0:00:02 > 0:00:03You ready?
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Tum, tum, tum, ta-da, Tum, tum, tum... #
0:00:04 > 0:00:05Come on, Charlie!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Then you spin.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14And then we waltz, we waltz.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Go on, Charlie, boy!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Ah, good morning to you, Chef.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I trust you slept well?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55So, what's on the menu?
0:00:55 > 0:01:01- Breakfast.- Come along now, Chef. Tell us about the veritable treats you've cooked up this very morning.
0:01:03 > 0:01:10There's bacon, beans, chips, egg, mushrooms, sausage and there's porridge.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Any of them hash broons kickin' aboot?- Nuh.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Black puddin'?- Nuh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Hurry up, you!- Cereals, yoghurts, fruits - over there.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Any Sugar Puffs?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Nuh.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27Weetabix, Corn Flakes, Special K, Bran Flakes, Coco Pops, muesli.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Nuh.
0:01:29 > 0:01:36Can I just have some bacon, please, Chef, some beans, please, Chef,
0:01:36 > 0:01:42some eggs, please, Chef, some mushrooms, please, Chef,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46some sausage, please, Chef,
0:01:46 > 0:01:51and some chips, of course, please, Chef?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And that's all, please, Chef! Ta!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Mmmm.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04What have you got?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- A' right, mate?- Aye.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I'm just saying, right, you know all this global warming shite?
0:02:12 > 0:02:17I was reading that if the Gulf Stream cools, Scotland'll actually get colder and no' hotter.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Charlie, when would you say you were at your most boring? Morning or afternoon?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- Cos I cannae decide!- Mornin', ladies.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27In good spirits, I see.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- So who fancies being a little jolly volunteer?- What for?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34To represent the Army in a debate with some students.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Female students?- You're out.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Aw, pure, whit, man?!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- What's the debate on?- Iraq.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- I think I'd have a few things to say aboot that. - That's you out, then, as well.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49We'll provide the answers, we just need some monkey to deliver them.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Don't shake your head at me, or you'll need to stick a spoon up your arse to eat your breakfast!
0:02:54 > 0:02:59- Aw, Sarge.- Oh, well, McLintoch, now I seem to have gained your approval,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02you can gain mine, briefin' room after your scoff.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Nae luck, son.- My mistake...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I'll need two. Thanks, Jackson... Kind o' ye. Ten minutes!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Boys, boys, boys.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20At ease, chaps. Now, er, as Sergeant may have said,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23my younger brother Rupert is at university at St Andrews,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27bit of a big...you know, in the OTC, and he's organised a debate.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You will go and, er...hmm.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Sergeant?
0:03:32 > 0:03:37Yes, as the Captain has so succinctly outlined,
0:03:37 > 0:03:43you will be representing the Army, adopting our official stance on the recent conflict.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Yes. Very good, Sergeant.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Carry on.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Here's the details of where and when, etc, etc.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54As well as the points you will be debating, and the answers you will give.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58We get the answers? Is that no' like cheating?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00No, you know the motto. Be prepared!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I think it's best that we're all singing from the same...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Song sheet! Very well put, sir.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13All you need to do is learn the questions and recite the answers.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Yeah, actually, ah, I wrote some of the answers myself...
0:04:16 > 0:04:21Some of the finest Army minds have been working on this, so you don't even need to think.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Don't worry, Sarge, I won't.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Now, the Captain's brother, Rupert,
0:04:27 > 0:04:33is planning on going to Sandhurst, as you can imagine, so any questions or queries he may have
0:04:33 > 0:04:37with regard to Army life, I expect you to take the time to answer.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Certainly, Sarge.- Understood?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Yes, Sarge.
0:04:43 > 0:04:49Lads, um, my brother, Rupert, he might not be the, you know, of the family.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51But...he will make a good officer, so, er,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53you know...
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Yes, lads, you know. Off you go.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Very good, sir, a really good briefing!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17'You never know what's going to happen, do you?'
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Nobody does.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Not even God.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I mean, maybe in a year's time I might not even be sat here.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I might be sitting somewhere else.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Like in a different seat and, and that's what's exciting aboot life, eh?
0:05:34 > 0:05:40Like one minute you're sittin' in one seat and then the next minute you're sittin' in a different seat,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and, you know, thinking aboot it like that,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45life is a bit like musical chairs, eh?
0:05:47 > 0:05:52Although there's not always music...
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and it's over a really long period of time...
0:05:55 > 0:06:00in different places and without everyone trying to sit on the same seat.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I'm no' sure I understand.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08You're going to St Andrews to represent the Army in a debate, but you've got all the answers?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Yes. You do understand, cos that's what's happening.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14This smells brilliant, what is it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17That's some recipes I got off the internet.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22There's...there's chicken madras, there's prawn tikka massala,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25there's lamb rogan josh and there is...the house special.
0:06:25 > 0:06:32- Which is?- Oh, it's chicken, prawn, lamb, potato, swede, pea, and carrot curry stew.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Mmm. And what's in the oven?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Macaroni, vegetarian option.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- You got all these off the internet? - Well, apart from the house special! That's mine...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42You know, cos it's ma hoose!
0:06:42 > 0:06:48- Aye.- Right, now let's have a look and see what this is aw aboot.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Hand me ma specs.- I see you still can't find your reading glasses.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Och, these work fine.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"This house believes the Iraq war was justified,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"and no' just for oil."
0:07:05 > 0:07:10- Whose house?- Oh, I think that's a university thing.- Och, we wouldn't know anything aboot that.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15"The Army..." Where, where are you? "The Army," that's your bit, eh?
0:07:15 > 0:07:20Hmm-mm. "Without the toppling of Saddam Hussein, Iraq would remain
0:07:20 > 0:07:27"a threat to peace in the Middle East, and a significant sponsor of terrorist activities."
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Ah, well, I suppose they did topple him, didn't they?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34And, and he's less of a threat now, so, aye, good point, Gary.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Oh, thanks.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:36 > 0:07:42- Oh, that might be Julie.- Hiya. - What did you no' tell me for? I don't think we've got enough.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It's me, Gary! I'm here, I'm here! Right, what is it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Oh, Mr McLintoch! Look at you, you're sick. Oh, my God, you're blind.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh, he's blind, for God's sake!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Trying to get him to read a bit of paper, that's cruel, Gary! Sit down! C'mon.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Julie, what's the matter wi' you? - I got your text about needing my help!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01He shouldn't be cooking, I'll cook! Give me that wooden spoon.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Julie, he's not blind, it's just his glasses. Deep breaths, Julie, deep breaths.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Oh, aye... Well, you look really cool.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- I think I need some water. - I'll get you some water.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- No, you're sick.- He's no' sick.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Maybe it's me, maybe it's me that's sick!
0:08:17 > 0:08:21It was that hot in the baker's and then the walk home, I think I might need one of they tinfoil blankets.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- There's some tinfoil in that drawer. - Right, just stop.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Dad, stir the curry. Julie, get a wee seat.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Listen, I just need you to be the opposition at the debate. It's no' that serious.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Right, so why was your text in capitals?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Because I was eatin' a bag o' crisps.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44A debate? I don't think I'd be good at that. I'm rubbish at winning arguments.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- No, you're not.- Yes, I am, Gary!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Right, well let us just try it.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51And this is a pretend argument, so you might win it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52I doubt that.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I doubt that too, Julie, but let's just see how it goes, eh?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Who's for curry?- Oh, aye.- Curry?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Aye. You like curry, Julie?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Curry? Yeah, hmm-mm. - There we go. Oh, get it doon.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Get fired in.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13Right, let's have a look at these questions.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Can you pass the milk?
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Right, I'll go devil's advocate.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27What does that mean?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30It basically means he's a stirrer, like Anne-Marie McLaverty.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32She's an absolute bitch!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- Julie!- Oh! I'm so sorry, Mr McLintoch.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39It's a' right, Julie, we all swear now and again, even me.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I remember I once called Mrs Miller a dong pumper, by accident.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46She'd bumped into me wi' her shoppin' trolley and it just came oot.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47It did, I was there.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I don't really think she knew what it meant.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- No.- That makes me feel a bit better.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Can you pass the naan?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- Thanks. - Julie, you read this one oot.
0:09:59 > 0:10:05"This house believes the Iraq conflict wasn't a front for the West to secure access tae oil."
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- Gary?- Um, yes, no?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Julie, can I get an onion bhajee?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Julie?- What?!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Are you all right?- No, no, I'm no'. I'm sorry, I'm just...
0:10:18 > 0:10:22It's so hot, I'm, I'm, I'm just so hot. I shouldn't have had the curry.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24You should have said, there's macaroni!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It's a' right, Julie, I think we've done enough for today. I'll look at this later.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33I'm really sorry about the curry and my mouth and the milk. I'll tidy up.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Just you make sure you're prepped, son...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Remember when I tried to make those apricot, prune-filled,
0:10:40 > 0:10:46- Czechoslovakian sweet buns? I hadn't done the preparation properly... I paid the price.- I remember.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51That was a tough day. But this is different, Dad. I've got the answers, I just need to read them oot.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53The Chechen buns are in the bag, if you ken what I mean.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55You're so clever, Gary.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Buns in the bag. Here's your folder.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Can I have some dessert?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I can dae an impression o' him. Jacko and the boys are always askin' me to dae it.
0:11:07 > 0:11:13Should I? Right, a' right. Right, so he's come in the office, right,
0:11:13 > 0:11:20and he's chucked his hat on the stand, ken, and he always gets it on the stand, it annoys me...
0:11:20 > 0:11:21and he turns roond and he says,
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Miss Moneypenneeee.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28That's it, but I can dae a better one, right.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I can dae a better one, right.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32This is just something, it's no' in the film,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34but it's something I imagine he'd say.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37That's me away to the shhhhoapsss.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41That's quite good, eh? I've got one more, right.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42I've got one more impression, right.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45And that, this is, this is, it's no' him,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48but from the Bond films. This is the impression, right. Watch.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56That's Jaws.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Fae the Bond films!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Ah, aboot time.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Bags in the boot, please, bell boy.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10You'll struggle to dae that debate wi' a broken jaw.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I suppose this is what you'd call a win-win situation.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21How?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Cos we've got the answers, so we'll win...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Win.- Kindae.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28What do you mean, "kindae".
0:12:28 > 0:12:31You've got the Army's answers, doesn't mean you'll win.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33How does it no'?!
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Cos, they're students, an' that. Ken whit they're like. Most of them'll hate you.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- Why would they hate me?! - Cos of the uniform, ya fanny!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- I suit this.- Shut up!
0:12:46 > 0:12:52It doesn't matter what you say, most of them'll be, like, against Iraq, an' aw that.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53We'll see.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56The Great Debate.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59The Battle O' Words.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I wonder which word would be the sorest, if it was a bullet?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- What?- Ayah!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10That would be a sore, eh?! What else?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Kapow! That would be sore.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yellow?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18That wouldnae hurt as much.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Prick.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Jacko, that hurt.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Hiya.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I'm Corporal McLintoch,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00this is Jacko.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Hi. How can I be of service?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06We're here for a debate. We've got to meet Rupert Fanshaw.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Oh, of course. I'll just check.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Now, I think you boys do a great job.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Thanks.- I hate terrorists.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Aye, they're a cheeky bunch, eh?
0:14:18 > 0:14:23I'll just see if I can locate him. Here, he might have gone AWOL, eh?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26If he has we might need to go find him and shoot him in the heid!
0:14:26 > 0:14:32OK... Rupert has booked the lecture theatre over at the OTC building,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36which is at the other side of town, but it's easy enough to find.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh, well, I hope it is,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42otherwise we might need to come back and get you!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Thanks. See you later!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- UPPER CLASS ENGLISH ACCENT: - Corporal McLintoch. Lance Corporal Jackson.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- At ease, student.- Rupert.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Fanshaw.- Hey, look who it is...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18It's ME!
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Where'd you get that picture? - I Googled you. It's from when you were in the paper...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Er, you don't mind do you?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I could blank out the eyes, if you like?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Naw. I look amazin'!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Thank you so much for doing this.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It's great to have actual serving soldiers.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I'm in the Officer Training Corps myself, so,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41er, Sandhurst, here I come!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Aye, we heard.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Really?!- We ken your brother.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Course! Sebastian. Pasty, as I call him.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Oh, we got up to some laughs at boarding school, I can tell you...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Oh, Pasty once dropped a duvet out of a window.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I bet he never told you that one, eh?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- No.- Great chat.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12So, er, the debate doesn't, er, kick off for another two hours,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16so I thought we could just um, hang out and, well, chill.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I'm up for chilling. Jacko?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Wicked sweet.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Wicked sweet!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35C'mon, you, you're taking ages.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Hold up.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I appear to have forgotten something.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I best go back and get it.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03C'mon, you! Idiot!
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I should be at a History of Art tutorial now, but stuff that, right?
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Free Palestine!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Free Palestine!
0:17:10 > 0:17:14That's funny, he never even looked like he was from Palestine.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17He's not, they don't even know what they're protesting against.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- They don't understand war.- Is that right?- Yeah, bloody English!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Are you not from England? - England?!
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Scottish, mate. Bloody Aviemore, born and bred, I thought you kent my brother?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Oh, aye... He's...Scottish(!)
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Well, what's the point?
0:17:37 > 0:17:44We could have one of these inquiries into whether Iraq was right or wrong,
0:17:44 > 0:17:49but then, what do inquiries actually achieve?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I mean, we still don't know what killed Diana!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I was, like, so hungover, like wicked sweet hungover,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59cos I'd been drinking John Smith's all night,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03OK, and then suddenly these paint balls just whooshed past me like, SHADAH! KAPPA!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06You know, like, really close. I mean, you'll know what that's like, right?
0:18:06 > 0:18:12And I thought I was a goner, but I pulled myself together and I called out to my men,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"Come on, St Andrews, we can win this!"
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- And did you?- No.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- Thanks.- Listen, I know it's only been a couple of hours,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37but I think I'm really starting to understand how you guys bond.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I'd take a bullet for both of you.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Just the bill will do.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51It would be a privilege.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00If he salutes one more time I'm going to snap his hands off!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Oh, come along, Mr Huffy Puff.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05He's keeping us in French Fancies.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Mmmm!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16This is the arena and you guys will be here,
0:19:16 > 0:19:21I'll be sat there, and your opponent Millie will be there.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Ah, that is what we're up against.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Nae bother. - Oui, oui, pas de probleme!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Is she Spanish?- No.- Er, Scottish?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33English.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Right. - Alors, a bientot. Au revoir.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Sorry about that. Millie, nice to meet you.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Gary. This is Jacko.- A' right?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Hi.- Rupert was just saying, um...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- You're English.- Guilty as charged...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Scottish, I presume?- Och, aye.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53How exciting. North versus south.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Yes, I hope you're ready for the north to whip your arse?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- You don't have a whip with you, do you, Corporal?- Er, no, just a gun.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- That's a joke.- Yeah, I know.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09OK, well, if you'll excuse me I'll go and steel myself to take on the might of the British Army.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Well, may the best man win! - Person.- Er, naw... Man.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25OK, OK, thank you, everyone, OK - settle.
0:20:25 > 0:20:33OK, I'd like to welcome you all to this debate on Iraq, whether it was justified...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35or just for oil.
0:20:35 > 0:20:42I'm keen to get started, so let me introduce Millie Fairfax, who will be speaking against the house,
0:20:42 > 0:20:49but more importantly Corporal McLintoch, who shall be speaking for the house.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Hiya.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01You a' right?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Er...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Just, um...er...ma notes,
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Er...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Um...
0:21:26 > 0:21:34OK, so, this house believes that the Iraq conflict is...
0:21:34 > 0:21:40a lot like...macaroni... Because, on its own,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43it's, it's, um...dry
0:21:43 > 0:21:46and horrible...a bit like Iraq.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48But it's, it's when you add the cheese sauce, that...
0:21:48 > 0:21:53That's when it works, eh, that's when it comes together, that's, that's when you love it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58But...if you add a cheese sauce that disnae work, that's where you get the problems like,
0:21:58 > 0:22:03I remember once ma dad was experimenting like wi' a new cheese sauce and he used Dairylea.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05And that didnae work.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Actually it made him boak...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Corporal, are you being serious? - I know!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Lookin' back on it, it's total madness, but at the time, you know, he was just,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18he was just experimenting, he was just trying to make a sauce that works,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20and...in a way, looking back, like, us in Iraq,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23we were maybe, you know,
0:22:23 > 0:22:28that new sauce, and, perhaps some of ye think, you know,
0:22:28 > 0:22:33that we, the Army, were Dairylea or maybe you think we were cheddar,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37but the bottom line is we were just trying to make a better sauce of it.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Millie, your response?
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Well, talking of sauce - take the sexed-up dossier.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51You wouldn't have had to try and make a better sauce
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- if the Government's recipe had been accurate in the first place!- What?
0:22:54 > 0:23:01I mean, that if the dossier represented a recipe, then we, the nation, were given the wrong recipe.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03We were misled on how to make macaroni cheese.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Ah, but, see, I don't think there is, like, one right way of making macaroni.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09My mum makes it with a blue cheese sauce.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Well, that's disgusting. I mean, you should be making it wi' a yellow sauce,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16eh, like a yellow cheese. Cheddar, you know.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Nanny use to use to make it with a mix of milder creamier cheeses.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24Well, you see? It's complicated. Like when we were in Iraq.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29You know, we were trying to make a new sauce and we maybe didn't have all the ingredients,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33but we were on a budget, you know? It was a bit like Ready Steady Cook,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36we did the best we could wi' the bag that we got, you know.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38APPLAUSE
0:23:40 > 0:23:42But Corporal, I put it to you
0:23:42 > 0:23:46that, far from being on a budget, a la Ready Steady Cook, you were effectively
0:23:46 > 0:23:52shopping from Marks & Spencer's. You were dropping organic cream cakes on defenceless Lidl shoppers.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE
0:23:53 > 0:23:55But what were we supposed to dae?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59We invited Saddam round for dinner but he didnae want to eat wi' us.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- I mean, we tried to cook for him. - Maybe you didn't try hard enough.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07In fact, I put it to you that you offered him steak and he was vegan. There were no real options.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11You bought the steak, you knew he wouldn't come round, let alone eat it.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Well, Millie. Sometimes, it's difficult to cook for vegans.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Especially macaroni cheese.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19APPLAUSE
0:24:21 > 0:24:23HIP HOP MUSIC
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride, take a ride
0:24:40 > 0:24:42# Take a ride, take a ride, Take a ride with me
0:24:42 > 0:24:44# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride, take a ride
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# Take a ride Won't you ride with me?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride, take a ride
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride with me... #
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I don't care how you dress this salad up, it's always been about oil!
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Well, even if it was always aboot oil, Millie, we've made that salad, we've chopped the lettuce,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05chopped the cucumber, put the lettuce in
0:25:05 > 0:25:11and we've put as much salad cream in as possible, so to put oil on it now would just ruin it.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:17OK, guys, I'm going to have to ask you to make your closing statements.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Um, Corporal?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Um...
0:25:23 > 0:25:29Well, all I'd say is that to anyone who has ever cooked anything, sometimes it works,
0:25:29 > 0:25:35and sometimes it doesnae and sometimes it's nice and sometimes it makes you sick
0:25:35 > 0:25:37and sometimes you have seconds, right.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41But for those of you that think that we, the Army, made a meal of Iraq,
0:25:41 > 0:25:46maybe you should stop eating microwave meals and try cooking something from scratch,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49cos I'm telling ye', it's a lot more difficult.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Thanks for listening.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:05Corporal, I must admit that even as an ardent anti-war protester and vegan,
0:26:05 > 0:26:10I'm now willing to admit that there's not always going to be a dairy-free option.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- I knew we'd win.- Well, I won.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Yes, you won, but I mean, um, the Army won. So we won!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31- Well...- I can't wait to join the Forces and become an officer.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Do you think I can do it?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Rupert, you are an officer.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Thank you.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, I'm just going to go over and congratulate Millie on losing.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Oh, Jacko,
0:26:52 > 0:27:00how about that, eh?! Oh, just think, in a couple of years, when I've graduated and joined you guys,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I can see us having a good drink and laugh about this.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Oh, God, only... I'll be in the officers' mess, so, um,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10it won't be exactly like this.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Aye, you're right.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16So why don't we go for that pint now?
0:27:16 > 0:27:21- It's unlikely we'll do it in the future.- God, yes!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25We can make it really realistic. Like, um, you could drive me somewhere!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Aye...mebbe I could.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35The equipment issue is serious, right?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38The worst one I heard was a guy that had to bring his own spade
0:27:38 > 0:27:39and he never got a rifle.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49- Where have you been? - I've been showing Rupert what a laugh the Army is.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Jacko, where's Rupert?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Don't know.
0:27:54 > 0:28:00- Probably oot enjoying himself, Gary, you know what these students are like.- Is he deid?- Naw.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- No, seriously, though - is he deid? - Naw.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07Right. That's a' right, then. Right, let's go. Home, James, please, Gary.
0:28:19 > 0:28:26Hi, Pasty? Yeah. They're amazing, amazing lads, yeah. No, that Jacko,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29joker to the max, right?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, fantastic time.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Fantastic. OK, OK. Well, I'll see you at Chris...
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Bye!
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:56 > 0:28:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk