0:00:02 > 0:00:03- Hai!- Hai!- Hai!
0:00:03 > 0:00:04- Hai!- Hai!- Hai!
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Hiya!- Hiya!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44HUM OF CHATTER
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Stand easy.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58OK, chaps, first up, huge congrats.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Mission, er, done.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05Now I know we're all looking forward to getting home soon to see Mummy, but unfortunately...
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Oh, God...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Oh... I'm a little
0:01:10 > 0:01:14bit under the... Sergeant, I'll leave you... Oh.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Thank you, Captain. A rousing send-off indeed.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Best of luck.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22OK, beetroots, listen up.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Your 48 hours of decompression awaits
0:01:25 > 0:01:29and I know you're more desperate to go than my incontinent grandmother.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31However, thanks to the delay caused by
0:01:31 > 0:01:39Tony Taliban and his terrible chums, your Crab Air flight to Cyprus has been filled and has now departed.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40GRUMBLING
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Naw! I swear to God I've had it up to here with Anthony Taliban.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Well said, Corporal. The Tony Ts are total dicks.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50How would they feel if we delayed them to their flight to Cyprus?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I'm sure they wouldnae be too fussed, they're quite a homely bunch really.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Aye, they don't stay at home enough for me.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57This is a nightmare.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I'm meant to be meeting Big Glenda the medic in Cyprus for a special examination.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05As in, first come, first served, Glenda?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07First served, first come, ma boy!
0:02:07 > 0:02:13Shut up! Now I suggest you lot make the most of the concrete floor and get some kip.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Updates will be given on a need-to-know basis. Of course, you lot...
0:02:17 > 0:02:18ALL: Don't need to know.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23At ease. Oh, what a relief.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Back chimney swept. Now, I take it, Sergeant, you've told the
0:02:28 > 0:02:30men about you and I, er, you know?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33WOLF WHISTLE
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Thank you, Captain, I was just getting to it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Due to important MoD business, Captain Fanshaw and I won't be
0:02:42 > 0:02:48joining you on the flight out as we've been asked to meet and greet a visiting dignitary.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Ross Kemp. So there you are.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Looking forward to it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Right, at ease.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00You heard the Captain, carry on.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Ross Kemp?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Dignitary my arse. - At least he comes out.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Has he come out?- Aye aye.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13I dinnae mind Ross Kemp, it's his brother I don't like - Phil.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15He looks like a Scotch egg.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I hate eggs, Scotch or foreign.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21You mean Phil Mitchell?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Aye, his brother.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Ross Kemp and his brother Phil Mitchell?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31All right then, his half brother.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42I couldnae really tell you what's happened to the war on terror.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I think it's still going.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47It's a bit like that soap, Doctors.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50It's still on, but naebody's really interested in it.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I mean, is it really too much to ask to get here on time, get on
0:03:55 > 0:03:59the flight, have a sleep, wake up in Cyprus, have a brilliant time, win a scratch card and go home?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Is that too much to ask? Was it?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Seems pretty reasonable to me. - I cannae wait to get back.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08I'm gonnae get pished and laid, in that order.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13- Lucky her.- Aye.- See when I get back, I just want to sit down with a cup of tea and read the paper.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15What, then go down the Post Office and pick up your pension?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Hope it's raining and all, I like that cool drizzle on my face.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I fancy a run up the back woods.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26- Drizzle and a run? Are youse kidding me?- Naw.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28A run when it's no burning my lungs?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Cool air. Nice.- Aye, you willnae be saying that in a week.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You'll be wishing you were back here on Operation Burnt Coupon!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Aye, youse have completed that mission, eh?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Look at the state of youse. - What are you saying?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40You were the one panic tanning. I'm bronzed.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44With me, the tan transition's usually about 72 hours. So by Wednesday, all this will be brown.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Eh, you're talking broon.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49In 72 hours you'll still be talking broon.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Anyway, you keep up that good chat, Charlie ma boy, cos I'm wanting some kip.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Fail.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Night-night ladies, sleep tight.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Dinnae let the big massive Afghan bugs bite.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Like...
0:05:06 > 0:05:09MUSIC: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- # All the single ladies - All the single ladies
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- # All the single ladies - All the single ladies
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- # All the single ladies, - All the single ladies
0:05:16 > 0:05:19# All the single ladies Now put your hands up
0:05:19 > 0:05:21# Up in the club, we just broke up
0:05:21 > 0:05:24# I'm doing my own little thing
0:05:24 > 0:05:26# You decided to dip And now you want a trip
0:05:26 > 0:05:28# Cos another brother noticed me
0:05:28 > 0:05:31# I'm up on him He up on me
0:05:31 > 0:05:33# Don't pay him any attention
0:05:33 > 0:05:36# Just cried my tears for three good years
0:05:36 > 0:05:38# You can't be mad at me
0:05:38 > 0:05:41# Cos if you liked it Then you should have put a ring on it
0:05:41 > 0:05:43# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
0:05:43 > 0:05:46# Don't be mad once you see That he want it
0:05:46 > 0:05:48# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
0:05:48 > 0:05:51# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
0:05:51 > 0:05:53# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:05:53 > 0:05:56# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
0:05:56 > 0:05:58# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:05:58 > 0:06:01# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
0:06:01 > 0:06:03# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it... #
0:06:03 > 0:06:06MUSIC: "Orinoco Flow" by Enya FAINTLY FROM iPOD
0:06:06 > 0:06:10GARY SINGS TUNELESSLY: # Oh-oh-oh sail away, sail away
0:06:10 > 0:06:12# Sail a... Oh-oh-oh
0:06:15 > 0:06:17# Sail away, sail away, sail... #
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- What is it?- You. Stop singing.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I'm trying to get a kip.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I wasn't singing.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I was having a nice dream there.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30What aboot?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Massive 99
0:06:34 > 0:06:37with a flake that was the size of a log.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39And the boy only charged me 20p.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Then he was a squirrel,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44then he woke me up.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49That's funny - I was thinking of a 69.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Wi' Glenda.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Wi' your tiny flake?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I've never had a 69.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Always a 99.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Always a flake. Sometimes with hundreds and thousands.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05SNIGGERING
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What?
0:07:11 > 0:07:16No. I cannae sleep.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I cannae do a back flip. What do you want me to do about it?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I was just thinking, some of it was all right, yeah?
0:07:22 > 0:07:28Aye, last week with Gary getting that beastin' off Thomson. That was brilliant.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I thought he was going to end you.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33So did I.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Did you do it?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Naw. Mebbe.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41It was fun, eh?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Superglue.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Just his face, it was redder than a skelped arse, eh?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Aye - it didnae help his big baldy burnt coupon. He was like that,
0:07:52 > 0:07:56"Corporal McLintoch, while you may think it's funny to leave superglue
0:07:56 > 0:08:03"on the lavvy bowl, I can assure you, if I had proof, I would court martial you for being a total bam.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"You're so stupid you remind me of my wife, who's a pure... "
0:08:06 > 0:08:08(Ahem! Thomson!)
0:08:10 > 0:08:14"..and innocent lady." That's what I said to my uncle after I played that,
0:08:14 > 0:08:19you know, trick on him which I've never played on anyone, ever since, you know.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24And the reason he called me Corporal - because he was mental, he thought I was in the Army.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh!
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Sergeant Thomson.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31What a lovely surprise.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35A few years ago, there was a boy in my platoon thought he was a joker.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37A real funny guy. But he wasn't.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39He wasn't funny at all.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42So one day we sorted him out.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Do you want to know what we did?
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Bought him a joke book?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Aye, a joke book to the hospital.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Think on!
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Right, muppets, your allocated flight will leave at 0600 hours.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59GRUMBLING
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Come on, Sarge, I'm on a promise. Is there nae other flights?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05There is a flight leaving shortly, but it is full.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10So it looks like your tuppenny hoor will not be seeing your white arse and your burnt noggin' quite yet.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Sorry Sarge, can I just check...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Is it full as in full, or full like, ken,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17with a cinema when it's full, but oh, look, there's loads of seats?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Full as in full. As in you are full of pish. Understood?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Yes, Sarge. Thank you.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- 12 hours?- And seven minutes.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I swear, if there was like a war Points of View, I would complain.
0:09:40 > 0:09:46- Twice.- Come on, boys, there's got to be another way of getting' on that flight. Ma baws are burstin'.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- We just need to barter.- We cannae batter folk for the tickets.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53No, barter. As in exchange of goods.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56What, as in... Are you talking about like swapsies?
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Aye? I'm up for that, aye, that's what I am, I'm up for that, you ken what I mean?
0:10:01 > 0:10:07Need, need, need, got, got, get on that plane, we're away, that's it. Well, let's do it then. Let's do it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10What've we got? Get your kit out for the lads, let's see it.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Porn cards, a book, a packet of chewing gum and a couple of pens.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17That wouldn't get us on the bus.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20That would take ages anyway. What about your iPod?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21What about yours?
0:10:21 > 0:10:26- I cannae find it.- Shut up.- I swear.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Pocket.- Aw thanks, I was looking for that. Ach, cannae.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Come on, I've put my cards in.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Aye, cards isn't the same as an iPod.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39They're classics, they don't make them like that any mair. 100% natural. Look, nae trimmin'.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41The cards are all right.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Some other wee chugger will take them.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The iPods are a last resort.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I'll end up killing Charlie if I have to listen to his chat on the plane.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Hold on, you've only put an old pair of cracked sunglasses in.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Aye, what're you saying?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- You only put a book in.- A book?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57War and Peace is no' just a book.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Aye it is, front cover, back cover, pages in the middle. It's a book.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Have you read it? - I don't need to read it.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06It's War and Peace, I ken all aboot that. Why are you even reading it?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09It's on my list of 50 things to do before I'm 25.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- What number are you at? - 18.- 19. Shut it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Right, who is the target for this?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Erm... - Do you know any of the RAF bods?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- No. How?- They're in charge of the flights.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Oh, I know, the RAF bods.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26They're in charge of the flights. Just take it right to the top.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Take them the bag of swag, Bob's your auntie, Jeff's your new stepdad.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Good idea.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Four tickets, mind.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37First class.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I'll dae mair than that.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I'll get you four tickets in pure class.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Knock, knock.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Knock, knock.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Yes?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Em, are you like, to do with the flights and that?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Well, I hope so. I work for the RAF.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Flight Lieutenant Bradshaw. You are?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Corporal Gary McLintoch, Army.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Was there something in particular?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Em, well, like,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27me and the boys, like...
0:12:27 > 0:12:28We love the RAF, honestly.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31We think it's like the best part of the Army that flies.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33And, em, I was just wondering...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- ..do you like cards?- Playing cards?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I play bridge when I can.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46- And have you ever read War and Peace?- Yes. In the original Russian.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Well, you'll love this then, it's in easy to read English.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Great. Thanks.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Do you eat chewing gum?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Yes. Mostly after onions.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You intae graffiti?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Not really.- Never mind.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05You have been selected for a free prize draw on one condition.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07That you do a swapsies for me and my boys to get on the next flight.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Corporal, while I appreciate your offer I'm afraid I don't accept bribes.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Although the cards would come in handy. For bridge.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19All right then, why don't you keep the cards,
0:13:19 > 0:13:24but what if I gave you these as well and you accepted them,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and in exchange you let us on to the next flight?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29That would still be a bribe.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- What about an iPod? - Still a bribe.- Right.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Look, if you were to swap your wares for flight tickets with
0:13:35 > 0:13:40some of the other soldiers, without my knowledge, and without incident, and I do mean without incident,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43then that would be a matter for your concern.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Right, so you don't want to know that I'm going to swap these for, like, tickets for flights?- No.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- So I shouldn't have told you. - No, that's fine.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Right. Should I tell someone else?- No. Discussion over.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Good luck.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55With nothing.
0:13:55 > 0:14:01Cheers, em, Grand Master Flight Lieutenant...Bradshaw.
0:14:01 > 0:14:07Good effort though, Corporal. Can't fault you for trying to get your men home quicker.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Just want to get back, eh?- Aye.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11It's the wee things that you miss.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15For me it's a 69 and a flake.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Cheers.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Do youse want to swap your flights?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I've got playing cards, a book and some chewing gum.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Nah.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Aye, youse are laughing now,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49but you willnae be laughing on the plane...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51to Cyprus.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Swapsies, swap your flight, flight your swap.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Swap it, swap it, doubler, need, need, got?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Swap your flight? Flight your swaps. Swap it, swap it, doubler, doubler, need, come on now.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04War and Peace? You'll no get fleeced. Into your Tolstoy?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Give me four tickets for my boys.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Chewing gum? Good for diges-tion.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Doesnae bother me, I'll get masel a private jet.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18See you there, eh?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Here, mate.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Word is you're looking to swap your flights?- Aye.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Great, so am I.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Brilliant. Right what do you want?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I'll give you all this. Not just the stuff but the bag as well.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33No, no, no, you're fine, I don't want any of that.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Nothin'? You beauty.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38In fact, I'm going to give you something.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Aye?- What's your name?- Gary.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Very pleased to meet you, Gary. Cammy.
0:15:44 > 0:15:50Now, Gary, what would you say if I was to tell you that in my pocket
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I had four tickets to Sharkworld?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I'd probably say, "What's Sharkworld?"
0:15:58 > 0:16:01In fact, that's what I'm going to go with. What is Sharkworld?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02I'll tell you exactly what it is.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It's amazing, that's what it is.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Imagine a place full of sharks.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Does that sound good to you?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12It depends. Am I like in wi' them?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- No.- Then it does sound good.
0:16:15 > 0:16:23Would it sound even better if I told you I had four VIP tickets, best comfy seats in the house
0:16:23 > 0:16:28at Cyprus's premier aquatic attraction?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Sharkworld.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32VIP tickets and comfy seats?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Aye, that sounds even better.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40So, you would give me four seats onto your flight
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- and give me four VIP tickets. - To Sharkworld.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You've said it, that's the deal.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Brilliant. Hold on, when's your flight?
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Some time later tomorrow afternoon, but come on, never mind about that.
0:16:54 > 0:17:01We were just saying, we were just saying, how good it would be to be VIP kings for the day.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Naw, mate, naw, I cannae. No if your flight's after mine.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08No, no, fair enough.
0:17:08 > 0:17:15I was just thinking, you know, with you being VIP kings for the day you wouldn't be in a rush,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19because VIPs don't rush. Do they?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Naw.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24What's a couple of hours to a bunch of guys to chat,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27relax and talk about how amazing Sharkworld's going to be?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It is, it's going to be amazing.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I wish you were my corporal. I wish you were my corporal.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38If I'd been a lower rank and my corporal had come to me and said I've got four VIP tickets to...
0:17:38 > 0:17:45- Sharkworld.- I'd be that chuffed. I'd be like, "I cannot believe it, VIPs, we're going to be kings for a day."
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Aye, we're gonnae be like kings for the day...
0:17:48 > 0:17:54at Sharkworld. Comfy seats. The boys are gonnae love this. Aye, all right then, let's do it.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Thanks.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Aye.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07The problem with the Middle East, right, is that cos it's hot,
0:18:07 > 0:18:14all year round and the leaders have got to wear suits all the time, they get irritated, like mair easily.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18See, don't get me wrong, like, I love the heat.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I soak it up like a wet sun sponge, eh,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24but if I had to wear a suit every day and meet folk I didnae like,
0:18:24 > 0:18:29you'd just be like, "Ah, no, I'm roasting, this is daein ma heid in.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33"Just bomb them. I'm heading back to the hoose to get ma shorts on and hit ma pool, eh?"
0:18:33 > 0:18:36You would, eh?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38See, it just shows.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41The sun is really powerful.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44In more ways than we knew.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Lads, lads, lads, get up, get up, get up, get up.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- You swapped the seats? - I certainly did. I like that.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Ya beauty, Gary, c'mon move it.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56No, no, not yet, in a bit.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- What d'you mean? - Just give me a minute, Stromboli,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03cos I've got some rather exciting news.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05We're on the flight. When's it leaving?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Don't worry about that, we've got ages. To chat.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Ach, it's no been delayed has it?
0:19:09 > 0:19:14Right. I, Gary, your favourite corporal, has managed to get his
0:19:14 > 0:19:20hands on no' one, no' two, no' three, no' five,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23but four VIP tickets to...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Anyone?- Hurry up.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Only Cyprus's favourite aquatic
0:19:33 > 0:19:40premier destination attraction - Sharkworld.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Aye, very good, but did you get us on the next flight?
0:19:44 > 0:19:49No, I swapped our seats for a later flight. But are you no' listening to me?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Four VIP tickets to Sharkworld.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54As in THE Sharkworld.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57What are you talking about? What later flight?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00It leaves like a couple of hours after ours, but what does that matter, eh?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02We don't need to rush.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04We're VIPs.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05No.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08No, Gary, you havenae?
0:20:08 > 0:20:14Gary, you've no' swapped our flight for a later flight for Fishworld tickets?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Mate, please tell me you've no done that.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- You better no' have done that.- Aye...
0:20:22 > 0:20:25But it's Sharkworld.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28VIPs.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Kings for the day, comfy seats, that's what he said.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- Who?- Cammy.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I was tired.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43He said to me like if his corporal got him tickets for Sharkworld
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- that would have been amazing. - Ach, ma boy.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50- I thought youse would like it. He never even took the stuff. - Well, that was good of him(!)
0:20:50 > 0:20:53No, no, no, no!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59So do youse no' want to go?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00No!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02We want to leave here.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06We want to leave this flea-infested shit hole!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Right.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11What does this Cammy look like?
