0:00:03 > 0:00:06Right. Night-night, Drew. How's that loose tooth of yours?
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- Fine. - Well, as soon as it comes out,
0:00:08 > 0:00:10we'll pop it under your pillow for the tooth fairy.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12It'll still be there in the morning.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14There's no such thing as fairies.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16What did you just say?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- There are so such things are fairies!
0:00:18 > 0:00:19- How do you know?
0:00:19 > 0:00:24Because, when I open that door at night to check you,
0:00:24 > 0:00:28they scatter all over the room, when they fly off your face.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30My face?!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Oh, no, not your face. Beside your face.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35In your hair. They sleep in your hair.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- Fairies in my hair?! - Oh, no, no! Well, not your hair!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40They're...they're... They live under the bed!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41- They just... - Under the bed! Ah!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- They're not there all the time! - All right! OK! All right, Drew!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Good night. Come on, Enid Blyton!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Oh...
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- I hate fairies! - No, you don't.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I know I'm meant to respect you, Dad, but you don't make it easy.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Fairies!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Oh, my God. This is terrible. This is terrible!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04They don't believe in fairies!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06They're gonna need one of my little lessons.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, not like the little lesson you gave them last Christmas.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11(OWL HOOTS)
0:01:14 > 0:01:15- (WIND HOWLS) - (HE GRUNTS)
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Agh!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Whoa-ooh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Merry Christmas!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24(CRASH!)
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Most children get to meet Santa in a grotto. Ours met him in A
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# I think I'll rest a little more
0:01:32 > 0:01:37# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Something easy, I'll find hard
0:01:39 > 0:01:44# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:01:44 > 0:01:48# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:01:48 > 0:01:52# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:01:55 > 0:02:00# But I wouldn't change a thing. #
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Dylan!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Oh...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07(HE BLOWS)
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Dylan!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Come on, you're gonna be late.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Dylan!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15OK, OK. What?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You're gonna be late for school. Where's your brother?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19He's in the downstairs loo.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh! Drew!
0:02:21 > 0:02:22- DREW: What? - (TOILET FLUSHES)
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You're gonna be late. Come on!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Why did you need so long in the loo?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- I was having an iPoo.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36An iPoo. I told you not to have iPoos. Elaine. The iPoos?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Hmm? - Drew, come on!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40What if I need an iPoo at school?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Well, you can have a You-poo instead!
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Now pull up your trousers and get to school. Dylan, come on, school!
0:02:46 > 0:02:47(DYLAN SIGHS)
0:02:47 > 0:02:48God!
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Elaine!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Did you see that?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Elaine? - (FRONT DOOR SLAMS)
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Well, bye, Tom.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Oh, I'm having a Kindle delivered today, so can you make sure you're in?
0:03:02 > 0:03:07Oh, great, another gadget. Soon you'll replace me with a gadget.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I've already got a gadget to replace you, love.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11See ya!
0:03:12 > 0:03:13(DOOR SLAMS)
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Oh... A little bash of this.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Ooh...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- What about ye?! (LAUGHS) - Jesus!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23What are you doing up there, son?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- You're gonna need a wee shovel for that.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26- Oh, Roddy! Oh!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in the pub?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Oh, no, sure, don't worry about it. Ralf's looking after it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Ralf?!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, aye, don't worry about that there, fella.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36He's just back off holidays. He needs the money.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39(BARKS AND SNARLS)
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What are you doing? Are you packing? You're packing.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- We're running away! - No, we're not! No!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47We're all running away. Running away.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Do you know something? Know something? I've got a mate in the Congo, right?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52And we can just make him make us disappear!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53What do we need? We need some food. Food!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Pasta! Pasta. - Roddy, no!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- Cos you can't get pasta in the Congo.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00What about some ham? We can always use some ham for the travelling.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Another thing as well, we could get a couple of Thai brides.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06We could get like, we could get like, four wee ones or two big ones
0:04:06 > 0:04:07- or something like that. - Roddy!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- What? What? - We're not running away.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- We're not running away. - No.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I'm just collecting up a few gadgets,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15cos I'm sick of the things going on in this house
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and I'm gonna hide these gadgets from the family for a little while.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- What, all the gadgets? - Yep.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24All of them! They're ruining the kids' imaginations.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Dylan and Drew were playing hide-and-seek the other day
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and Dylan used the sat nav to find Drew.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Oh, and Drew is hooked on iPoos.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Elaine would rather make love to her phone than me.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's probably because of the vibrate button, son.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Roddy!
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Take that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- (HE SIGHS) - Do you know what we could do?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48We could bring all your stuff down to my pub
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and it'd be safe down there. I'd look after it for ya.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Oh.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Yeah, I suppose that could be good. - Yeah.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56But don't let anybody touch the stuff.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00And don't sell it to anyone.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Why would I sell that?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Say it. - Of course I'm not gonna sell it.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Happy days.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- (RALF BARKS) - One, two, one, two.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Hello. Lovely, lovely. - (BARKING CONTINUES)
0:05:25 > 0:05:26(SAUSAGES SIZZLE)
0:05:26 > 0:05:28What's that, boy? Oh, lad!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Got the doggy porn for you!
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Gentlemen! Roddy's Internet Cafe is now open.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Ha-ha!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- MARY: Honest to God! Unbelievable. - (DOOR SLAMS)
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Totally unbelievable! Hello, son.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Hiya, Mum. - Guess what this eejit just did.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I don't know, but you're gonna tell me anyway?
0:05:48 > 0:05:52We got the bus over here today. This woman gets off the bus with her kids,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and your father decides to help and lifts the kid off for her.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Well done, Dad. - I thought she needed my help.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Turns out the woman has only two kids,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02but your father lifted a third child off.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Who's that child? - Nobody's.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08The third child wasn't a child.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It was a little man!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I was so embarrassed!
0:06:13 > 0:06:17How was I to know? Anyway, I lifted him back on again.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18That only made it worse!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22No, it didn't! Sure, I'm meeting him later for a pint.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33(DOOR CLOSES)
0:06:33 > 0:06:37RODDY: What about ye?! (LAUGHS) Tom, a quick question now.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39The password to your iPad. It's your date of birth, isn't it?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45What is your dad doing? Look at him spinning around like a dog in a basket.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47What's going on?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I don't know. Is Dad OK, Mum?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I'm not sure. He's very uneasy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- You're very uneasy, Pat. - This isn't right.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- What's not right? - I don't know!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58The TV's gone.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- The TV's gone. - The TV's gone.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01- TV's gone. - Yeah...
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Oh right, yeah, TV's gone.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Why is the TV gone? - Yeah, you don't need a TV.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You and Dad don't need a TV.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11It's not natural in this day and age not to have a TV.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Sure, what would I have to look at if I didn't have a TV?
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Look at Mum.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27It's like he's never met me before.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I think this is the longest I've ever looked at your mother.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Oh, look, they're gonna have a conversation
0:07:33 > 0:07:36without going through the television first.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Good one, Tom.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Ah, no, this isn't right. - No!
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Nearly, Tom, nearly!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Hi. - Hi.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- TOM: Oh, hi, kids. - (DYLAN WALKS UPSTAIRS)
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Hi, Dylan, how was school?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- (NO REPLY) - Oh, great, thanks, good to know(!)
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Hiya, Dylan! And there's Drew.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Hi, Gran.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56O...M...G!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58The TV's gone. Dad?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Where are my X-Box, laptop, Wii, Wii-U,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Nintendo DS, PlayStation, iPad and Nano?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Jeez, Tom, go the whole nine yards and get that wee lad a jet pack or something!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Dylan! The TV's gone. - The TV's gone?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14No, look, me and Roddy, right...
0:08:14 > 0:08:15But mostly Tom.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Yeah, we've just popped the gadgets away for...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- Mainly Tom. - Yeah, mainly me,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22popped them away for a little while. OK?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24We're gonna try a week without any tech stuff,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26and I guarantee your little lives will be better.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Get those imaginations going again.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Can I use that old car tyre out the back?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Drew and I could use a stick to push it along the road.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Yes, yes, yes.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Never! Epic fail!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Have my stuff back in my room in one hour!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, and I'll be taking this too.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44How will I stay in touch with my friends?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Try talking to them.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Talk to them? With my mouth?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49My God, you are so yesterday!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Oh, what are you angry about?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58How will I manage without my iPoos?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Not very well I imagine, Father!
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Not...very...well!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08(DOOR SLAMS)
0:09:08 > 0:09:10In your day, I wouldn't let you slam doors.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12We didn't have any, Mum, remember?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Dad replaced them all.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I couldn't stand all the banging.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- # You spin me right round, baby... # - I don't believe it!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You said I could go. It's not fair!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I'll climb out the window. That's how I'll get out.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Oh! I hate living in this house!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- I hate it! Agh! - (DOORS SLAM BACK)
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Ah, I see you're still in training
0:09:33 > 0:09:36for the sitting on your arse all day competition, Tom.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39(ELAINE SIGHS)
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Why is there an empty space there? - The TV's gone, Elaine.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Where's my TV, Tom?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, I just thought there was too many gadgets in this house, so...
0:09:47 > 0:09:51you know, I got rid of them. For about a week.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You know, so it'll be no to technology
0:09:54 > 0:09:57and yes to funology.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yay!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Yay.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And, on that note, we'd better head off, Mary.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08You need to watch yourself in here now, Elaine.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10With no TV, no-one knows where to sit.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- Ah, stay a bit longer, Dad. - Ah, you've got rid of the TV, son.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17There's nothing here for us now.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Come on, Mary.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Goodbye son.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I'll try and visit you soon.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33(FRENCH ACCENT) Bon soir, my little petit pois. Bon soir.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35If this has anything to do with you, Roddy,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I'll hang you up there by your knackers and we'll watch you for the night.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Oh, kinky. (LAUGHS)
0:10:43 > 0:10:45(BOTH SIGH)
0:10:47 > 0:10:48What are you doing, Drew?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52I'm going for a yo-yo poo, cos Dad stopped my iPoos.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Oh, Mum, please sort this out.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Think of your children.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I bid you a good evening.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08So, shall we have an early night?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11What? Ooh, I'll go have a wash.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, we can't.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Why?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Because, until that TV is safe and sound back in this house,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20there will be no more early nights for you.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Oh, relax, the stuff's at Roddy's!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- (HE GRUNTS) - Our stuff is at Roddy's?!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27(MUFFLED) Yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Is our stuff safe at Roddy's?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32(MUFFLED) Yes.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- (MEN SHOUTING) - (GLASS SMASHES)
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Bye, love. - Sort this.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Just sort it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Here you go. School bag.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Hug-a-roonies!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Things are getting really annoying around here, Tom.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Oh, no, trust me, Elaine. Drew will have soon forgotten all about his iPoos
0:12:10 > 0:12:12and I bet you Dylan's in school right now,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14thanking me for taking his phone off him.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18CHILDREN CHANT: Phoneless! Phoneless! Phoneless! Phoneless!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Phoneless! Phoneless!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22(JEERING)
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Sort it out, Tom, and talk to the boys. They're not happy.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Oh, they will be after school. I've got a great thing set up in the garden
0:12:29 > 0:12:31that's going to be better than any of those gadgets.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33OK, boys...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37As a man, or little chaps, what you need...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39is a good stick.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- Isn't that right, Roddy? - Oh, yes. A good stick.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Yeah. There you go, OK? - That's my favourite stick.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Yeah, I know, probably use that one for now.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Ah, here are the sticks, boys. There you go.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52One for you. One for you. Eh? Huh?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54This is boring. I need my phone back, Dad.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Oh, come on, Dylan. Just try, all right?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59So it's you and Drew against me and Roddy, OK?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- What are we doing? - Er, war!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- The sticks are guns, remember? - What?
0:13:04 > 0:13:05But you're holding that wrong.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08That's the wrong way round and liable to go off in your hand. Have it that way.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I can't be holding it the wrong way round. It's a stick.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14The sticks are guns, all right? OK, ready, watch this, look.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Machine gun, right? Watch. Listen to this, right?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu! Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Yeah, all right? - DYLAN: No, no.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Isn't it - drr-drr-drr-drr?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Er... - DREW: Nah, nah, it's this.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Brr-rr-rr-rr!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29That's not bad. It's not bad. Here, watch. I'll shoot Roddy. I'll show you, right.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31We'll show with Roddy, OK? Here we go. Ready?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu! Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu! OK, ready?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Rocket launcher.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Boom! All over the place!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Yeah!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Light sabres! - (RODDY LAUGHS)
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Baseball bat! - No, get...
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Tom, Tom! What are you doing? That's not how you wage war.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Where's your organisation? Where's your strategy?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Balloons!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56(# FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Two Tribes)
0:13:56 > 0:13:58(LAUGHS)
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Unleash hell, boys.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11# When two tribes go to war a point is all that you can score
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- # Score no more, score no more... # - TOM: Frisbee!
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- Frisbee! - # ...a point is all that you can score!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- # Workin' for the bad guys! - # Cowboy number one
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- # A born again poor man's son... # - We're out of balloons!
0:14:29 > 0:14:33It's OK. I've got this.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Biological warfare! Retreat.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Woo-hoo! Victory! Victory!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- DYLAN: We did it, Dad. - RODDY: Huh? Huh?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- DYLAN: We won. - Aw, let's do that again.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Uh-huh. There's just one more thing, boys.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- What? - There's one more thing.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Poo on a stick! - (ALL YELL)
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Poo on a stick! - DREW: Agh! Agh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Poo on a stick! - (ALL YELL)
0:15:03 > 0:15:05On a stick! Poo on a stick!
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Agh!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09I'll leave you to that, Tom.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Elaine!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
0:15:13 > 0:15:14- You... - No.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17...are so dead!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I'm just playing!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Yoo-hoo! - (TOM SHOUTING)
0:15:21 > 0:15:24TOM: No! Oh, God!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- (ELAINE GRUNTS) - TOM: Oh, God!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Maybe we should go back out and ring the door bell first.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Well, I raised a good man. - What?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Shut up and go out, so we can come back in again.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Right, well, we better be off. I don't like to miss me Crimewatch.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I'm very good with the mug shots. I could sit there all night.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Robber. Robber. Drug dealer. Robber. Robber.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Flasher. Mugger. I know them all.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Maybe we should give the telly a miss tonight, love.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Are you all right? Did you bang your head?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07It's hard to tell these days, what with the shape of it and all.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12No, no, no, no. I was just saying that maybe Tom isn't wrong, you know?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Maybe we should put the telly away for a while.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Why would we do that?
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Well, because all this no telly business has made me realise something.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I think I like your face.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Did you hear that?
0:16:27 > 0:16:3145 years married, and that's the nicest thing he's ever said to me!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"I think I like your face."
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Come on, love. So we can go home and have a good old gossip
0:16:37 > 0:16:40and I can get a chance to look at you some more.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I'll open the HobNobs, so.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43The chocolate ones?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Yes, the chocolate ones, seeing as you like me face so much.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Night, all. Love yous. - Bye!
0:16:50 > 0:16:51- Lovely dinner, Elaine. - Aw!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- PAT: I love your knees too. - MARY: Don't push it!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Oh, my God, did you see that?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00- (FRONT DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, whoa!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Never seen Dad be that nice to Mum ever!
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Woo-hoo.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Oh...
0:17:11 > 0:17:12- Elaine? - Yeah?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I think I like your face.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And a HobNob's all you'll get off me too.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20(HE SIGHS)
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- My tooth is really loose now, Mum. - Is it? Let's have a look.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Ow! - Oh, oh, Elaine!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What? It was hanging by a thread.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Give me my tooth. I'm going to bed.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Oh, all right, narky knickers!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Don't forget to put it under your pillow!
0:17:36 > 0:17:41I told you. I don't believe in that stupid stuff! Now night!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- I'll go put ?1 under his pillow. - OK.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46But that's all.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48All right.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20DREW: Agh! Agh!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24They're real! They're real! They're real! The fairies are real!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Tom! - What?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Look, Tom! The bloody fairies were here!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Ooh, so they were!
0:18:33 > 0:18:38And they've walked all over his face. All over his face in black paint!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41That's really, really hard to get off a child's face!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I'm going to see if I can pull any more of my teeth out!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Dad, where are the pliers?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53What will I tell the teacher?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Tell them the truth. - Got it. Bye.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Do I have to go to school today?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- I don't feel well, Mum. - You're clearly fine.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06And, Dylan, if you're going to try and bunk off school,
0:19:06 > 0:19:07at least make some effort.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I'm not going without my phone.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Your phone? When I was a kid, I didn't need a phone!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16I was climbing trees, making dens, doing handstands,
0:19:16 > 0:19:22pulling wheelies on bikes, running for hours and hours and hours,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25and that's what's made me the man I am today.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Well, I definitely don't want to be the man you are today!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Come on, Tom.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37We've tried the no gadget thing and it hasn't really worked.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Yeah.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41So what do you say tonight we have a bit of telly,
0:19:41 > 0:19:46give the kids their stuff back, and have an early night.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh, hello.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Oh, Darren. Come to spray me with your scent?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03All right, Phoneless?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Can you step back a bit?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Why don't you ring ChildLine?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Oh, you can't. You're Phoneless! - (BOYS LAUGH)
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Very funny.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11- Yes, I am. - For a gorilla.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Poo breath!
0:20:13 > 0:20:14- Poo breath? - Poo breath.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Poo breath. Thank you, Darren.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Oh, no. Ah...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28No, no, no.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Tom, Tom, Tom, you should have called before you came over.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- The stuff! The stuff! - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh, is that my phone?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37He's just renting it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Phone call for Tom Whyte. - Er...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Thank you. Hello?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Yep.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Right. OK, I'm on me way. I'm on me way.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- (HE SIGHS) - Everything OK?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Oh, it's Drew. He's in the Headmaster's office.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59And, Roddy, OK, just get all this stuff back the way I gave it to you.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01The way you gave it to me.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- The way I gave it to you. - The way you gave it to me.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I'm your man. (SIGHS) Got away with that one!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Tom!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Mum? What are you doing?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- The chain fell off me bike. - Oh.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I've never seen you on a bike before, Mum.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Oh, we've taken a leaf out of your book, son.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30We've left the car at home. No telly. Only the wireless.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33We've gone back in time. We're cyclists, son.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35We're cyclists?
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Myself and your father.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38(HORN TOOTS)
0:21:38 > 0:21:40(MARY LAUGHS)
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Oh, my God. - (HORN TOOTS)
0:21:43 > 0:21:45How are you, son?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I couldn't trust him on a two-wheeler. He'd fall over and break his neck.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Enjoying the cycle, Dad? - Ah, yeah, great.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I like staying behind your mother. She's a great bum.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00I swear to God, Tom, having no telly has changed that man totally.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02And I mean totally.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Oh! Oh, no!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Look, I'm in a rush. I've got to get to Drew's headmaster.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Not like that you're not. You've oil all over your face.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10- Come here. - No, I'm OK.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11- No, it's OK. - (SHE SPITS)
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Don't... Oh, no! - Come here to me now.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16That's better...I suppose.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Look, I have to go, I'll see you later.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Right, we better be off so too, pet.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23- Come on. - Yup. Off we go.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Drew! Are you OK? What happened?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I told the truth. You know, about the fairies on my face.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I got into trouble for shooting a kid with a stick.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You're not to blame.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44(BELL RINGS)
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Mr Whyte. Come in.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Er, Mr McGovern, I'm very sorry about this, but...
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Drew's not entirely to blame for this.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Telling children that the fairies have left footprints on their faces
0:22:59 > 0:23:03in the middle of the night is a bit far fetched, wouldn't you think?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I'd love to know where he...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07gets it from.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15So you think that my child believing that fairies walked all over his face
0:23:15 > 0:23:18in the middle of the night a bit far fetched?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Yes. - Oh.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Drew... Just wait outside for a sec, will you,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26while I have a little chat with your headmaster?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- But, Dad, he's... - Drew, outside now.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I have something I want to show this man.
0:23:33 > 0:23:39What's wrong with kids believing in fairies?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42They're not little adults. They're little children.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Mr Whyte, please!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45How long have you been head of this school?
0:23:45 > 0:23:4622 years.
0:23:46 > 0:23:5122? You've been in charge of these kids' imaginations for 22 years?
0:23:51 > 0:23:56You've forgotten what it's like to be a child.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Here...hold this. - What?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- I don't understand. - No, wrong way round. This way.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06I'm gonna help you remember what it's like to be a kid again.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Well... - Yeah, good, here we go. Good man.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I'll be on the red team. You be on the blue team.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14- Fair enough. - All right? Yeah.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- HEADMASTER: Yee-agh! - (CRASHING AND BANGING)
0:24:17 > 0:24:19HEADMASTER: Somebody help me!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- HEADMASTER: Die! Die! Die! - TOM: Please! No.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- (TOM IMITATES GUNFIRE) - TOM: Ho-ho!
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Your imagination... is too powerful for me!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Come on, son.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53We're not gonna have any more trouble from him any more.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01There's everything back.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Where's the rest of the stuff, Roddy?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Well, um, a few drops of beer got on them, so I'm just drying them out.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11(LOUD CLATTERING)
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Telly time, I think.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Oh, I thought you were gonna wait... for a week.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- How was school, lads? - So Dad killed the head.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25What?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Turns out Dad was right. It's always handy to have a good stick.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Hello, Phoneless.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Ah, Darren. I have a little something for you.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Poo on a stick.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- It's poo! It's poo! - Poo on a stick!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick! - Agh!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Poo on a stick!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46(TV IS ON)
0:25:48 > 0:25:50(TV IS SWITCHED OFF)
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Really? Really?!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56We'll ration the TV.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Aw!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59What made you change your mind?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I heard what you did for Dylan and Drew. Pretty clever, for a nut-job!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Yeah, it was nothing. Well...
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Ooh, why don't we play Twister?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Who wants to play Twister? Yeah, come on, let's play some Twister!
0:26:12 > 0:26:17DREW: Can I play when nan's off the mat? She farts when she bends over.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19MARY: I do not!
0:26:19 > 0:26:23ELAINE: Right, here we go. Left foot green, Mary.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24(LOUD PARP!)
0:26:24 > 0:26:27TOM: Mum!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# I think I'll rest a little more
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# Something easy, I'll find hard
0:26:37 > 0:26:42# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:26:42 > 0:26:46# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:26:46 > 0:26:50# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# But I wouldn't change a thing. #