0:00:15 > 0:00:17PHONE RINGS
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Agh!
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Hello?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27What about ye?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Roddy? What'd you ring me for?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Just checking you were in.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34There's something I want you to see. Wait till you see this.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Healthy Man?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Well, fair play to you, Roddy, wanting to be a man and healthy at the same time!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Look at that there. "Eight-day abs."
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Eight-day abs - that's what I'm going for.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46The old abbreviations.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I had great abbreviations when I was a young fella.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51He did all right.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53He was known as JTP -
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Jabba the Pat.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58At least I don't have to tuck me boobs inside me skirt.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I'm not the one needing the bra.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06We could lay you on your side and you could feed a litter of six.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# I think I'll rest a little more
0:01:10 > 0:01:15# Cos the noise in my head keeps bangin' at the door
0:01:15 > 0:01:18# Something easy I'll find hard
0:01:18 > 0:01:19# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:01:19 > 0:01:23# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:01:26 > 0:01:30# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:01:33 > 0:01:37# But I wouldn't change a thing. #
0:01:39 > 0:01:41There's a competition in here, right,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43where you can win two weeks in Spain
0:01:43 > 0:01:44and a lovely wee car.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Look. There used to be a programme years ago over in Ireland -
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I don't know if you remember.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50It was called Housewife Of The Year.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Oh, wasn't that that thing you were in, Mum, when I was a kid?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Oh, yes.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, they're doing a version over here called Househusband Of The Year, Tom,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and you'd be brilliant for it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Like, I'm not eligible for it because, you know,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I'm not a husband any more and I don't live in a house.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06But you - you are a househusband.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Would you stop saying that? Give me that.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I don't believe it!
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Gerty Howlett!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Gerty Howlett?! Gerty Howlett?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Only the woman who won in 1978.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23We were through God knows how many rounds and we were exhausted,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26but it was neck and neck going into the final challenge,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28the Hoover dash for the finish line.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30ANNOUNCER: Good girls, yourselves.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31They're neck and neck...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34MARY: I nearly had it. Everyone thought I was going to win.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35This is very unusual, now.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39The favourite, Mary Whyte, seems to have left the course.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41But it was not to be.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I was disqualified. Seeing Gerty
0:02:44 > 0:02:48hold that trophy was like a knife in my heart.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That day belonged to me, not to her.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Ooh!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Gerty Howlett.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57She had lovely legs.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00What are you smacking me for, woman?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It was Tom's fault you lost.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Me?! Yeah!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Your mother had to run off the track to wipe your nose.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It was my fault?!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Don't worry about it, Tom.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I could have had it all, but you had a runny nose.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Don't feel guilty that you ruined the best day of my life.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21You should feel guilty, Tom.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And how you make it up to your lovely wee mammy
0:03:23 > 0:03:25is to win that holiday and that lovely wee car.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I haven't got time for competitions. I'm too busy here.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32That's the spirit, Tom. Spoken like a true househusband.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, Spain here we come!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Well, that's me out. I'd get bitten to death.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAKING
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48this is not a competition to be taken lightly.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51This is not a game. It is blood, sweat and tears.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52It's a battle of wits.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54It took over my whole life when I was in training.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58So this...man couldn't ever even attempt
0:03:58 > 0:04:00the mammoth task that is Housewife...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Husband. ..Husband Of The Year.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Don't meddle with things that you don't understand.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Still, eh, Tom? Eh?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Wee holiday? Lovely wee car, eh, Tom? Ole, Tom?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18No-le, Roddy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I'm no poxy househusband.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23THUNDER RUMBLES
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Mercy me! For the love of God!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I've only hung that washing out ten minutes ago.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Me work's never done!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37TIM, OVER FENCE: Into the corners, the corners. Come on, Tim.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Corners, corners, corners.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Hospital corner, hospital corner.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Shirt.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Hello, Tim.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Can't talk, Tom - training.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Ironing in the rain?
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Am I? Hadn't noticed.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55What you training for? Househusband Of The Year. God, I've been waiting
0:04:55 > 0:04:58for something like this my whole life. I'm bloody ready.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Excuse the language. BOYS: Bloody ready.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Language! Yes. Boxers.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Is it that Healthy Man thing?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Very same, Tom. Hope you're not thinking of entering.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Why? Not ready, pal. Don't have the hunger. Hunger?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12The hunger...to be a man-mum.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14A dad?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15No, Tom, no. A man-mum.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19To be both a man and a mum at the same time. And I...
0:05:19 > 0:05:20am a man-mum.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You're an idiot.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Time?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Four minutes, 26 seconds.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Get in! Yes, come on!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Good, good, good. But we can do better.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33First positions, please.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Isn't that, er...?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Gerty Howlett!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39What in the name of God are you doing in that garden?
0:05:39 > 0:05:40The secret weapon, Mary.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Saw she was coming over for the competition and bang!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Signed her up for Team Tim.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50Mary Whyte and her little runny-nosed boy Tom.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Yes, it is.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55He's in the competition too.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Am I? Of course you are, Tom.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I'm training him.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01You? Ha!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Yes, me. Ha(!)
0:06:03 > 0:06:07You'll never get that into the shape of this.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Come on, baby.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13You see?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Well, may the best woman win.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Oh, she will.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I wish you all the best of luck, Mary.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22GERTY CACKLES
0:06:24 > 0:06:28And to you...Gerty.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Listen, sugar lumps, word of advice -
0:06:39 > 0:06:41leave the man-mum stuff to the pros.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Don't want you to get hurt.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Gerty... Mary...
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Tom... Tim...
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Runny nose.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Moustache. Stupid face.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Tit.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Come along, Mother.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55THUNDER CRASHES
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Ooh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I am not entering a sexist competition like that.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Like I don't have enough to do with all the washing and cleaning.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Look, Tom, I am not a woman to hang on to a grudge...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13but that auld bag out there cannot beat us again.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I will have my revenge.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18No way. I am not doing it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Are you ready, Tom?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Ready. Right. Now, remember,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26some things you hoover up, some you don't. Got it?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Got it. OK. Go.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31VACUUM WHIRS Rice.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Hoover, Tom, hoover.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37That's it, Tom, nice steady strokes.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I know how to bloody hoover, Mum.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Lego!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45No, no, no, Tom.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48VACUUM STOPS Disqualified.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50That's a rookie mistake.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53They will get you on that every time.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Remember, destroy the dirt, leave the Lego.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Right, we'll try the team song.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00We have a team song?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02# One, two, three, four
0:08:02 > 0:08:04# We like a tidy floor
0:08:04 > 0:08:06# Five, six, seven, eight
0:08:06 > 0:08:08# Dirt and Lego separate. #
0:08:10 > 0:08:13# One, two, three, four
0:08:13 > 0:08:15# We like a tidy floor # We love a tidy...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17# Five, six, seven, eight
0:08:17 > 0:08:19# Gerty Howlett terminate
0:08:19 > 0:08:21# Three, five, seven, nine... #
0:08:21 > 0:08:24That title was rightly mine!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Er, Mum...
0:08:31 > 0:08:32OK.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Ready, Mary?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35OK, kids.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36VACUUM WHIRS Run!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Scissors!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Tom, Tom, Tom! The kids are running with scissors in the house.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43For God's sake, do something!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45These are so sharp and I'm running so fast!
0:08:45 > 0:08:46I'm hoovering!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50You got to multitask if you want to be a man-mum.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I'm going to have my eye out with these!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Kids out, Pat in. Pat.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Where's me dinner?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Get it yourself!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Oh, no, no, no, Tom.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03You might think that, but you would never say it out loud.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08No, you simply smile and serve up a feast fit for MasterChef.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I can't do this, Mum. There's too much to remember.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You've got to keep on top of it, son.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18The judges could pop in at any moment and try to catch you out.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20That's how they do it. SHE GASPS
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Your husband needs attention.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23He's only just got in from work. Slippers!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25HE SHRIEKS
0:09:25 > 0:09:27OK.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Slippers.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Ah, you haven't warmed these up.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Oh, my God!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33They're not going on properly.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35His feet are rejecting them!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Where's me cup of tea?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38VACUUM WHIRS
0:09:43 > 0:09:45VACUUM STOPS
0:09:49 > 0:09:52He'll never be ready, Roddy.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I can't work with this.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Come on, Pat. We might as well leave.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00It seems that Gerty Howlett has beaten us once again.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03One, two, three, four...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05MARY: Pat! I'll have to go.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Come on, mate. Up you get.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I can't. I'm too tired, Roddy.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11I'm too tired.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Aye, son. Being a man-mum is a hell of a task, isn't it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17You coulda been a contender, son.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20You coulda been a contender, huh?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Shame about that lovely wee car, as well.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27HE GROANS
0:10:27 > 0:10:28ELAINE, ECHOING: Tom...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Elaine?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35ANGELIC FLOURISH
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Elaine!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Get up off your arse.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41You've got a holiday to win.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I can't. I'm done.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44I am done.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47That's what I said when I was pushing Dylan out at the hospital
0:10:47 > 0:10:48but what did you say to me?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52"If you think you have it bad, you want to see it from this end."