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Em, he's average height,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20average...build, average hair,
0:21:20 > 0:21:21a man?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Did you see that 'tache on Jacko's face?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31That is funny.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38C'mon then, cannae stand about all day. C'mon.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46True friends are people who, no matter what happens,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49in any situation, over
0:21:49 > 0:21:55any given time period, in any place in the whole world,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57think you're amazing.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Ma friends do think I'm amazing.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05So I suppose...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08..they're very lucky to have me.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Lads, some broken glasses, chewing gum, and mega muff playing cards aren't going to be enough.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Have to up the stakes with this one.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Your watch and your iPod for starters.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Right, I hope you can sleep at night.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25In fact, I hope you don't sleep at night,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I hope you have like a really restless sleep and need the toilet a lot.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Cos this is just unbelievable.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Who was it?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Was this you?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- Oh? No.- Wisnae me.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38I'm allergic to marker pens.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42It willnae come off. Every bastard's pissing themselves at me.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Who, you?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46The Victorian Freddie Mercury?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49You'd better shave it off before people start asking for requests.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Did you say anything? I'll shave your balls off, you wee prick.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Calm doon, Jacko.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56That was a really weird thing to say.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Right, c'mon Cammy, give us the flight tickets back.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Cammy?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, ho, ho.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Right! Leave it! Enough, Ultimate Warrior!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I'm sorting this oot.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10What have I got here?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Enya, Enya, Enya, Sting?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17No, no, that's not going to be enough.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20What, cos of your bad taste in music?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Deal's off, guys, enjoy your day out.- Wait!
0:23:37 > 0:23:42ACDC, Motorhead, not bad.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Westlife?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Ma sister put that on.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- You got a problem with that?- No, no, no, I don't have a problem with it.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52In fact, I'd love to meet your sister.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I bet she's gagging to meet me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Right, you...- Jacko! Jacko!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Jacko! Leave him, Jacko! Jacko!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Enough! What the bloody hell is going on here?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Corporal?
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Em, well you know that thing that you said you didnae want to know aboot? This isnae it.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I'm glad to hear it isn't the thing I didn't want to know about, because if it was, there'd be a
0:24:13 > 0:24:16real danger that you would not end up where you thought you might be.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Is that good or bad?- Bad.
0:24:18 > 0:24:24Ergo, I'll have you all taken off the flight lists and you'll be stuck here. Would you like that? Hmm?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25- Would you? - ALL: No.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I think there's been a slight misunderstanding here.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Or not.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31As the case may be.
0:24:31 > 0:24:37Because actually we're all on the same flights as we were on all along.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Isn't that right, Mr Cammy?
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Thanks for the birthday present, lads! They never forget.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I'm just glad I didn't see anything.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Must have been distracted by not having any cards to play bridge with this evening.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Oh, we've got cards.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Aw, right!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Farewell, my crusty queens.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18I look forward to playing with them. Hmm, nice moustache, soldier.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Thank you, sir. - Happy landings, chaps.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Cheers.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31See ya, wouldnae want to be ya,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35enjoy your flight oot ay here!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36- iPOD PLAYS - What?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- I said, em...- What?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It doesnae matter. Doesn't matter.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Well, I think it's fair to say thanks
0:25:47 > 0:25:51to Gary and his quick thinking, we managed to change the flights.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Aye, back to the ones we had in the first place.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57And they got all our stuff.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58No everything.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07We're kings for the day, lads.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Kings for the day. Comfy seats.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17MUSIC: "American Idiot" by Green Day
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# Don't want to be an American idiot
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# Don't want a nation under the new media
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# The subliminal mind ... America.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# Welcome to a new kind of tension
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# All across the alien nation
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# Where everything isn't meant to be OK
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# Television dreams of tomorrow We're not the ones... #
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Gary, it's not that difficult.
0:26:57 > 0:27:04I keep Charlie awake, Charlie keeps Adam awake, Adam keeps you awake and you keep me awake. Right?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Right. Cool.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Are you awake?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Aye.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Right, aye, I was
0:27:15 > 0:27:17just testing what I would say.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Right.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Night-night.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Calm down.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32I'm just...
0:27:44 > 0:27:49HE SINGS INDISTINCTLY
0:28:06 > 0:28:13This is the final call for four numpties to board their Crab Air flight tae Cyprus.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17No?
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Gate closed.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25HELICOPTER OVERHEAD
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# Sail away, sail away, sail away
0:28:29 > 0:28:34# Sail away, sail away, sail away
0:28:34 > 0:28:39# Sail away, sail away, sail away... #
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:59 > 0:29:02E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk