0:00:02 > 0:00:03CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:13 > 0:00:14SCREAMING
0:00:14 > 0:00:15You bastards!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Atten-shun!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Ah, good evening, not so little chef.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Usual please, and just in case you've dropped your memory,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53chips are the usual.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Thank you, please.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Please and thank you, thank you, please,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58please and thank you, please and thank you.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Thank you, please. Please and thank you.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thank you, please. Thank you.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I'm thanking you, chef, please, thank you very much, please,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07and thank you, chef.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10You up for a few drinks, tonight, Gaz?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Aye, try and stop me. Dinnae really.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14NAAFI'll be busy, with all the engineers up just now.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Aye, they'll just have to make way for the tank crew, won't they, boys?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Just mind and bring your ID, bum fluff.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Aye, bum fluff. Cos of your fluffy bum.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27All right lads? Long time, no see.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29How's tricks?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Aye, good tricks, good times.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Psst! Zip it! Dinnae speak to him.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Why?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Cos he's a wee snake.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Yeah. Pssssss - see ya.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41You're not still blubbin' over that misunderstanding, are you?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42What happened?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Cammy, here, basically conned Gary into trading our flights
0:01:45 > 0:01:48back from Afghan for tickets to Shark Land.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Naw, it was gonnae be Shark World.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53We were going to be kings for the day
0:01:53 > 0:01:56That's right Gary, we were going to be kings for the day.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Mind, you still could be - they've opened up a Tiger Planet.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Tiger Planet? Grrr.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- Gary!- Sorry. I don't know what he does to me.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08He's usin' a low level neuro-linguistic
0:02:08 > 0:02:10programming sales technique.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Is he?- Is that right, boffin bollocks?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Who you callin' boffin bollocks?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect your wife in public.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Right, that's it! - Jacko, no!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Watch my hair!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Stop this junior Sumo now!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30All of ye.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Calm down, sit down.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Get on wi' your scran.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37McLintoch, Joe 90, my office, now!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39But Sarge, he was...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42No likey, no carey.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49# We're jammin'
0:02:49 > 0:02:51# We're jammin'
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# Hope you like jammin' too. #
0:02:56 > 0:03:01That's one of my favourite songs, it's by a guy called Bob Marleh,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04do you know him?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07And that song's about making jam.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I like jam.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15So, I think we're quite similar.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I'd really like to meet Bob.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26What?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Come on, mate, are you still not speaking to me?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Fair enough not grassing up your mate - should be him
0:03:35 > 0:03:36cleaning the Sarge's car.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I'll start the inside, will I?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Huh, jackpot!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Aw, check them oot. Can I have one?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Aye, help yourself.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57About time for a break anyway.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Have you got the time, Gary?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Half three.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Must get tiring, that.- What?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Having to do that every time you want to know the time.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Reaching into your pocket, having to search for your phone, is your phone there?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Sorry mate, what was the time again?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28That's three thirty one.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32That's actually pretty tiring.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Have a gawp at that - beautiful, eh?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Aye.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Perfect for the man that's always having to reach into his pocket,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41but doesn't have the time.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Gary, I do not say this lightly,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49you were born to wear that watch.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Aye.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Aye. Genuine Bolex
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Bolex?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Twenty five carat Jamaican white gold.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Jamaican white gold?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01How come you're no' wearing it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Allergies. I've got the lot.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I'm allergic to gold, cats, I've got hay fever.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I spent £5,000 on that watch, I cannot even wear it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Five grand? Why don't you just take it back to the shop?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15That's it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Me nana's cat ate the receipt and I can't go near the cat, can I?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Cos of the hay fever.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Looking at that big beautiful watch on your wrist, something tells me
0:05:24 > 0:05:27it's found its home.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Thank you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Cammy, haud on, I dinnae have five grand.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Mate, mate, what with all that Shark World palaver,
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I'm going to give it to you.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Aye?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39For a hundred quid.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41A hundred ...
0:05:42 > 0:05:43I know. Cheap, isn't it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I mean, you'd spend that on, what, a round of drinks?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Erm...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Imagine, walking into the NAAFI bar,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55you've got a five grand watch on your wrist.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58All the squaddies are looking, who's that lucky bastard wearing a Bolex?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Me!
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I'm the lucky bastard with a Bolex.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Here, Gary, what's the time? Uh-uh...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29The usual.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30We dinnae serve chips here.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34What? Cheffy, is that wee silly you?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- What you doin' badly here? - They're short staffed.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Your mojo can check you out, you're tiny, eh?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Right. My usual is a Boke, which is Baileys and Coke, so -
0:06:44 > 0:06:47chips chops.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Not only is he a world-respected physicist,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52he also played keyboards for the band D:Ream.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Aye, but I still dinnae ken him.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59All right? Ready for a good ti-i-i-i-ime?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Holy shit, check out the bling!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Aye - bling bling, bling bling!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Hello, the owner of a better watch than Big Ben's watch,
0:07:06 > 0:07:07aye, it's me Gareh!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Are you for real?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13It would appear so. I mean, come on, check that oot.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Does that say Bolex?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I certainly hope so.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Bolex?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Gary did you get this frae Cammy?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Aye. It's 25 carat white Jamaican gold.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Is that good?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Only if you're smokin' it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31THEY LAUGH
0:07:31 > 0:07:32What?
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Aw, ma boy, I mean, hats off tae him, he's got you again.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- You've been Cammied. - This sounds mental.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42What youse talkin' aboot?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Gary, how much did you pay for your Bolex?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Hundred quid.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:49What? He said it's worth five grand.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Gary, a Rolex is worth five grand.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54But a Bolex is worth a fiver off a guy on the beach.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Aye, who might throw in some Boakley sunglasses.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00A wee Bolce and Babanna belt?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02A Bucci bag?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04But they're no' real makes.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13No, no, no, no!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Ragin'.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23BELL RINGS
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Right, right. - Last orders.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Just leave the bottle. - I cannae dae that.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Cannae dae that, cannae dae that - what can you dae, eh?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Cos you're not a barman, and yer hardly a cheffeh.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36And your chips are rubbish.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I'm starvin' chef.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Five cans of heavy, please, mate.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I've got bones to pick wi' you!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48All right, Gary. You haven't got the time have you, mate?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Aye, it's - aargh!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You sold me a Bolex, that isn't even real!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Looks real to me, though.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Do you honestly think you can get away wi' almost making me look like an idiot?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Just gimme my money back.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Sold as seen, mate, sold as seen.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05You were happy enough about it, before.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Dinnae be a fanny. Just gie him his money back.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Whose husband are you meant to be, exactly? - What you saying?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Jacko, just leave it, just leave it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I'll deal with this.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19You...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24..are stupid.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33What exactly are you drinkin'?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I'm drinkin' a boke.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38You got a problem with that? You got a problem with me drinking a boke?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- SERGEANT:- Break it up!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46McLintoch.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Why am I over here, shouting,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51when I should be over there, drinking?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Cos he's stupid.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Get out of my Friday.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Fine. I was leavin' in a bit anyway.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05This isnae over, yet.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Not by a long walk.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12# You can't stop looking at me
0:10:12 > 0:10:15# Staring at me, be what I be
0:10:15 > 0:10:17# You can't stop looking at me
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# So get up out my face
0:10:19 > 0:10:20# You can't stop clicking at me
0:10:20 > 0:10:23# Writing 'bout me Tweeting 'bout me
0:10:23 > 0:10:25# I can't stop, it's what it gon' be
0:10:25 > 0:10:26# My swagger's in check
0:10:26 > 0:10:28# Get on the floor
0:10:28 > 0:10:31# Get, get, get on the floor
0:10:32 > 0:10:34# My swagger's in check
0:10:34 > 0:10:35# Get on the floor,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38# Get, get, get on the floor
0:10:39 > 0:10:41# I got it in check
0:10:41 > 0:10:44# Swagger jagger, swagger jagger
0:10:44 > 0:10:48# You should get some of your own
0:10:48 > 0:10:52# Count that money Get your game up
0:10:52 > 0:10:54# Get your game up... #
0:11:03 > 0:11:06So, Rolfaroos.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Can you guess who's in trouble, yet?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15What? This wasnae me!
0:11:15 > 0:11:19McLintoch, we all saw you spit the dummy last night.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22I spat at a dummy?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I must have been wrecked.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Did I not leave with youse?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Naw.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You left on your own,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34having thrown your lady drink at that engineer, Cameron.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39You then, weakly, threatened him, came here,
0:11:39 > 0:11:44and for some incredibly stupid reason, did this!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47But I don't remember.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49The prosecution rests.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Get that off the wall, now!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54And McLintoch, you are on very thin ice,
0:11:54 > 0:11:59and for a man in your shape that's very, very dangerous.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And I don't swim.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- What were you thinking?- What?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And the "your" should be apostrophe R-E.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Boring. And I never done this.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Jacko, lads, come on!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22What's all this?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25'Cammy your stupid.'
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Not very inventive, Gary.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Gary? Why do folk keep saying Gary?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Aw, it's you!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35You want folk to think this was me!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You sneaky, snidey, snoopy.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Spraying my own name on my own block?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It's not a very great idea, is it?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Aye, but having an ice cream in a sauna isnae a great idea, but I do it.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Gary, leave it!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Jacko, what are you saying that for?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53You ken what he's like. So where were you last night, huh?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I was in the NAAFI, with you.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Aw - damn. - What about after?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Well, I just came down and did this graffiti. Oops!
0:13:00 > 0:13:01I'm not that stupid.
0:13:01 > 0:13:07Aw. You might actually be quite bright, but watch my words.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08I will clear my name.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Yeah. Not before you've cleared mine, though.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14I'll let you get on with it.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17HE LAUGHS
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You're lucky that Bolex is splash proof.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23He so done it!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You're right, Mickey. He pure done did.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30See, the tricky thing with North Korea is -
0:13:30 > 0:13:32have you see that wee laddie?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Kim Young 'Un? He's clearly got issues.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And nuclear weapons. That isnae a good combo.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41But I mean, what can you do?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I mean, he's calling the shots, literally.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Let's just hope he gets what he wants for Christmas,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49honestly, cos just one nuclear tantrum frae him,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52and we'll all be Kim Jung Killed.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53KNOCK ON DOOR
0:14:39 > 0:14:40KNOCK ON DOOR
0:14:57 > 0:15:02McLintoch!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11McLintoch, I'm a very generous man.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15So, I'm going to give you one final chance to redeem
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- your lying piggy face. - But, but, but...
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Little pig, little pig, shut your fat face!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I just caught you in the act.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Wanksy!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29But Sarge, I swear, right, I'm being set up, it wasnae me.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I feel like Orange Juice Simpson!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33So, who set you up?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36No - I cannae.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I thought as much.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Admit your guilt and I will show leniency.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44But Sarge, it wasnae me!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46You're making things worse for yourself.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Well, how do I make it better?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Tell me the truth! I want the truth!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You can't handle the truth!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Where is that from? Is it Aladdin?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Shut up!
0:15:58 > 0:16:03McLintoch, your seven day suspension starts now.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Noooo!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Oh, yeeeees!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Morning.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Do you think when the army started, it was just, like, one guy
0:16:46 > 0:16:49and folk were, like, "Coco, calm doon!"
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Gary? That's midday.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Get out of your bed.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04No. There's nothing to get out for.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Cammy's ruined my life!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Can you bring me my breakfast now, Dad?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Wee bastard!
0:17:16 > 0:17:21GARY GROANS
0:17:21 > 0:17:23TV: '..treated by the criminal justice system.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26'It followed mounting concern about the number of women held in jail.'
0:17:26 > 0:17:27GARY GROANS
0:17:27 > 0:17:30'..recommends demolishing Cornton Vale Prison in Stirling,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32'which would be replaced with a smaller jail...'
0:17:32 > 0:17:34GARY GROANS
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Can you stop that?- Stop what?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37That noise you keep doing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40What you talking about? I'm not doing any noise!
0:17:40 > 0:17:44You know, that... GARY'S DAD GROANS
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I'm not doing that! Stop shouting at me!
0:17:47 > 0:17:51TV: 'It makes 37 recommendations including closing Cornton Vale.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54'The commission also recommends that new powers be given
0:17:54 > 0:17:55'to police and judges...'
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- I was watching that!- It's rubbish. I don't want to watch that.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Right. I've had enough of this. Go to your room.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Naw. You can't boss me about.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Gary! Go to your room!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Fine. I hate you!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15'.. problem could no longer be ignored.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18'In my 28 years as a prosecutor...'
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Is my phone there?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Thanks Dad.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26'..the local community, their families and themselves.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29'He said, undoubtedly...'
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Thanks for helping, Julie.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- It's never easy adjusting when you come out the army.- Mmm.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Is it like when you come out the dentist,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07and you're no sure how long it is till you can have some sweets?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Kind of.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Are you enjoying having a paper round?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16It's no' as good as the army. I miss my gun.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18But then, maybe my dad's right.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21It has given me something to get up for in the mornings.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And what about the rest of today?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I'll probably go back to bed.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Right, off we go.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Last one, drive on, driver.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Number 41. You know the drill.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I like this bit.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Here Mr dog, dog, dog.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I've got something for you!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh, my actual dog! Gary, look, he's came over!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Stay here Mr Dog, dog, dog, dog.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- That's brilliant. Just keep him there. Keep him there, right?- Right.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Go, Gary. Go, go, go.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Here Mr Dog, dog, dog, do you want a wee treat?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Do you want a wee treat? Look at me and all my treats.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Now, which hand's it in? I've only got two, so you've got a chance.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23This hand or that hand? Which one is it? Which one's it in?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25That's it, clear, clear.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27How do you do that, Julie? That's brilliant.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I've developed this wee thing, right? Treats.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32You say to the dog you've got a treat, they hear you say
0:20:32 > 0:20:35treat, cos they want a treat, cos they always want treats.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Then they come over for the treat
0:20:36 > 0:20:38but they don't know what hand it's in.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39And which hand is it in?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Oh, my actual dog. That's the thing. There's nae treats!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- Ha!- Clever! That is really clever.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Very clever indeed.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Julie, would you like a treat?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Yes, please.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- That one.- That one?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Naw! Which hand is it in?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- That one.- Naw!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- What?- See, that's the thing. There's nae treats!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Oh, you got me, there!- I got you!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Look at me, I'm like a wee dog! Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And I'm like that! Grr, grr, grr!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19My favourite story when I was growing up was, erm,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22it was actually one of those stories wi' a lesson.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28It was called The Boy Who Could Cry Like A Wolf.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31HE HOWLS
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Cos it really stuck with me. Stuck in my mind.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41It was just a good story,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43but then, of course, in the end,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45he wasnae really crying like a wolf.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49He was making it up.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55I just thought, that's a really good lesson, like, for all of us.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Hi-ya!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04GARY'S FRIENDS CHEER
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Check this place out, eh? It's hardly changed.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14You've only been away a week, Gary.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Charlie, a week is like a year when you're in solitary.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You were staying at your dad's.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Jacko, see, before my dad got me that paper round,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I was seriously suffering frae Stuck-Home Syndrome.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25What did the paper shop say when you quit?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28They were ragin'. They're making me work my notice.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I've got to do this weekend. Oh, look who it is.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It's the wee bee chef gee.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I thought you got kicked out?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Oh, Michel Roux Junior infantile,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Big Foot wi' shoes that were too big for him couldnae kick me out.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I was on suspension leave.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Well, it's good to have you back.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Aw, I knew you'd miss me.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50And I'd have missed you if it wasnae for my dad's brilliant chips.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Seriously, it is so good to be back.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I feel like a whole new Gareh.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Good. So you've put all that Cammy stuff behind you, then?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Charlie, I can honestly say...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Naw. I havenae.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07You're just back off suspension.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09And he leaves in a week.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Aye, but I've got to clear my good name, so it lives on for ever.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Dinnae worry about it - cos youse are going to help me.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Yey.- Yes!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Right, you ken what you're saying? - Aye. Calm doon.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Mickey?- I was in the school play twice. Nae worries.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27All right, Robert Pacino.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29He's on his way.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Right. Positions. Remember, act natural.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39All right, Gary? Pleased to be back?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Aye.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41No hard feelings, eh?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50So, Charlie, what were you aboot to ask meh?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55So...has Thomson given you any warnings since your return?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Oh, yes, good question.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Yes, Thomson was furious about the graffiti, and he warned me
0:24:03 > 0:24:06that if there was just one more...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08One more?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Yes. Just one more piece of graffiti,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15then I would surely be for the chop.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Just make sure you heed that warning...for all our sakes.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I will.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- GARY WHISPERS:- I think that's a bit much.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Did Thomson say anything else, Gary?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Yes. Thomson said he was relieved that his car
0:24:33 > 0:24:35had never been graffitied,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39but if something happened to it tonight,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41on my first night back,
0:24:41 > 0:24:46then that would be enough evidence to sack me from the army, for evah.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Gentlemen.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Let us pray that never comes to pass.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Exactly.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I am tired now.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I am leaving now.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09As am I.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Me, too.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Sake.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Face it, it's no' worked. He's no' coming.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Naw, that's what he wants us to think.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27There is no way this dog can refuse that treat.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I told you.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Bingo! Dae your stuff.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Put that doggy doon.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42HE YELLS
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Right. Rollin'. Smile!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Cheffeh?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56What you daein'?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Getting ma own back on you. That's what I'm daein'.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- For why, Cheffeh? - For that!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Breakfast, lunch and dinner fer you, it's always cheffy this,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07cheffy that, little cheffy, sir chefsalot.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Slaggin' me off. Slaggin' ma cookin' off.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13But it's just banter, cheffeh!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15My name is Jeff.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Just once I'd like to be called by my actual name.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Jeff.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23All right, Jeff?
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Jeff.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Jeff... Chef!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30THEY LAUGH
0:26:30 > 0:26:32That is too good!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Aargh!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35All right, calm doon.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39You'll no' hae to put up wi' us for much longer.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Shall we get him to Thomson? Have you got the camera?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Aye.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Lads, dinnae, please! Gary, I'm sorry.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I need this job. Please, I'm beggin' you.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Right you, oot of the fryin' pan...
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- Just wait. Just wait.- What?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I almost got chucked out the army, cos of you.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I know, I know, I'm sorry.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I'll do anything you want me to, whatever you want.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Anythin'?
0:27:14 > 0:27:20And some of the lightly dusted, Cajun sprinkled, triple cooked,
0:27:20 > 0:27:21extra crunchy wedges.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26And, of course, my usual - chips.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Of course, Gary.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Thank you. Jeff. Chef.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Ah, Sergeant Thomson.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I trust your walls are graffiti-less?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And they'd better stay that way.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Sarge, on my good name they will be.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Oh, and dinnae be shy with those Texan tatties.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54That's us away, Sergeant. Thank you for your hospitality.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55I'm on my lunch.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Gary! Well, it's been fun, no hard feelings, eh?
0:28:01 > 0:28:05No. All right. See you later, eh?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- Oh, er, Gary mate, have you got the time?- Yeah.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13THEY LAUGH
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Ragin'.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Same again, please, chef.
0:28:35 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd