0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Oh, God, it's drunk o'clock.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Battle stations, foot soldiers.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Amara, I suggest you say a prayer to the Elephant man.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26And I'm not talking about the one with a Nik Nak for a head.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I'm talking about the one with lots of arms you pray to.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I'm not a Hindu.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32What is a Hindu?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Now, remember people, no matter how drunk they are,
0:00:35 > 0:00:36they are still customers.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39So even if they throw up on you, piss on your feet,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41or call you a mannish-looking lesbian -
0:00:41 > 0:00:44just because I was having a bad hair day - remember to smile.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46So, what's drunk o'clock?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Pub closing time. Have you seen The Walking Dead?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Well, it's like that, but with hungry drunk people.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It can't be that bad.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56It has begun.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Excuse me, sir, could I use your toilet, please?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Customer use only, you stupid old whatsit, now piss off.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14OK, it has not begun, but it will.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15MUFFLED SHOUTS
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Christ on a bicycle. Here we go.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Man your stations.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Hold strong, everyone!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Start the blinking fryers!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28HUBBUB OF SHOUTING
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Mary, thanks for coming down to Head Office. I know you've got
0:01:49 > 0:01:51a busy day so we won't keep you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You're here because we've received several anonymous complaints
0:01:54 > 0:01:57from one of your employees about your managerial skills.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Who sent them?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02They're anonymous. We don't know who sent them.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03That's what anonymous means.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05So that's what anonymous means.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Your staff don't like you, Mary.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09What are you going to do about it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Well, Clive, what if I was to tell you that it was
0:02:12 > 0:02:16I that has been, uh, sending those complaints "anonymously".
0:02:16 > 0:02:18That doesn't make any sense. Why would you do that?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Yeah, I see your point.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23What have they said about me?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Well, they're quite inflammatory accusations, Mary.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Staff harassment, turning up drunk to work,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32exposing yourself to male customers with "nice smiles".
0:02:32 > 0:02:34That's ridiculous.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Well, it gets worse -
0:02:35 > 0:02:40one complaint says you've been known to be lax about your frygiene.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42No! Never!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Pull yourself together, woman.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Wow. Sorry for losing my temper just then. That was not professional.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Didn't mean to get so riled up.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Oh. OK.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Well, how about this,
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Mr Bagshawe - I go undercover to expose these lies about me.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I have a cousin who works in the theatre,
0:03:02 > 0:03:07and she recently staged a musical version of Interstellar in Cheltenham.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10She even managed to make local businessman Sanjeev Nabil
0:03:10 > 0:03:12look a little bit like Matthew McConaughey.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16With her help I can return to the restaurant and find the rat!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19So, sorry, you're going to dress up?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Trust me, Clive, you'll see.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I will return, with evidence, that this is all lies!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You know when people talk about the birds and the bees, yeah?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32That's messed up, innit?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35cos birds and bees get busy on each other, that bird's going to
0:03:35 > 0:03:38get stung, and his nuts are going to swell up like a radish, yeah?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It doesn't mean birds and bees having sex.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It's like, bees deposit pollen into flowers,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46which explains male fertilisation, and... HE MIMICS SNORING
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I'm just trying to explain.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51You sound like Stephen Hawklings, isn't it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Hey, let's talk about Amara, and how you're so gay for her
0:03:53 > 0:03:56you might as well just be jerking off two guys at the same time.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- You're letting her ride you like a big horse, bruv.- No, I'm not.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Yeah! Shontal was telling me how she was screwing up all over the place last night.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04You can't keep covering for her like that, bro.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07She wants employee of the month, I'm just trying to help her. What about you?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10What about me? I'm amazing! That's what's about me.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11I'm prime rib!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I mean, you never talk about your private life.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You just invade mine and laugh at it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Is your love life so amazing?
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Bruv, I'm looking for Mrs Right, not Mrs Right Now.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Love is an open road, Joe.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28One that you drive down that stretches out right before you,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33and you gotta keep your eye open on that vast horizon, cos then,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36and only then, do you realise there's someone sitting
0:04:36 > 0:04:38right beside you in that passenger seat.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Wow. That was surprisingly...
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Someone with tig old bitties and a slammin' v-hole, you feel me?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Eh, boys, team meeting downstairs. Oh, are you playing charades?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Oh gr... Go on, go on, do it again!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I'll see you downstairs.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07You may all be wondering
0:05:07 > 0:05:08why I'm dressed like this.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You might be sat there, uh,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13asking yourselves "Why is she dressed like this?"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Erm, you might be thinking, "Is that the dress she bought to make
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"herself feel better after Gareth ditched her?" Yeah!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"Did it work?" Yeah, 100%, still got it, still got it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27The reason I'm wearing it is because it's my niece's christening
0:05:27 > 0:05:30so I'll be gone for the next 48 hours.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32What does this mean, Commander? Who will be in charge?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Oh, yeah, you will be acting manager, Derek.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I...you... I...
0:05:42 > 0:05:47You all heard. You all saw. I'm in charge now.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And my first act in my new role as acting manager
0:05:51 > 0:05:55of Seriously Fried Chicken is to fire you, Mary Fawn.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58You have run this place into the ground with your insane
0:05:58 > 0:05:59management techniques.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Well, I am going to miss our "bant".
0:06:01 > 0:06:05I mean, obviously it'd be impossible for you to fire me.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, Derek, you crack me up.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11No, but, er, a christening is a special occasion.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14It's the beginning of a spiritual journey with God
0:06:14 > 0:06:16so it's not to be taken lightly.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17What did you get her?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Zumba lessons. She will need them with those genes, unfortunately.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22The whole family...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Erm, now just before I leave, just a quick "beaks up".
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Erm, we've actually got a new employee coming today,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34and, er, he's called Carlos.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36He's from the Tottenham branch, and, erm,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39well, I think you're going to have a lot of fun with him.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Quite a bit o' fun.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Are you ever going to pay for food?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52No. We're best mates, why would I do that?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Best mates? I don't even know your second name.
0:06:57 > 0:07:04That's jokes, man! Like, I don't even know your second name, Joe...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- 20 Mega Nuggets. - Oh, thanks, brilliant.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Hey, do we...
0:07:19 > 0:07:20What are you doing?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25What am I doing? What are you doing? Is the question...
0:07:25 > 0:07:26What do you mean?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28What do you mean?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Why are you swapping those two boxes around?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Are you saying I can't cook?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33No.
0:07:33 > 0:07:39God, no, Amara, I'm saying sometimes, your nuggets come out burned...
0:07:39 > 0:07:40and raw in the middle...
0:07:40 > 0:07:45which is actually quite impressive but, you know, fundamentally,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47dangerous...health-wise.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48No, they don't.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Balls.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Don't worry, I've got your back.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I appreciate it, but I don't need you covering for me, Joe.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I don't mind. I'm just trying to help.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04We fry stuff and sell it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'm pretty sure I can manage this job on my own without too much help.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08BEEPING
0:08:12 > 0:08:13I can do this on my own.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17BEEPING CONTINUES
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Why don't you just let Joe do everything for you, dear?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25He's been carrying your stick-insect arse from the day you started.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26That is completely untrue.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Well, tell me how we make fries.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Easy, I hand Joe the tray and then...
0:08:32 > 0:08:33I'll figure it out.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- BAD SPANISH ACCENT:- Ah, hola! Erm, I am Carlos, your new employee.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Wha...what?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Er, my name it is Carlos. Of Barcelona.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54That's in the northeast of Spain where they speak Catalan.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58You can check on Wikipedia if you like. Our national dish is...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01er, is paella. It's rice dish.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You'll want to speak to Derek, he's our acting manager.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Muchas gracias. Mucho bueno!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Joe, is it weird that Mary is dressed up like a Spanish man?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Yeah, yeah, it's definitely weird.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Seriously Fried Chicken! Seriously Fried Chicken!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23All right?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Yeah. You all right?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Nah, I'm dressed like a fucking crocodile.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I thought you was a gecko.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33What the fuck's a gecko?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34I dunno!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Hey, if you don't mind me saying -
0:09:36 > 0:09:38you sound like you got a nice pair of titties, innit?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You sound like you got a nice big dick, innit?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Yeah, sure. Definitely.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Hey!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49If we had sex, would we have like, half-chicken half-crocodile babies?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Yeah, all feathery with big teeth and shit.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Like my mum!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Right! Cos your mum's ugly, innit!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Yeah! ..Yeah.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00I think that's why my dad left.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02My name's Sam.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I'm Ed. You got dem tig ol' biddies!
0:10:05 > 0:10:06You got that dig ol' bick.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22KNOCK ON DOOR
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Yes, yes, come into the manager's office. Manager here.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Hola, greetings, erm, my name is Carlos. I am from Spain.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Mucho bueno!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Ah, yes, Mary said there'd be a Spanish fella coming along today.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Pleasure, pleasure to meet you, I'm Derek Wom, Acting Manager.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Now, where did Mary dig you up?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I am from Spain. Mucho bueno.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46You said that, Carlos.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Well, you know Mary, she interviewed me for position
0:10:49 > 0:10:53and I found her to be very interesting but, erm, tell me,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55what do you think about this, erm, Mary?
0:10:55 > 0:11:00You look familiar. You remind me of someone...
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Javier Bardem! That's it. Oh, or that...Diego whatsisface.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06From the Post Office. The one who walks round funny.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08He has multiple sclerosis.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I don't care how many sclerosises he's got. He's a wally!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15How do you know Diego from the Post Office anyway?
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Well...uh...he is... from Spain like me. So...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22we exchange nacho recipes and, er,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25we talk together in Spanish about, er...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26bullfight.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Sounds fair enough.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Shontal, my love, show Carlos here round the kitchen.
0:11:36 > 0:11:42So...tell me about, er, working here. Tell me about this Mary...
0:11:42 > 0:11:48is she nice to work with, or hard work to work with, or...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51someone you send complaints to Head Office about anonymously?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53What ya doing, woman?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Woman!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I have a pair of albondigas in these pantalon far hairier than
0:11:57 > 0:11:59the hills of Spain.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00I know it's you, Mary.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Ah. What gave me away?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Your face.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- I see. - You can stop doing the accent.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- NORMAL VOICE:- Someone's been sending complaints to Head Office about me
0:12:11 > 0:12:13and I might get fired.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Now, I need to prove that they're not true, so I'm going undercover.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Tell me - was it you?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Hell, no. You're the best boss I've ever had.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Thank you!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I can come in late and leave when I want to and you never dare stop me.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Thank you?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31If anyone is complaining about you,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34it'll be the one person that doesn't want you here - Derek.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Derek?
0:12:37 > 0:12:41But he's my right-hand man, the cheese in my sandwich,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43the shoehorn in my shoe, when my foot's not in it, obviously...
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Just one minute.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Hey! Amara, we have customers backed up?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Relax, I've got this. - You're on fire.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Thanks, Joe. - No, your station - it's on fire.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55BEEPING
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Shit!- Flames in my restaurant!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14BEEPING STOPS
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Who did this thing? This is mucho dangerous-o!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22In some cruel parts of Spain, they would have had your head for this!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Well, I like your spunk, Carlos, but these are my employees
0:13:25 > 0:13:27and I handle them.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29It was my fault.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Joseph. I knew it all along.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33It wasn't his fault.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Shontal. I knew it all along.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39It was Amara.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Amara. I knew it all along.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Right, you're on toilet duty for the next month.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Number ones, twos and threes!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50What are number threes?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Oh, you know what I mean! We all get them... Don't we?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I'm not cleaning toilets all day, the stuff that comes
0:13:57 > 0:14:00out of our customers after eating here is unholy...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Oh. Fair enough. Then you're fired.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04But, Derek...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Nope. Sorry. You're on your bhuna, mate.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Sorry, I tried.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15It's not your fault.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I can't even keep a job I hate and don't want.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20But if you're fired, what will your dad do?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I'll have to work for him. In his abattoir.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24And it is so rank.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I can't believe I'm going to have to work somewhere
0:14:27 > 0:14:28surrounded by dead animals.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Yeah. Wouldn't want to do that.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What the fuck is Ed doing?
0:14:39 > 0:14:40I have no idea.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44This place is weird.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- RECORDING PLAYS:- 'Check check. Chickety chicken check.'
0:14:52 > 0:14:55God, I really do sound like Javier Bardem.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I want to touch you, Mary...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03How's the stock check, Carlito?
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Ruddy Nora.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I haven't seen anyone stock check like this
0:15:07 > 0:15:12since a young fellow with buck teeth and an undescended testicle
0:15:12 > 0:15:15waltzed in here and said, "Can I have a job, please?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:17That young fellow was me.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Mucho gracias.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24Erm, now, I was wondering, tell me about your boss -
0:15:24 > 0:15:27"Mary" - you know, I have heard some terrible things.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Oh? What have you heard?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh, you know, just, er, through the grapefruit vine that
0:15:31 > 0:15:35complaints are being sent about her to the "fat cats" upstairs.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You know, in Spain we have a saying -
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"tell me everything you know about this".
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I wouldn't know anything about that.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45You winked.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46No, I didn't.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Acknowledge out loud that you're winking at me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53In my culture it's rude not to acknowledge out loud
0:15:53 > 0:15:55when you are winking at someone.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I mean, I ask you this as a fellow colleague, a friend...
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Friends, is it? Well, let's do this proper, then.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06The Frog And Mouse, tonight.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08You, me, a couple of shandy tops, a bowl of scampi fries
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and a big plate of dirt.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Now, come here, friend!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20What are you doing?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23In Spain, er, this is how we, er, we hug.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26We embrace, and then we squat down together, mucho bueno.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27All right, then.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Oh, it's quite nice, actually. Makes a change.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31We do it again...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Oh, you've got some pectorals on you there, Carlita...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38And again!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40And down we go again.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Well, this is working wonders for me hammies!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Oh! Well, no wonder your economy's in the toilet,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50you spend all bleedin' day hugging!
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Si.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Mate. I met the girl of my dreams.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59We think exactly the same way. Like, we both like chips.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01And we've both seen Iron Man.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03That describes quite a lot of people...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Just cos you ain't never been in love.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06You're in love?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's like A Beautiful Mind. We connect.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And it's like...you know, I don't want to see her face in case it
0:17:11 > 0:17:13ruins everything by her being ugly.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Like, right now, she's just this...
0:17:14 > 0:17:18big crocodile and I'm just this little chicken and it's beautiful.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Right. You know, we don't have to share everything.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You wouldn't understand. You're too young.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24You're too innocent. Too stupid.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Hey. Just came to say goodbye.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Laters.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You can't leave. Derek doesn't have the power to fire you.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34We'll talk to Mary so you don't have to work in the abattoir.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It doesn't matter. The work isn't even the worst thing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39It's just embarrassing.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Not being able to keep a job here, in the weird, fat,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44mutant cousin of KFC.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I'll see you around, Joe.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47How come you got so much stuff?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Oh, it's not mine. I just found it lying around the place.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Figured I might as well get something out of this job.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Thought I'd sell it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57I think those are my headphones...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Er, so now that it is just
0:18:02 > 0:18:06the two of us here, er, totally off the record,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09how would you rate your manager, Mary?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10And please, speak freely.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Mary? I'd give her a zero.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15That woman's no more a leader than you are an Englishman.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18She's incompetent, stupid - no wonder Gareth left her.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19- ACCENT FALTERS:- Derek!
0:18:21 > 0:18:26So, perhaps you have made complaints about this Mary? To management?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Many times, Carlos.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I shouldn't tell you this, but I've had a couple of shandys and I'm getting loose...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I've been conducting a vicious,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38anonymous campaign against Mary since the day she joined.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41What have you said?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I've accused her of dancing naked in the catsup, sticking straws
0:18:45 > 0:18:48up her whatsit and putting them back in the dispensers.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Is this true?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Not a word.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Well, now.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It would seem the chicken has come home to his rooster, huh?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02No, no.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07I have what I want, but it hurts like a dagger in my back.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Mucho bueno. Farewell.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14Aw. Let's have a hug - the Spanish way!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31OK, OK, let's cut the bullshit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I like you and you like me.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Our minds are connected like internet Wi-Fi - buffering.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Take off that hat and let's do this thing.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Cos no matter what you look like - I'm into you, babe.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I love your mind, now I want to kiss your face.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Bollocks!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Where's he going?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I don't know.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57But I wish he'd come back.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Hi, Mary.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Oh, hola, Joe, mucho bueno.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09It's fine, I know it's you.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14When did you realise?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Was it when I knew just a little too much about how to label
0:20:18 > 0:20:20those chicken thighs, or when I expertly put the fire out?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22What gave me away?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Your face.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You could make management you know one day, Joe.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29You see things the others don't.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Everyone knows it's you. Except Derek.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Oh.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39God, you probably think I've gone totally doolally.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I feel a bit doolally.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Wandering around with a moustache on my face
0:20:45 > 0:20:47and a courgette stuffed down my trousers.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I mean, yeah, I didn't think it would come to this, Joe.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Spying on my own staff.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55But, you know, when you're under pressure
0:20:55 > 0:20:57that's when you see what you're really made of.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Yeah. Right, under pressure.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03That'd do it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- 'Hey.'- Hi, Amara...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Hola. - Es un noche preciosa, verdad?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oh, my God, I'm sorry, I'm not Spanish!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Hey, I got here as quick as I could, what's happening?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Joe called saying there was an emergency and...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Where is everyone? - That's the emergency.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34It's nearly drunk o'clock and they've all called in sick.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35But I don't work here any more.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Oh, and I've got to go, too,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- I have a sensitive, personal problem I have to deal with.- But...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- It's a bunion.- OK...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- In my arsehole.- Oh.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45I thought it was a haemorrhoid.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- OK.- It wasn't.- Right.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- It was a bunion.- Got that.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50- In my arsehole.- Still with you.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Don't burn anything.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53You can't just leave me.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, yeah, I forgot. Because you can't handle it!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It's fine. How bad can it be?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10HUBBUB OF SHOUTING
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Waiting for chicken, yeah, where's my chicken?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15# Did those feet
0:22:15 > 0:22:16# In ancient times... #
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Wait, can everyone just...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Listen, shut up!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Form a queue, be polite, or piss off!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41That goes for you too, bunhead!
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Take it off.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Hello, sir, welcome to Seriously Fried Chicken, how may I help you?
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Leaving these premises unattended at drunk o'clock is shameful.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I have worked here since it were a Wimpy
0:22:59 > 0:23:01and I have never seen such unprofessionalism.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Only the quick thinking of Amara Patel...
0:23:05 > 0:23:06That's not my surname.
0:23:06 > 0:23:12..saved us. Drunk o'clock, all by herself. The woman deserves a medal.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17We don't give them out, mind. The rest of you, you're fired.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Oh...ho-ho, who's laughing now?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26HE CACKLES
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Me.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29This ends now, Derek.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Carlos, your glasses...
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Carlos, your moustache...
0:23:38 > 0:23:43Oh, OK, I just got it. Mary. It were you all along.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44But...but why?
0:23:44 > 0:23:49I have you on tape, Derek, admitting that those complaints were lies.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52And this recording is going to Head Office.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56And you will be dismissed. Which is fancy talk for fired.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58But...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Mary, that's, that's what we do, we have a laugh! It's banter!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Banter!
0:24:04 > 0:24:05What do you mean?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Well, I knew it were you all along when you came in!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10We all knew!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Oh, right... Oh, what, because of my face?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Is that what gave it away, my face?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18When I knew it were you I had some fun.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I don't think you're a bad manager! I think you're brill!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26OMG, I think you're fan-tastic!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29What about the complaints?
0:24:29 > 0:24:34More jokes! I'm a practical joker! I'm like...George Clooney.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I were always going to write to Head Office
0:24:36 > 0:24:39and say it were a wind-up and we were just having a gas...
0:24:39 > 0:24:40I'll explain all that.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Right...
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Yeah. I...I knew it... I'm starting to get it now.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48DEREK LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It's hilarious!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Of course I were joking... - Yes, you were joking, it's so funny!
0:24:57 > 0:24:58I know!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00THEY BOTH LAUGH
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I knew you'd never betray me like that, Derek.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Ah, you got me! Oh, dear...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Ah.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14All right, I'll see you later then, sillypants!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18You haven't seen the last of me.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Sorry, what was that?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Just having more giggles, silly... you silly bitch!
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I don't know if this is exciting or incredibly depressing.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Mary called me into her office and gave me this.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Oh, well done! Your dad'll be pleased.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54It sound's stupid, cos I know it's only serving fried chicken to
0:25:54 > 0:25:57drunk people, but I'm kind of proud I got through it.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58On my own.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Bit of a coincidence that you call me in for an emergency,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06and then the entire staff disappears.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Yeah. Weird. Very weird.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Yeah.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Almost like someone called everyone and told them not to come in.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Really weird.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Really, really weird.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Thank you.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- What happened with the crocodile? - You know when someone's, like, too into you?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I'm like a free bird, man. Can't tie this shit down.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Don't clip my wings. I like women! All kinds of women!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Big women, short women, big titties, slightly less bigger titties,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49even bigger titties...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52women, women, women. Ain't no dick for Ed, no, sir!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55So does Amara want to have sex with you after you made her work
0:26:55 > 0:26:56the night shift all by herself?
0:26:56 > 0:26:57No.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Told you it was a shit idea.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- You know what your problem is? - Not really.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02You're not a sexual being.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04She sees you like her little brother or some shit.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- I know. - But that might not be a bad thing.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10In the paper last week, this brother and sister from Alabama had a baby.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Baby came out all weird, but still. The sister was fine.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- That's not...- And if I had a sister and she was hot,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I would totally watch her in the shower, know what I'm saying?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Ed, you DO have a sister.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Yeah, but she's not hot. And she locks the door now, anyway.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- BAD RUSSIAN ACCENT:- Hello. I am Vladimir.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Is this Seriously Fried Chicken?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- Oh, God.- I am new employee.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I come to be part of your team and win your trust and so forth...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Mary will never know what hit her.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Hey, Derek.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Shit.