0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Seriously Fried Chicken! Seriously Fried Chicken!
0:00:33 > 0:00:3650% off for fit girls! Almost as delicious as me!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- I'd like to apologise for any inconvenience...- Inconvenience?!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43My son found a condom in his burger!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Would you believe me if I said it was a free toy?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I'm so sorry.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I assure you, we here at Seriously Fried Chicken value customer service
0:00:51 > 0:00:54above all else, so if there's anything we can...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Would you mind keeping it down, love?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01It's just I'm on a massive come-down and your voice sounds so bad.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Hey!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I was wondering where that had gone.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I demand to see your manager.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12That is our manager.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Hey, Tony. Not my place to say. But maybe stop doing drugs at work.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I really need to get a new job.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Come on, Mary. You can do this.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31- You are a tiger. You're a sexy business tiger.- Excuse me.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Is everything all right?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I'm sorry. It's just that I've never done this before.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I've never come face-to-face with Clive Bagshawe.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40In my opinion,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43the finest regional manager Seriously Fried Chicken's ever had.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45PHONE RINGS
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Yep.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Thanks.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Mr Bagshawe will see you now.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55KNOCK ON DOOR
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Ah, Mary.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Sorry to keep you waiting. - Mr Bagshawe...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Oh, bloody shit!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09I'm so thrilled to finally meet you, Mr Bagshawe.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Please, call me Clive.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16So, Mary, how are you finding our HR department?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Great.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Ever since my soul mate Gareth left me,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23this job has pretty much been my life,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27and a job won't cheat on you with your mother's carer.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31So what I'm saying really is that everything is great.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36So...this social interaction has been pleasant, but now to business.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39What do you know about our Croydon restaurant?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Croydon? Well, it's our worst branch.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Last in profit, first in food poisoning.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49They account for 90% of the complaints we receive.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Sorry.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Shouldn't raise my voice.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Just makes me incredibly angry.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00I also hear the manager has a bit of a problem surrounding...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02being a big old junkie.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yes, we need to let poor Tony go.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- Without wishing to be too graphic, he shat in a bap.- Oh.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Which brings me to my point.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16We need someone to manage Croydon while a replacement is found.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I would like that someone to be Mary Fawn.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- That's you, Mary.- Oh. Oh!
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Oh, well, I mean... I do have excellent people skills.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32And a degree in business management from a university.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Hm.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Plus, your department seemed very keen for you to go.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Oh, really?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Well, that's nice.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You'll be there for one week.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Are you up to it?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Clive, I promise you, I will turn that place around.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I swear it on the paper mache Gareth I have under my bed.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'd like a quarter-pound Chicks-plosion.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- Excuse me. Hello.- Urgh. What is it?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Finally. Thank you.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Please can I have a quarter-pound Chicks-plosion?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Fuck it. I'm going to Nando's.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Hey, Amara. Crazy about Tony, right?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Like, who will be manager? - Couldn't care less.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25When I go home I try and forget I was ever here.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Which is hard when you permanently smell of batter.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Yeah. But maybe it's not all bad.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Like, you got your work friendships
0:04:32 > 0:04:35and who knows what they can turn into.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- What's that?- Oh, it's just Dane.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- You two still an item?- Yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44He's at the gym. He keeps sending me Snapchats.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Isn't he fit?- Wow!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50You must be very attracted to him...sexually?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Which is so cool. - Morning my little chicks and cocks.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Derek, you seem happy.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Oh, I am indeed.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59With that druggie degenerate gone,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01who's first in line for the manager's job, eh?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03None other than Mr Derek Wom.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08And so the assistant manager becomes the manager.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Oh, you'll regret such incidents when I'm manager.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Apparently head office have sent some corporate drone
0:05:16 > 0:05:19to watch over us. That's what they're saying anyway.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I bet they're secretly here to decide
0:05:21 > 0:05:23which of us should be the next manager.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Hello, there. My name's... - Shut your damn face!
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I'm Mary. Mary Fawn.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Oh! You're Mary Fawn? - Yes, that's right. So I'll be...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Shut your damn face!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Hi. You must be Mary from head office.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Derek Wom. Assistant Manager.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46For now. Sorry about Shontal.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48She will have thought you were a customer.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50But that's still not good.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Very nice to meet you, Derek.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Our humble establishment is blessed by your corporate know-how
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and thick shiny hair.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I for one will be honoured to be your trusted guide/confidant.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03In fact...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07..I'll be anything you want.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Thank you.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Great to be here. Thanks.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Can I just have a quick word, everyone?
0:06:17 > 0:06:22I'm Mary Fawn and as your interim leader, well, I believe that together
0:06:22 > 0:06:27we can make Seriously Fried Chicken the finest eatery in all of mouse...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Oh, my God! There's a mouse!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, that's just Vinny. He keeps himself to himself.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Well, I'll just go and find my office.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39See you in a bit.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47So, Amara, what made you want to work at Seriously Fried Chicken?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Well, I wrecked my dad's car, so he made me get a job to pay him back.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Did everything I could to screw up the interview,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55but turns out his place will hire anyone.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58I'm a chicken man, born and bred.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Been working here since it were a Wimpy.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02So, Ed...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05How would you sum up Seriously Fried Chicken in just one word?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Bad chicken shop.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09That's three, innit?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12How about just like "shop"? What's the question again?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Where do you see yourself in five years' time?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Here.- Anywhere but here.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Really like to have a girlfriend.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25OK, so we open on this helicopter shot of Malibu. Zoom in.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Who's that by the pool, chilling by his mansion?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29That's right. It's me.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I sometimes wonder why after all these years of service
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I'm still just assistant manager.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38But it's not like I've got a white-hot fire of rage
0:07:38 > 0:07:42burning within me every waking moment.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I become this super cool Scarface kind of guy.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49But little do I know, Vincenzo, my best friend, is setting me up!
0:07:49 > 0:07:53And what would you say you've learned from your role here?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Don't eat the spicy chicken taco. We call it the arse-pocalypse.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02The mansion's surrounded. Someone kicks the door in. Oh, shit!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04It's the Yakuza!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08But little do they know that this bad boy's got a grenade launcher.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15How would you rate your job satisfaction,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19with one being totally unsatisfied and five being very satisfied?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I'll put you down as very satisfied, OK?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Vincenzooooooo!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33So ideally that's me in, like, five years.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35No wonder this branch is having problems.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38The staff are all totally dysfunctional.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Improving customer service will take all my managerial skill.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46I have faith in you, boss. You are as wise as you are sultry.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Oh, lordy loo, this back of yours is tense.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55More knots than you'd find in a hardcore bondage club. I imagine...
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Amara's so amazing. The way she texts. The way she wrinkles her nose.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03The way she says "Stop staring at me, you fucking weirdo".
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I remember the first time she said that to me.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It was our first day in sixth form, and I was staring at her,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and she says, "Stop staring at me, you fucking weirdo".
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I know. You've told me that 15 times.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Joe, speaking as your best friend...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Well, we've only known each other for like, two weeks.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I'm going to let that go cos we're best friends.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24You should stop whining like a little bitch and do something.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Seal the deal if you get me. Hm?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Sex, yeah? It's what I'm doing with my fingers. It's what it means.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I got that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And believe me, that's what I want.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That's what I've wanted since school.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40She's the only reason I work here.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- But she's got a boyfriend. - True that.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44And he's a total knockout.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Piercing eyes, rock hard abs, enigmatic smile that says,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"Come, get to know me.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"Yeah. Just over here. You.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"Not you. You."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That's not helping.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Point is, if you're going to win over a guy like that,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04you've got to play dirty. Any means necessary.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Trust me man, I love the ladies.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17You should see me when I'm handing these out. Total masterclass.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19What, in a sexually inappropriate behaviour?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20It's just bants! Having some fun.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Show me a lady who doesn't like to be told she's got nice big tits
0:10:23 > 0:10:27and I'll show you a nice big-titted liar, my friend.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Just flirting. - How do you flirt dressed like that?
0:10:30 > 0:10:31This costume's the shit.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Creates a mental association, yeah.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Girls look at me and they think, massive cock.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Yeah. That's true.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Damn right.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- Did you see that BBC 2 documentary on marine wildlife?- Fuckin' hell!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Sorry, I just think fish are interesting.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Dane sent me a dick pic! - Bastard!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04No! I mean the text says, "Check this out, Ashleigh!" Look!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oi! Who the hell is Ashleigh?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Well, that was predictably huge.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Poor Amara. I can't believe Dane's cheating on her.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Mate, don't you see?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19This is the perfect time for you to make your move.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Her relationship's dead. Time for you to swoop in like a sex vulture.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26SQUAWKS
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I don't know. She seemed really upset.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Mate, that emotion shit makes women feels mega horny!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34One minute you're their shoulder to cry on,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37the next minute you're their dick to sit on.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39By any means necessary!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Hey there. How you holding up, slugger?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I mean, I imagine not well, given what literally just happened.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Me and Dane broke up.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Why would he do something like this to me? Am I not enough for him?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Is it because I smell of batter the whole time?- Dane's an idiot.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Any guy would be lucky to spend their life sending dick pics to you.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Thanks, mate.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I can't believe he'd abuse my trust like this.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Yeah, men are awful.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35So, my attempt to improve customer service over the last few days
0:12:35 > 0:12:38has not been a complete, erm, success.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41In fact, we've received a record number of complaints.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45So, I have designed an employee reward system.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Something I learned back in HR.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I call it Mary's Eggs.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Not the eggs that remain unfertilised now that Gareth's gone!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Erm...
0:12:58 > 0:13:03No, these eggs are handed out based on, erm, customer care.
0:13:03 > 0:13:09So, when you are helpful and polite, I egg you on.
0:13:09 > 0:13:15Ah, but if you receive a complaint then it's egg on...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17..you.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Erm, yes.- I'm allergic to eggs, innit.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23No, they're not real eggs, they're figurative eggs.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Why would I want figurative eggs?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Because the employee with the most eggs at the end of the week
0:13:28 > 0:13:30gets the Golden Egg.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- Is that like an egg made of gold? - No. It's a metaphor.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Then why do I give a shit?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Questioning the egg system only loses you more eggs.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45Yet another stroke of managerial genius, boss.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?- Au contraire, young Joseph.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I've got that demented fuckwit eating out of the palm of my hand.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04All right, bruv? How goes Project Dick Shoulder?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08It's been amazing. We're hanging out, hugging loads.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11It would be really romantic if she wasn't crying most of the time.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- But I think I'm nearly ready to make my move.- Yeah, man!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18The sex vulture takes flight! So proud of you, bro.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27How you doing?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'm fine. Thanks.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- You must be bored of listening to me talk about the break-up.- Not at all.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40You've been incredible these last few days.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I just want you to be able to move on.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Find someone new, maybe someone who's been there the whole time.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Someone who works really close to you?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- Maybe someone called Joe? - But it's hard, you know?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- I Keep seeing things that remind me of Dane.- Like what?- Really fit guys.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Right.- Might even forgive him if he apologises.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02It's, like, 2015. Don't all guys send random girls dick pics?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Maybe I'm old-fashioned,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08but I've never taken a photograph of my own penis. Or anyone else's.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10It's not a homophobic thing,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I'm totally up for guys taking pics of other guys' dicks.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- It's just not something...- Amara, your break ended ten minutes ago.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Don't make me give you a splattered egg.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I thought you only got a splattered egg if a customer complained?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23If you're going to make up a meaningless incentive system
0:15:23 > 0:15:26based on eggs, at least make it consistent.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Right, that's a splattered egg and a rotten yolk for insubordination.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- What are you talking about? - You heard me.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38TEXT ALERT
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- MARY: That's not true. AMARA:- Yes, it is.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Why not try our chicken fillet? Or you could get me to fill it! He-he!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Well, I'm screwed. Dane just texted Amara asking for a second chance.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Wow! This shit is el-o-quent!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"Our love shall last until the stars turn cold."
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- Whoo!- Yeah, pretty poetic for someone who sends dick pics.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08This is a disaster. I've missed my chance.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Mate, how many times do I got to keep on telling you -
0:16:11 > 0:16:13by any means necessary!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- What are you suggesting? - Delete the text.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Text Dane and tell him
0:16:17 > 0:16:21if he ever texts her again she's going to cut off his chode-dick.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I can't do that, that's like a total violation of her privacy and trust.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27All right then, you'd best get used to the idea of Mr Muscles
0:16:27 > 0:16:30giving a girl you love multiple orgasms.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32How do you spell chode?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36My week's almost over and we're getting more complaints than ever.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Oh, I'm sorry, pet. Fancy a foot rub?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Erm, no, not right now.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45What am I supposed to tell Clive Bagshaw?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47All I wanted to do was impress him
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and maybe even one day be his right-hand woman.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You've got to stay strong, keep fighting.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56There have been dark days for Derek, make no mistake.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57I got very low the time
0:16:57 > 0:17:00my application to manage this shop was rejected.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03And the 20 subsequent times.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07But who knows what's round the corner?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Yes. Yes, you're right.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Mary Fawn doesn't just give up.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I just need to do something bold and decisive,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18like the time I padlocked myself to Gareth's car.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Yes, it turned out to be the wrong Ford Mondeo,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23but it still made one hell of a statement.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- That's the spirit.- Thank you, Derek.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31You've been a wonderful confidant and, dare I say it, friend.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36And the next time I speak to Clive, I'll be sure to recommend
0:17:36 > 0:17:38a certain someone for manager.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50What are you doing tomorrow night?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Mum's making pork and then we're going to watch Strictly.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Or something less pathetic.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Oh, no worries. I could just use someone to talk to.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Yeah. Yeah, of course.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Mum's pork is pretty inedible anyway.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10But listen, there's something you should know.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Derek wants to see you in the kitchen.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Something about important shit.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22What are you doing? You were going to tell her about the text!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- I feel so bad. She needs to know. - She's talking about dinner.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26That was your moment, son!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29You start out sharing some dough balls
0:18:29 > 0:18:32and the next thing you know, she's munching on your actual balls.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Why did I delete that text?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I should never have taken advice from an idiot dressed as a chicken.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Now I say it out loud, it seems obvious.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Derek wasn't there. Why did you say he was?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Damn, you ask a lot of questions, woman.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Good news, everyone.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I know it's nearly home time
0:18:48 > 0:18:51but I've decided to keep you all behind for a team-building exercise.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54It's one in the damn morning.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56You can't just pretend something's good news
0:18:56 > 0:18:57by saying it in a happy voice.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Oh, well, I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:01 > 0:19:04# And we can build this thing together
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# Standing strong forever
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# Nothing's going to stop us now
0:19:10 > 0:19:14# And if this world runs out of lovers
0:19:14 > 0:19:17# We'll still have each other
0:19:17 > 0:19:19# Nothing's going to stop us... #
0:19:19 > 0:19:24OK, people, we all...fired up?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Now, when I was doing Business Studies at a university,
0:19:28 > 0:19:33we learnt that the way to improving customer service is...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It's communication. OK?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39And this team needs to learn how to communicate.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42So, allow me to present the Ball of Truth.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Eh?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Now, whoever's holding this baby needs to reveal something
0:19:47 > 0:19:52about themselves to the rest of the group that the others might not know.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54OK, so I'll...I'll start.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Um, about five months ago, I was abandoned by my life partner,
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Gareth, and, I'll confess, I'm not completely over it.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06But we all know that already. Pretty much all you talk about.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Well, I be you didn't know that after he left
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I still wore his underpants and cried myself to sleep for a month.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17And now you do.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20So, there's that.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Anyway, let's open things up a bit, shall we? Whoop.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31OK, Shontal, why don't you tell us something that we didn't know?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I'm thinking of killing someone right now.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37No, that's not really in the spirit. Oh, dear...
0:20:38 > 0:20:39OK, if you go next.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I reckon Joe should be more grateful for my erotic advice.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Er, right, no, it's not really that sort of thing.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I think Ed should stop pretending
0:20:46 > 0:20:48he's an expert just cos he's seen American Pie.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50At least I've seen a pair of titties in real life.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- You're lame, man. - Your mum's don't count.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Can we just make sure that the facts are about...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56At least I don't sexually harass women
0:20:56 > 0:20:58when I'm supposed to be flyering.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00At least I don't go through Amara's phone
0:21:00 > 0:21:02and delete texts from her boyfriend just so I can get with her.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04What?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I mean...not that.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Amara, I... - You hacked my phone?!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- You little shit.- I..
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I mean, it wasn't really hacking.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14You should probably have a passcode.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Right, please, this is not positive communication.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, such are the wages of deceit.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30What? You mean like telling Mary she's God's gift to managers
0:21:30 > 0:21:33when you think - what did you say? - she's a demented fuckwit.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Derek, is that true? I thought you were my confidant.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48God, you know, all I wanted was just one day without complaints. Yeah?
0:21:48 > 0:21:54Just one day to make Clive Bagshawe proud of me. But no. I failed.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Well, no wonder Gareth left me
0:21:56 > 0:21:58because everything I touch turns to shit!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Good news, everyone, you can all go home.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Nice work.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17# We can build this thing together
0:22:17 > 0:22:20# Standing strong for ever
0:22:20 > 0:22:22# Nothing's going to stop us now... #
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Seriously Fried Chicken?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Seriously Fried Chicken?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I respect your right to say no.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Seriously Fried Chicken?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Have a great day. - What's going on?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Why don't you have a look for yourself?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Welcome to Seriously Fried Chicken.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Good afternoon, sir, Quarter-pound Chicks-plosion, right?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Than you so much for your custom.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Have a splendid day.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52It's a miracle.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- But... How?- You're just an inspirational manager.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01We were inspired to give it 110%. In terms of customer service.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Yes, and your promise to cover all late shifts for the next year.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Sorry, what was that Shontal?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Oh, I said have a splendid day.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Look, Mary, I'm sorry for my behaviour.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20The prospect of high chicken office can do strange things to a man.
0:23:20 > 0:23:26I understand. Derek, I do. We both love Seriously Fried Chicken.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28You know, deep down, you and I, we're the same,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31we're like two little conjoined nuggets.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34You do deserve to be the new manager.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36After I've seen Clive tomorrow, well,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38there might be some good news coming your way.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Oh, sweet Mary! I could kiss you.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- And I will.- Really?
0:23:44 > 0:23:45No, no, you don't have to.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56But, but, honestly, everyone, I am beyond proud.
0:23:56 > 0:24:02You know, today, every single one of you has earned the Golden Egg.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03It's still not a thing.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- Oi, creep.- Yeah?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It's kind of sweet, what you've done for Mary.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Maybe not quite as much of a prick as I thought.- Thanks.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Look, I'm sorry for being so weird. - That's OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- But if you wanted to ask me out you should have just asked me out.- Oh.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29- Well... Do you want to go out with me?- No.- Right.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- You're a nice guy, Joe, but you're not my type.- What is your type?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Someone who's brave enough to be honest about their feelings.- Oh.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- And black guys.- Fair enough.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45So, to summarise, yesterday, for the first time in its history,
0:24:45 > 0:24:49the Croydon branch received zero customer complaints.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Also, our onion rings were described by one punter as, "Mm, not bad."
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Mary, I'm overjoyed to hear that. Look at me.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I'm beaming like a schoolgirl.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02What can I say? It's been an amazing experience.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07I've learned so much I'll be able use back here at head office.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Maybe even as your right-hand woman?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Hm. About that.- Oh, is that a yes?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I can't believe this is actually happening.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20We think it best you stay on in Croydon as permanent manager.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23What?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Why?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Well, it's become apparent that the HR department
0:25:29 > 0:25:31runs quite a lot better without you.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33And you've clearly flourished on the shop floor,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36getting your hands...greasy, so to speak.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Please, Clive, you can't send me back there.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Head office is where I belong, sitting on your right hand.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It's important to remember this is not a demotion.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's just a lower ranking job for which you'll be paid less.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53This has been a difficult conversation to have.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You should probably leave before I get any more emotional.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Hey, man. Sorry I called you a chicken idiot.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Eh? I forgive you.- Yeah?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Obviously. We're best friends! Sorry things didn't work out with Amara.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I don't know. I'm still holding out hope.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25This could be a story we tell our grandkids.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Probs leave out the stuff about dick pics though, huh?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Listen up you lot, now that I am manager apparent,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34there's going to be a sharp increase in discipline.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Hot, sweaty discipline.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41And thus it begins. The age of Derek.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42DOOR OPENS
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Mary? What the hell are you doing here?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Really great news, everyone.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I've decided to turn down my promotion at head office
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and I've come back to Croydon.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00That's right, I'm going to be your new manager.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Oh, God!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Everything's gone blurry!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Yep, I think this is going to be a very exciting development.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Let me die now.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Whoa, who's that talking to Amara?
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Holy shit, that guy's an Adonis. He's even fitter than Dane!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Hey, mate, bloke over there just asked me
0:27:29 > 0:27:32if I want to go for a ride on his motorbike, which, obviously, yes.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- You cool covering my late shift, right?- Well...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Great, see you tomorrow!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I really need to get a new job.