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That's right, you did. But you were still there for me.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You're my man.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02OK. All right, then. We'll start in the morning.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04No, we'll start now. Come on.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07HE GROANS Oh, I've been training all day.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Mum made me do awful things. I had to cut Dad's toenails.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12I threw up twice.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Come on, Tom. Do it for your mum.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Do it for me.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Do it for yourself, Tom. That's all that matters.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23That's all that matters? And the car and the holiday in Spain.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25But yes, Tom. Do it for yourself.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Can you do it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I can't hear you.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Yes. Ugh!
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Tim wouldn't quit.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35HE GASPS Oh, yeah.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37He just keeps going and going.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38He never stops.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43He makes me sick with his moustache and his positivity
0:11:43 > 0:11:44and his moustache!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, I'll show him!
0:11:46 > 0:11:47The moustache face.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49VACUUM WHIRS
0:11:49 > 0:11:50That's my man-mum!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Who's a man-mum?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I am!
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Yes!
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Agh!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Ooh!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Waargh!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10HE COUGHS
0:12:15 > 0:12:17The Hoover's broken!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Ready, Tim?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25HE GRUNTS Ready.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You have mastered the spirit of the Hoover,
0:12:27 > 0:12:28the ways of the washing
0:12:28 > 0:12:30and the power of the iron.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Now you must conquer the harshest housewife environment -
0:12:34 > 0:12:36the kitchen. Conquer the kitchen, yes.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Be at one with the cupboards and the floor.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I am the door. I feel the hinge.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Are you ready, Tim?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Ready.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Go!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by Psy
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Cupcakes!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Decorate!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Dainty, dainty!
0:12:59 > 0:13:00The dinner, Tim!
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Time? Three minutes, 19 seconds!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Get in! Yes!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28We'll show those judges...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31and that Mary Whyte and her so-called son.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34THEY CHUCKLE
0:13:38 > 0:13:40TIM AND GERTY'S LAUGHTER ECHOES
0:13:41 > 0:13:43TOM PANTS
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Time?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Nine hours, 28 minutes and seven seconds.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I'm so tired, Elaine!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56We're all tired, Tom.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59God! We're never going to get to go on holiday.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I quit!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I didn't raise a quitter!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Mum! What are you doing here at this hour?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10She dragged me out of my bed.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14I was having a lovely dream of living on a chocolate boat
0:14:14 > 0:14:16with biscuits for oars,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18sails of sweet rice paper,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20floating on a caramel sea.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Shut up, Jabba!
0:14:22 > 0:14:23You...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You need to dig deep.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You need to get in touch with your inner mammy.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36Tom...there are three stages to finding your inner mammy.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40The first stage is to find the right mammy face.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Now...
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Sad mammy.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47HE WHIMPERS
0:14:47 > 0:14:48No!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Never let them see that you're hurting.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Let the pain that you're feeling fester within you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Now, sad mammy.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Good, Tom, good.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Sad mammy.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01HE WHIMPERS No!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Always look happy!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Angry mammy!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08HE GROWLS No! Hide it!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Come on! Look, you've no money in your bank account,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14the bills are flying through the door
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and your husband just drank all the Christmas presents.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Come on, come on! HE WHIMPERS
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I-I can't! I can't!
0:15:20 > 0:15:21No, no, no, no!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I told you, I will not tolerate quitters.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Now, sad mammy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Sad, angry, happy.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Come on! Sad mammy.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Good, Tom. Good, Tom. Good, Tom. HE WHIMPERS
0:15:36 > 0:15:37HE GIGGLES
0:15:40 > 0:15:45Now, Tom, you need to master the relaxation techniques of the mammy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47What?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You need to go to a small, dark place where no-one can see you.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51OK.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Surround yourself with cushions and scented candles.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I'm too tired to light candles.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01You need to go to that tiny, tranquil place
0:16:01 > 0:16:03in the very middle of your soul
0:16:03 > 0:16:05and you need to fill it...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07with gin.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13This is the final phase and the most difficult, Tom -
0:16:13 > 0:16:16coping with the crap that comes out of their air hole.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I don't know why I go to the doctor any more.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21He's normally a young fella, so I should be telling him
0:16:21 > 0:16:22what's wrong with him,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24instead of him telling me what's wrong with me.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Just ignore him, Tom.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28He's talking, his lips are moving, but there's nothing there.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Don't let him break you.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Good man, Tom. Keep going.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32No-one wants to know.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35You get to my age and there's no point in living.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37They make the steps on the buses higher,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39so pensioners like me can't get up on them.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41It's just noise.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You know what you don't see any more?
0:16:43 > 0:16:44A fella with a good hump.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47When I was a lad, they were ten a penny.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51You head off into town now and you'd be hard pressed to find a good hump.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Hold.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I blame this cosmetic surgery that has made humps extinct.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Time? 48 seconds.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Well done, Tom. Fine man yourself, Tom.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03You know, I don't know how I'm still alive,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05listening to that muck all my life.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Do you think he's ready, Mary?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I don't know. Oh, he must be.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Tom?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15HE PANTS
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Where's my best tea set?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21He's ready.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Very good, Tom. Very good.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Oh, great. Me favourites.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36No!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39DOORBELL RINGS
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Who's that? Pat!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Two weird-looking blokes, with blazers.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48The judges. I knew there'd be no warning.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Remember your inner mammy and stay focused.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53They'll try to trip you up at every corner.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54OK.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Ladies and gentlemen, the judges.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Mr O'Reilly...
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and Mr McGrath. You're very welcome.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I am Mary...
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Ah, the great Mary Whyte, from the famous face-off of '78.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08A true contender.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Yes, a true contender.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14And tell me, did you have many entries this year, sirs?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Oh, er, many, many entries, Mary.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Well, thank you for coming, gentlemen.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28And this is my son Tom.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29BOTH: Hello, Tom.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Hello, sirs. Hello.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37This must be the good wife and these must be your young lads.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Yes, this is Drew. He's nine.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41This is Dylan. He's 12.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43And this is Elaine - she's...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45my wife.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Tom, you have a very tidy home
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and the children haven't spoken... so far.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54But don't you find that children are the natural enemy
0:18:54 > 0:18:58of a tidy, well-run home?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Oh, yeah, sure.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04If it wasn't for my wife, I would've sold them to the circus ages ago.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Very good. Very good.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10But of course, as a, er, caring househusband...
0:19:10 > 0:19:11I'm only joking!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Double bluff! Excellent work, Tom.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17We're done with you now.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20You may go to the garden and play with your hoops.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And now...your wife.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Hello.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32So, tell me - how long are you together?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Ooh, er... Tom?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh, er... How long, Tom?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38HE MUTTERS
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Er... Is it 15 and a half years?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Correct!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I've never been wrong about a lady's face yet.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It's almost as if you can tell what they're thinking.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Excellent. Please take a seat.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And finally, just a few questions.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Oh, no problem.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06What's the best way of descaling a kettle -
0:20:06 > 0:20:09white vinegar, marbles or a sand blaster?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12A sand... No, no - white vinegar.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14How often should you clean your lavatory?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, it's, er, once a... SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh! Every time it's used.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21What should you do after handling raw chicken?
0:20:21 > 0:20:26Oh, disinfect the work surfaces, boil the knife and burn your clothes.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31And finally, Tom, if I spilled red wine on this carpet,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34would I clean it up with a mop, pour salt on it,
0:20:34 > 0:20:35or dab it with a tissue?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37None of the above.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I wouldn't let red wine in this good room.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Well, we've seen enough.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I'm sorry to say that...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52POUNDING HEARTBEATS
0:20:54 > 0:20:55..you've got to pack your bags.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58You're coming all the way to Birmingham
0:20:58 > 0:21:01for the finals of Househusband of the Year.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03MUSIC: "The Final Countdown" by Europe
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Thanks very much. Brilliant!
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Oh, well done, son.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09And to think, you'll be up against your neighbour.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Yes, Tim Curtain.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Good day to you.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Gerty Howlett.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:21:26 > 0:21:31ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Househusband Of The Year!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:37And please welcome your host, Mr Roni Broad!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Yes, indeed, welcome to the Househusband Of The Year.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51The first of its kind, coming to you from the great metropolis of...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Birmingham, yes. But firstly, ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57would you please welcome our intrepid contestants.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Firstly we have Tim - it's curtains for you - Curtain!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03MUSIC: "I Got the Power" by Snap
0:22:03 > 0:22:05THEY CHEER
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, look at that. Ha-ha!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11And then we have Tom - whiter than white - Whyte!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14MUSIC: "Daddy Cool" by Boney M
0:22:18 > 0:22:20That's great, huh?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Fantastic, fantastic. Smashing tracksuits.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Tell me, lads, how are you feeling, Tom?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I'm sharper than a crease on a freshly ironed pair of slacks!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Very good.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36And you, Tim? Hotter than a polycotton duvet on a boil wash!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Oh, very good. Very good. So tell me, Tom,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43what would winning Househusband Of The Year mean to you, huh?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Well, Roni, I just want to be a good role model for my family.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48CHEERING That's lovely, lovely.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51And Tim? To hold that trophy aloft
0:22:51 > 0:22:53and then ram it down Tom's neck!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55AUDIENCE EXCLAIM IN SHOCK
0:22:55 > 0:22:57But I'd polish it first!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59CHEERING
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Well, audience, I think Tom and Tim are ready to be...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06ALL: A man-mum!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09MUSIC: "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Snappy with that nappy.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15# I get knocked down But I get up again
0:23:15 > 0:23:17# You're never gonna keep me down
0:23:17 > 0:23:19# I get knocked down But I get up again
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# You're never gonna keep me down
0:23:21 > 0:23:24# I get knocked down But I get up again
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# You're never gonna keep me down. #
0:23:26 > 0:23:29RONI: Bash out the bootees.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Kill him, Dad!
