0:00:01 > 0:00:03Taxi!
0:00:03 > 0:00:05SMASH!
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Oh, nuh. My shins.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Whose is that motor?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14My shins.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32'Ttention!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01That's me up, Sarge.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17My office. All of you.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Three minutes.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23Someone want to tell me why my car's got a dent in it the size of my wife's arse?
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Well, anything to say, boyband?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31No. Admit nothing, deny everything, look stupid.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34That could be the name of your first album.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Well, grant me this, muppets,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41were you boys at the NAAFI bar last night?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I do recall you offered to buy me a Baileys and Coke.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Aye. A boke.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48But you didnae want one.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50No, I didnae want a boke.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52By the end of the night, I was on the double bokes.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Shut up!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58What time did yous get in last night?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Three minutes past 2300, Sarge. Or very close to it.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Three minutes past 2300 hours?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05That's very precise.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Oh, look, lads, it's one minute past 2300 hours.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11We'd better get home and get to our beds.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13So, just a couple of quiet bokes
0:02:13 > 0:02:17down the Colonel Gadaffi, and then home to your beds, was it?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I think so, Sarge.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26What time is it now, Smith?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Don't look at my bastarding clock, you staggering moron!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I am asking you to look at your watch and tell me what time it is.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Sorry, Sarge. I must have left it back at the bunk.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Oh, I see. So, er,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41this isn't yours then?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46The reason I know it is yours is cos I remember seeing it on your
0:02:46 > 0:02:52lady-wrist and thinking that looks like something you could buy from an Early shite-ing Learning Centre.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Is that your first watch? - Shut your mouth!
0:02:54 > 0:02:59You dropped it next to my car like the malnutritioned spunk-monkey that you are.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07You got something to say, fat Gary Barlow?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- Harsh.- Very harsh.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I should court martial you for criminal damage.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18But seeing as how it's supposed to be my day off, I'm going to let this go.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Really?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24No, fatty! Instead, I have got a great big shitty surprise for you.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- That sounds nice(!) - Oh yes. Very nice!
0:03:28 > 0:03:32As you morons are aware, it's the captains' dinner tonight.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35So guess who is now going to be working at it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Some highly trained professional staff made up of mostly immigrant workers?
0:03:39 > 0:03:46No. Quite the opposite. Some of our finest home-grown numpties will be acting as bensons for the evening.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Who?- YOUS!
0:03:49 > 0:03:55And, just to make you aware, Captain Fanshawe's father, the Colonel, will be attending.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58So I if I hear of anything, and I mean anything, about any dick-ups,
0:03:58 > 0:04:03I will come down on you harder than a tonne of slags. Is that understood?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- Sarge.- Yes, Sarge. Yes, Sarge.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Three bags full, Sarge. Say it.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Yes, Sarge. Yes, Sarge.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Three bags full, Sarge.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Have you any wool?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24No.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27NOW GET OUT!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Can I have three?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Right, cool. OK.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44My top three folk that I admire in the world are,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47number three, Dannii Minogue
0:04:47 > 0:04:52cos she just keeps at it, she's not bothered what folk think o' her.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58Number two is Terry Watson, who I was at school wi',
0:04:58 > 0:05:02who burnt one side of his face really badly with an iron,
0:05:02 > 0:05:07but then auditioned for our school's version of Phantom of the Opera.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09And he got it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12And he did it without a mask.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It was inspirational.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And number one -
0:05:18 > 0:05:20who else could it be?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23But Bobby George frae the darts, eh?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25He is a legend.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29I mean, if I'm being honest, I never want to meet him,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32but he's just a legend.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Except he exists.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Bobby George.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Ken that way he says it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Bobby George. And that laugh.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Right. See out there?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Yous might think yous are in charge.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Where, Chef?- I think he means outside the kitchen.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Oh, outside the kitchen, Chef, yes. We are in charge, aye.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55But in here...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- The kitchen? - I'm the one giving the orders.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- You got that?- Yes, Chef.- Right. Service is for 40 covers tonight.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- Covers?- People, folk.- Radges?- Aye, radges.- I get you.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Bagsie daein' the chips. - We're no' serving chips.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11This is the Captain's dinner.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12I dinnae serve chips at the Captain's dinner.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Oh, everyone loves a chip, Chef.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I'm in 100% agreement with Chef Jackson, Chef.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Every radge likes a chip. 'Specially me.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Aye. I can see that.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Eh, The words "chef, kettle and fat" come to mind.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- The menu's on the board.- Right.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- What's Horse Durvs?- Hors d'oeuvres.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34It's a small starter. Dinnae worry about them.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I've done them. They're in the fridge.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Durrrrvs.- Kep soup. What's that?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Cep - it's like a mushroom.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- Is it a mushroom?- Kindae. Aye.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Right, so it's like mushroom soup.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48All right then. Melon. Are you all right with that?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Yous all right? Aye?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Good. Proscuitto - that's a ham.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I've had that. Tastes like feet. Prefer honey roast myself.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Melon wi' ham?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Listen, mate, I'd put some chips on.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Am I going blind or does that say pigeon?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Rats wi' wings.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- You cannae mean pigeon? - Aye. It's lovely. Gamey, rich.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Are you kiddin'? They're stinkin'. They're like homeless birds.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I used to go out with a homeless bird. Didnae work out though, eh?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Aw. How no'? - Cos we could never go back to hers.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Listen, Chef, if I can call you Chef, cos you're kindae a chef,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- you cannae serve pigeon. - It's wood pigeon, you tubes.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24They're no' even related to street pigeons.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27How can they no' be related? They're called the same thing.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- It does sound a bit misleading, Chef.- Because...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32What about parrots? Can you eat them, Chef? Parrots?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34No. Mebbe. I dinnae ken.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I know what yous are daein'.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Yous are tryin' to wind me up. But it's no' working.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Well, it clearly is a bit, Chef. Just one last question.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48This, em... What's this ah-see-it of desserts?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- Assiette.- Ah see it too, Chef, but what does it mean?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Aye. Comedians.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Every last one of yous. - Aye, we're here all week, Chef.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Try the pigeon.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04# Jai Ho!
0:08:09 > 0:08:10# Jai Ho
0:08:10 > 0:08:13# You are the reason that I breathe
0:08:13 > 0:08:17# You are the reason that I still believe
0:08:17 > 0:08:19# You are my destiny
0:08:19 > 0:08:23# Jai Ho
0:08:23 > 0:08:27# No there is nothing that can stop us
0:08:27 > 0:08:31# Nothing can ever come between us
0:08:31 > 0:08:34# So come and dance with me
0:08:34 > 0:08:36# Jai Ho!
0:08:44 > 0:08:45# Jai Ho!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51# Jai Ho! #
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Em, Roger Rabbit.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Back to you, lady-wrists.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03He's no' a Hollywood actor.
0:09:03 > 0:09:09- He's a cartoon rabbit.- You take these games far too seriously.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Em, all right,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Ronald Reagan.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- How's he a Hollywood actor? - He was a Hollywood actor.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Gary, he was the President of America.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Yas!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Yas, yas, yas. I knew this would happen, right?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I ken something that you dinnae.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Ronald Reagan was a famous actor way back
0:09:29 > 0:09:34- and he did the voice for Mickey Moose. - Did he?- Was that no' Walt Disney?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Nuh. It totally wisnae Disney.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40So I have won this game. In your face, lady-wrists.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Enough. Keep choppin'.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Right, chaps. At ease.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Cook. Here's the list with the final guest, er...
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Numbers?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Yeah.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02We're actually a man down tonight.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07My partner for the evening has had to pull out, er, so to speak,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10due to em...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Busy diary?- Exactly.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I don't suppose any of you, er,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22good lads know of any, em...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Totty?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Skirt.- Fanny.- Keep it respectable, Private.- Sorry, sir.
0:10:28 > 0:10:36If you do know of any ladies that I could acquire, do let me know.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- You mean a proz? - No. I don't think he does.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41We certainly will, sir.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Good. Good to have a girl that I can
0:10:43 > 0:10:47show father. Sometimes he thinks I'm...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Unlucky in love?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Exactly. Right, well, at ease, chaps.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Cook.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Come on. Back to work.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Well, aye, the BP thing was a disaster.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13I mean, America started a war because they wanted oil and here
0:11:13 > 0:11:15it was, there all the time, eh? What a nonsense.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Ken one thing I dinnae get, right,
0:11:18 > 0:11:25is that when you see these, like, oil spills, how come it's always birds with big beaks covered in oil?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Why don't they just stay in the sky?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31That's what they're made for.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Silly birds.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Bored.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Off with his pinkie!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Don't! - You really do have lady-wrists.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- Do you have to get extra holes punched in your watches for that? - Aye!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Quelle shite-ing surprise.- I don't think that's on the menu, Sarge.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Oh, ho ho ho ho. Funny benson, eh?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08'Scuse me while I go and change my Tena pants.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13So, lads, you enjoying your day off?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Yes, Sarge.- Aye, so am I. Scampi and chips washed down with four pints of sheep shagger.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20That beats a boke any day of the week.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Where's Fanny Cradock?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I think Chef is taking a delivery, Sarge.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, aye.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32Well, go on then, dinner ladies, let's see your skills.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Pish!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Ah, Cheffy,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38rustle us up a bacon buttie, would you?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Sorry, Sergeant, I think you're thinking of a roadside cafe.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43This is a kitchen.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I know this is a kitchen. I can see the sinks and...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You must be the wife.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52He's steam boats.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- What was that?- Calm doon, Nigella. It was only a peanut.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I'm allergic!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Just don't eat it, then.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Get a grip of yourself. That's an order.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's only a shite peanut.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07He really doesnae like peanuts, eh?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Anti... Histamine.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14He's doing his Marlon Brando impressions fi' The Godfather.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- "Michael!" - No, he's saying antihistamine.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Right, who's got a phone? He wants to phone his Auntie.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21No, antihistamine for his allergy.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, don't just stand there, Doctor Pepper, away and get a medic.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- And get some of those anti peanuts. - Is he gonnae die?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You gonnae pop your catering clogs?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Dinnae you worry about that, because even if he does, you'll still be working.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Would we get the funeral off?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38We're here.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42You hear that, Chef? Lassie's got help.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Keep... the... pigeon... moist.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Moist pigeon.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56This is Charlie.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59His Mum and Dad don't want him any more.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03And he had to come and live in Afghanistan.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It's very sad.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10But for just two pounds a month, you could help him
0:14:10 > 0:14:13get a better life.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Make it a fiver.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Cheeky monkey!
0:14:20 > 0:14:26Right. Having lost Chef to peanut shrapnel, I am now supervising.
0:14:26 > 0:14:32You are cooking. You've got the instructions in front of you, so if there's any questions, work it out.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Yes, we will need the brandy for the sauce, and yes, Manuel, you can go and get it.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Sorry, he's from Barcelona.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Charlie, what kind of stock is it?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Charlie, what kind of stock is it in there?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Stop it!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Durve. >
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Durve.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Durve.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Durve.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Durve.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Durve.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Gary!
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Oh, you got my text then.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Aye! I thought it was a party.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04But it's no' a party party, it's an arty farty party.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06And I look like a pure tramp.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08You don't look like a tramp. Your dress is too bright.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Durve?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11- Durve?- Durve?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14All right. I've never had a durve before.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16What do you think?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Thanks. I could eat about 50 of them. Am I allowed to eat 50 of them?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Do they expand in your stomach? Are they like space food?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25What are you doing here?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Gary text me asking if I want to come to a party?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Look at you, you look like a butler.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- As Fanshawe's bird?- Whose bird?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- Who's Fanshawe? - Lads, a glass of, er...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Don't mind if I do.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Hello there, I'm Captain, er...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Fanshawe? - Yep. So they tell me.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I was just asking aboot you.
0:16:45 > 0:16:51- Really?- Yes, Captain, this is Julie, who's the girl we've managed to get you for tonight.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54My actual God. Gary, that makes me sound like an actual lady of the streets.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59- And, er, are you? - Naw. She's my sister, sir.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Well, jolly good.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Anyway, I was just telling the lads that the chap
0:17:07 > 0:17:10who was supposed to be coming with me had a problem with her, em...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14With her what?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Diary.- Oh, her diary, right.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Here, are yous going to be serving me drinks all night?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Oh, my God, this is amazing.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25How much is it? I don't get paid till next week. I could get a loan out.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29I saw an advert on TV, they give you it quick, but they charge you hundreds to pay it back.
0:17:29 > 0:17:35Oh, God, I knew a girl that got into debt for, like, a hundred thousand thousand thousand pounds. Pounds!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38She's got a baby, actually four.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Deep breath, Julie, that's it. Deep breaths.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Free. Everything is free.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Everything's free? Brilliant!
0:17:46 > 0:17:53Perhaps I should, er, introduce you to my, er... Rupes.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Ah, Rupes. This is Julie.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59My lady for the evening.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Pleasure to meet you.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Colonel Bloody Fanshawe.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- This is my brother, Rupes. - Rupert Fanshawe.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Welcome to the family.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Er, no, Rupes, it's just for this evening.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Hiya, I'm Julie Jackson. I'm Jacko's sister.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Jacko!
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Long time, no see.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I hardly recognised you dressed as a waiter. Really suits you.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Thanks.- Corporal McLintoch.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28At ease, Student.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31How do you two know each other?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35How do I know Jacko Jacksie Jackson?
0:18:35 > 0:18:40He was Gary's batman when Gary came to my uni, and we won the debate on Iraq.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Well, I won the debate.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Jacko was there, at the side, cheering us on to victory.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50We bonded that day.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54And now I have the honour of meeting his sister.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57It is literally shit the bed to make your acquaintance.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Rupert! Mind your bloody language.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Sorry, Father. Colonel! - Don't worry aboot it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I don't even count shit as a sweary word.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Bloody decent of you. Hells bells, it's bloody Chalky!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Just look at you, serving me drinks.
0:19:13 > 0:19:19Makes me look forward to when I finally finish Sandhurst, come here and can command you in battle.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21That's funny actually
0:19:21 > 0:19:23cos Jacko was just saying he's really looking forward to that
0:19:23 > 0:19:29and he was also wondering if he could start practicing now by calling you Sir?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Sure, why not? Practice makes perfect.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Off you go.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41I look forward to you coming back here, Sir.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44That sounded good.
0:19:44 > 0:19:51Well, if you'll excuse us, we have some further benson activities to attend to.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Bloody yeah. Epic win to see you both.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Oh, Jacksie?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Could I bother you for a top up?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Eh, don't forget me, Jacksie.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17At ease, chaps.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Jacksie! Can we start calling you Jacksie?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Jacksie. Jacksie.
0:20:26 > 0:20:32To be honest, right, I don't know why Davey Cameron's always banging on aboot this big society.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35We've got a big society.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I ken folk that are humungous.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41And they wear jeggings.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46It's horrible.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Durves oot?- Yes, Sarge.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Starters now. Main's in the oven.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yes, Chef!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- ALL: Yes, Chef! - He is properly wrecked.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Yous talking about me?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Well, dinnae bother, because I am talking about me.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Soup's ready, Chef.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I am happy with seasoning and consistency.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Well, give yerself a bloody Michelin star.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Is that the list wi' what folk are havin'?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- Aye, how?- I just want to make sure that the young Rupert gets what's coming to him.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22That's very professional of you, Jacko.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27Well, he's having the soup and then the pigeon titties.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Excellent. A fine choice.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I thought I said move it.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32You never, Sarge, but we're just about tae.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35# I like to move it, move it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36# I like to - move it! #
0:21:36 > 0:21:42- Where are yous going?- Just going to get more brandy for the sauce.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh, aye. Aye, that's a good idea. Bring it oot.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Now, who's having the cep mushroom with soup?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Hammy baws, madam?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- I won't ask.- Very wise.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15But I suppose that is one of the disadvantages of having an Aga.
0:22:15 > 0:22:22- Aga.- Soup, sir? - Yes, please. Just a "soup son".
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Get it?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27It's French!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Very funny, sir.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Do enjoy.- Thank you.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40That is lovely.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43The seasoning is perfect. No salt required.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Are you responsible for this?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Just a smidge.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Where's Keith Floyd?- Don't know. - In the pisser?
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- Check these out. Perfecto.- Hey, don't you start with the French.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Let's see the tatty dolphin noise.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Michel Roux would be proud of these.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Would she?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Right, what's the score? - I think you're losing.- Oh, ho.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16What's this?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Well, this is pigeon, supposedly not the disease-ridden stinking ruined
0:23:19 > 0:23:25feet ones, and this is potato with a crusty, cheesy, parmesan topping.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Is it just me, or is it hot in here?
0:23:27 > 0:23:33Right lads, let's get these plated up and get it oot there, then we can celebrate with a triple boke, eh?
0:23:33 > 0:23:39- Sarge?- Dinnae you raise your voice to me, you wee shite.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- It'll be fine.- Em...
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- I suppose we could say it comes wi' carrots.- Oh, no.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I'm off for some air.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Sort this oot. It stinks.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04What are we going to do?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I've got it!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Hello, Pizza Hut?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Aye, it is me, Gary.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Listen, do you dae, em, pigeon pizzas?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19No.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Oh, well, it was a long shot. All right, speak to you tomorrow. Cheers.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26We need tae give 'em something.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- Something decent an' all.- Aye, something that every radge likes.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Yas!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Right, hurry up. Come on.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- That's it. - What are we gonnae call it? We cannae say chips wi' brown sauce.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Well, what's French for chips wi' broon sauce?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Er...
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Les frites Ecossaise avec un sauce brun.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Right, got it. Sorted. Come on.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02The problem with politics now is that there's nae characters.
0:25:02 > 0:25:08It's like in the tennis, right, because back in the day you had that John McEnroe.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Remember him? I can dae him.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Aye. You're nae serious!
0:25:16 > 0:25:20That was good, eh? I can dae loads.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24All right. Em, now we've got that Andy Murray, right,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28and he does get quite a lot of abuse, ken, for being dull and the
0:25:28 > 0:25:33way he speaks and that, but I'm sure he's recovering from an accident.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Isn't he? I think he's doing, like, really well, hitting that ball.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Go Andy!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Er, OK chaps, if I could just have a bit of hush.
0:25:52 > 0:26:00Er, just want to congratulate the chaps for showing some great skill after the cook went into a coma.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05- But thankfully the chaps adapted to, er, battlefield conditions.- Jocks!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And came up with a cracking dish called, em...
0:26:08 > 0:26:19Em, les French Fries avey Maria wi' une
0:26:19 > 0:26:22sauce broone.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Ah, quite so.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26So, if you could all raise your, er...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Cooks, the bloody cooks!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32To the cooks!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36KITCHEN!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Hullo there! It's your weather with me, Adam Kenney.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54We are in the middle of a dryer spell than Charlie's sex life.
0:26:54 > 0:27:02Today it will be dry and dry, with spots of dry, followed by a big dod of dry.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Aw pure wet, man. - LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Come on, lady-wrists, it's 2am.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21That was some shift, eh, boys?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24'Specially after last night.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Aye. I cannae wait to see the nick ae Thomson the morrow.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I doubt we'll even see him. Day off, lads.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Aye aye!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Right.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38There was nae Baileys and Coke, but I found some Spumanti and Irn Bru.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43So, well done, lads. Here's tae us. Enjoy your Spu.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Spu!
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Up yous get!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00You've had your Sunday morning lie-in.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05It's 5am. Thank the Lord, it's chemical attack drill time.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Move it, move it, move it!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Chemical Attack!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14It's no' they peanuts again, is it?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Come on, you Jessies.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24This is an urgent situation, it's a chemical attack.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29There are tiny wee shite-ing bugs trying to get into your every orifice.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Right. Hit the deck, lads.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Hit the deck!
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media
0:28:46 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk