0:00:05 > 0:00:06Tom.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08What?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10There's something I have to tell you.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Look, I found a whistle in the bathroom.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Oh, good man. A whistle!
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Get that our of your mouth. It's not a whistle!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Oh, Mum! Drew, will you go and play in your bedroom, please?
0:00:20 > 0:00:21I need to speak to your father.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Stop that, Drew.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Tom, now, listen.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38It's not a whistle, is it? It's a pregnancy test.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Yes. Breathe. Breathe.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46Are we going to have a baby? We can't afford a baby.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Well...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Please tell me I'm not the father.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56# I think I'll rest a little more
0:00:56 > 0:01:00# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Something easy I'll find hard
0:01:03 > 0:01:07# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:01:07 > 0:01:11# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:01:11 > 0:01:15# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:01:15 > 0:01:18# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:01:18 > 0:01:23# But I wouldn't change a thing. #
0:01:25 > 0:01:28MUTTERS: Stupid baby guy.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Baby...
0:01:39 > 0:01:43MOCKING VOICE: Oh, baby, look, I'm pregnant.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48I'm pregnant. Oh, oh, oh.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Oh! My waters have broken!
0:02:04 > 0:02:11Oh, look. It's a little baby girl. Hello. We can't afford you.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17That's right. We cannot afford you.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Little baby.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21HE MAKES BABY TALK
0:02:26 > 0:02:30I'm collecting. Just collecting.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Do you want a sandwich?
0:02:31 > 0:02:36No! Ah, I've just remembered.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Oh...God.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43What about ye?!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46What's up with that neighbour of yours, Tom?
0:02:46 > 0:02:47He's seen me having a baby.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Maybe you can get some blinds for the downstairs bog, big lad.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53What? No, not... Oh, doesn't matter.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55What doesn't matter?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Ah, your man Brendan's seen Tom having a baby.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Who's having a baby?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59No-one's having a baby.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Sarah Murphy's having a baby and her mother is 86.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07What does it matter if Sarah Murphy's mother is 86?
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Who's having a baby?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Sarah Murphy's having a baby.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Is she? Her mother's 86 though.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I know, I know. I was only talking to Tom about it.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Talking to Tom about a baby. Yes.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Is Tom having a baby?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I thought Sarah Murphy was having a baby.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Are you having a baby, son?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Look, everyone, no-one is having a baby.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28He was having a shite.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Right, this is the last time I'm going to say this.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41The test was negative but I have had two kids
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and I feel pregnant.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46All right, all right. I get it. You feel pregnant.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Right, now, enough.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49OK, maybe I'm overreacting.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Yeah, well, you've taken it better than you did
0:03:51 > 0:03:54when I said I was pregnant with Dylan. Really? Yeah.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56What?! I know, I can't believe it.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I mean, I thought it was going to take a while
0:03:58 > 0:04:01but, you know, then it happened and I just...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Just a once off. And Drew?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Oh, my God, a baby!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I know, another one, I can't believe it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13So, listen, I'm going to have to sort out the house
0:04:13 > 0:04:15because, you know, I have to find some new space...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24OK, I promise this time I'll man up.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Well, let's not be unrealistic.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30Now, let's keep it to ourselves until we find out for sure, OK?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31OK.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35ALL: Congratulations!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Well done, Tom.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40When I said don't tell anyone, I especially meant this lot.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43We're going to be grandparents again.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Yeah, and you're not near 86, Mary.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48We're pregnant!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Roddy, if we were having a baby, we wouldn't need a midwife,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54we'd need a vet.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I'm just so happy.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Fair dos, son.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Always hard to knock another one out at your age.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Only 40, Dad.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I know, I know, but they're not so much swimmers at that age.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11They're more like OAPs queuing at a post office,
0:05:11 > 0:05:17nudging each other forward until one of them falls off the end.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18What now, woman?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Blabbing your mouth off about trouser action.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I hope you haven't told the kids.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Erm...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28KIDS: Congratulations!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Oh, mind the baby, son. Mind the baby there.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Where did you find that one?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You keep hiding them, I'll keep finding them.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Look, everyone, we don't even know if I'm pregnant
0:05:42 > 0:05:45until I've seen Dr Lang.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46So have you and Dad had sex?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I suppose so.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Whay! To the baby!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55To the baby. Uh-uh.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00HALF-HEARTEDLY: Cheers.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Dylan, where are we going to live now?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08What?!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12When the baby comes. Mum and Dad won't want us any more.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17We'll have to go to an orphanage like Annie and Oliver
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and learn how to... SINGS: Sing!
0:06:20 > 0:06:26Well, I won't have to go to an orphanage, but you might.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Why only me?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Because I'm nearly fully grown. You're not.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31They can still swap you if they like.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33What?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Yup, those are the rules.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36What should I do?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37You have to impress them somehow
0:06:37 > 0:06:39so they want to keep you instead of the baby.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43OK. I can do this.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50You'll defo be going if you do that. Mum and Dad hate mime.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53OK, how about this?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54TAKES A DEEP BREATH
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Come on, we're going to be late for school and work.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Yes, Dad! Anything for the best dad in the world.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I'm going to be back late from work because I'm going to see Dr Lang.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Oh, would you reckon we're going to have a baby?
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Maybe a baby.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Is it a baby baby or a maybe baby?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Well, we may be having a baby so it's a maybe baby.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Or maybe we won't be having a baby.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Oh, I'd say it's a definitely baby, not a maybe baby.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31You all right, Tom?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Mmm...yes?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You're looking a bit pale.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Am I?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Yeah. Oh.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Not starting to overreact, are you?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Nope. Sure?
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Yes.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44OK, right, come on then, kids.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46See you later, love. Bye, Dad.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47See yas.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Bye.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Bye.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53I'd love a bowl of coal.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20HE RETCHES
0:08:26 > 0:08:29What about ye?
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Roddy.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34What is it, Tom? You all right?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38I don't feel well at all. Here, do I...?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Do I look weird, Roddy?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Tom, we're Irish. It's our job to look weird.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47Look, here. Here, have a feel. Have a feel of that.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Hang on a minute, mate.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I know you're one of those stay-at-home wifey types,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53you know what I mean, but you're taking it a wee bit too far.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Number one, I'm not the milkman. Number two, you're not my type.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59They're bigger. I'm sure they are.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I've got moobs. You have moobs.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03I do not have moobs. You do.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Conical pecs.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Well, they're bigger than your moobs. Yep. They definitely... Yep.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12They are bigger. They're definitely...
0:09:15 > 0:09:16It's definitely bigger.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Isn't it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19It's getting bigger too.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It is.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Is that meant to get bigger?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I can see you're busy.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32The Church can wait.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Hell won't, though.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38OK.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Weirdo.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Look, Tom, I think I need to get out there.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Get myself a woman. You know?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56You sure that's a good idea after the speed dating scenario?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm from Belfast, own my own bar. Don't have a cat, do have a dog.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Probably got cats I don't know about. Same as the kids.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Only joking. Ha! I've got impetigo, bad back and I've never been to Paris.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Done the lot of ya!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10HE LAUGHS
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Write that down, sweetheart, fastest speed dater ever.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Tom, I need to get out there, get on the internet,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24let the girls know that Roddy's back in town, do you know what I mean?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Set up some dates and stuff. Pints, Friday?
0:10:27 > 0:10:32Erm, you know, I don't feel like I should be drinking any more.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Going to leave that blasphemy with you.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I'm out of here like Vladimir.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44My God. What's happening to me?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46What's wrong?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04TV: 'We've got buggies, baby grows and baby bargains galore.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08'At Motherland. Remember, all good mothers come to Motherland.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09'Come to Motherland.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13'Come to Motherland.'
0:11:14 > 0:11:20Must go to Motherland. Must go to Motherland.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Motherland!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Nope. No, definitely not.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Oh, yes.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Hi, my name is Janet.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I like pets and walking in the countryside. Fair enough.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I like nice conversation even though I'm a bit shy.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Aw, the quiet ones are the wild ones though.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I like archery, chess and bread-making.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54God, I love baps.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I'd like to meet a man with similar interests.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01GSOH essential.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04GSOH?
0:12:06 > 0:12:07GSOH.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14"Well, hello, Janet. My name is Roddy.
0:12:14 > 0:12:20"I like what you like and, don't worry, I have GSOH.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25"Good size of hands." Send.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Please don't be a bloke.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37So, those blood results will take a day or two.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39We'll call you then. OK, thank you, doctor.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Are you on your own? Yes, I am.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Jeez! Was.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Well?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54We still don't know. The doctor had to do a blood test.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Congratulations.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Are you deaf? She doesn't know. Now get rid of it.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01But it cost a tenner. I said to get rid of it!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07There you go, love. Congratulations on the baby.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I'm not pregnant.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Get out!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I am so sorry. Men - you can't live without them
0:13:15 > 0:13:18and if you kill them, you have to go to prison.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Get out! Get out.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Sorry.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Take it easy now, Elaine. We have you. We have you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Grab her other arm there, Pat.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I have her other arm, woman.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Now, breathe and take small steps, Elaine.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Will you get off me? Go and sit down, Pat.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I don't even know that I'm pregnant yet.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Well, a maybe baby is good enough for me.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Elaine? What?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48You better come in here quick.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51MUSIC: THEME FROM "BLACK BEAUTY"
0:13:51 > 0:13:54HE SINGS ALONG THROUGH SOBS
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Help me!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Tom! You said you weren't gonna overreact.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07This is the worst yet.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I'm sorry.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11We can't afford all this stuff.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I couldn't help it. I just thought it might just cheer me up.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Oh, will you stop weeping?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Oh, I can't help it. I'm just so happy!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23We don't even know for sure yet whether I'm pregnant.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26It's just that Roddy, he texted and, er...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28he has a date.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Isn't that beautiful? HE SOBS
0:14:33 > 0:14:36But not... Not as beautiful as these.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Give me that. You're starting to stress me out.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I'm the one who might be pregnant, not him.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Christ, soon his boobs'll be bigger than mine.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I'm right here, you know!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Yeah, we all know where you are, Tom, you take up half the room.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55HE GASPS That is so hurtful.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Can you believe this?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I blame his father.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's not Pat's fault, Mary.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Ah, no, she blames me for everything.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08She even asked me where I was when JFK was shot.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12No, you eejit, that's just something people ask -
0:15:12 > 0:15:16like, "Where were you when Princess Diana died?"
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I didn't do that either, woman.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Elaine, this exact same thing happened to this eejit
0:15:24 > 0:15:26when I was pregnant with Tom.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29A full-blown sympathetic pregnancy.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37HE GROANS
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Pat doesn't even remember it, do you, Pat?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Remember what?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Is it your birthday? Oh, God. No, not our anniversary.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, you look lovely, Mary.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Is it your hair? Have you had your hair done?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52How would you even know?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You spend all your time ogling that woman from across the road.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58For God's sake, woman, she only tucked me shirt in once.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Am I to be punished for it for the rest of me life?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Is Dad having a baby, Mum?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06He thinks he is.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Two babies?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Aargh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:14TEARFULLY: They're such great kids. I love them.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Oh, I need to calm down. Oh, getting a bit stressed.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20WHALE SONG PLAYS
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I cannot take much more of this. What's the cure, Mary?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30I don't know. Pat went all the way with his.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'm not taking this for nine months!
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Can you look after the kids, Mary?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37No bother, love. Come on, Tom. We're going to the doctor.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Oh, good idea, a check up.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Ooh!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Oh, I hope she warms her hands before she checks me down there.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Grandad?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Yes, Drew?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I was wondering if you could help me with a school project.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Ah, no worries. I love a bit of homework myself.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Great. First question -
0:17:07 > 0:17:10where do babies come from?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Mary!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14MARY: I'm busy!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Babies?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Yeah, babies. Where do they come out?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Mary, I need you!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Is it...here?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Or...here?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Is it...
0:17:33 > 0:17:34..here?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Mary!
0:17:42 > 0:17:43So, how is he?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Well, he seems fine.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I've taken some urine and blood samples in case of any fever,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52but although sympathetic pregnancies are quite rare in men,
0:17:52 > 0:17:53he is showing all the signs.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Did I mention my cracked areolae?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Yes, many times.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Well, let's hope it wears off soon, eh?
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Oh, Elaine, when we get home,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06can we get some Vaseline for my bruised and battered nipples?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Good luck with that.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Listen, thanks, Doc, you've been brilliant. Thanks.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15OK... Great.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18So brilliant. So nice to me. All right.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Come on, leave the doctor now. That's OK.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Yeah, let's get you home, love,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26before you start lactating all over the place.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I think I got a little bit on her top.
0:18:33 > 0:18:39And so, in conclusion, yes, that is where babies come from.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Right. Well...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49that's that all cleared up, then.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Yep. And now I know where it's going to come out,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I can capture it and then hide it.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Why would you want to do that, love?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I have to stop this baby coming, cos if I don't,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Mum and Dad are gonna get rid of me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Who told you that, son?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10The one they're going to keep. Dylan.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Oh, did he, now?
0:19:12 > 0:19:18Yep. And now, I must get back to the "stop the baby" planning room.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Hi, Drew.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24TOM SIGHS
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh, I'll just go for another wee.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Everything all right with the boys?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh, yeah. Yeah, we, er...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32We learned a thing or two.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Any luck at the doctor's?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37What, with Mother Goose out there?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40No. No luck. She said I have to humour him.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I keep getting that mixed up with wanting to smack him in the face.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Drew thinks he has to leave once the baby comes.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Who told him that?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Our little pal Dylan.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54What about ye?! HE CHUCKLES
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Roddy. I didn't know you were appearing in court today.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Got a wee surprise for yous. Is Tom about?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Oh, is he? He's in the toilet having a baby.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I think the father might be that Chinese meal we had the other night.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12There's somebody I'd like yous to meet.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Oh, Roddy. Exciting!
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Is it Mary Berry? I hope so. I love her cakes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Not as much as I love yours.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Janet, I'd like you to meet Mary.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27ON LAPTOP: 'Hello.'
0:20:27 > 0:20:29And this is Elaine.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31'Hello, nice to meet you.'
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And this is Pat.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Where is she?
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Hello?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41She's in here, Pat. Look. In there.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Is your date a film?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Oh, eejit! even I know she's online.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50SHOUTING: Hello, Janet.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55I'm Mary and this eejit here is Pat.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Hello, Janet!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Hello, everybody.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Ooh, you have such a...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Such a lovely house.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Well, this isn't weird at all.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, who's that?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Isn't she lovely, Elaine?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Oh, there you are, Elaine.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I know it's a bit odd but when I first saw Roddy on screen,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19the way the camera captured his face.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I know, like a chimp sneezing.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I just... I fell for him immediately.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I couldn't wait to meet him in person, so...I just went for it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31And have you been out the country long, Janet?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33No, I'm in Watford.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37But we've had such a good time.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41We've just clicked, if you'll excuse the pun, Elaine. SHE GIGGLES
0:21:42 > 0:21:45The best time ever, wasn't it, Janet?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47SHE CHUCKLES
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Well, I think we should have a little drink to celebrate.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Would you like a drink, Janet?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Are you going to email it to her?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Can you do that now?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35In my day, you know, you met a girl at a dance,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37but now you just carry them around in a bag.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42I think she's lovely, Roddy. SHOUTING: You're very nice, Janet.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, thank you!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47There you go Janet. There's a little drink for you.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Janet! Janet! I've lost her.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Lost who? Janet!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Ladies and gentlemen, and everyone who's not sure.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09Please welcome, for the last time before the baby comes, Drew Whyte.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:22 > 0:23:25MUSIC STOPS
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Please keep me.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Please keep you?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31When the baby comes. Please don't get rid of me.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Who told you we were going to do that?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Got you, sucker!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Oh, come here, Drew. You're not anywhere.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43To see my little boy dancing. Dancing like a king!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46A king! Dad, get a grip.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Right, Mary. Let's go.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50You too, Dylan.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53What? MARY: I've packed all your stuff.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I'm not going anywhere.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Oh, yes you are.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59You see, whenever there's talk of a new baby coming to a house,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02the eldest has to leave the house for ever
0:24:02 > 0:24:05and stay with the oldest members of the family
0:24:05 > 0:24:07so we can pass on all the knowledge to you.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10(Yes!) No, no, isn't it the youngest that goes?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh, no, it's definitely you.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Sure, you'll have great fun with us.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20Ah, you'll have a great time watching Countdown every day and
0:24:20 > 0:24:23feeding us our tablets and best of all,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26scrubbing us down in the bath.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30And remember to go in between your granddad's toes.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33It's like the inside of a quiche down there.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Yeah, and your gran loves having her hair washed.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41And you can get your fingernails right down onto the scalp,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44then brush all the flakes away with a comb.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45While I sing.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Yeah, she loves singing. Come on!
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Mum! Dad!
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Bye, son. Hope to see you again some time.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Bye-bye, Dylan. No! No!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00MARY: La la la la!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I'll get Dylan later.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Tom, I can't take 9 months of this.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Oh, I know. You wouldn't do my cracked nipples, would you, Elaine?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Oh!
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I'm sorry for spilling that wine on you earlier.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26It's OK, Roddy. Night-night.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Night-night.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Turn the light out, Roddy.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31No, you turn it out.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33No, you turn it out.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34No, you turn it out.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35After three.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41BOTH: One, two, three.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Oh, Janet.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Roddy! SHRIEKING LAUGH
0:25:49 > 0:25:52# I think I'll rest a little more
0:25:52 > 0:25:56# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# Something easy I'll find hard
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round
0:26:07 > 0:26:12# And you can't escape from these ups and downs
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world
0:26:15 > 0:26:19# But I wouldn't change a thing. #
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Breathe...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30breathe...
0:26:30 > 0:26:31breathe!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Push, Tom!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Push!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36TOM PANTS
0:26:36 > 0:26:38MARY: This takes me back, Pat.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Oh, yeah. He gives birth just like his dad.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd