?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Good. OK. Well, me and Roddy are going to go and get this telly to his fella.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You're not going to drive now, are you, Tom? You've got concussion.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Roddy, drive.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I never drive at this time of the year, Tom. Wh...?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Why?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Because, you see, the sunlight gets right into the back of my head there.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48The doctor says that my eyes are too small for the sockets.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Well, I can't stay here and see my only son drive
0:09:53 > 0:09:55with a big concussion head on him.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56He's fine to drive us all, Mary.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Oh, not you as well, Elaine, please!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Oh, no, I'll just sit here, put my feet up
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and watch the space on the wall where the telly used to be, shall I?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I'll get Dylan. Mary, you round up the rest.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Right, Elaine.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Pat, you go and get Drew and put him in the car.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Why do yous all have to come?
0:10:13 > 0:10:14You have no choice now, son.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I've been trying to get rid of her for 40 years
0:10:16 > 0:10:19and, everywhere I go, she's halfway up my arse.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Where is Drew, Tom?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Dreeeeeeewww!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Jeez, Mary, you've got a fine pair of lungs on you, huh?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32It's what first attracted me to her, Roddy.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36He's out the back with Quiet Joe.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Got that, Pat?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Move it! I'll get the coats.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Jesus, son.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I'm like a dog but without the benefits of licking my own bits.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Have you got the keys to the car, son?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's open. Your car is open?!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57You might as well drive it up to the thief's house with a ribbon on it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00They can't rob the car, Dad. Not without the keys.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Yeah, but squatters might move in and do their business in the glove box.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Roddy, come on, grab it.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Arms, Tom. Arms.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Hurry up, Tom. Come on.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, give us a hand.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16- Is this helping? - No!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- How's that? Is that helping? - It weighs a ton!
0:11:18 > 0:11:19I'll see you in the car, love.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I... Er...
0:11:22 > 0:11:23WHIMPERS
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Thanks very much(!) I'll bring it meself, then.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29PUFFS
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I got it. I...
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Ah!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Oh! Car keys!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Ugh.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49DOOR CLOSES
0:11:49 > 0:11:51PANTS
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Open, open, open.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56OK.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58TV CLATTERS
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Oh!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03PANTS
0:12:03 > 0:12:04CRASH
0:12:07 > 0:12:13# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Where is this place, Roddy?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17In 75 metres, turn left.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18ENGINE CLUNKS AND ROARS
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, that does not sound good.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21That does not sound good!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Well, this was bound to happen.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27You probably have too many people in the car.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29If you didn't shove so many biccies in your cake hole,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32there'd be a lot more room back here.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33ENGINE ROARS
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You know, I wouldn't drive much further on that noise, son.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Is there a volume control on his neck?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I wish there was.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Did you put diesel instead of unleaded in it? No.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Radiator full? Yes.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Oil? Yes.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Tyre pressure? Fine.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Exhaust? Just got a new one fitted.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Balloon casing?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52What? Air-blow breezer?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53No. Button caps?
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Line reel?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Trunk shaft?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58You don't know what you're talking about, do you, Dad?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59No, I haven't a clue.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00ENGINE CRUNCHES AND KNOCKS
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Oh!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03ENGINE CLUNKS
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Just pull in over there.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05(OK.)
0:13:10 > 0:13:13ENGINE STRUGGLES AND KNOCKS
0:13:16 > 0:13:18ENGINE STOPS
0:13:18 > 0:13:20IGNITION STRUGGLES
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Oh, great.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24We're stuck in a lay-by.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29We'll be sucked off by passing trucks or killed by murderers and rapists.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32But at least it's a sunny day.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34THUNDER CLAP
0:13:40 > 0:13:41IGNITION STRUGGLES
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Come on! Come on!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Hurrah! What a great day out(!)
0:13:47 > 0:13:49(Start.)
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Start!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Ugh, dunno.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What now?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Tell you what...
0:13:56 > 0:13:59..I'll text your man and get him to bring the new TV up to you.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00How about that?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02He won't mind? Oh, no, he, um...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04He likes to keep on the move.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07We could try and fix this car first.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Can you fix cars, Dad?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11No.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Don't worry.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'll get on the AA.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16CLEARS THROAT
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Watch and learn, Tom. I've got the old voice recognition.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Oh, this'll be good.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Ready? Yeah.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24CLEARS THROAT
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Call AA.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28PHONE BEEPS
0:14:29 > 0:14:31PHONE: 'Playing Coldplay.'
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Call AA.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37PHONE BEEPS
0:14:37 > 0:14:39'Playing NWA.'
0:14:40 > 0:14:41AA.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42PHONE BEEPS
0:14:42 > 0:14:44'Playing David Gray.'
0:14:44 > 0:14:46AA!
0:14:46 > 0:14:47PHONE BEEPS
0:14:47 > 0:14:49'Dialling Paul Murphy.'
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Ah, shite!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52PHONE BEEPS
0:14:52 > 0:14:54'Dialling AA.'
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Bingo, we're in.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Er, and don't worry, your man will be here as quick as a flash.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LINE RINGS
0:15:02 > 0:15:04OWL HOOTS
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Any minute now...
0:15:09 > 0:15:10..your man will be here.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Any minute now.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Dad, do I have to stay cooped up in this car much longer?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I'm beginning to smell of Countdown.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Apparently not, according to Roddy.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25TOM SIGHS
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Oh, listen. Will you check Drew there, Dylan?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30How's he doing? I haven't heard a peep out of him.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Mm, yeah, he's OK. He's asleep.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Oh, well, then, will you take that mask off his face so he doesn't get too hot?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36OK. Thanks.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Er, Dad...
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Yeah?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Did you get me a new brother?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50What are you saying?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I'm saying this isn't Drew, this is Quiet Joe.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Quiet Joe?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Quiet who? Quiet Joe!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Quiet Joe? - Quiet Joe!
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Quiet Joe?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Who's Quiet Joe?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05He's Tim-next-door's child.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07He's the child in the back seat.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09He's the child you thought was Drew!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11BOTH: Ssh!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12You'll wake him, Mum.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, my God. Where's Drew?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16He's not here. Sh...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Thank you, Roddy(!) Elaine, where is Drew?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Well, if he's not here...
0:16:22 > 0:16:26(GASPS) ..he's at home on his own!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30You left our son at home by himself?!
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Best parents in the world(!)
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Me?!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I didn't do it!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Dad put him in the car.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I should have checked!
0:16:38 > 0:16:39I should have known!
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Ya feckin' eejit, Pat!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44How was I supposed to know which was which?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Two kids out in the back garden, playing with masks on.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I asked one of them if he was Drew.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52He said, "No, I'm Luke somebody."
0:16:54 > 0:16:56So I took the other one.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Give me your phone.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Here. - If anything happens to my baby...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05He's probably sat there, crying his eyes out.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12It's engaged.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Tom, I am going to...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Don't look at me - it was that stupid old man in the back there.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Let's hope he doesn't find the matches.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21I'll call the police.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You could get done for leaving a child alone on its own.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Roddy's right.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26They'll take Drew away.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30And we'll have to visit him in someone else's home with tags on our ankles.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Will you calm down, woman?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36No Strictly.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Drew is home alone and we've someone else's child in the back of this car.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Here, take this.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Oh, thanks, love.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Not for you! It's for the child!
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Oh.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49By the way, have we told Tim we've got his kid?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51What about Drew? I'll call Tim.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Maybe we shouldn't panic.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Tim wouldn't panic.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55HELICOPTER WHIRRS
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59DOG BARKS
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Jooooooooe!
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Jooooooe!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11No answer. I'll try the other side. They'll be in.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Right.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14# Dance, dance
0:18:14 > 0:18:16# Wherever you may be... #
0:18:16 > 0:18:17PHONE BUZZES
0:18:17 > 0:18:19# I am the lord of the dance, said he
0:18:19 > 0:18:21# And I lead you all
0:18:21 > 0:18:23# Wherever you... # Leave it!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27# And I lead you all in the dance, said he. #
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Look, Drew will be fine.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35He'll have a shave, order some pizza and set traps around the house.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39That's Home Alone, the movie, Dad!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41PHONE CHIMES
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Oh. Oh, no.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. No!
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Oh, my God. What is it?
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Strictly is starting now!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57A-And why are my friends texting me about Strictly
0:18:57 > 0:18:59when we should be concentrating on Drew?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Drew, who I love so much.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Much more than Strictly.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04And why wouldn't I?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Because Strictly...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08is only a dancing show.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12That's it. I'm walking home.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14No, you can't go out there.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17It's dark, it's dangerous. There's trucks out there!
0:19:17 > 0:19:18I don't care. I'm his mother.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Elaine!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22TYRES SQUEAL, TRUCK HORN BLARES
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Yeah, yeah.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Best stay in the car for now. It's a bit dangerous out there.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Don't get out the car, Dylan.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I wasn't going to.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Good boy, good boy.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I don't know what everybody's worried about.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38All the lad has to remember is the stuff that I taught him
0:19:38 > 0:19:40from when I was in the Army, right?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Scouts! It was the Scouts!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Stay hydrated.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Keep well wrapped up.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46And eat plenty.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48HEELS CLICK
0:20:01 > 0:20:04(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, I don't mind if I do.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:20:13 > 0:20:16CAR APPROACHES
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Oh, here they are.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19No.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22CAR APPROACHES
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Oh, here they are.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25No.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Oh, here they are. Shut up!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Shut up! Shut up!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Yeah, but I was... Shut up!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33All I wanted was... Ah!
0:20:33 > 0:20:34RODDY SIGHS
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I'm hungry, Mum.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38What you expect me to do? Breastfeed you? Mum!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Never fear, Dylan.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Gran is here. Mum!
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Oh, brilliant, Mary.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Hope there's enough for all of us, huh?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49VELCRO RIPS
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Sandwich, anyone?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Sandwiches in a...?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56What are you doing with sandwiches in a money belt, Mum?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58For emergencies.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03We're Catholic and God made our lives one long emergency.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05He must be practising on me.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Ham and cheese, please, Mary.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10What, there's a menu?!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11There you go, Tom.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Oh, lovely. It's all warm and...lovely.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Sandwich?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I don't want a bloody sandwich, I want to get home to my son.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And, Roddy...
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Yes, Miss.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25If this AA man doesn't come in the next five minutes,
0:21:25 > 0:21:31I will take that cigarette lighter and I will singe your flipping ball bag!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33DYLAN: Mum!
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Elaine! Elaine!
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Mary! What?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Oh, sorry, I thought it was a game.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh, shut up, Pat!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43God, Drew will be starving by now!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46DOORBELL
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Finally.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Are your parents in, son?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Does it look like my parents are in?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11In case nobody noticed,
0:22:11 > 0:22:15there's a 70-year-old man back here who hasn't had a cup of tea for hours.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I've a flask of tea on me, you whinge bag.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20God knows where she's going to pull this one from.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Fair play to you, Mary.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Here you go, Elaine.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It'll settle the nerves.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28PHONE RINGS
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Oh!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30That'll be me AA man.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Oh, finally.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35What about ye, Alan? Where are you?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36'Sorry, Roddy.'
0:22:36 > 0:22:37I can't get to you.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39The road is blocked.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Some arsehole's parked his car at an angle.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Yeah, cheers, Alan.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Alan?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Yeah, Accident Alan.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57The AA...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00is Accident Alan?
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Right, where's that cigarette lighter?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03HORN HONKS
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Ooh, there's the telly... Oh!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Oh, God! You just spilled it all over me jeans!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I'm sorry, love.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Take them off, Elaine, before you scald your legs.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15No, no, no. It's leave them on or your skin will peel off
0:23:15 > 0:23:18and then they'll have to take skin from your arse and put it on your legs.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21That's a fire, ya gobshite!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Take your trousers off, Elaine. That's it, Elaine.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I'll get them for you, don't worry. Stop it, Roddy!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I don't need to take them off, I just need some tissues.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Look, you heard Mary, you must take these jeans off.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Will you leave me alone, Roddy?! Must...remove...deadly...items.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37It's OK. Here, Elaine, you can have mine.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Get back in the back, Roddy.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40I can't, Elaine needs me.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42No, I don't! Will you get him off me?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I just... I don't need your jeans, either.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46They're halfway down already.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Loosen up there, woman. I can just see the top of your pants.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Ow! Pat, you give Elaine your trousers.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53What?!
0:23:53 > 0:23:54It's OK, I've nearly got mine off.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56THEY GRUNT
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Ach, sure, I'll take mine off as well.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Look, well everyone just stop taking their clothes off!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Pat, you have long johns on under your trousers.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Now, come on, off with them!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07It's OK, mine on me ankles.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10No, no, I'd better do it now or I'll never hear the end of it, son.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Here, Dylan...
0:24:12 > 0:24:15hang onto the back of me trousers there, pull them down.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Sure.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17PAT: I can't reach!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18CAMERA CLICKS
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Dylan, grab the back of your grandfather's trousers and pull!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I will get so many likes for this.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Will someone stop this maniac taking off my trousers?!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27HORN HONKS
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I tell you what, woman, you got a good grip on you.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32But you'll never stop me taking me own trousers off.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Mum! Why's there a man standing outside your window?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Eh?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38PAT: There's another one here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41And there's some more over here on my window.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Maybe they think the car's for sale?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50SIREN
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Right, there's the police.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Don't say nothing about the TV
0:24:56 > 0:24:57or that child in the back
0:24:57 > 0:24:59or that child alone at home. All right?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Or-or my stuff in the basement.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Or those, er, letters that I sent to Princess Anne that time.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, this was bound to happen.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Oh, great.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I'll do the talking.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Well, well, well.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23What have we here?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Having a bit of fun?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Well...
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Oh. Officer, I see you're a bit of a dogger.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I was only telling the others how much I missed the dogging.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Well, that's Drew sleep.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Ah... Is he all right?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Ugh, he'll have a hangover in the morning.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08What about Quiet Joe?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Oh...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13He's fine. No harm done.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Apart from his dad.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18He got bitten by a police dog.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20On the bum. It's not funny, Tom.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22He's an idiot.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I'm off to bed now. Thanks for the day out.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Thanks for the trip to the police station
0:26:28 > 0:26:29and thanks for these.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Ah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It'll be something you can tell your kids when you're older.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You'd better start saving for my psychiatrist bills now.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Oh, really? We'll let you have this, yeah?
0:26:39 > 0:26:40You can have that. Yeah!
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Good night.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Night. - Love you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Oh, love your work.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Well, at least the television's up.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51At least.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Proper four-inch screws and all.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Dad'll be proud.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Yeah.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59But I thought you didn't have any four-inch screws.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Where'd you get 'em?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Do you know, I don't think I used four-inch screws on those shelves.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# I think I'll rest a little more
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# Cos the noise in my head keeps bangin' at the door
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Something easy I'll find hard
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:27:37 > 0:27:42# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:27:45 > 0:27:46# But I wouldn't change a thing. #
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd