0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:12 > 0:00:13It all happened last night.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16I was working really hard, when the fittest girl walked in.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19She was all over me, yeah? But I played it cool.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23And just when I thought things couldn't get any better, I saw it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Behold!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29God, have you seen that new busker? He's fit.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32It's nice to see tramps finally stepping their game up.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34You don't call them tramps. You call them "the homeless".
0:00:34 > 0:00:36And he's not that fit.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Behold!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Wish there was a way I could talk to him.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I walk past him every morning, but I can't just say hello.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Not when he's sitting on the floor.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- BEHOLD, bruv!- What?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's Jesus on a nugget! This is my ticket out of here!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51I'm gone!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It looks like eyes and a mouth. Maybe.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Like Jesus!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Like every human in history.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I'm going to make mad stacks, bro. People eat up this religious stuff.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Time for me to achieve my lifelong dream. I'm going to "uni-verk-sity".
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- That's surprisingly adult. - Yeah, going to study gynaecology.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10It's the science of vaginas.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Your Jesus smells weird.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Yeah, it'd been under the bin. - Think it'd been there a while.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Ugh!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23That's it, and just a little to the left, Shontal,
0:01:23 > 0:01:24we don't want it to be at an angle.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You'll be at a fucking angle.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34How do they come up with these new ideas? Chicken Balls.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I like to imagine the country's finest minds all
0:01:37 > 0:01:40gathered in a lab, testing the limits of what chicken can do.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Putting it in a ball shape. Genius(!)
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Gareth always liked round food.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Peas. Grapes. Sometimes tomatoes.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53He had an orange once.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57This is getting stupid. You want to get over that man?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59You get under someone else. You hear?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Oh, no, but I was always on top with Gareth!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Yeah, cos we used to do role-play.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Erm, so, I'd be the kidnapper on top, and then he'd be
0:02:07 > 0:02:11the kidnap victim, just, erm, lying there silently underneath me
0:02:11 > 0:02:13like he didn't want to be there.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Oh, God, that's rank.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19You young people act like you invented sex. Well, you didn't.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Every new position, every new kink, your grandparents did it first.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Same bits, same fluids, same holes.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Mary, he's doing it again!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Penny in the jar, please, Derek!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34HE SCOFFS
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Why's it creepy when I talk about sex?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I've had more hot sex than you've had hot dinners.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I've got life experience.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45No, you don't!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47You know, I'm sick and tired of this constant persecution!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"Stop talking about sex, Derek", "Penny in the jar, Derek",
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"Those shorts aren't work appropriate, Derek".
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Look, I am not a number! I'm a human being!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Ugh. Why do we have to do this?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Ed's the one who uses the fryer as a bin.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Is that a trainer?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11(SIGHING) Ah, yes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13We were pretty cool back then.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16HE MAKES TRUMPET-LIKE SOUND
0:03:18 > 0:03:20HE SIGHS LOUDLY
0:03:20 > 0:03:22You really want us to ask about the photo, don't you?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Oh, this old thing? Oh, it's nothing.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's just me and the old band.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30The band, I, Derek Wom, used to be in.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Cool enough for you?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Wait. Remember in English,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42when I used to keep asking Mr Campbell about his divorce?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44We never did any work!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Watch. I'm getting me out of this.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49You were in a band, Derek?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We called ourselves The Wom Trick Ponies.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Because of me surname, Wom, and the saying...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- We get it. - That's SO interesting!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Had to knock it on the head, though, when my career got in the way.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You gave up music for this?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Well, pop stars come and go,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06but Seriously Fried Chicken is a job for life.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08If I wanted women throwing their knickers at me,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I'd take the Thursday post-bingo shift.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14But it's not my cuppa joe, Joe.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Do you ever wonder if you could've made it big?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18What if you dropped dead tomorrow?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20We'd have to find cover for Friday!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And you'd never know what you could've achieved.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23SHE GASPS
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You should do a reunion!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And, you know, if you can't get everyone together,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31maybe you could find a new member.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35I don't know. Anyone, someone off the street, maybe.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37The fryer won't clean itself.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Joe can do it!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Don't let a little work get in the way of your dreams, Derek!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Let me help you.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I suppose I could dig out me old trousers.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51It's been years since I crammed me misters into the girdle.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You know what?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Let's do it!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Have fun!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Oh, what about him?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06He's reading the newspaper!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09One of the big ones! Oh, he's probably a lawyer!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12He probably just jets off around the globe, being a lawyer.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Oh, maybe he'll take me to Paris!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And we'll go and visit the Eiffel Tower,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19and we'll dance the night away, beneath the, erm...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Well, the Eiffel Tower!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Oh, no, I'm being stupid, he's too good for me, forget it.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29He's eating chicken in a chicken shop by himself.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30He's not Richard Branson.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Go talk to him.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36You're right. I'll do it!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39This is a new start for Mary Fawn.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41A new Fawn, if you will!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Hello, customer!- H-hi.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I'm Mary, erm, I'm the manager.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57Erm, would you mind taking part in a short survey today?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00In return you'll get this preview box
0:06:00 > 0:06:02of Seriously Fried Chicken Chicken Balls.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It's... Well, it's a whole new way to enjoy chicken.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Oh!- They're round!- Thanks.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Great! Erm, well, firstly, just your name, age and, erm, er...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15relationship status.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Trevor.
0:06:18 > 0:06:1933.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Single.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29That's great. Erm, OK, and, erm, out of ten, erm,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31one being lowest, ten being highest,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34how would you rate your experience here, er, today?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Six.- Seven!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40That's great.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42And how would you rate the management, erm,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46ie, moi, erm, here today?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Seven?- Seven!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Seven.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01And lastly, just, erm, er, your, er, just your telephone number, please.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Erm, just, you know, if you don't mind?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Just in case we have any further inquiries.- Zero...
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Seven...
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Chicken Jesus! Two quid a look! Pray to him for a fiver!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Any luck?- Does nobody have respect for religion any more?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23At this rate, I'll never get to pussy college!
0:07:23 > 0:07:24It's a loss to medical science.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Maybe if you pray to it, you'll get with Amara.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28You need a miracle.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29I don't need a miracle!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31She'll eventually see me for the nice guy I am.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I just need to keep standing near her for long enough.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Suit yourself.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40(Please, Chicken Jesus...)
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- HE PRAYS QUIETLY - Five quid!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47What you doing?! That took me ages to get straight!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51We got a memo from head office. The balls are being withdrawn.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Something about a manufacturing error or something.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Erm, do you think Trevor will like this, er, new lipstick?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02The lady in the shop said it made my face look "less sallow"?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Just call the damn man!
0:08:05 > 0:08:06OK.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08But you made me do this!
0:08:08 > 0:08:09MARY CHUCKLES
0:08:12 > 0:08:13PHONE RINGS
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Hello?- Hey, Trevor!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20'It's Mary, erm, from Seriously Fried Chicken!'
0:08:20 > 0:08:21MARY GIGGLES
0:08:21 > 0:08:24On a scale of one to ten, how satisfied are you to hear from me?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25SHE GIGGLES
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, sorry about, er, adding you on Facebook.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Your picture's the one with the cat in it, erm, isn't it?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37(IN HIGHER, SQUEAKY VOICE) Um... This isn't Trevor.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Erm, Trevor's... Erm...
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Trevor's dead.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46What?!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Erm, sorry. Goodbye!
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Well, that's all of them.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Peter wants to spend time with his new grandkids
0:09:00 > 0:09:02and Barry's busy with his so-called "dialysis",
0:09:02 > 0:09:04and Frank's dead.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07So, that's it. The old gang, gone forever.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Scattered to the earth.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Lost, like...tears in the rain.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Hey, I've got a great idea! Why don't you find a replacement?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18What about that guy?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22What, hire a tramp?! A junkie?!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26You don't want someone on drugs in a rock band.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28They're unreliable!
0:09:28 > 0:09:29You can't call them tramps.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You have to call them homeless people.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35And you can't say he's on drugs, that's really offensive.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38This is Noah.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40He'd just love to be in the band. Right, Noah?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Well, if you want me to be.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43You walk past me every day.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I've been wanting to talk to you for ages.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I was going to say the same thing to you!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Hang on there, son.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I don't let just anybody into my magic circle,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54especially not a man with a -
0:09:54 > 0:09:58face of a Greek god, carved from the finest marble?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Yet you're out there on the streets, scraping a living, homeless?!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, no, I'm not homeless.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Not any more, you're not!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11You can sleep here if you like. You can kip under the sauce shelf.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15And each morning, I'll feed you offcut goujons from my own hands.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Seriously, I'm just a busker.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21You'll do! Come along, I'll teach you all the hits!
0:10:21 > 0:10:22That's it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- He's perfect!- Him? He's a tramp! He's probably on drugs!
0:10:27 > 0:10:28You can't fancy him!
0:10:28 > 0:10:29He's so rugged.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32He's probably got nothing but the guitar and the clothes on his back.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35You can tell he's tortured deep inside.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37My dad's going to hate him!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43How can Trevor just die like that?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47There was no history of family illness, no heart disease,
0:10:47 > 0:10:48no rickets...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50He wasn't dead.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It was a lie to get out of going out with you.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55What would you know about his rickets?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I asked him about it when we were flirting.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03What? I just wanted our children to be healthy!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Hang on a second!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13First of all, the only person to have eaten those chicken
0:11:13 > 0:11:17balls suddenly dies, and then they withdraw them without warning!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Oh, you know what this means?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It means you're coming up with crazy theories to explain
0:11:21 > 0:11:23why he turned you down.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I know when someone's into me, Shontal. He gave me a seven.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28MARY SIGHS
0:11:28 > 0:11:33No, there is definitely something fishy going on here.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Some sort of poisonous Chicken Balls cover-up.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And I'm going to get to the bottom of it!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44# Big, big, big, girl! #
0:11:44 > 0:11:45AMARA CHEERS
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Wow! I smell something.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Oh, the ladies is backed up.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I smell magic. We're back in business.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I'm thinking a comeback gig, tonight. We'll pack this place!
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Seriously? A gig in a chicken shop? Is there nowhere else?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Ah, no, I was thinking about what you said, Joe,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07about how I quit music to be a chicken man,
0:12:07 > 0:12:08and maybe I was wrong.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11See, I thought that there were chicken, and there were music,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13and nary the twain could mix.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17But since those days, it's been done, Joe! It's been done!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You know, the Chicken Dance! The Chicken Tonight theme tune!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23That song about KFC!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25So, I have to prove to meself.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Have the gig here.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Show that music and chicken can live in harmony and...
0:12:31 > 0:12:35only then will I be master of both worlds.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36You're so weird.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Tonight? I'm not sure.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I've got my pitch outside, and if I'm not playing,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- I'm losing money, so... - I can do backing vocals!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- I'm in.- That's the spirit! Yes, the three of us,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49up here together, practising all day.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Who knows what we'll all get up to?
0:12:56 > 0:12:57PHONE RINGS
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Hello?- 'Mr Bagshawe. It's Mary.'
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- I know.- Excuse me?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I know. I know about the Chicken Balls.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07I know what they are.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13Yes, a crunchy herbed exterior with a soft 54% chicken interior.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16What's in them, Clive? What's REALLY in them?
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Fine. It's 36% chicken if you don't include the beaks and the feet.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23What are you getting at?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Why are you recalling the Chicken Balls?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28There's something wrong with them, isn't there?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31We are recalling them. That's all you need to know.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Now drop this, Mary, that's an order.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36What was in the balls, Clive?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38What was in the balls?!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45(Oh, God.)
0:13:46 > 0:13:47It was me.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm the one that gave Trevor those Chicken Balls.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh... I killed him!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Mary? Er...
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Derek and a busker are playing music on the roof.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Could you tell them to stop?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Joe, just a casual question.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Do you know if you can bring your own underwear to prison?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I have a prescription bra is all, so...
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I just thought there might be noise complaints, maybe.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17My cat, Lionel.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20He's such a gentle soul. Like you.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Promise me that if I do have to...
0:14:23 > 0:14:27go away, you'll give him a good home, won't you?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31He was run over last year, so you'll have to express him manually.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Just slide a finger in his anal cavity every day to empty it.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38You know what? I think I'm going to leave you to it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Goodbye, Joe!
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Remember me!
0:14:46 > 0:14:51And look, two eyes and a mouth. Just like the famous Jesus himself!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Yes, I can see that.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Now, I know what you're thinking, and, yes,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57you bless it, show it to the guys down the church,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59then we split the profits 50-50.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I was told on the phone that someone had been hit by a car,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06and I was needed urgently to perform the last rites.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Please. I need this. I'm trying to fund my education!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14My son, I'll say this in the nicest possible way.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19This is a piece of chicken. It's gone mouldy.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22It has nothing to do with Jesus.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Well, you're not the only Jesus game in town!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Going to get a bidding war going. You'll see!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Was there a car crash here?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It was an accident. I didn't mean to.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I mean, you know that, don't you, God?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37You're not angry with me.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40If you are, then send me a sign.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43SHE GASPS
0:15:44 > 0:15:45I must clear my name!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I must solve the case of the poisoned Chicken Balls
0:15:48 > 0:15:49before it's too late!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# Fa, so, la....
0:15:52 > 0:15:54# La, la, la, la, la
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# Ti...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58# Do, do, d... #
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Great news! I asked Mary if we could have our gig here.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Didn't think she'd say yes, but she did!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And then she started crying and promised to never forget me,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07which was weird.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Our first gig! The band's back together.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Oh, this is so exciting!
0:16:13 > 0:16:17It's been years since Derek Wom felt a member of something!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20And now, Derek Wom is feeling a big member!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Want to do something after the gig?
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Just us.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Yeah!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Something really dangerous and violent!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35My dad wants me home early.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37He's got no idea.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I was thinking more like Pizza Express?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Ah.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43(Right.)
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Derek? You're in there, right?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I was fine with you bringing the band back and all,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51but did you have to bring in Amara? She's...
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Oh, my God.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55The Derek Wom you knew is dead.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00I am Derek Wrong, wandering wizard-poet.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03A being of limitless sexuality,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05who also happens to fry a mean drumstick.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10My stage alter ego. We all had them in the '80s! What do you think?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14I think that creepy jar will have enough cash in it to buy a boat.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Ah, I've missed this.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Maybe I were a fool to give it all up.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18For the first time ever,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I'm thinking maybe I'm not living life to the full.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I could go back on the road!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Really? I don't think life could get much better than this.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27You should stay!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Come be a roadie for us if you like! The older lasses go mad for it!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34And what happens in t'back of t'van stays in t'back of t'van.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- If only cos it's rarely cleaned. - Just...
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Just make Amara stay.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Oh, don't worry. We'll drop her off at the first services.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Then Noah and I can drive off into the sunset!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Ooh, talking of which - Noah?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53I have your costume!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I give up, bruv! No-one's paying to see a piece of chicken
0:18:02 > 0:18:04that looks like Jesus. I'll never make it to uni!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07If it helps, I don't think being a gynaecologist would be
0:18:07 > 0:18:08- as good as you think anyway. - You what?!
0:18:08 > 0:18:12It's not like porn, Ed. Some of those vaginas are going to be...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- old people vaginas. - Oh, God! Is it?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Maybe I'm deluded.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Maybe I should let Amara follow her dreams.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22If you love something, set it free.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Nah, bruv. If you love something, get it pregnant. Then marry it.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28That's what my parents did. Didn't work out in the end.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31OK. That would mean having sex with her,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- which brings us back to... - Good point.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Oh, well, back where you came from!
0:18:42 > 0:18:47- Mary?!- I have been driving myself potty, wondering what was in those
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Chicken Balls, wondering why you've been covering it up.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I'm right, aren't I?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Well, now a man has died because of your dirty, infected balls!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Oh! Oh, and you thought you could sweep it under the carpet and no-one
0:19:00 > 0:19:03would notice? Well, it's still making a big lump under there
0:19:03 > 0:19:05and I keep tripping over the lump and going,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07"What the fuck is under the carpet?!"
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Well, it's your lies! And I will expose you!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I will expose your balls to the world!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I'm going to have to call you back, everyone.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- ON THE PHONE:- OK.- Bye!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26BEEP
0:19:26 > 0:19:28What the dickens do you think you're doing?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I don't care. I'm n... I'm not ashamed.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31At least you know what I am now.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33SHE IMITATES WHISTLE
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I'm a whistle-blower. That was me blowing my whistle.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41The Chicken Balls are not dangerous, Mary.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44They're just not Halal, so we had to recall them.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Oh.- I should fire you for insubordination.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53But...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I admire your integrity.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I'd like to think that every Seriously Fried Chicken
0:19:57 > 0:20:00employee would act as you did, Mary.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01It makes me feel so very proud.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07This song is about me one true love.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09GUITAR FEEDBACK
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Ow!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13# When you're feeling lo-ow
0:20:13 > 0:20:15# And you got nowhere to go
0:20:15 > 0:20:18# There's a place that's just for you-oo
0:20:18 > 0:20:20# We got thighs, we got breasts
0:20:20 > 0:20:23# We got wings and dippers, too
0:20:23 > 0:20:26# So, come on down to the chicken place
0:20:26 > 0:20:27# The chips are hot
0:20:27 > 0:20:29# And the dips are ace...
0:20:32 > 0:20:33# At the Seriously...
0:20:33 > 0:20:37# F-F-F-Fried Chicken shop!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40# Ow! Yeah! Ha! #
0:20:40 > 0:20:41GUITAR FEEDBACK
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Ah! Isn't this great?- I thought you said it'd be packed.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh, you just wait. Once the pubs kick out,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51this place can have up to as many as ten customers at once!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Wait.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Why aren't you wearing the outfit I got you?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56I'd really rather not.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I will not be made to look stupid, Noah!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02No matter how rugged and handsome a lad you may be, I will not
0:21:02 > 0:21:05let my magic circle be penetrated by selfish fucking tramps!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Right! Well, I quit.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Amara, you coming?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- You're the only reason I'm here anyway.- God, yes.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Amara...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Joe.- Just listen.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I've been a dick about you and Noah. So, I'm sorry.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22And if you'll have me, I'd love for us to be friends.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Oh, Joe...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Amara. Do you want a lift?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Wait. You have a car?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Yeah.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I'm not going to bring all my gear on the bus, am I?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35But...you're a busker.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You're meant to be poor.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You're meant to be a dangerous rebel!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I told you. I'm not homeless.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Mum left me a house. I just do this for the beer money.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Plus, I love the music.- God!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- My dad would love you.- Thanks!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53No, not "thanks"! You're not a rebel.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55You're no better than...Joe!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yeah! Wait, what?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Sorry. You're not the person I thought you were.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05But I've waited weeks just to talk to you.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I spent a day in an old man's band just to...
0:22:07 > 0:22:08The lady said no.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12NOAH SIGHS
0:22:14 > 0:22:17What you said before, about us being friends,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20it was really nice. I'm going to need a good friend now,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22cos after Noah, I just want to go out
0:22:22 > 0:22:24and get with the first guy I see!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Anyone! Even you!
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Had you not just said all that nice stuff just now.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30See you later, Joe.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Everyone, I'm back!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Don't.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oh, Shontal. Never change!
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Derek!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I tried to follow my dreams and everything turned to crap.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I got my heart broken by a busker.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55But you're alive!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59And there are so many wonderful things out there in the world!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02The smell of a home-cooked ready meal!
0:23:02 > 0:23:03The sound of an X Factor,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06one of the good early ones with all the mad people!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I mean, who cares about fame? You've got life!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Could be worse. Could be Derek.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Could be worse. Could be Joe.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- What?!- That's the spirit!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17All's well that ends well.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20All the loose ends tied up.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Hello.- Trevor?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25I came to get some nuggets.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28And to beg for your forgiveness.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I told a terrible lie the other day, and I can't get it out of my head.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39I just got out of a long relationship and I...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I panicked.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45But the way I acted, it was unforgivable.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47TIMER BEEPS
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, it was nothing. Erm, no, I didn't mind.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Trevor, was it?- No.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I mind. It was wrong.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59If you could...give me a second chance?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Erm, well, we'll see.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Erm... Maybe, cos I'm actually quite busy at the moment, so, erm...
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Yeah. Maybe I'll call you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11There you go. Cheers.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19SHE GIGGLES
0:24:19 > 0:24:20He's in love with me!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22SHE GIGGLES MANIACALLY
0:24:25 > 0:24:29OK, Mary, play it cool, play it caz.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30SHE GIGGLES
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Here goes nothing!
0:24:32 > 0:24:33TREVOR'S PHONE RINGS
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Hello, erm, Trevor?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- WOMAN ON PHONE:- I'm sorry.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Trevor's very ill.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Food poisoning.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Oh, come on! What, you really think I'm going to fall for that?
0:24:45 > 0:24:50'Twice? You are a pathetic, disgusting coward, Trevor!'
0:24:50 > 0:24:52What, you think you're too good for me?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Oh, well, guess what? That was your last chance,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56because the Mary express has left the station!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Destination, Self-Respect...Station, calling at Confidence Junction
0:25:00 > 0:25:03and all stations to Positive Thinking!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Was that Mary?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10HE VOMITS
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Nice one!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Who needs him? I'm a new woman.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And it's time to live life to the full!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30OK, back to work, everyone.