0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14I love the last shift of the day.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17It's a real chance to sit back and take stock.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Literally. Because of stock checking.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22SHE CHUCKLES
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Erm, sorry, sir, we're closed.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I want some fuckin' McNuggets, man.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Excuse me?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30McNuggets? I want some?
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Erm...well, actually, erm, sir,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35the "Mc" Nugget is a registered trademark
0:00:35 > 0:00:37of the McDonald's corporation, erm...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Unless of course you mean our famous "Mock" Nuggets
0:00:39 > 0:00:41which are made from reconstituted soybits.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Get...me...my...McNuggets!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48OK, OK - Mary, could you please get him some McNuggets?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Yup...coming up. I'll just...
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I'll just go over to...HERE!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02DOOR SLAMS I'm sorry, Joe.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Just so you know, I'm not proud of what I'm doing!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16That'll be about three minutes.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Did you offer him a sauce?
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Do you want a sauce?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Yup.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Mr Bagshawe will see you now.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Good morning, Mr Wom.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Greetings, your highness.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Clive is fine.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Yes, he is!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Ha...sorry.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Angela said you had an urgent matter.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I do.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Feast your eye holes on this.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58This isn't the amateur pornography filmed at the Woking branch, is it?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Because I've reviewed that footage many, many times,
0:02:01 > 0:02:02from every available angle.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07This were taken last night from our CCTV camera.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12A man entered the premises with a knife and our manager,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Mary Fawn, left one of our staff for dead.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Why are you here?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Well, surely this kind of lily-livered cowardice
0:02:23 > 0:02:25is grounds for dismissal?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Well, she needs to go. You need a new manager.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32One who isn't afraid to come in to head office
0:02:32 > 0:02:34with their roommate's laptop and show you the truth.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36This isn't really enough.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41Oh, that's how it is. Not enough...
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Excuse me?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I happened to see in the company newsletter
0:02:44 > 0:02:46that you're a keen golfer.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Yes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Let's say you were to happen to receive a shiny new bag
0:02:52 > 0:02:55of golf sticks and balls,
0:02:55 > 0:03:00and let's say I were to be made manager instead of Mary.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Doesn't that sound like a lovely thing?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I actually have a meeting.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I'll be back.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09And I'll be seeing you later.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Please...don't.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14(I was never here.)
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Sorry, it's me mum's laptop.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I thought you said it was your roommate's?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Yes. She's my roommate.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Right...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I was never here.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Forgot me keys...
0:03:39 > 0:03:40I was never here.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Seriously Fried Chicken.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Ain't no thing like a... Argh!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Hey, what you doing? You can't creep up on me like that.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You're lucky I didn't drop-kick you like...mm!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Right. Scary. What's up with you?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The place got done last night by some chief with a blade.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00That's some serious shit.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Christ, was anyone hurt?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Don't worry about it, baby-girl.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Anyone wants to come in here and start some shit,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06I'm going to be like, "Hi-yah!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Uhhh...! Oh!
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Very reassuring.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Morning. Ed told me there was someone with a knife in here last night?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Yeah, I was on shift.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22God! You never imagine it could happen somewhere like this.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Really?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26OK, er...everyone. Beaks-up!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Erm, just a quick team meeting, that's it,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31just all, um...stop what you're doing.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Now, we need to talk about last night's..."incident".
0:04:35 > 0:04:40And let's lead with the positive here, OK?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That guy must've really liked our nuggets.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45So we're clearly doing something right!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47MARY CHUCKLES
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Look, this is, um...something called a Feelings Flow-Chart.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57This attack has been hard on all of us, OK?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01And we need to explore these feelings, not bottle them up.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05We need to talk and communicate. Let it flow.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Well, I actually am quite freaked out.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12All right, don't rabbit on about it, have a look at the flow chart.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17Now, if it happens again, I want you to all be on your guard, OK?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Just a little tip - if you are dealing with confrontation,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22it helps if you've got nothing left to live for.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25At least, that's what I've found
0:05:25 > 0:05:27since my soul mate Gareth kicked me out.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28It's like I always say -
0:05:28 > 0:05:30"Please don't leave me, Gareth! Please don't go!"
