0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Simply amazing, unique and new Every man's waking dream
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# Dazzling, eccentric, recherche Suave, the poetry... #
0:00:13 > 0:00:17I don't want to be in your bloody videos!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Welcome to the French & Saunders show and our wonderful world
0:00:20 > 0:00:22of star-studded showbusiness and entertainment,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25back on the air again due to overwhelming public demand.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- # French and Saunders - Saunders
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Ba-badoo-ee-oo... #
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- ALL:- # French and Saunders
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# Ba-badoo-ee-oo... #
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# French and Saunders! #
0:00:46 > 0:00:48HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Waaah!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04KNOCK AT DOOR Who is it?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06It's me - comedy partner.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Please can I come in? I'm absolutely exhausted.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11WHISPERS: Damn!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I tell you, if I have to think about sex one more time,
0:01:19 > 0:01:20I'm just going to faint.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24KNOCK AT DOOR
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Who is it?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27It's me.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Who's me?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33It's Dawn French, your comedy partner.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Why am I still having to tell you who I am?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Cos I don't know who you are.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42It's been 300 cocking years!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Well, come in, then.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Where are you?- Here. - Oh, there you are.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Praise be.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And I would say, "Blessed be the fruit," but I'm absolutely furious.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Can you please just say "wings"?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Wings.- Thank you.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Praise be.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Right, let me run this by you, OK? How long have you been in here?
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- 300 years.- Right, so that's pre-Gilead days, isn't it?- Yes.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Right, you are not going to believe this.- No, I'm not. I'm not, am I?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- No.- I'm not.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Out there, I am the most fertile woman alive.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49All right?
0:02:49 > 0:02:55And I am 60, and I've got no tubes or eggs, so what's that all about?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I don't know.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- And let me just run this by you, see if you think it's all right.- OK.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05As the Handmaiden, right, I have to be penetrated through my pants
0:03:05 > 0:03:09by my Commander whenever he feels like it
0:03:09 > 0:03:11just so that I can spread his seed.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13That's not right, is it?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Let me show you what they do, right?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Let me show you what they do.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21You, right, are the barren wife.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Oh, thanks. Oh, thanks.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Now everyone knows. You've told everyone now.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Sorry to be so insensitive, but it's true, right?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30And you're cross and haughty, aren't you?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33You're sitting there. Just spread your legs, put them up there.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Don't get funny.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39That ain't happening after 300 years, is it?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Dream on, babe.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45They throw me down on the bed, right?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Hold my hands, like that. Hold my hands. And he's on top of me, right?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50And he's penetrating me through my gusset
0:03:50 > 0:03:53and he's going, "Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!" Like this.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Yeah.- While you are watching.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Yes, cos I want a baby, don't I? I say, "May the Lord open," don't I?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Yes, listen, believe me, I want to give you a baby,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04may the Lord open and deliver a new keeper, praise be,
0:04:04 > 0:04:09but not as a human slave, if that's all right with you.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Well, why don't you just run away before I beat you to oblivion?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13What, run out that door? Do you know what would happen?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I would be stoned to death if I went out there.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- Do you know what happens to me in this?- No, can you not tell me?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Cos I'm going to watch the box set all at once.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Is Nicole Kidman in this one?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Well, no, not YET.- Oh...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30This is the only television she currently ISN'T in, right?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33But, look, I can't hang around here all day
0:04:33 > 0:04:35because there's Eyes all over me.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Eyes. Are you Eyes?- No, no, no.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I'm not convinced.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I have to get on.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45It's a very busy day because all I'm allowed to do
0:04:45 > 0:04:48is look straight ahead and buy loads of oranges.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50That's all I'm allowed to do.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Please say "wings".- Wings.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56That's it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Right.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Good morning, under His Eye.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Under His Eye, good morning.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You can close your legs now.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I think I can see my grandad in there!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Oh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25# And basically
0:05:25 > 0:05:29# And basically
0:05:29 > 0:05:35# And basically I'm a star. #
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- We was all laughing at you in gym the other day.- You weren't.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- We were. We was all laughing at you in gym the other day.- Why?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Cos you had a great big poo stripe on your pants, that's why.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I never had a poo stripe on my pants!
0:06:21 > 0:06:27- I didn't!- Poo stripe, poo stripe!- I never had a poo stripe on my pants!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- You did!- I didn't. At least my mother can sew!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Don't talk about my family. - Your mother can't even sew properly.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Don't talk about my family!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Your family, your family, your family!
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Ha!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Look at your legs!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55If you tell the doctor you don't want to go on the Pill,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- you know what he'll do.- What?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01He'll insert a UFO inside you, won't he?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Do you know what one of those is, or not?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Not.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- Right. Other name - coil. Do you know what a Slinky looks like?- Yes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Well, it's like a huge Slinky and it's got barbed wire on it
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and they squish it all up and stuff it up inside your bladder
0:07:18 > 0:07:21and it hooks on and it stops babies.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25The only drawback is, you can get out of control
0:07:25 > 0:07:28going up and down stairs, that's all.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- You know Cookie Crew, right? - I know Cookie Crew, all right?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34It's a name a bit like that, right? They're called the Cookie Crew.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Yeah.- We could be called the Biscuit Rappers.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Do you get it?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Do you get it? Because, like, we're both rappers, aren't we,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and we're both...biscuits.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Not having second thoughts about the double wedding, are you?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh, no, I think it's a really romantic idea.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Now, what about, erm, we have to book a course of tanning sessions.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Tanning, yes.- Manicure.- Mmm.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Pedicure.- Mm-hm.- Bikini wax.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Oh, I've had that done already.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Oh, you'll be stubbly on the day.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Ohhh!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08MEOWING So sweet!
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Ohhhh!
0:08:09 > 0:08:13This little kitten wonders where his mummy is.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16They're gorgeous!
0:08:16 > 0:08:19They're just so lovely and fluffy!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Fluffy!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Look at this one, Leanne.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- It's a kitten jumping into a paper bag.- Aw...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- You know, that's reversible, Jackie.- Oh, is it?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Oh, kitten jumping OUT of a paper bag!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Ohhh, that's just darling... - DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Amazon!- Oh!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- More kitten toys?- Yes. - Ooh-ooh, exciting, exciting!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh, look, Jackie!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50It's a Kitty Complex!
0:08:50 > 0:08:57- Any kitten would love that.- I would love that.- Yes. That's gorgeous!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I would live in that.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, look!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Jackie?- Yes?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Do you think you'd ever get a real kitten, Jackie?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10No, Leanne, no.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12But why, Jackie?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Because of the poo.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, the poo! Oh, the poo!
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Horrible!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21It's horrible! It's horrible!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40You feeling any better, then?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- CROAKY VOICE:- Your mother sucks jelly babies in hell!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Oh, she does not.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I've been looking at this Home Doctor book here
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and I think I might have put my finger on something.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Have you got a temperature?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56SHE RASPS
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Stick out your tongue.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Aaah...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- MUFFLED:- Aaah...
0:10:05 > 0:10:10That's nasty, isn't it? Well, I think we're looking at cystitis.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19She, apparently,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21is now having an affair
0:10:21 > 0:10:23with a man that's doing it
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- with a porcupine.- No!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Not porcupine, sorry.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Concubine. That's what I'm trying to say.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Delicious.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I'm so glad you like it, Grandalf.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Oh, hang on.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39What?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41You should have this cup.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44You should have this cup.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- No, but, you see, I'm the giant. I have this big cup.- I know that.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49That's why you should have this cup. I should have the big one.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- It makes me look smaller. - No, cos if you...- No, no.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Be like us and learn your trade on Crackerjack!
0:11:06 > 0:11:0825 years, man and boy.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09I'm a 45-year-old woman.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- BOTH:- Fandabidozi!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Good morning.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Good morning.- Sit down, please.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29What did the Krankies say to you?
0:11:31 > 0:11:32They said, "Fandabidozi."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42SHE SNIFFS
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Mmm.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You wear Pretty Peach skin cream.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49SHE SNIFFS
0:11:49 > 0:11:54And sometimes Mum roll-on deodorant.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Timber!
0:12:07 > 0:12:13Whee! Looka here! Mr and Mrs Lovey-Dovey.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Mr and Mrs Lovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I reckon you're going to want to wrap your legs round him
0:12:21 > 0:12:23in a cabin tonight, ain't ya, missy?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Mm-hm-hm!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28And if you think I'm going to lay nearby trying to sleep
0:12:28 > 0:12:32while you two wimble-wimble, pokey-pokey-friggy all night,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35well, you've got another one of them thinkings coming, cos I just ain't.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40GROWLING ROAR
0:12:40 > 0:12:41- VOICEOVER:- Troy.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Is there no-one else?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47SHOUTS: Is there no-one else?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Arm!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- VOICEOVER: - How much hate could one person have?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Don't push me.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04It's my time of the month.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Help me on with my dress, Mummy.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I'm not your mummy, I'm Mammy.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Oh, my good God, Thelma.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33What are we going to do?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38I ain't going to give up now. I can't go back!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Keep going.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42What do you mean?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Go! Straight to comedy heaven, Louise.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Immortalised for ever.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51ENGINE STARTS
0:14:10 > 0:14:12SHE GROANS
0:14:14 > 0:14:16SHE GROWLS
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I'm ruddy FUMING!
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I've just seen it. I've just seen it now.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- I've just come from the pictures now.- And? And what?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31And I'm not in it.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I, the ACTUAL Wonder Woman,
0:14:35 > 0:14:39am NOT in the film named after me.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- But why?- They've used another person to play ME!- I don't understand why.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Why have they?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I mean, back in the day, Lynda Carter at least called me up,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51asked my advice. They INVOLVED me. These people - nothing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Did they even ask you to audition?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Audition?!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I AM Wonder Woman!
0:14:57 > 0:15:02I don't have to audition! All right, let's do the checklist.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05All right, number one - am I the daughter of two gods?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Yes.- Yes, I am.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- Tick that box, because I am the daughter of Mars and Twix.- Yes.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19- Tick! Number two - do I have super-fast reactions?- Yes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Yes, I do. Throw those oranges at me now. Throw them at me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oh, careful! Careful!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I wasn't charged up yet. I wasn't ready.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You could have had my eye out then.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Sorry, sorry.- Right, number three - do I have super-fast running skills?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Yes.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Now, did you see that? I've just been to Land's End and back.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I could have done it faster if I had a better bra on, obviously.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Was it all right in Land's End?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I think they've ruined it, haven't they, Land's End.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- It's very touristy.- Very touristy.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54It used to be wild, and now it's just a kiosk and some rides.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Anyway, anyway, anyway, number four on the checklist -
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- do I have superlative musculature? - Obvs.- Yes, I do.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- So, all boxes ticked.- Yes. - How dare they!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Are you even earning anything from the new film?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- Absolutely nothing, no, no.- Not even getting something out the back end?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I'm very sorry about that. I have got a gippy tummy, sorry.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- I'm so sorry.- No, I mean royalties. - No, absolutely nada.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27To be honest, I feel redundant.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Ooh! Ow!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32How's Thor feeling about it all?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- Thor?- Mm.- He's in pieces.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- And not just because they've got an Australian to play him.- Yes.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43It's not that. He can deal with his own pain about that.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45It's more that he feels very defensive about his brother Loki.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Oh, played by Tom Hiddleston. - Yes.- Yes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Tom Hiddleston! I mean, did you ever meet the real Loki?- No.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- He was an evil giant!- Was he?- Yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Not an Old Etonian English string bean, frankly!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00No! I've got to tell you, they are furious up there in Olympia.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Absolutely.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I wouldn't be surprised if another Armageddon is on its way
0:17:04 > 0:17:07if any more of this thoughtless casting continues.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- And I'll tell you what really does upset me.- Yes?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12It's all the people out there on the street, you know,
0:17:12 > 0:17:13because there was a woman out there
0:17:13 > 0:17:16looking at me just now and she's looking at me
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and she's thinking, "Oh, there's a woman dressed up like Wonder Woman."
0:17:19 > 0:17:23And she doesn't know!
0:17:23 > 0:17:27But surely what's worse is, there's actual adults with brains
0:17:27 > 0:17:32- going to see these films.- Yes! And BELIEVING them!- Believing them.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Believing that those are the real people.- Yes.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Do you know what it makes me feel like?- What?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It makes me feel like I don't want
0:17:38 > 0:17:40to attend any more disasters ever again.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Oh, no! - No, I'm throwing the towel in.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Oh, no! Don't be like that! Don't be like that!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Sort out your own catastrophes!
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Go on, let's see if your expensive CGI and all your big props
0:17:53 > 0:17:55and all your sound effects and everything,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58see if they save lives and rescue our planet!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- You all right? - I'm sorry I'm ranting, Jen.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It's just, this stuff matters.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Yes, casting's important, casting's important.- Yeah, it is, yeah.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14- Who would you approve of to play you?- Oh, that's quite a good idea.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Well, someone who looks like me for a start.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17What about Catherine Zeta-Jones?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Too old.- Yes.- Far too old.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Far too old, yeah.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Er... Oh, I know - Cara Delevingne.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30- Yes.- Oh, yes.- She's good.- She'd be good. Or Beyonce is the spit for me.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Yes.- Yeah, yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Well, I understand your anger at the casting, but can you imagine
0:18:36 > 0:18:39how Batman feels with all the people that have played him?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Can you imagine how the actual Batman feels?- Batman?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Yes, the actual Batman.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Batman's dead, Jennifer.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50The actual Batman?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Batman wasn't immortal, was he? He's not a god, like me.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Don't you know that?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Oh, no. Oh, no, this is awful.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01You didn't even know that, did you?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Sometimes you do say silly, stupid things and you end up
0:19:04 > 0:19:08looking like a complete idiot, and this is one of those moments.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I have to say I'm dripping with humiliation
0:19:11 > 0:19:13even standing near you, I have to say. Just cut me out of this.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I don't want to be associated with this. Keep it on her.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Point it to her. Look at the idiot. Look at the IDIOT!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Look at her. Look at her.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Now we're back in the cottage in Wiltshire
0:19:28 > 0:19:31with Giles and Mary.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- You know what the problem with those two is, don't you, Nutty?- Yes, Mary.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Is it their Kleinian need to misbehave,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46thereby revisiting their childhood?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Blood and sand!- What's the matter? - Blood and sand! I've cut my finger!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51What, completely off?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53No, it's just sort of dangling.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56No, Nutty.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Uh?- It's too much...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Chocolate?- Coffee.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Coffee.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Yes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08VEHICLE APPROACHES
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Got ya! Where's the other bloody bugger? I was going for a brace.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26In the wheel arch, here with me. There you are.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- Wonderful! I'll get the tractor to you later.- All right.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Did you find that funny, Mary?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38You don't really have a sense of humour, do you, Nutty?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I do, Nutty. You know I do, Nutty.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47You know what the problem with these two is, don't you, Nutty?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Yes, Nutty.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Coffee.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54No, Nutty.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Skunk.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- TV:- And now a Christmas message from Sue Lawley.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- BOTH:- Sue Lawley?!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Well, let's hope that's the last we see of those two, Nutty.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Oh, you're not even there.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Yes, I am, Nutty.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21But only just.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Now, some of you may remember that, some time ago,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29we visited the lively duo who run Prickly Pear Farm,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and we've popped back there from time to time
0:21:31 > 0:21:33to see how the enterprise is progressing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Let's have a look back to remind ourselves.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Whatever animal's done this has got a tummy upset and worms.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'd stake my trousers on it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Yeah, that's Rex, that one.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It's Rex, isn't it, Dot?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Yeah, we just seen him do it. - Yeah, it's Rex, thank you.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53SHE SNIFFS
0:21:56 > 0:22:01I tell you what else we do just to make a few bob is dog looky-likeys.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Who do you think it is?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04It's Posh Spice.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Looks exactly like her, doesn't it?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Our film crew went down to Prickly Pear Farm
0:22:09 > 0:22:11to see how things are going now.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14So, as you know, we're always looking for ways
0:22:14 > 0:22:18to keep changing and trying to keep going and, at the moment,
0:22:18 > 0:22:24we're diversi-fucking into having burials here, natural burials.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26All dead, aren't they?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- Yeah, they're all dead before we bury them.- All dead.- Yeah.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Except the one that just... He sits up, doesn't he, that one.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36He sits up, goes, "Good morning! Good morning!"
0:22:36 > 0:22:38No, no, no, that was your father, wasn't it?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41He was just having a nap and you rolled him up in a sheet,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44didn't you, so we nearly did bury him after all!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47But we didn't in the end cos he wasn't dead.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Yeah, so it's a registered natural burial ground.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Yeah, not registered, is it?- Ssh.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00So, there's 60 million humans in this country
0:23:00 > 0:23:03that's going to die in a minute, and what are we going to do with them?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And so we thought, "Well, let's return them to the worms
0:23:06 > 0:23:10"and give them a nice natural burial
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"and make it all environmentally friendly, so..."
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Oh, careful! Careful!
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Oh, you haven't buried that one in deep enough! I told you about that!
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- Bury them deeper! - Too tall, that one.- Go, over there.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Obviously there's rules about it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You're not allowed to bury 'em near water
0:23:30 > 0:23:34because otherwise you get floaters, and nobody wants that.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38This is our lovely memorial bench, we've got a lovely rose bush there,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42and people comes here to mourn and grieve and sit here and cry
0:23:42 > 0:23:46and regret everything, and they have a lovely time just...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You've...
0:23:51 > 0:23:54You've put the bench on top of one of the graves here.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I've told you about that before!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Always measure your departed human.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Don't worry about that.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09That's just natural gas escaping from the dear departed.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11No naked flame now.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13You see, there's loads of money in this.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16See, just in that little plot over there, what is there,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20ten graves there? That's 30 quid a head. What's that? Ten 30s...
0:24:20 > 0:24:24220 quid! There's fields of gold!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26SHE CACKLES
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Measure it, measure it. One, two, three, four, five, six.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39One, two, three, four, five, six.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46And this is where we carefully store those what is waiting to be
0:24:46 > 0:24:49what we like to call "deterred".
0:24:49 > 0:24:52It's not deterred, is it? What's the word?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Interred.- Interred.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"In-TURD"?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Are you sure? That's dirty, isn't it?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03You're having a laugh, ain't you?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Here she is.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- What are you doing?- I can't get that ring off, I can't get...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11No, no, leave it, leave it, leave it!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Just leave that!
0:25:12 > 0:25:17- So, as you can see, we have three humans here waiting...- Four.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- No, three.- Four humans.- One, two...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Well, that one was supposed to go two weeks ago.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25No wonder there's such a whiff in here!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You should stop playing Furious Birds and do what I tell you!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30KNOCK AT DOOR
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Yes?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Oh, sorry for your loss. - Mr and Mrs Bentley.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Yeah? I don't...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Edna Bentley.- Right, have you got a receipt?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- No.- Well, do you know where she is? Erm...
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- Edna Bentley.- Did he have bosoms? - Yes, I think so.- That's him there.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51- No, ssh. Ssh!- That's him there,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54that's him there, that's him there.
0:25:54 > 0:26:00Edna is deterred three mounds from the left up there, so off you go.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Blessings in abundance and internal damnation.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06It doesn't matter if they're bereaving over the wrong one,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08does it? They'll never know unless they dig her up.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11They're not going to dig her up cos she's here.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Anyway, it's about the send-off, really, isn't it?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17We like to give them some lovely words of comfort, don't we, like...
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- Oh...- Goodbye, Fred. You is...dead.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26Yeah, that, or fear not death, 'tis only in another room.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Naked flame!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- Damn it! Extinguisher!- Buggers! - Quick!- Stupid buggers!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- What have they done? - Stupid bloody buggers!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Don't look at me with your father's eyes!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58It is possible to be a socialist AND have staff, you know, darling!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Have you seen the bastard recently? Hmm?- Are you referring to Dad?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Oh, Dad! Dad!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Give him a little title to justify his puny existence, why don't you?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Dad!- Yes, I saw him yesterday.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Well, I don't know why you don't just live with the bloody prick
0:27:18 > 0:27:21full time since you seem to bloody love him so bloody much!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25No-one cares what I think! You never care for my feelings, darling.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Well, bugger, bugger, bollocks to all of you!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Hello, I'm Joanna Lumley.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Much as I've loved working with French and Saunders,
0:27:33 > 0:27:37and funny as they are - and they ARE funny -
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I've got a very busy life of my own now.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I've got auditions lined up, lots of auditions.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45My next one is for London Underground.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"Mind the gap." "Stand clear of the closing doors."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51So, could you please get me off their database?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53And, Jennifer, stop stalking me!
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Lose my number!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Bye!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03# When you move in right up close to me
0:28:06 > 0:28:11# That's when I get the shakes all over me... #
0:28:16 > 0:28:20MUSIC: I'm Not In Love by 10CC
0:28:28 > 0:28:32MUSIC: Shout by Lulu
0:28:37 > 0:28:40POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:28:45 > 0:28:51From Bristol, it's best friends Mary and Marina.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:28:59 > 0:29:03- I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm coming out.- Him there. You see him?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05I want him out, cos that ugly beard
0:29:05 > 0:29:07is just blending with that bush over there.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09And by "bush",
0:29:09 > 0:29:13of course, they're not talking about Dolly Background's privates.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14Come on, let's bung this up.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Oh, God, you've got naughty hair, haven't you?
0:29:16 > 0:29:18- Yeah.- Ow!- Oh, shut up!
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Take the pain, bitch!
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- Oh, we don't care who's a gay, do we?- No.
0:29:23 > 0:29:28- We don't care who's in, who's out. - No.- Who'll be back in five minutes.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Well, they don't say "gay" any more, do they?
0:29:30 > 0:29:35They says, er, LG...BLT, or something, you know.
0:29:35 > 0:29:41- Yeah, because it's L-Jelly Bean King.- Is it?- Isn't it?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- Yeah, cos they named the condition after her.- Oh!
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Right, cos she was the first lesbian discovered, weren't she?
0:29:48 > 0:29:49And they say Q now, don't they?
0:29:49 > 0:29:51They say Q - B&Q.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54No, no, no! BGT, innit?
0:29:54 > 0:29:56- No, that's Britain's Got Talent. - Oh, yeah.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Yeah.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02- All of my backing singers have been killed in a car crash!- Oh, tragic!
0:30:02 > 0:30:05You don't happen to know any of my songs at all, do you?
0:30:05 > 0:30:09- Only all of them.- Truly. We do, yeah. Try us.- Right, right.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14# The only one who could ever reach me
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- # Uh-uh! - Was the son of a preacher man
0:30:17 > 0:30:20# The only one who could ever teach me
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- # Uh-uh! - Was the son of a preacher man
0:30:23 > 0:30:24# Yes, he was
0:30:24 > 0:30:26# He was
0:30:26 > 0:30:27# Oh... #
0:30:27 > 0:30:28Key change.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31# ..Yes, he was. #
0:30:31 > 0:30:34But we've got Clare Balding now. That's all that matters.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35No, I love her. I love her.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Knows what she's talking about whatever the subject,
0:30:38 > 0:30:39even if she don't, doesn't she?
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Yeah, yeah.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- We don't care who's doing what to who any more, do we?- No!
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Nowadays, we're gender fluid.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49- Well, speak for yourself. - No, I'm dry.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I'm dry.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53You're not always dry, are you?
0:30:55 > 0:30:56I'm all right.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59SHE GROANS
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Is that an ear?
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Yes, it is, yes.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Been working down the lab and they couldn't find a mouse big enough.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19- Knock-knock!- Come in!
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Oh, goodness me!
0:31:38 > 0:31:41- What's that?- It's a baby. It's the Giant's baby.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46You know the film's out and you know it's based on me, right?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49- The Little Mermaid.- No, Pocahontas!
0:31:50 > 0:31:56So, plain card, right? And watch these magic fingers.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07And there we go - doily!
0:32:09 > 0:32:12I'm almost unbelievably beautiful, aren't I?
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- Are you?- Yes, I am, yes.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17Flawless.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: Yeah, and I'm so excited.
0:32:21 > 0:32:26Yah, he was excited and we loved the trip. We had such a good time.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28I know!
0:32:28 > 0:32:30- CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: - Oh, my God, I'm so pretty!
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh!
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Oh, get away! Oh, my God, what is that?
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Ow! Ow!
0:32:37 > 0:32:39- Oh, it's just my big fat ass.- Yeah.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42I thought it was someone else. It was just my own ass.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44You're so pretty!
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Oh, my God!
0:32:46 > 0:32:48You're so pretty!
0:32:48 > 0:32:53- You look so pretty! - You're so cute! You're so cute!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55- Like, will you help me clean out my closet?- No, I can't.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58Oh, my God, cos I'm, like, so exhausted.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02- I feel, like, so stressed.- And I'm so excited.- Completely stressed.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Oh, God, you look so pretty!
0:33:04 > 0:33:09Oh, thank you! I love you! I love you!
0:33:09 > 0:33:10I love you!
0:33:10 > 0:33:12NORMAL ACCENT: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15- NORMAL ACCENT:- What? What, what?
0:33:15 > 0:33:16You haven't blended. Look.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19No, don't worry about that. Don't worry about that.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21- CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: - Like, ever since Paris,
0:33:21 > 0:33:23I feel, like, so anxious all the time.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27Yeah, I'm so excited.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30NORMAL ACCENT: This is ridiculous! Can we just stop this, please?
0:33:30 > 0:33:32- What are you doing? Stop it! - Stop it!
0:33:32 > 0:33:36- Yes, stop it because it's ridiculous.- What, what?
0:33:36 > 0:33:37What are you doing?
0:33:37 > 0:33:39I just don't understand why we're doing this.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Because we're connecting with the kids. We're being relevant.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44What kids? What kids?!
0:33:47 > 0:33:49I'm looking at a sea of grey!
0:33:51 > 0:33:52What, kids that happen to be watching it
0:33:52 > 0:33:55by mistake at their granny's?
0:33:55 > 0:33:56Those kids?
0:33:58 > 0:34:00- This is ridiculous, Dawn! - No, it isn't.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Look at you! Look at you!
0:34:01 > 0:34:03You've missed the whole point of it.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Because I won't look like this when it goes out, will I?
0:34:07 > 0:34:11- What do you mean?- No, all of this will be much smallened here.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Everything here will be flattened, that will be biggened
0:34:13 > 0:34:17and smoothened round, and all of this will be blended.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19I'll be totally airbrushed.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Will I be airbrushed?
0:34:21 > 0:34:23No, you're going to look crap, like that.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Oh, God, I hate you! I HATE YOU!
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: - Just concentrate on this.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Let's break the internet.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37# Oh, yeah, yeah
0:34:38 > 0:34:40# Yeah. #
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to introduce Kiki Dee!
0:34:47 > 0:34:50# Don't go breaking my heart
0:34:50 > 0:34:52# I couldn't if I tried... #
0:34:52 > 0:34:56# Throw the dice Let's spin the wheel to see
0:34:56 > 0:34:59# If our love is now a casualty
0:34:59 > 0:35:03# C'est la vie, c'est la vie
0:35:03 > 0:35:04# C'est la, c'est la, c'est la vie
0:35:04 > 0:35:06# Say good for you Say bad for me
0:35:06 > 0:35:08# Quite bad for me
0:35:08 > 0:35:10# C'est la vie, c'est la vie
0:35:10 > 0:35:12# C'est la, c'est la, c'est la vie
0:35:12 > 0:35:14# Say what will be will be will be
0:35:14 > 0:35:15# Be-be-be-be-be-be-be... #
0:35:15 > 0:35:19# Cross my heart and count to ten... #
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Hello, I'm Caroline.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27And I'm Sharon.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34And I'm Andrea.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Jim!
0:35:36 > 0:35:39# You shouldn't be
0:35:41 > 0:35:43# Here I am
0:35:43 > 0:35:45# Please try to think of me... #
0:35:45 > 0:35:46# Way back when
0:35:46 > 0:35:49# The world was brighter then
0:35:49 > 0:35:54# And when the bride danced the night away... #
0:35:54 > 0:35:56# I am a man, yes, I am
0:35:56 > 0:35:59# With a big responsibility... #
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Ssh, be quiet!
0:36:03 > 0:36:05# Turn a feather head
0:36:05 > 0:36:07# It's so normal
0:36:07 > 0:36:09# Unless everybody hops
0:36:09 > 0:36:11# Then it's crazy
0:36:11 > 0:36:13# Play it with pants instead
0:36:13 > 0:36:15# And that is DIPPY! #
0:36:18 > 0:36:20# Yeahhhhh... #
0:36:41 > 0:36:44# They say our love won't pay the rent
0:36:44 > 0:36:48# Before it's earned Our money's all been spent
0:36:51 > 0:36:53# I guess that's so We don't have a pot
0:36:53 > 0:36:58# At least I'm sure of all the things we got... #
0:36:58 > 0:37:04# Magic flies like a crystal vision...
0:37:04 > 0:37:09# Within her heart like a bird in flight
0:37:09 > 0:37:12# If I can be your daughter... #
0:37:15 > 0:37:17# Come on, people, on the floor
0:37:17 > 0:37:20# Get into the groove... #
0:37:28 > 0:37:31They invited me onto one of their shows to sing a nice song,
0:37:31 > 0:37:33then they shot me.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36# We-e-e-e-e-ell...#
0:37:44 > 0:37:50And then nothing - not another word.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00I need to speak to you, George Warleggan.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02I have nothing to say to you, Demelza.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Don't you walk out on me!
0:38:05 > 0:38:08BOTH: Fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa...
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- <- Cut!
0:38:10 > 0:38:12I'm sorry, what were you saying?
0:38:12 > 0:38:16- Fa-fa-fa.- We're fa-fa-ing.- Yes. - We're not angry rhubarb like them.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18We're fa-fas. Fa-fa-fa-fa!
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Can you just say nothing?
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Going again.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Nothing?
0:38:26 > 0:38:27I need to speak to you, George Warleggan.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30I have nothing to say to you, Demelza.
0:38:30 > 0:38:31Don't you walk out on me.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34- MIMICS PARROT:- Pretty Polly! Pretty Polly!- Cut!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39No, I didn't say a word. That was the parrot.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41That was the parrot speaking. Silly parrot!
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Can we lose the parrot?
0:38:43 > 0:38:45- But this is my husband's parrot. - Yes, she would have the parrot.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49He's a seaman. He's away at sea. This is all I have of him.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53Well, this and our poorly baby. This baby's got typhoid
0:38:53 > 0:38:55so the parrot is a great comfort to me.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58And I would have a parrot in these days, wouldn't I,
0:38:58 > 0:39:00and these are the days just before The Onedin Line.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04When does it become The Onedin Line? Is there a set date?
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Reset. Five minutes.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13- Is that our friend over there? - Where?- I don't want to point.- Where?
0:39:13 > 0:39:17Two o'clock, two o'clock. No, my two o'clock. Six o'clock, six o'clock.
0:39:17 > 0:39:18There. There!
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Oh, yes, that's him, that's him.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- BOTH:- What's his name?
0:39:23 > 0:39:24Helligan, is it?
0:39:27 > 0:39:32Hello! No, no, no, no, no. I know, you hate this, don't you?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34This is awful, isn't it?
0:39:34 > 0:39:39- Charged up to you, haven't asked you any permission.- We're not riffraff.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41We're not the angry rhubarb-rhubard-rhubarb.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45- We're actually fa-fas. - We're not the great unwashed.- No.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46Do you want another picture?
0:39:46 > 0:39:49- Of what, sorry?- Me.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:39:51 > 0:39:56I've already WhatsApp'd the 200 we did of you to my son in Dubai, yes.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59- He was a bit disappointed.- Oh, why?
0:39:59 > 0:40:04- Cos he wanted Aidan, really.- Yes, the actual Poldark.- No, no, don't...
0:40:04 > 0:40:07- You could help us. - Yes, we could ask you this.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- You are an actual member of high society.- A fa-fa.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13A real fa-fa, and do you think it's right
0:40:13 > 0:40:16that all the posh people have been given the lines in this?
0:40:16 > 0:40:20Because we have been singled out to say absolutely nothing in this,
0:40:20 > 0:40:25- haven't we?- Yes.- And yet we are the people with the huge body of work.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Yes, yes. Are you familiar with our work?
0:40:28 > 0:40:32- Fa-fa-fa!- Fa-fa!
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Foo-fa!
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- Cut! CUT! What the- BLEEP- is that?
0:40:39 > 0:40:43- What the- BLEEP- is that, you- BLEEP- sons of bitches?
0:40:44 > 0:40:47AIR WHOOSHES
0:40:47 > 0:40:48Cut!
0:40:49 > 0:40:52We brought them from home...
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Roy, why did you book these two?!
0:40:54 > 0:40:56I want a word with you in the Vic. Now.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58- Kat, darling, I've got to work the stall.- No, now!
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Doof-doof, doof-doof-doof-doof...
0:41:02 > 0:41:06THEY HUM THE EASTENDERS THEME
0:41:13 > 0:41:18- Really quite an oeuvre. - Oh, thank you, kind sir!
0:41:18 > 0:41:21- He's hating this, isn't he? - It's awful. Isn't it awful?
0:41:21 > 0:41:25Can I ask you something, George Fourleggan? Are you staying nearby?
0:41:25 > 0:41:27- No, don't ask him that.- No? - No, don't ask him that.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30- He can't answer it. Can you?- No.
0:41:30 > 0:41:31No.
0:41:31 > 0:41:32Right, we're just wondering
0:41:32 > 0:41:34if you've done anything traditional or local at all
0:41:34 > 0:41:36while you've been in Cornwall?
0:41:36 > 0:41:37Have you been to Trago Mills?
0:41:37 > 0:41:39It's very good there, yes.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42Or Granny Wobbly's Fudge Pantry?
0:41:42 > 0:41:45He's laughing at that. It's not funny. It's an actual place.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48- Granny Wobbly's Fudge Pantry. - Yes, yes.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51- Isn't your son something to do with fudge?- Yes, yes.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53My son is a fudge-packer,
0:41:53 > 0:41:55according to his friends in Dubai, isn't he?
0:41:55 > 0:41:58I've never seen any evidence of the actual fudge.
0:41:58 > 0:41:59He doesn't bring any of it home,
0:41:59 > 0:42:02not even the stuff that no-one wants that comes out the back.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05- That's my favourite stuff. - Do you need anything?
0:42:05 > 0:42:06Oh, here's Demelza!
0:42:06 > 0:42:10Here she is. She's come to rescue him. You stay there.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14She's come to pretend that he's needed in make-up when he isn't.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16- He doesn't need make-up.- No. - You know who never needs make-up?
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Aidan!
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Yes, she's a little bit soft on Aidan, aren't you?
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Tell Demelza about Aidan. Don't get jealous.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25About when he had his shirt off, you know,
0:42:25 > 0:42:27and he was in the fields with his shirt off.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29- Probably best not to mention that. - No, don't mention that.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31It was a long time ago.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33We've done quite a lot of really good work since then.
0:42:33 > 0:42:38- Yes, of course. Yes, of course, we completely respect that.- Yes.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42- Oh, is that Aidan over there? Is that him there?- It is.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Oh, I think it is! Oh, my goodness!
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Aidan! Captain Poldark!
0:42:46 > 0:42:49My friend here's got something she'd like to tell you.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53- It's a lovely thing.- When you were in the fields with your chest out.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56Yes, when you were scything the ripe corn, and you were sweating a lot.
0:42:56 > 0:42:57She only wants to tell you about...
0:42:57 > 0:43:00- Aidan!- Aidan!- Aidan! Where's he going?
0:43:00 > 0:43:03- Aidan!- Aidan!- Aidan!- Aidan! - Aidan!- Aidan!- Aidan!- AIDAN!
0:43:03 > 0:43:08- Aidan!- AIDAN! What's his second name?- Poldark. Poldark!- Poldark!
0:43:08 > 0:43:12- Poldark!- Poldark!- POLDAAARK!- What is the matter with him?- Just stop!
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Stop!
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Hang on, hang on, hang on, wait.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19We have done four series.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21That is hours of acting
0:43:21 > 0:43:24and rehearsing, where we have to find within us
0:43:24 > 0:43:26that empty void that is ready then to fill
0:43:26 > 0:43:30with the character's feelings - pain, joy, ART,
0:43:30 > 0:43:34to charge relationships with believable reality,
0:43:34 > 0:43:38- to cry, to love, to hate. - Absolutely. I've buried children.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40I've worn a very, very tight corset.
0:43:40 > 0:43:44I've got a very uncomfortable collar. Tell them about the mascara.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47I have had to work for the past four series without mascara.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51Do you any idea how brave that is?
0:43:51 > 0:43:54And all you remember is that scene.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57- Yes.- Yes.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03It's just because he has that little bit of skin on him down here.
0:44:03 > 0:44:05This wouldn't be allowed if he was a woman.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07You know, cos when a man pulls his trousers down low,
0:44:07 > 0:44:09there's that man shape,
0:44:09 > 0:44:12I don't know what it is, and there's that bit of skin there
0:44:12 > 0:44:15and I like to imagine that, when he wakes up in the morning,
0:44:15 > 0:44:17he smells of biscuits...
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Stop it! Don't worry about her. She's no danger.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23She won't act on anything. She's dead from the waist down.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25Seriously, though, if you were a man letching over a woman
0:44:25 > 0:44:27the way you letch over him,
0:44:27 > 0:44:29I could have you reported and taken off this set.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32Steady on! I'm being attacked by a feminist, or something!
0:44:32 > 0:44:36- I give up.- You give up?- Oh, she's given up.- That's rather useful.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39Would you mind quickly taking a snap? Just a quick one.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42- Just a quick one, George. - One with us with Mr Helligan.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44- There we go, that's it.- Look at him!
0:44:44 > 0:44:46APPLAUSE
0:44:52 > 0:44:53Thank you.
0:44:55 > 0:44:59So, there we have it. Can I just thank everyone at home for watching?
0:44:59 > 0:45:01Thank you, the audience, for being here this evening
0:45:01 > 0:45:03and can I just briefly...
0:45:03 > 0:45:05- Do you mind? - No, no, I'll lead you in.
0:45:05 > 0:45:07Do you know something?
0:45:07 > 0:45:10I want to say thank you to this set, which has given us
0:45:10 > 0:45:13so many hours and hours of pleasure.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16- APPLAUSE - Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.
0:45:17 > 0:45:18We've had so much fun in here.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21We can't end the show without me saying one thing to you as well.
0:45:21 > 0:45:23- What's that?- Are you going to do the accent, Dawn?
0:45:23 > 0:45:26- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:- How are you? - NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: How are you?
0:45:26 > 0:45:31NORMAL ACCENT: Yes, and also, I think, cos everyone here...
0:45:31 > 0:45:33- Well, I'm a fan of yours, obviously.- Oh, stop it!
0:45:33 > 0:45:37Silly, silly. But I think there's probably a question
0:45:37 > 0:45:40that most people really want to ask you
0:45:40 > 0:45:42and I know I want to ask you this question.
0:45:42 > 0:45:45- What are you doing? Stop it. - Can I ask you a question?
0:45:45 > 0:45:48Of course you can!
0:45:48 > 0:45:51- Dawn French off the telly-o-vision...- Yes?
0:45:51 > 0:45:54How are you feeling about your weight? Ooh...
0:46:03 > 0:46:05Eurgh!
0:46:05 > 0:46:06Eurrrrgh!
0:46:06 > 0:46:09Eurgh! Eurgh!
0:46:18 > 0:46:20What are you doing?
0:46:20 > 0:46:23Just checking!
0:46:28 > 0:46:31Could you, erm, tidy up my growler while you're down there?
0:46:31 > 0:46:33- SNIPPING - Thank you very much.
0:46:33 > 0:46:34Cheerio!
0:46:36 > 0:46:37SCREAMING
0:46:42 > 0:46:44Oh, come on! That would have finished you off, wouldn't it?
0:46:44 > 0:46:48Nothing at all, not even a scratch. Did you miss, or something?
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Cos all I've got is a grumbling headache.
0:46:51 > 0:46:52That's done it.
0:46:52 > 0:46:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:57 > 0:47:00# Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington
0:47:00 > 0:47:03# Don't put your daughter on the stage
0:47:03 > 0:47:07# The profession is overcrowded and the struggle's pretty tough
0:47:07 > 0:47:09# And admitting the fact she's learning to act
0:47:09 > 0:47:11# That isn't quite enough
0:47:11 > 0:47:14# She has nice hands to give the wretched girl her due
0:47:14 > 0:47:18# But don't you think her bust is too developed for her age?
0:47:18 > 0:47:19# I repeat, Mrs Worthington
0:47:19 > 0:47:21# Sweet Mrs Worthington
0:47:21 > 0:47:25# Don't put your daughter on the stage
0:47:25 > 0:47:26# Regarding yours
0:47:26 > 0:47:28# Dear Mrs Worthington
0:47:28 > 0:47:31# Of Wednesday the 23rd
0:47:31 > 0:47:35# Although your baby may be keen on a stage career
0:47:35 > 0:47:37# How can I make it clear?
0:47:37 > 0:47:39# This is not a good idea
0:47:39 > 0:47:41# For her to hope
0:47:41 > 0:47:42# Dear Mrs Worthington
0:47:42 > 0:47:46# Is, on the face of it, absurd
0:47:46 > 0:47:49# Her personality is not, in reality
0:47:49 > 0:47:51# Exciting enough, inviting enough
0:47:51 > 0:47:53# For this particular sphere
0:47:53 > 0:47:56# Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington
0:47:56 > 0:47:59# Don't put your daughter on the stage
0:47:59 > 0:48:01# Though they said at the school of acting
0:48:01 > 0:48:03# She was lovely as Peer Gynt
0:48:03 > 0:48:05# I'm afraid On the whole, an ingenue role
0:48:05 > 0:48:06# Would emphasise her squint
0:48:06 > 0:48:08# She's a big girl
0:48:08 > 0:48:11# And though her teeth are fairly good
0:48:11 > 0:48:13# She's not the type I ever would be eager to engage
0:48:13 > 0:48:16# No more buts, Mrs Worthington
0:48:16 > 0:48:17# Nuts, Mr Worthington
0:48:17 > 0:48:20# Don't put your daughter on the stage. #
0:48:27 > 0:48:29What does that say?
0:48:29 > 0:48:33- Fin, or something. Fin.- Fin.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35Oh, that's the end. The end!
0:48:35 > 0:48:37Oh, hooray for that!