0:00:02 > 0:00:04Push my boy! Push my boy!
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Go on yourself, Jacko!
0:00:14 > 0:00:17What...? Why did you do that, eh?
0:00:17 > 0:00:18What's the point?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20It's supposed to be a competition!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Ahhhhhh!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- MUSIC ON RADIO - Aw, this is a tune. Get it up.
0:01:02 > 0:01:08# That you give me no reason That you're making me work so hard
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# That you give me no That you give me no
0:01:10 > 0:01:11# That you give me That you give me no
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# That you give me no soul
0:01:14 > 0:01:17# I hear you calling
0:01:17 > 0:01:21# Oh baby, ple-ease
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# Give a little respect
0:01:23 > 0:01:29# To-o me-e... #
0:01:29 > 0:01:33That's my phone. Get that, would you, please?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Hello, National Geographic.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Yes, Sarge, it's me. Gary's driving.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Incredibly well.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Aye, not too far.- Tell him we're an hour and a half away.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- But we're only 20 minutes away. - Aye, but he doesnae ken that.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Just put it on speaker phone then.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Hello, British Embassy? - 'Where are youse?'
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Eh, Sarge, we are currently stuck in traffic, but don't worry,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00in about an hour and forty minutes, you shall receive your ham shank.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02'My ham shank?'
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Tank. Aye, Sarge, the roads are really bad here, worse than Kabul, honestly, it's that slow.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12- We just got overtaken by a bollard. - 'You are talking bollards!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- 'I want that tank in the hangar in less than one hour.'- Yes, Sarge.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21'And don't even think about stopping to stuff your fat face!'
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You hear that, Charlie? Don't worry, Sarge, I just told him.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26It was his idea the last time as well.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29'Pull your fingers out because we're taking the TNK over to the Castle tonight.'
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Hey Sarge, how come we're no' getting to do the Tattoo?
0:02:31 > 0:02:35'Because the Queen thinks youse are tools! And so do I.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38'Over and shiteing out.'
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Love you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Oh, eh, lads, we're actually looking quite low on fuel
0:02:46 > 0:02:50so I suggest we stop, you know.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53For... # C-H-I-P-S
0:02:53 > 0:02:56# I'm talking C-H-I-P-S
0:02:56 > 0:02:59# They are C for crispy
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- # H - For wholesome
0:03:01 > 0:03:02- # I - Amazing
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- # P - Perfection
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- # S - S-Ships... #
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Come on, Jack... # Sing it. #- No.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- I said... # Sing it. #- Nuh.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Come on... # Sing it He's not singing it. #
0:03:16 > 0:03:18# Oooh, oooh, oooh
0:03:18 > 0:03:23# C-H-I-P-S... #
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Well, the Queen, eh, Her Majesty,
0:03:27 > 0:03:32God rest her soul, peace be upon her, I think is a brilliant boss.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Em, cos she's never really there, you never really see her, eh?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38So she doesnae shout at you or that, I dinnae get into trouble.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43I've never been called into her office, eh? And she's like that, "Aye, what's your game?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:50Like, she's all right. And a pal of mine actually met her oot, you know, she came oot,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54and he said that she's got a wee tattoo of a tweety bird on her wrist.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57But you cannae see it just cos of the angles and that.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And she's got gloves so it covers it up.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02So I was thinking, "Well, she must be all right, eh?"
0:04:02 > 0:04:05She drinks Newkie Broon as well.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Oot the bottle. That's what he said.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10She gets my vote.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Don't think you can... You cannae vote for her, can you?
0:04:19 > 0:04:25- You cannae park here.- I'm no' parking here, Thomas Traffic Warden. I'm dropping you off.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- You get the orders in, we'll park up, saves time. - How come it's always me?
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Because you're the chosen one. By me. Now take the orders.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Full Scottish.- Full Scottish.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Full plate of chips. Ta.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44SLAMS DOOR
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Ooooooooo!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Somebody phone the AA, that boy's about to have a breakdown!- Aye.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55He does get wound up that easily, eh?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Afghanistan's still clearly a combat zone, but our role primarily
0:05:04 > 0:05:09- is to facilitate more of the structural changes.- That's nice, son. I think that's you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- All right?- Good timing.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Now can we please get this down us and head?
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Once I address a certain pomme fries situation.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Em, hiya.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- What's your name? - Depends who's asking.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Em, I am. Gary? I'm asking?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Betty. Betty King.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Betty King. Now that is a name fit for a queen.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Do you think so?- No doubt about it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41Betty, I think even the non-chip connoisseur among us would admit that,
0:05:41 > 0:05:46whilst a decent attempt, this isn't quite a PLATE o' chips.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I have put extra on already.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Come on, how's about another, er, chip on the block?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57All right. Seeing as my Bobby likes his chips. He's ex forces.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Oh aye? What's he up to now? Security guard?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04No, he thinks he's the boss of this place. But he's no'. I am.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Sounds like my sergeant.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10He thinks that he's the boss... but he's no'. I am.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Ta. As we say in the Army, may the forces be with you.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Bon appetit.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Gracias.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35MUSIC: Telephone by Lady Gaga # Hello, hello, baby
0:06:35 > 0:06:37# You called, I can't hear a thing
0:06:37 > 0:06:40# I have got no service in the club You see, see
0:06:40 > 0:06:42# Wha-Wha-What did you say?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# Oh, you're breaking up on me
0:06:45 > 0:06:49# Sorry, I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy
0:06:49 > 0:06:52# K-Kinda busy, k-kinda busy
0:06:52 > 0:06:56# Sorry, I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy
0:06:56 > 0:07:00# Just a second It's my favourite song they're gonna play
0:07:00 > 0:07:04# And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh
0:07:04 > 0:07:06# You shoulda made some plans with me
0:07:06 > 0:07:08# You knew that I was free
0:07:08 > 0:07:12# And now you won't stop calling me I'm kinda busy
0:07:12 > 0:07:14# Stop callin', stop callin'
0:07:14 > 0:07:17# I don't wanna think anymore
0:07:17 > 0:07:20# I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor
0:07:20 > 0:07:22# Stop callin', stop callin'
0:07:22 > 0:07:24# I don't wanna talk anymore
0:07:24 > 0:07:28# I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor
0:07:28 > 0:07:32# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh I'm busy!
0:07:35 > 0:07:40# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh... #
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Charlie, there's no point in rushing.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Rushing only leads to indigestion, indigestion only leads to heartburn,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and heartburn only leads to heart attacks.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03So, dessert, anyone?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- What have they got? - Right, OK, fine, I'm no' bothered.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Doesnae natter. - Right, come on then, let's go.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Charlie needs his bed, he's getting a wee bit tired.- I'm no' tired.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Well, I'm tired of you. Let's go outside then, get you in your seat.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Where is it?- It's there.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- No, hold on a minute. Where is it? - Shit!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- This isnae right. - You have got to be joking.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- No, youse have got to be joking. - Right, Charlie, that's it, joke's over. Where's the tank?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49How am I supposed to know? I was in getting the orders.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- No!- Bastard!- No!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I cannae believe this. I knew we shouldnae have stopped.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- I'm calling it in.- Who to? - The police.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Hello, police, please.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Hello, I'd like to report a missing tank.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Ahhhhhh!
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Sorry, misunderstanding.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Youse are arseholes!- Aye.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You should have seen your wee ratty face! Funny.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25"Hello I'd like to report a missing tank."
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- The polis, what are they going to do?- Ya plum!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Could you describe the vehicle?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Aye, very funny.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Seriously though, you can't play a practical joke with MOD property. It's not ours to mess around with.
0:09:37 > 0:09:43Come on, my girl, we'll just pop roon' and get it. And we'll change your wee nappy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Watch oot, Gary's aboot.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47# Watch oot, Gary's aboot
0:09:47 > 0:09:51# You'd better watch oot Cos Gary's aboot. #
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Aw, ma boys.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Hold on.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Is it...? No!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Aye, very funny.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- You can only play that shitey joke once.- That wasnae a shitey joke.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Neither is this. - It was here though, eh?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Aye, it was here. It's no' now.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- You're no', like, doing a Beadle now?- Naw.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31No. I didnae think so. Right, lads,
0:10:31 > 0:10:37I think it's fair to say we have got 99 problems, and a tank is one.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Suggestions? - I know a second hand motor dealer.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I could gie him a bell and see if he's heard anything.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Right, I think we can hold off calling Arnold Clark.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48We need to hit the road, head north, see if we can catch it up.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Unless they've gone south?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Right, well, let's all just stand roon' here then, eh?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Let's hope it falls fae the sky!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No, we cannae dae that.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Right, Charlie, you just stop being you for a minute and, Jacko, put your anger beans back in the tin.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Right? What we're going to dae is, youse two head north in the truck, see if you can catch it up, right?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- Me and Jacko will try and get our hands on another motor.- Right.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11And what if we see it? The tank?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14All right, well, if you see it, that's it. Mission complete.
0:11:14 > 0:11:20Just give yourself the rest of the day off. Ya muppet! Dae what you need to do to get it back here.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Regrets?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I wouldnae say I've got any regrets.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Except...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I bought a shirt a few months back,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37and I wasnae sure about it in the shop, and then I got it home
0:11:37 > 0:11:40and I never liked it but I never took it back.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I regret that.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Cos I'd kept the receipt.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49I always keep receipts, ken, just in case, but I never took it back.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50So...
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Aye, I suppose I've got more regrets than I thought.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I've got a lot of receipts as well.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Well, it's green, it's got like a big long gun barrel on it?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07A bit like a tank? No? All right.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Thanks.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Oh, excuse me...- Not interested.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Funny.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Dingied!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Excuse me, excuse me, have you seen a tank?
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Do you want maybe take... take them off?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Take them...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Right, OK, right, fine.
0:12:37 > 0:12:43If you see a tank, will you come and let me... Will you let me know?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Right, OK, thank you.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Sorry, I'm sorry I'm late, I was making this.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Are you joking?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Jacko! I thought I drew it quite well.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I've never drawn a tank before. It's no' as easy as it looks.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It's all right for youse, youse can probably draw tanks good cos you're always with them.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15No' all the time. Why's my mobile number on that?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Eh, what use would a lost tank poster be without a contact number?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Hello, Westminster?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26No, it's me, Gary.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28You know where the tank is?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Up your arse. Brilliant.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Cheers for that. Bye.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Is that a lead? - No, Julie, not really. Not something we should be following up.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well, hopefully we'll get something better. I put up as many as I could.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh, brilliant.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Jacko, I'm only trying to help, it's no' my fault youse lost your tank.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Fair play, you're right. We have lost a tank.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55We have. We've lost a tank.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Oops!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Come on!- Oh my actual, actual God.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Are we going on a tank hunt? Have you got a net? Imagine, "Whoa!
0:14:05 > 0:14:09"I've got a tank in my net! Whooo! It's a live one! Whooo!"
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Julie...- "Help me wi' my net, I've caught a tank. Whooo!"
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Julie, calm down.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I know, sorry, but this is more exciting than the time we lost my cat and went looking for it.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- Did you ever find it?- No. But looking for it was fun.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Aaah!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Wooooh!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Wooh!
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- You'd think we'd be able to spot a tank.- I almost did.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Julie, that was a bin lorry. - At least it was green.- It was brown.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Eh, there's brown in camouflage.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Julie, we can't take back a bin lorry and claim it's a tank.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Well, at least I'm trying. Youse didn't even think anything looked like a tank.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Hello, Democratic Republic of Congo.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05No, it's me, Gary.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Aye, closest thing we spotted was a bin lorry, an' aw.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15It's like trying to spot a cat amongst the pigeons.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19You just head back to the services, right, we'll see you there.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21All right, right, bye.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Hello, speaking clock. ..No, it's me, Gary. ..You've seen the tank?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Right, it's up your arse? Right, OK.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Thanks for that. Cheers. Bye!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- We are properly f...- Jacko!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Franced.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Properly Franced.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Well done.
0:15:50 > 0:15:56Right. I've no' had to do this since I thought I saw a yeti.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Hello, police, please.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Hi, I'd like to report a missing tank.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Any luck?- Right, even you must know what a stupid question that is.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Either the tank has been nicked or it's done a Herbie on us. Either way, we're late.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35We need to tell Thomson.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- Shite! Shite, shite!- Shite!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Boys, this is the real deal. We're in the tom tit.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44That's it, we've lost a tank. I cannot believe this.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Don't even think about greetin'!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I'm no'...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Right, I know what I'll dae.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I'll buy us some more time.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Hello, Sergeant Thomson? It's me, Gary.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Eh, listen, we might be a bit late, we've got a bit of a problem.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05We've got a flat tyre.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Aye.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's really flat.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13No, no, no, the tank's fine. No, no, it's right in front of me.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15It's a beauty, aye.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18No, no, we'll fix it, it's fine.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20No, you don't need to come down, don't come down.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I know you can make your own shiteing decisions, sorry.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Yes, I'm an idiot.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Right.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Right, OK.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Aye, we're at Northgate Services.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Right, see you shortly. Bye.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Naw.- Aye.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Brilliant.- Ooof.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Yikes.- Excuse me, hen.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Excuse me, hen. Excuse me. Excuse me, hen.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I see you're currently parked across a couple of disabled spaces.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'm afraid you'll need to move it.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55How do you know it's mine? Are you psychic?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- No, love, Big Brother. - Why did you have to tell him, Jacko?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01You know I don't like driving and parking.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I think he means CCTV.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05As in Candid Camera.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Bobby. Bobby, Bob...
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Bobby King, you're the manager?
0:18:10 > 0:18:15- That's me, son.- As in Bobby King, the famous, eh, war hero?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I was a clerk, I worked in accounts.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Well, you're a hero for getting folks paid, eh?
0:18:20 > 0:18:25Aye. Listen, is there any chance, you know, as like one bona fide
0:18:25 > 0:18:30war hero to another we can maybe meet your, er, Big Brother?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Follow me.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Eh, car!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43That's...that's where I parked it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45There youse are.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- Parked it up quite nice, eh? - I didn't know what was going on.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55But see, ex Army. I know what it's like. Ask no questions.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57It looked like Operation Truckswap.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59B-B-Bobby, pause it, please.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04No way.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Thomson.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Talk about a stitch up. - He must have broke some employment laws with this.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Aye, hold on a minute. I'll just call the union rep.- Your sergeant?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16He tailed us. Told us not to stop.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Oh God. He's on his way.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22To help us change a tyre. He's toying wi' us.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Boys, this is going to be the mother of all beastings.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Aye? I might watch.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29And we're just going to have to sit there and take it.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31No.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Gary GD McLintoch doesnae sit down for anyone.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I just wish we had a tank.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Then he couldn't say, "Oh youse have lost the tank". "No, we havenae. Exhibit T, the tank."
0:19:42 > 0:19:44But, Gary, we don't have a tank.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46He must have it back in the barracks.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48The barracks. He'll have it at the barracks.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Right, all we need to do is get up to the barracks,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53get the tank and get it back here before he gets back. Eh?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57ABC, easy as 1234. Come on!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15If I wrote a book,
0:20:15 > 0:20:16it would be called...
0:20:18 > 0:20:22..Gary How Do You Do It?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25It'd basically be a book about how I do stuff.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Loads of stuff.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Is that how you're going to march at the Tattoo?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I've seen more co-ordinated epileptic fits!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I'll be back in an hour and it better be sorted.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57HE SINGS CHEERILY
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Right, let's bolt.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I thought I was going to pee myself.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Whit?- Back there. I thought I was going to pee myself.
0:21:08 > 0:21:14when I was wee, hide and seek, when folk were looking for me, I always thought I was going to pee myself.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15But we won that one, eh?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- He wasn't looking for us. - Aye, I know, but we totally won.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Yeah, well, we've no' won yet. He's on the road already.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I cannae wait to see his face.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26We'll beat him at his own game.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30His own rubbish game that he made up, but, hey, what does it matter?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32We've totally won. Yes!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Aye, we did report the tank missing, right?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40But then we found it. See?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44But in future, right, we'll only ever contact you as a very, very last resort.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- All right?- Aye, go on, get tae.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Right. Cheers, OK.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Right, you phone the boys, tell them they've got to distract Thomson, right?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Doesn't matter how, they've just got to do it. Keys, where's my keys?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Got them. Honestly, sometimes I think I'd lose my head if it was a set of keys.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Help! Help!- What is it?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18The kitchen, the kitchen, please!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24If you could just come in the... em...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Oh, you...you look so strong.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Could you open this jar for me?- Eh?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32All right. Course.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36There you go.
0:22:36 > 0:22:42You made that look so easy. Could you open this one for me as well?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Please?- Aye, OK.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Right...- Em, what about this?
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Look, dear, even my wife can open a tin, and she's an idiot.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Now, if you'll excuse me.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Sergeant! Sergeant Thomson?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Aye.- It's me. Bobby.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- Bobby King, remember?- No, should I? - Course.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19- In '87, I was pals with Johnny No Hands. Remember him?- Johnny No Hands?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22No. I think you've got me confused with some other nutter.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25What about, eh, Danny Big Gums? Did you no' serve with him?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- No.- What about...you know...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30him, eh, Davey? Davey - a real hero.
0:23:30 > 0:23:37- Davey, Davey, Davey, what was his....? Eh, Davey.- Davey who?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39You know, Davey. Davey Davey.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Big, eh, from, eh, the, eh, Army.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Served in the, eh, Army.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I know a Sergeant Davey Price.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50That's him. Sergeant Davey Davey Price.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Davey Davey Quite Contrary Price, eh?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- What's he doing now?- Now?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59He's Angie Price.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Now if you don't mind.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What about Harry Nae Heid?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09See, the difference is, when I was younger, "radical"
0:24:09 > 0:24:11meant that something was good.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Like, you'd say "Oh, that's pure rad."
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I think it was actually Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that came up with that.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23But, see, that just shows how the use of words can change.
0:24:23 > 0:24:31Like, from "totally radical, man", to "totally radical Islam".
0:24:31 > 0:24:38I mean, honestly, who would have thought that that would have come out of a cartoon about turtles?
0:24:38 > 0:24:45But I suppose, like, they four turtles were on their own kind of sewer jihad.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50And, weirdly, Splinter, the guy that used to lead them,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53he looked a bit like Osama,
0:24:53 > 0:24:54with his beard and that, eh?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And his stick.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Nae wonder that's no' on any more.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Excuse me, em, could you spare a few pennies?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08We're collecting for injured bin men.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09What?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- You're Julie Jackson.- I know!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Right! Where are these idiots?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Oh, thanks.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Afternoon, lads! Have no fear, your loving, caring sergeant is here.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00So, er,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02where's this flat tyre?
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Em, well, we...we just repaired it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And Gary and Jacko are going to drive to the roundabout.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10So by my calculations...
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Listen, Carole Vorderman, I don't want to know what your calculations are, and, em,
0:26:14 > 0:26:20I've got to say, you're looking more flustered than my daughter's puppy at that Korean restaurant.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22It's true, sir, we did change it.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- They just went to test it. - Just went to test it, eh?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Oh, well, that is a good idea, very responsible.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31So, they'll be back soon, eh?
0:26:31 > 0:26:36- Should be.- Back soon, with the tank, flat tyre fixed.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38That's my boys.
0:26:38 > 0:26:43I knew you wouldn't let it out of your sight, because, you see, I know that my boys
0:26:43 > 0:26:51wouldn't have been anything other than entirely responsible with the Queen's own property.
0:27:05 > 0:27:11Sarge, on behalf of the boys and I, I'd like to offer my sincere apologies for you having to come
0:27:11 > 0:27:14doon here and waste your incredibly important time
0:27:14 > 0:27:20because, as you can see, the tyre is now fixed and the situation sorted.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Is...that...right?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Absolutely, Sarge. We just wanted to test it before we set off.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30So I hear.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Everything appears to be in order.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Ye-es-s-s!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Have we actually got away with this?
0:27:41 > 0:27:46# We are the Champions my friend... #
0:27:46 > 0:27:48MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Hello, £50 to 100 grand - we buy any car dot com.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Gary speaking.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Oh, it's you. Oh aye, let me guess.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04You know where the tank is, ya stupid radge!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Yes.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Yes. I do.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Do you?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Yes.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22It's up...my...arse.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I'd better go.