:01:19. > :01:29.Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Opinionated tonight from
:01:29. > :01:37.
:01:37. > :01:40.Norwich. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:01:40. > :01:43.Oh, it has been a a strange old week, Michael Barrymore was found
:01:43. > :01:45.face down on the road next to his car and was charged with being
:01:45. > :01:47.drunk and disorderly and possessing Class A drugs. Mr Barrymore
:01:47. > :01:56.explained he had been brought in at the last minute because George
:01:56. > :02:02.Michael was ill. Pisesed and ars holes and think
:02:02. > :02:12.this is not the worse scandal I have been involved in.
:02:12. > :02:13.
:02:13. > :02:22.Gary Barlow spoke to the Oxford Union About multi-culturalism.
:02:22. > :02:24.LAUGHTER That's my favourite.
:02:24. > :02:25.LAUGHTER The Mail on Sunday highlighted a
:02:25. > :02:27.The Mail on Sunday highlighted a case of an unemployed man from
:02:27. > :02:29.Dundee who has 15 children by 13 different women. Here he is.
:02:29. > :02:37.LAUGHTER He is the only man in Britain who
:02:37. > :02:40.combs his ponytail forward! LAUGHTER
:02:40. > :02:44.You heard of fringe benefits, that's what I would call a benefits
:02:44. > :02:54.fringe! His name is Jamie Cumming.
:02:54. > :02:55.
:02:55. > :02:59.Yes. It is also his neighbour's response to, "What's that noise
:02:59. > :03:06.next door?" Nick Clegg has had a rowing machine fitted in his office.
:03:06. > :03:10.It seems to confirm the reports that he is without a paddle!
:03:10. > :03:15.This is a weird one, leaked reports are that Nick Clegg wants to re-
:03:15. > :03:22.brand the Lib Dems in the style of ox fom. Did you -- Oxfam? Did you
:03:22. > :03:28.you read this, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, if
:03:28. > :03:38.you exchange the manifestoes for a tiny slip of power, you end up in
:03:38. > :03:42.
:03:42. > :03:43.your office rowing against the tide of your own bitter tears.
:03:43. > :03:46.LAUGHTER There are rumours that John Bercow,
:03:46. > :03:48.the Speaker of the House of Commons House of Commons might be a
:03:48. > :03:52.contestant on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special. Here he
:03:52. > :03:55.is discussing the idea with Claudia winkleman.
:03:55. > :04:03.Coastguards in the Bristol Channel warn that a floating Vauxhall Corsa
:04:03. > :04:04.has become a danger to shipping. LAUGHTER
:04:04. > :04:06.Michael Barrymore is helping police with their inquiries.
:04:06. > :04:16.LAUGHTER Let's get started. Please welcome
:04:16. > :04:25.Katy Brand and Chris Addison. APPLAUSE
:04:25. > :04:29.Hello. Lovely Norwich welcome.
:04:29. > :04:35.Yeah. They're keen, they are like the
:04:35. > :04:39.mustard they're so famous for! OK, let's have our first topic. I
:04:39. > :04:46.have got some statistics. What about this then? One in four
:04:46. > :04:50.British people are dating or have dated someone they met online. One
:04:50. > :04:56.in four have or are. No, I think that sounds about right.
:04:56. > :05:05.One in four people. How many people have or are dating someone they met
:05:05. > :05:15.online? That man. Yes, I have, yes.
:05:15. > :05:16.
:05:16. > :05:26.What would you like to know? LAUGHTER
:05:26. > :05:29.
:05:29. > :05:39.Well, which part of the Far East were they from?
:05:39. > :05:47.
:05:47. > :05:48.LAUGHTER She lives in Cromer.
:05:48. > :05:50.APPLAUSE There is a couple who suggested
:05:50. > :05:53.that for the good of relationships that everybody should share all
:05:53. > :05:55.their passwords with their partner, is that, do you think that's a good
:05:55. > :05:58.idea generally? That lady with the spectacles and
:05:58. > :05:59.the red hair. He comes home from work or wherever he has been...
:05:59. > :06:00.LAUGHTER .
:06:00. > :06:00.. Quite
:06:00. > :06:00.. Quite often
:06:00. > :06:04.. Quite often when
:06:05. > :06:09.. Quite often when he comes home, I will pick up his phone and scroll
:06:09. > :06:13.through his messages and it will be a conversation starter.
:06:13. > :06:20.You pick up his phone and go through his messages. Is that
:06:20. > :06:25.acceptable? Well, it happens. APPLAUSE
:06:25. > :06:27.That wasn't my question, was it? am good at avoiding questions.
:06:27. > :06:30.I bet you are! LAUGHTER
:06:30. > :06:39.Lots of practise. It does prove useful because he is
:06:39. > :06:45.not good at remembering dates and times. Don't forget you have got to
:06:45. > :06:55.meet Delores in a forest! How many people have a Twitter account?
:06:55. > :06:56.
:06:56. > :07:05.A, had ah, you met on Twitter? met on the Race For Life.
:07:05. > :07:10.We have got our T-shirts here. What does your T-shirt say? We are
:07:10. > :07:13.called Norwich Race Chicks. I thought it was a BNP splinter
:07:13. > :07:19.group! Has any of you ever tweeted
:07:19. > :07:22.celebrities? Russell Grant. LAUGHTER
:07:22. > :07:27.Yes, he will reply to anybody! Russell Grant sits in all day
:07:27. > :07:37.replying. No, he replied two days before she
:07:37. > :07:43.
:07:43. > :07:46.sent her initial tweet. LAUGHTER
:07:46. > :07:48.That is quite moving because I don't go on Twitter because I am
:07:48. > :07:50.not that keen on, how can I put it, people.
:07:50. > :07:52.LAUGHTER I like people. I like close, but
:07:52. > :08:01.not touching. You really fit on the wrong format
:08:01. > :08:04.for a show here. I spent a long time for slagging off Nick Robinson
:08:04. > :08:08.for being dreadful and I did that because he is absolutely dreadful
:08:08. > :08:14.and then... I like him. Do you? I will tell you what I like
:08:14. > :08:17.about him, he has gone bald in the best possible way, 1950s, Phillip
:08:17. > :08:21.Larkin. And he has the glasses to go with
:08:21. > :08:26.it. And you don't like him? doesn't tell you the news. He does
:08:26. > :08:32.that thing and you think, "If you want to write a novel, go and write
:08:32. > :08:36.a novel." I remember him starting a piece, "Oh dear, oh dear, what a
:08:36. > :08:40.week it has been for Gordon Brown." I don't know happened after that
:08:40. > :08:45.because I kicked the TV in. I regularly slagged him off and
:08:45. > :08:52.on...... On Twitter? Yeah and in Twitter and in the Times newspaper
:08:52. > :08:57.and any other opportunity I got and when I hosted Have I Got News For
:08:57. > :09:01.You, they booked him as a guest. What happened? He came in and said,
:09:01. > :09:05."Hopefully, I won't annoy you too much this evening." And I said,
:09:05. > :09:11."Hopefully, you won't.". When you are new to Twitter sometimes you
:09:11. > :09:19.will see something really, really horrible. Katy Brand, you are an
:09:19. > :09:22.ugly person and you should die. I click on their profile and I see 40
:09:22. > :09:26.female celebrities that he has tweeted and said the same thing and
:09:26. > :09:35.you don't feel so bad about it and you get on with enjoying the rest
:09:35. > :09:40.of Twitter. It is like standing in a busy pub. And also the people you
:09:40. > :09:44.get to choose who to talk to. That man. Wait for the microphone. I
:09:44. > :09:49.could see the moustache moving, but I couldn't hear you!
:09:49. > :09:58.Here it comes. Here it comes. To go to a real pub, with real
:09:58. > :10:08.interesting rather than virtual people. You can do that as well.
:10:08. > :10:08.
:10:08. > :10:14.You can do both. You can be in a real pub and be bored and looking
:10:14. > :10:19.on your phone. If you and me were tweeting, I wouldn't be put off by
:10:19. > :10:23.the moustache. I was on MySpace for a while. I don't think anyone is on
:10:23. > :10:28.MySpace. There is me and about 2,000
:10:28. > :10:34.depressed goth teenagers. I am in several chatrooms about self-
:10:34. > :10:38.harming. And have you sold any farms? Farms?
:10:38. > :10:48.Sorry, I misheard you. LAUGHTER
:10:48. > :10:50.
:10:50. > :10:53.No, if I could get... APPLAUSE
:10:53. > :10:55.I think that's the longest I have ever seen it take for an audience
:10:55. > :10:59.to get a joke. It is the comedy version of being
:10:59. > :11:03.behind a tractor. LAUGHTER
:11:03. > :11:08.There is all sorts of problems. My brother, Keith, texts me after a
:11:08. > :11:14.show like this goes and says, "You missed a joke after she said bla-
:11:14. > :11:20.bla, you should have said." And then sends me a joke that I didn't
:11:20. > :11:25.do. We were on this programme and Sarah was on and she said she met a
:11:25. > :11:31.woman on the escalators who had been dumped and said, "Ah, darling,
:11:31. > :11:36.go and have a bowl of trifle." I said, "You bring everything back to
:11:36. > :11:45.puddings." He texted me and said, "Well what you should have said was
:11:45. > :11:47.that because she had just been des deserted." That was a great joke.
:11:47. > :11:51.APPLAUSE Keith, that was your applause.
:11:51. > :11:57.You should have him on. No, he is better on text.
:11:57. > :12:02.So anyway, this week, you may know this, a rocket was launched heading
:12:02. > :12:06.from Mars and what is going to happen is it is going to land on
:12:06. > :12:11.Mars and there is going to be a robot buggy and it is going to
:12:11. > :12:17.drive around Mars and it is called Curiosity and it is going to look
:12:17. > :12:23.around Mars for signs of life. It won't get to Mars until... August.
:12:23. > :12:29.Thank you, who said that? Someone is very interested in this.
:12:30. > :12:37.Are you a space enthusiast? I just read it on the news.
:12:37. > :12:44.So you are not a space enthusiast. When you have not been a space
:12:44. > :12:49.enthusiast? Ever since I realised that they don't land on the moon.
:12:49. > :12:56.My friend believes they landed on the moon.
:12:56. > :13:06.I don't think that makes her some kind of nutter.
:13:06. > :13:14.
:13:14. > :13:16.I know that for a fact due to the footage and proof.
:13:16. > :13:19.LAUGHTER For any of you who are sceptical
:13:19. > :13:22.about this, we have a clip right, Buzz Aldrin, who was the second man
:13:22. > :13:23.on the moon and in this clip he is pursued by a man who is sceptical
:13:23. > :13:26.and who doesn't believe in the moon landing.
:13:26. > :13:28.Well, you're the one getting money for something you didn't do. You're
:13:29. > :13:31.giving a lecture for walking on the moon. That's called being a thief.
:13:31. > :13:34.Do you think you can get to heaven without repenting? Why don't you
:13:34. > :13:39.swear on the Bible that you you walked on the moon? You are the one
:13:39. > :13:42.who said you walked on the moon when you didn't. Calling the kettle
:13:42. > :13:52.black. Will you get away from me.
:13:52. > :13:56.You are a court order and a -- you are a coward and a liar and thiefU
:13:56. > :14:01.thief. Proof that man walked on the moon.
:14:01. > :14:09.I don't have complete evidence because I stayed up to watch the
:14:09. > :14:14.moon landing. I stayed up with my dog and we sat on the sofa to watch
:14:14. > :14:19.the man walk on the moon. My mum and dad went to bed, just me and
:14:19. > :14:23.the dog, we stayed up. They landed on the moon and they sat in the
:14:23. > :14:27.lunar module and in the end I woke up and they they hadn't come out
:14:27. > :14:32.and then I realised there was a flag on the moon that-been there
:14:32. > :14:37.and they had come out and only the Hip et had seen -- whippet had seen
:14:37. > :14:47.it. And it is one of the great regrets of my life.
:14:47. > :14:50.Armstrong said, "One small step for man. "and the whippet went...
:14:50. > :14:56.President Nixon went to meet them when they came back and they were
:14:56. > :15:00.in a little, they had to put him in a metal box because they thought
:15:00. > :15:05.they might bring back terrible moon diseases. This is President Nixon
:15:06. > :15:10.speaking to the three astronauts. I only hope that all of us in
:15:10. > :15:14.Government and all of us in America, that as a result of what you have
:15:14. > :15:16.done, we can do our job a little better. We can reach for the stars
:15:16. > :15:20.just as you have reached so far from the stars.
:15:20. > :15:30.The terrible thing about that box, it is cramped and there are some
:15:30. > :15:52.
:15:52. > :15:55.occasions when it was just LAUGHTER
:15:55. > :15:58.Virgin Galactic will be starting at some point in the near future. I
:15:58. > :16:02.don't know if you are aware of this, but you will be able to go into
:16:02. > :16:06.space, if you pay, you will be able to go on this, we have got a
:16:06. > :16:10.picture. You go on that. It is a six-seater and you go up into space
:16:10. > :16:16.and you are in space for about six minutes or something like that.
:16:16. > :16:26.Actually, I would be more reassured going up in Richard Branson's
:16:26. > :16:28.
:16:28. > :16:29.Virgin Galactic if his houses didn't keep burning down.
:16:29. > :16:32.LAUGHTER When he can maintain a property on
:16:32. > :16:34.earth I will be more willing to go up into a spaceship.
:16:34. > :16:37.Kate Winslet is the fire officer! We asked someone from Virgin
:16:37. > :16:44.Galactic to come along tonight and tell us about it and they said they
:16:44. > :16:51.couldn't get to Norwich! LAUGHTER
:16:51. > :16:53.It is true. APPLAUSE
:16:53. > :16:59.How many people would love to go in the Virgin Galactic thing?
:16:59. > :17:03.Not as many as I thought. What about this lady at the front? Can
:17:03. > :17:06.we get to the front? I think it will be an interesting experience,
:17:07. > :17:10.obviously I can't afford it. Have a guess how much it is?
:17:10. > :17:13.much. LAUGHTER
:17:13. > :17:16.Probably over �1 million at least. No, no, it is �129,000.
:17:16. > :17:23.If it is just that. That would be all right, wouldn't
:17:23. > :17:27.it sf. In five years, Ryanair already doing it for 50 quid. It
:17:27. > :17:33.won't be near space, but you will get a bus the rest of the way.
:17:33. > :17:38.Anyone else who would like to go? What about that chap? I have always
:17:38. > :17:42.been fascinated from a young age. Well, you are a young age.
:17:42. > :17:46.When I was about eight or nine. You have to do three days of
:17:46. > :17:50.training before the flight. Yeah. Are you fine with that? Yes.
:17:50. > :17:56.You would do Mars? Yes, I would go further than that.
:17:56. > :18:01.You would do Mars and you don't get there until August? Yeah, probably.
:18:01. > :18:03.I doubt girlfriend would appreciate Well, you say that.
:18:03. > :18:13.LAUGHTER What do you do for a living?
:18:13. > :18:16.
:18:16. > :18:18.I work in a Christmas shop. LAUGHTER
:18:18. > :18:28.You are not bothered about spending nine months of the year away.
:18:28. > :18:28.
:18:28. > :18:38.You can book now and people have booked. Are they going to adopt an
:18:38. > :18:42.alien. Michael choux Mcer is booked on --
:18:43. > :18:48.Michael Michael Schumacher. Would you want to be on with Stephen
:18:48. > :18:51.Hawking. Can you imagine being on with a bigger know all and James
:18:51. > :18:57.Lovelock, he is a 92-year-old scientist and this is something,
:18:57. > :19:03.what about this, when you get older, you are not as affected by G-force
:19:03. > :19:12.as younger people. You know G-force, as you get older because your face
:19:12. > :19:16.is shit, it means it just flops, your eyes are like there. If you
:19:16. > :19:24.open your mouth really wide, your skull comes out of your head.
:19:24. > :19:28.Brilliant. LAUGHTER
:19:28. > :19:33.How many people in here believe in at least the possibility of aliens?
:19:33. > :19:43.Oh a lot. Really a lot. So Timothy Good is in
:19:43. > :19:47.
:19:47. > :19:54.the audience tonight. Hello Timothy, you are a ufolo gist? I wouldn't
:19:54. > :20:01.call myself that. On the fen non numb, -- on the phenomenon, yes.
:20:01. > :20:07.Do you find people are sceptical or open? I myself am sceptical about
:20:07. > :20:12.the evidence. Up to 90% of all UFO reports can be explained in
:20:12. > :20:15.conventional terms. However, I would say millions of people
:20:15. > :20:19.worldwide have actually seen the real thing.
:20:19. > :20:23.Why do they come here? Because they don't seem to make formal contact?
:20:23. > :20:27.They have made formal and informal contact with thousands of people
:20:27. > :20:32.throughout the world from all walks of of life.
:20:32. > :20:39.Why don't they go to Barack Obama, someone who it is worth approaching.
:20:39. > :20:46.He is busy. I can tell you in 1955, the
:20:46. > :20:54.president had three encounters set- up meetings with aliens which took
:20:54. > :20:58.place at certain Air Force bases and many witnesses... Hold on.
:20:58. > :21:02.LAUGHTER What? How could we not know about
:21:02. > :21:09.that? A lot of this stuff has been published.
:21:09. > :21:12.Isn't it a big story? Well, apparently not, it has been
:21:12. > :21:20.published, no one has taken any notice of it.
:21:20. > :21:30.Have you personally had... OK this was in 1967 I was with the London
:21:30. > :21:49.
:21:49. > :21:50.symphony orchestra, I am also a professional fiddler...
:21:50. > :21:53.LAUGHTER And I had learnt from several
:21:53. > :21:56.people that about their encounters with some of these people, the more
:21:56. > :21:58.human types of aliens, they look very similar to us and I had learnt
:21:58. > :22:01.they are highly tell owe pathic and sometimes you can initiate meetings
:22:01. > :22:04.and this was my second experience which I will describe. This was in
:22:04. > :22:07.New York. I sent out a tell pathic message, I sat in the in the lobby
:22:07. > :22:10.of the Park Sheraton Hotel and I sent out in my my mind, "If any of
:22:10. > :22:17.you guys are around, I would like some proof." After half an hour, a
:22:17. > :22:24.man came in, he was about 5'10" and immaculately dress in a... A space
:22:24. > :22:28.suit? He came and sat down beside me and he had a case from which he
:22:28. > :22:32.pulled out the New York Times and he turned the pages over very
:22:32. > :22:37.slowly one by one and folded the newspaper and put it back in the
:22:37. > :22:41.case and put it back and I said in my mind, "If you are the guy I
:22:41. > :22:48.think you are, take your right index and hold it to the right side
:22:48. > :22:52.of your nose and keep it there." And it went.
:22:52. > :22:55.You definitely said it in your mind? I did. People say why didn't
:22:55. > :23:01.you talk to him? I didn't and that's the fact of the matter. I
:23:01. > :23:03.regret that I didn't speak. So he left? He left and he looked at me
:23:03. > :23:08.seriously for a while and then he left and that was it.
:23:08. > :23:14.What I like about it, it is quite under stated. There is no probes up
:23:14. > :23:19.bums or anything like that. This was a British alien not an
:23:19. > :23:29.American one. The Americans always put the probes up the bums. We have
:23:29. > :23:30.
:23:30. > :23:31.the encounters with the newspapers. You get the aliens you deserve.
:23:31. > :23:34.LAUGHTER I would like to talk about the
:23:34. > :23:37.concept of bucket lists. OK, now in case you are not familiar with this,
:23:37. > :23:44.a bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you kick the
:23:44. > :23:49.bucket. That's the idea. And one of the most common ones is to swim
:23:49. > :23:55.with dolphins. Anyone who has swum with dolphins here? Oh, quite a few.
:23:55. > :24:05.That lady with the stripy top. Yeah. I swam in Mexico and it was really
:24:05. > :24:07.
:24:07. > :24:09.good. I did enjoy it and they did it well. They swim beautifully.
:24:09. > :24:12.LAUGHTER Anyway, what do you make of the
:24:12. > :24:15.whole bucket list idea? It is just one more thing to feel
:24:15. > :24:19.guilty about. We are told to achieve so much in the rest of our
:24:19. > :24:23.lives, now we have to do it in our time off. And we have to panic
:24:23. > :24:26.ourselves that we haven't bungy jumped.
:24:26. > :24:32.Is there anyone had has some burning ambition they want to
:24:32. > :24:34.fulfil like this, you do? Box a kangaroo.
:24:34. > :24:44.LAUGHTER What would do it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
:24:44. > :24:55.
:24:55. > :24:58.I can't stand them.. LAUGHTER
:24:58. > :24:59.Now we have a picture of a woman called Gert y Painter.
:25:00. > :25:02.LAUGHTER Gerty Painter when she was 97, she
:25:02. > :25:05.decided she wanted to try abseiling. Has she got a Tutu on.
:25:05. > :25:08.I hope it is a Tutu. It could just be loose skin. This is a woman, she
:25:08. > :25:14.is 100 years old and called Claire Ormiston. We have got a picture of
:25:14. > :25:24.Claire. This was her wish for her 100th birthday. That's a male
:25:24. > :25:25.
:25:25. > :25:27.stripper. That's a packet list! LAUGHTER
:25:27. > :25:29.I'm not completely convinced that it was this lady, Claire, who
:25:29. > :25:34.wanted the... We have footage of the moment when she had this
:25:34. > :25:40.supposed wish come true. Claire Ormiston had no doubts when she was
:25:40. > :25:50.asked what she wanted for her 100th birthday, a stripper gram and step
:25:50. > :25:52.
:25:52. > :25:56.in the stripper to deliver the birthday treat. It was mum's idea
:25:56. > :26:00.actually. We were asking what she would like for her party and she
:26:00. > :26:07.came up with one or two suggestions including the first suggestion was
:26:07. > :26:12.a seat on the moon. That's pretty impossible and then Barbara the
:26:12. > :26:18.matron asked her if if there was anything that she would like and
:26:18. > :26:28.she said, "Mm, a stripper.". she say a seat on the loo and a
:26:28. > :26:32.
:26:32. > :26:35.slipper? LAUGHTER
:26:35. > :26:45.The one thing I have always really wanted to do. I once had a horse
:26:45. > :26:46.
:26:46. > :26:48.stood on my foot and I pushed it to get it off and it nearly fell over.
:26:48. > :26:51.LAUGHTER And ever since then I thought not
:26:51. > :26:53.to hurt it, but I really love to push a horse over. There is a thing
:26:53. > :26:56.called cow tipping. Teenagers go around and push cows over while
:26:57. > :27:04.they are asleep. LAUGHTER
:27:05. > :27:09.Have you never heard of it? I don't want to hurt hurt it. We have
:27:09. > :27:15.Richard Wilson in the audience. Not him. Richard, you wrote a book...
:27:15. > :27:22.did. About bucket lists? Yeah. Is it fair to say that your stance
:27:22. > :27:23.is Annie? I am extremely anti- actually.
:27:23. > :27:26.Why is that? The people who make those lists up and tick them off,
:27:27. > :27:32.they are waving their new experiences in the faces of
:27:32. > :27:42.ordinary people and dull people like me whereas if new and exciting
:27:42. > :27:45.
:27:45. > :27:48.experiences are something good. LAUGHTER
:27:48. > :27:51.They are to be treated with extreme caution and I'm often shunned. If
:27:51. > :27:55.you take the view that something is either too far away, too expensive
:27:55. > :28:01.or too dangerous, you can eliminate a range of things and concentrate
:28:01. > :28:04.on the important things in life. Actually, a lot of great
:28:04. > :28:09.philosophies are about you should have what you want, you should just
:28:09. > :28:16.have less. I have written a book for Catholics
:28:16. > :28:23.called 101 Things To Do After You Die.
:28:23. > :28:28.The Muslim version of that is racier.
:28:28. > :28:32.I'm not going there. I hope to do a few things before I die.
:28:32. > :28:39.Zblu must have been -- you must have been to exciting places?
:28:39. > :28:45.have seen the at that stage ma -- imagine ma hal.
:28:45. > :28:51.How was that? Disappointing. Has anyone got any unusual bucket
:28:51. > :28:55.list list items? Not you, but that lady with the blond hair and the
:28:55. > :29:03.woman behind you was going... LAUGHTER
:29:03. > :29:06.What's your burning ambition? want to get a hug off Frank Skinner.
:29:06. > :29:14.Would that be on your bucket list? Yeah.
:29:14. > :29:24.We might need a bucket! I'll meet you there on the stairs.
:29:24. > :29:28.
:29:28. > :29:30.This is the big ambition. That's lovely.
:29:30. > :29:36.APPLAUSE You are my son-in-law now.
:29:36. > :29:40.That's a very unusual ceremony. Nos Norwich, -- that's Norwich, isn't