:00:27. > :00:31.There's some strong language in Hello and welcome. Tonight, we are
:00:31. > :00:38.in Glasgow. APPLAUSE
:00:38. > :00:41.It's been a strange old week. It turns out some of the polar bears
:00:41. > :00:45.in Frozen Planet weren't actually in the Arctic when they were filmed.
:00:45. > :00:49.I got a bit suspicious when I noticed some were standing on
:00:49. > :00:53.mints! LAUGHTER
:00:53. > :00:57.This isn't the first such controversy Sir David has been
:00:57. > :01:00.involved in. Many will remember in 1999 when during the sequence
:01:00. > :01:10.supposedly filmed in the great barrier reef, one of the fish
:01:10. > :01:15.
:01:15. > :01:22.suddenly started singing Don't Worry, Be Happy. The -- there is a
:01:22. > :01:27.campaign that is called ho No, No, which is Silvio Berlusconi's new
:01:27. > :01:36.year's resolution. The campaign features two dogs who are left
:01:36. > :01:41.alone in a wood last Christmas. The Trust named the dogs Pudding and
:01:41. > :01:46.Brandy, which is an unusual way of suggesting that a dog is not just
:01:46. > :01:51.for Christmas. David Cameron's decision to veto the treaty has
:01:51. > :01:57.made Great Britain very unhop lar in Europe, but still not quite as
:01:57. > :02:00.unpopular -- unpopular in Europe, but still not quite as unpopular as
:02:00. > :02:03.in Scotland. Apparently at the meeting the European leaders were
:02:03. > :02:07.all trying to prove they were suffering the most financial
:02:07. > :02:13.hardship. The Irish leader said he had to be bailed out by the IMF,
:02:13. > :02:19.the Greek leader said they had been in recession for three consecutive
:02:19. > :02:29.years and Angela Merkel said she was suffering a double dip!
:02:29. > :02:33.APPLAUSE An Italian cat has inherited nearly
:02:33. > :02:40.�10 million. Making it something of a celebrity in Italy. On Tuesday,
:02:40. > :02:45.the Kata tended the Italian of the Year show, where it won nine
:02:45. > :02:51.Lifetime Achievement Awards. The press questioned whether it should
:02:51. > :03:00.be legal to leave a cat �10 million. Even Silvio Berlusconi said he's
:03:00. > :03:04.never spent that much on pussy! APPLAUSE
:03:05. > :03:08.On Tuesday, retail guru Mary Portas gave her views on what's gone wrong
:03:08. > :03:13.with the average British high street. Today, the model of the
:03:13. > :03:23.high street is so outdated. It is working in the same way it did in
:03:23. > :03:30.
:03:30. > :03:34.the 60s. That ain't here. Maybe you should tell your hairdresser! The X
:03:34. > :03:39.Factor judgment Louis Walsh has spent �30,000 on a hair transplant.
:03:39. > :03:44.He said he hadn't noticed he was going bald. To be fair, it's quite
:03:44. > :03:49.dark up Simon Cowell's arse. At last, we have an English version of
:03:49. > :03:54.the lock necessary monster. In the river Lee, near the Olympic Stadium,
:03:54. > :04:00.a Canada goose was pulled below the surface for by a large creature. A
:04:00. > :04:10.spokesman said: I think it's probably David Attenborough in an
:04:10. > :04:16.oven glove! He's filming his new series, The Mysteries of the Amazon.
:04:16. > :04:26.Please, welcome Sarah Millican and reethnald D hunter.
:04:26. > :04:28.
:04:28. > :04:32.APPLAUSE -- Reginald D Hunter. APPLAUSE
:04:32. > :04:36.Thanks for coming all this way. It's not a problem to Glasgow. You
:04:36. > :04:46.picked it in December. Why can't we do this in July? It's exactly the
:04:46. > :04:50.
:04:50. > :04:59.same! That's cute, man. It's bad, man! What hurts? I thought I had
:04:59. > :05:03.the flu, but then I realised the cold had reached into my soul!
:05:03. > :05:07.hate it when that happens. I know. We usually start the show by asking
:05:07. > :05:14.a member of the audience to suggest a news story to talk about. Is
:05:14. > :05:18.there anyone wanting to get the ball rolling? There's a man there.
:05:18. > :05:23.What about the pandas arriving in Edinburgh. What do you think of
:05:23. > :05:31.them? It's quite exciting. really. We are spending �1 million
:05:31. > :05:34.a year on them. It would be spent on something else, rather than
:05:34. > :05:41.blooming pandas. Generally speaking any choice on pandas and hospitals
:05:41. > :05:46.on the other, I go panda! I think the idea is the money they spend
:05:46. > :05:51.they'll still make a profit, because they'll sell a lot of
:05:51. > :05:58.keyring. The pandas will sell them? Are they making them work in the
:05:58. > :06:02.shop as well? They've got to wern the million. -- earn the million.
:06:02. > :06:06.If you had a stroke, but instead of rushing you to the hospital they
:06:06. > :06:10.brought in a panda, you'd be pretty mad. My mam and dad have been up on
:06:10. > :06:14.holiday in Scotland and they said, next time we're all here, which
:06:14. > :06:18.will be in March, do you want to go and see the pandas? I texted back
:06:18. > :06:27.about other things and then I said totally up for the pandas and many
:06:27. > :06:31.mam thinks it's a new award. She thinks I'm up for a panda. That
:06:31. > :06:39.would be brilliant. They are going to become celebrities. They'll be
:06:39. > :06:43.great for the tourist board and all that. They exist. That's one thing.
:06:43. > :06:52.The monster exists as well, it's just that it doesn't appear. He's
:06:52. > :06:54.certainly a lot cheaper, the monster. They are calling them
:06:54. > :07:01.Brangelina because they are a celebrity couple and because
:07:01. > :07:08.they'll probably end up with black and white children!
:07:08. > :07:15.APPLAUSE It is - any other stories anyone
:07:15. > :07:20.would like to talk about? What about the lady in the red dress?
:07:20. > :07:25.What are your opinions on the man- handling the boy off the trained.
:07:25. > :07:29.We have a bit of the footage. If you are not completely aware, this
:07:29. > :07:32.happened just outside of Edinburgh and a guy was told that he had to
:07:32. > :07:39.get off the train because his ticket wasn't valid and he didn't
:07:39. > :07:49.want to get off. You've not paid at all. You've bought a single. I told
:07:49. > :07:53.
:07:53. > :08:03.you I paid. No, you've not. You need not swear. Don't start
:08:03. > :08:04.
:08:04. > :08:14.complaining. Is he getting off here. Yes. Right, come on. Move. Move now.
:08:14. > :08:19.
:08:19. > :08:23.Get off the train. Move. Now move! APPLAUSE
:08:23. > :08:31.That woman in the glasses looked like she had a bit of a go on the
:08:31. > :08:37.way out. She was all quiet and then thought, he's the big man. Is
:08:37. > :08:44.anyone on the side of the little fellow? This lady in the blonde
:08:44. > :08:48.hair. Emight have bought a ticket and that's somebody's son who left
:08:48. > :08:54.out with no money to get a train home and I feel sorry for him.
:08:54. > :08:58.are entitled to your opinion. said all the stuff in his Walt was
:08:58. > :09:02.left on the train. I should say that the bit before this, he's
:09:02. > :09:07.basically swearing quite a lot at the poor old white-haired guard who
:09:07. > :09:12.is only doing his job. One would argue that Hitler was somebody's
:09:12. > :09:20.son! I felt sorry for him, anyway. LAUGHTER
:09:20. > :09:25.What do you think, reg? -- Reg? It's good to see a man step forward,
:09:25. > :09:29.whatever the consequences I'm going to right this, instead of somebody
:09:29. > :09:39.telling me it's OK. It's cool. The lady up here, she is a mother and
:09:39. > :09:44.
:09:44. > :09:48.empathises. She feels for that little boy, but fuck him, really!
:09:48. > :09:57.think we'll kick off now. I guess, the big story of the week is the
:09:57. > :10:01.fact that David Cameron said no, no, no. That's in Europe. Apparently,
:10:01. > :10:04.Nick Clegg, you may or may not know, is the Deputy Prime Minister, was
:10:04. > :10:14.very upset and this is the quote from Nick Clegg which I find
:10:14. > :10:25.
:10:25. > :10:30.Now, can I just say that to me summing up what he's saying there,
:10:31. > :10:36.is a bulldog is better than a pygmy? That is the most racist
:10:36. > :10:46.thing I've ever heard any politician say. Correct me if I'm
:10:46. > :10:47.
:10:47. > :10:57.wrong s a pygmy a black mythet? midget No, not quite. It's a tribe
:10:57. > :10:59.
:10:59. > :11:06.that are all very short. Pygmies are a tribe. OK. They are migets. -
:11:06. > :11:12.- midgets. I think that's a word that we are going to have to let go.
:11:12. > :11:17.They haven't got rid of midget gems yet. How many people agree with
:11:17. > :11:21.Cameron? Anyone think he did the wrong thing? There are more pandas
:11:21. > :11:29.in Scotland than there are Tory MPs. I think Tory MPs are slightly
:11:29. > :11:33.cheaper! I don't think I've ever said that before. Did you see Prime
:11:33. > :11:37.Minister's questions this week? A very rare thing happened. There
:11:37. > :11:41.was quite a good joke in the House of Commons and it was done by David
:11:41. > :11:44.Cameron. Did you see this? Ed Miliband said something about the
:11:44. > :11:48.fact that Cameron and Clegg weren't getting on and Cameron said, "Don't
:11:48. > :11:56.believe everything you read in the papers. It's not that bad. It's not
:11:56. > :12:00.as if we're brothers or anything." Ed looked like a bullied schoolboy.
:12:00. > :12:04.It was terrible, but then, and this is why Cameron isn't a professional
:12:04. > :12:09.comedian, he turned to the other Tories and said, "Well, he walked
:12:09. > :12:15.right into that one." I thought, you don't do that. He's just ruined
:12:15. > :12:20.it. He's killed it now. Let it go. No point coaching these people. Is
:12:20. > :12:23.there anyone who likes the idea of being European? Lady right there.
:12:23. > :12:31.You are proud to be European? would rather be European than
:12:31. > :12:35.British. Oohhhh! I'm happy - That's upsetting. People get weird about
:12:35. > :12:44.that. It's a bit of a touchy subject, the old British thing. We
:12:44. > :12:49.want you to stay, we in England. They are looking at you like, "You
:12:49. > :12:52.know what you did." APPLAUSE
:12:52. > :12:55.Does anyone else have any thoughts on the whole English thing, because
:12:56. > :13:02.I'm interested in it? What about that man there with the raised
:13:02. > :13:09.hand? We are just a bit sick of the arrogance, that the English showed
:13:09. > :13:14.towards the rest of Britain. Particularly football.
:13:14. > :13:21.APPLAUSE I mean, any time England plays all
:13:21. > :13:27.we hear, 1966. It was over 40kwhreerz -- 40 years ago. Get
:13:27. > :13:37.over it, you'll never win it again. APPLAUSE
:13:37. > :13:37.
:13:37. > :13:47.Well, I could say the same about Banockburn Wait for it. He walked
:13:47. > :13:48.
:13:48. > :13:52.right into that one! Is there anyone here who is pro-English?
:13:52. > :13:56.Anyone who is Scottish? What about the man, I'm calling it a tartan
:13:56. > :14:03.shirt? I worked in England for about 20 years and my wife here is
:14:03. > :14:11.English, - and I made him put his hands up. We are still bullying
:14:11. > :14:16.them now. Reg, the Americans are not exactly much loved across the
:14:16. > :14:23.globe? No there are lots of Americans who are assholes. British
:14:23. > :14:31.folk say to me, "30% of Americans have a passport." They say it with
:14:31. > :14:38.a tone of... You better be glad. If you let them know there are other
:14:38. > :14:42.places go outside of America! have something of - can I have a
:14:42. > :14:47.quick show of hands. How many people are in favour of Scottish
:14:47. > :14:53.independence? Not that many. I thought it was quite popular. No,
:14:53. > :14:59.OK. Well, we have an interesting man here who has experienced
:14:59. > :15:04.independence in the extreme form. We have Prince Michael of Sealand
:15:04. > :15:11.in the audience. Prince Michael. Hello. It's nice to see you.
:15:11. > :15:17.too. You are from Seeland. I suspect many of us won't know what
:15:17. > :15:21.that is, or where it is. Can you enlighten us? It's a small war-time
:15:21. > :15:26.fortress in the North Sea that my father declared independence on in
:15:26. > :15:30.the 60s. He lived on this place and declared it a principality? Yeah,
:15:30. > :15:39.indeed. We have some footage of Seeland to give an idea of what it
:15:39. > :15:45.is like. There it is. It's not the dream island. No, I few palm trees
:15:45. > :15:49.would be nice. You lived there for how long? Years and years. What was
:15:50. > :15:54.it liking living on Seeland? It doesn't look like you have got a
:15:54. > :16:01.lot space. There's quite a lot of space. Those two towers that you
:16:01. > :16:07.look at have rooms right down to the level of the seabed. Quie a lot
:16:07. > :16:13.of space. I -- quite a lot of space. I bet you lost a few footballs?
:16:13. > :16:17.did. We have a picture of your dad diclairg independence. That is him
:16:17. > :16:21.and some of his -- declaring independence. That is him and some
:16:21. > :16:29.of his mates. That's me on the left. You have got your own flag. Joirbgs
:16:29. > :16:36.stamps and coins. When your dad -- Stamps and coins. When your dad
:16:36. > :16:40.claims this, did not someone from the Navy say, "It belongs to us?
:16:40. > :16:47.."? It was in international waters, but the British Government
:16:47. > :16:52.considered us like a Cuba off the coast. It's seven-and-a-half miles
:16:52. > :17:00.off the coast. I bet it's lovely and quiet? No neighbours to annoy.
:17:00. > :17:07.You say that. Look at this picture. You don't want a house on the main
:17:07. > :17:12.road! It's an amazing story. This is your son. My son, James. Your
:17:12. > :17:18.Prince Michael and so what it your title? I'm a prince. Are you
:17:18. > :17:23.running out of ideas, Michael? OK. So what else have you got? Other
:17:23. > :17:29.people, kings? We issue titles. We have noble people, Lords and ladies
:17:29. > :17:33.and barons and we would like to make you a Lord of Seeland if you
:17:33. > :17:43.would accept. APPLAUSE
:17:43. > :17:53.
:17:53. > :17:57.What happens? I'm on my way. APPLAUSE
:17:57. > :18:05.Thank you so much. That's brilliant. That's fantastic. Thank you very
:18:05. > :18:11.much. Cheers. Brilliant. I am actually now officially a Lord. Can
:18:11. > :18:16.I sit in the House of Lords with that? The Sealand House of Lords.
:18:16. > :18:20.OK! I bet there's a lock on the door, isn't there? Look, as we are
:18:20. > :18:25.up in Scotland, I thought I would take advantage of that to talk
:18:25. > :18:29.about an event which I have always associated with Scotland since I
:18:29. > :18:39.was a child. That is new year. Would most people in here say that
:18:39. > :18:39.
:18:39. > :18:42.new year is a bigger deal than Christmas? All all yes. If you are
:18:42. > :18:46.a family gentleman then Christmas should be more important, but if
:18:46. > :18:50.you are single you can embrace the drink culture and the rest of the
:18:50. > :18:57.world will embrace it with you. It's only the time it's socially
:18:57. > :19:04.accepted. I have to disagree. When I was a heavy drinker I hated New
:19:04. > :19:10.Year's Eve. There are all the part- time drinkers blocking the path.
:19:10. > :19:20.The most tragic new year... The most tragic new year, I spent in on
:19:20. > :19:25.
:19:25. > :19:35.my own and for my own amusement at midnight I performed a sexual act
:19:35. > :19:35.
:19:35. > :19:43.which I combined with the Auld Lang Sayne. Now, whenever I do it I
:19:43. > :19:53.think back to that. I wore marigolds. I would recommend it, if
:19:53. > :19:57.you are alone this new year. Is anyone here planning to make a new
:19:57. > :20:01.year's resolution and they've decided? What about this guy here
:20:01. > :20:11.with the very Scottish T-shirt? Last year's resolution, which was
:20:11. > :20:13.
:20:13. > :20:17.to try to get on telly. APPLAUSE
:20:17. > :20:25.Congratulations. Thank you very much. It's much easier than giving
:20:25. > :20:27.up smoking, isn't it? Any other new year's resolutions? That lady with
:20:27. > :20:31.the specticals? We are both saving up to get married, so the
:20:31. > :20:38.resolution is to put as much money away as possible, so if anyone
:20:38. > :20:45.wants to chip in, feel free. What kind of thing will you sacrifice?
:20:45. > :20:51.Food. Heating. Anything. Everything. Do you not worry that when you take
:20:51. > :20:54.all the luxuries out of your life you may grow to loath each other?
:20:54. > :20:57.Are you saving the money to have the wedding or saving the money so
:20:57. > :21:02.once you all get married you can take your first year off or
:21:02. > :21:12.something like that The big day, the big dress. How much roughly
:21:12. > :21:13.
:21:13. > :21:21.will that cost? 18,027! That sounds to me that is more one person's
:21:21. > :21:27.dream! You look perfectly matched. You are both dressed the same. You
:21:27. > :21:33.look like Eastern European puppet eers. Is there anyone here who has
:21:33. > :21:39.got what we used to call in the old days, a party piece? I've got one.
:21:39. > :21:46.I can do a horn noise. Are you ready?
:21:46. > :21:53.APPLAUSE I have to do the hand. I can't do
:21:53. > :22:01.it without the hand. Any other party pieces? That man there in the
:22:01. > :22:11.checked shirt. I can make a tea towel into a chicken. I love that.
:22:11. > :22:14.
:22:14. > :22:19.What did he say? Something about a chicken! Oh, no. Surely not? A tea
:22:19. > :22:24.towel. I can make it into a chicken. Well, I would love to see that.
:22:24. > :22:28.While we get the tea towel, I would like to show you I think perhaps
:22:28. > :22:35.the greatest party piece of all time. I've shown several clips this
:22:35. > :22:39.series, but this is my favourite of all. This is a man called Cecil who
:22:39. > :22:43.has a fabulous party piece, but I think he's a kind of a party piece
:22:43. > :22:47.in himself. In the year of 1914 in the month of February I was coming
:22:48. > :22:51.home from school and my hands got very cold and I had no mittens. I
:22:51. > :22:54.began to bring them together and that wouldn't do, so I began
:22:55. > :22:58.squeezing them and I was surprised to think I could make a few
:22:58. > :23:08.different sounds. Then I played every day and pretty soon I could
:23:08. > :23:30.
:23:31. > :23:40.play tunes. Pretty soon I could play Yankee Doodle.
:23:41. > :23:42.
:23:42. > :23:52.APPLAUSE Feeling home-sick, Reg? Actually,
:23:52. > :24:12.
:24:12. > :24:17.I'm feeling a burst of pride. This weekend is the final of
:24:17. > :24:23.Strictly Come Dancing. Do you watch Strictly Come Dancing, Rth? Never
:24:23. > :24:28.seen it. Are -- Reg? Never seen it. Are you aware of what it is? Yes,
:24:28. > :24:33.it gives a man and a woman who are not mairdary a chance to touch --
:24:33. > :24:40.married a chance to get to touch each other without anyone getting
:24:40. > :24:44.upset. It is harmless ar battic touching. Do you dance -- acrobatic
:24:44. > :24:48.touching. Do you dance? I try to dance with my arms in the air
:24:48. > :24:53.because that's the best way my boobs look, because they are up
:24:53. > :24:58.higher. The best dance for your boobs is Auld Lang Sayne. You just
:24:58. > :25:05.rest them on a shelve. I have to say, I really struggle with it. If
:25:05. > :25:08.I get on a dancefloor, it could be at a wedding or elsewhere, I get
:25:09. > :25:13.incredibly self-conscious. I can barely move. When we used to go to
:25:13. > :25:21.discos when I was 18 or 19, all the girls had a little signal that we
:25:21. > :25:26.do to each other, if there was a bloke in his 50s in a Noel Edmonds'
:25:26. > :25:30.jumper, going behind you. You had to do something like that and they
:25:30. > :25:37.would swoop in. I am suggesting that maybe they are looking at you.
:25:37. > :25:43.Were you wearing a Noel Edmonds' jumper? I thought there was a knits
:25:43. > :25:49.epidemic. I love that bit when Tom Jones, when he does Kiss, "Think I
:25:49. > :25:54.better dance now." Then he doesn't really. They always looks like
:25:54. > :26:02.somebody has shot a bear with a knock-out dart, then while he was
:26:02. > :26:12.knocked out they put clothes on it and he is trying to get them off.
:26:12. > :26:15.That's just my view. We have a man in the audience, Dr Peter lovet. --
:26:15. > :26:21.Lovett. Would it be true to say that you are the Lord of the dance?
:26:21. > :26:26.No. Well, maybe. I'm a dance psychologist. I study the
:26:26. > :26:30.psychology and science of dance. Can you tell me why do I get
:26:30. > :26:35.incredibly self-conscious when I dance? Well, we have looked at
:26:35. > :26:39.dancing of about 14,000 people from right across the age range from 13
:26:39. > :26:42.to 76, from men and women and we find dance confidence changes as
:26:42. > :26:45.the function of your age and gender. You are probably very self-
:26:45. > :26:50.conscious because you know that people are watching you. The reason
:26:50. > :26:54.you are self-conscious about that, is because the way you dance is
:26:54. > :26:58.influenced by your genetic make-up and people can see that when you
:26:58. > :27:02.dance. You mean I'm sort of putting my sexuality in the shop window?
:27:02. > :27:07.Yeah, we all do whenever we dance. They say the secret of happiness is
:27:07. > :27:11.to be able to dance like there's no-one watching. I've never managed
:27:11. > :27:16.to do that. There are lots of things we could work on with you to
:27:16. > :27:20.kind of get rid of that. One of those is to stop you thinking. You
:27:20. > :27:26.need to get rid of that thought process and make your body move and
:27:26. > :27:32.wiggle a little bit. It's a lot more fun that -- than doing the
:27:32. > :27:36.Auld Lang Sayne on your own! APPLAUSE
:27:36. > :27:40.I believe the idea is that as you get older you care less about what
:27:40. > :27:45.people think about you, so you dance with great fee Dom? We know
:27:45. > :27:51.that men over the age of 65 are the most confident dancers of all men
:27:51. > :27:56.across their whole lifespan. glad you said that. This is a bloke
:27:56. > :28:00.called Sweet Fred. This is a Shania Twain gig. She calls up this little
:28:00. > :28:05.old guy out of the audience and asks him if he wants to dance, but
:28:05. > :28:15.he's a bit deaf and he says, "I can't sing." Bless him. Then he
:28:15. > :28:30.
:28:30. > :28:37.gets into the groove. # Don't freak out until the you
:28:37. > :28:41.know the facts, relax... # He doesn't give a shit. So, thanks to