0:00:00 > 0:00:04Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr Frankie Boyle!
0:00:04 > 0:00:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Hello and welcome to the Referendum Autopsy.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23After months of campaigning and conflict,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26we finally know the answer to whether Scotland wants to be
0:00:26 > 0:00:28a free and independent country
0:00:28 > 0:00:30and that answer is no.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Now, a polarising referendum is a tricky thing to cover,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37but at least the BBC are proving they're open to full and frank
0:00:37 > 0:00:40debate by showing this programme after the election
0:00:40 > 0:00:41on iPlayer only.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Not that the BBC is incapable of presenting Scotland accurately.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Doctor Who is Scottish and it's difficult to think of a more
0:00:51 > 0:00:55archetypal Scottish character - an old man armed with a screwdriver,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57dragging young women into a phone box.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02"They call me The Doctor!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"I'm taking you back to the 1970s."
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I think that what Scotland needs to do now
0:01:10 > 0:01:11is put England on the back foot,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14do something that the English won't expect
0:01:14 > 0:01:19and the last thing they expect is for us to become an Islamic caliphate.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23IS - Independent Scotland.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Of course, we need to learn how to treat women slightly better,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28but we can change.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32If you feel offended by anything in the show, feel free to
0:01:32 > 0:01:36tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a 10-year-old in China.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39David Cameron kicked things off
0:01:39 > 0:01:43by saying Scotland's "silent majority" must step forward.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I've never met a silent Scottish person in my life.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49In fact, the only time I've ever seen a Scottish guy go silent is
0:01:49 > 0:01:52when he's just been told the price of a pint by a London barman.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I think if we'd currency,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57it should have been called "legal tender, you prick".
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Quite a few bizarre celebrities got involved -
0:02:04 > 0:02:07June Sarpong spoke up for the No campaign,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10because I often ask myself what would June Sarpong do...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14..in any political quandary?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18June Sarpong is the name that people at Google type in
0:02:18 > 0:02:19to check if it's working.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24On the day of the vote, Andy Murray came out in favour of Yes.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Andy Murray is worth £100 million.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29If I was worth £100 million,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I would never play tennis again.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I'd turn up to my next match dressed as a pirate,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37roll my cock out on the baseline
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and make Hawkeye take a picture.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46At least Scotland can now get back to doing what it does best -
0:02:46 > 0:02:48if only we could work out what that is.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51All we know is, it's not football or parenting.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Say what you like about Alex Salmond,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59he showed us all what an independent future might look like.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03And also, what a frog's come face might look like.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Now, you're probably wondering what the show will be like.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Well, I'll be speaking about the referendum
0:03:10 > 0:03:11with some guests for some of it,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13then I'll say some things that I believe in,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16people will come on to disagree, we'll kick it around a bit
0:03:16 > 0:03:20and eventually, the audience will vote on whether I'm right or wrong.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Before you know it, the show will be over. Ten years will go by.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You'll get married, have kids. The kids will grow up and leave.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31You'll be happy. But will any of it be real?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34How do you know that any of it is really happening?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37One night, you'll plunge your hand into a fire,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41just so you can feel something and draw back a black and burning stump.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44As you die, screaming on your own kitchen floor,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46you'll look into the eyes of God,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49who will scream obscenities at you in Arabic.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56God will crumple you up and throw you into an eternal,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58fiery hell as you or I would throw
0:03:58 > 0:04:02a wanked-on sock into a neighbour's garden.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06But that's all for later! For now, let's get on with the show!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Now, because many people consider me a cunt,
0:04:15 > 0:04:16the BBC...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18APPLAUSE
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Don't clap!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22WHOOPING
0:04:24 > 0:04:28The BBC have decided that I can't be trusted on my own
0:04:28 > 0:04:31and have insisted that I'm joined by a couple of guests
0:04:31 > 0:04:32to make sure I don't go too far.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Arguing against me tonight,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37please welcome Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Hello.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Hi.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Welcome, thanks for coming. Have you been following the referendum?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Yes.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Enjoy it? - It was entertaining.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I know it wasn't just for entertainment purposes...
0:05:02 > 0:05:03It was quite serious.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I suppose if it's not your life being ruined...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09..there were quite a few laughs to be had!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I would have been really sad if Scotland had gone, but if I was
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Scottish, that wouldn't necessarily have been the way I'd have voted.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18But would you have been quite sad sort of in the way that if people
0:05:18 > 0:05:21had told you they weren't making Starburst any more?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Are they not making Starburst any more?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25No, they're still making Starburst.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27You brought me here to tell me that?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29What a weird way to break it to you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31What happened in the Quebec referendum?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33A similar thing, wasn't it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It looked like the Yes campaign took a lead
0:05:35 > 0:05:36and then it all just fizzled out.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, Canadians went about it in a very different way.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The Yes vote was far ahead and we had a PM at the time,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Jean Chretien. Nobody liked him,
0:05:44 > 0:05:48he was as unpopular in Quebec as David Cameron is in Glasgow.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51We didn't send politicians to Quebec.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53We lowered air fares - well, it wasn't me -
0:05:53 > 0:05:55someone lowered air fares
0:05:55 > 0:05:59and Canadians themselves did this pilgrimage
0:05:59 > 0:06:02right before the referendum and the people really said,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"We appreciate your Francophone culture and we want you to stay."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It was more of a...
0:06:07 > 0:06:08thing of the people. They did stay.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Has anyone ever made a film of that?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Cos if they cast that with dogs, it would be amazing.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15You know, like sometimes they have those adventure films?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Yeah. - Where dogs travel over mountains?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It would be like that, but with also politics.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I think most films would be better with dogs.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Yes. I agree. - Anyway. Er...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32We asked you, in a sort of spirit of show and tell,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35to bring in your favourite moment from the referendum.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- What did you choose, Sara? - I picked an amazing YouTube clip...
0:06:39 > 0:06:43I would title it "the most persistent heckler in the world".
0:06:43 > 0:06:46This is about five days before the vote.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It's all the Labour MPs arriving in Glasgow with their luggage.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Can we watch it? - Yes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Yep.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Our imperial masters have arrived!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Welcome, our imperial masters!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Welcome to Scotland!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07This is your imperial masters.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11The Labour Party have come so you can bow down before them.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15SINGS EMPIRE STRIKES BACK THEME TUNE
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Bow down, everybody!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:27What I love about it...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I keep watching it, it's had about 500,000 views, most of them me,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33but what I really love is the idea that he probably does this
0:07:33 > 0:07:36every day, just around the street,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and he just turned a corner and the timing was perfect and suddenly...
0:07:39 > 0:07:42he stopped being a lunatic and became this amazing satirist!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Normally, he's just following his ex-girlfriend
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and creating some real social problems.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53That would have been a nightmare train to be on, that Labour train.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57That would have been the busiest first-class to Scotland ever.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Normally, it's just me and Duncan Bannatyne.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Katherine, did you bring anything in?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Yes. I really enjoyed Alex Salmond
0:08:06 > 0:08:10and there were some interesting press shots taken of this gentleman
0:08:10 > 0:08:13throughout the campaign. I think we should take a look at some of them.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14OK.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I'm not sure what tree that is - I THINK it's a yew tree...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25He's quite unselfconscious.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27David Cameron wouldn't give you a bite of his Solero.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Well, if he did, he wouldn't have his jacket just slung
0:08:31 > 0:08:33over his shoulder in a jaunty pose.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I don't think anyone would.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Next, here is Alex Salmond embracing.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You know, he's a man of the ladies.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It's a firm grasp he's got on her, as well.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47She might fertilise his fish eggs.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Don't worry, I'd say that
0:08:50 > 0:08:53if David Cameron looks like the kind of man who'd strangle women,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Alex Salmond looks like the guy he'd hire to bury them after.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Next one?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06That's made my cock retreat so far into my body,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I need to tie a string around it and pull it out like a wobbly tooth.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Now, it's not just Katherine
0:09:17 > 0:09:19and Sara I have to argue with tonight - I have an entire room
0:09:19 > 0:09:23full of people to bitterly disagree with - my studio audience.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26APPLAUSE
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Tonight, they have all the power, as at the end of each debate,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35they'll be deciding whether I'm right or wrong in a formatting decision
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I may well end up regretting. On with the show.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Tonight, I'll be making three propositions.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43First up - the No campaign relied heavily on the use of fear
0:09:43 > 0:09:47to convince people to vote No, which brings me to this proposition.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51The mainstream media are a bunch of lying bastards.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53APPLAUSE
0:09:58 > 0:10:00The scare stories seem to have worked.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04The No campaign managed to make people afraid of uncertainty,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06an incredible achievement in Scotland
0:10:06 > 0:10:09when you're dealing with people who wake up every second Saturday
0:10:09 > 0:10:13uncertain of where they are and their HIV status.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16But the basic proposition here is this -
0:10:16 > 0:10:19the press and the big TV channels threw everything at this,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23abandoned any pretence of impartiality and it worked.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Much of the campaign focused on negativity and fear.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Do you think I'm being unfair to the media?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I think lying is a very strong word in terms of the media.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I think sometimes we can be a bit adolescent
0:10:34 > 0:10:36in our approach to things, guys.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39The media itself, by calling it one thing, it's like saying, "the man".
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Trying to fight something that's cohesive - well, it's not.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45It's lots of individuals who have different agendas.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I don't think there are people who sit down and intentionally...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I think people try to entertain and sell papers,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54but I don't think they intentionally go, "I'm going to mislead people."
0:10:54 > 0:10:56If you asked journalists, they would say it'd be unethical
0:10:56 > 0:10:58if we didn't warn people of the effects of what could happen.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00They don't want to make it easy for you. The media.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03It's like a puzzle - they'll give you little clues
0:11:03 > 0:11:05and you've got to do some of the work.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Like when they say, "Emma Watson - hot ass, nude photos", what they're
0:11:09 > 0:11:13really saying is, "Oh, she's giving a UN speech about gender equality."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Then they say, "Oh, girl goes missing!"
0:11:16 > 0:11:20What they're really saying is, "White girl goes missing."
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Yeah. Well, some people saw the media's true priorities
0:11:24 > 0:11:28when channels like Sky News, that had led with a story about someone
0:11:28 > 0:11:32getting hit with an egg, laughed off a near riot in George Square.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Mark White is in George Square in Glasgow
0:11:35 > 0:11:37where a pro-union crowd has gathered
0:11:37 > 0:11:42and let's say there's been a little ballot box leftovers going on there,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45which the police are having to handle. Tell us more, Mark.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Yes, for the most part, it's been fairly good humoured.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53It's certainly been boisterous and there's been a lot of singing
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- and chanting... - Fuck her in the pussy!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59And as you can hear...
0:11:59 > 0:12:02there are still one or two people in fine voice...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Well, there you go. Anyway...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12There you go. That's his...
0:12:12 > 0:12:13His face said, occasionally,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16people will scream "fuck her in the pussy" in your ear.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22That guy didn't even get off his phone. "No, not you, Dad. Not you."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Of course, a big factor in the campaign
0:12:26 > 0:12:27was the use of social media.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30The Yes campaign dominated Twitter, but the problem is there's
0:12:30 > 0:12:34so much noise on there, it's hard to take anything constructive out of it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37No matter what you say about the referendum, you'll get abuse.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38You couldn't say anything.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41That's how you can tell how sensitive and important an issue it is,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45by how many times someone calls you a fat lesbian whore.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Yeah, I got a few of those.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52It shows you how mainstream these people are, as well,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55because JK Rowling was a massive voice.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56"Oh, JK Rowling thinks this."
0:12:56 > 0:12:59It's almost as if being a billionaire
0:12:59 > 0:13:04and feeling that the status quo is pretty good go hand-in-hand.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"I see you're all eating from food banks - well, personally
0:13:07 > 0:13:11"I'm sitting on top of a mountain of children's pocket money...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"..like a dragon in a fucking fairy story...
0:13:15 > 0:13:18"..and everything looks fine from up here.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20"Maybe you could teach your children to quack in the street
0:13:20 > 0:13:24"on the off-chance that blind people will throw them bread?"
0:13:27 > 0:13:30The press in particular embraced the use of fear
0:13:30 > 0:13:33to scare Scots into voting No. During the campaign,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36the papers featured some fairly sensational headlines.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Let's have a look.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Banks will leave Scotland if the independence vote is Yes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44This is the Royal Bank of Scotland who were bailed out to the tune of
0:13:44 > 0:13:50billions of pounds and still chain disposable pens to the fucking desk.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51They aren't even really a bank,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55because a bank is something that keeps money. They're not a bank!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59My kid got a tenner from his granny at Christmas. He's still got it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02He's a better bank than the Royal Bank of Scotland.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Statistically, my couch is a better bank.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Scottish face losing multimillion pound artworks...
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Send those back to England.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"Did this Turner originally have a giant Tipp-Ex cock on it?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:16"Yes."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:23And why independence could put Scotland
0:14:23 > 0:14:25in danger of Russian invasion.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27From Business Insider!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Not even a totally mad newspaper, but a proper magazine!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It does make you worry they do know something!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I wonder what the game of Risk must be like in Russia?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"Yes, get Scotland, that's vital.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"Once you get Scotland, then you can get Greenland,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"then you control the world's ice supply.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"You control the penguins, you control everything!"
0:14:50 > 0:14:54It's so obvious these headlines are made up and created to scare us -
0:14:54 > 0:14:56why do we let newspapers get away with it?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59To discuss that, please welcome the former editor of The Scotsman
0:14:59 > 0:15:01and current professor of journalism
0:15:01 > 0:15:02at the University of Kent, Tim Luckhurst.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Thanks for coming on, Tim.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Do you think there were scare stories, or...bias?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Newspapers are supposed to be biased, Frankie, that's what they're for.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Newspapers express opinions.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28If you want straight facts, you get them from broadcasters.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32In this country, we have a simple separation between newspapers,
0:15:32 > 0:15:36which are partisan, angry, political and they support a political stance.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39They have readers who know they support that stance.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Then we have broadcasters,
0:15:40 > 0:15:44that are there to tell a straight, objective, impartial story.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I think the referendum reflected that perfectly.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49The newspapers were angry and they were biased
0:15:49 > 0:15:51and they were polemical and the broadcasters told the truth.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- We're very lucky, we get both. - OK.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Well, we had in Scotland 45% of people voting Yes and they had
0:15:56 > 0:15:59one paper that represented them, which was the Sunday Herald,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02which isn't even owned by a Scottish company.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04So the majority of the Scottish media didn't represent
0:16:04 > 0:16:0745% of the population, would be an obvious point.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Actually, your argument is wrong.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Yes, the Sunday Herald was pro independence,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15but the Guardian, which is widely influential
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and more read by broadcasters,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20more likely to set the news agenda in Scotland than any other paper,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23sadly even more than The Scotsman, that I used to edit.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26The simple truth is that the Guardian advanced the argument
0:16:26 > 0:16:29that independence was the progressive solution for Scotland.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32What I'd say to you, Tim, if you're saying I'm wrong,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36is that the Guardian isn't a Scottish paper and it said to vote No.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37That seems a strange argument to make!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Its final leader said to vote No, but its correspondents
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and columnists made a very passionate argument.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45It allowed some columnists to say yes.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47It didn't allow them, it encouraged them to.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49The media isn't all one thing, admittedly.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It's not all one thing and they all have slightly different agendas,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53but overall, it's a very similar agenda.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56There's another point here, and it's crucially important.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Throughout this campaign in which you're complaining that biased
0:16:59 > 0:17:03newspapers persuaded Scots not to vote for independence, actually,
0:17:03 > 0:17:08support for independence grew and I think that's for a crucial reason.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12It's because newspapers don't create public opinion, they follow it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15These newspapers in Scotland supported No
0:17:15 > 0:17:18because they thought the majority of the population supported No.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20If you want to see examples...
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Tim, 45% of them didn't support No and weren't reflected in any way.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26They got the Sunday Herald, that was all they got.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28They got a lot of online campaigning...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31We know there's online, people can be different.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33The reason online campaigning is different is
0:17:33 > 0:17:35because it's not owned by different...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Rupert Murdoch, Trinity Mirror, it's owned by the people
0:17:38 > 0:17:41themselves on Twitter sites and Facebook sites or whatever.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43It's a question of plurality, isn't it?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Well, we have plurality of the media in this country.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50We have laws which require there to be plurality of mainstream
0:17:50 > 0:17:53newspaper ownership and broadcast ownership. I repeat...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56They're not very good laws, because Rupert Murdoch owns half of it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- He doesn't own half of it! - He owns far too much of it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's an absolute nonsense to suggest that they are all
0:18:01 > 0:18:04owned by a few big, expensive external foreign owners.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07You're trying to suggest I'm giving some kind of outrageous,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11left-field opinion. You know it's a perfectly mainstream opinion.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And you should know headlines are like punch lines.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15They're meant to entertain.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19I've got one more headline from the campaign we showed to you.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Can we just have a wee look at it
0:18:20 > 0:18:23and ask ourselves how they reached this shocking conclusion?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I was going to say not from a crazy newspaper,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30but it is from the Scottish Daily Mail.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Do you want me to explain it to you?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33I know what the headline is.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36The headline is actually about cyber-attacks on Scotland,
0:18:36 > 0:18:41which are as unlikely as alien invasion, I would have argued.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44No, cyber-attacks on the security infrastructure of the United Kingdom
0:18:44 > 0:18:46happen all the time, many of them
0:18:46 > 0:18:49run by the People's Republic of China.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50FRANKIE LAUGHS
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Yeah, I can see why China would want
0:18:52 > 0:18:55to take down an independent Scotland's computer network.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- No, that wasn't the point... - "What's the password?"
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"Englisharecunts1". "There we go! Got it!"
0:19:01 > 0:19:04APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You'd be a great headline writer.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You'd be a brilliant headline writer.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09HE LAUGHS
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Because you understand the point.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13The headline's to make you read the rest of the story.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16As an expert in brilliant sensation, you ought to understand
0:19:16 > 0:19:19the value of a decent headline, and I'm not going to explain
0:19:19 > 0:19:22the value of a headline to a man who writes such great punch lines,
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I'm really not.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Tim... OK, you're on shaky ground there.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Tim, thanks for joining us and giving us the journalist's point of view.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Thank you, Tim. - Pleasure.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I'm in no way convinced that the papers are to be trusted,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46but it's down to my studio audience to see if they agree with me or not.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I don't want to influence the vote, but the death rate
0:19:48 > 0:19:51among studio audiences who disagree with me is surprisingly high.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54If you agree with me that the mainstream press
0:19:54 > 0:19:55can't be trusted, it's green.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59If you think you can believe them, it's red. Please vote now.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08It is quite clearly about as green as could be. So there we have it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Our audience realise I'm right
0:20:10 > 0:20:12and the mainstream media are lying bastards.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Now, one of the most remarkable aspects of the Scottish referendum
0:20:20 > 0:20:24was the way that young people engaged with the debate about their future,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27and the fact that for the first time, the voting age was lowered to 16.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Well, my next proposition is this:
0:20:29 > 0:20:32As soon as you can make a mark with a crayon,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34you know as much as the average voter,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38so the voting age should be lowered to two.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42And a lot of people think that that's a ridiculous suggestion,
0:20:42 > 0:20:45because a lot of Scottish two-year-olds are too drunk to vote.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46But...
0:20:46 > 0:20:50By the time you've reached my age in life, you're honestly spent,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52your life force is spent.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I am 42 and I now ejaculate
0:20:54 > 0:20:58with all the force of Mary Berry's icing piper.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Let young people have a go at it. It'll work out. What do you think?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I think you're being very silly.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09HE LAUGHS
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- You talk to me like a two-year-old! - Yes. Because this is the thing.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15So, you know in terms of the development of consciousness?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19So they say the difference between an animal, a mammal,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23and a human baby is that if an 18-month-old baby is in a room
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and you roll a ball in, they look to where the ball is going.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28This is what pets do, cats and dogs.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31But at about two years old, the baby starts to look for
0:21:31 > 0:21:35where the ball came from. So why aren't we letting cats vote?
0:21:35 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I think... I think that's not the worst idea, right?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41They've got a very different agenda.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Statistically, cats are going to break into 50-50.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Right? Also, two-year-olds will probably be 50-50.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Then when kids are sort of seven to 12,
0:21:50 > 0:21:51they'll do what their parents tell them.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54When kids are 12 to 18, they'll do the opposite
0:21:54 > 0:21:57of what their parents tell them, and that will break down 50-50.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Statistically, we might as well have everything vote -
0:21:59 > 0:22:01hawks...
0:22:01 > 0:22:02deer...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04But if it's all 50-50, then why have a vote?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Why not?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Just get rid of elections. Have a dictator.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Can you think how much fun it would be making a hawk vote?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17We've got two million unemployed in Britain, and how many hawks?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18You want them to eat the unemployed?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20No, no, no!
0:22:20 > 0:22:21What if...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24The unemployed will work on hawk voting systems.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Oh, OK. LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:29If we were to lower the voting age to two, it would mean
0:22:29 > 0:22:32politicians would have to bond with voters at an even younger age,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36which means we could end up with more terrible moments like this,
0:22:36 > 0:22:37from Michael Gove.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You've recently said that you quite like rap music.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44So I was wondering, could you give us a taster of your favourite rap?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Oh...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Well I've got so many, but the first rap I probably heard
0:22:49 > 0:22:52when I was younger was actually quite a vanilla rap, which was
0:22:52 > 0:22:54the Wham Rap, you know, with Andrew Ridgeley and George Michael?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56(RAPS) Hey, everybody, take a look at me
0:22:56 > 0:22:57I've got street credibility
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I may not have a job, but I have a good time
0:22:59 > 0:23:01with the boys I meet down on the line.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Erm...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:07THEY GROAN
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I think the weird thing there is that he'll have asked her to ask him that.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12That will be set up.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It's like the sort of thing I'd do to my mum as a kid.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"Ask me to do a rap!" "No." "Ask me to do a rap!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:18And then I'd have done the Wham Rap,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21completely unaware of its homosexual subtext.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Can politicians ever be cool, or ever just not quite painful?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I think Tony Benn was really cool.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- He was cool, wasn't he? - Yeah.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34We had a politician in Toronto on a different level of cool,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36that smoked crack.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Similar, but different. - Oh, those guys smoke crack.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Do you know, smoking crack is one of the least offensive things
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Rob Ford has ever done.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Hates gays, hates women, hates immigrants.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50A general asshole.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Does he chill out when he's high, though?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56No, it hypes him up! And he goes out on drug runs. But he's so large.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00How can you be that fat on crack? He's terrible at doing crack.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I think a two-year-old is definitely as capable of critical thought
0:24:06 > 0:24:09as this group of eloquent Rangers fans.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Can I ask you, sir?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13# You can stick your independence up your arse
0:24:13 > 0:24:17# You can stick your independence up your arse
0:24:17 > 0:24:19# You can stick your independence
0:24:19 > 0:24:21# Stick your independence
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# Stick your independence up your arse. #
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Rule Britannia, ya fucking bastards!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Rule fucking Britannia!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- We rule the fucking waves! - Calm down.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Hey... - # We are the people... #
0:24:35 > 0:24:36It'll happen anyway.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38# We are the people... #
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That version of Rule Britannia is why
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Last Night of the Proms never comes from Scotland.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:46 > 0:24:51"And now, with a performance of Rule Britannia, Ya Fucking Bastards..."
0:24:51 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55There was a lot of support for No, actually,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57on both sides of the Old Firm divide,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59because the SNP brought in an anti-sectarian law,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03so there's people going, "They took away our right to mutual hatred!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:05"Stand with me, brother!"
0:25:07 > 0:25:09They actually bonded over that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Now, we're here discussing
0:25:12 > 0:25:14whether kids should be allowed to vote or not,
0:25:14 > 0:25:15so why don't we meet one?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Please welcome an eight-year-old and wee guy, Leon.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20APPLAUSE
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Take them off, now, Leon.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35- How are you doing, man? - Fine.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39You're eight? You're an eight-year-old Scottish boy.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What did you think of the referendum?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44What would you say happened last week, in your own words?
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Well...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49There was a lot of fighting.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Did you get involved in any of it?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Nah. -It's no good, is it?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58So, the Yes vote lost. People decided to stay part of Britain.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Were you happy about that?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02No? Awww!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- That's heartbreaking. - This is the saddest I've been.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Were you always Yes, or did you start at No, or...?
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Well, I started No, and then I changed to Yes.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Cool. What made you change your mind?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Well, when I heard you were Yes.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Did you find the referendum more or less boring than school?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Less boring than school.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's less boring than school, isn't it? Everything is.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Do you get punished at school? Are you a bad kid or a good kid?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Bad.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:41That's why you cared about my opinion! Do you know what I mean?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You have this thing as a dad, right, because I've got kids,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46where you're supposed to stay positive with your kids
0:26:46 > 0:26:48when you tell them off, don't be too negative, you know,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51try and keep it light. But sometimes, I'm just standing there thinking,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"I don't see anything positive about this.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"You have done a poo on my carpet...
0:26:58 > 0:27:02"..and I am struggling to find an upside."
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Do you know how I punish my son?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I tuck his bedclothes in really tight and hope that he has a nightmare
0:27:07 > 0:27:09where he's trapped in a giant's pocket.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Why do your parents do if you're bad, then?
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Eh...
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Pull my ear.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Pull your ear?!
0:27:18 > 0:27:19What?!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Stay here, Leon, you're going home with me!
0:27:24 > 0:27:27What are you into, what kind of stuff do you like?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28- Football. - Football? Who do you support?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Arsenal. - Arsenal?!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:36That's just how we've been colonised!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Do you have a Scottish team, a wee team?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Celtic. - Celtic(!)
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Celtic's his wee team.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You've effectively managed to insult everybody in Glasgow.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And what do you think the future holds for us?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Do you think it'll be good, do you think it'll be bad...?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Hmmm...
0:27:54 > 0:27:55In the middle, probably.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Yeah, it probably will be in the middle.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01What's your favourite thing about being Scottish?
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Em...
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Shortbread. - Shortbread?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Leon.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Cheers.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18CHEERING
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Audience, you've heard the arguments.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25It's time for you to decide if I'm right or wrong.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27It's green for yes, and red for no.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Should a two-year-old be given the right to vote?
0:28:33 > 0:28:36So that is a no. A very firm no.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39By a bunch of childless bastards!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Now, it's time to talk to the audience.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46I hate talking to people that I don't know
0:28:46 > 0:28:49almost as much as I hate talking to people that I do know.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51To me, there's no such thing as a stranger,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53just a prick I haven't met yet.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Before the show, we asked everyone in our audience to fill out
0:28:56 > 0:29:00a questionnaire to learn more about their opinions on the referendum,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Scotland, what makes them tick, all that stuff.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Where's Marie Hamill?
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- How are you doing, Marie? - I'm OK, how are you?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I'm very good, actually.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10But I'm kind of busy working here.
0:29:10 > 0:29:11All right, I'll...
0:29:11 > 0:29:15We asked you which celebrity would make the best Prime Minister,
0:29:15 > 0:29:17and you said Stephen Fry.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Yeah, I know it's a bit cliche,
0:29:19 > 0:29:23but he just seems really well informed, and quite balanced as well.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Plus, he'd do a lot for the gay community.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27He doesn't seem well balanced. He's bipolar.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29LAUGHTER
0:29:29 > 0:29:30When he's on his meds.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31APPLAUSE
0:29:32 > 0:29:34But that's...
0:29:34 > 0:29:36You would have a depressed Prime Minister
0:29:36 > 0:29:38on a ferry to Belgium with the nuclear codes.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43You said the worst thing about being Scottish
0:29:43 > 0:29:45was that we're overly hospitable.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46Fuck off.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52A pleasure to meet you. Where is Gordon Houston?
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Gordon, how are you doing, mate?
0:29:55 > 0:29:56- Hello. - You all right?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58We asked you which celebrity
0:29:58 > 0:30:01would you like to be stranded on a desert island with.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03- You did. - I did?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05- You did ask me that. - Yes, OK.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11Have you heard of rhetorical questions, Gordon?
0:30:11 > 0:30:12Don't answer that!
0:30:13 > 0:30:18You said you'd like to be stranded on a desert island with the Dalai Lama.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22He is the last person I would want to fuck, but you...
0:30:22 > 0:30:23What were you thinking there?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Did you think that if you killed him often enough
0:30:25 > 0:30:27he might come back as a roast dinner, or...?
0:30:27 > 0:30:28I think it was more a Tantric thing,
0:30:28 > 0:30:30- maybe, going on. - FRANKIE: Tantric?
0:30:30 > 0:30:32SARA: Yeah, I heard he can last!
0:30:32 > 0:30:33FRANKIE LAUGHS
0:30:33 > 0:30:36What, are you genuinely gay for the Dalai Lama?
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Well, you get all sorts in Scotland, don't you?
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Once you float down to iPlayer,
0:30:42 > 0:30:43you really start to meet people, don't you?
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Thank you, Gordon.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48APPLAUSE
0:30:48 > 0:30:53We also have tattooist Andrew Burns. Andrew, where are you?
0:30:53 > 0:30:55How are you doing, Andrew? I knew it was you from your tattoos.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57- Yeah, could you tell? - Yeah, I'm faking it.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- How are you doing, man? - All right.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02I hear you offered a special offer on Yes tattoos.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07Yeah, I offered free Yes tattoos on...for a whole day.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Are you offering free tattoo removal?
0:31:09 > 0:31:12No. We do tattoo removal, but you need to pay for that!
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Yeah, I see how your business works!
0:31:14 > 0:31:17LAUGHTER
0:31:17 > 0:31:22We asked you what do you think is Scotland's greatest achievement.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24And you said...Grand Theft Auto.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26LAUGHTER
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Prostitute murders, robbery, drug dealing.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Where does that Dundee-based games company gets its ideas from?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36LAUGHTER I simply don't know!
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Thank you to my audience!
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Now, it's been a long two years reaching last week's verdict
0:31:48 > 0:31:51and it's been a divisive and emotional campaign,
0:31:51 > 0:31:55but at least we can all agree on something - my next proposition.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58"Scotland and England's relationship
0:31:58 > 0:32:02"is a pitiless abyss of hatred and despair."
0:32:02 > 0:32:06We don't need English culture. Scotland has its own culture.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09England has Glastonbury, we have T In The Park
0:32:09 > 0:32:11where people get glassed and buried all the time.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Ed Miliband threatened to station guards at the border.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18A militarised border!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Newcastle could have become a refugee camp
0:32:21 > 0:32:23for English people trying to escape.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Newcastle would be the first place to become a refugee camp
0:32:26 > 0:32:28and get LESS mental.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31GEORDIE ACCENT: Things are a lot more civilised
0:32:31 > 0:32:33now that we're ruled over by a horse militia.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35LAUGHTER
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Do you feel Scottish and English people hate each other?
0:32:38 > 0:32:41I've been very surprised doing gigs because obviously you open...
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Especially the whole kind of week leading up to referendum,
0:32:43 > 0:32:45you open by going, "Oh, so this has been going on in Scotland,"
0:32:45 > 0:32:48and just the four days before the vote,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50English audiences suddenly got really angry.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Suddenly just sort of like, "Well, eff them, then,
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"let them go, see what happens. Yeah, see if I care."
0:32:55 > 0:32:59Their feelings were so hurt because so many people just feel British.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02I think that we have more in common than you think
0:33:02 > 0:33:05because the Scottish hate the English,
0:33:05 > 0:33:06the English hate themselves
0:33:06 > 0:33:09and everybody hates U2.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10LAUGHTER
0:33:10 > 0:33:14If we could just find those things and bond over them...
0:33:14 > 0:33:16I mean, I don't believe...
0:33:16 > 0:33:19I'm Canadian, but I'm a British mum
0:33:19 > 0:33:21and I think it's really important that my daughter grows up
0:33:21 > 0:33:24with Scottish influences, Irish influences,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26you know, Wales to a lesser extent.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29LAUGHTER
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Well, this broken relationship continued
0:33:31 > 0:33:34when the referendum coverage featured the most baffled Englishman
0:33:34 > 0:33:37reporting on a Scotland he couldn't hope to understand.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Channel 4 went for Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- What's it a' aboot? - We'll just be a new country.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46We'll be wir ain country noo, we'll be able to run...
0:33:46 > 0:33:49No, I voted No and he helped me cos he hadnae voted.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51I just wanted tae...
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Yeah, I just want tae be part of the UK.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56We've been like this a' wir time, eh?
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Well, we would miss you if you went.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00What's the big difference between...?
0:34:00 > 0:34:03What is the difference between independence? What is it a' aboot?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05We be wir ain country and be able to run it and that.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07What is independence? What is it?
0:34:07 > 0:34:09- I don't even... - It's being part of the UK.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12There's Wales, Scotland and England...
0:34:12 > 0:34:14What, they're trying to change the money and a'thing?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16And the currency, they'll change the currency.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- So, what will our money change to? - Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22That will have to be decided after...
0:34:22 > 0:34:26Naw, I... So, independence, you dinnae want that to happen?
0:34:26 > 0:34:27Naw, I don't.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:36 > 0:34:39ENGLISH ACCENT: Today I met two of the Scottish natives.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42They were drinking a clear liquid of which I partook.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45The next 48 hours were a blur of bestial imagery
0:34:45 > 0:34:47and invented language.
0:34:47 > 0:34:52I awoke in the doorway of HSBC, wearing somebody else's trousers.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55On my return I shall present my findings to the Royal Society.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Well, like many relationships on the rocks, it was only when one half
0:35:01 > 0:35:04threatened to walk out the door that the other began to take it seriously.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Westminster spent most of the campaign in denial,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09but when things got serious, their reaction was one of panic.
0:35:09 > 0:35:14Here's a cringeworthy attempt by David Cameron to bond with the Scots.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16REPORTER: David Cameron spoke to workers
0:35:16 > 0:35:21in Edinburgh's financial district in a way he's never spoken before.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24I think people can feel it's a bit like a general election,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26that you make a decision and five years later
0:35:26 > 0:35:27you can make another decision.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30If you are fed up with the effing Tories, give them a kick
0:35:30 > 0:35:32and then maybe we'll think again.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35You know, this is totally different to a general election.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37What gets me about that
0:35:37 > 0:35:40is he's clearly workshopped that with the guys at the office.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41"Shall I say effing?"
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"Oh, yeah, that'll get them. Yeah, we'll say effing. Yeah."
0:35:44 > 0:35:47"You all want to give the effing Tories a kicking, I know that.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48"I understand you people.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50"You'd like to give me an effing kicking,
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"tear me a new A, and S in my mouth."
0:35:53 > 0:35:54LAUGHTER
0:35:54 > 0:35:59"You'd like to tear off my B-bag and feed it to an Alsatian.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01"I know. I get it.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04"You'd like to tie some cheese wire round my D,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07"tie it to the back of a taxi and floor it."
0:36:07 > 0:36:09LAUGHTER
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Do you think Cameron came out of it at all well?
0:36:12 > 0:36:14He sort of came out of it better than Miliband.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17In a way maybe it did work because it was an awful speech
0:36:17 > 0:36:19and it's very uncomfortable to see him use language
0:36:19 > 0:36:20that isn't comfortable in his mouth,
0:36:20 > 0:36:24but you did watch it, thinking, "OK, yeah,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26"let's stay unified and get rid of this government together."
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Some people maybe did think that.
0:36:28 > 0:36:29And replace it with what -
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Ed Miliband, the kind of adenoidal manta ray?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36He's like a kind of dog toy.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Now time for the audience to vote. Do you agree with me
0:36:41 > 0:36:43that Scotland and England's relationship
0:36:43 > 0:36:45is a pitiless abyss of hatred and despair?
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Green for yes, red for no.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51SARA: Oh, no!
0:36:51 > 0:36:53It's almost entirely green,
0:36:53 > 0:36:54but then I'm biased. It's...
0:36:54 > 0:36:57FRANKIE LAUGHS It's largely green.
0:36:57 > 0:36:58A yes vote there.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Scottish people agree with me, as do a few English people
0:37:01 > 0:37:04who just didn't understand what the fuck I was saying.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07LAUGHTER
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Well, that's the end of our Referendum Autopsy.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Thanks to my guests, Katherine Ryan and Sara Pascoe.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:27 > 0:37:30But before I go, I want to leave you with this thought,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33a little final thought in the style of Jerry Springer or He-Man.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37I don't know if you're... LAUGHTER
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Of course, the only way we can tell
0:37:39 > 0:37:41if this show has truly been a success or not
0:37:41 > 0:37:45is to wait and see whether I am silenced by the security services.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48That's the only way you know you've really hit the nail on the head
0:37:48 > 0:37:52as a comedian - you are silenced by the security services,
0:37:52 > 0:37:54so if I am found hanged on the back of a hotel door,
0:37:54 > 0:37:56with an orange in my mouth,
0:37:56 > 0:37:59at least you'll know the security services didn't get to me.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01LAUGHTER
0:38:01 > 0:38:05What will happen is that one day I will go out,
0:38:05 > 0:38:08like Robin Cook or Dr David Kelly,
0:38:08 > 0:38:11I'll go to meet a friend for a walk in the countryside,
0:38:11 > 0:38:13but when I get to the top of the hill,
0:38:13 > 0:38:17it won't be my friend waiting for me, it will be a sergeant major,
0:38:17 > 0:38:20formerly of the Special Boat Squadron.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22We will both know that my time is up.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27I'll ask him for a final cigarette and he will bring out two,
0:38:27 > 0:38:29one for me and one for him.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33I'll ask him if I can have a final wank as well.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37He will explain that my DNA would go everywhere and contaminate the scene,
0:38:37 > 0:38:40so he will have brought a roll of lino for me to wank onto.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45I'll be wanking onto the lino
0:38:45 > 0:38:47and I'll ask him to stop looking at me and...
0:38:47 > 0:38:49LAUGHTER
0:38:49 > 0:38:52..he'll tell me that it's OK, he can't see me,
0:38:52 > 0:38:56all he can see is his mate, upside down and burning in a Land Rover.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59That's all he ever sees, even when he closes his eyes.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03He will ask me to hurry up because he has to
0:39:03 > 0:39:05go and silence Russell Brand in a minute.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10In the corner of my eye, I'll see him laying out Paul Ross's corpse
0:39:10 > 0:39:13to make it look like we died in a gay suicide pact.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18I'll look down on the Scottish glen below me
0:39:18 > 0:39:21and briefly imagine that the furious pumping of my fist
0:39:21 > 0:39:24is what powers the turning of the entire world,
0:39:24 > 0:39:27then I'll feel a needle in the back of my neck
0:39:27 > 0:39:30and suddenly I'll be in the bosom of a Buddha who despises me.
0:39:30 > 0:39:34The chances of this show being made into a series are six to one against.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Thanks for coming and good night.