0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Well, lads, last day of the holiday. - CHEERING
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Charlie, what's been your favourite bit?
0:00:06 > 0:00:09I liked the water park.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Er, Jacko?- The nightclubs.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Oh, aye, they were good. Adam?
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- The birds.- Ah, well, for me, it has to have been the weather.
0:00:19 > 0:00:25Check out this tan. That's not going to fade in a hurry, is it?
0:00:25 > 0:00:26LAUGHTER
0:00:52 > 0:00:53I suppose in some ways it is weird
0:00:53 > 0:00:57that...kind of like, one minute you're in a war zone
0:00:57 > 0:01:02and then...next minute you're hame and that's that.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And in some ways,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07it is a bit like coming back from a holiday,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10cos I've got...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I've got colour about me - you cannae say I dinnae, cos I do...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Quite broon.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18But that's a perk of the job.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23In another way, it's no like coming back from holiday cos I've no been on holiday,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I've been at work.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31So...in a way, I suppose it feels like I'm just in from work,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33except it took ages to get hame.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Like, I suppose it's that way, I'm a bit like...
0:01:37 > 0:01:41an international travelling salesman,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44except I dinnae sell anything and I'm in the Army.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Morning, morning.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52You will report to recruitment at 0800 hours at the Daphne Centre.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54But we're just back.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58You'll be able to answer the questions from the young wannabe Rambos.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- What, about hot tents and scorpions? - It's just one day, so suck it up, eh?
0:02:03 > 0:02:04I cannae wait(!)
0:02:04 > 0:02:07What about him? Excuse me, excuse me.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Sorry, nothing, I just wanted to say that is a really nice jacket.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13That is a really...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17The collar, the jeans, and... Have a great day, pal, all right?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24I mean, it's a start, but I do think you'd need to be able to do more than one press-up.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27But thanks.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31If you are due in court tomorrow, you would need to go.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Army? Nah.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Army?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Nah? Army?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Nah?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Windsurfing? Nah.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49OK, lads. Listen up.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I've just been talking to the Captain.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Has anyone seen my, erm...? Ah.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Chaps, at ease.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Er... The firemen. Strike. You've heard. I'm was just saying,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07seeing as you're the chaps that drive the...em...
0:03:07 > 0:03:12- Tank?- Yeah. You should be in charge of the...er...
0:03:12 > 0:03:17So to outline, I shall leave you once again in the capable hands of Sergeant...um...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21to get you in the very best of fire-fighting...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Good.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27- Thank you very much, Captain. That was superb.- Carry on.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Now, lads. The boys and larger ladies of the Fire Service
0:03:34 > 0:03:40fancy a few days off to count their wonga. So we, the fifth emergency service, will be stepping in
0:03:40 > 0:03:43to provide fire support cover over the strike period.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48As of tomorrow, we are expected to be on standby for all 999 emergency calls.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Questions.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Yes, Corporal?
0:03:52 > 0:03:58Is it true that 95% of fires are caused by chips?
0:03:58 > 0:04:03No, but it is true that 95% of stupid questions result in a baw' booting.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Now get a move on!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Um...
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Ah.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Don't laugh at his name, Gary. It's just a wee furry animal.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Just think about Countdown.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24At ease, Corporal...er... McLine-Tock?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Yes, sir.- General Randy Badger. Thanks for meeting me.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- That's all right, I was told I had to.- That's what a good soldier does - follows orders. So, where to?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Er...out the front.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Do you trust me, soldier?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Yes, General. - Good, cos it's all about trust.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Because you, Corporal, are an integral component to the success of my mission.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- What's your mission, sir? - Cross International Home Station Strategic Planning.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- That sounds brilliant. - It does, doesn't it?
0:04:54 > 0:04:59I'm going to be examining what you boys do when you're stationed at home and not in the heat.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02All right, aye. When we're at home in the house, and it's cold.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Aye, ken what you mean.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- What's that? You "ken"? What's that word?- Oh, sorry, General,
0:05:08 > 0:05:13that's like a Scottish word that means...erm...to like...erm...ken?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- Like to ken? - Explain yourself, soldier.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Erm, to know someone, or something.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25OK. So to ken is to know?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Aye, like to ken someone is to know them.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Do you ken them?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Who, General?- No, no, I mean, is that right?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- As in, you can ken someone. - Aye, that's right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Aye is yes.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I ken that.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Correct, General.- This is good.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47At ease, chaps. Now, as Sergeant may have said,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50my younger brother Rupert is at university in St Andrews.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Bit of a big, you know, in the OTC,
0:05:52 > 0:05:58and he's organised a debate. You will go and...er... Sergeant.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04Yes. As the Captain has so succinctly outlined,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06you will be representing the Army,
0:06:06 > 0:06:11- adopting our official stance on the recent conflict. - Yes. Very good, Sergeant.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Carry on.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16This is the arena.