0:23:35 > 0:23:36CHEERING
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Plump up the volume!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:57 > 0:23:59The boys are starting to get a bit tired now.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Tom Whyte didn't have a great shampoo and set round there, huh?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Well, after 34 rounds,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10our two valiant househusbands are neck and neck,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14which means this final round will be the decider.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Ladies and gentlemen, the grand finale.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23So, firstly our men will have to find a single red sock,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25which is hidden here in this white laundry.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Then on to scrub that toilet clean, and finally on to
0:24:29 > 0:24:33our famous ten-metre Hoover dash to the finish line.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Are you ready, men?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Right. On your marks.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Get set.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Go!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Right, there they go now.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44They're off to try and find that single red sock
0:24:44 > 0:24:47amongst all of that white lot of... Oh, Tim's out first.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Good man, Tim, well done.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Tom is struggling a bit here,
0:24:50 > 0:24:51but he should be able to find it somewhere.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Tom's out now. Good man, Tom. Off he goes.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, look at that.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Our boys are scrubbing for their lives.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02That's it. Come on, lads. You can do it.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Give them a bit of encouragement there, folks. Come on.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Yes!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oh, very good, but Curtain's only a flush behind him!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16To the ten-metre Hoover dash!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19MUSIC: "Song 2" by Blur
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Quicker, Tom!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30THEY CHEER
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what a disaster!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44After 35 rounds, we may not have a winner.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I haven't seen a disaster like this since...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, do you remember the infamous Housewife Of The Year 1987? Huh!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53When poor old Audrey Jenkinson
0:25:53 > 0:25:55tragically got her own face caught in a Hoover.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Well, this is unprecedented. Both our finalists are incapacitated.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Talk to me now - what do you want to do? THEY CONFER
0:26:02 > 0:26:04If they have. Right. OK.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06All right, so listen, the judges have conferred.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10They will allow a substitution from each side -
0:26:10 > 0:26:14but is there anybody in here who's man enough to take it on?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16TENSE MUSIC
0:26:16 > 0:26:18BOTH: I'll do it!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Well, this is unbelievable.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Now we have two titans of Housewife Of The Year 1978 -
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Mary Whyte and Gerty Howlett. Ha-ha!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38They're once again locked in mortal combat
0:26:38 > 0:26:40for this prestigious trophy.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And may I say, girls, you haven't changed one bit.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45BOTH EXCLAIM
0:26:45 > 0:26:46There we are. Now, are we ready?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48On your marks.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Get set.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Go!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# Slam it to the left If you're having a good time
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# Shake it to the front Ha-ha, go round
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# Slam it to the left If you're having a good time
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine... #
0:27:04 > 0:27:06VACUUM WHIRS
0:27:06 > 0:27:08POUNDING HEARTBEAT
0:27:10 > 0:27:13MARY: 'I could have had it all but you had a runny nose.'
0:27:22 > 0:27:24MUSIC: "She" by Elvis Costello
0:27:24 > 0:27:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:34# She
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# Who always seemed so happy in a crowd
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
0:27:41 > 0:27:46# No-one's allowed to see them when they cry... #
0:27:46 > 0:27:48THEY CHANT: Mary! Mary!
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Pat!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I'm here! I love you, Mary.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I love you too, Pat!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56ALL CHEER
0:27:56 > 0:27:57# That I'll remember
0:27:57 > 0:28:02# Till the day I die
0:28:02 > 0:28:07# She may be the reason I survive
0:28:07 > 0:28:11# The why and wherefore I'm alive
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# The one I'll care for
0:28:13 > 0:28:16# Through the rough and ready years
0:28:16 > 0:28:20# Me, I'll take her laughter
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# And her tears
0:28:22 > 0:28:25# And make them all my souvenirs
0:28:25 > 0:28:29# For where she goes I've got to be
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# The meaning of my life is
0:28:33 > 0:28:41# She
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Oh, she. #
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd