0:00:02 > 0:00:05# We could've been anything that we wanted to be
0:00:05 > 0:00:10# With all the talent we had
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# No doubt about it We whine and we pout it
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# We're the very best at being bad guys
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# We're rotten to the core
0:00:20 > 0:00:25# And my congratulations no-one likes you any more
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Bad guys!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# We're the very worst
0:00:29 > 0:00:34# Each of us contemptible We're criticised and cursed
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# We made the big time Malicious and mad
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# We're the very best at being bad. #
0:01:21 > 0:01:23So, ladies, first checkpoint reached.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I bet you're very pleased with yourselves,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27but you shouldn't be, you're idiots.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Thanks, Sarge.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You're welcome, so listen up!
0:01:30 > 0:01:34The second phase of this exercise will test your ability as a unit
0:01:34 > 0:01:37to adapt to sudden changes in operational strategy.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Like that time in Basrah when we ran out of diesel for the tank?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Oh, yes! The Four Donkeymen of Apocalypse Now.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46HE MIMICS DONKEY
0:01:46 > 0:01:49To be fair, Sarge, those donkeys got us back to base.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50You're right, they did.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I don't know why we don't use donkeys more often.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Oh, hold on - we do!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Get your gear and get ready to move out.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You'll receive co-ordinates for the next checkpoint shortly. Questions?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02No, thanks.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16I wonder if it was a pervert that invented binoculars?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Well, even if it wasnae, I bet they're glad.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It was a Dutch guy.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Johann Lipperhey. 1608.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30No, no, I'm sorry, but how would you know that?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' puggy at the NAAFI bar.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- But why would you remember that? - Cos it was for 20 quid!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I got it wrong, so I remember it in case it comes up again.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Och, well.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Fair do's Charlie, eh?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45learning from your mistakes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Imagine if everything you did was for 20 quid!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- You got any mare of them? - What binoculars?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Ha, ha, ha(!) Very funny, fat boy, geez wan.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- Hmm. It's good, likes. - My dad's special recipe,
0:03:02 > 0:03:07dinnae tell anyone, right, but he uses sausage meat for the middle bit and pastry for the roll.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- They're nice, eh?- Epic!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You know they might even be better than my mum's.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I've heard your mam's are pretty good, eh?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18So's her sausage rolls! Oi, oi!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Aye. She has got big tits, my mum.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26OK, masterminds,
0:03:26 > 0:03:3220 quid you cannae name me seven football teams wi' body parts in their names?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Easy...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37# Hearts, Hearts, glorious Hearts! #
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Um...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Arse-nal!- Um...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Man-chest-er United.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Um...- Liver-pool. Ports-mouth.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Five, no bad.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Um, Stomach... em...
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Brechin!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Give you that.- Brechin?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54B-R-E-C-H-I-N - Brechin!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56What's your "Brechin"?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58C'mon. There's one more.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00- No?- No.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Scunthorpe! - HE CACKLES
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- THEY LAUGH - Scunthorpe...that's good.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Like your thorpe?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Other end!
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Yer... Um... Yer scun...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Yer scunth? Your, eh... Your cunth?!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22HE LAUGHS
0:04:22 > 0:04:25That's it! Remember, when you slipped and fell on your cunth!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Did I?- Aye.- I fell oan ma cunth?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31THEY LAUGH
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Oh, right!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Did I break it, can you break your cunth?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Did I, though?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39RADIO: 'Come in, Alpha Zero Zero, over.'
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Go ahead, over.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45The greatest skill I've learnt in the army has to be...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47getting things right.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I think the army makes ye get things right, cos if you don't...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53they're no happy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54And I ken you might be thinkin',
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"Oh, what aboot Iraq?" and that, but you see that's different
0:04:57 > 0:05:01cos, see, we did what we were told and that was right.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You do what you're told in the army, see, right?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Whereas the government told the army whit tae dae.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10So then if anyone was wrong, it was them,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14but then the public voted-in the government...
0:05:14 > 0:05:17so then they were wrong to do that, so...
0:05:17 > 0:05:21actually, Iraq and that is the public's fault.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26A lot of them won't admit it but it's true.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32We're not lost, just gimme two seconds!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Right, that's us here.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Where?- Here.- Here?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- There!- Where?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# There on the stair right there! #
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# A little mouse with clogs on!
0:05:45 > 0:05:46# Well, I declare!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50# Going clip-clippety-clop on the stair, oh, yeah! #
0:05:52 > 0:05:53We need to flank north west...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55RINGTONE: "Respectable" by Mel and Kim
0:05:55 > 0:05:57..around from this point.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Hello, Childline.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00No, Dad, it's me.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01It's ma dad!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03ALL: Hello, Mr McLintoch!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Aye, good.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07He's asking are the sausage rolls good?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09ALL: Oh, aye!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Shit! When did that happen?
0:06:13 > 0:06:14His cooker's broken!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Aww!
0:06:17 > 0:06:18But he's ok.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Wahey!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Right. But he's got to cook for the bowling club on Saturday!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Boo!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28But he's found a cooker advertised in the paper!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Wahey!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Right. Glencaitland?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Um....- It's just over the hill.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Charlie's just saying it's nearby.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Aye. No, that's fine.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41No, we'll just go and pick it up. Eh lads?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Wahey!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45- What?- We cannae.
0:06:45 > 0:06:51Hold on. What do you mean we cannae? My dad's cooker just aboot blew up and it could've killed him,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55but all he's concerned aboot is whether we enjoyed his sausage rolls or not.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59I cannae tell him we're no gonnae get the cooker. Dad, Charlie wants to speak to you.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Hello?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Hi, Mr McLintoch, look...
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Aye, the sausage rolls were...lovely, aye.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Right, look. Um...
0:07:15 > 0:07:20Aye, my mum's fine. Aye, she really enjoyed that recipe.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Right, look, about your cooker...
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Aye.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Aye, that's no bother. We'll pick it up, we've got the tank.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Right. I'll just pass you back to Gary.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42See, Dad? No bother at all, we'll pick it up.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46It'll take two minutes. All right, how much is it?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Oh, that's fine, that's fine.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54All right, then. Just text us the address. All right. See you later!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Right we are going to pick up a cooker for your dad - when we're on an exercise?
0:08:00 > 0:08:05See this? See this, boys? This is what makes him a good soldier.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Cos he just got all that just from listening.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Aw, come on, boys! This is what it's all aboot, eh, you know?
0:08:12 > 0:08:18Changes tae operational diversity, you know? Drills and skills.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And cookers!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29MUSIC: "Better Off Alone" by Alice DeeJay
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Here we go, "Glencaitland Farm, Glencaitland".
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You cannae get mare simple than that, eh?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I don't think we should be daein' this.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59Charlie, may I remind you, that you told my dad, with your own voice, that we would get that cooker.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Aye, I know, but... - It's just a cooker.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04No, it's no! He's had it for 20 years,
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- and they've stopped making this model.- Aye, cos it's old and it keeps breaking!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Can he no just order a new one?- Dae I need to learn sign language here?!
0:09:12 > 0:09:17They've stopped making the model! He needs it ASAP cos he's cooking for the bowling club tomorrow.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21I'm sure the bowling club could get someone else to cook...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23This is like mutiny with a bounty, honestly!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26One minute youse are singing the praises of my dad's sausage rolls,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29the next minute you're saying you hate him!
0:09:29 > 0:09:34- Gary, we're no, we're just... - Listen! This cooker, to my dad, is like...
0:09:34 > 0:09:38it's like Adam, that Razzle you've got wi' your home eccy teacher in it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Mrs Riley. Priceless.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- Or, Jacko, your replica Uzi. - It's no a replica.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Or, or, or, Charlie, your, um...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Have you got anything?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Chris Tarrant's autograph?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55JACKO LAUGHS
0:09:55 > 0:09:58The boy from Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- Is that why you always play that puggy?!- Right, This is getting out of hand. All I'm trying to say
0:10:02 > 0:10:08is that this cooker to ma dad is like your Razzle an' your Uzi
0:10:08 > 0:10:13an' your Chris Tarrant's autograph...combined.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Right. Go on then, I'll do it... for Mrs Riley!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Thanks, Adam... Jacko?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22I'll do it too...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25For Mrs Riley, an' all!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32It'll be tight, like.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Oh, and it's a 100 quid, and I've got a fiver so...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38we'll need to split it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59There it is, Glencaitland Farm.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Right, here's the plan. One, Jacko an' me'll go get it,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Two, Adam, get ready for a sharp getaway. Three, we'll load it up.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Four, Charlie...dinnae.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Five, jobs a done one. Right?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Let's do it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- What are they called?- Dunno. - So, who do we ask for?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29The cooker? Just say, "We're here for the cooker."
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- You say it.- You say it.- You say it. - You say it.- You say it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Yes?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38We're here for your cooker.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It's a beauty, eh?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52It's mine.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58One thing I was thinkin' aboot was, right, cos everyone was sayin',
0:11:58 > 0:12:00"Oh, war's bad", and all the rest of it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Well, why don't we just invite the terrorists over to the UK?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Like you know just to show them that it's no that bad.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10I'd be up for that. I'd be up for showing a terrorist aboot an' that, eh?
0:12:10 > 0:12:16Cos, like, I'd just take him oot and, you know, like, we could maybe go to the cinema, or...
0:12:16 > 0:12:21go for a McDonalds, or a Pizza Hut, ken? I'd be like, "I'll pay for it, there's meal deals it's fine".
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Honestly, I'd just be like that to him, ken,
0:12:23 > 0:12:28"Just take that rucksack off, just chill oot for a bit, it absolutely fine."
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And we could go for a drink, we could have a beer, I'd be just be like,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"Do you want a beer?" we'd get wrecked, talk shite for a bit.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Honestly, I tell ye, gie me a couple of weeks and they'd be like that,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"Oh, I cannae believe I wis intae that. I feel like a total mug". Ken that way?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45But, I guarantee after a while, right, after he sees it's all right,
0:12:45 > 0:12:50he'd get himsel' a two-bed in Dalgetty Bay and that'd be him settled.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Have you ever seen a tank before?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Not even during the war?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Och, well.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01this is what they look like.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Mission Accomplished, eh?
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Ma dad'll like that.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Aye, it looks all right. It's a bit old.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Aye. We should maybe test it, make sure it works?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No, we cannae, we don't have time.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Look, that took two minutes, d'you not fancy a wee warm sausage roll?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44You're a genius! I'll run a lead off the tank!
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Two minutes.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Aye, go on then. Stick one on for me.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Ah! Not in such a hurry now, are ye? Right. Let's get cooking!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Go on then, Gordon Ramsay!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Do you know what, right? I wouldnae eat anything cooked by him, do you want to know why?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06His face looks like it's rotten. It does, eh?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Anyway, just give my dad a call,
0:14:08 > 0:14:14let him know that Mission Glencaitland Cooker Freedom has been successfully completed.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Hiya, it's me. Aye, we got it.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24No, it was no bother at all, we just stuck it on the back of the tank.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The ring is heating up as we speak.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Naw, electric.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Electric.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Naw, it's electric.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Electric.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Right.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Are you sure?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Aye, electric.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50All right then, leave it wi' me.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Right, see ya later.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54What's up?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56It's the wrong one.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57How?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00It's electric, his is gas.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- But this one works fine. - I can see that, but it's the wrong one, he doesnae want it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06How can it be the wrong the one, what did the woman say?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09No much, she was too busy looking at the tank.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Ach well, least she got some money for it though, eh?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Oh, shit.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- Have you just stolen some old dear's cooker?- We'll take it back, it'll take two minutes.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- Well, we're takin' it back now.- No, wait.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27The sausage rolls aren't ready.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30OVEN TIMER PINGS
0:15:50 > 0:15:57Basically, right? The government thinks that the best way to fight terrorism is to fight the terrorists,
0:15:57 > 0:16:02which may seem, ken, like, sensible,
0:16:02 > 0:16:03but it's no'.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07It's a bit like thinkin' the best way no' to have weeds
0:16:07 > 0:16:09is to use weed killer,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13but any gardener will tell ye, that's rubbish.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15The best way no' to have weeds,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18is no' to have a garden!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Was she all right about it?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Well, ken what's funny is, first time she never said anything
0:16:25 > 0:16:28cos she thought we were going to blow up the hoose wi' the tank!
0:16:28 > 0:16:33How funny is that? She saw us an' the tank, put two and two together and came up wi' four.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- So where's the cooker? - Eh, she's got it?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37No, the other one?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Oh, aye, right. It's two minutes away!- Naw.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Honestly, right, it is on Glencaitland Farm, you were right about that,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47but it's a guy that rents the cottage, it's just over the hill.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48We don't have time!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- RADIO:- 'Alpha two zero zero, come in over.'
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Go ahead, over.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55'Current location, over.'
0:16:55 > 0:16:5715 miles north of checkpoint B,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00on schedule for an ETA of around one hour, over.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03'Ahead of schedule. Not bad, Donkeymen. Over.'
0:17:03 > 0:17:07See? There's plenty of time, nothing to worry about. This'll take...
0:17:07 > 0:17:08HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:17:08 > 0:17:10So, shall we go through the plan again?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12No!
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Oh, Jacko, I've no' seen that face since that moped went over your toe in Mosul!
0:17:17 > 0:17:18HE LAUGHS
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Right, YOU speak. Ask if there's a gas cooker for sale.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39We check it, we get out of here. Right, calm doon.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Two minutes. It'll be fine.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Can I help youse?
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Um... We're here about the ad in the paper.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- I'm no' intae guys.- Naw, the cooker?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Oh, right, aye! I was expecting youse earlier.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Come on in, lads.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Drink?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10No, thanks.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I'm awright. Ta.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Settle doon, lads!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Take a seat.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I'm ex-forces myself.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Aye?
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Look at youse! What's the matter? Is it the dress?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Naw, it suits you...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34eh, Jacko?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Eh...
0:18:37 > 0:18:38..aye.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40It's just whit I dae, eh?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Army didnae like it though.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Got caught in the female mess, trying on their gear, had tae leave.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Youse'll understand that, eh?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Aye, kind of. Um...
0:18:50 > 0:18:51But oot here,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53nae one sees me, eh?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Just me an' ma dress.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Since ma wife died, like.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Aye, eh, that's a shame but, eh, I was wondering if...
0:19:01 > 0:19:02I miss her.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Ken? I really miss her.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I just wish she was here.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11She was bonnie, like. I've got a photie.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Aye, well, she's certainly... got a face on her, eh?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23No wonder you miss her.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You married?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Naw.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32You should be. You should be. Best thing in the world being married.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- You?- No.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Would it be possible to see the cooker?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Mandy. "Big Mandy" I used to call her.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46My Big Mandy.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49She loved that cooker. She used to cook me stuff on it, you know?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- Anything nice?- Beans.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54She knew how to cook beans, all right.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55I loved her.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59An' she loved me, she wisnae bothered about me wearing a dress!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02She used to wear jeans, eh?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05What's the problem? Jeans, dresses - same thing, eh?!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- Listen, eh...- Graham.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12Graham, we're really sorry about your wife, like,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16but we're on an exercise, so...could we?
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Aye, course, sorry lads, ken? Dinnae mind me, eh?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I was in the SAS likes, eh?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Aye.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Aye! How was I no'?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I never said you weren't.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Aye you did.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Wi' your eyes!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37What?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41You think you've seen things, eh? I have seen things, I wis there.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Where?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Iraqi Embassy, 1983!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49You talkin' aboot the Iranian Embassy, 1980?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Aye! I wis at that one an' all!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Right.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57See this, I've earned this!
0:20:57 > 0:21:02I've done my time, and I dinnae appreciate youse coming round ma house, sayin I'm some sorta weirdo!
0:21:02 > 0:21:09Listen, Graham, there's nothing weird aboot you, you're just a man, in a dress, selling a cooker.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Talking of which...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Aye, of course.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Sorry, lads, eh, ken?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Nae harm meant.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Just a bit sensitive an' that, dress doesnae help.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Sorry, son. Sorry.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Nae bother.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32I loved her, youse dinnae ken!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Youse arnae married. Youse couldnae ken!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37THIS IS HER LIPSTICK!
0:21:37 > 0:21:38MANDY!
0:21:38 > 0:21:42# Oh, Mandy,
0:21:42 > 0:21:46# How you came and you gave without taking. #
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I miss you!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Hold me.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Jacko!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Whit? He fell.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Is he deid?- Um...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Aye, he's out cold. Still breathin', but.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Hello!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16This looks quite bad, eh? For youse coming in.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Aye, it does.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Dinnae.- What's there to say?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Youse do make quite a nice couple.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30THEY SNIGGER
0:22:31 > 0:22:38If I was gonna give any advice tae someone that was goin' into the army,
0:22:38 > 0:22:43it would have to be... just enjoy yourself.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I mean it's no' all a bed of chocolates right?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47But see if you like early starts,
0:22:47 > 0:22:54getting shouted at, being shot at, fighting abroad, cleaning and ironing,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57it really is the best job in the world.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Mandy?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Is that you?
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Hiya, I'm rap star Snoop Gary, and welcome tae ma crib.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26This is ma living room and ma bedroom that I share with four other guys...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29the living room is pretty good, l-i-ike!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Why don't we say hiya to one o' ma homies, DJ Jacko.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34He pulls some pretty radge sounds like.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And he's also quite moody which is reflected in his lyrics.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Piss off!- Aye, see what I mean?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And that's Charlie. So I've got tents like all over the world l-i-ike,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48just depends on where I'm workin, eh? Just depends, l-i-ike!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Great work, lads, I must say, I couldnae have done this without youse!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- See you? - Oh, come along, Mr Huffy Puff.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Gimme a thumbs up!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Close.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- Shall we cover it?- No, we'll just leave it here, there's not enough time is there, Charlie?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09No, we'll get it on the way back. Just take a note of where we are.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Done it. Sorted. Let's go.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- RADIO:- 'Alpha two zero zero, over.'
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Go ahead alpha two zero zero, over.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22'New checkpoint co-ordinates, over.'
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Go ahead, over.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28'04 06 942, over.'
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- That's where we are.- Are you sure?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Please repeat new co-ordinates. Eh, I had a thing in my ear, over.
0:24:37 > 0:24:43'You tool. New checkpoint co-ordinates 04 06 942.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46'Make your way there immediately, over.'
0:24:46 > 0:24:49We certainly will, Sarge, over and out.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- How good is that?- How lucky is that?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What are ye talkin' about, "lucky"?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Look at us, we're soldiers of fortune, we're a crack commando unit
0:24:59 > 0:25:03that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we didnae commit.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I mean, Jacko, look at you. You look like BA Baracus,
0:25:06 > 0:25:11and Adam, you are the Face Man, and Charlie, you are Amy.
0:25:11 > 0:25:18And me? Well, let's just say, "I love it when a plan comes thegither".
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Shit, it's Colonel Decker!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Who? - From the A-Team, it disnae matter.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Well, well, lads, that was quick.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Aye, we got here as soon as we could.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42You certainly did. And what's this?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- That is a cooker. - There's no getting past you, eh?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48That looks like a cooker to me too.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Aye somebody must have left it...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52probably junkies.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Probably junkies, eh?
0:25:53 > 0:25:58My, my, what a strange thing to leave in the middle of a field, on MoD secure property.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00These junkies get everywhere, eh?
0:26:00 > 0:26:06Aye! They were probably so high that they didnae even realise that you cannae plug in a cooker in a field.
0:26:06 > 0:26:12- Unless you've got a really long extension lead that they'd probably stole from someone or..- Shut up!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Anyone got a better explanation for what this is doing here?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16I thought as much.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20So this cooker, appearing out of the blue,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23well, it could be deemed to be a security threat.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Naw. It is just a cooker.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Come, come, Corporal, you know how sneaky Ally Al-Qaeda can be,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33cookers, toasters, who knows how they'll strike next.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Well, lads, you know what to do. Secure the area.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Naw. We cannae blow it up!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I mean... What would we use?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I wonder...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Target in range.- Confirmed.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Lock on target.- Target locked.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Prepare to fire.- Ready.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Sorry, Dad.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Fire!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Well, all in all, boys no' a bad manoeuvre.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- I kinda enjoyed that. - Have you been asleep?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24We've just killed my dad's cooker!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Nae respect.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31How am I going tae tell him?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34His own son.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39RINGTONE : "Respectable" by Mel And Kim
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Hello, Quickfit.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51No, Dad, it's me.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Um... The cooker?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Charlie wants to speak to you.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Hi, Mr McLintoch.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Eh, the cooker?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Aye, aye, we got it...
0:28:12 > 0:28:14but it blew up.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17No, no, we're fine, we're fine.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Aye, you're right...
0:28:21 > 0:28:23it's one of these things, eh?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Haud on.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Aye, we are near Glendale!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:47 > 0:28:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk