0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Just put it back where you got it from, OK?- No.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Thank you for coming in today. I've read your application.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10- It was...funny.- Oh!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14So, how did you two meet?
0:00:14 > 0:00:15He fucked me up the arse.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22So, is your business...surviving?
0:00:22 > 0:00:23The lease is up in a couple of days,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25and I don't think I can really afford to...
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Oh! Sneaking a preview, are we?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29It's a sexhibition.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Inspired by and moulded on your father.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I will definitely be there.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35I'm leaving Martin. I'm going to give you the money for the cafe,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- and I'm going to go to fucking Finland. I'll see you at the sexhibition.- Yeah.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44GRUNTING
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Oh, yeah!- Yeah!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Oh!- Oh, look at me.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I want to see those tiny things again.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Oh!- Ugh!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Stay sexy. Stay sexy.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Those tits.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- Oh! OK. Yeah!- They are so fucking tiny.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05May I..?
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Oh, yeah.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Erm.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Oh, God.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you that they lose their erection.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- Oh, Jesus.- And everything is fucked.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Oh!
0:01:46 > 0:01:47What?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Oh, no, I don't think Hillary is going to want to hear this.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Oh, go on.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- No.- Oh, go on.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59OK, an 11-year-old boy was put in juvenile prison
0:01:59 > 0:02:02for repeatedly sticking rubber ended pencils
0:02:02 > 0:02:04up his school hamster's arsehole.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06- What?- Yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Why would they do that?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Apparently he liked it when their eyes popped out.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12No, why would they send him away?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13He needs help.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15She was a surprising person.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19They shouldn't have just looked him up.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20He pencil-fucked a hamster.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Yeah, but he's obviously not happy, happy people wouldn't do things like that.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25- Fair point.- And anyway,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29that's the very reason why they put rubbers on the end of pencils.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30To fuck hamsters?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33No, because people make mistakes.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Hey.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Hey.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Hey.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Look, about last night.- Uh-oh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I don't usually connect with women.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I know, that's what I like about you.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Yeah, OK, erm.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I, erm...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03HE EXHALES LOUDLY
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Wow.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09This must be what insecure feels like.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Actually, can we speak about this later? I want to find the right words for you.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I'll see you at the sexhibition?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Yeah, I'll see you there.- I'm going to go to yoga.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21OK.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Marvellous.- I'm so relieved you're here.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Hi.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And, hello, good looking.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Hello.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Thank you.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Well clung to.- Thank you.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Does it get very boring,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54everyone telling you how gorgeous you are all the time?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- A little.- Should we, erm...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Oh, yes, I won't forget this, I promise.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, sure. Is Claire here yet?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04No, not yet, you're an angel for being here.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Would you just hold on to that?
0:04:07 > 0:04:12There are bottles for topping up on the little bar just inside.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I'm the luckiest thing to have you.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15And, erm...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18..there.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22You're a natural.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:36No, really, though, this sexhibition isn't about me trying to get you all aroused,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38it's about the beauty of sex.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And how it brings us all together.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45How it excites and connects, how it opens people's minds,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47after all, sex got us all here.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Sex brings life.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57I've been building this sexhibition since I was 11 and a quarter,
0:04:57 > 0:05:02which is when I first climaxed by accident on a bidet.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04The bidet is, of course,
0:05:04 > 0:05:09exhibited here, as are all of the pieces from my first ever sexhibition.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11All apart from one.
0:05:11 > 0:05:17A few weeks ago one of my most delicate pieces was stolen from my studio.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21But in a sense it was a blessing.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27In fact, her brutal snatching made me think of the women of the world
0:05:27 > 0:05:32they've been robbed of their freedom, of their happiness, and,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34in the saddest of cases, of their bodies.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39So in many ways I have to thank the thief for creating my most
0:05:39 > 0:05:41profound piece of work to date...
0:05:42 > 0:05:43..A Woman Robbed.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47CLAPPING
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Now, I would ask you all to leave your genitals at the door
0:05:50 > 0:05:53and bring your minds to these pieces.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58I don't believe people always think about sex when they see a naked body,
0:05:58 > 0:06:03I believe they think about their own minds, their own bodies,
0:06:03 > 0:06:04and their own power.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07And that's what this show is really about...
0:06:09 > 0:06:10..it's about power.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Thank you.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16CLAPPING
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Beautiful.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Claire, it's me, just wondering where you are,
0:06:29 > 0:06:35because I am very much here and waiting for you.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36OK, bye.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Dammit, Claire. Have you seen a sort of stressed out version of me
0:06:40 > 0:06:42anywhere?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Is it weird that my mouth's watering?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52It's really fantastic work, honestly, it's amazing.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Thank you so much.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Yes, it's extraordinary.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Really, really moving.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Present. I'd love one of these on my floor...
0:07:02 > 0:07:03..like a rug with perks.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I'm sure you would, but it's very securely nailed to the wall this evening.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Have you found your father yet?- Oh, yes, I think he's by the coats.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, no, no, have you found your father yet?
0:07:18 > 0:07:19It's just so very obvious to me.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Yeah.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Oh, Connor.- Whoops.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Look, about this morning...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45..listen, what I was trying to say is...
0:07:45 > 0:07:50- Here we go.- I didn't realise this until we were having sex earlier and
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- I lost my...- Erection.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53- Erection.- One more time.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Erection.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00But it made me realise...I'm in love.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Oh.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06OK, I mean, I don't really know what to...
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I don't want to have sex with anyone else,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11and that's never happened to me before.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I'm in love.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23And I need to tell her.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Her?- Yeah, we've been together for a couple of months.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34And physically she just never satisfied me, she has these really massive,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37bouncy tits that really don't do anything for me.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And you just kept turning up like this sexy...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42..plank.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44And it confused me.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I just don't think I should be fucking around behind her back any more.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I just thought I should say that I am
0:08:52 > 0:08:55sorry if I have
0:08:55 > 0:08:56led you on.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Oh, no.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04God, no, my ex is due back any day now anyway, so,
0:09:04 > 0:09:05it's erm...
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I'm happy for you.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I...I knew you wouldn't give a shit.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What can I say?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I'm sorry, I don't give a shit.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Cool.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Never wear padding, OK?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Claire, where are you?
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I can't survive much longer in this sea of penises.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I don't know anyone. And, so...
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Harry?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Harry?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Hi.- Hi.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59What did she do to you?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03We just, you know, covered me in plaster and left me in the garden for a couple of hours.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Oh, God, hi.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Oh, it's so good to see you.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Oh.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Hi.- Hi.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Hi.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Hi.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I'm just going to go and browse around.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It was really nice to meet you.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24You, too.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That's...Elaine.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- We're...- Did you see that really good-looking guy that came in with me?
0:10:35 > 0:10:39No, but I saw a really good-looking guy on his motorbike outside, why?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Oh, yeah, that's, he, erm, well, he and I...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh! Great.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Yeah, he just dumped me, so...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Oh!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I'm sorry.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52This is very...you.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Yeah, yeah, she said you were cool with us doing...
0:10:57 > 0:10:58..that.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I don't...I don't know why she...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11..where's my penis?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, it's on the wall over there, second from the left.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Oh.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I should probably go and find Elaine, she doesn't like being left on her own.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You've still got some stuff at the flat.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I've been rolling around in my lingerie, all over it, waiting for you to come and collect it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Yeah...- Just your Tupperware, and your TV, and your dinosaur plate.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, I got a new dinosaur plate, but, erm...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Yeah, but,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39thank you, but, you can keep those.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Hey,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44do you still wank about me sometimes?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48No.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Elaine.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Claire. My God, it's been hell, where have you been?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I, erm...
0:12:17 > 0:12:18All parked up.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Hello, you.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24We almost didn't make it, but, erm...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27We didn't want to let the old boy down.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- But I thought...- We're just going to do a quick whizz around, to show our faces.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33OK, but...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35We're just going to do a quick whizz around.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Sorry, could you just, could you do something with those? Thank you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS
0:13:26 > 0:13:29SHE MOUTHS
0:13:30 > 0:13:32GLASS SHATTERS
0:13:32 > 0:13:34GASPS
0:13:35 > 0:13:38SHE MOUTHS
0:13:38 > 0:13:39(Don't)
0:13:41 > 0:13:43DON'T!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45CRASH
0:13:45 > 0:13:46GASPS
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY - The joys of butter-fingered staff.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Stop making a spectacle of yourself and clean that up.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56You clean that up.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Apologise.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04I'm sorry.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Turns out I'm not such a natural after all.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Oh, fuck off.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I'm just going to say this once...
0:14:18 > 0:14:23..I deserve to be happy, I am allowed to move on,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27I have a good life and I'm happy, all right?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31All right? If you don't mind...
0:14:32 > 0:14:33..I'm going to go and get...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36..my cardy from the car.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39It's a little chilly.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I'm sorry you had to hear that...
0:14:52 > 0:14:53..but you did have to hear it.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56No, no, she'll do it.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- What the fuck was that? - What is he doing here?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16You're not going to Finland.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Oh, God.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22What are you doing here?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23I'm helping.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- He is...- He didn't try to kiss you.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- He did.- He says it was more like the other way around.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Well, that's just not true.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42No, fuck you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Claire.- Please don't...- No, Claire, he came out into the garden...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- I don't want to hear it.- Claire, you have to believe me.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48How can I believe you?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Because I'm your sister.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52After what you did to Boo?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09He slept with someone else, he said,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12he told me he fucked someone else.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17I'm sorry,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20but you just have to see it from my point of view.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Come on.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43I think I love him.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I'm going to hurt myself, I'm going to get hit by a bike,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04and then hurt my finger and then he's going to have to come and see
0:17:04 > 0:17:07hospital and be really sorry for what he did.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28HE SOBS
0:17:50 > 0:17:51I don't know where you came from.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55What, you don't think we are the same?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57You have the same lines on your forehead as me.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Thank you for fixating on them.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- And you're stubborn.- Snap.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- And sad.- Not born sad.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Some people are.- You weren't.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10No, I guess not.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Jesus, why do daughters get to say that they're fucked up by their fathers
0:18:21 > 0:18:23when it's so often the other way round?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Why do you do that to yourself?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Looks cool.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I think your mother would have admired your little performance up there.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Do you ever think about her?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Yeah.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Do you think about your friend?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- All the time.- Well...
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I'm sorry.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19I...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29..think you should go.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56'Hi, this is Boo. I can't come to the phone right now,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59'but please leave me a messiagio and I'll get back to you.'
0:20:04 > 0:20:07'Hi, this is Boo. I can't come to the phone right now,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10'but please leave me a messiagio and I'll get back to you.'
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Are you OK?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Big night, then?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Mmm.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18What?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I thought in the application for your loan it said you ran a cafe for
0:21:24 > 0:21:25guinea pigs.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30That's why I thought it was funny. I...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32never thought guinea pigs needed...
0:21:32 > 0:21:33It's guinea pig themed.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- OK.- Yeah.- That makes sense.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Can I get you a cup of tea?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I've run out.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Coffee?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Run out.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Well, I should probably be heading back to the office.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Cafes are a very...
0:22:08 > 0:22:09difficult business.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12You've certainly made this one very...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16..unique.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I also fucked it into liquidation.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24OK.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27And I fucked up my family.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Did you?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32And I fucked my friend by fucking her boyfriend.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Right.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41And sometimes I wish I didn't even know that fucking existed.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46And I know that my body, as it is now, really is the only thing I have left,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and when that gets old and unfuckable I may as well just kill it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55And somehow there isn't anything worse...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58..than someone who doesn't want to fuck me.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I fuck everything...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08..except for when I was in your office, I really wasn't trying to have sex.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You know, everyone feels like this a little bit,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18and they're just not talking about it,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20or I'm completely fucking alone...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25..which isn't fucking funny.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Right, well...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40..I should probably, erm...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44..I should probably, erm...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49..I should probably...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24People make mistakes.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34It's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Is that a joke?
0:24:39 > 0:24:40I don't know.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I think we should start your interview again.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Here?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Yeah.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Go on.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56OK.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Well, thank you for coming in.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02No problem.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I've read through your application form.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12It says you run a cafe for guinea pigs.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14SHE LAUGHS
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Told you it was funny.