0:06:16 > 0:06:22You guys will be here, I'll be sat there, and your opponent Millie will be there.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Now...
0:06:23 > 0:06:27that is what we're up against.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Nae bother. - Ah, oui, oui, pas de probleme.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Is she Spanish?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- No.- Er...Scottish?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34English.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- Right...- A tout a l'heure. A bientot. Au revoir.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Sorry about that. Millie. Nice to meet you.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Gary. This is Jacko.- All right.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48- Hi.- Rupert was just saying, erm, you're English.- Guilty as charged.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- Scottish, I presume?- Och, aye.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54How exciting. North versus south.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Yes. Hope you're ready for the North to whip your arse.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- You don't have a whip with you, do you, Corporal?- Er, no.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Just a gun.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- That's a joke.- Yes, I know. OK.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10If you'll excuse me, I'll go and steel myself to take on the might of the British Army.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Well, may the best man win.- Person.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Er, naw. Man.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44SNIGGERING
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:08:09 > 0:08:12The greatest skill I've learned in the Army
0:08:12 > 0:08:15has to be...getting things right.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I think the Army makes you get things right cos if you don't,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21they're no happy.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And I ken you might be thinking, "What about Iraq and that?"
0:08:24 > 0:08:26but you see that's different, cos,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29see, we did what we were told, and that was right.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32You do what you're told in the Army, see, right?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Whereas the Government told the Army what to dae,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39so then if anyone was wrong, it was them.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41But then the public
0:08:41 > 0:08:45voted in the Government, so then they were wrong to do that.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48So, actually, Iraq and that is the public's fault.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Although they won't admit it.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54But it's true.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Right, lads. These oil drums represent two oil tankers
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- which have crashed on a busy motorway.- Aye, I see that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07The medical services have removed the injured drivers,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- but a danger remains...which is? - They've missed something in the X-ray
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- and they die later of complications? - Not quite, Dr Finlay.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Petrol tank's ruptured and it's going to explode.- Nae need.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Correct. Kenning, Smith, take these matches and go and re-live your youth.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Putting out two oil drums wi' a 1950s converted ice-cream van -
0:09:30 > 0:09:32watch oot Al Qaeda.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Hose ready!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Stand firm!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Water on!- Go!
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Hurry up! Get it on!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Charlie, turn it on!
0:10:00 > 0:10:0271...
0:10:02 > 0:10:0572...73...
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Corporal!
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Come on!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22That was quick.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Did you, er, manage to feel your forefathers?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28More than I could have imagined.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I just walked, took it in.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I know it sounds strange, but...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I felt my forefathers.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39For a moment there...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42..I really felt...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I was a McBadger.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, that's good, then.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Sir, are you all right?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It's just being here.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58It feels like home.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03It's beautiful!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Oh, jeez, man!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10We're the same, Corporal.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I'm the same as you.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I'm Scotch!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20I don't care how you dress this salad up, it's always been about oil.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Well, even if it was always aboot oil, Milleh, we've made that salad.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28We've chopped the lettuce, the cucumber, we've put the lettuce in,
0:11:28 > 0:11:33and we've put as much salad cream in as possible, so to put oil on it now would just ruin it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41OK, guys, I'm going to have to ask you to make your closing statements. Corporal.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Em...well...
0:11:45 > 0:11:49All I would say is that to anyone who has ever cooked anything,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnae.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Sometimes it's nice and sometimes it makes you sick
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and sometimes you have seconds, right?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03But for those of you that think that we, the Army, made a meal of Iraq,
0:12:03 > 0:12:08well, maybe you should stop eating microwave meals and try cooking something from scratch,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11cos I'm telling you, it's a lot mair difficult.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Thanks for listening!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- Other hand.- Oh.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24What's the rush? You late for work?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Nope.- Why are you running? - Wouldn't you like to know? - No, I don't have to.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Let me gi' you a hint. I've joined the Army. This is me in training. - What are you talking about?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- I came to see you and met Major Spitter.- Splitter.- She said to join,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- so like a good soldier I followed orders and signed up. - This isnae happening.- It is.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- She says you get to go windsurfing. - When was the last time you seen soldiers
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- attacking a country windsurfing? - No for ages.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Try never.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- She said that joining would give me a purpose.- You work in the baker's!
0:12:52 > 0:12:57But I hate it, Gary, it gets too hot. I want to go to Iraq. I want to be wi' you and Jacko.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01We're finished with Iraq. Well, maybe. Afghanistan's hotter than the baker's,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04a lot hotter. And besides, that's only if you got posted with us.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- You could end up somewhere much worse. Germany.- Don't say that.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10You cannae sign up, your brother would kill me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Is that what you want? - Jacko'll no mind. He would, but I think it'll be a laugh.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Julie, do you know what Afghanistan means?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Does it mean hello?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22# You can brush my hair
0:13:22 > 0:13:24# Undress me everywhere
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# Imagination
0:13:26 > 0:13:28# Life is your creation
0:13:28 > 0:13:30# Come on, Barbie, let's go party
0:13:30 > 0:13:32# Ah, ah, ah, yeah
0:13:32 > 0:13:34# Come on, Barbie, let's go party
0:13:34 > 0:13:35# Ooh, ooh, ooh
0:13:35 > 0:13:37# Come on, Barbie, let's go party.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39# Ah, ah, ah, yeah
0:13:39 > 0:13:41# Come on, Barbie, let's go party
0:13:41 > 0:13:43# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #
0:13:46 > 0:13:49If I was going to give any advice to someone
0:13:49 > 0:13:51that was going into the Army,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53it would have to be...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56just enjoy yourself.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I mean, it's no all a bed of chocolates, right,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01but see if you like early starts,
0:14:01 > 0:14:07getting shouted at, being shot at, fighting abroad, cleaning and ironing,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11it really is the best job in the world.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16BUZZER
0:14:19 > 0:14:20- Can I help you?- Aye.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- We're after a gun.- A gun?
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Aye, a gun.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You never heard of them?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Aye. What kind of gun?- Whit?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Gun. What kind of gun? There's loads of them.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- I thought that's what you wanted. - Aye. What have you got?- Er...
0:14:37 > 0:14:41got a hand gun, machine gun, laser gun...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Laser gun? - No, that's just a wee joke.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Oh, right. I want one like big Arnie's got in Commando.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49MIMICS MACHINE GUN
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Right, that sounds like a great film.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Is that the one where he's got that funny wee twin?
0:14:54 > 0:15:00- No, it's the film where he's got a big gun.- Right, OK. Well, I'll tell you the best thing to do is...
0:15:00 > 0:15:03er...I'll buzz you through and get your details, right?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21OK. So, what's your name?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Eddy.- Eddy. Eddy what?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Just Eddy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Right, like, er, Madonna or Sinitta. OK.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33So, Eddy, did you have a budget in mind?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Aye. 50 cash...
0:15:35 > 0:15:36(And 25 cheque?)
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- And 25 cheque.- I'm sure we'll be able to get you something for that.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- Now, is it a gift or is it for yourself?- Just myself.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- Now it's just a matter of the money and three pieces of ID. - I've no got three pieces of ID.
0:15:48 > 0:15:54We will need that, or two and a note from your Mum. Right, I'll need to go home.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57You pop home, get the documentation and we'll see you back here.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- What time do youse close at? - Six sharp.- Right. Keep it for us.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Certainly, sir.- Cheers, mate.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You should have said, "I'll be back." Doesnae matter.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08BELL CLANGS
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- All right, boys?- All right.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16O'Connell, where you going?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18All right, we're here.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- What's the score? - Nothing each. There's nae fire.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- What?- There's nae fire.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24You sure?
0:16:24 > 0:16:29- Oh, no, there it is, over there. Do you see it?- No.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Exactly. Cos there's nae smoke, there's nae fire.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35This is clearly a wild duck chase.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37THUMPING
0:16:37 > 0:16:39GLASS SMASHES
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Agh! It's hailstones!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Ambush! Everybody down.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I don't want to die. I'm too young.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52- Shut up.- I swear to God, if they chip the paint I'll be raging. - METALLIC CLANGING
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Jacko, get an ID on the sniper. Charlie, Adam, flank.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Come out, or we'll shoot all o' youse.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Dinnae dae that again.- Sorry.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Have ye no got your guns? Sorry.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Right, dinnae be silly.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Gary...
0:17:15 > 0:17:16three o'clock. Bushes.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22GARY WHISTLES
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Oh, my God, this is amazing. Much better than a fire, eh?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34SCREAMING AND SHOUTING
0:17:37 > 0:17:39VARIOUS: Piss off!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Let me go, this is assault.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'll get my dad to batter youse.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Fair dos. You tell him, three o'clock, school gates.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- What do you think you're doing, ya wee boot?- Who are you callin'...? - Calm down, please.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Why you saying please?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I just about got ma teeth knocked oot, and I need ma teeth. For chewing.
0:17:56 > 0:18:02- We need to go north west from here, around from this point, avoiding... - MOBILE RINGS
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Hello, ChildLine.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06No, Dad, it's me.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- It's my dad. - ALL: Hello, Mr McLintoch.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Aye, good.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13He's asking, were the sausage rolls good?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15ALL: Oh, aye.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Shit. When did that happen?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- His cooker's broken. - ALL: Aw.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- But he's OK. - ALL CHEER
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Right. But he's got to cook for the bowling club on Saturday.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29ALL: Boo.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Right. But he's found a cooker advertised in the paper.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34ALL CHEER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Right, you speak.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Ask if there's a gas cooker for sale. We check it, we get out of here.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Right, calm doon. Two minutes.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53(It'll be fine.)
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Can I help youse?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Em...we're here about the ad
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- in the paper?- I'm no into guys.- Naw,
0:19:07 > 0:19:08the cooker?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Charlie, dinnae. It's Julie. She's supposed to be at the bingo.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Maybe she won.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Come on!- Shut up!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Gary, don't just stand there, help me, it's on fire.- Put it doon, then.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- I cannae.- Just put it doon.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40See? I lit the candles in the car cos I wanted to open the box
0:19:40 > 0:19:42and they'd be lit and it'd be exciting,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45but then the box went on fire. That's why I was driving like that.
0:19:45 > 0:19:51- I think it's really improved your driving.- Shut up, Jacko, I hardly ever crash now.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Oh.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Surprise!- Oh, aye... Surprise!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Surprise.- What?- Come on!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01ALL: # Happy birthday to you
0:20:01 > 0:20:04# Happy birthday to you... #
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Charlie!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08# Happy birthday, brilliant Gary
0:20:08 > 0:20:13# Happy Birthday to you. #
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Very tuneful. A lot like Songs Of Praise, but in praise of me.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20- Bring it in, then.- Right.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23There's nae equipment concerns here in Iraq.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I mean, our camouflage is top notch.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Aye, aye.- Hiya.- Morning.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Who said that?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35So it's a 32-mile hike, leaving in 15 minutes
0:20:35 > 0:20:39with an ETA of 0600 hours,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42where the weather is currently a very pleasant ten degrees.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Corporal.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Do you mind?- Certainly.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49OK. Here's the plan.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Now this walk in the dark and cold and rain is all very well and good,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57but, em, Corporal, show me on the map where the downtown area is.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02Erm... Well, the downtown area is here.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Thank you. And what's this area here?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- That's the high street.- High street?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11OK.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I'm instigating Operation Hell Yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17We'll leave, as the Corporal has outlined, in 15 minutes,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19heading to this area here,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22where you'll take me to a bar that serves hard liquor.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- But, General... - Look into my eyes, soldier.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I'm General Randy Badger. Do you ken what that means?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- I do.- It means I'm in charge and I'm changing the mission.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Now, we're going into town on Operation Hell Yeah.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39You got a problem with that? Yes or ken?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Ken?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Good! Now...
0:21:43 > 0:21:46scrape that shit off your faces and meet at the gate in 15 minutes
0:21:46 > 0:21:50where a cab is waiting to take us to Pussyville!
0:21:52 > 0:21:53What's no to understand?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Adam got you pregnant, that's your excuse for leaving the Army.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Right. So how did this happen?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Well, the man, he puts his...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Shut it, right? Just tell them it happened a few weeks ago.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Where?- What does it matter where?
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- I need to know all the details in case she catches me out.- The Daphne Centre. Disabled toilet.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Aye.- No way. What do you think I am?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I'm not even disabled, Adam.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20No, in Paris.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- In Paris?- Aye, aw, listen, it was really romantic. You took me for a meal,
0:22:23 > 0:22:28a really expensive one, and we had champagne, and we went back to a five-star hotel,
0:22:28 > 0:22:33to the penthouse suite, and that's where our beautiful baby, Daniel, was conceived.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- How do you know it's a boy? - I've got a feeling.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41- Trust me, a mother knows.- Look, the bottom line is you're pregnant. He got you pregnant.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- That should be enough, right? - Right.- Let's do this.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Er, what about Jacko? - He wasnae there.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51- I know, but I just think he'd be really annoyed if he finds out. - That's why he's not to find out.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53That's a good idea.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Yes. It is.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Well, well, lads, that was quick.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- Aye, we got here as soon as we could.- You certainly did. What's this?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- That...is a cooker. - There's no getting past you, eh?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It looks like a cooker to me too.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Aye, somebody must have left it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Probably junkies.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18Probably junkies, eh? What a strange thing to leave in the middle of a field on MoD-secured property.
0:23:18 > 0:23:24Aye. They were probably so high they didn't even realise that you cannae plug in a cooker in a field.
0:23:24 > 0:23:30- Unless you've got a really long extension lead that they probably stole from someone...- Shut up.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Anyone got a better explanation for what this is doing here?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37So, this cooker, appearing out the blue...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40well, it could be deemed to be a security threat.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Naw. It's just a cooker.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Come, come, Corporal. You know how sneaky Al Qaeda can be.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Cookers, toasters, who knows how they'll strike next.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Well, lads, you know what to do.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- Secure the area! - Naw, we cannae blow it up.
0:23:56 > 0:24:02- I mean, what would we use?- I wonder?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07BAGPIPES PLAY: "We Will Rock You" by Queen
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I do remember the first time they told us we were going out.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44They had us in this, like, big hall
0:24:44 > 0:24:46and the Major was there
0:24:46 > 0:24:51with posh apples in his mouth and...er...he says, er...
0:24:51 > 0:24:55"Right, lads, I've got some news you might be expecting."
0:24:56 > 0:25:02And for some reason I heard this, right, and I leant into Jacko and I said,
0:25:02 > 0:25:08I said, "I'm no pregnant," cos he'd said "expecting", ken, like...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13A baby, you know that saying, right?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16And it may not sound that funny, but Jacko started laughing.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Like, I thought he was going to piss himself, right. Like honestly, I really thought he was.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25And the hall, it was that quiet and the Sarge, like our sarge,
0:25:25 > 0:25:30was looking at us from the stage and cos he was laughing so much I started, right?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33And I swear to God, I couldnae stop myself, right?
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Every time I'd just about got it together, he would go, and that would start me off again.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42So we're both there, like, trying to hold it in, right, but crying with laughter, right?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45As this boy is saying to us...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47we're going out to Iraq.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51And then there's other laddies beside us, like, trying not to greet.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56But it's that way, sometimes you've just got to laugh.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Especially if it's funny.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Where have you been?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I've been showing Rupert what a laugh the Army is.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Jacko, where's Rupert?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Don't know.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Probably out enjoying himself, Gary. You know what these students are like.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Is he deid?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Naw.- No, seriously though, is he deid?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22No.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Hi. Yah, no, amazing.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Amazing lads. Yah. That Jacko...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Joker to the max, right?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Yah, yah, yah. Fantastic time, fantastic.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37OK. OK, well, I'll see you at Chris...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Bye.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44SCREAMING
0:26:45 > 0:26:49I have diplomatic immunity. My hands can go wherever they want.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Do you ken who I am, son?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I'm General Randy Badger.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Sounds about right. There's nae touching. You're out.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Don't you push me.- Out ye go.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03Och, well, er, that's our pal getting chucked oot. So, er...
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I better head, but listen, it's been really good meeting you,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10so thanks for that. See you later.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- You're barred. - I don't even know what you're saying!
0:27:17 > 0:27:18You son of a...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20minger.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21I'm a McBadger.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24USA, USA! US...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Taxi!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35The General just got in taxi.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39That's fine, we'll just head back. He'll be all right, eh?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Aye, he's a General.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43General Randy Bugger.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45THEY LAUGH AND CHEER
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Right, 'mon.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- Target in range.- Confirmed.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Lock on target.- Target locked.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56- Prepare to fire.- Ready.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Sorry, Dad.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Fire!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Two minutes till it's no' your birthday.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Mmm.- Any last words?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# Happy birthday
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# Happy birthday
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Dum-dum-da-da-da-da. #
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:53 > 0:28:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk