:00:25. > :00:30.This programme contains some strong Welcome to Frank Skinner's
:00:30. > :00:35.Opinionated, tonight we're back in Maidstone.
:00:35. > :00:43.Silvio Berlusconi has brought out on album of love songs this week.
:00:43. > :00:53.Yeah, amazing. I can't imagine a British politician with the voice
:00:53. > :00:55.
:00:55. > :01:03.for it. There are ruerbls that Ed Miliband is bringing out an album
:01:03. > :01:08.called catarrh hero. Saif Gaddafi bros was captured this week. In
:01:08. > :01:16.recent months Saif Gaddafi has been seen all over the place with a
:01:16. > :01:23.confident V sign. And there has been a rumour going around, since
:01:23. > :01:29.he has been captured they have cut his fingers off. He insists on
:01:29. > :01:39.describing his injury as an accident. Here's a clip of him when
:01:39. > :01:39.
:01:39. > :01:49.he was free and defiant. We have plan A and plan B and plan C. Plan
:01:49. > :01:57.A is to live and die in Libya. Plan B is to live and kie in - in Libya.
:01:57. > :02:07.And plan C is to live in - and die in Libya. I wish the interviewer
:02:07. > :02:13.jumped in and said "can I guess on the second one". Saif is making
:02:13. > :02:19.preparations for his trial in Libya, smoking a cigarette and putting on
:02:19. > :02:28.a blindfold. The process is delayed. He keeps dropping the cigarette.
:02:28. > :02:34.The big story in Kent this week is a 73-year-old woman from herne bay
:02:34. > :02:42.that every night a ghost is groping her. Did you read that? She reckons
:02:42. > :02:50.that the other ghosts disaprauf. She can hear them shouting things
:02:50. > :03:00.like get a tomb! Please welcome my guests Victoria
:03:00. > :03:06.
:03:06. > :03:12.Coren and Greg Da - Greg Davis. So welcome to the show. I don't
:03:12. > :03:18.know if you saw the story Benetton have put up a series of posters,
:03:18. > :03:27.and it's a great statesmen of the world basically snogging each other.
:03:27. > :03:37.We have one here of Obama supposedly kissing Hu Jintao. The
:03:37. > :03:37.
:03:38. > :03:41.Chinese leader. Supposedly? What it is, it is a clever piece of photo
:03:41. > :03:49.shopping. They were definitely getting off with each other. What
:03:49. > :03:53.do you make of these? They have got into a lot of trouble about them.
:03:53. > :03:57.think it's mill layerous trying to make out they are shocked having
:03:58. > :04:06.that image, that image was not going to cause problems with the
:04:06. > :04:15.Catholic Church. The big one was the Pope was kissing an Imam from
:04:15. > :04:23.Egypt. The one of Obama is fine, the one of the Imam and the Pope,
:04:23. > :04:29.they are taken into registrations with a complication with
:04:29. > :04:35.homosexuality. Benetton is put me in a position of thinking, have
:04:35. > :04:41.some respect for people's homophobia. I think the Pope has
:04:41. > :04:46.gone up a league, he used to kiss tarmac! How do you feel about
:04:46. > :04:52.general kissing in public? I mean, whoever it is. Sometimes you are in
:04:52. > :05:02.a park and there's a couple really going at it. Are you okay with
:05:02. > :05:07.that? No. I think it's absolutely repulsive. I find other people
:05:07. > :05:14.snogging absolutely repulsive. It's like watching a mother bird feed
:05:14. > :05:19.her young. You feed that repulsive! I was at a bus stop and there was a
:05:19. > :05:24.couple next to me and they started snogging and they started leaning
:05:24. > :05:33.on me. And I realised after a bit if I move they would actually fall
:05:33. > :05:40.over. And there were so close by this stage I could here that slurp.
:05:40. > :05:49.It made me feel awful. Do you think that counts as having a streesome.
:05:49. > :05:54.I... I copped a quick feel! I don't think he noticed. And also, I'm
:05:54. > :06:00.going to be honest about this. I was on the South Bank of the Thames
:06:00. > :06:10.and I saw a couple snogging. Really snogging big-time. And I would say
:06:10. > :06:12.
:06:12. > :06:18.they were probably late 50's. That should not, you know, I'm no youth
:06:18. > :06:24.myself. For me had it been teenagers, but you kind of think no.
:06:24. > :06:32.Once you have got one grey hair, you have got to stop. The noises
:06:32. > :06:39.are worse when you are older. Things are looser. Sounds like
:06:39. > :06:46.someone repeatedly lobbing wet flesh .... Against a backdrop of
:06:46. > :06:52.bron kites. This is an invention they com came up in Italy. Here's a
:06:52. > :07:00.young couple meeting each other. They are on the verge of kissing.
:07:00. > :07:05.That bag they are kissing is not as straightforward as it looks. That's
:07:05. > :07:11.commercially available. It's called a Veasyble. So you can snog in
:07:11. > :07:18.public without people being offended. Nobody would notice.
:07:18. > :07:23.would think you were a dandy lion. I think it's weird to shake hands.
:07:23. > :07:31.You see two men meeting each other, they are holding hands for a moment
:07:31. > :07:41.and moving it up and down and putting it away. Good point! Here
:07:41. > :07:51.is a kiss that goes very wrong. See what you think. Hillary Clinton and
:07:51. > :07:55.
:07:55. > :08:02.bill Clinton. Watch. Ouch! That was deliberate was it not. That's
:08:02. > :08:12.because he seemed to attempt to lift her right breast up before the
:08:12. > :08:13.
:08:13. > :08:23.clip. - kiss. The hands... I think he was wiping something off the
:08:23. > :08:23.
:08:23. > :08:32.dress! Anyone else with views of public kissing? Anyone here who
:08:32. > :08:38.does it, and proud 20 do it. This lady in the front? I like to but my
:08:38. > :08:43.husband doesn't. I end up getting a cheek most of the time. You thought
:08:43. > :08:48.you would say I end up having an affair. You would not have any
:08:48. > :08:56.problem. I think it's nice for people to show affection. I always
:08:56. > :09:02.imagine when I meet a new couple, I always imagine them doing it.
:09:02. > :09:09.Do you not? No. I was a bit quiet at the beginning of the show. I've
:09:09. > :09:14.been through all of you lot. Some of you are disgusting. Those two!
:09:14. > :09:24.What about this on the holding hands front. It's actually, it's
:09:24. > :09:29.
:09:30. > :09:36.called a smitten. Try that. You can hold hands in cold weather.
:09:36. > :09:42.mean... It's actually quite nice. There's plenty of room in there. If
:09:42. > :09:50.you want to swing a baby between you, you can get one in. We need
:09:50. > :09:56.longer than half an hour. Do you know in the Arab world holding
:09:56. > :10:01.hands between men is absolutely the norm in public. We have got a
:10:01. > :10:06.picture much George Bush the then President of the United States
:10:06. > :10:15.meeting Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, and George Bush completely joined
:10:15. > :10:25.in. And then it got even more Benetton after that. And that went
:10:25. > :10:29.
:10:29. > :10:35.a bit wrong... Can I show you one really cute animal? This is a cute,
:10:35. > :10:42.cute animal. As long as it's getting off with something.
:10:42. > :10:52.Otters... I got three aahs from saying the world. Otters hold hands.
:10:52. > :11:03.
:11:03. > :11:11.And I make this even cuter by telling the main reason they hold
:11:11. > :11:21.hands, it's they don't drift apart when they're sleeping. What
:11:21. > :11:24.
:11:24. > :11:32.unfortunately ruins that is the one on the left was dead. We have got
:11:32. > :11:39.Anna Nathan in the audience. You run Kulgdz workshops. Yes. What's
:11:39. > :11:44.it all about? It's an opportunity for people to get together who pant
:11:44. > :11:49.o want to have physical contact with others. Who want to be kulgdzy.
:11:49. > :11:57.A lot of people want to, but our British culture doesn't allow for
:11:57. > :12:04.it. You say a chemical reaction happens when you hug someone.
:12:04. > :12:10.produce a chemical called oxytocin, it floods your system. It's the
:12:10. > :12:20.same chemical you get when you fall in love and get a new baby. You -
:12:20. > :12:22.
:12:22. > :12:32.when you kulgdz a stranger it it is the same as having a baby! You seem
:12:32. > :12:32.
:12:32. > :12:38.a little stressed Victoria. I've got a rubber smitten if you need
:12:38. > :12:43.one! Isn't there a story you said one of your pupils went to the
:12:43. > :12:48.optician and what happened? It was the day after a kulgdz workshop.
:12:48. > :12:54.She was feeling cuddly. And at the end of the appointment she said,
:12:54. > :13:01.would you like a hug? And the optician said, Oh nobody has ever
:13:01. > :13:11.asked me that before. And they had a hug. And she said that was lovely
:13:11. > :13:13.
:13:13. > :13:23.thank you so much. Did the option go, what is better, this or this!
:13:23. > :13:24.
:13:24. > :13:34.Can't we have a Group 1 one where everyone does that everyone could
:13:34. > :13:43.
:13:43. > :13:53.hug now. Everybody who wants to hug Come on, let's see! You have to hug,
:13:53. > :13:58.
:13:58. > :14:06.Absolutely beautiful. I thought it was a lovely moment. It was really
:14:06. > :14:14.nice. Like the 60's. If only we had some powerful drugs. I would like
:14:14. > :14:21.you... It's national eating out week. This is straupbts. We have
:14:21. > :14:28.moved on from public displays of affection. There's a thing in
:14:28. > :14:32.America now, I don't know if you're aware in American school meals
:14:32. > :14:37.there's asked to be a certain amount of vegetables portions, you
:14:37. > :14:44.have to have two vegetables. And they are trying to get pizza
:14:44. > :14:51.classified as a vegetable. And the argument is it's because it has
:14:51. > :14:58.tomato paste on it. That's why it qualifies. And the tragic is a
:14:58. > :15:05.tomato isn't even a vegetable. is. It's a fruit. It's a vegetable.
:15:05. > :15:13.It is a fruit. I want to watch you eat a bowl with custard and I
:15:13. > :15:20.believe it's a fruit. I want to watch that as well. Get me a bowl
:15:20. > :15:27.of tomatos and custard. If he eats it all I will say it's a fruit.
:15:28. > :15:33.What about this? An idea for big eaters to keep fit. There's a song
:15:33. > :15:43.called Eat y'Self Fitter. This qualifies. As you're eating your
:15:43. > :15:46.
:15:46. > :15:52.meal you're working out with this dumb bell cutlery. They are weighty.
:15:52. > :16:02.Tucking it in. They are commercialy available. Amazing. And the good
:16:02. > :16:02.
:16:02. > :16:12.thing is the pudding spoon is a bit heavier. And they're great, they
:16:12. > :16:18.
:16:18. > :16:24.look a bit like sports trophies. This is is a meal in Japan. And the
:16:24. > :16:32.table display is let's say unorthodox. This is what they
:16:32. > :16:39.called the sushi virgins. And this person is covered with sushi, and
:16:39. > :16:45.people off her. I thought I would not mind going, eating the meal and
:16:45. > :16:52.saying I have no money but I will do the washing up. They have a chef
:16:52. > :16:58.in the audience. Malloch-Brown. And you're, I don't want to sing your
:16:58. > :17:06.praises but you're a top chef. Allegedly. Got your own place and
:17:06. > :17:14.that. You hear lots of stuff with chefs being like nutters and
:17:14. > :17:19.aggressive, and shouting at customers. Is that done for show.
:17:19. > :17:27.Situations amazing - araising where tempers can be afraid. It's
:17:27. > :17:34.happened to me once or two in the past. I'm calm and adult now.
:17:34. > :17:40.have you done. In the last ten years I've been building my own
:17:40. > :17:46.restaurants and they have all got open kitchens. Some of the staff in
:17:47. > :17:52.the past. I started off as a waiter. We had customers in, who were
:17:52. > :18:02.awkward. An older guy, showing off a younger girl he was with, saying
:18:02. > :18:04.
:18:04. > :18:14.excuse me young man, come here, I want some lapsang -souchong...
:18:14. > :18:15.
:18:15. > :18:24.tea! And I took it over to him and did the full service. It's I was
:18:24. > :18:30.quite po light. He tried to show off and say it isn't like that. And
:18:30. > :18:35.it said it on the label. He said this isn't good enough can you take
:18:35. > :18:45.it away and get something else. I took the tea pot and the tea into
:18:45. > :18:48.
:18:48. > :18:57.the toilets... And I pissed in the tea pot. And then... I rubbed my
:18:57. > :19:04.dick around... Edge of the cup. It's a technical term. Northern
:19:04. > :19:11.term. And I had great pleasure watching this pain in the arse
:19:11. > :19:19.customer drink my piss. Did he like it better? He agreed it was much
:19:19. > :19:27.better. Has anybody here ever done a runner? Run off without paying?
:19:27. > :19:37.The man in the tie k did a runner? I nearly done a runner, it was in
:19:37. > :19:37.
:19:37. > :19:42.Spain. We had eaten outside and went inside to watch the dancing.
:19:42. > :19:47.Another couple came in, and one of the daners did the thing on the
:19:47. > :19:54.stage, and the speaker on the wall fell down, and hit the man next to
:19:54. > :20:01.me on the head. He was covered in blood. And the owner came out, and
:20:01. > :20:11.he was mopping the blood off his head. And I said to me wife "we've
:20:11. > :20:11.
:20:11. > :20:18.got a chance here, we have a - can do a runner ...". No we paid.
:20:19. > :20:24.Nearly. It's the thought that kaupbts. Swinging it around a bit.
:20:24. > :20:34.The Gallaghers, Noel and Liam they row now, the biggest they have ever
:20:34. > :20:35.
:20:35. > :20:42.had, got to the point where it's got to actually going to court. Are
:20:42. > :20:50.you big arguers? I'm moving on to the subject of arguing. I like an
:20:50. > :20:59.argument. I'm not surprised to hear that. It's like the opposite 6 hugs,
:20:59. > :21:07.and kisses. I like an argument with a stranger. I like it with a
:21:07. > :21:13.stranger. A road rage. Or a battle with someone in the pub. Road rage
:21:13. > :21:22.you like? Not violence. If someone shouts at me, and I like getting
:21:22. > :21:28.out of the car and going up and saying go on then. I got out of the
:21:28. > :21:38.car once. You got out of the car... I learned my lesson. It was years
:21:38. > :21:41.
:21:41. > :21:51.ago. I was with my dad. Someone was beeping us. How tall are you?
:21:51. > :21:51.
:21:51. > :22:01.six foot eight. We both got out. How did you both get in. It was
:22:01. > :22:02.
:22:02. > :22:08.horrible though. It was an elderly couple, and they saw us and argh. I
:22:09. > :22:17.haven't done it again. This is Michael Winner. This is a nice
:22:17. > :22:26.argument between dining out and arguing. He is dining out, and
:22:26. > :22:35.describing a big argument he had with Burt Lancaster. I was with
:22:35. > :22:44.Burt in Mexico. He had to shoot his house. And the horse is lying there,
:22:44. > :22:52.put to sleep. And Burt is smoot shooting it with a kolt 45. On the
:22:52. > :23:00.third camera angle he goes to the horse and gets a Winchester rifle.
:23:00. > :23:09.I said excuse me Sir, we were best friends, I said excuse me Sir, you
:23:09. > :23:19.were using the kolt 45. He said bleep, I was bleep, bleep, I was
:23:19. > :23:19.
:23:20. > :23:29.using a Winchester 73. He kpwrabs - grabs me by the lap yels. He was
:23:29. > :23:35.screaming at me in the face. He the bleep, bleep, fat... What was I
:23:35. > :23:42.shouting the horse with, I said a Winchesterer 73. You're right.
:23:42. > :23:50.Wonderful man. Now, horrible, violent man! How many people here
:23:50. > :23:59.are big arguers. A man down the front, with the spectacles on. Is
:23:59. > :24:09.that your wife next to you? Sort of!. Are you a arguer. Yeah I do it
:24:09. > :24:10.
:24:10. > :24:15.for a living. I'm a union rep. argue with management. I've been
:24:15. > :24:21.arguing today. And I've been arguing the day before. I have the
:24:21. > :24:26.weekends off. Then I generally go to the pub and have an argument.
:24:26. > :24:33.Yur general tone of speaking is like an argument!. Do you take your
:24:33. > :24:41.work home with you, so to speak? Sometimes yeah. Me and Cathy don't
:24:41. > :24:51.really argue. She finds that hilarious. Now I tell you something
:24:51. > :25:01.
:25:01. > :25:09.has come up on the autocue, it says It hasn't been exactly well
:25:09. > :25:15.prepared. I'm supposed to put it in like this. Do you want me to help
:25:15. > :25:25.it. We have a chef I can't ask him to cut tomatos. Probably rub it
:25:25. > :25:26.
:25:26. > :25:34.around his arse hole. Which normally I would be fine with. Wow!
:25:35. > :25:44.We'll see what is a fruit. I'll put these back down there. Four all
:25:44. > :25:54.right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not
:25:54. > :26:02.
:26:02. > :26:09.mustard. Custard and tomato. Do you want to try it? Hmm! I imagine it's
:26:09. > :26:19.all right. It's definitely a fruit. It's a fruit. It's actually pretty
:26:19. > :26:21.
:26:21. > :26:31.good. Do you want to try a bit. Let me give you a different spoon.
:26:31. > :26:44.
:26:44. > :26:50.is it heavy? It's a dumbbell spoon. It is heavy! It's a dumbbell spoon!
:26:50. > :27:00.This is one of the least erotic scenes of all times. This isn't
:27:00. > :27:06.
:27:06. > :27:16.when Harry met Sally is it! That's huge! Here comes the dumbbell.
:27:16. > :27:26.
:27:26. > :27:33.That's a good girl. Chew. This is quite sexy! Shall I work out.
:27:33. > :27:39.it much better than you thought. Yeah. It's the new thing... Johnny
:27:39. > :27:46.I recommend you in the new restaurant. Tomatoes and custard.
:27:46. > :27:53.All I can think about is can I get away with eating this custard.
:27:53. > :28:01.definitely a fruit. That's a heavy spoon! It's a dumb bell spoon. What
:28:01. > :28:09.did people think it would be like. Do you think I should rub the
:28:09. > :28:16.custard in with my foot. If I had a pound for every time a man asked me