0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07LAUGHTER
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- I think we'll have to have... - A wee change of tactic there, son.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Aye, gie him a soft one.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16I'll gie him a soft one nae bother, right, underarm.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Right, Charlie, Charlie, we'll go underarm, right?
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Ready? One...two...three.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Hey! LAUGHTER
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Is that my Koala mug?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38You're pure oot!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41HE ROARS
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Attention!
0:01:08 > 0:01:12# Happy birthday to ya, Gary!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# Happy Birthday to ya, Gary Happy birthday!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# Happy birthday to ya, Gary. #
0:01:18 > 0:01:20You're happy.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It's my birthday!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25You're stuck in here stagging on!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Doesnae bother me. I could be getting chased down the street
0:01:28 > 0:01:30off a pack of stags and it wouldnae matter...cos?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34- It's your birthday. - Aye. Is that a card for me?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36No' unless you've changed your name to Sergeant Thomson.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39No, I haven't. What is it?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Don't know. Special MoD courier.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Must be important, eh?- Let me see?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Hmm...paper.- Aye?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Are you sure it's no' a mug, or a hammer?
0:01:53 > 0:01:59- That's a rubbish joke, cos it's clearly paper or card at best. - Aye, but what's written on it?
0:02:00 > 0:02:05"Congratulations! You have been selected for our free prize draw."
0:02:05 > 0:02:07A three-month posting to Afghanistan!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Where did that come fae? - It could be though, eh?- How?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- People have been saying.- What?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- That we might be going out. - Ach, people say stuff all the time.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Last week they were saying you could get flu fae pigs! Doesnae mean it's true!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24BUZZER
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Can I help you?- Aye!
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- We're after a gun!- A gun?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Aye, a gun! You ever heard of them?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Aye, what kind of gun?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Whit?- Gun, what kind of gun, there's loads of them.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- I thought that's what you wanted? - Aye. What have you got?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Eh...got a hand gun, machine gun, laser gun?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Laser gun?! - No, that's just a wee joke.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Oh, right. I want one like big Arnie's got in Commando!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Right, well that sounds like a great film.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Is that the one where he's got that funny wee twin?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- Naw, it's the film where he's got a big gun.- Right. OK.
0:03:07 > 0:03:13Well, I tell you the best thing to do is, eh, I'll buzz you through and get your details, all right?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33OK. So what's your name?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Eddy.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Eddy, Eddy what?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Just Eddy.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Right like, eh, Madonna or Sinitta.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42OK.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45So Eddy, did you have a budget in mind?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Aye, 50 cash...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49and 25 cheque.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Well, I'm sure we'll be able to get you something for that.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- Now is it a gift? Or is it for yourself?- Just myself.- OK.
0:03:56 > 0:04:02So, you're after a machine gun like the one Arnie's got in Commando for 50 cash, 25 cheque?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06So now it's just a matter of the money and three pieces of ID.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I've no' got three pieces of ID.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12We will need that or two and a note from your mum.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Right, I'll need to go home.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Pop home, get the documentation, and we'll see you shortly.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- What time do yous close at? - Eh, six sharp.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Right, keep it for us.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23- Certainly, sir.- Cheers, mate!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You should have said, eh... "I'll be back."
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Doesnae matter.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I don't know
0:04:29 > 0:04:32if it's a bad thing
0:04:32 > 0:04:35to adopt a poor baby from Africa.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Could you trust it, though?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I mean, I'm no' saying it would be a bad baby, right.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46It's just when you're poor, you know, you're maybe used to stealing.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Like in Oliver Twist, right, see,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I don't actually think the Artful Dodger was a bad guy, right.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56He was just used to stealing hankies, and that was the way he'd been brought up.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And like, Oliver,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00you know, from Oliver Twist right,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04he then became part of the hankie gang, right, because that was
0:05:04 > 0:05:09his new family, so like it all depends on who's round you, eh?
0:05:09 > 0:05:15Like I once seen a documentary about a girl that was brought up by cats in Russia.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I think it was cats, was it cats?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19A pack of cats?
0:05:19 > 0:05:25Is that right, a pack of cats? Anyway right, eh, when they found her she was in a right state.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26I think it was Moscow.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Anyway right, anyway, she was doin' stuff like a cat,
0:05:31 > 0:05:36ken, like quite moody and that, but, oh, it just makes you think, eh?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I wonder what it would be like to be brought up by animals,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43like penguins,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46or cows,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48cos it does happen, eh?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Sometimes it makes you really appreciate what you've got.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Look at you!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00What?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Staring at that envelope like it's a matter of life or death.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Very funny! Who was that?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Just a guy trying tae buy a gun.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09- No' another one?- Aye.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Is he coming back?- Aye, in a bit.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Just put it down.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Think about something more positive,
0:06:19 > 0:06:20like my birthday!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Are you no even bothered?
0:06:22 > 0:06:27Nut, no' the day, cos it's my birthday.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29# Happy birthday to me, Gary
0:06:29 > 0:06:34# Happy birthday to me, Gary
0:06:34 > 0:06:37# Happy birthday dear Ga-ary! #
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- There ye go.- What's this?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It's your present.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Oh...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46which I see you've wrapped nicely in a plastic bag.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- Oh, I didnae have time! - That's all right. Well, it might be.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52What's this?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Oh.- Remember when that was taken?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Nut, cos I was asleep. - Aye, but remember.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03You'd been stagging on for 20 hours, and you came back and you were that tired, you were slurring your words.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08And then you tried to eat a bar of chocolate and fell asleep - couldnae wake you up!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Aye, so you wrote "Dick" on my forehead?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13That's reassuring, what if I'd been deid?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- And then Thomson came in. - And took a photie and now...
0:07:17 > 0:07:19it's a fashion range!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You never know, it might take off.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Imagine, T-shirts wi' your face on it - you'd get kids out in the street wearing them!
0:07:25 > 0:07:30And then we could get different ones wi' different pictures like "fanny" and "baws" written across your face.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35Right. That's enough. Thanks. Well, thanks for that.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Remember it was your birthday no' long after?- How can I forget?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47What about that present we got you, you were spoilt!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- What was her name, Sally? - Aye. Sally the goat. She liked you.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Naw, she never.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- She ate my sheets! - Oh, that was funny.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And shat in my boots.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02That wasnae Sally!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28GIGGLING
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Just to let anyone know who hasnae heard.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Today is my birthday!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Thank you.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10What are you doing?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Nothing, just...- Just looking like you've watched too many Murder She Wrotes.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I just want to know if we're going out.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20What, me and you? Naw, we're no', it would never work.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Can you no' be serious for just one second?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Aye, sorry.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Forget about it!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Look, if we're going out, we're going out. If we're no', we're no'.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35It still doesn't change the fact that today is my birthday!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37And so I'm no' thinking about that.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Doesnae mean I cannae think about it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Right, well what is it you're thinking about so loudly?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Don't know. It just makes you think a wee bit, eh?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49If you weren't doing this, then what would you do?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Right, so that's what this is all about, right -
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- you're dreaming of pastries new.- Maybe.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57So what's it this time, fireman again?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Midwife?- Shut up. Have you never thought about doing anything else?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03'Course I have!
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Sometimes I dream about being the guy in the zoo that feeds the giraffe,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10but that's just fantasy, Charlie, I could never dae that!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- How no?- Cos I'm no' tall enough.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20- So what would you do if you werenae doing this?- I'm no' sure,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21maybe a shop, sell stuff?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Oh. That sounds like a great shop. What kind of stuff?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I don't know, I'm just thinking.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Well, if I were you, I'd stop thinkin' and put that envelope down,
0:10:30 > 0:10:36cos at the moment all you've got is a shop that sells "stuff" and I'm no dragon fae the den, right,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39but see if the bank says to you, "What d'you want the money for?" And you say, "Oh, my shop,"
0:10:39 > 0:10:43and they go, "Oh, that's really exciting, what are ye gonna sell?" And you go, "Stuff".
0:10:43 > 0:10:47They're gonna say, "Well ye're no gonnae get the money, have you thought about a career in the Army?"
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Aw right, you finished?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52For now, I may give you more advice as I see fit.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56I have become so knowledgeable since my recent advance in age.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Ya fanny!
0:10:58 > 0:10:59MOBILE RINGTONE
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Oh, that'll be another birthday well wisher.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Have you ever had a text, Charlie?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07No. "Happy birthday, is it today?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12"I'm sure it's today, is it? Tell me it is. Phone you in a minute. Julie."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- I'm away to do the perimeter. - Very well,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20but may I request that on your return that you avoid the talking of so much shite.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Enjoy the walk, dear boy!
0:11:23 > 0:11:28No, eh, I don't vote myself, but um,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30but that's cos...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32you know, everything's OK.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'm quite happy, you know,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I don't see the point. We've got shops and...
0:11:38 > 0:11:39a cinema.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I mean, I think they should vote, I think they should. I mean,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47that's why that woman got hit by a horse.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51So that they could get the vote so,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I think they should. I mean if they want good shops,
0:11:54 > 0:11:58if they want a McDonalds, if they want, you know, like,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02an HMV or whatever, that's what you need to do.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04So, um,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I think for them...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12..that's important, that's what a democracy is.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That is funny, eh, look at you!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20What a cock!
0:12:20 > 0:12:21And it says "dick"!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Aye, I see that.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Em, did you and Charlie perhaps talk about getting a T-shirt done with this picture on it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30How?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Watch.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Bastard!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I said I was getting it!
0:12:41 > 0:12:45But mine is better. "What a cock" is funnier than "Yes, I'm in charge."
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Aye, it's a close call, eh, I'll maybe choose which one to wear later.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58- Aw right?- Ho! I said I was getting the T-shirt?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Naw, I was getting it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- What's that?- That's the T-shirt.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06The funny one. Yours is shite.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10"What a cock." That's no' very nice.
0:13:10 > 0:13:16- It's a joke!- Aye, but they're both really funny, so thanks for that. It's the thought.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22So what's all this bullshit you've been spouting?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- What?- I've told him about your shop.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- What shop?- You thinking about jacking it in?- I never said that!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I was just thinking what I would be doing if I wasnae doing this?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Yeah. Well, don't bother thinking about it, cos it'll no' happen,
0:13:34 > 0:13:39cos I don't want some wee fanny o' a replacement. I'm just about used to you!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Is that a compliment? - No, it's no'!
0:13:42 > 0:13:47I'm just saying dinnae... go and open a shop, right?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- See Jacko, he's got himsel' in a right state over this.- What is it?
0:13:53 > 0:13:59- Well, that's £64 question, eh? - A letter for Sarge, it might be sayin' we're going back out?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- So what are you greetin' about? If we are, we are.- That's what I said. But he's kind of a bit worried.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Naw, I'm no'!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07It just makes you think a bit, eh?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Have you never thought about doing anything else?
0:14:09 > 0:14:14Nut. Even if I had, I wouldnae tell you - not unless I was actually going to do it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Well, maybe I will dae it! - All right, well do it then!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Stop milking it! - I'm no' milking it!- Em.
0:14:20 > 0:14:26Did yous keep the receipt for these? Cos I'm gonna be honest,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I'm no' convinced.
0:14:28 > 0:14:34Aye, I do remember the first time they telt us we were going out.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35They had us in this...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37like, big hall.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And, eh, the Major was there, ken?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44Posh apples in his mouth, and, eh, he says, eh,
0:14:44 > 0:14:48"Right, lads, I've, I've got some news you might be expecting."
0:14:49 > 0:14:57And for some reason I heard this right, and I leant into Jacko and I said em, I said, "I'm no' pregnant."
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Right, cos, cos he'd said, expecting, ken like...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06..a baby. You know that sayin', right,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10and it might no' sound that funny but Jacko started laughin', like I thought he was gonnae
0:15:10 > 0:15:14piss himself right, like honestly, I really thought he was, right.
0:15:14 > 0:15:20And the hall was, it was that quiet and our Sarge was lookin' at us from the stage,
0:15:20 > 0:15:25and cos he was laughin' so much, like, I started right, and I swear to God, I couldnae stop myself
0:15:25 > 0:15:30and every time I just about got it together, he would go, and then that would start me off again, like.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34So we're both there like trying to haud it in,
0:15:34 > 0:15:40but cryin' wi' laughter, right. There's this boy sayin' to us we're goin' out to Iraq,
0:15:40 > 0:15:44and then there's other laddies beside us trying no' tae greet.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47But it's that way, eh?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Sometimes you've just got to laugh.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Especially if it's funny.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Aye-aye!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- So how's the birthday boy?- Regal!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I'm Benson and Hedges myself!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- So what's this I hear about you buying a shop?- Whit?
0:16:06 > 0:16:11- I never said that! - Well, it's all over the barracks, spread faster than my crabs!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15He's even named it - "Charlie's Shop for Shite Stuff".
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Look, see before you decide to leave us, Charlie, I've got a wee story for ye.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22See when I was a wee boy,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25there was a lad livin' on my scheme, called Fab.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Cos he always had one of they daft lollies in his mouth.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Fat lad, right,
0:16:29 > 0:16:33and he would always the one that would head up to your door, wantin' to play fitba.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37And the thing was, he always had a new baw, he was a spoilt kid,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40a gleamin' white leather baw,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and see if you said naw to him, he would always keep on at ye.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"C'mon, let's play, let's play."
0:16:45 > 0:16:48And there's somethin' about a new baw, eh?
0:16:48 > 0:16:54It makes ye want to play. Anyway, he would dae this - he would go round all the houses getting
0:16:54 > 0:16:59a team together. We go to the pitch, start the game and then about 20 minutes in, he'd pick up his ball,
0:16:59 > 0:17:04and piss aff hame, sayin' he was bored, sayin' he had to go, sayin' he was hungry, whatever.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09See after a while? A lot of kids stopped playin' wi' him, cos they were sick of him being a twat.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12But I didnae, I still went down, because I loved playing wi' a new baw.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Do you know what I mean?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Naw.- I dinnae either. Adam, what are you talking about?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- I'm saying that.- I'm like Fab, a fat, spoilt, selfish kid?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Naw, I'm saying... - That you like footballs?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I did. Well, I do.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Look... Ah, shite, I've lost my thread.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34You do what you want, and people respect you for your decisions.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I'm completely lost.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- I'm no' going tae lie to you. - You just think about it, right?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Oh, shit, before I forget.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh, aye, it is my birthday, I'd almost forgotten!
0:17:45 > 0:17:50What's this? What is this...
0:17:50 > 0:17:51a hoof?!
0:17:51 > 0:17:55It's a lucky goat's hoof. I thought you might recognise it...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57or her? It's Sally! I kept it from the barbecue!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Are you actually kidding me?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04A charcoaled goat's hoof that was part of his present fae last year.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- I mean, what is going on wi' the presents?- But it's good luck!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- A rabbit's foot is good luck! - Close enough!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Right, best go, lot on today, busy-busy!
0:18:12 > 0:18:17So you, enjoy your birthday. ..And you, don't be a fanny!
0:18:17 > 0:18:22Aye right, but see even if aw the wars in all the world stopped,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24you'd still need an army.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26You would.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30You just would, right, cos even if everyone promised that they would
0:18:30 > 0:18:36never, ever be any more hassle, you'd still be, like, "They're lying".
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Ken that way, when someone says something and you think,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42"They're lying". But you dinnae change your face,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46you just keep it, like, really still and you might even say,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49"Oh, right? Oh, that's good,"
0:18:49 > 0:18:52but you're thinking "They're lying".
0:18:52 > 0:18:58But, I tell you when you see it the most, right, see when Gordon Broon,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02or any other, ken, top boy meets another top boy, or girl, right,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06in front of number nine or the White Hoose or whatever,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09see when they dae that thing for all the photos,
0:19:09 > 0:19:14when they like shake hands, and they're smiling and they'll say,
0:19:14 > 0:19:21"I promise we are the bestest friends ever, cross my heart, hope to die,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24"you can come up to the tree house," and all that.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You just think "They're lying".
0:19:27 > 0:19:30But he said to come back, and this is me back!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32He's just popped out.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I'm sorry I cannae help you, I only deal wi' grenades.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38What kind of gun was it?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41One like Big Arnie Schwarzenegger's in Commando.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Popular. I'll have a look.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Naw. It's no' there. Sorry. You'll have to come back later.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It's no' there, that's pure shady man!
0:19:57 > 0:20:03- What a spoon, eh? - I must say, Charlie, your customer service standards are exemplary.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05There's hope for your shite shop yet.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Charlie, dinnae, it's Julie! She's supposed to be at the bingo.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Maybe she won!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:22< Come on!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Gary, don't just stand there, help me, it's on fire!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Put it down then.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- I cannae!- Just put it down.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38See I lit the candles in the car, cos I wanted to open the box and then they would be lit
0:20:38 > 0:20:43and that would be really exciting, but then the whole box went on fire! That's why I was driving like that.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I think it's really improved your driving!
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Shut up, Jacko! I hardly ever crash now. Oh...
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Surprise!- Oh, aye! Surprise!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Surprise.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- What?- Come on!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you... # Charlie!
0:21:02 > 0:21:06# Happy birthday, brilliant Gary
0:21:06 > 0:21:11# Happy birthday to you! #
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Very tuneful. A lot like Songs Of Praise, but in praise of me. Bring it in then.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22'Soulja boy.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26'I got the new dance for y'all called the soulja boy.'
0:21:26 > 0:21:30# You gotta punch then crank back three time from left to right
0:21:33 > 0:21:36# Soulja boy in it, oh Watch me crank it, watch me roll
0:21:36 > 0:21:39# Watch me crank dat soulja boy Then superman dat oh
0:21:39 > 0:21:42# Now watch me, you Crank dat soulja boy
0:21:42 > 0:21:44# Crank dat soulja boy Now watch me you
0:21:44 > 0:21:47# Crank dat soulja boy Now watch me you
0:21:47 > 0:21:48# Soldier boy off in this oh
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# Watch me crank it, watch me roll
0:21:50 > 0:21:53# Watch me crank day soulja boy Then superman dat oh
0:21:53 > 0:21:55# Now watch me you Crank dat soulja boy
0:21:55 > 0:21:59# You crank dat soulja boy Now I mean you crank dat soulja boy
0:21:59 > 0:22:00# You crank dat soulja boy
0:22:00 > 0:22:04# Soulja boy off in this oh Watch me lean and watch me rock
0:22:04 > 0:22:05# Superman that oh! #
0:22:05 > 0:22:08THEY CHEER
0:22:10 > 0:22:12That's quite a nice cake, Julie.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13And who's that?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Only your famous friend that you share a birthday with!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Who, Oprah Winfrey?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20No, Osama Bin Laden!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Really? I share the same birthday as Osama Bin Laden.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Well, that'll give us something to talk about if I ever meet him, eh?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Oh, aye, cheeky wee man, I see it noo, with his beard and that, eh?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You see, this is mare like a birthday noo.
0:22:33 > 0:22:39I knew ye's were up tae something what with those stupid t-shirts and that hoof, eh?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- What did ye's really get me? - That t-shirt was good.- So was mine.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Adam?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Awright, it wisnae just the hoof...
0:22:51 > 0:22:53ta-da!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55That's nice, Gary.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Look, it's you!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05It is nice to get presents from home, em,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08although last time I was oot there,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11my aunty sent me Halford's vouchers,
0:23:13 > 0:23:1615 quid's worth.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Gary, I got this for you,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- happy birthday.- Thanks very much.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It's not a t-shirt or an animal part is it?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25It's a goose!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27That was a joke that didnae work.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Just open it!
0:23:33 > 0:23:39Oh, look at that, eh? We could put that on a t-shirt wi' a slogan, eh?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Yeah! See, instead of "I'm a fanny" we could have, like,
0:23:42 > 0:23:48"We are brilliant, and totally hard and we won the war, stop messin' wi' us, ever, cos we're heroes."
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I like that, Julie.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Yous are heroes.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56You know what I like about this wan?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- You're all smiling. - Aye, we werenae long out.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I remember that day, cos we'd had, eh, sponge wi' custard.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- Yous have got such a great job. - It wis good sponge that. I liked it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Aye, you wouldnae get sponge wi' custard if you worked in a shoap.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- You might.- Shut up, Charlie. That's a good present, Julie.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Thanks.- Sorry to interrupt,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20I was looking for some on duty soldiers
0:24:20 > 0:24:26but it seems I've drifted into a really shit birthday party.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- Sorry, Major. - Sergeant.- Major Sergeant.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35It's aw my fault, see, what it wis wis, I was trying to organise a birthday party for Gary
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- but then the cake went on fire in the car, so that was something. - On your way.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oh, nice t-shirt, by the way.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Funny and factual.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Thanks, Major. Oh, help yourself to cake.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Right, I'll see you later.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I was expecting some mail today.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Was that a letter addressed to Sergeant Thomson?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Get me that letter!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Sorry, Sergeant. - Shut up, Postman Pat!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12So, leaving your post, lads, pretty serious, eh?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Preventing soldiers from doing their duty, not good.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- But leaving the army altogether. - I never said I was leaving.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Well, you better tell me what you did say because the rumour is you've bought a shop in Carlisle!
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Naw, I was just thinking about it, and then I said to Gary.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30- About his shoap.- Enough.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35So he's thinking about running a shop, anyone else?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I did say something about the zoo, but I hadnae really thought it through.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42So, a shopkeeper, a zookeeper. What about you monkeys?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44DOOR OPENS
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- Sorry to interrupt, but there's a man here to collect a gun.- What?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I don't care if you do have a note from your mum!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Read my lips - fuck off!
0:26:15 > 0:26:20Lads, I'm trying really hard to forget the past few minutes.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Now, if I'm going tae open this envelope I need to know if we're a unit or no.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Never mind thinking about a shop or a zoo, or whatever.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Are yous in, or are yous out?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Jackson?- Sarge, I'm in.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Kenning.- Definitely in!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38McLintoch?
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Ahm in.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Smith?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Aye. I'm in.
0:26:48 > 0:26:55OK. Now, in future, you think about tying your shoe laces you come tae me first, do ye understand?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Sarge.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07You're going out.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18To the old folks home, as part of our community relations programme.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22You will all be required to memorise an old war song and lead the singing.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# We'll meet again
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Dinny ken where. #
0:27:30 > 0:27:33So, is that it?
0:27:33 > 0:27:39No, you and Dame Vera Lynne's commitment to being idiots has earned you extended guard duty!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42But, Sarge, it's my birthday!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45And you can cry if you want to.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Oh, it would have been a shite shop.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51The rates in Carlisle are no as cheap as you might think.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54My brother's got a banjo shop in the centre of town.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Think on.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Two minutes tae it's no your birthday,
0:28:20 > 0:28:21any last words?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# Happy birthday, Gary!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# Happy birthday, Gary.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Dun-dun do dun-unuda. #
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:51 > 0:28:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk