:00:00. > :00:11.This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
:00:12. > :00:24.Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Frankie Boyle!
:00:25. > :00:36.Hello and welcome to the final show in this cautious for Mike episode
:00:37. > :00:41.commission from the BBC. We are now under a Conservative government. We
:00:42. > :00:45.have become normalised to it, haven't we? Theresa May keeps going
:00:46. > :00:49.on TV and doing that weird smiling thing that she does, that thing
:00:50. > :00:56.halfway between having a stroke and screaming forever. I often wonder
:00:57. > :01:01.what she's doing. Is she doing her pelvic floor exercises on national
:01:02. > :01:07.television? By this stage she must be able to snap a cricket stump in
:01:08. > :01:11.half. Michael Gove is in her Cabinet. Put-in Michael Gove in
:01:12. > :01:16.charge of the environment is like putting an orangutan in charge of
:01:17. > :01:20.the foreign office. Something which she's also done. David Davis, the
:01:21. > :01:27.Brexit negotiator, he is the favourite to be the next Tory
:01:28. > :01:32.leader. He is 68. Jeremy Corbyn is 68. And Vince Cable is dying. Be
:01:33. > :01:41.good to have one party leader who wasn't conceived by gas light in an
:01:42. > :01:46.air raid shelter. I don't trust our Brexit negotiating team, and the
:01:47. > :01:55.incidentally. I think they are the sort of people who would end up
:01:56. > :01:58.paying full price on a DFS sofa. The Labour Party are leading in the
:01:59. > :02:01.polls. Jeremy Corbyn is leading in the polls and if there was an
:02:02. > :02:06.election tomorrow, Labour would win and yet Jeremy Corbyn still doesn't
:02:07. > :02:11.have the support of his own MPs. He might be ahead in the polls but
:02:12. > :02:18.here's the worst person at controlling a party since Michael
:02:19. > :02:22.Barrymore. On with the show. Joining me to discuss week's big topic is,
:02:23. > :02:39.Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan! Hello, it's been a couple of weeks,
:02:40. > :02:44.but have you been up to? I've invented a drinking game. The
:02:45. > :02:48.trumped reason drinking game. Basically when you watch the news if
:02:49. > :02:52.there's a sentence that has Trump and trees and together you take a
:02:53. > :02:58.drink. I'd play the game without even knowing about the game. Donal
:02:59. > :03:07.Trump Jr is working at making that game happening. He's admitted to
:03:08. > :03:11.collusion with Russia via a tweet. He is innocent and transparent, says
:03:12. > :03:16.Donald Trump seniors so it is sort of like he went to a drug deal but
:03:17. > :03:24.then they sold him oregano so he's cool. Takes some work to be the
:03:25. > :03:29.black sheep of the Trump family. We don't need to worry about the
:03:30. > :03:34.environment because we are all about to disappear in a ball of nuclear
:03:35. > :03:38.light. I suppose there is every part of everyone of us that hopes that at
:03:39. > :03:44.some point soon politics will go back to normal, Twitter will go back
:03:45. > :03:49.to being what it is supposed to be- a platform for sending death threats
:03:50. > :03:53.to X Factor finalists. We live in a bold worst foreign policy norms lack
:03:54. > :03:56.any kind of morality, when neocolonial policies make our
:03:57. > :04:01.military adventures abroad little more than licensed murder, where
:04:02. > :04:03.Britain thinks of itself as having a special relationship with America
:04:04. > :04:10.but America thinks of Britain as somewhere where it stores its
:04:11. > :04:15.missiles. Somewhere like a shared. The North Korean leader is firing
:04:16. > :04:21.missiles into the Sea of Japan and is at risk of waking Godzilla. The
:04:22. > :04:28.US President is so deranged that you conform a better president from the
:04:29. > :04:31.meat in his colon. One of the main obstacles to world peace is Donald
:04:32. > :04:38.Trump. Say what you like about him, he has proved a lot of people wrong.
:04:39. > :04:43.Sadly, not George Orwell, Margaret Atwood or whoever wrote the book of
:04:44. > :04:46.Revelation. One of our main problems is we don't understand the moral
:04:47. > :04:51.problems of how we act in other countries. We think we target
:04:52. > :04:56.militant people with a missiles, we have precision targeting. You can't
:04:57. > :05:01.do that! You can't target something specifically if you're going to blow
:05:02. > :05:05.it up with high explosives. There is no point finding the clear choice if
:05:06. > :05:13.what you find it with is an uppercut. Joining us to discuss our
:05:14. > :05:14.impending doom, please welcome Romesh Ranganathan and Desiree
:05:15. > :05:35.Burch! Welcome. Are you worried about
:05:36. > :05:40.disappearing in a curtain of flame? I'm not, no. I don't think
:05:41. > :05:45.disappearing in a ball of light sounds that bad. In the past, we had
:05:46. > :05:50.bullets. This, you go, it sounds nice. If anything, I wouldn't want
:05:51. > :05:54.to be a survivor. That is the absolute worst. If there was a
:05:55. > :05:58.danger of us getting nuked, I'm jumping in the car and heading
:05:59. > :06:08.towards the blast point with my wife. That would be a great movie.
:06:09. > :06:13.Or a great travelogue series. I just wouldn't want to survive it. You've
:06:14. > :06:20.got to then repopulate the Earth. Boring! Not just boring, you have
:06:21. > :06:25.your kid and then you've got to give them the most twisted birds and bees
:06:26. > :06:31.talk all the time. When a man loves a woman, and by that I mean you
:06:32. > :06:37.two... I have to agree. Unfortunately, I think we're going
:06:38. > :06:42.to be a 68 it by Cal Fat far before we die in the nuclear winter so if
:06:43. > :06:47.nuclear winter comes, I am super for it because not only do you have to
:06:48. > :06:50.have your brother and sister make babies but then they have to
:06:51. > :06:55.recreate the world, figure out the language we're going to speak,
:06:56. > :07:02.figure out who we are going to have to press to make an economy. It is a
:07:03. > :07:10.lot of work. You have to reinvent Netflix. Fucked that. First up,
:07:11. > :07:13.Donald Trump's image among his supporters is built around his
:07:14. > :07:23.proclaimed love of America. Take a look at this peculiar behaviour.
:07:24. > :07:30.# Stand up next to you # And defend her still today
:07:31. > :07:43.# God bless the USA! There is an element of Stockholm
:07:44. > :07:48.syndrome. I've started to find some things about him genuinely inspiring
:07:49. > :07:53.and I think he is cool. I'm going to do that on my Edinburgh show. I
:07:54. > :07:58.agree, that's good for him. Not good for the world. And our descent
:07:59. > :08:05.towards the apocalypse but in terms of what he is doing, he is trading
:08:06. > :08:14.on Patriots, right? That is a killer move, he is going up and hugging the
:08:15. > :08:19.flack-mac disease-mac flag. Is he being presidential? The first room,
:08:20. > :08:27.he has torn the living room apart and done a shit in the microwave.
:08:28. > :08:31.He's going to learn from this. No, he is a bare! When analysing the
:08:32. > :08:36.danger he poses, let's look at the people advising him. He prevails his
:08:37. > :08:40.most trusted adviser in this alarming phone interview. So,
:08:41. > :08:45.Donald, who were you talking to consistently since we have some
:08:46. > :08:49.foreign policy issues around the world right now. Who are you
:08:50. > :08:54.consulting with consistently so that you are ready on day one? I am
:08:55. > :08:56.speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and
:08:57. > :09:08.I've said a lot of things. I have a very good brain? It is a
:09:09. > :09:14.good brain, don't tell me it is a good brain. It is a good brain! He's
:09:15. > :09:18.incredible, he is a demagogue in the purest sense. Listen to anybody
:09:19. > :09:23.else, they'll say, we will take money from here and put it there. He
:09:24. > :09:28.says, I'm going to make health care so great. How? It's going to be
:09:29. > :09:34.amazing, trust me. Isis, we're going to kick the shit out of them, trust
:09:35. > :09:42.me. And you say, yes, I want that to happen! He must be thinking about
:09:43. > :09:45.assassinating Trump, mustn't he? The assassinated as are on his side.
:09:46. > :09:51.You're not going to have AV can shoot the face. His broadcasting
:09:52. > :09:54.allies, Fox News, were keen to investigate who students see as a
:09:55. > :10:00.threat to world peace and they were not too happy with their downbeat
:10:01. > :10:05.responses. They are supposed to be some of the smarter students in the
:10:06. > :10:10.world but one question got some pretty shocking answers at Harvard.
:10:11. > :10:19.What is a bigger threat to world peace- America or Isis? To world
:10:20. > :10:23.peace? Oh, America. No one would argue we didn't create the problem
:10:24. > :10:28.of Isis ourselves. At some level we are because of its. They are
:10:29. > :10:33.claiming to be intellectual when they claim that America is a threat
:10:34. > :10:38.to world peace. I guess they are smarter than us which is why they
:10:39. > :10:44.say that. You know, of course they're going to
:10:45. > :10:48.see that. They are at Harvard, they are at college, their first time as
:10:49. > :10:53.Americans they have open the real history books to go, we are pieces
:10:54. > :10:57.of shit. Everyone gets very liberal when they go to college because it
:10:58. > :11:06.is the first time the Wallace taken off their eyes. They're saying, I
:11:07. > :11:11.guess they're smarter. People don't sit there and go, Usain Bolt, he's
:11:12. > :11:16.running 100 metres in 9.58 seconds, I suppose he thinks he's faster than
:11:17. > :11:22.me! Arguably, under Barack Obama, they were a greater threat to the
:11:23. > :11:27.world than Isis. The assumption is he wasn't a violent president so
:11:28. > :11:30.Trump has highlighted by his idiocy and madness is how dangerous the
:11:31. > :11:34.times are be living so that is a positive thing about him. That is
:11:35. > :11:41.one thing better about him than Obama. A balm created the apparatus
:11:42. > :11:48.and handed it over to Trump. It is the worst of all. You have to be
:11:49. > :11:53.careful about the next ownership. I did a gig in Chilton one time and
:11:54. > :11:57.there is a BAE Systems or weapons manufacturer near Cheltenham. I
:11:58. > :12:02.started giving the audience a hard time about developing weapons. And
:12:03. > :12:05.the guy said I don't work on weapons, I just designed tail fins
:12:06. > :12:11.for missiles, nothing to do with me. That is his way of dealing with it,
:12:12. > :12:16.creating the disconnect. I just work on the temperature that flesh melts
:12:17. > :12:21.at. There's a page on BAE Systems explaining that they are carbon
:12:22. > :12:26.neutral. They are a carbon neutral company worried about the people's
:12:27. > :12:36.future. For every civilian killed, they plant a new one. Now, the main
:12:37. > :12:40.customer for the British arms is Saudi Arabia. The truth is everyone
:12:41. > :12:44.knows that many Western democratic beliefs are not compatible with the
:12:45. > :12:47.Saudi regime and it's becoming harder and harder for politicians to
:12:48. > :12:55.defend our relationship with them as this up close and uncomfortable
:12:56. > :13:01.footage demonstrate. The secretary criticise the Iranian elections. He
:13:02. > :13:06.did stand next to Saudi Arabian officials. Does the administration
:13:07. > :13:26.believed democracy is a buffer or barrier against extremism?
:13:27. > :13:37.I think what I would say is that the one terrorist threat is coming from
:13:38. > :13:44.Iran. And that is coming from a part of the Iranian apparatus that is not
:13:45. > :14:04.at all responsive to its electorate. It is so rare you see a human being
:14:05. > :14:10.buffering. He's quite interesting. Eventually when he thinks of it,
:14:11. > :14:13.what we say is. He knows there is an answer to this, he's looking the
:14:14. > :14:16.logical half of his brain for it. Why would we do that? What we say
:14:17. > :14:24.is... I think when we complain about our
:14:25. > :14:28.country dealing with Saudi Arabia, we don't even change our lifestyle
:14:29. > :14:35.based on the ethics of things, and we are so obsessed with the origin
:14:36. > :14:42.of things. I brought this thing from Lush, and it said, this was made by
:14:43. > :14:53.Tom from Surrey. It didn't have anything on the T-shirt I bought
:14:54. > :14:58.saying, sewing, sewing, sewing... They stand up in the South -- House
:14:59. > :15:05.of Commons and say, this will make us safer from terrorism. They are
:15:06. > :15:09.safe from terrorism. Tony Blair has armed guards outside his house! You
:15:10. > :15:15.doesn't even live in a rough area! You know what I mean? Who's going to
:15:16. > :15:21.assassinate him? The guy that wrote fucking Love Actually?! With The End
:15:22. > :15:25.Of The World On The Horizon, You Might Be Wondering If People
:15:26. > :15:33.Actually Pay Attention To The Scaremongering Spread By The Media.
:15:34. > :15:40.And, well, by me. Taylor could -- take a look at these terrifying
:15:41. > :15:46.scenes. Across the country, ordinary Americans are taking measures to
:15:47. > :15:58.prepare... I'm preparing my family for the total destruction. The
:15:59. > :16:01.financial collapse... Go, go, go! From what they see as the fast
:16:02. > :16:08.approaching end of the world as we know it...
:16:09. > :16:14.APPLAUSE I like the way it said, these people
:16:15. > :16:26.come from all walks of life. They seemed to come from one walk of life
:16:27. > :16:31.- not! That massive plate of pasta make no sense! I think it's
:16:32. > :16:39.narcissistic to be going, it's going to be us! It's not going to be
:16:40. > :16:43.asked! That contradicts your statement. These proposed hope they
:16:44. > :16:47.are not going to and then those people will reproduce and that's
:16:48. > :16:50.what the human race will be. That's more terrifying than your
:16:51. > :16:58.proposition. If they left behind, dear God help us all! So in
:16:59. > :17:06.conclusion, we humans are doing our shit best to ruin the planet. We are
:17:07. > :17:10.about three rhinos away from killing the rhinos. But we do have one
:17:11. > :17:26.success story to our name. Super gonorrhoea. We have created a whole
:17:27. > :17:32.load of medicine-resistant fucked use. We have fucked hoping to a
:17:33. > :17:36.dying world. Super gonorrhoea will be the one enduring legacy of human
:17:37. > :17:41.civilisation. It will be a Sistine Chapel, our King Lear, and we must
:17:42. > :17:50.ensure our presses -- precious creation will survive the coming
:17:51. > :17:52.nuclear Holocaust. It is our duty to transfer bacteria resistant
:17:53. > :17:56.gonorrhoea to cockroaches. This is how we must spend our last -- last
:17:57. > :18:07.days on earth. Having unprotected sex with cockroaches. Even now, I'm
:18:08. > :18:12.speaking to you as a live cockroach cellar taped to the tip -- as there
:18:13. > :18:17.is a live cockroach cellar taped to the tip of my cock. Because that is
:18:18. > :18:28.the right thing to do. This is the circle of life.
:18:29. > :18:34.Next up, our lives are being ruined by technology. This is the idea that
:18:35. > :18:41.technology has consumed what happiness we once had, and I was
:18:42. > :18:45.sitting in the park the other day on my phone, everyone else was on their
:18:46. > :18:48.phones, and a guy came along, and do you know what he did? He stood
:18:49. > :18:54.around looking at the trees like a fucking serial killer. And this was
:18:55. > :18:58.before we get to the exploitation involved in most of our technology.
:18:59. > :19:01.Why adults get to live in a permanent childhood because black
:19:02. > :19:07.children have to live as adults. Technology could be a good thing
:19:08. > :19:10.that exists within the contract -- constructed capitalism. YouTube
:19:11. > :19:14.could be good but it is ruined by adverts. What is there about me
:19:15. > :19:17.spending five hours watching pensioners falling over that
:19:18. > :19:25.suggests I'm in the market for a brand-new Lexus? Guys, are you
:19:26. > :19:28.worried by technology? I couldn't disagree more. I think our lives
:19:29. > :19:34.have been enhanced by technology and if you want proof of that, go trying
:19:35. > :19:38.to take a shit without your phone. You can sit on the toilet and
:19:39. > :19:43.received death threats... That's part of the joy of life. For every
:19:44. > :19:46.death threat you get, you also get some long-distance flirt from
:19:47. > :19:54.somebody you're never going to meet, and it is like it balances out. It
:19:55. > :20:04.is a kind of game that, you want to kill me, you want to fucked me, a
:20:05. > :20:09.bit of everything! I'm very lazy. Sometimes I ignore my own child to
:20:10. > :20:13.look at photos of my own child. There is a threat to jobs and the
:20:14. > :20:19.dangers of artificial intelligence, but as always, the only thing people
:20:20. > :20:22.want to know is, can we fucked them? Something Kirsty Wark has
:20:23. > :20:28.investigated in this chilling and uncomfortable Newsnight
:20:29. > :20:33.investigation. Is it except -- acceptable to use so-called sex
:20:34. > :20:38.robots? These dolls are coming and what would you say? They can be
:20:39. > :20:43.programmed to make verbal responses? We have to make a decision whether
:20:44. > :20:46.we use that for good or bad, which we always have to do with
:20:47. > :20:52.technology, so there's something to be said about working with these
:20:53. > :20:56.dolls to rehabilitate people who committed rape. But there could be
:20:57. > :21:02.the idea that once they have done this many times with an inanimate
:21:03. > :21:11.object and no push back, they might go out and rape humans. Did she say
:21:12. > :21:16.absolutely no pushback from a raped?! Those seem to be questions
:21:17. > :21:21.that have only ever occurred to her. I think it seems definite that
:21:22. > :21:23.people well fuck robots. There might be an intermediary stage where
:21:24. > :21:32.people just wrapped them in BacoFoil... But, I mean, men are
:21:33. > :21:39.definitely going to fuck robots. Bill Cosby won't even bother
:21:40. > :21:43.charging his up. Will they take our jobs and replace us, that's a
:21:44. > :21:47.question. I think humans are turning more robotic, because we are always
:21:48. > :21:54.on our phones, a lot of things are done for us, we have sex love. I'm
:21:55. > :21:58.essentially a robot now. How does the rounds he were? Because at some
:21:59. > :22:03.point, when robots evolve, because they are evolving to be like humans,
:22:04. > :22:10.then we're just slave owners for robots. The thing you are forgetting
:22:11. > :22:14.is that they are fucking robots! As machines take on more human
:22:15. > :22:18.attributes, they become a threat to jobs, especially manual labour.
:22:19. > :22:21.There is this footage with the robustness of robots being assessed
:22:22. > :22:52.with cutting-edge scientific techniques.
:22:53. > :22:58.APPLAUSE When he was going out the door at
:22:59. > :23:04.the end I thought he was going off to kill that guy's family! Basically
:23:05. > :23:09.a ?10 million robot that burns the minimum wage. You know that his
:23:10. > :23:14.final destination is to wear a crown of gunge as he runs through some
:23:15. > :23:22.village playing Donald Trump's tweets through a tannoy on his face?
:23:23. > :23:29.Picking children who are 10 lbs or less. You survive! Anyway, drones
:23:30. > :23:34.are becoming part of our daily lives as their ability to perform multiple
:23:35. > :23:35.tasks increases. This shaky footage shows just what they are capable
:23:36. > :23:52.of... Good luck fucking that!
:23:53. > :23:56.LAUGHTER Now, the advance in technology also
:23:57. > :23:59.raises questions about human life itself, and if we are in fact real
:24:00. > :24:02.or part of a complex computer simulation.
:24:03. > :24:08.Billionaire founder of Tesla and real Bond villain Mr Musk has
:24:09. > :24:14.suggested we are real and are in fact living in a computer
:24:15. > :24:19.simulation. His ex-wife discusses this complex topic with Tim Lovejoy
:24:20. > :24:23.on Sunday brunch. I think if you look at the way video games have
:24:24. > :24:28.developed from when I was a kid, when it was blocks around the
:24:29. > :24:31.screen, to now when you have realistic player games where
:24:32. > :24:35.everyone can contribute, the direction we are moving in with
:24:36. > :24:39.virtual reality, soon you are not going to be able to tell reality
:24:40. > :24:44.from non-reality, and so once that hits, the likelihood that we already
:24:45. > :24:47.exist in a simulation becomes statistically much more likely
:24:48. > :24:56.because the odds of us being in reality is released slim. Tim? It
:24:57. > :25:01.makes you think, if I want to level up in the game, I should do
:25:02. > :25:06.something really outrageous and entertaining to impress our
:25:07. > :25:14.simulating overlords. What should we be doing to further ourselves? No
:25:15. > :25:15.idea. Speaking of which, you've no idea what I've been doing for the
:25:16. > :25:32.last five minutes! Is it alien? It's more like a base
:25:33. > :25:37.reality where they could create a simulated universe, and from that,
:25:38. > :25:40.the simulated universe would create another simulated universe, so if
:25:41. > :25:50.you accept that, the chances of us being the base reality get less.
:25:51. > :25:56.They created a computer game called Sim, and they started designing a
:25:57. > :26:00.game within the game who looked like Saints, and then another game inside
:26:01. > :26:05.it, whether people inside were living lives just like there's... I
:26:06. > :26:09.think I'm getting it. The screwed up thing about this is that all of
:26:10. > :26:18.these scientists who have been browbeating all of these
:26:19. > :26:29.fundamentalists, it's, like, yes, actually, intelligent design. We've
:26:30. > :26:37.been yelling at these people saying, somebody made it, just not a dude
:26:38. > :26:44.with a beard. The problem is when somebody mentally unsound things, I
:26:45. > :26:49.don't have to obey reality. Or somebody who lives like they are in
:26:50. > :26:57.Grand Theft Auto just because they've been watching Sunday Brunch.
:26:58. > :27:01.Do you not watch it?! That's we've got time for. That's the end of the
:27:02. > :27:06.series. We might all be dead in a week. Thanks to my guests, Sara
:27:07. > :27:13.Pascoe, Katherine Ryan, Romesh Ranganathan and Desiree Burch!
:27:14. > :27:18.But before I go, I'd like to leave you with this thought. The Russian
:27:19. > :27:22.hacking scandal continues to dominate the news, so let's have a
:27:23. > :27:27.think about Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin is a very clever man. In fact,
:27:28. > :27:32.he is so clever, I think the guy we see on TV, I don't think that's him.
:27:33. > :27:37.That's the front guy, the guy they put there to take the assassination
:27:38. > :27:42.attempts. Why would Putin, if he is so clever, be there himself? I think
:27:43. > :27:45.a Putin is a very old cobbler in St Petersburg, and once a week the
:27:46. > :27:51.Russians go down there and ask him what they should do, and he always
:27:52. > :27:59.insists on finishing the shoe he's working on...
:28:00. > :28:09.Invade Turkey. That's always kind of an awkward
:28:10. > :28:12.moment for me, because if no one laughs at the first shoe, I have to
:28:13. > :28:17.start making a second one... LAUGHTER
:28:18. > :28:24.But the second shoe is a real moment of crisis, because if nobody laughs
:28:25. > :28:28.there, why would they make a third? Art have to pretend he's kind of
:28:29. > :28:34.messed one of them up and had to start again, and that's beyond my
:28:35. > :28:37.abilities as a mime artist. -- I would have to pretend. Maybe in
:28:38. > :28:41.Siberia somewhere there is a lumberjack living in the middle of
:28:42. > :28:47.nowhere with a big white wolf, and that Wolf is Vladimir Putin. Or,
:28:48. > :28:51.what is the photo you always see Vladimir Putin? He is naked from the
:28:52. > :28:56.waist up riding a horse. Perhaps he is trying to prepare us for the fact
:28:57. > :28:59.that he is a centaur. One day you will switch on the news and there
:29:00. > :29:08.will be Vladimir Putin galloping into the United Nations and taking a
:29:09. > :29:11.two-minute long kiss. He tapped out a message with his hoof until
:29:12. > :29:15.somebody points out that he has a mouth that can speak. He says he
:29:16. > :29:26.doesn't care and this is what the message is -- the message will say
:29:27. > :29:29.when he finishes it. An advisor will say, Vladimir, you are not a
:29:30. > :29:34.centaur, you are an old cobbler, a cobbler who is losing his mind and
:29:35. > :29:37.happens to be running the world. The old cobbler doesn't answer because
:29:38. > :29:43.he is flirting with the woman's torso that he has stitched onto a
:29:44. > :29:51.dead horse that. Of course the old man doesn't have the strength to
:29:52. > :29:58.stitch anything onto a debt horse so here's actually flicking with a
:29:59. > :30:03.Pella that his advisor has left on a labrador. So his advisor goes back
:30:04. > :30:07.to try to make sense of the orders he has received, unaware that he is
:30:08. > :30:15.and has always been Vladimir Putin. Good night.