0:00:02 > 0:00:05BAGPIPES AND DRUMS PLAY: "We Will Rock You" by Queen
0:00:57 > 0:01:03Don't laugh at his name, Gary, it's just a wee furry animal.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Just think about Countdown.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11At ease. Corporal, uh, Mac Kline Toch?
0:01:11 > 0:01:17- Yes, sir.- General Randy Badger. Thanks for meeting me.- It all right, I was told I had to, sir.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20That's what a good soldier does, follows orders. So where to?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Eh, the Lanny's oot the front.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- What?- The Jeep's oot the front.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- Come again?- Eh...the car...
0:01:28 > 0:01:33is...is parked oot... the front.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Yes, of course. I'm not used to the accent, although interestingly
0:01:36 > 0:01:42my father's father on his side was Scotch, from uh, Ardrossan?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Right, oh, I've never been, sir.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Hell, neither have I.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Never been to Scotland. Love the old Scotch, though.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52What? Old Scottish people?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54The drink, Corporal!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Oh, right. I like the old Baileys.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59My wife Betty, she loves Baileys!
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Betty Badger? Mrs Badger. Yes, sir. Right.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07There are loads of different cultures in the world.
0:02:07 > 0:02:13And a lot of them are rubbish, like wi' funny food and silly clothes and that.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16But then, I think that's what culture is, eh?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Like being different.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And in the army, it's...
0:02:23 > 0:02:27It's definitely taught me that when you're in another country
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and it's a different culture,
0:02:30 > 0:02:35it's really, really important that you learn to put up with it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39No matter how stupid it seems.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So, you're back home, soldier.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Do you miss the heat?- Yes, General.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Good man.- It's freezing here!
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Soldier, I'm talking about the heat of combat, the zone, Basra Bing!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Flapjack Falluja! Rat-a-tat-tat! There's a man on your back!
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Hell, yes, God, sir.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Do you trust me, soldier?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- Yes, General. - Good, cos it's all about trust.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Because you, Corporal, are an integral component to the success of my mission.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20- What, what's your mission, sir? - Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- That sounds brilliant! - It does, doesn't it?
0:03:22 > 0:03:27I'm going to be examining what you boys do when you're stationed at home, and not in the heat.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Oh right, aye, when we're at home, in the house, and it's cold.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Aye, I ken what you mean.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35What's that?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- You ken? What's that word? - Sorry, General, that's like a Scottish word.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43It means, um, tae like, eh, ken. Like, tae ken...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Explain yourself, soldier.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Erm... To know someone or something.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52OK. So, to ken is to know?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Aye, like tae ken someone is to know them...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Do you ken him?- Who, General?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02No, no, I mean is that right? As in, you can ken someone?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Aye, that's right.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Aye is yes,
0:04:07 > 0:04:08I ken that.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Correct, General.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14This is good, it's important to be able to communicate with the locals.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16So, do you ken him,
0:04:16 > 0:04:17then, I do ken him?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Yeah, that's right. Well, it depends if you do ken him.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23If you dinny ken him, then you'd say, "I dinny ken him."
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- I dinny kenny?- I dinny ken, General.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- You might or you might no'.- OK.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31So I ken him, I dinny ken him.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I'd like to ken him.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Or her. Can you say that for a lady?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Aye, I think so, aye. You could try, General.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42You never know, I might just do that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Thank you, Corporal. - Sir.- General Badger?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58General Randy Badger. Pleasure.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Captain Sabastian Fanshaw. This is Sergeant, er...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- I trust you found the barracks OK? - One of your soldiers drove me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- He seemed to find it without too much of a problem.- No.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Of course. Silly me. Well, we're very excited to assist with your...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Quite. Well, best of erm...luck.
0:05:18 > 0:05:24No need for luck, Captain. I'm here to keep up the American military's 100% record for successful missions!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27100 per, eh...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Unfortunately, I, need to be in my office, but do give us a...
0:05:30 > 0:05:35- you know, later. I'll leave you in the capable hands of Sergeant, um... - Sure thing, Captain.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Sergeant.- Sir. Erm, shall we?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Quite a set up here. Like it!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Traditional, very traditional.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Yes, sir, General. British Army budgets tend to specialise in traditional.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I've heard. Still, a workman and his tools...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Absolutely, General.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58- When it comes to tools, we're not short of them here!- That's good to hear, Sergeant. Good to hear.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- A' right.- ALL: Aye.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09So, how's Stormin' Norman?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- The General? He's a' right. - General what?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Motors!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt your midday dining.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20At ease, men.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I'm General Randy Badger.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25HE SPLUTTERS
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Sorry. Hot. Sorry, sir.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Not a problem, soldier. Looks like good hearty fare.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- What is it?- Badgers 'n' mash.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Speak up, lads, the General asked you a question.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Bangers and mash.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41It's good. It's hot.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Good work, men. Enjoy your chow.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Right.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48McLintoch. My office after lunch.
0:06:48 > 0:06:511400 sharp. Don't rush your brandy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Sarge. Sorry tae badger you, but...
0:06:53 > 0:06:54THEY SNICKER
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Don't.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04INAUDIBLE
0:07:04 > 0:07:06THEY SNICKER
0:07:06 > 0:07:10We've talked about religion quite a bit in the tank. Erm...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13And some of the boys don't think it exists.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17But...each to their own.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19But see, right,
0:07:19 > 0:07:24what annoys me, right, is that ye cannae laugh at other people's religion.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29You know that way like, if everyone laughed at everyone's religion, like doon the pub, then it'd be fine.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34But some folk take it like, ken, really seriously,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38like it's aw a matter of life and death, an'...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Just chill-ax!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Take a chill pill,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45said Gary unto the people.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53I'm well aware that the General has a more unfortunate name than my Aunt Fanny and Uncle Arsehole.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- But the joke stops now, do you understand?- Aye.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01OK. He's only here for a couple of days, so your job is simple.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Oh, good.- Keep him sweet and say the right things,
0:08:04 > 0:08:10and we'll all be happier than when my brother found out he wasn't the real dad. Are you still here?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Naw.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- First up, Corporal, we'll need the Jeep.- To show you round the barracks?
0:08:19 > 0:08:24Barracks? Hell, no. Ardrossan, that's where we're heading.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- But Sergeant Thomson said... - Look into my eyes, soldier!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm General Randy Badger, do you know what that means?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Erm...- It means you are driving me to Ardrossan.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I'm instigating Operation Feel My Forefathers!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Hell, yeah. I'm getting back to my roots.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I'm going to visit the place of my ancestors, the MacBadgers.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43The MacBadgers?!
0:08:43 > 0:08:49The MacBadgers. C'mon, Corporal, on the double, Armageddon, Arma-drossan!
0:08:55 > 0:09:01So, General, what does Operation Feel Your Forefathers consist of?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Well, Corporal, I went to Ellis Island
0:09:03 > 0:09:09and I traced my great grandfather's grandfathers on my father's side entering into New York in 1913.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Now, his name was Billy Badger.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Billy Badger?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18The records show he was from Ardrossan, but changed his name when he came to the States.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Now, from what, we're not 100% sure.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24But a lot of Scots anglicised their names.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I'm guessing his name was Billy MACBadger.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32I just want to go there, you know, smell it, to feel...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- Your forefathers?- You gotcha!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Hell, I can feel it.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Can you feel it?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59A wee bit.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00This is it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03I'm home.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I, er...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- I think I want to be alone for a while.- D'you want me to get oot?
0:10:10 > 0:10:15No, no, no, no. I just wanna walk around for a while, you know.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Soak it up,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19breathe it in,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21stand in the still air.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Well, if you've got any problems,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29you've got my mobile number.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33You're a good man, Corporal.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45MOBILE RINGTONE
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Hello, Burger King.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53No, Jacko, it's me.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I'm in Ardrossan.
0:10:56 > 0:11:03Well, it's no ma fault the General's wanting to trace his family history back to the MacBadgers. Seriously.
0:11:03 > 0:11:09Right, well just tell Thomson that I've taken him to a memorial or the shops, or something.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11CRACKLING
0:11:11 > 0:11:13A' right, I'll see you later.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Listen, I suppose there are like historical links
0:11:47 > 0:11:52between America and Scotland, cos back in the day, a lot of Scottish people
0:11:52 > 0:11:56went on holiday to America cos there was no, erm, potatoes.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01An' then they stayed there cos it a better way of life, cos you got a slave.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I'm no sayin' that's right, like now, but back then,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07havin' your own slave, it would have been quite good, eh?
0:12:07 > 0:12:13But ye cannae say it wouldnae, cos it would. Like, getting them to dae stuff for ya.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Like, "Hey, you, make me a cup of tea, please."
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Or, "Pass me the remote."
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Or "Do you wanna go tae the cinema?"
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Like, that would have been good.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35Corporal! C'mon! C'mon!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46That was quick.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Did you, eh, manage to feel your forefathers?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52More than I could have imagined.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I just walked,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56took it in.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I know it sounds strange but...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I felt my forefathers.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05For a moment there,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I really felt
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I was a MacBadger.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well, that's good, then.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Sir, are you all right?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19It's just being here.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It feels like home.
0:13:25 > 0:13:31It's beautiful! Oh, jeez, man!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34We're the same, Corporal.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I'm the same as you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43I'm Scotch. MacBadgers!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47MacBadgers!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Argh!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55HE SOBS
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Aye, but he made me drive him to Ardrossan.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01He thought it was beautiful. He's mental.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He's here on military business, not for geriatric day trips!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- But what was I supposed to dae? He's a General.- Oh, is he?
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- Here was me thinking he was an exchange student from Mozambique! - But you said, "Keep him sweet".
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I know exactly what I said! What I didn't say was take him for an ice cream at the seaside.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- But that's basically what he wanted to dae.- I don't care what he wanted to dae!
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Right, sorry, Sarge. Just so I can ken, right -
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I've not to dae what he wants to dae, in case it upsets you,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33but I've got to dae what he wants to dae, to keep him sweet?
0:14:33 > 0:14:40No. You've to do what he wants, and what I want, and you've to keep him and me sweet, do you understand?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42But, that's...
0:14:43 > 0:14:51- Right, OK.- Good. So tonight, you and your merry monkeys will be taking the General on a night hike,
0:14:51 > 0:14:56getting him back nice and safely so he can meet with the Captain for a debrief tomorrow morning.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Now that's the orders, make sure it happens!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03See aboot the night hike, erm...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Tonight's no' great for me... - Get out.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Right.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14OK, so it's a 32-mile-hike, leaving in 15 minutes,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18with an ETA of 0600 hours at Strathkeld
0:15:18 > 0:15:22where the weather is currently a very pleasant 10 degrees.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Enjoy, General.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Thank you, Sergeant. See you tomorrow. I'm looking forward to this.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Corporal, do you mind?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Certainly.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36OK.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Here's the plan.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42Now, this walk in the dark, in the cold and the rain, that's all very well and good. But um,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Corporal, show me on the map where the downtown area is.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Erm... Well, the downtown area is here.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Thank you. And, um, what's this area here?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55That's the High Street.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57High Street?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02OK, I'm instigating Operation Hell Yeah.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06We'll leave, as the Corporal has outlined, in 15 minutes,
0:16:06 > 0:16:11heading to this area here, where you'll take me to a bar that serves hard liquor.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- But, General... - Look into my eyes, soldier!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I'm General Randy Badger. Do you ken what that means?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- I do.- It means I'm in charge, and I'm changing the mission.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Now we're going into town on Operation Hell Yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26You got a problem with that?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Yes, or ken?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Ken?- Good!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Now, scrape that shit off your faces and meet at the gate in 15 minutes
0:16:35 > 0:16:40where a cab is waiting to take us to Pussyville.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Understood?- Loud and clear, General. - Give me a "Hoo, yeah!"- Hoo yeah!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- He's pretty radge, eh?- I told you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- I like him.- I'm no' sure aboot this. - Oh, he's the General.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06We're just following orders. And, as a good soldier, I'm fully committed to Operation Hell Yeah.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Pussyville? Oi-oi!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Oh, naw.- What?- Top Gun.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15What the hell have you boys got on?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Is it Halloween? Where's your uniform, your pride?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21General, don't get me wrong, I mean you look...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25brilliant. But, eh, over here, it's civvies out of hours.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29If you boys want to leave all the ladies to me, that's mighty kind.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Yes, General, just leave the mingers to us.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Mingers?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- Are they what I think they are? - Aye, probably.- Definitely.
0:17:37 > 0:17:43I think I'd prefer a minger myself. C'mon boys, let's go get some mingers! Gimme a, "Hell, yeah!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Hell, yeah!- C'mon, say it like you got a pair, hoo yeah!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Hoo yeah!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Driver!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Next stop, Pussyville.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Oi-oi!
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Town, please.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02You join us at the International Slap Competition, and here we go,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04the boys are off. Here we go, OK.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Here we go, it's an Ace, Jack.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10One false move, one giant slap in the pus.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Here we go, c'mon boys! Oh!
0:18:14 > 0:18:20- Aargh.- On you go, wee man, put the cards back in. Go.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22There's a seven, queen,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- six, queen.- Snap!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- I mean, slap!- Oh-ho! Of course
0:18:27 > 0:18:31the rules state that you must say "slap" as opposed tae "snap",
0:18:31 > 0:18:33which is the schoolboy version.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Jacko therefore has the opportunity to slap him right in the pus.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Coming down fae China Town. - Comin' doon fae China Toon, ladies and gentlemen.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I dinnae ken what that means, but I ken he's getting slapped.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Feel the tension. I know this is gonna hurt.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Oh!
0:18:52 > 0:18:58Slapped right in the pus, we've got a a rightful winner, Jacko!
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Hell, this place is deader than Saddam Hussein.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Looks like it's up to us boys to get the party started! Hoo yeah!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- He's keen.- Aye, he's American.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13He is, eh? I love it, man! Hoo ya!
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Hiya, buddy.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Barman, stack 'em up - five beers, five shots.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Can I get something blue and a Baileys?
0:19:20 > 0:19:26You got it, four beers, four shots, something...blue and a Baileys!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Cheers, boys!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Here's to good health and the fall of Al Qaeda!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Kiss my ass! Hell, yeah!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Slange.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Four more shots and a...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41blue Baileys.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43We're in the Army!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Hell, yeah!
0:19:45 > 0:19:52So, General, what exactly does Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning entail?
0:19:52 > 0:19:57It entails you drinking your drink, son, and not boring the ass off of people!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Idiot.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Boys, I want to say something.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- Where can a man see some titties round here?- It's a Tuesday night, General.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Where I come from, Titty Bar Tuesday is the most popular day of week! Come on, boys...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Titties! Where them Titties at?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Fantasy Dancer?- Shut doon.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16The other wan doon the road? Loads of Polish girls.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Were they "Pole" dancers?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Do you get it?- Yeah!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Pole. Pole dancers, ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31You're a funny guy, soldier. Your first dance is on me.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Thanks very much.- Geez-A-Peak.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37That's open, the women are pretty rank but it's cheap.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Geez-A-Peak? Sounds like a good club. And the women are ranked?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Hell, that makes it so much easier. C'mon, boys.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Down the hatch.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Hell, yeah!- Yee-ha!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04We are for it if Thomson finds oot.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Look, the bottom line is, right, we were told to keep the General happy,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10and that's basically what we're doin'.
0:21:10 > 0:21:17- Aye, basically.- Ah, relax, it's fine, we're on a manoeuvre.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18She is anyway, eh?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Hiya.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Who knows what's going tae happen to Iraq? I mean,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32it might turn into the new Ibiza.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You know, maybe next year folk will ask ye,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"Where are you goin' on yer hoalidays?"
0:21:38 > 0:21:43And you'll be like, "Oh, I'm off to Basra, all inclusive, 637 quid, and that's premium drinks included."
0:21:43 > 0:21:47And, you know, a lot of folk will say, "Oh, that'll never happen."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Or, "Look at all the violence, look at how run down it is,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54"there's no industry, there's nothing to dae, the hotels are rubbish."
0:21:54 > 0:21:55But I mean, look at Blackpool!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Anythin' can happen.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22This music here's brilliant like.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23D'ye dae food?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Do you speak, aye.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Nice to meet you. Call me Captain Pizzazz.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I take it you must be self-employed then, eh?
0:22:32 > 0:22:37Do you dae the tax yoursel'? It's tricky, eh? My cousin's an accountant.
0:22:37 > 0:22:4120 quid? Call it 15 and you can take ma clothes aff.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44SCREAMING
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I have diplomatic immunity. My hands can go where they want.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Americans!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53D'you ken who I am, son?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54I'm General Randy Badger!
0:22:54 > 0:22:59- Sounds aboot right, but there's nae touching, you're oot. - Don't you push me.- Time to go.
0:22:59 > 0:23:05Och, well, eh, that's ma pal getting chucked oot, so, eh, I better head.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11But listen, it's been really good meetin' you, so, thanks for that. See ya later!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- You're barred. - I don't even know what you're saying!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21You son of a...minger!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I'm a MacBadger!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Taxi!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36The General just got in a taxi.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39It's fine. He'll just head back.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- He'll be a' right, eh? - Aye, he's a General!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44General Randy Bugger.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47THEY LAUGH
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Right, c'mon.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55MOBILE RINGTONE
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Hello, BT.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10No, General, it's Gary.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Where are you?
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Ardrossan?!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20No, it's fine, I'll come and get ye.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26BT? It's a telephone company.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28It disnae matter, it was a joke.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Yes, like AT&T, uh-huh.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Right, OK. Right, I'll see you in a bit.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38OK, bye.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Nightmare.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- I found him sleeping on a traffic island.- Well, that's not too bad.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Naked. Apart from his jacket.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02At least he didn't kill anyone.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Does he get deported?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Caution.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- Tell him to stay aff the Baileys. - It was me that was on the Baileys. I love it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Hey! Corporal! Thanks for comin'.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Thank you, officer, this really is a decent correctional facility.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Thanks for having me.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28OK, soldier... Whoa, I've got a meeting with the Captain shortly, I don't want to be late.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- So, what happened to your clothes? - I don't know. Hookers?
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Last thing I remember, I got into a cab and asked him to come here, to come home.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Shit, soldier, do you have any idea how beautiful it was waking up here?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- No.- Something I'll never forget.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Hey, check this out.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57I don't remember getting it done,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00but the guy who did it must have known a relative of mine.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Tadger.- Tadger MacBadger, eh?
0:26:03 > 0:26:04So...
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Hoo ya!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Hoo ya, indeed.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10- Have you got another uniform?- Yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- I always bring a couple of spare, in case this happens.- Oh right.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Well, it has! - It sure has, hasn't it? Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:26:20 > 0:26:27Long, dark, green, with a handle and a trigger,
0:26:27 > 0:26:34and a barrel, and a safety catch This isnae any old rifle.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38This is a British Army SA80 assault rifle.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Mmm, lovely.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43THEY LAUGH
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- You're a fanny!- What you ye talkin' aboot, that's funny!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Aye.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51In Ardrossan.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57He's got a tattoo on his chest with "Tadger MacBadger" on it. He loves it!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Whit a radge.- Aye. Proper.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- Was he charged?- Naw. Caution, and he was disappointed wi' that!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Men.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Chef.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Boys, I came here to find my forefathers.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14And we got em'.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19On behalf of the United States military, and my family, thank you.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Thanks, General.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- D'you want a lift to the airport? - No thanks, Corporal.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I've arranged for a lovely minger from Ardrossan to drive me.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Gentlemen.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- Sergeant.- General, it's been an absolute privilege.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Operation Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning has been a success,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40and your men have played a huge part of that.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Sergeant.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Well, well.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Operation Bullshit was a success, was it?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I've just come from talking to the Captain, and it would seem
0:27:54 > 0:27:58the General's so impressed, he's suggested an exchange
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- where you lads go over to California.- Hoo yeah!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- Do you fancy that?- Aye.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06I'm no surprised, so would I.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11But unfortunately, what with our "traditional budget", that's never going to happen.
0:28:11 > 0:28:17Cheer up, lads, shit happens! Talking of which, I'm wanting you to clean the toilets.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21So enjoy your chocolate pudding, and I'll see the four of you after lunch.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm away for a big poo!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:46 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk