Star Wars

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0:00:53 > 0:00:54Charlie.

0:00:54 > 0:00:56You've missed a bit.

0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Where?- There.

0:00:58 > 0:01:02# There on the stair, right there A little mouse with clogs on. #

0:01:02 > 0:01:05I wasn't going to say that!

0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Where then?- There.

0:01:08 > 0:01:09Where?!

0:01:09 > 0:01:11ALL: # There on the stair, right there

0:01:11 > 0:01:13# A little mouse with clogs on

0:01:13 > 0:01:16# Well, I declare Going clip clippety clop

0:01:16 > 0:01:18# On the stair Oh, yeah! #

0:01:24 > 0:01:27Cleaning has to be like one of the worst things in the actual world.

0:01:27 > 0:01:30- Worse than war and famine? - Aye, much worse.

0:01:30 > 0:01:32Without war we'd be oot of a job.

0:01:32 > 0:01:35At least with famine you're too weak to clean.

0:01:35 > 0:01:36Is that your excuse for this morning, aye?

0:01:36 > 0:01:38Aye, soon to be sorted.

0:01:38 > 0:01:44Crisps or chocolate, or crisps AND chocolate. That is the question.

0:01:44 > 0:01:51Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the single Twix or the outrageous fortune of the Twirl.

0:01:51 > 0:01:54I don't know what you're sayin', but I don't like it. So stop it.

0:01:54 > 0:01:58I'm just lookin' at this. You're the one sick o' cleanin'.

0:01:58 > 0:02:02The MOD are looking for the new face of the Army for an upcoming advert.

0:02:02 > 0:02:04Obviously, they're looking for real soldiers.

0:02:04 > 0:02:06That's you oot, then.

0:02:06 > 0:02:09That's me in. Birds go crazy for actors.

0:02:09 > 0:02:12I could be the next Howard frae the bank.

0:02:12 > 0:02:16- He got the sack.- Good. I hate those ads. Gary, do you want to hurry up. - What did he get the sack for?

0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Cos of the banking crisis. - Did he cause it, like?

0:02:18 > 0:02:23Only if it turns out he was a key player in the reckless lending practices of the sub prime market.

0:02:23 > 0:02:24Haw, Newsnight...shut it.

0:02:24 > 0:02:29- Plain and simple, the guy was a prize tool. Gary!- Right!

0:02:29 > 0:02:32Sounds like a wee bit of jealousy there, my boy!

0:02:32 > 0:02:36Here, I bet Howard was pumpin' birds over the counter after they ads.

0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Jacko's still relying on the spank bank.- You're funny(!)

0:02:39 > 0:02:41Gaz, you'd better hurry up. Mr Grumpy's coming out.

0:02:41 > 0:02:44- What're you on about, you tit? - He doesnae sound grumpy to me.

0:02:44 > 0:02:45- Nah, no way(!)- Gary!

0:02:46 > 0:02:48Right.

0:02:48 > 0:02:50Aye. No.

0:02:50 > 0:02:53Aye. No. Em...

0:02:53 > 0:02:55Aye. No.

0:02:56 > 0:02:57Aye, Curly Wurly.

0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Awww, see youse?- Whit?

0:03:02 > 0:03:06You put me off. Now ma Curly Wurly's stuck in the machine.

0:03:08 > 0:03:10That'll no work, you have to shake it.

0:03:10 > 0:03:12Right, well give him a hand then.

0:03:12 > 0:03:13Ready?

0:03:16 > 0:03:17Jacko, watch!

0:03:17 > 0:03:20Oh, ya bastards!

0:03:20 > 0:03:24- You all right?- No! You could have broken my bloody foot, ya tube!

0:03:24 > 0:03:27- All right, brother, calm doon. - Don't call me your brother. Do I look like a junkie?

0:03:32 > 0:03:35What the bloody hell's happened here then?

0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Em.- Well?

0:03:38 > 0:03:42Well, er, we finished our cleaning duties as per your brilliant instruction

0:03:42 > 0:03:47and then, next thing I know, we're in here and my Curly Wurly got stuck in the machine.

0:03:47 > 0:03:51So you thought you'd vandalise the Queen's own property.

0:03:51 > 0:03:53Sorry, I didn't realise it was the Queen's.

0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Has she had problems with it as well?- Shut it!

0:03:56 > 0:03:59Get this piece of crap back on its feet.

0:04:06 > 0:04:08Don't even think about it.

0:04:08 > 0:04:11So, you've finished your duties, have you?

0:04:11 > 0:04:15I think I've underestimated how much you ladies like cleaning.

0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Naw, you havenae, honestly. - Oh, I think I have. Follow me.

0:04:21 > 0:04:23I knew I should have got a Chomp.

0:04:23 > 0:04:26NOW!

0:04:26 > 0:04:27Aye, Army pay's actually all right.

0:04:27 > 0:04:30I mean I think you get mair than working in Greggs,

0:04:30 > 0:04:36but then you don't get shot at in Greggs, eh? Or no often.

0:04:36 > 0:04:39So you should get mair, in fact, I think any job that getting shot at

0:04:39 > 0:04:42is part of your job description, then you should get mair.

0:04:42 > 0:04:46I mean, I'm no saying that working in Greggs isnae stressful.

0:04:46 > 0:04:51It probably is, like, folk asking ye all the time, "Are the sausage rolls hot?"

0:04:51 > 0:04:54Like they must get asked that like hundreds of times a day, eh?

0:04:54 > 0:05:00I mean, I ask it, cos a cold sausage roll frae Greggs, nah.

0:05:00 > 0:05:04But then if they say, "Oh, they're just out the oven", you dinnae want a boiling one

0:05:04 > 0:05:10so you say it, like, "No, no, one frae the back", so it's like not too hot, eh?

0:05:10 > 0:05:14But, like, all the time they folk asking you, like, all the time,

0:05:14 > 0:05:17that's mair stressful than the Army, eh? It would be.

0:05:17 > 0:05:21I mean we dinnae get folk asking us that all the time, eh?

0:05:22 > 0:05:24Mebbe they should get paid more...

0:05:25 > 0:05:27..cos I'd end up shooting folk.

0:05:27 > 0:05:29"Are these sausage rolls...?"

0:05:30 > 0:05:33Crew, this is your lucky day.

0:05:33 > 0:05:38We have some willing volunteers to take over. Dismissed!

0:05:38 > 0:05:41I want the trucks spotless, inside and out.

0:05:41 > 0:05:44I want the tyres checked and cleaned.

0:05:44 > 0:05:48I want all of these supplies taken back to the kitchen, logged and signed for.

0:05:48 > 0:05:56By the end of today, I want this hangar looking cleaner than a Taliban porno. Is that understood?

0:05:56 > 0:05:57ALL: Yes, Sarge.

0:05:57 > 0:06:00And then there's hangars 9, 10, 11 and 15 needing done.

0:06:00 > 0:06:05But, Sarge, we were cleaning all last week, now we're cleaning all this week. We're all cleaned oot!

0:06:05 > 0:06:08I know. But that's why I've given you Friday off.

0:06:08 > 0:06:09- Really?- Aye, absolutely.

0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Yas!- All the cleaning will be done by then.

0:06:12 > 0:06:17So on Friday you mugs will be taking a full store and equipment inventory.

0:06:17 > 0:06:20Please, Sarge, we will do anything.

0:06:20 > 0:06:22I know you will.

0:06:22 > 0:06:25Now get on with it. And, em...

0:06:25 > 0:06:27enjoy.

0:06:27 > 0:06:28Hm.

0:06:30 > 0:06:32Right, we just need to get on with it.

0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Shut up.- This is all your fault, bloody Curly Wurlys.

0:06:35 > 0:06:40- Don't blame me, blame Charlie.- How? - Cos that's what you're here for.

0:06:40 > 0:06:43It wisnae me that pushed the machine over, that was the human domino.

0:06:43 > 0:06:46Aye, it was my fault. I'm as bad as my junkie brother, eh?

0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Jacko.- What?

0:07:03 > 0:07:04Go on.

0:07:04 > 0:07:06No.

0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Go on, go on.- No!

0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Go on.- NO.

0:07:14 > 0:07:15- Go on.- NO!

0:07:19 > 0:07:20What a performance.

0:07:20 > 0:07:21Aye.

0:07:23 > 0:07:24Exactly!

0:07:24 > 0:07:29- Eh?- You, my little idiot, are not that big an idiot, eh?

0:07:29 > 0:07:32I'll see youse in five.

0:07:32 > 0:07:35Where are you going?

0:07:35 > 0:07:37To the "toilet"...

0:07:37 > 0:07:41to dae something "amazing". Aye!

0:07:48 > 0:07:51MUSIC: "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys

0:08:49 > 0:08:53Aw, c'mon, just think about it as a big advert, eh?

0:08:53 > 0:08:54"Cos you're worth it!"

0:08:54 > 0:08:58Aw c'mon Jacko, Jacksie, frae Jacksville, Tennessee.

0:08:58 > 0:09:01If you want to make a tit of yourself in an advert, dae it. I'm no'.

0:09:01 > 0:09:04Oh, come on, just imagine you're walking doon the street

0:09:04 > 0:09:08and folk are pointing at you and saying, "Oh, there's that guy

0:09:08 > 0:09:13- "who knows Gary, the new face of the Army", I'd be, like, "Aye, I totally know him. It's fine".- Aye...

0:09:13 > 0:09:16That's convinced me(!)

0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Are you scared like?- No!

0:09:18 > 0:09:20Do you know what? I think it might be a good thing.

0:09:20 > 0:09:22Get the morale back in this team.

0:09:22 > 0:09:26Aye. I think me getting... us getting this advert would be really good for morale.

0:09:26 > 0:09:28I'm no bothered, if it means getting out of that inventory.

0:09:28 > 0:09:31I think it's more likely a delay, Thomson'll probably make us do it on Monday.

0:09:31 > 0:09:35No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

0:09:35 > 0:09:38Cos I spoke to Spammy in the store and he says we've got to do it on the Friday

0:09:38 > 0:09:41cos they're getting a big delivery on the Saturday, eh?

0:09:41 > 0:09:45So, just say it. "Gary, you're an amazingly brilliant individual."

0:09:45 > 0:09:47Just leave him out if he's shiteing a brick about it.

0:09:47 > 0:09:52I'm no shitting a brick about it. I'm just no' as keen as you to look like a total fanny.

0:09:52 > 0:09:55It willnae be me lookin' like a total fanny, I can guarantee you that.

0:09:55 > 0:09:58- That's no fair. We've no even seen Charlie act yet.- Wha'?

0:09:58 > 0:10:02- He willnae be the worst anyway. - Is that right?- Aye, it is right!

0:10:02 > 0:10:05Right! That is enough.

0:10:05 > 0:10:10Cos we know Charlie's going to be the worst. Now, are you in, or are you oot?

0:10:12 > 0:10:13All right.

0:10:13 > 0:10:15YAAASSS!

0:10:15 > 0:10:17High ten!

0:10:17 > 0:10:19All right.

0:10:19 > 0:10:20Supporting cast confirmed.

0:10:20 > 0:10:23- And we've got a rehearsal at ma Dad's hoose tonight.- What?

0:10:23 > 0:10:26Jacko, if I... If we are going to get this advert,

0:10:26 > 0:10:29we need to prepare something, ken, for the audition, you know?

0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Show them something. - Like a bit of Shakespeare?

0:10:31 > 0:10:33No. Something good.

0:10:33 > 0:10:38I'm Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor,

0:10:38 > 0:10:41and from now on you will only speak when you are spoken to.

0:10:41 > 0:10:46And the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be the word, "Sir".

0:10:46 > 0:10:49Do you maggots understand that?

0:10:49 > 0:10:50ALL: Sir, yes, sir.

0:10:50 > 0:10:54Right, hold on, right. Jacko, come on! You've seen Full Metal Jacket.

0:10:54 > 0:10:58- So?- So can you start doing it properly, like shoutin'?

0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Cannae be arsed. - Prima donna.- What's that?

0:11:01 > 0:11:05- Here we go.- Adam said pre-Madonna. I don't know why, but it was funny.

0:11:05 > 0:11:06You're really funny, Adam.

0:11:06 > 0:11:10Pre-Madonna, is that like before she wrote her first song? What was her first song?

0:11:10 > 0:11:16# Cos I'm livin' in a material world and I'm ma-ma-ma-material girl. #

0:11:16 > 0:11:18Her first number one was Holiday in 1983.

0:11:18 > 0:11:22- I genuinely worry about you. - What about a bit of Shakespeare?

0:11:22 > 0:11:26These two would make a realistic Tybalt and Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet.

0:11:26 > 0:11:29Oh, my actual, actual, romantic God, I love that film. Can I play Juliet?

0:11:29 > 0:11:32Only if I can be your Romeo.

0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Smooth. Smooth as shite.- Jacko... .

0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Technically, that would suggest he is smooth.- Get it right up ye.

0:11:39 > 0:11:42Say that again and you'll be doing your lines frae a hospital bed.

0:11:42 > 0:11:47- Right.- Calm doon, big brother. I think he's a wee bit sensitive about me talking to his wee sister.

0:11:47 > 0:11:52Aye, well, that's what being a big brother's all aboot. Not that you'd ken anything about that.

0:11:52 > 0:11:54- That right?- Aye.- Come on, then!

0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Adam! Adam!- Enough!

0:11:57 > 0:11:59Lads. Julie.

0:11:59 > 0:12:01That is enough acting for one evening.

0:12:01 > 0:12:04- I wish they were acting.- You cannae carry on like this in a living room.

0:12:04 > 0:12:07That is how coffee tables get broken.

0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Sorry, Mr McLintoch. - Sorry, Mr McLintoch.

0:12:10 > 0:12:13But, Daaad, we've got to practice.

0:12:13 > 0:12:15Well, you'll need to do it elsewhere.

0:12:15 > 0:12:18Now, I was going to give you all a sausage roll,

0:12:18 > 0:12:22but the rammy's put paid to that! Sorry!

0:12:23 > 0:12:24Brilliant(!)

0:12:24 > 0:12:25Brilliant(!)

0:12:28 > 0:12:30Getting' me chucked oot o' ma ain hoose.

0:12:30 > 0:12:32Sorry, Gary. But he's my brother.

0:12:32 > 0:12:35Don't worry about it, Julie, you know what they say.

0:12:35 > 0:12:38You can choose your family but you can't choose your friends. So...

0:12:38 > 0:12:42Off youse go. Off youse go!

0:12:42 > 0:12:44Off youse go.

0:12:44 > 0:12:46Off youse go.

0:12:46 > 0:12:48Off we go.

0:12:56 > 0:12:57Sorry aboot that.

0:12:57 > 0:13:03It's all right, son, MasterChef starts in five minutes, so I was quite glad there was a wee fall out.

0:13:03 > 0:13:07You havenae got any, er, broon sauce, have you?

0:13:08 > 0:13:09Of course.

0:13:24 > 0:13:26Ta.

0:13:26 > 0:13:28- See you later, Dad. - See you later, Son.

0:13:37 > 0:13:41Like personally, for me...

0:13:41 > 0:13:47I don't get folks that protest aboot animals and animal testing and that.

0:13:47 > 0:13:53I think if you're being honest, right, you just wouldnae want to spray on your Lynx Africa

0:13:53 > 0:13:57and then your arm explodes and then you've got tae phone Lynx Customer Service,

0:13:57 > 0:14:00which is difficult, cos you've only got one arm now, right?

0:14:00 > 0:14:05And Lynx are like, "Well, we're really sorry aboot that, we just never tested it on animals."

0:14:05 > 0:14:08You'd be like that, "Well, see next time?

0:14:08 > 0:14:11"I want that sprayed in a hamster's eye before I put that on."

0:14:11 > 0:14:17I mean, sometimes, right, these things are just needed.

0:14:18 > 0:14:21Yas, finished.

0:14:21 > 0:14:23You missed a bit.

0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Where?- There.

0:14:26 > 0:14:30As if that's gonnae work on the Prankmaster General. I've no missed a bit.

0:14:30 > 0:14:32Yes...you...have!

0:14:35 > 0:14:37You call this clean?!

0:14:43 > 0:14:46- It looks like you've mopped the floor with a shite.- Aye, it does now.

0:14:46 > 0:14:47So?

0:14:47 > 0:14:49We'll get it cleaned up, Sarge.

0:14:49 > 0:14:51I know you will...Swotty.

0:14:51 > 0:14:54So, do I look like an idiot?

0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Sir! No! Sir!- Don't call me sir.

0:14:58 > 0:15:00- I work for a living.- Sorry, Sarge.

0:15:00 > 0:15:04Clearly you muppets think you've been a bit clever.

0:15:04 > 0:15:06Sarge, you know us. We're never clever.

0:15:06 > 0:15:08Yes, I do know that.

0:15:08 > 0:15:12So would one of you like to explain to me why you thought that you could get yourselves out of the inventory

0:15:12 > 0:15:15by becoming the next sodding calendar girls?

0:15:15 > 0:15:17Well, we kind of thought that...

0:15:17 > 0:15:21- Helen Mirren...shut it!- Dame.

0:15:23 > 0:15:25She's Dame Helen Mirren.

0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh, well,

0:15:29 > 0:15:33my severe bastarding apologies.

0:15:33 > 0:15:41I'd hate to think that I'd done a mis-service to the full title of The Dame Helen Shiteing Mirren.

0:15:41 > 0:15:46I do hope she hasn't overheard us and taken a great big steaming offence!

0:15:46 > 0:15:50I doubt it, Sarge, I mean, we were going to tell you about the advert it's just that...

0:15:50 > 0:15:53Ken that way, like, opportunity knocked and we answered the door,

0:15:53 > 0:15:58like, "Hiya, come in", and next thing we've, like...agreed to do it.

0:15:58 > 0:16:04All of you report to my office after you've cleaned up this dung heap.

0:16:04 > 0:16:08You have just earned yourself a very special duty,

0:16:08 > 0:16:12reserved for very special people.

0:16:16 > 0:16:20Now, there was nae need for Sarge to take a dump first.

0:16:20 > 0:16:24I don't know what you're smiling at, there's plenty of other cubicles needing done.

0:16:24 > 0:16:26Hear that, Charlie?

0:16:26 > 0:16:28Busy day ahead for you.

0:16:28 > 0:16:30At ease, chaps.

0:16:30 > 0:16:32I see, em,

0:16:32 > 0:16:34Oh, it's whiffy.

0:16:34 > 0:16:36Can you smell that, Sergeant?

0:16:36 > 0:16:37Roses, Captain?

0:16:37 > 0:16:39Really?

0:16:39 > 0:16:44Anyway, I, er, just heard about the, er, big audition tomorrow,

0:16:44 > 0:16:49so I just thought I'd pop by and, er, you know, offer, er...

0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Sergeant.- Yes, lads. The Captain and I would both like to wish you

0:16:53 > 0:16:56all the very best in the audition tomorrow.

0:16:56 > 0:17:01It's not easy fitting in extra-curricular activities with all your other duties.

0:17:03 > 0:17:06I see you're, er, using toothbrushes.

0:17:06 > 0:17:09They're not your own, are they?

0:17:09 > 0:17:12Er, no, sir. A friend's?

0:17:12 > 0:17:18Good move. Er, Sarge, I think we'd probably be best ordering some scrubbing brushes.

0:17:18 > 0:17:23Toothbrushes are better for cleaning the old, er...pegs.

0:17:23 > 0:17:25Quite, sir. I'll get on to it.

0:17:25 > 0:17:31- Great job, lads.- Anyway, er, thanks very much chaps for volunteering to clean the Officers' Mess.

0:17:31 > 0:17:34We're not very good at cleaning the old, er...

0:17:36 > 0:17:40Not like you chaps. Anyway, at ease.

0:17:45 > 0:17:47D'you want to move?

0:17:47 > 0:17:51- No.- Fair do's.

0:17:51 > 0:17:52What are ya doin', ya dick?

0:17:52 > 0:17:57- Right, calm it doon. This is worse than being in Oasis. - They've split up.

0:17:57 > 0:18:01Right, we cannae go to the audition like this, they'll think we're mad bams.

0:18:01 > 0:18:05Oh, dinnae worry. I'll no be there to embarrass you. I'll let you dae that on yer ain.

0:18:05 > 0:18:09- I'm not daein' it either, no with him.- Lance Corporal Jackson!

0:18:09 > 0:18:11Private Kenning.

0:18:11 > 0:18:14Come here, now.

0:18:19 > 0:18:22Right. Youse ken me.

0:18:22 > 0:18:27You ken I don't pull rank unless it's something really important. And this is really important.

0:18:27 > 0:18:32Unrest in the squad could have serious implications for me...us...

0:18:32 > 0:18:34in, like, ken, loads of stuff.

0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Could it?- Yes.

0:18:36 > 0:18:38I think it very could.

0:18:38 > 0:18:41So let's get this sorted.

0:18:41 > 0:18:43Right, Jacko.

0:18:43 > 0:18:47You said something about Adam's brother that doesnae need repeated, right?

0:18:47 > 0:18:50But, to be fair, it was in the heat of the moment and if you'd apologised

0:18:50 > 0:18:54after nearly spilling they sweeties on his foot, this might have been resolved.

0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Aye, but... - Never mind wi' your aye buts.

0:18:57 > 0:19:04So what I want you to dae is turn, face each other, and say the following, right?

0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Right?- Right.

0:19:09 > 0:19:15- Right.- I am very sorry for what I said/done. Say it.

0:19:15 > 0:19:20BOTH: "I am very sorry for what I said/done. Say it."

0:19:20 > 0:19:24- And I agree to go to the advert audition to make up for it.- Whit?

0:19:24 > 0:19:27Say it.

0:19:27 > 0:19:32"And I agree to go to the advert audition to make up for it."

0:19:32 > 0:19:34Excellent. See?

0:19:34 > 0:19:36That wasnae that difficult, eh?

0:19:36 > 0:19:39- I felt a bit like Jerry Springer, there.- Go Gary, Go Gary!

0:19:39 > 0:19:45You know, one of the challenges of being in the Army is having to deal with two radges like these two.

0:19:45 > 0:19:48But at the end of the day, with the right skills,

0:19:48 > 0:19:52a senior rank and, most importantly, the right face,

0:19:52 > 0:19:54then any problem can be resolved.

0:19:54 > 0:19:58So until next time, take pure care of yourself...

0:19:58 > 0:20:02and each other. Like...

0:20:02 > 0:20:03Yeah!

0:20:09 > 0:20:14Honestly, lads, I have... we have got this in the bag, eh?

0:20:14 > 0:20:16Look at them. They've no chance, eh?

0:20:16 > 0:20:19Listen, we could still do the Full Metal Jacket bit, what do you think?

0:20:19 > 0:20:26OK, lads, just a wee note - what we're after today is real soldiers, so, just relax, be yourselves. OK?

0:20:26 > 0:20:28This is a waste of time.

0:20:28 > 0:20:30- No, it's no.- Just go, then.

0:20:30 > 0:20:31Gary, we're filthy.

0:20:31 > 0:20:33- So was your Maw last night.- Right!

0:20:36 > 0:20:40This is counter-productive and unnecessary. Stop it!

0:20:40 > 0:20:41Right, c'mon!

0:20:41 > 0:20:43Er, Corporal McLintoch?

0:20:43 > 0:20:48Aye, that's me. Listen, this is just artistic differences, eh? It'll be fine.

0:20:48 > 0:20:50Guys.

0:20:50 > 0:20:54- Jacko!- I'm gonnae eat your face!

0:20:54 > 0:20:58MUSIC: "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton

0:21:26 > 0:21:30Cut. Brilliant, Jacko, really good. Thanks, mate. All done, mate.

0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Right, Gary, you're up. - How did that go?

0:21:33 > 0:21:35- I dunno.- Well, listen.

0:21:35 > 0:21:36Gary, time's ticking.

0:21:41 > 0:21:42I'm sure you did your best, Jacko

0:21:42 > 0:21:46and, er, that's all we can ask. So...

0:21:46 > 0:21:47thanks.

0:21:48 > 0:21:51I'm brilliant when you are, Mr Director.

0:21:51 > 0:21:56Right, so, Gary, if you could, er, just, er, stand here, right?

0:21:56 > 0:21:59Now say the lines direct to the camera, right?

0:21:59 > 0:22:05So it's, "One Man, One Soul, One Goal, One Army.

0:22:05 > 0:22:09"Together we are soldiers". OK, mate?

0:22:09 > 0:22:12Em, can I just check?

0:22:12 > 0:22:15Is everyone getting to say it?

0:22:15 > 0:22:17Mate, don't worry about it, right.

0:22:17 > 0:22:20You just say your line, hunky dorey, like you would. OK?

0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Hunky dorey?- Hunky dorey.

0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Like I would...- Uh-huh.

0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Sorry, just one more question.- Hm?

0:22:28 > 0:22:31Merchandising and that, how does that, like, work, with T-shirts?

0:22:31 > 0:22:34Cos I was thinking maybe, like, a Gary Action Man

0:22:34 > 0:22:38and like a string at the back that you pull, and it says, "Hiya, My Name's Garreh."

0:22:38 > 0:22:42Mate, best thing for you, right, eh, superstar,

0:22:42 > 0:22:47is concentrate on the lines and let's just see where that takes us. OK?

0:22:47 > 0:22:51- OK.- So, everyone ready? On "action", Gary.

0:22:52 > 0:22:54Speed.

0:22:54 > 0:22:55And...action.

0:22:57 > 0:22:59One maan,

0:22:59 > 0:23:01One sooul,

0:23:01 > 0:23:03One gooul,

0:23:03 > 0:23:06One Armeh.

0:23:06 > 0:23:08Togethah we are soldiers?

0:23:09 > 0:23:12Right, once again, Gary.

0:23:12 > 0:23:15This time, trying to relax into it.

0:23:15 > 0:23:17- OK?- Relax, aye.

0:23:17 > 0:23:19Ready?

0:23:19 > 0:23:21And...

0:23:21 > 0:23:22action.

0:23:22 > 0:23:24One maan,

0:23:24 > 0:23:27One soul,

0:23:27 > 0:23:29One goal,

0:23:29 > 0:23:30togethah

0:23:30 > 0:23:34we ARE soldiers.

0:23:34 > 0:23:36OK, once again, Gary.

0:23:36 > 0:23:40Um, just a tad more relaxed.

0:23:40 > 0:23:42Try and give me something...

0:23:42 > 0:23:44- different.- Bit different?

0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Aye, different.- I can do different.

0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Ready?- Aye.

0:23:50 > 0:23:52And...action.

0:23:52 > 0:23:57One-man-one-soul-one-goal... one-army.

0:23:57 > 0:23:59Together we ARE soldiers.

0:23:59 > 0:24:00Right and...cut.

0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Thanks, Gary, thanks a lot. That's you done.- Was that all right?

0:24:03 > 0:24:06It was, er... Well, listen, time's ticking on, lads,

0:24:06 > 0:24:10I think we've got plenty to choose from there, so, er...

0:24:10 > 0:24:12That's it for the day. Thanks for coming in.

0:24:12 > 0:24:15- What about Adam?- I think we've got plenty of you as a unit.

0:24:15 > 0:24:19If you havenae filmed the four o' us, you havnae GOT the unit.

0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Understand? - Lance Corporal Jackson's right.

0:24:23 > 0:24:25You wouldnae just film the BIRDS frae ABBA.

0:24:26 > 0:24:28We're a unit.

0:24:28 > 0:24:30Like ABBA?

0:24:30 > 0:24:32Aye.

0:24:32 > 0:24:34Right, I get you. OK, everyone, once again.

0:24:34 > 0:24:37Sorry, everyone. Up you get, Adam.

0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Cheers.- Nae bother.

0:24:43 > 0:24:45I've noticed the director's opted

0:24:45 > 0:24:48for a really naturalistic approach to performance.

0:24:48 > 0:24:52I suspect he's a huge fan of Mike Leigh.

0:24:52 > 0:24:55As in Gary Mike-Leigh-intoch?

0:24:58 > 0:25:00Ayeee.

0:25:04 > 0:25:07Ah, at ease, chaps.

0:25:07 > 0:25:11Course, you all know my, em... Colonel Fanshawe.

0:25:11 > 0:25:14Ah yes, the actors.

0:25:15 > 0:25:18Hell, it's not going to be bloody pretty, is it?

0:25:18 > 0:25:20ALL: No, sir.

0:25:20 > 0:25:23Rex bloody Harrison, that's my man.

0:25:23 > 0:25:25You seen My Fair Lady?

0:25:26 > 0:25:30"Why can't a woman be more like a man?

0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Men are so honest, so thoroughly square,

0:25:33 > 0:25:36"eternally noble, historically fair,

0:25:36 > 0:25:40"who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.

0:25:40 > 0:25:44"But why can't a woman be like that?"

0:25:47 > 0:25:49Well, um...

0:25:49 > 0:25:51I bloody NAILED that!

0:25:51 > 0:25:52I think you did, sir.

0:25:52 > 0:25:55I bloody did, didn't I?

0:25:57 > 0:25:59I'm wasted here.

0:25:59 > 0:26:02So! This advert. You chaps want to see it?

0:26:02 > 0:26:05Bloody hope so, cos I do. Ha, ha, ha!

0:26:05 > 0:26:09Do you? Do you? DO YOU?

0:26:09 > 0:26:10ALL: Yes, sir.

0:26:10 > 0:26:13Sarge, play.

0:26:26 > 0:26:29'One man.

0:26:29 > 0:26:31'One soul.

0:26:31 > 0:26:32'One goal.

0:26:32 > 0:26:34'One Army.'

0:26:36 > 0:26:37'Together...'

0:26:38 > 0:26:40- '..We...'- '..Are...'

0:26:41 > 0:26:42'..Soldiers.'

0:26:42 > 0:26:46'When life is challenging you, try challenging yourself.'

0:26:46 > 0:26:51'One Army, regular or territorial. Who do YOU want to be?'

0:26:51 > 0:26:54Well, I, er, I thought that was, er...

0:26:54 > 0:26:58Not bloody bad! Liked it. Good show, Jackson.

0:26:58 > 0:27:04Not quite Rex Harrison, but not bad. Sergeant?

0:27:04 > 0:27:06I quite agree, sir.

0:27:06 > 0:27:07Not quite Rex Harrison.

0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Thank you, sir. - "Thank you, sir" - you've changed.

0:27:10 > 0:27:12As you were, chaps. AT EASE!

0:27:12 > 0:27:14Off you go.

0:27:14 > 0:27:16Yah, at ease.

0:27:26 > 0:27:32"We"? Are you actually kidding me? "We"?

0:27:32 > 0:27:33What's that all about?

0:27:33 > 0:27:35Any idiot can say "we".

0:27:35 > 0:27:38I know. And he did.

0:27:38 > 0:27:40No' funny, just no' funny.

0:27:40 > 0:27:42- I quite liked my "are". - It was missing an "s".

0:27:42 > 0:27:45"Soldiers", that's a good word, eh?

0:27:45 > 0:27:48I'm expecting panties through the post for that, my boy.

0:27:48 > 0:27:51Aye, granny pants.

0:27:53 > 0:27:55Granny pants? Love it.

0:28:00 > 0:28:03Here, what I said about...you know.

0:28:03 > 0:28:08Ah, forget about it. You were tops. Done, mate.

0:28:08 > 0:28:10- Cheers.- Aww...

0:28:10 > 0:28:12Liam and Noel...

0:28:12 > 0:28:16back together, eh? Sweet.

0:28:19 > 0:28:21- Here, missed a bit.- Where?

0:28:21 > 0:28:23There.

0:28:23 > 0:28:24Where?

0:28:24 > 0:28:27# There on the stair, right there

0:28:27 > 0:28:30ALL: # A little mouse with clogs on

0:28:30 > 0:28:34# Well, I declare, going clip clippety clop on the stair

0:28:34 > 0:28:35# Oh, yes! #

0:28:54 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:57 > 0:29:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk