0:00:02 > 0:00:04GARY: Who ARE we as a nation?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09I am Gary.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12I'm a soldier - a hero,
0:00:12 > 0:00:16recently injured after an undercover operation in North Korea
0:00:16 > 0:00:18went horribly, horribly wrong.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22That Kim Jong-un is a bad yin and nae mistake.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28But on my return, now convalescing, it gave me time to think.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31What about our radge leaders?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Who are they?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37No, but I mean, actually, who are they?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Who are the main folk, the parties,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41the politicians, the policies?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I realised I didnae ken any of them.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Then when someone telt me there was no election coming up,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I was like, "Why did I no ken about this?
0:00:50 > 0:00:51"Why was this being hidden fae me?"
0:00:53 > 0:00:54It turns out I had a new mission -
0:00:54 > 0:00:58to find out what the leaders of the main political parties in Scotland
0:00:58 > 0:01:00were all about.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And I wasnae shy about asking the tough questions.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And they were scared.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11I'm the first Minister of Scotland and I'm totally terrified right now.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13'But they also let me ken what they liked.'
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- I like pirates. - Do you? I like dinosaurs.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- 'And what they didnae.' - I'm not a big fan of Willie.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Sorry?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23'They laughed...'
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Some of them were even honest.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Well, they say I'm a bam, but I'm the bams' bam.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35'And one of them laid his healing hands on me.'
0:01:35 > 0:01:37By the power of the Lib Dems.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I'm healed!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Welcome to Gary: Tank Commander's Election Special.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Hello, Domino's Pizza main delivery service.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53You're speaking to Johan.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55No, Dad, it's me, Gary.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57KNOCKING Come in!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I'll speak you in a bit, cheers. See you later. Bye, bye, bye, bye.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Hiya.- How are you doing, Gary? - Are you all right?- Nice to meet you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- How's the leg?- It's no bad, thankfully. I cannae get up.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11So usually you would be a gentleman and you would stand up when I came into the room.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I would, aye. But you would ken what happened to my leg
0:02:13 > 0:02:16because you've read the security notes about my...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I was undercover. You will have read that.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I'm not allowed to speak about it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24You cannae, but we can speak about it before we get involved.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Listen, this place is nice, eh? - It's very posh.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- The sandwiches are £10. - Where's mine?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- This is the BBC, we cannae afford that.- Did you eat my sandwich as well as your own?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37What are you trying to say? Listen, we've got stuff to get to. We don't have that long...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39cos you're a wee bit late. But, listen...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42So, for folk watching this,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45that, a bit like myself, don't really ken who you are.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Why don't you tell us who you are and what you do?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53I'm Nicola. I am 45, I know I don't look it,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- I'm the leader of the SNP.- Right.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- I'm the First Minister of Scotland. - Right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- And I'm totally terrified right now.- You cannae be.- I am.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- You're no.- I'm a wee bit like being on a first date with a guy
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- that you just know is way out of your league.- Right.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- And which party is it you represent?- I'm the UKIP man.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- You're the UKIP man? - The one they all love to hate.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21The one they all love to hate. Is that your slogan?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25No, "Shake up Holyrood" is our slogan. But that's pretty good.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Aye, PRETTY good. Is that what you are aiming for?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Shake up Holyrood? Yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31We're going to have a lot of fun.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I knew I wanted to join the Army when I was 13
0:03:34 > 0:03:37when I accidentally shot a pal of mine in the balls with an air gun.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41He's fine now, right, so dinnae worry about that.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Davie P. Sorry about that, big man.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Where were you when you realised that you should be an MP?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- I was watching Trisha on a couch. - Are you serious?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Yeah, it's true, I've said that before.- Honestly?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56This is my favourite start to a story I've ever heard.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Willie Rennie.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Willie Rennie.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Will he, won't he? Willie Rennie.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07I keep saying Willie Rennie because Willie Rennie is a great name.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11It's like a fun name. "Oh, who's coming down tonight?"
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Willie Rennie is.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Are you a fun person? - I like to have a laugh.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I want you to relax, dinnae try to be too intimidated,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- ken what I mean? Just be yourself. - You are a handsome man.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I am handsome man. That is often intimidating for many folk.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- It can be quite intimidating.- It can be, but don't worry about that.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Just concentrate on your answers, because obviously
0:04:33 > 0:04:35it's all about, ken, your answers
0:04:35 > 0:04:38cos you're wanting votes and votes mean...?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39- Prizes.- Do they?- No.- Right.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Tell me the main things about the Green Party,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48what are your main things?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52We want a world that looks after the long-term future of the planet,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55creates jobs and houses that the country needs
0:04:55 > 0:04:57and makes a more equal society as well.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So you're talking about the world, not just Scotland.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Yeah, we're part of a global movement.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Like Spectre in James Bond? Like that kind of thing?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Kind of like a global... - It's not EXACTLY like Spectre.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11But like Spectre, but like with recycling.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Give me something like, "Ruth Davidson, have you seen what she's doing?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17"She cannae do that...she is!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Free green Fruit Pastilles for everyone, is that what you're after?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Aye! That's exactly the kind of thing.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Free green Fruit Pastilles for everyone.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I'm thinking water parks, maybe changing Grangemouth
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- into a water park with flumes to Bathgate. I'm talking massive. - Flumes to Bathgate?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Aye, I'm talking like something that folk go, "She cannae do that? She is doing that!"
0:05:36 > 0:05:37OK. That's a good idea,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41and we like all of our policies to have serious economic benefit.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42It depends what you charge.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- What are you thinking? - We'd have to keep it affordable.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48We can't have a situation where only rich people can use the flumes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49And they're the worst.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The SNP is all about equality, so basically I'd want access
0:05:53 > 0:05:56to the flumes to be affordable for people on the living wage.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Cos posh people would push in and their wee posh kids
0:05:59 > 0:06:01would do everyone's heids in, wouldn't they?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04You ken that's true. Ken posh people have massive heids?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Scotland is famed for its bams.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- PATRICK LAUGHS - It's a world leader.- They are.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14How are you going to appeal to them at this election?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16The bam vote. You think that's a big vote?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19We all ken bams, but a lot of them, cos they're so bammy,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22you'll speak to them and they'll be like, "How are you getting on?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24"How's your sister getting on?" Stab.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25And you're like, "Oh, that's wrong."
0:06:25 > 0:06:30How do you get that part of society involved in the political arena?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Most parties will pay attention to the interests of the people
0:06:33 > 0:06:36that they know do vote and that's why, for example,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38young people get a raw deal because most parties
0:06:38 > 0:06:41think young people aren't going to turn out to vote.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Young people quite often ask the toughest questions.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47But they're annoying, eh? They're quite annoying.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I think the bams WANT someone to represent them.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- "UKIP like Poundland - David Coburn, the bams' bam."- The bams' bam.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Look at all the posters you could have.- I know, it's wonderful.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I don't know why I pay a press officer. I've got myself.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- I've got you, maybe you could...- No. DAVID LAUGHS
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Once you get out of the Army, of course.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07What's your worst policy and why?
0:07:07 > 0:07:12We raised the age at which you are allowed to use sunbeds.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14To what?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- I think it was 18.- Have you honestly?- I think we did, yeah.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- We're also trying to make alcohol more expensive.- I seen that.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25But no Baileys? Surely there's an exemption.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Tell me today there's an exemption on Baileys.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30What's your worst policy and why?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33I just... I'm not allowed to tell.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- You dinnae have one policy that you're not that sure of?- Nah.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Cos Nicola Sturgeon... - What did she say?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- She said she wasnae sure about independence.- Did she?- Aye.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I don't think you're quite telling the truth.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50So, next question, independence,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54the SNP obviously want independence, where do you stand on independence?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57No, absolutely not. I think that Scotland
0:07:57 > 0:08:00helped build the United Kingdom, we are part of it,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03we have ownership of it, we're better off being part of it
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and they're better off having us in it...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Do you know what, this is going to go on.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Give me it in 23 words, or less, go.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11It's the best way to pool
0:08:11 > 0:08:13and share resources of the whole of the country.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15We get more money, we're better off
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- because we're part of the United Kingdom.- That's 19.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And that's a good...thing.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Saved.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29SNP want Scotland to be independent, right? We ken that you don't, right?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31But can you say in under 23 words
0:08:31 > 0:08:34why Scotland shouldn't be independent?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Apart from the fact that you'd get Alex Salmond as the president -
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- that's pretty horrible. But speaking of which...- That's you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Right, you and the SNP are agreed that
0:08:45 > 0:08:50you want independence for Scotland. Tell me in under 23 words why.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52We need a change of economic direction.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55We can't afford to run the same kind of economic policies
0:08:55 > 0:08:58that Westminster has been forcing on Scotland
0:08:58 > 0:09:00if we want a fairer, more equal society.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- I think that was 26. - Were you counting that fast?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I'm really clever. I am.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10- 23 words, go.- Let's get the tape. - 23 words, Willie.- 23 precisely?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- 23 words.- I've used up six, already.
0:09:13 > 0:09:19So, sharing risk and reward with the UK.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21That's one word.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Bigger place in the world.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- You've got three.- What are we at now? Are we at 11? Is that 20?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- No, you've got three words.- Three? - Yeah, and now you've got two.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Er...
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- "Er" is one.- Because it's great. - Right, you've ruined that.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47We're going to edit out me asking you in 23 words
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and we'll just have you speaking like that for the whole thing.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It'll be brilliant.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55SNP, as you've said, want Scotland to be independent.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Tell me in less than 23 words
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- why Scotland should be independent. - It's a bit like...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You know how sometimes you want Cheesey Pasta
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- and your da will no make it for you? - Aye.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Well, if you were independent, you could decide for yourself
0:10:08 > 0:10:11when you had Cheesey Pasta. It's being in charge of yourself.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- About making...- Sorry to stop you, I'm actually starving,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17could somebody get me some Cheesey Pasta?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22You've already displayed that you're not really answering
0:10:22 > 0:10:25that many questions, you're quite guarded. Do you think that's
0:10:25 > 0:10:30a problem? That the electorate want answers but you won't give them?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Would you say you avoid questions? - Have you seen the peacocks outside?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- The peacocks are really nice. - They are, eh?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And see the garden, that's the best-cut grass I've ever seen.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- I love this place.- I think there is someone with a pair of scissors
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- that's cutting the grass.- Do you ken how much a sandwich is? It's £10.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I bet you've never seen a sandwich at £10.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- See, now we're talking about sandwiches.- Aye.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I've seen what you've done there! Oh, my God, you're like Dynamo.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- I know.- Do you avoid questions yourself?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00That's a very good question. Now let me ask you a question.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Right, I see what you're doing there. Next question.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- Do you avoid questions?- I don't know what you're talking about.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08I'll come back to that later.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11So you're avoiding it, because you ken I'm going to ask you...
0:11:11 > 0:11:14If you weren't going to vote for the SNP, who else would you vote for?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15That's a difficult one because
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- I can't imagine life without the SNP.- You're avoiding the question.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Life without the SNP would not be worth living. - It wouldn't be worth living?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Could you imagine a world without the SNP?- Are you threatening me?!
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- I said MY life wouldn't be worth living!- I thought I just got threatened off the First Minister.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33You're in the Army! You could probably kill me with just one look.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38In your opinion, who has got the shannest chat across the parties?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I'm pretty sure that there's some politicians out there
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- with shan chat. - But you're not willing to name them.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- I don't think I want to name and shame the shan.- No shamey shans.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- No shamey shans.- Ruth Davidson wouldnae shamey shans.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Ne pas de shamey shan.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- Ne pas de shamey shan? - Ne pas de shamey shan.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Old people in Scotland get a free bus pass, right?- Yep.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58So why are they still so moany?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59I think the older you are,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01the more rights you have to be a bit moany.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04They're probably pretty annoyed that they can't get a bus
0:12:04 > 0:12:06a lot of the time.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07The bus you get on,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10you're guaranteed to be met with a sea full of bams as well.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- It's a nightmare. - Maybe not in the morning
0:12:12 > 0:12:14if you're using your bus pass.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Well, I'm up early as well, but it's very different from me,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I'm a professional.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Old people in Scotland get a bus pass,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22but they're still moany, why is that?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- I don't think they are.- Do you not?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Well, I tell a lie,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29because I've just come from meeting some old people,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32lovely old people and they weren't moany at all -
0:12:32 > 0:12:34except when I beat them at bowls.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Did you beat them at bowls? - I beat them at bowls, aye.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39What a high-octane lifestyle you've got, Nicola.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Old people in Scotland get a free bus pass -
0:12:42 > 0:12:46why are they still so moany, do you think?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48You're calling half of them bams
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and now the rest are moaning too much?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- I didnae call old people bams. - You did.- No, I didnae specify.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Did you not age-specify?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57No. You're flipping everything on its head, Willie.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01You're a magician of words and...images. You're full of it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Full of what? What are you accusing me of now?- Nothing.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07This is a very aggressive interview.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10It's not! You're just being quite shifty. This is...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- I never thought this would be as baffling.- Would you?
0:13:12 > 0:13:17Your an enigma wrapped in a jigsaw, do you ken what I mean?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21So let's go onto welfare.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23A few of my pals are addicted to daytime TV
0:13:23 > 0:13:25and they cannae get out of the house.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28What would you do to make Homes Under The Hammer less addictive?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It is quite addictive, isn't it?
0:13:30 > 0:13:31This is the problem.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It's no Jeremy Kyle, but it's maybe a gateway drug to Jeremy Kyle.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I would encourage them to turn over to the Parliament Channel
0:13:37 > 0:13:40and that will get them out of the house pretty quickly.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Have you watched Storage Hunters? - Aye, it's amazing.- It's brilliant.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- It's brilliant, isn't it? - Fantastic programme.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Is that why you don't get a lot of your stuff done?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Is that because you're watching Storage Hunters?- The best programme.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Isn't it? What an insight.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Storage Hunters, honestly, that's the answer to the problem
0:13:56 > 0:13:59of Homes Under The Hammer - get then to watch Storage Hunters.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00They won't be addicted any more.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02What I like about that is
0:14:02 > 0:14:03other people have kind of got it
0:14:03 > 0:14:06that they want their political parties
0:14:06 > 0:14:08to get people out back into work.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12You're not - you'll tell them to watch a better programme.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- But you've seen Storage Hunters, right?- I have,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17you don't need to convince me! It's my pals that won't leave the house.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I'm surprised everybody isn't watching it.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Let's get onto tax, because that's always interesting.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You want students to pay more money for their education, is that right?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30We want some people, once they've graduated
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and once they're in a job and earning £20,000 a year,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35to pay back a little bit of what it cost to get their degree.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Cos we know that when you have a degree,
0:14:36 > 0:14:40you'll earn over your lifetime, on average, £100,000 more.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43OK, I think that is actually a really good idea.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Have you thought about introducing that at primary school level?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Tax.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53- The SNP want a 45p tax rate.- Yep. - Labour want a 50p tax rate.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57The Green Party have gone for 60p. Why didn't you do 70p
0:14:57 > 0:15:00or why didn't you do something, like, bigger or bolder?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04That's what I'm on about. Like, do something mental like 5p.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08So, we've got plans to use the tax powers a number of different ways.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11And the amount of money we'll raise when you pool all that cash together
0:15:11 > 0:15:16is actually more than the Greens - it's about £1.1, £1.2 billion a year
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- of extra money that we can spend on public services.- So more trams?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22No, we're not arguing to spend that money on trams,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25we're arguing to spend it on schools and public services.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Water parks.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Might be able to squeeze out that water park for Grangemouth.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Brilliant. We've got that. Water park for Grangemouth!
0:15:32 > 0:15:33I'll see you in the summer! Yas!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"Where are you going?" "Grangemouth Water Park! Cannae wait!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"Where do the flumes get to?" "Bathgate!"
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- Talking about tax...- Do we have to? - Aye! Obviously!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Now, what is this 45p all about? It doesn't sound like you
0:15:45 > 0:15:50could do a lot with that. I mean, I've got that on me now.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52It's 45p in every pound you earn.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55If you earn over a certain amount of money.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Is that because 45% of people voted for you at the election?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Eh, it's not, actually, but now you mention it,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03there may be some subconscious thing happening there.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- I like pirates.- Do you?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- I like dinosaurs.- Do you?- Yeah. - What do you like about dinosaurs?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I like how big they are.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I like that they come in all different shapes and sizes,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18so you've got Tyrannosaurus Rex with big back legs and tiny wee arms,
0:16:18 > 0:16:22but you also have a Triceratops that's got three horns on its head.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- That's amazing. Do you talk about this in your job?- Not often.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- But I feel I can open up to you, Gary.- You can.- Thank you.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I think it's good that you learn things about people.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33What does David Cameron like?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Do you know what, I haven't asked about his favourite dinosaur, but next time I see him,
0:16:37 > 0:16:38- do you want me to ask for you? - Mm...nah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Or do you want me to ask his favourite pirate?- I do.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I like Gordon Brown. Gordon Brown used to remind me of a pirate.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Right. Be very careful here.- How?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49No, where are you going with this?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Cos a pal of mine said he had a wooden leg,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54but when he used to do that thing where he would swallow a wee bit
0:16:54 > 0:16:56when he spoke, I thought he was trying to stop himself
0:16:56 > 0:16:58from saying "Arrr!", like a pirate.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I don't know whether he was swallowing an "Arrr!",
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- he might have been. - But think how much fun Parliament
0:17:03 > 0:17:06would have been if he'd kept going "Arrr!" I would've voted for him.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Yeah, I'll bet you would have.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Is there treasure in the Treasury?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Not since the Labour Party were there. They left a wee note saying,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14"There's no money in the Treasury"!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Did they steal money from the Treasury?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Don't know - they seemed to spend an awful lot of it.- Right!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22They don't seem to be very good at making money for the country,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25but Tony Blair seemed to make a lot of money for himself,
0:17:25 > 0:17:26he's done awfully well.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- He's done well, Tony. - He should have stuck to doing...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I like Tony Blair, because he was a radge but he had a...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Ken, he was quite confident with it.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Oh, yeah.- Ken that way?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Anyway, my ankle has been killing me for weeks,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42until Willie Rennie put his hands on it and screamed
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"By the power of the Lib Dems!" and temporarily healed it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Right?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49That's true! What makes you better than the healing hands
0:17:49 > 0:17:51of Willie Rennie at running the NHS?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I don't want to big myself up but I've got some quite healing hands
0:17:56 > 0:17:58as well, I can do the odd massage here and there,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01reduce all the tension in your shoulders for you,
0:18:01 > 0:18:02you can drop them a little bit.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- I'm getting more tense! - I bet you are!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09What makes you better than the healing hands of Willie Rennie
0:18:09 > 0:18:10to run the NHS?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I'm not a big fan of Willie.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Sorry?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Sorry?!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19So I'm not sure I would look to him for ideas on how to fix the NHS.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Right, OK, that's an interesting response!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I want to tell you something, and this is true,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I've said this to all the other folk I've interviewed today,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32I've been telling them that you put your healing hands on my ankle
0:18:32 > 0:18:36and shouted "By the power of the Lib Dems!" and it temporarily healed me.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Did you?- Aye.- "By the power of the Lib Dems,"
0:18:39 > 0:18:40- was that the crucial words?- It is.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43And if you do that, and then I'll stand up...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46So if you just go, would you just shout...
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- Just say, "By the power of the Lib Dems!"- Right.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- And is it both sides?- Don't do it too hard, though, seriously.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Do it both sides. Then go, "By the power of the Lib Dems."
0:18:56 > 0:18:58By the power of the Lib Dems!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I'm healed!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- That was brilliant.- Thanks. - Alternative profession.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Your Cheesey Pasta hasn't arrived. - No, it hasn't.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Honest, the folk I'm working with! Seriously!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14So where do you stand on climate change?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I'll tell you where I stand - in the sun.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Me too, I quite like the sun.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So you are pro-climate change?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I am pro the sun, that's the big shiny thing in the sky.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I ken what that is! But that's the thing.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Climate change would make Scotland, like, a tourist hotspot.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- That is wishful thinking. - How is that wishful thinking?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I think we should be worried about climate change
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- and do a lot more to reduce the energy we consume.- Do you genuinely?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- I do.- Like, honestly, though? Politicians say stuff like that
0:19:42 > 0:19:46and I hear it, I think, "You don't really believe that."
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Like, have you got a big TV? - About 42 inches.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51There you go! That will take up loads of energy!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53If you told me "I've got a six-inch TV
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"and it's black and white", I'd believe you!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I walk to my work, so that's OK, isn't it? That offsets things...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Where do you stay?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- I live in Lochend. - You dinnae live in Lochend!- I do!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- I ken bams that live in Lochend. - So do I!- Lochend's rough as...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06It is!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10It is! I cannae believe you live in Lochend.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13So you'd probably prefer if climate change got Scotland hotter?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Because I actually want it to get hotter.
0:20:16 > 0:20:22- Well, it wouldn't be bad - Costa Del Arbroath would be nice.- Wouldn't it?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24So climate change would help the country?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Certainly make Scotland more attractive.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30This is what I'm talking about, I'm talking about more sunshine!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Absolutely. God Almighty, what's wrong with that?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Nothing wrong with that. - All these scientists,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36the majority of them are by no means omniscient...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- They're not what? - Omniscient. It's a big word.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41It means they don't know everything.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Just say that next time.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Sorry, I'll be clearer.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- I just spoke to David...Coburn. - I know you did.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Are you seeing an overlap with the bam vote there at all?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- Right.- Is that maybe where he's at?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Well, he might be. In fact he did say his party
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- were the party for bams. - Well, there you go!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'm not joking, he did say that, wait till you see it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03The guy is a legend in some ways, but also worrying in others.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07A lot of them still deny the existence of climate change.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- That's going to put lives at risk. - We had a good chat about that,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13because we were both agreed it would be better if the world got hotter.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Sorry, no. If it gets warmer, there will be more rain in Scotland,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- that'll be the downside. - Not if it gets so hot
0:21:19 > 0:21:23that we burn the clouds away. Like when you're on holiday.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26You know when you go, "Oh, yas! It's burnt that cloud away!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I'll be honest with you, the only thing I really worry about
0:21:30 > 0:21:33with climate change is that the polar ice caps will melt,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37that's a danger, and a polar bear stayed on one of the ice caps,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- and floated to Dalgety Bay. - All the way?- All the way.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44And then I'm there having an ice cream, and the polar bear sees me
0:21:44 > 0:21:46with an ice cream and is hungry
0:21:46 > 0:21:48because it's been floating across the sea,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50but it also misses home,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and then it attacks me. That's what I'm worried about.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I worry about that as well, now that you've put it into my mind.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- So it is a danger? - I think that's a very real danger,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02so we'll think about the whole climate change thing
0:22:02 > 0:22:03in light of that.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05What will you do if Donald Trump gets into power,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07will you deal with him or dingy him?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Deal with him or dingy him? Deal with him or dingy him?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I think America will dingy him before I do.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Dingy.- Would you?- Categoric dingy.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Yeah, I've said that already on the telly, the guy's an arse.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Would you pick up the phone and he'd say stuff
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- and you'd refuse to speak to him? - Like, cheerie-bye.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I would dingy him.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Even though he's in charge of America.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28You would still dingy him? If he rung you up and said,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30"Willie, do you want to go for a jog up a hill?"
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I don't think he could manage it, but yeah.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- I'd like to dingy him BEFORE he got into power.- Would you?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37And I don't believe that he will
0:22:37 > 0:22:39ever be President of the United States,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I have too much faith in the wisdom of crowds -
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I don't think the Americans will ever elect him president.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45But would you have to deal with him?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48What do you think of his hair? Do you like his hair?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I think... It reminds me of Dougie Donnelly.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Funny thing is, the day he came to the Scottish Parliament,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00the canteen had this dessert with a kind of wavy whipped cream thing
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- on the top and it looked exactly like him.- How bizarre!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I wonder if the chef knew him.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Anyway, we better get back to the main questions. Trident. Right.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17With bams like Putin, Trump, Kimmy Young'un - North Korea -
0:23:17 > 0:23:21nuclear square go is just around the corner, I think.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24So where's your standpoint on Trident, do we need it?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I think with as many bampots as that,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- we'd better have some of our own. - Right.- Missiles, not bampots.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32How much money do you think you'd save if you got rid of Trident?
0:23:32 > 0:23:37Well, it's certainly tens of billions, potentially £100 billion.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Would you spend that on more trams?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Could we pimp up the submarines,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and make them into a new tram system
0:23:46 > 0:23:49and call it Tramdent? And then people would get jobs.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Do you think people would want to get on that to get to work?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I would, because if it was really wet, you'd be all right.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59You wouldn't even be able to look out of the window.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- No, but...- How would you know when you're at your right stop?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You'd ask to go and look out the periscope. Next question.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08What about world relations -
0:24:08 > 0:24:11are you worried about North Korea or are you not bothered?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Kim Jong-un is...a concern for him, the poor man.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Obviously, his personal groomer has a sense of humour.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21You know that you say stuff and a lot of it rhymes? It's amazing.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- I don't know how you manage it. - Och, I'm just a poet.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Are you worried about North Korea? - I am worried about North Korea.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I'm also worried that quite often online,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- I get compared to Kim Jong-un. - Are you serious?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I get slagged for it quite often,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38because I'm chubby and have short dark hair, that appears to be it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41But, yeah, I get quite a lot of people with little Yes twibbons
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- on their Twitter site...- That isn't why I asked you that.- That's OK.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I'll change his bowl so he doesn't have so bad a hairdo.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49How about that for a starting point?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52You would get so much trouble with North Korea if you said that to him.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- If I tried to touch it?- If you tried to touch it, he'd go radge.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58But if you tried to change his bowl...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Imagine you tried to change his bowl!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- That's how you get long-term change. - By changing his haircut?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04- Yeah!- It is.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06If you were going to team up with someone else
0:25:06 > 0:25:10if the world was all going to come to blows, who would it be?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11I think...
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- I think Bermuda.- Bermuda?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Bermuda is like... I would go for the Prime Minister of Bermuda.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Really?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Cos I could wear those great shorts. - And you and him would hang out?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25You could be my advisor.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27You know what, there are so many job offers today,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- you wouldn't believe it! - Water Park chief.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Water Park chief and international conflict advisor.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Gary McLintock.- You're made.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38OK, we're on to our final wee section of quickfire questions.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Oh, no.- Is that all right? Right.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Cheesey Pasta or pasta in a cheese sauce?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Cheesey Pasta.- Cheesey Pasta. - Cheesey Pasta.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, yas. Chips or potatoes?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Chips.- Chips.- Chips.- Potatoes.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Career goal?- Huh?- Career goal.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Prime Minister.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- This month? Becoming leader of the opposition.- Proudest moment?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Becoming First Minister.- Who's Second Minister?- John Swinney.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Never heard of him. Have you ever been to Magaluf?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09No.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- So that wasn't you I spoke to last summer?- No.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Have you got a favourite joke?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- Favourite joke...David Coburn. - Meow!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Patrick Harvie.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21His manifesto is a complete joke from beginning to end,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- and he won't speak to me at all, won't shake my hand.- Really?- Grim.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- How do you make Lady Gaga cry? - Don't know.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Poke 'er face.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- That's really good! Do you want to hear my favourite joke?- Yeah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in the garden?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38You rooty-toot-toot!
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Biggest regret?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I've probably not had it yet.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46This interview.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Why are you pointing at me?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I'm not! Just a tic I've got.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Your best impression of a celebrity?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- Oh, I'm not doing an impression. - Can you do an impression of me?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- I wouldn't even try.- Come on.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Give me a "hiya".- Nuh. I've already healed your leg,
0:27:00 > 0:27:01what more do you want?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Go on.- No.- Go on.- No!
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Go on.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Durr-eh...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Hey! That was me! Brilliant!
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- Ruth Davidson, thank you very much. - Thank you.- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17- Have you got any questions for me? - No, I'm fine, thanks.- OK.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19That was really good.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- That's possibly the oddest interview I've ever done in my life.- Is it?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24I thought it was quite hard-hitting.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- If you could just send the next person in.- Oh, I know who that is.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- Who is it?- I'm not telling you, it's a surprise.- Thank you.- Bye.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38I'll see you later.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Oh, my God. It's outside.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Hello?
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Hiya!
0:27:52 > 0:27:57So I've come to the end of my mission.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01To find out what the politicians are all about.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03And what ARE they all about?
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Well, I found out they're actually quite weird,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09but weird in a good way, ken that way,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12because a lot of folk think that they're just, like, fake
0:28:12 > 0:28:16and can't be trusted and that they don't write their own things,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18and they're effectively playing a character.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21But I never found that.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26I thought they were just like, ken, real live people?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Just as real as me!
0:28:40 > 0:28:41'Scuse...
0:28:41 > 0:28:42'Scuse me.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Just cannae...
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Excuse me...