0:05:30 > 0:05:34What you giving us advice for? You ran and hid in the damn freezer!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37We nearly had to defrost your cowardly arse.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Well, I was actually...um...
0:05:40 > 0:05:41..looking for weapons,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43but there were none to be found.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Isn't that where we keep all our knives?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Yes, well, I'm glad that you made that point, actually, Amara.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Let's get those doors open, then, shall we?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:05:59 > 0:06:04Yes, fasten your seatbelts everyone - here comes the morning rush.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09And, er...what can we do for you this morning, sir?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10TRICKLING
0:06:10 > 0:06:11- MAN:- Ahh...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Joe, can you get the mop and bucket? Straight away.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh! Derek, hi - yes, come in, thank you.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Sit down.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Derek, why do you think you are deputy manager?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Because Bobby McAllister was found masturbating into the onion rings.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Oh - well, I...I'd just assumed
0:06:35 > 0:06:37it was cos you've worked here a very long time.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41And because you've got a wise head on your shoulders.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I need your head now, Derek.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I've lost the respect of my staff. They think I'm a coward.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51And it hurts, Derek, it hurts.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53You know, this is the lowest I've felt
0:06:53 > 0:06:55since Gareth insisted I see other people.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- You want to win back their respect? - Oh, more than anything.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02You know, all I've ever wanted from my team is respect.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04And impeccable fryer hygiene.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Or frygiene, as I like to say.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08No, I'm sorry. This is no time for levity.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Speak to me, Derek.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Give me your head.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Permission to speak freely, boss?
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Please do.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20It's going to take drastic measures. Morale is low.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Your cowardice left a bad taste in the mouth.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Like Bobby McAllister's onion rings.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29But I have to try.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Guide me, Derek.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Pour me a glass of your mind juices.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Tell them you're going to resign. Fall on your sword.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Tell them that's how ashamed you are of your behaviour.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44That you're a yellow-bellied good-for-nowt
0:07:44 > 0:07:49and they don't deserve those kind of willy-nilly leadership techniques.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Admit you're a festering boil
0:07:51 > 0:07:53on the knob-end of corporate oversight...
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Yes, OK, yes, I get it - thank you, Derek.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Yes, then they'll realise how much they need you
0:07:58 > 0:08:01and they'll be on their hands and knees begging you to stay.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05But...what if they don't realise I'm bluffing
0:08:05 > 0:08:06and they all just really want me to go?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- I mean, isn't that a bit dangerous? - Yes, it is.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13But, Mary, it's a risk I'm willing to let you take.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Thank you, Derek.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19You've been a true friend and colleague.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21A frolleague.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22No? It's a new word.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26So what's going on with you and Amara?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29What do you mean what's going on? There's nothing going on.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- She doesn't want to go out with me. - And you're letting that stop you?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I once nearly married a girl who put a restraining order on me.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39One man's stalking is another man's persistence, y'feel me?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- You want some advice? - Not really.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You're too ugly for her, bro.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Right, now, see, what you've done there
0:08:44 > 0:08:47is you've confused the word "advice" with the word "abuse".
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I'm just being honest. That's what best friends are for.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52We're not friends. You just keep talking to me.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56She's gorgeous. You're not. It's like Beauty and the Beast.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58And - no offence, mate - but you're the beast.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I got that.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01In Beauty and the Beast, yeah,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03she's basically just getting it on with a lion, right?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Sure, he's got a nice little suit on,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07but it's still tantamount to bestiality.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- You're not helping. - Ugh...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I'll tell you what you do -
0:09:13 > 0:09:14show her some romance.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Wait till she's not on shift and she orders a pizza.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22You knock on the door and you go, "Big sausage pizza delivery".
0:09:22 > 0:09:25You've got the pizza box down here by your balls,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28you open the lid and guess what's poking out through the middle?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29A topping she didn't order.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Your penis! Bang!
0:09:31 > 0:09:32I don't think that'll work.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Why? It's funny, it's clever, it's a great icebreaker.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Well it's not going to work
0:09:38 > 0:09:40because A, it's basically sexual assault
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and B, we don't deliver pizza.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46So negative, man. But you'll change your mind.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48And, when you do, make sure you let the pizza cool first,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51cos third-degree burns on your dick are no fun.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00You know how mayonnaise is made from eggs?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- I do now.- Well, whenever I eat chicken nuggets with mayonnaise,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I always feel bad for dipping the chicken
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- in the remains of its unborn children.- What?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That's why I can't eat hummus and falafel together either.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Cos those chickpeas could've been friends.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15I like you, Joe.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh, thanks, Shontal.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22You make me realise my dickhead son isn't such a fucking loser after all.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23SHE LAUGHS
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Still, can't believe we got robbed last night.- Yeah.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I mean, some guy put a knife to my throat,
0:10:28 > 0:10:29just cos he wanted some nuggets.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- So, what did you actually do? - Well, I just...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Beat him up. He beat him up, didn't you?- Ed...
0:10:34 > 0:10:37All the adrenaline got pumped up into him
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and he disarmed the perp, took him down.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Really?- Well, it wasn't quite like that.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Don't be so modest, man!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46He might not look like much, but he's taken self-defence classes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49He took that guy down, Street Fighter style.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Hadouken! Didn't he, Shontal?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Sure.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Why not?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Well...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58It's always the types you don't expect, isn't it?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Good on you, Joe.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Yeah, I...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04My natural instincts just kicked in, I suppose.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07That and my lightning-fast martial arts skills.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- And this next guy comes in...- Ed... - Right, he pulls a gun out and goes,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"Screw the nuggets, I'm going to rape you!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- He was going to rape you? - Uh, well...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17But it was cool, cos Joe was just like, "In your face, you rapist."
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Then he pulls out a kitchen knife and goes...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE - Bang!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- HE CRIES OUT - Agh!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Straight through the guy's arm, neutralised, that's exactly how it went down.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28That's not true.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31But I did disarm him.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33And he just ran out of there.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Like a big...
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- pussy.- That's...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40actually pretty impressive.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Yeah, that's my man, Joe.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46He also makes a mean big sausage pizza. Mm.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49With meatballs.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Thanks, Mike. That was a great meeting. See you next week.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57What are you doing here?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Oh, Mr Bagshawe. Fancy seeing you here.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I'm just here having a little date with a hoisin and duck wrap.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's going pretty well, I'll have you know.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11She's fully undressed and I can see right up her cucumber.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12OK.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Your branch isn't anywhere near here.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Straight to business, is it?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20That's why you're Clive Bagshawe, I suppose.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You don't get to become Clive Bagshawe
0:12:22 > 0:12:25by not getting straight down to business, do you?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I really must go, I have an appointment.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32Don't forget your nice new golfing sticks.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33HE STRAINS
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I think you'll find they're top of the range
0:12:38 > 0:12:41of the second-hand ones I could find on eBay.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I can't accept bribes, Mr Wom.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Sir, you should know, Miss Fawn is resigning.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- So you'll be looking for a new manager...- Mary? I...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- I don't think so. - Oh, I do think so.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55She'll be announcing it this afternoon.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00So, I'm going to put these golfing sticks
0:13:00 > 0:13:02into the back of your vehicle.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05And you're going to...
0:13:05 > 0:13:06drive away.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And no-one's going to know.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- This won't do, Derek. - Oh, not enough, is it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Not enough to grease your palm with?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I shall return, then.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25With more of that slippery, slippery grease you so enjoy.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Leave me alone.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I understand, My Liege.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Um, OK, just quickly, erm, can everyone just, erm,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46listen, just before the post-school rush, er, hits us.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I need to tell you all something,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52and it's about last night.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Erm, I admit it.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59I abandoned my post and I left Joe alone.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04But I need you all to know that I care about Seriously Fried Chicken.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I mean, it's all I think about since Gareth and I parted ways
0:14:07 > 0:14:09after that awkward camping holiday.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11I love this place.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I yearn...
0:14:14 > 0:14:19for its success. In fact, I love it so much
0:14:19 > 0:14:23and I respect you all so much,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25that after my actions,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I am left with no choice here.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30No choice...
0:14:30 > 0:14:31but to resign.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Unless of course anyone has any, er...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42objections?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47INDISTINCT Right.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50So, I mean, I'd leave. You know, I wouldn't work here any more.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I'm going to walk out of those doors...
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Today! Yeah.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02Today, I'm going to leave here and go out into a world
0:15:02 > 0:15:05where, I'll be honest here, I don't have too much going on.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08There's my family. Well, yes, but my father left when I was small,
0:15:08 > 0:15:13it was just mother and I, or Susan, as she preferred to be addressed.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16We parted ways one mother's day, or Susan's Day.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Anyway, this is, er, this is how it's going to be. I'm, er,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22quitting.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24This is how the cookie has crumbled.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Right, I suppose I have to leave now, cos I've quit.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Quite publicly.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Right, off I go.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Just, erm, just go and pack up my things.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Bye, then.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Oh, Derek.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Stick a spork in me.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I'm done.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Well, you've had a good run.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I wanted to walk in the footsteps
0:16:07 > 0:16:10of other great leaders that have trodden this path.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Ronald McDonald.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Colonel Sanders.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17The Burger King.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19But how am I supposed to grow a global corporation
0:16:19 > 0:16:22if I let my team down like I did like that?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24You know, a great person once said,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26"How am I going to grow a global corporation
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"if I let my team down like I did like that?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30That person was you.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You were a great leader.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34But now it's time to leave.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37And, maybe before you do, call Bagshawe
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and tell him to appoint a new leader.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh, I don't know, Derek.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Maybe it was time to pack it all in anyway.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50I could do something crazy. You know, change my life completely.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Pizza or something.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Yes, something like that. Now go on, get out of here. Piss off.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I know what you're doing, Derek.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59You want me to stay,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02so you're using reverse psychology. Well, it's too late.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Even though I love this place more than anything in the world.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I mean, more than I love the children I could've had with Gareth
0:17:10 > 0:17:13if he hadn't insisted on finishing on the bath-mat.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16No, it's time for me to leave.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19But it's good to know that someone cares about me being here.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Right, yes. I'll take good care of her.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I'll navigate the rocky shoals of customer satisfaction
0:17:24 > 0:17:26and whether we have enough cheese.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Dear God, I think we're out of cheese.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Well, I suppose I'd better be off, then.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I'll be fine, you know.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42MELANCHOLY MUSIC
0:17:55 > 0:17:56MUSIC CUTS OUT
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Hey, yo, mind the Reeboks, yeah?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Yeah, I just wanted to check that the items had been delivered.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08To a Mr Bagshawe.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11From Wom.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Derek Wom.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14'They were delivered today, sir.'
0:18:14 > 0:18:16OK, great.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19DANCE MUSIC
0:18:23 > 0:18:25TELEPHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Delivery for you, Clive.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35He's going to kill me, isn't he?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40You've got your attacker in a headlock and what you do is,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43you use their strength to flip them on to their back.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44It's kind of like...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46JOE STRAINS
0:18:47 > 0:18:49OK, I'm not going to do that right now,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52because it'd really hurt you, probably, break your back.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Could you please let me go?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59That's your first self-defence class.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Namaste, padawan.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Thanks, Joe.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04You've manage to make this job marginally less boring.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Hey, keep up with these lessons
0:19:06 > 0:19:08and soon you'll be able to take on Shontal.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Touch me and you'll need two nose jobs.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Mate, you're so in, you're practically inside her.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19You're dancing round her kidneys, man.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- I told you lying was the only way you'd get a slice. - We're really starting to bond.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It's like she sees me in a different light.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You know what you should do? Invite her on holiday.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Don't you think that's a bit soon? - Yeah, that's why it's brilliant.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Anyone can ask someone out on a date.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- DEEP VOICE:- Let's go cinema, let's go bowling.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37No-one ever says, "Come with me on holiday for, like, six weeks."
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Does that work? - Yeah, shows that you're serious.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Serious enough to invite them out to The Gambia on a whim.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43That's romance.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46If you're the girl, it's only polite to have sex with the guy
0:19:46 > 0:19:49who's taking you out to The Gambia on a whim. That's a long flight.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Hey, bruv, heard you like to give out free nuggets, innit?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56When did everyone start robbing chicken restaurants? There's a Nando's opposite.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- They make shitloads more than us! - Come on! Hurry up!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Your money or your nuggets, bitch! - Watch it, mate.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- It didn't end well for the last person who pointed a knife at this guy.- Oh, for real?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- You some kind of hero now? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10No. I didn't disarm anyone.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I just gave him the nuggets.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- I even threw in some fries and... - What?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16You lied?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- I just wanted to impress you. - Bruv, that's so gay.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21How's it gay if he's trying to impress a girl?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Shut it, chicken boy!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24And you, you better get that till open, yeah?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- DEREK:- Ugh! We're doomed!
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Drop your weapon!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Please don't hurt me. - I don't want to hurt you,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35but I'm the manager of Seriously Fried Chicken
0:20:35 > 0:20:37and I will defend to the death
0:20:37 > 0:20:41the brave men, women and children
0:20:41 > 0:20:43that work here.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45OK, I can see you are very brave.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I don't think I can...
0:20:48 > 0:20:49defeat you.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You are too strong as a manga.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Manager.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- What?- Ger.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Oh, right. As a mana-ger.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Oh! And as a beautiful, soft-skinned woman.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Gosh.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Now, get out of here!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20And that is how you handle an attacker.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24You know, I was willing to risk my life.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26And, you know, I don't know, I just think maybe that...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30proves how much I do deserve to run this place.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32See, I have a dream.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Yeah, that one day Seriously Fried Chicken will be the third,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39if not possibly joint second best
0:21:39 > 0:21:44fast food establishment in the whole of the Croydon area!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Come on, guys, let's all dream to...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51That man's back.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Jesus Christ.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04What the hell are you doing here?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05How do you know where I live?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Well, there's no law against following someone wherever they go.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10There actually is.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Here's the thing...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I may have made a bit of a mistake.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15What?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Bribing me? Stalking me?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Yes, that.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22But Mary isn't actually going anywhere. She's staying.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26And I got a bank loan out to buy all those things for you.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Except the blender, which I borrowed from my roommate.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- You mean your mother?- Yes.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32She loves to blend.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I should fire you for all this.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Oh, please don't.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I've given everything to Seriously Fried Chicken.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Please, I'm, I'm begging you.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47I'll keep the clubs.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49DEREK EXHALES DEEPLY
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Thank you, Mr Bagshawe.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Thank you.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55You've made me very happy.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58DEREK WHIMPERS
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Yo.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15What's tall, blonde, frothy and loves me to suck on it?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Er, beer?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Your mum in a bubble bath. Bang! - HE LAUGHS
0:23:20 > 0:23:22You should've asked her on holiday.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24My mum? Princess Jasmine!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Now you're going to have to stalk her proper.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Don't be ridiculous. - Love is crazy, man.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Sometimes love means following someone around,
0:23:32 > 0:23:33learning their routine,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- until you're ready to make your move.- What, you mean...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39use what you've learned to engineer a romantic encounter?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Nah. Copy her keys, wait till she's not in,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- and then put a webcam in the toilet. Bang!- That's horrible.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Only when she's taking a shit.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Listen, you want to come back to my place and watch Carrie?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- I don't really like horror films. - It's not a film.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It's a girl from one of my webcams.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:23:54 > 0:23:56That's my ride, I got to go. See you later.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Yo, Mum, you're five minutes late.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01And you best have my damn car snacks, woman!
0:24:04 > 0:24:05See you tomorrow.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Hey, I'm sorry about lying to you before.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10If you wanted to impress me, you could've just been yourself.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13What, so you're saying if I'm myself you might want to go out with me?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14No.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I'm just saying you don't have to try so hard.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20So, if I don't try so hard, then...
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Night, Joe.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Do you want to go to the Gambia?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33JOE SIGHS
0:24:33 > 0:24:35There we go, £100, as agreed.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39You're no Olivier, my friend, but I think they bought it!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Gobbled it up, like a three wing boneless combo!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- I want more.- Excuse me?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Deal's changed. I want more than 100 quid.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Now, listen, I will not be intimidated by you, you hear? I'm...
0:24:51 > 0:24:52MARY SCREAMS
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Ah, OK, it's the hero again.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Mary, what are you doing? Let me in!
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I'm sorry, Joe, I'm angrier with myself than you could ever be!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03You want to bet?
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Aim for his face, Joe! That's basic self-defence!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I really need to get a new job.