:00:03. > :00:13.This programme contains adult humour.
:00:13. > :00:42.
:00:42. > :00:51.Here, come and play. If Carlsberg made morons. Move it,
:00:51. > :01:01.you amateur speed walker. C'mon lads. Keep strong Jacko, push it
:01:01. > :01:08.
:01:08. > :01:13.all the way. All the way. Help the What was the time? Sorry, lads,
:01:13. > :01:20.that's a fail. Sake! Your excess baggage let you down there. Aye
:01:20. > :01:23.nightmare. Did I no get a PB? only PB you got, son, is the pot
:01:23. > :01:27.belly hanging out your trousers. I'm in the shape of my life at the
:01:27. > :01:30.moment. Aye, if your life's shaped like a sweaty boyo. Sweaty boyo! At
:01:30. > :01:38.least I dinnae like. HE WHIMPERS. Do you want to try that again?
:01:38. > :01:44.WHIMPERS. Another epic bollocking fail. I want these monkeys beasted
:01:44. > :01:48.til they can't move. I could go a banana. This is affecting morale.
:01:48. > :01:58.Unlucky, Gary. All right lads, I'll go easy with you to start. Sixty
:01:58. > :02:02.
:02:02. > :02:09.burpees. C'mon Hippo, out of the Right. How come there's no a
:02:09. > :02:17.company that sells peas called World Peas. I mean, I would call it
:02:17. > :02:27.that and folk would be like oh, Gareh, that's such a clever name. I
:02:27. > :02:41.
:02:41. > :02:46.hate peas. But I love peace. I have nae time for small talk.
:02:46. > :02:52.Chips. So we locked him in the boot of a mini, drove it to Pontypridd,
:02:52. > :02:56.now we all buggered off and left him there. And I slept like a baby.
:02:56. > :03:00.Belter! Gary, you've got to hear this one mate. No you're all right.
:03:00. > :03:03.Listen up! Due to Corporal Lard Arse, you will all be running again
:03:03. > :03:10.on Thursday. But this time your pass or fail will be determined by
:03:10. > :03:18.your individual times. Do you hear that, one ton mum? What? Time we
:03:18. > :03:25.separated the fit from the fat. He's a bit of a ball breaker, eh?
:03:25. > :03:31.Do you hear that, one ton mum? is spot on. That is spot on like,
:03:31. > :03:35.eh? Calm down. Who's that meant to be? Sergeant Thomson. He's got him
:03:35. > :03:41.down to a T, as in Thomson (laughter) d'ya get it? Aye, he's
:03:42. > :03:47.got him down to a T if the Sergeant is frae Jamaica. Ah right. Course.
:03:48. > :03:53.You can do him better Gary? Course. Eh lads? Oh aye. Gary's impressions
:03:53. > :03:56.are legendary. Fire away. All right. Just dinnae choke that. Get doon
:03:56. > :04:03.and gimme a hundred press ups. I'm really angreh and I've got a
:04:03. > :04:12.moustache. That's amazing. Thanks Gary, you've made my day. That is
:04:12. > :04:22.the worst impression I have ever heard. Awful. No. Really. Awful.
:04:22. > :04:28.
:04:29. > :04:32.See you boys later. I really do not Oh aye. My name's Mitch Fox and I
:04:32. > :04:40.think I'm amazing what with like my face and my chat and my bad
:04:40. > :04:43.impressions. What's he like, eh lads? Och he's all right. He's no
:04:43. > :04:47.all right. He's one of the worst human beings I've ever met. Or
:04:47. > :04:52.worse. I think he's quite funny. We're talking about going for a few
:04:52. > :04:55.jars with him this week. You should come, out? Right. Hold the bus, get
:04:55. > :04:59.everybody off. What did you just say? I should come oot? What, was I
:04:59. > :05:02.no invited? He asked us when you were up getting your third plate of
:05:02. > :05:05.chips. Third plate of chips? I dinnae think so. Maybe two and a
:05:05. > :05:09.half. But what odds does it make how many plates of chips I'm having
:05:09. > :05:13.anyway? Nothing. Well clearly something. Doesnae matter. Ah but
:05:13. > :05:16.it clearly does matter. So come on then, spit it out. All right. We
:05:16. > :05:22.spunked the run because you were knackered. Mebbe if you cut back on
:05:22. > :05:27.the chips a bit. (stutters) Ch ch - What? Jacko's right. It's clear
:05:27. > :05:30.that your cardio vascular system is under excessive strain. No. My ears
:05:30. > :05:32.are under excessive strain from your dying cat's voice. Have you
:05:32. > :05:36.thought about trying, like, cup-a- soups? My gran lost three stone
:05:36. > :05:46.just having them. What is this all aboot? Do I look like a granny
:05:46. > :05:54.
:05:54. > :05:59.that's gotta lose three stone? Aw! Right. That's fine. Double. Oan.
:05:59. > :06:09.Naw! And you say I'm the one that needs to lose weight huh? I dinnae
:06:09. > :06:15.
:06:15. > :06:21.OK, fatties. This is every chump for herself. Fail this one and it's
:06:21. > :06:25.Babycham for you todgers at the last chance saloon. PTI Fox will be
:06:25. > :06:32.leading you out on the run so I suggest you try very, very hard to
:06:32. > :06:37.keep the pace. Questions? Aye. How come he's so smug all the time?
:06:37. > :06:44.What's that Gary? Was that your impression of Sergeant Thomson? No.
:06:44. > :06:54.An impression of Sergeant Thomson? Well don't be shy, Corporal Joker.
:06:54. > :06:54.
:06:54. > :07:02.Sergeant Thomson would love to hear it. Um hiya! I'm Sergeant Thomson.
:07:02. > :07:12.I'm that angry all the time. Get doon and gimme 37. Shut your mouth.
:07:12. > :07:20.Bella Emberg. She doesn't look a bit like me. You need to check
:07:21. > :07:30.yourself before I wreck yourself. Fox! OK lads steady pace. Or Gary,
:07:31. > :07:31.
:07:31. > :08:42.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds
:08:42. > :08:47.as fast as you can. Ready? Three What's happened, Corporal? First 50
:08:48. > :08:57.metres you were so strong. Not had your chips today? No, I havenae.
:08:58. > :09:06.
:09:06. > :09:12.Pick it up, soldier. Imagine I'm a chip. Fail. Again. Corporal, look
:09:12. > :09:15.at you. Look at you! You're a mess, man. Your own men have passed and
:09:15. > :09:19.look at you, panting in the mud like an asthmatic hippo. Just gimme
:09:19. > :09:24.a second. You've had thousands of seconds and you still failed. You,
:09:24. > :09:30.Corporal, are a failure. Mitch, steady. Naw, Jacko, it's fine.
:09:30. > :09:34.can fight my ain... Battles. See? That's the problem. He couldn't
:09:34. > :09:38.fight his way out of a wet chippie bag. Aye I could. Just gimme one
:09:38. > :09:40.and I'll show you. And when I get out I'll beat you. What, an eating
:09:40. > :09:43.competition? All right. Nah, you're dandy. I prefer something a bit
:09:43. > :09:48.more physical. What, like a race? Good idea. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
:09:48. > :09:52.Gary is dangerously unfit. He might die. And a race with that isn't
:09:52. > :10:00.exactly much competition. Hauld on. Did you just call me "that"? Aye he
:10:00. > :10:05.did. I heard him. Right. Naebody calls me "that". All right. All
:10:05. > :10:09.right. I'll race you and I'll beat you. OK. But when I beat you, it's
:10:09. > :10:17.an automatic fail, no matter what the time. Which will be your third
:10:17. > :10:22.epic fail? Demotion time. Mitch. Dinnae be a fanny. You're on.
:10:22. > :10:27.donnae you be a fanny. Sorry lads, looks like it's time to say goodbye
:10:27. > :10:33.to your Corporal. See you boys later for a drink? Maybe not.
:10:33. > :10:43.enough. Plenty of time for that once Chubb here is away. Dick.
:10:43. > :10:44.
:10:44. > :10:54.Brilliant Gary. He's a PTI. Aye. But I'm a GTI. I'm gonnae beat him
:10:54. > :10:55.
:10:55. > :11:00.Right, I'll be doing the physical training with Gary. I want you on
:11:00. > :11:06.nutrition and Mickey you'll just be daein stuff that I tell ye to. I've
:11:06. > :11:13.already been doing some reading, and. Continue, I'm kind of
:11:13. > :11:22.interested. Right. Well for quick results it's cutting out the
:11:22. > :11:32.unrefined carbs. So for example have you any guesses? Ham? Gary,
:11:32. > :11:32.
:11:32. > :11:40.I'm talking about the elephant in the room. Chips. Can you give them
:11:40. > :11:45.up? What, completely? Aye. Naw. I cannae. You can do it, Gary. Just
:11:45. > :11:48.dinnae order them or eat them. is serious, Gary. You have to beat
:11:48. > :11:54.him but it's going to take sacrifices. What aboot a goat?
:11:54. > :12:02.Gary! Focus. You just need to remember. (high voice) He's not a
:12:02. > :12:06.machine, he's just a man. What? Rocky Four. The coach. It's what
:12:06. > :12:10.the coach says right at the end. I've not seen that one. Is it a
:12:10. > :12:14.female coach? Shut up! Gary, you can do this. Fox is just a man, you
:12:14. > :12:17.just need to stay focused. You just need to up the aggression. You are
:12:17. > :12:24.giving up chips! All right, all right, calm doon. What you doin'?
:12:24. > :12:34.What you doin', ya mad radge? Stop it! You're giving up chips. Stop
:12:34. > :12:35.
:12:35. > :12:45.it! You are making me angry! You're giving up chips! What are you
:12:45. > :12:49.daein? I'm giving up chips. Feel the anger! Feel the force! Chase
:12:49. > :12:59.the force! You are gonnae beat Mitch Fox. I am! I'm gonnae beat
:12:59. > :12:59.
:12:59. > :14:43.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds
:14:43. > :14:48.Mitch Fox. Mitch Fox, I'm coming to I think, em, folk are interested in
:14:48. > :14:54.women doing sport in the Olympics. I mean, I think the women who are
:14:54. > :15:04.doing sport, whoever they are, are doing really well. But I suppose at
:15:04. > :15:08.
:15:08. > :15:12.the end of the day it's no the Er, what's this all about then?
:15:12. > :15:16.just want to tell you and Julie together the boys already know.
:15:17. > :15:26.You're no involved in that human trafficking, are you? I saw it on
:15:27. > :15:36.
:15:36. > :15:41.the news the other day. No. Aboot time. C'moan. Sorry, sorry,
:15:41. > :15:44.I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm late Mr. McLintoch, I had an interview at
:15:45. > :15:48.Pablo's Pets for a part time post and I saw a snake and I screamed.
:15:48. > :15:51.Then all the animals started making noises and I tried to calm them
:15:51. > :15:54.down by smilin' at them, then Pablo got really annoyed and started
:15:54. > :15:58.shouting things in Spanish and I wasn't sure if it was still part of
:15:58. > :16:06.the interview so I just said si', si, si, si' a lot. Anyway he said
:16:06. > :16:12.I'll hear next week if I've got it. I think that's what he said. Good.
:16:12. > :16:16.Em, right. This isn't easy to say. So I think you'd better sit doon.
:16:16. > :16:20.Oh my actual tearful God, am I gonna cry? I don't like crying but
:16:20. > :16:25.I cannae help it. Oh no I can feel it coming on. Where does the water
:16:25. > :16:34.come frae? And what has it got to do with your nose? Julie. Deep
:16:34. > :16:41.breaths, Julie. Deep breaths. Thanks Gary. OK. Now, this isn't
:16:41. > :16:44.easy to say. Oh my God have you got a cereal illness? Julie! Will you
:16:44. > :16:53.just listen? You know I've been training for this race, it's made
:16:53. > :17:01.me realise something that up until now I havenae been able to say.
:17:01. > :17:07.What is it, son? My name's Gareh and I'm addicted to chips. No-o-o-
:17:07. > :17:13.o! Och that's nonsense. You cannae be addicted to chips. Dad I'm nae
:17:13. > :17:17.denying it. I'm an addict. Once I start I just cannae stop, you know
:17:18. > :17:22.that way. That's true, I'm feeling quite peckish myself. Is that us
:17:22. > :17:25.then, I'll pop they chips on now? I'm just off the chips and you're
:17:25. > :17:29.talking about cooking them. I'm just looking for a bit of support.
:17:29. > :17:38.I'm here fer you Gary. Unless I get that job next week, then I need to
:17:39. > :17:43.go in. Thanks Julie. Well, er, me too son. So, er, what can you have?
:17:43. > :17:47.Well, Charlie was talking about like protein. Aye, that sounds like
:17:47. > :17:52.his kind of chat right enough. I'll look into it. Thanks, Dad. Here,
:17:52. > :18:02.I've got the very thing for an addict. Cold turkey. There's some
:18:02. > :18:03.
:18:03. > :18:52.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds
:18:52. > :18:56.drumsticks in the freezer. Fry them Fox's best time is just over nine
:18:56. > :19:06.minutes. The boy is a machine, no a man. Nae chance Gary is gettin'
:19:06. > :19:06.
:19:06. > :19:11.anywhere near that. So what's the plan? It's a joke. Look, I've got
:19:11. > :19:17.it sorted. Find Fox and tell him to meet me tonight at the barrack gate,
:19:17. > :19:25.seven o'clock. All right lads? Yes, I am looking rather amazin' after
:19:25. > :19:35.my run. I am starvin', but in a PC way. Shhh! Ah, Cheffy, what a
:19:35. > :19:37.
:19:37. > :19:47.beautiful day it is today out there. D'ye get oot much? Enough. Enough.
:19:47. > :19:50.
:19:50. > :20:00.So, Corporal, what would you like? Chips? No, just some brown bread
:20:00. > :20:07.
:20:07. > :20:17.nae butter, thanks. And....? Some.... Mmm, just oot the fryer.
:20:17. > :20:23.
:20:23. > :20:33.Say it. Ch-, ch-, ch-, ch-, ch-. Chargrilled vegetables. I've done
:20:33. > :20:43.it! I've done it! Right, I've got to head. See you fannies in a bit.
:20:43. > :21:04.
:21:04. > :21:07.Oh, Jacko, if you're looking for Gary, Gary. Hiya. I cannae stop now
:21:07. > :21:11.I'm sayin' I cannae stop now, I've taken up speedwalking. It's like
:21:11. > :21:16.runnin' but no as difficult. I like it. Well done, Julie. And I I and
:21:16. > :21:19.and and. Julie what is it? I'm off the chips too. Nae chips in three
:21:19. > :21:23.days. That is brilliant Julie, welcome to the programme. Thanks.
:21:23. > :21:27.Here, I thought you'd be going on the road trip with Jacko. I've got
:21:27. > :21:34.the race tomorrow. What road trip? You know, wi' Jacko And, er,
:21:34. > :21:41.whatsisname. Oh my actual forgetful God, what is his name? Who? Fopps?
:21:41. > :21:46.Fopps? I'm tired. Naw, it's a deid, on the motorway, squished. Julie,
:21:46. > :21:54.who is deid on the motorway? No-one I hope. Likes bins, red dog, disnae
:21:54. > :21:58.bark. A fox? Fox. That's him, Fox. Well done Gary. Jacko's taken him
:21:58. > :22:02.on a road trip, he borrowed my car and guess what? He made me take all
:22:02. > :22:06.my cushions out so that he could fit his ropes in oh. He said I've
:22:06. > :22:12.not to tell you. No no, it's fine. What else did he tell you not to
:22:12. > :22:16.tell me? Just that he'll bring my car back after the race. Right. I'd
:22:16. > :22:19.better go. Don't tell Jacko I told you, he said not to tell you and
:22:19. > :22:23.then I told you. Julie, dinnae worry aboot it. Jacko's secret is
:22:24. > :22:33.safe with me. I'll see you later! The man who jumped is only taller
:22:34. > :22:46.
:22:46. > :22:56.for a bit. But the man who didnae I'll let you think about that for a
:22:56. > :23:04.
:23:04. > :23:07.What are you up to? Nothing. Jacko, I just spoke to Julie and she never
:23:07. > :23:13.said anything but I ken what you're up to. Sake! Look Gary, you cannae
:23:13. > :23:16.win this race. If I get him oot the way then we can say he didnae pitch
:23:16. > :23:19.up and you dinnae get demoted. no gonnae get demoted. The
:23:19. > :23:24.trainin's going well, I'm getting better, I'm gonnae beat him.
:23:24. > :23:27.cannae, Gary. Trust me. No. You trust me, right. I've never let you
:23:27. > :23:30.down when it comes to a specific running task like this. Gary, we're
:23:30. > :23:32.talking you getting demoted. we're no. Cos I've just changed the
:23:32. > :23:42.subject. We're talking aboot me winning without cheating or
:23:42. > :23:47.
:23:47. > :23:52.kidnapping. What is that? Hm? What You're clear on what you're doing?
:23:52. > :23:55.Aye. I've got to run faster to beat him. Remember to pace yourself
:23:55. > :23:58.though. Cos he'll set off quickly, dinnae be put off. Remember (high
:23:58. > :24:04.voice) he's not a machine, he's just a man. Can ye no dae that?
:24:04. > :24:11.It's weird. It makes me feel weird. All o yez just stop, right? Morning
:24:11. > :24:18.son. Just in time. Here. What's that? That's rocket fuel, son. Aye?
:24:18. > :24:22.Brilliant. Gaz, focus. Dinnae let him wind you up. Morning. Ready for
:24:22. > :24:27.your last race as Corporal? What you've got such a bad attitude.
:24:27. > :24:35.What's that? A cheeky steroid drink? That, my not friend, is
:24:35. > :24:39.rocket petrol. Yeah? I'm just checkin' it. Dad! Hey. Perfectly
:24:39. > :24:46.legal, son. I'm no some dirty crack den whore crack dealer. There's
:24:46. > :24:55.enough protein in that shake to sink a whale. Oh what?! What an
:24:55. > :24:58.arsehole. What was in that? Listen. Aye, did you think Mr. Lucozade is
:24:58. > :25:03.gonnae give his recipe to any wee prick that asks him? Ready?
:25:03. > :25:07.wait. Can I have a few minutes? What, head start? Aye, cos you're
:25:07. > :25:11.gonnae need it. Don't think that's a good ide,a big Daddy. You both
:25:11. > :25:21.know the drill. Once round the course. On your marks, get set, Go!
:25:21. > :25:21.
:25:21. > :26:12.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds
:26:12. > :26:22.Come on Gary do good. May the best Oh, yes, yes! Come on Gary, come on
:26:22. > :26:44.
:26:44. > :26:49.He's behind you. This is like panto. You cheating shit. Hey, language.
:26:49. > :26:51.What you talking about? That drink. He tried to poison me. There was
:26:51. > :26:54.nothing wrang with that protein shake. Yogurt, banana, anchovies,
:26:54. > :26:59.fish fingers, home made, and that value turkey mince was cooked right
:26:59. > :27:04.through. He's just a sore loser. Imagine if I'd had that drink as
:27:04. > :27:08.well. Face it Mitch, you lost. End of. I want him demoted. Now! He
:27:08. > :27:13.tried to poison me. Listen, moaning Lisa. Plump chops there has beaten
:27:13. > :27:17.you. Suck it up. But this is bullshit. I hold the fastest time
:27:17. > :27:25.for this course. I am the inter regiment cross country champion.
:27:25. > :27:33.I've won races in Darlington, Peterborough, Ponty. Boring. See?
:27:33. > :27:43.And that's coming frae him. Said Charlie. Wooooooo! Sarge I've done
:27:43. > :27:43.
:27:43. > :27:50.it. We'll see. Time. 11.32. Disgraceful. But technically a pass.
:27:50. > :27:57.Yas! Disgraceful but technically a pass. Sarge is proud. In his ain
:27:57. > :28:02.special way, Sarge is proud. Congratulations son. I think coming